Hack & Slash
Calling this little nugget of joy a game is like calling Michael Jackson a good babysitter. It just doesn’t go together, like tuna and mustard, it’s gross, ugly, and the cops will be involved. Similarly, so is Deadly Towers. The only way to truly appreciate this game is if you did indeed call Michael Jackson to come watch your kids while you made a tuna and mustard sandwich to eat while you played this game. Only then will you understand the mismatched pain that is Deadly Towers for the NES.
I have yet to see the reason behind naming this game “Deadly Towers”. There isn’t really anything life-threatening besides the fact that your character shoots swords from his penis. Yes, you heard me. Your player shoots swords from his penis.
The developer, Broderbund Software, is more famous for its painting program Kid Pix Studio, which actually kicks ass. Deadly Towers is on the opposite end of the spectrum. There is nothing worth dubbing “ass-kicking-material” in the game. I’ve actually wondered if Broderbund Software stole one of the 52 games from Action 52 and simply built off of it. Be prepared to fight off campfires with your sword launching penis! This is your only defense against the evils of Deadly Towers! Your character has 100 hit points, and each time those fires hit you it will cost you about half of your life each time. Another downfall is your genital weaponry has a very low accuracy rate, and a slow shooting rate. Prepare to die.
I’ve been looking at this screenshot for a while. I wasn’t staring at the penile launching device, I was looking at that out of place window above the fire, then I noticed the goofy ass faces next to them. I would really like to know why they are there, it makes the castle look like some carnival fun house (3 tickets to get in). This whole game is one big fun house I suppose.
These are about the best-drawn enemies in the whole game. I’m not just pointing them out because they are dragons (yes I am). Nonetheless, they are still the best looking enemies in the whole game. Some other monsters you will fight (in assorted flavors and colors) include: Scorpions! Campfires Of Doom! Bats! Beach Balls! Worms! More Beach Balls! Snakes! Sparkly Thangs! Judge Judy! I lied on that last one. So sue me, oh wait, that’s her job. Never mind.
Apparently, there are satanic worshiping rooms scattered throughout the “deadly towers”. This one already comes set up with a lit candle. All you have to do is chant the hexes from the Hex Manual* about the people you hate and voila! Hex-O-Matic!
WARNING: Broderbund Software is not responsible for any crimes (misdemeanors or felonies) you may commit while using our built-in satanic curse function. Use at your own risk. Batteries not included. Not meant for children under the age of 3, people with heart problems, one eye-brow, colon cancer, people named Bob, or nonpregnant females. If you are nonpregnant, using the Hex-O-Matic can possibly inpregnate you with the Son of Satan. Please use responsibly and have a designated driver.
The defining moment for my trial run of this game would be shutting it off. It felt so good inside, like I had beaten the game when actually I only shut it off. It doesn’t matter, at least I instantly beat all the monsters by shutting it off, so really I did win.
I give them one point for the dragons, but even they don’t look that great. All the other enemies look like they were rendered in their Kid Pix Studio software. You know what, the enemies are probably those little premade images you can use as stampers in Kid Pix. As for the environment, well, I’ve seen prettier after staring into those bright lights at the eye doctor’s office.
I hope you enjoy listening to music that vaguely sounds of Lord Of the Rings and recycled Legend Of Zelda sound effects. Knowing Broderbund, they are probably recycled from Kid Pix. Or even worse, from Deadly Towers‘ prequel… “Crap Towers”.
When all you can do is move and launch swords from your netheregions, there aren’t many complex controller moves to figure out. The only thing you could do is try it out with the Power Pad or something, maybe you could perform flips on the power pad to make your character follow suit and explode.
Viagra Sponsorship: $10,000
Simply for advertising their pills, Viagra gave a ten thousand dollar grant to Broderbund Software for this game. Don’t beleive me? Put the pieces together for yourself then:
- Sword-shooting penis
- Blue coins that looks like boner pills
- Rugged terrain is shown with upside-down V’s
I’m guessing the game Anticipation is based off, or ripped off rather, of Pictionary. What, never played Pictionary? I don’t blame you. It’s stupid, you must rely on someone else’s shitty drawing skills to get something like 3 points. Anticipation will draw out some ambiguous blob on the screen connect the dots style and you will have to guess what it is. You’ll only be getting 1/4 of the damn things right though. Imagine a retard scribbling something and having you guess what it is. Yeah, there you go.
Once you actually get a few questions right (this takes some time and random guessing) the game gets even more tedious by introducing picture topics such as “Miscellaneous” and “Whatchamacallits”. These topics showcase drawings that the game calls “Canes”. In reality however, they look more like wieners. Right about here is where I realized this game is trying to brainwash you with Nazi encouragement. Don’t ask how I know this, but after playing Action 52 I have realized I now know everything.
Okay, okay, we all know what the “F” means here. I don’t even have to crack the joke about it. I had the game on Easy Mode, and this is what I had to guess. It’s not very hard to guess a letter, I was lucky for once. The connecting dots give it all away. Once they take those dots away, all hell breaks loose. That crap could be anything.
The game usually sticks to simplistic lines and avoids curves like fatties avoiding exercise. This little cornercut somehow turns roller skates into razor blades. Remember, with a name like Anticipation, you should be expecting… I mean “anticipating” weird crap even though it’s going to take you a solid four hours minimum to get past Round 1.
This is the game board of hell you will be circumnavigating for hours and hours. There are some others after this one but I was unable to get images of them because after 3 hours of gameplay my colon exploded and I had to go to the hospital. The doctors said I was mumbling something about “Fuckin roller razor skates mason jar”. I don’t remember. I was loopy because I had taken some heavy painkillers.
I can’t get over the fact I wasted hours of my life playing this crap. It seemed like forever I stared at the screen saying “What the hell is that?”. I don’t recall watching I Love The 80’s on VH1 and seeing that dog houses looked like pop tents, but then again, those were the 80’s… and those were odd days.
Who the hell puts the Bible under Leisure?! Exactly. Only crazed insane Catholics. If you are a Catholicidist or whatever and you are getting all pissy about this, then tough shit. Welcome to RFSHQ. I highly advise you go play Bible Adventures before I reach out and tear that game a new one as well.
Notice the timer (the dice) up there. That’s how long it took me to guess what the hell that was. I was about to guess “Jewish Porno”, but there was not enough spaces for that, so “Bible” fit, and that was a guess.
Well, while playing I found out that you don’t have to make yourself look like a jackass and get all the questions wrong. If you let the timer run out, you get a new puzzle. I spent quite some time reading a book, drawing, and throwing darts across the room while periodically checking the screen to see if the random assortment of lines was something I’d guess right.
The only thing that looks like what the answer is are the letters. That’s mainly because they are simple lines and you can’t possibly screw them up unless you are a preschooler who spells his name wrong and backwards and calls himself Yugi.
I don’t like 1950’s music. I don’t like upbeat 1950’s music. Therefore, I don’t like Anticipation‘s music. Hearing something all happy and upbeat and old (like the guys who say “DON’T DO DRUGS”) makes me get all sick and dizzy. Maybe this is why I only got 4 or 5 questions right, either way, it doesn’t make any difference because no matter how you look at it, it still sucks.
All you have to do on this game is hit Start a few times, then wait around until you can guess the pictures. When you want to guess, you hit a button and use left and right to select letters and fill in the blanks. Don’t ask how you can possibly screw that up, but Rare managed to make filling in a blank into an olympic sport by giving you only 30 seconds to scroll and fill in “TELEVISION SET”.
Anticipation Points: 2/10
I wasn’t pissing myself excitedly about playing this game. I was “anticipating” a lot more. In fact, I think I heard your girlfriend say that to you last night.
For years scientists have wondered where the universe originated. For years I have wondered why the NES eventually died off. Now I know why. Action 52 and its craptastical crap is the reason why Nintendo tipped their hats, said “Welp…”, and stopped production & support for the system.
Action 52 is the pinnacle of crap. This game should rightfully be renamed “Action Crap”. In fact, the game is devoid of any action whatsoever. Because of this, I vote that we simply just rename it “Crap”.
What’s sad is that developer Active Enterprises made this abysmal thing in 1991 and tried to sell it for the wallet sucking price of two hundred dollars. I would rather take two 100 dollar bills, roll them up, put them in my nose and set them on fire than spend the money on this game. Who would want to spend $200 on a piece of crap? Crap doesn’t go in an NES, it’s likely going to break the damn thing.
What’s funny here is that you can tell by simply looking at the game that Active Enterprises was dead serious in trying to make a truly awesome game filled with action. In this case, “action” is simply another adjective that is slapped on multicart turds to make them appear good. There are various ways to see how determined the programmers were in making something good; the title screen music is one example, it’s so cheap it’s hilarious.
You have a great selection of games with descriptive titles including:
- Silver Sword
- Jupiter Scope
I’m still wondering what #04 is. Im pretty sure it’s an abbreviation for “G-Force Faggot”. While that image is still right up above, isn’t “alfredo” (#09) some kind of cheese? I’m pretty sure you get it on Italian food at those weird restaurants with all the paintings of tomatoes and onions on the walls.
There are 2 more full pages of shit titles after this page. Most didn’t work, so that saved my sanity, or, what sanity I had left after playing Eliminator Boat Duel.
That incredibly fantastic cat thing from the title screen is called a “Cheetahman”. Isn’t that the most original name in the world? Seriously, I mean, even I can’t be that creative. I would have said something totally boring and generic like “Catman” or something. Active Enterprises really got a 1-up on me there.
This is the only game that I found that worked, and, just by looking at the title screen it’ll set your retinas on fire. By playing for two minutes, I understand the story line perfectly well: You must traverse the terrain of an alien race through their ass; escape from the ass of Bob-O the alien before you die! Ooze is about as fun as trying to play a Game Boy when you are a quadruple amputee.
The music for Ooze sounds a lot like something you would hear on a Hello Kitty game or something kiddish and girly like that. Actually you know what? I think playing a Hello Kitty game would be more enjoyable than playing Ooze.
One Hour Later
I played Ooze again, and I discovered that when you die, your character’s head turns into a pile of green dog crap. Or alien poo. Whatever it is, it’s number two for sure. That green pickle monster up there hit me with a glowing turd and look at what happened to my guy.
I also couldn’t get past that area, because your player cannot move and jump at the same time. Your only options are:
- Get crapped on by pickle poo monster
- Fall to death
Well, clicking on Unload ROM was pretty fun. I found myself turning this on a few more times just so I could shut it off again. Don’t play this game. If you do anything with your life, avoid Action 52 at all costs. Having your friends come in your room and see you playing this is more embarassing than having them walk in on you when you are looking at furry porn. You’ll have a shitload more explaining to do as well.
I base my judgment here over the one game I had played, and that was Ooze. Those graphics were probably drawn by a hobo claiming to see meteors and penis aliens. Every aspect of Ooze‘s art was based around trying to make something look as worse as possible on purpose.
I’m giving them a 4 only because their title screen music is so awesome it’s horrible. As soon as I realized how cool these dudes were trying to act, I immediately realized this was going to be an awesome ride. *boomshakalaka yeah* LIGHTS! *boomshakalaka yeah* CAMERA! *boomshakalaka yeah* ACTION 52!!!
I mistakenly found out I was playing Action 52 with a Sega Genesis formatted keyboard script and it didn’t make a damn difference. Maybe this is because no matter what button you press, the game either freezes or you have to play Ooze. I’d rather pick choice number three which is castration by rusty soup can lid, but Action 52 only supports Dollar Store games, not Dollar Store surgery.
Economic Depression: 1/10
At the steep price of 200 Washingtons this game had the potential to wipe out the nation’s economy, should it sell well. Active Enterprises’ plan to drain the economy and start a new U.S. Dictatorship and kill everyone failed because of the overall crappiness of their Nazi game cartridge. The only reason this field did not get a 0 is because you know somewhere in some toy store a three year old was kicking and screaming that he wanted a copy of the game…
Nice try Active Enterprises, next time don’t make a piece of shit and sell it for $200.
Shape Finding Adventure
Ever wanted to be able to run around an abandoned city and beat the piss out of elves, beach balls, planes, cars, and robots? Ever wanted to play as two characters at once and do the same thing? Ever wanted to rescue kitties for bonus points? No? Neither have I.
The object of City Adventure Touch: Mystery Of Triangle is very vague. You pick “Start” then it throws you into some trippy city with a population of zero people and a million pissed off creatures of various types. There is no one intelligent to talk to and endless swarms of midgets come running in to beat you up or something of the sort. All you are able to do to stop this madness is… punch.
Yeah, that’s about it, and I’m not surprised. The game’s demo shows the two guys hurling softballs at the attacking midgets but I played for at least an hour and found no such softballs to peg little people with. I bought a few items, but then I realized the game is taking your money because none of them do crap for you.
During your journey to find the mysterious three sided shape of doom you have a girl in a red dress to tag along with you wherever you go. She has no real purpose but something tells me she is the reason “touch” appears in the title of this game. Seriously what kind of a name is that? “Adventure Touch”. Last time someone went on one of those the police were called.
I know the game is in Japanese. A lot of the ROMs I downloaded are in Japanese. I can’t read it, but when your controller only has two buttons it can’t be that hard to figure it out. Even if whatever that ugly naked fellow was saying was in English, it still really would not make the game any better. It still sucks.
I’m about 99% sure whatever he is saying doesn’t really add to the mystery of the secret octagon pentagon thing. On second thought, our friend up there could be saying: “I really would like you go store buy pants me.” I mean, what else would a naked shaved bear say?
This is about where the game was the most fun, I just totaled that elf. Yeah, he looks harmless — and more than likely he was — but he was walking toward me and I had to find that mysterious hexagon and that jerkoff wasn’t talking.
Also notice the magical beach balls to the right. I ended up kicking their asses too. It doesn’t matter where you go in City Adventure Touch because more and more insane objects will attack from all angles. Pretty soon you’ll be facing cars and robots and crap like that. I haven’t gotten past that stage yet, because by then I was in a stupor-induced coma. I don’t know if it was a coma or if I was just sleeping because of the gas lighter in the oven that didn’t light that I left on for an hour.
I’m almost certain after the vehicles and robot stage that the final boss the holder of the sacred dodecagon, Richard Simmons, would be waiting so I stopped by the shop to get some useful items at the “Do It Yourself Store” to prepare myself for the ultimate battle for the isosogon. Apparently all you need in Japan are staplers and they cost about 150 life points each. Since we don’t pay for things with our blood here in America, I don’t know in dollars and cents how much a Japanese stapler costs. Probably about 17 cents.
I bought a stapler, because that’s all Japan has to offer I suppose. I was ready to staple a few “OWNED” signs on some elves too. I played some more and figured out how to select items (two buttons, told you it wasn’t hard). The stapler didn’t shoot anything. I couldn’t even get the damn guys to hold it!
Stupid cheap stapler. I should go return it but I don’t know if the people at the store would give me my blood or someone else’s. That’s how AIDS is transmitted in Japan, by returning things to the store. So, I kept the stapler as a reminder never buy things from Do It Yourself Stores in Japan.
My best experience playing this game is letting that chick in the red dress get hit. She gets down on her knees and cries like a wuss. I mean, how much damage can a midget really do to someone? Especially ones that look like Santa’s elves. What, did they go on strike or something?
Maybe that wasn’t a stapler I had bought. It was orange and looked like one, so I assumed it was Milton’s stapler from Office Space. The graphics are so bad, I can’t even tell what the hell I’ve been picking up as items most of the time. Maybe the thing I bought from the Do It Yourself Store was a toy truck, who knows.
I guess some of the music is not really awful, but since when do you beat the piss out of 2 foot tall people while listening to upbeat music? Grand Theft Auto doesn’t count by the way. Some of the little fanfares played throughout the game get irritating real fast. When I save a kitty, I don’t want to be rewarded immensely, I was going to take him home and eat him anyways.
The character swap feature is not really useful. The other dude is exactly the same only he has a different color shirt on. Your character can only punch. That’s lame. I mean, how are you going to find that shape of doom by only punching midgets? And how the hell does that stapler/truck thing work anyways?
Geometry Points: xy^5/(5z-rf7.77)
This game in an insult to mathematics. Not like I care but where is the triangle they speak so highly of? Maybe a big ass billboard with a triangle and arrow showing where to go would help. The only help I get is a naked man in his home behind a table. Thanks Compile, thanks a lot.
Let’s get something straight first. See that green alligator? I like him. Now that we have covered what I like about this game, let’s discuss the games bad points. Mr. Happy in the pink motorboat is a fruitcake. I can tell just by looking at him. He’s wearing pink and is driving a pink motorboat. I like to imagine myself in the green boat. Why? Look at the image; I’m about to flatten his panzy-ass waterwagon with my bitchin’ green boat of doom!
I’ll admit, a duel in a boat does sound pretty awesome. I’ve seen one before on a James Bond movie and I must say, it kicked some serious ass. A game where you have a boat duel has got to be cool right? Wrong. Things in James Bond movies are not as good in dollar store NES games.
Right about here is when I wished the rifle wasn’t downstairs in a locked cabinet. I wanted this shit off my screen pronto because hitting CTRL+ALT+DEL on my crappy Windows machine wasn’t doing anything except making things freeze. As soon as I saw that my first opponent was a Jesus/hippie lookalike, I knew this game would slowly devour my insanity until I would throw my neighbor in a hole and yell “IT PUTS THE LOTION ON!”
From experience, J to the C lookalike, I know broken and damaged crap usually performs worse or doesn’t work at all. And for the record Heysoose… I ain’t groovin’ on anyone’s boat. Especially yours because I’m not interested in the X-Box in your bedroom.
10 MINUTES LATER
I ended up kicking Jesus-look-alike’s ass big time. I owned him and got 49 grand for doing so… and he still gets $27,000 Not fair! Just because he looks like someone famous doesn’t mean he automatically gets a lot of money for taking it like a bitch!
He doesn’t have a hot model with a huge rack with him though, although I’m pretty sure that is his wife. They have matching clothes. So really, I kicked his ass and got his wife. The game doesn’t show this next part, but soon after I was done on the Winner’s Platform, I was “groovin” with her in my boat. The 49 thousand dollars is just a perk of winning, I mean, I got a trophy and some ass, and the guy who is beginning to look like Stephen Spielberg only got a pissant sum on money.
The fun really ended right here. I guess the game displayed this because I was making fun of Jesus, hell I don’t know. Maybe it had something to do with me starting the race before the flag dropped, but who really cares? I mean, I have $47,000 left and a hot passenger in my boat now. Actually, I had quit paying attention to the game at this point. I was too busy laughing it up at my own jokes. I don’t know if I was fined $2,000 or given $2,000. Maybe Jesus said “FINE” and gave me money. I don’t remember. And if I was fined for starting before the signal, I had an excuse. The lady and I had some more groovin’ to do.
That’s a very good question. I would say that taking the hippie’s wife was the highlight of the game for me. That and getting $49,000 for kicking Jesus’ ass. I still think I should have gotten more though for beating the crap out of a 60’s man who looks like the Son of God.
The faces and models of the people aren’t all that bad really, but racing is pretty hard. Sometimes I can’t even tell what the hell is an item or a bomb or whatever keeps making my boat flash disco colors. The view in the game is usually top-down and it makes it very hard to see what is ahead.
I really hope you enjoy hearing the same little riffs over and over again. Maybe even a few buzzes and scratches thrown in for good measure. The music in this game is comparable to that of Fatal Run for the Atari 2600. Every time you get hit, it will play some weird ass laser gun sound effect or something similar to a woo-woo sound.
These boats suck. Let me say that. When you are racing, the CPU gets complete control. You on the other hand can mash left down on the directional pad and your boat will barely veer to the side. I’ve discovered that shouting obscenities rather than even using the controller will get you somewhere better.
Danger Quotient: 9/10
I don’t know about you, but it is pretty damn dangerous to be racing Jesus Christ in motor boats, taking his women, and taking his money. It’s also pretty dangerous/stupid to be racing through a marina littered with toxic waste barrels.
Pirated Multi Cart
I am quite aware that these Korean 100,000-In-1 cartridges are 101% bullshit. I should know, I own one of them. The abysmal thing I have is shaped like a Nintendo 64 controller (with missing analog stick) that plugs into your television via A/V composite cables. The second player’s controller is a Sega Genesis look-alike. Anyone with common sense knows that these two things don’t match. One has a crapload more buttons than the other one does, which gives the Nintendo 64 rip-off an advantage because you have twice as many buttons that don’t work!
I downloaded this knowing full well it would end up on this site. The maker of this wonderful waste of plastic is unknown, and for good reason. Just think of all the plastic trees they had to cut down in order to make this vile disgrace to anything it touches or is within a five mile radius of. I haven’t seen the actual cartridge, but how the hell would you fit this loaded thing into the NES? I mean, this Taiwanese plastic hunk of games must be bigger than the slot the games go into. I would imagine that trying to put this in your system would be like trying to shove the triangle through the square hole on those shape sorter things.
This 100-in-1 comes with many wonderful nuggets of joy. The game’s name, “Contra Function”, implies that there is indeed Contra on the ROM somewhere. Well, I found it. 16 times. As it turns out, they don’t work! No kidding! It’s like going to a monster truck rally and having them race golf carts with frilly pink lace! This magnificent thing also has classic gems like “Fancy Mari”, “Bros.”, “XO Brother”, and “Mario”. Oh wait, those are all the same game. Never mind.
Don’t ask because I have no clue either. That hideous “Mario” thing looks like he was dropped as a baby, into a car crusher or something. He wasn’t hit with the ugly stick, he got whacked with the whole tree. He also kind of looks like he has a job at the Krispy Kreme donut place, I mean, look at that goofy ass hat on his head. The game in the picture up above is named “Bros.” according to the programming (which is usually spelled wrong or incomprehensible). For some reason, and hopefully a good one, the crew decided putting a “2” in the logo would be a good idea. A castle was also haphazardly shoved into it for good measure. This must be one of those picture-word puzzles from the newspapers! We have a retard, castle, and a number 2. It must say: “We tricked you stupid American!”
As you can see, you have a very wide variety of top-of-the-market NES games at your disposal to play anytime you feel the need to be blasted with a retardation laser. Among the best of the best are “Contra16”, “XO Urbancham”, and… “Balonfight”!! Let me tell you right now, I will whoop your ass in Balonfight. You just name the time and place.
When I see the same game listed four times in succession, with each title varying only by the number suffix, I question the real intelligence of the creators. If they can make a compilation cart, then why the hell don’t they lie about the names of the duplicates? I mean, a simple “Shoot Badguy” or “Raidbase” title would make it seem believable. These people should have electric clamps on their nipples right now. There isn’t a single game on here that is worthy of being played. Let me rephrase that. Who couldn’t resist a game where the instructions say “PRESS A KEY ENTER PLAYGAME”! Sadly, and I mean really sadly, the best part of this is the title music, which is more than likely stolen from some unknown game.
The game shown above is “XO Antarctic”. The whole point is to get this penguin-looking creature across his… “Antarctic adventure”. You must accomplish this task by running fast and jumping over ice cracks and seals. Picking up a flashing rainbow flag will tack a propeller on your penguin’s head which you can hover with for a second. The levels are assorted in length, and the goals are the stations posted around the outskirts of the continent. You know, the ones put there by the USSR and crap.
This whole freakin’ game is pointless. If you look at the map before each level starts, you will see that your course will take you to the same place where you started. Not only this, but your character has got to be some government experiment superpenguin. There is a speed meter in the info bar up above, along with a distance meter. When you are running at top speed, which isn’t even very fast it seems, the “Kilometers to go” counter starts to rapidly go down. He is the 6 Million Dollar Penguin!
It’s too hard to decide. There are so many games and bad English lines! I guess the best part was decoding the secret message in the “Bros.” game title. I just figured out Blue’s Clues!
I’m giving this crap such a low score because the programmers never made it past the first grade. It’s not extremely difficult to spell “balloon”. Where the hell did “Balonfight” come from anyways? What’s bad is that it was spelled right on a different menu! Most of the games they stole kept their original charm, but with the Chinese crap thrown in, it just isn’t the same.
The title screen music is about the best sampling of tunes on the ROM. I didn’t get a taste of all the music of the games, but when the only difference between names is a number, I don’t think I was missing out on much. By then I had passed out from too much Balonfight. The sounds were pretty bad. The developers probably had shoved a 100-In-1 instrument toy-piano keyboard chip inside the cartridge to play them.
The “original” games that were programmed are about as fun as having your family jewels smashed on a rail during a skateboard bail. There’s a game on there that is a lot like your average plane-shooter, only with spaceships instead. I was hoping that pressing A would let you shoot bullets, and B lets you fire a special. Well, I got robbed. A and B do the same damn thing. I got tired of it real fast, and I ended up going through most levels by simply setting the controller down on the desk and letting the enemies fly past me.
These programmers are pretty stupid. That’s not saying much when a game is spelled right on one screen, then totally butchered on another. These guys have got to have some kind of supreme intellect because who puts 16 Contras on one cart, and has only two that work?
When you turn on a video game with a spiffy title such as “Death Race”, “Kill-O-Tron Master”, or even “Sexy Chick 3000” you usually have expectations. On the back of the game’s box, they usually say things like NON STOP ACTION or FIGHT CHALLENGING ENEMIES! I saw the name “Crystal Mines”, and I’m thinking this is going to be pretty neat. I turn it on and everything around me just goes away. My little safety box was destroyed.
You get to be a little robot-looking vehicle that drives around in some cave on Mars I guess to mine and recover crystals. At least the object of the whole game matches the title, I’ll give developer Color Dreams credit for that. Konami and their “Adventures Of Bayou Billy” was far from even being an adventure to begin with.
You can also blow random crap up in the game with barrels of TNT and pick up all the little items and gems hidden in the rubble afterwards. Some items make you go faster or shoot faster. You could just say that the items make your robot that much crappier. In fact, there should be a new mode of play where all you do is get items. I’d call it “Make It Suck More Mode”.
The game is okay. It’s not bad, but it isn’t great either. The game is kind of like that weird stuff the school passes off as “food”. Sometimes, it’s good; other times you get to blast diarrhea out your ass for a week. If you’re mentally ill, then you will love the game and its charming little 30 second endless music loop, but don’t underestimate the difficulty of the game! There are 7, yes seven different enemies to break your little harmless tracked robot to bits. I lied. There aren’t 7 different enemies. There are 3, but one of them has 4 different sets of color.
Be warned. These are the little peckers that don’t want you touching “Their Precious”. To guard their sacred diamonds, they will randomly run around and hit walls. It’s a very effective way of guarding valuables of any kind because any thief knows it’s wrong to steal from retards.
If they get a hold of your droid it will fall apart like it was held together with masking tape and Bubble Yum. Coming from a company named Color Dreams, I wouldn’t be surprized.
Notice the four almost identical scruffy fellows. Let’s refer to these dimwits as “Cookie Monsters” from now on. There are 4 Cookie Monsters. One of them you can shoot and kill. You shoot him once, and he goes into a retard-strength induced rampage. He will speed up and run into walls more often. There is also one that you must use TNT to blow up. Then, there is the “Impervious” one. He is that unusually strong retarded fellow, like Sloth from The Goonies only in this case he doesn’t run around and shout “BABY RUTH” at you.
Just so they sound smart, Color Dreams threw in a “Radioactive” Cookie Monster and also included Radioactive rocks and walls (not pictured). Color Dreams needs all the smart points they can get, because right now George W. Bush is ahead. Take note of the two Turd Monsters. There are two kinds, brown and darker brown. You must be careful, because the Cookie Monster poop will also kill you if you run over it. That “gas creature” is thrown in there for racial harmony. It signifies that the mine is not segregating gas from solids and liquids.
This is your game screen. The whole time the same fucking music will loop over and over again. The music reminds me of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, which makes the game essentially that much more annoying. Most sane people will have committed suicide by this point.
As you can see, we have some precious gemstones in the game area, and our raggedy little Cookie Monster friends are acting like greedy jackasses about it. The turd with the ugly as hell green high tops has the advantage here, because he is the asshole that takes a few hundred TNT barrels to be put out his misery.
Being in blast-radius is not really a very smart thing to be doing. If you do get hit by your own TNT then that proves you are about as smart as the dumbasses running around the caves. Your Dollar General-sponsored robot will crumble if he touches the smoke. Those aren’t explosions, because it is devoid of something known as “fire”. There has got to be fire for me to even remotely refer to it as “explosion”. Since there is no fire present I will now call TNT barrels “Wimpy Ass Smoke Bombs”.
There are some ultimate tips available to beating Crystal Mines:
- Don’t get hit by baddies.
- Get all the gems in each stage.
- Find the EXIT because it is hidden sometimes.
Yes, I did read that from a place that gave information about the game. Those are some first class hints right there. Infact, I’ll just claim them as my own because I can, and plus a very smart person had to be the author of those.
The highlight of this whole damn game is blowing yourself up with Wimpy Ass Smoke Bombs. It ends the Pee Wee Herman music for a second. It also lessens my headache from the music too; it’s the new Tylenol of NES gaming! Would you rather take 10 huge Advil suppositories, or a quick 10 second fanfare from a game to ease your headache?
The tank/trakker/whatever robot is not that bad looking. He’s the coolest part in the whole game. It’s those damn Cookie Monsters and their little poop minions that make me angry. I mean, if I were to go steal some gems from a cave in wherever it is, I would expect to find maybe some bats. Or insects. Maybe even a blind eyeless white lizard that would eat my brain or something. I’d even be glad to find rapper Lil’ Jon in there!
There is nothing in the world that sounds as horrid than this game’s music. I would pay someone a nice sum of money to scrape their nails across a chalkboard for 5 hours if I had to pick between that and Crystal Mines. The music is incredibly irritating. Think of the most annoying thing you can think of; now multiply by twenty and add Pee Wee Herman music. There you go.
You have supreme control over the roboman (half the time). This is why this section gets only half the score. If your bot isn’t lined up perfectly with a tunnel, he will get caught on the corner which lets the butt-rapist Cookie Monster run through and smash your aluminum foil science fair project to bits. You will cry.
This cartridge does a lot more than just be a “game”. It also makes for a great coaster for your drink! You can use it to even out a leg on a wobbly table or chair, or you can buy a lot of them and build a house! They double as dog toys, door stops, toilet paper, shingles, carpet, plates, paper weights…
Side Scrolling FPS/Beat ‘Em Up
When I first came across this game I was expecting some kind of southern-Louisiana gator hunting simulator or something along the lines of that. Instead, I get to play a game featuring a guy that resembles The Crocodile Hunter who runs around beating up on random guys in the swamp that appear from nowhere.
The game’s first mode of play is to get the Crocodile Hunter through the swamp without dying. But don’t worry! You have a lot of ass-kicking moves at your disposal. Firstly, you get a punch and a kick. If you press A and B together, your guy jumps and kicks. These attacks are great, and they would be a lot greater and powerful if they actually hit the guys.
Occasionally, enemies will drop things like sticks, or boulders, sometimes even a knife. You must take advantage of the props they drop all over the place, even though they will more than likely not hit the enemy you’re trying to kill. However when it does work, it’s hilarious to smash someone’s head in with a wooden pole while shouting: “Who’s your DADDY?! Who’s your DADDY?!”
Up there is one of my favorite moves of Billy’s. They don’t mention it in the manual, which is sad, because I find this the best move in the whole game. Since it isn’t mentioned, I’ll name it “Testicle Guard”. It works wonders to prevent enemies from hitting Billy, because all of the hits dealt are absorbed by his groin!
There are also a few different enemies that will ‘try’ to stop your quest through the swamp. Red and blue versions of Michael Jackson will pop up every now and then to jump around and run from you. Occasionally, if you jump kick their heads, turkey legs fall out. There are other enemies that appear randomly but the only other dude I’ve seen is some punk that looks like The Fonz.
The second mode of play is similar to the arcade game Roadblasters. Similar, in this case, means about fifty times worse. I’m sure, and I understand, that Konami had some trouble getting the crew to finish individual parts of the game on time. They wanted it all done at once, and they had a lack of workers or booze, or both. To fix the problem, they paid a visit to the Special Education department of the local school. They told the kids they could make ther very own game! That’s how the Roadblasters rip-off got stuck in the cart. What you get to do is drive some thing that looks like a jeep around some dirt roads but evil crop dusters, rival jeeps, deadly water puddles, and even demonic satanic wooden posts on the road side will try to get in your way and piss you off.
The third mode of play, and I guess the best, works with or without the Zapper light gun. I chose “No Gun” mode because I believe killing imaginary men with plastic orange guns that make clicking noises is wrong. The shoot ’em up mode consists of a side scrolling backdrop with guys that run around like monkeys and shoot stuff at you. Some guys will just be little sissies and run across the screen in a ninja pose like the guy pictured below. I hated him so much, I fragged his nuts. Also note the ballerina soldier above him. Most enemies will run by and throw some firecracker looking thing at you. Others will shoot grenades, but they look more like red and white beach balls to me.
Well, I guess blasting that guy’s tackle box in the scrolling shooter mode was pretty funny. He really needed to get the hell off my screen.
The guys that run around are fun to watch for a while, but their little girly running and jumping Swan Princess style gets obnoxious after some time. I’ve noticed though, that when they jump around like 3-year-olds after eating cake you can’t hit them. I think the U.S. Army should really look into the “Jump Like Wuss” technique.
I don’t really think listening to snappy elevator music while you have your genitals harassed by Michael Jackson is a very good combo. Also, the sound effects are a bit bland. There’s a voice that says the title of the game, but it sounds like they forced the voice actor to sit bare-assed on a slab of ice and smoke a pack of cigars before and during recording.
Trying to land in punches, or anything in that case, in the swamp adventure mode is pretty hard. That’s why I decided using Testicle Guard throughout all the levels would be a good choice. Driving the jeep in the Special Ed mode is about as hard as trying to draw a picture… with a baseball helmet on your head filled with Africanized bees while Whitney Houston is on the radio. Somehow, throwing the controller at the wall, then swinging it around several times got me through the jeep levels. Playing “Shoot the Freaks” without the light gun is hard, because, well, nevermind. I think even with the damn gun it’d be near impossible to shoot ballerinas armed with AK-47s.
I think it is great that Konami made a game where you play as The Crocodile Hunter (cleverly under the alias “Billy”) and run though a swamp getting your no-no kicked in by clones of The King Of Pop and The Fonz. It’s also quite entertaining, in the right frame of mind, to shoot soldiers that would rather prance around than shoot you.
[Editor’s Note: At the time this collection was originally compiled Crimson Room was renown for its usage of “Engrish”. This notion is played up and exaggerated in a number of the images featured here.]
Many moons ago the pre-RFSHQ Staff got together in AOL Messenger to play Crimson Room. The chat soon turned sour when future forum administrator chiZ grew tired of actually playing the game and instead made some edited screengrabs. The rest of the guys followed suit.
– The RFSHQ Forums