SuperChineseJ001Game:
Super Chinese

Developer:
Namco & Micro Academy

Genre:
Beat ‘Em Up

Platform:
NES

Released:
1986

A game that is already a racial joke, Super Chinese manages to go far from a stupid joke to “oh god it’s so bad”. I see the adjective “super” and I instantly think of things like Superman, Superglue, Super-Superness, and anything strong and/or badass. I had high expectations of this game and all I get is some wannabe ninja (winja?) who has miraculous powers like jumping and punching, and the incredible ability to rip off music and sounds from games like Kung Fu.

SuperChineseJ002

The shortest distance between two points is a circle.

Here’s our map of our wondrous adventure. Our red fellow up there is our incompetent hero who follows this route, when clearly you could just cut accross the path and go straight to the center. However this would make the game incredibly short, so Namco decided that making a Dreamcast logo map would be a great choice. I see the reasoning here. More levels = More fun right? Wrong. Imagine it like this; you have satellite TV and 300 channels, but there’s nothing great on.

Your fighting field is outside a shrine or something, graphics are just a little too far on the “what the hell” side to tell for sure. As you can see, I just knocked some fatass into the water and got 1,000 points. Just remember to jump before he hits the ground or else you’ll break every bone in your body. The brown fatties walk around and punch at things; things like air. The purple ballerinas jump around like pansies and punch at things (air). With incredible defenses like this, I see why China needed a huge wall to protect itself. Unfortunately most of that wall was made from sand and fell apart anyways. Copies of this game would have been a better choice.

SuperChineseJ004

BONUS CHANCE

If you find a Bonus Staircase, I advise you don’t go in it. Doing so will transport you to a most hellish experience like no other. There’s something terribly wrong with the bonus level. It’s impossible. See the bullets? They dont move up or down, they just make a line that’s impossible to cross. You start on the south side of the screen, and all of the items are on top. I managed to get up there before the bullets started flying, and then everything moved to the bottom side. Now all of the apples and E’s are on the bottom with the bullets. Only in the life of a ninja do you dodge bullets and get apples.

Punching rocks and boxes will make items appear. Most of the time you get things like worthless bonus points or the ability to shoot fireballs (that never hit anything). I punched some boxes here, and picked up a Nazi symbol. Now my character is Adolf Hitler! I haven’t figured out what exactly the Nazi icon does, and I don’t care too much either. I was hoping the next time a Bonus Staircase appeared I could shove them all down it and gas them; I tried that, and got punched in the face. My guy fell over and cried like a pussy.

Defining Moment:
This is a close call between the Bonus Staircase and the Nazi Propaganda. I flipped a coin and it landed on its side, so I guess that means that neither of them was a good choice to begin with. Instead, I chose the comical title of the game, “Super Chinese”. We’re super, thanks for asking.

Graphics: 3/10
The perspective of this game is just not believable. I mean, look at it for a while and you’ll see it too. There’s a wall, and then it seems 180 degrees below it the floor starts. Unless these guys are indeed Super Chinese, I’m not believing it.

Sound: 1/10
Copying crap from other games just doesn’t fly. Shows how lazy these asses were at trying to make a game. This was the first thing I said when I played my American cartridge of this game, Kung Fu Heroes. It seems the music is original, but the sounds are taken from Kung Fu.

Control: 1/10
How hard can it be to make easy controls for a system that only has 2 buttons on the controller? Pretty fucking hard it seems. Ninjas can kick and stuff right? And throw those stars? Yeah you see this loser doesn’t do that. He likes to jump around and punch things. Getting him to hit someone isnt easy either since he backs up as he punches. That defeats the purpose of charging at someone.

Super Points: 0/10
Super Chinese people are not super at all. They are far from Super on the Super Spectrum. They hit at about the Wal-Mart Door Greeter line.

– Dracophile

Back in March 2005 I posted an article explaining why G4TV sucks the big one. The comment thread for this particular article grew rapidly as a few G4 fans were trying to defend their livelihood against people who were capable of coherent thought. Needless to say, it wasn’t pretty. Because of the drama, we return to G4TV and scrape the bottom of the barrel to finish it off once and for all.

 

Cheat! with Some New Fugly Chick

G4’s got a nasty new weapon to get those oily humans they call fans to watch their shows. They figured that if they get some lukewarm woman to host a show who makes sexual innuendoes like “joystick” not only will those ultimate losers known as “Ultimate Gamers” get huge b0nerz, they’ll also want to watch the show to see something they’ll never get. Action and pseudo-celebrity popularity. It’s the same show as before only with more reasons to not watch it now.

 

The Whip Set with A Stereotypical Black Guy

In order to get G4 to look more “gangsta” they decided to make a show about street cars. Essentially what you get is a Snoop Dogg wannabe walking around pointing out different kinds of pointless facts and features while several almost naked girls dry-hump cars. It sounds great on paper and in thought, but as soon as you watch it you’d think you were watching a rapper wedding with hydraulics. There is more entertainment in crashing your own car than there is in watching this abomination of a show “about” cars.

 

Attack Of The Show! with Sarah from The Screen Savers & Some Other Unimportant People

Where has the sanity gone? After The Screen Savers was crippled by G4’s great idea to rip apart the crew, they follow up with the “FINISH HIM!” move. They rip out the rest of The Screen Savers crew except for Sarah, and throw in some guys who look intelligent but really couldn’t eat a damn bowl of Jell-O without adult supervision. They claim to inform you of “cool crap, before it’s just crap”. That’s a punchline in itself, draw your own conclusions.

 

E3 ’05 Live presented by IGN.com

Affiliating with IGN.com to make a show about E3 is like affiliating with Stevie Wonder to make an episode of Sesame Street about color. Stevie doesn’t know jack shit about color, just as IGN doesn’t know shit about games. However, since G4 is the same way, the two of them working together could possibly make a rift in the space/time continum that will suck everything into it.

 

For the record, Victor Lucas, you are still incredibly timid, and Tommy Tallarico, after seeing you try and show off on Judgement Day all I can imagine is that your dick grew another 4 feet.

– Dracophile

Last year, the game channel G4 teamed up with TechTV, or rather, I should say G4 ate TechTV and ripped them off. They advertised that G4TechTV would be the #1 channel for “gaming, gadgets, and more”. If you decipher this, it really means, the #1 channel for crap, crap, and people with annoying personalities. G4 is a writhing mass of dipshits and hopeless actors. They took with them to Tech TV their stupid shows and their stupid forum members. And by stupid, I mean retarded Nintendo fanboys who do nothing but fondle themselves while looking at Legend of Zelda porn.

Tech TV was more than fine the way it was. They had awesome and interesting shows, then G4 comes along and the shit hits the fan. Not only did they get rid of Leo Laporte from The Screen Savers, they also replaced other Tech TV shows like Invent This! with shit like Cinematech. Today on RFSHQ we will be discovering why G4TechTV sucks so bad now. Keep in mind you hopeless G4 fanboys, I won’t be ripping into Tech TV’s remaining shows. The damage has been done. Thanks a lot you losers.

 

Cheat! with Corey Rouse

Apparently these people have never heard about GameFAQs.com and CheatCC.com. I mean hell, there’s even a CheatCodes.com. This show was made for the little bitching and whining idiots on the G4 forums who are too damn lazy to search for their own cheats. So what do they do? They bitch and whine and then G4 makes a whole show and forum where they can come bitch and whine and see their username on TV which will be forgotten by the next commercial break if you even watch the damn show that long.

 

Filter with Diane Mizota

Filter is a Top 10 countdown type show similar to things that air on VH1. However there is one main flaw with Filter: they make a new episode every week just about. VH1 on the other hand makes a countdown show every few months. Quality over quantity people. G4 just doesn’t understand. Filter is also boring, the list of games is randomized. Why? Because the retards on the forum get to vote on the “Filterater”. Look, we’ve seen this in the South during the USA’s beginning years. If you give retards power, it goes to their heads. And when that happens, popular franchises will end up taking #1 over worthwhile games.

 

Cinematech

This is by far the stupidest shit I have ever seen. This show just cycles through various cut scenes from video games. AND THAT’S IT. Boring cutscenes that no one ever watches because they skip them and play the game. When they show a game without cutscenes, they’ll show recorded footage of some guy playing it. This means you get to watch someone play GTA: Vice City with one of the slowest cars ever for 10 minutes and then dramatically end the video by hitting a street light.

 

Judgement Day with Victor Lucas and Tommy Tallarico

Judgement Day is a rip off of Tech TV’s X-Play. Allow me to describe your hosts. Victor Lucas loves every game ever made. Tommy Tallarico hates every game ever made. The two cancel each other out. “Hey Victor, I give this game a 0!” “Really Tommy? I liked it. I gave it a 10.” What a great way to figure out how to buy games! Not only this, but they give the +’s and -‘s of the games. Sometimes when there is nothing wrong with the game, Tommy has to bitch and say he hates the music giving the minus box something to put in there. Listen bro, just because you made the soundtrack to Earthworm Jim doesn’t mean that no one else is allowed in your little circlejerk of friends.

 

Electric Playground with Victor Lucas and Tommy Tallarico

Our 2 butt buddies host another “show” on G4. I don’t know the point of this at all. I was watching this, and I forgot I was watching TV. They just ramble on about stuff. That’s it. No more, no less. I think they try to inform you about how games are made, but all I see is Tommy’s huge ego and Victor trying to hit on the creators of Jak & Daxter.

 

Arena

This is a show that teams of nerds go on so they can tell the ladies that attend their community colleges they were on national TV and hopefully get some action. But what were they on TV for? Oh, they were just doing what they do in their dorms; playing Counter Strike and getting pissed off because they keep losing. The majority of the people that compete look like they never get off their ass, mainly because their ass is the size of a Volkswagen Bus. The host, some annoying football sportscaster reject, has to make it seem interesting and fails horribly. At least ESPN had the smarts to reject him on Sportscenter.

 

G4TV.com

Sometimes I forget this show exists, mainly because it’s just some advertisement for their fucking website. They do the same crap that Tommy and Vic do on Electric Playground; they just talk and talk and no one ever listens. The hosts are annoying, the show is stupid, and it needs to be canned. Maybe something decent like Secret Strange & True should take its place, hint hint wink wink.

 

Pulse with Tech Live Wannabes

Pulse is the dead non-equivalent of Tech Live. Tech Live rocked your face off. They reviewed all sorts of computers, told you about security alerts, went to movie studios for behind the scenes looks at movies, interviewed people who worked for Microsoft, kept you up to date about future gadgets coming out, and a whole shit load more stuff. What do they people on Pulse do? They smile and look at the camera.

 

Icons

Icons is G4’s incorrect answer to The Best Week Ever on VH1. They get a bunch of nobodies from game companies to sit down and just babble about whatever the topic is. I mean, when I want to see people talking about the history of Mario, I wanna see some serious people from the Nintendo company. I don’t want to see James Jones, Department of Lavatory Cleanliness for Rockstar Games followed by a bunch of random GameStop customers labeled “Gamer”. Seeing some 40 year old guy who probably still lives with his mother is not the definition of gamer; that would be the definition of the future guy to wear the Barney suit.

 

The good die young. Tech TV was taken from this world too soon, and replaced with utter crap. Business is business though. RIP Tech TV.

– Dracophile

Sometimes there are games I really want to beat the piss out of but I can’t seem to come up with a page and a half of content for one single game. Well, since I am a self-proclaimed genius I have conjured up an idea to allow me to pick three really bad games that my imagination can’t even begin to comprehend the suckiness of, and make them into one review!

RFSHQGB1_Image1Game:
NES Test Cartridge

Developer:
Nintendo

Genre:
Diagnostic

Platform:
NES

Released:
198?

Okay, it’s a test cartridge, but still none the less, it is an NES-released cartridge. This is how the people at Nintendo found out if your NES was either working, or a piece of shit destined for Goodwill.

RFSHQGB1_Image2

Pictured above: SCIENCE

But how, exactly, do they find out if your NES is working or not? Well, they plug it in and put this cart in it. If it doesn’t light up, flash, beep, or buzz in the right way, your shit’s ruined and they’ll charge you $50 to fix it when the only thing wrong is likely a loose wire or bad connection. Good move, you just lost 50 bucks. I would have hated to work for Nintendo back then fixing systems. You know how stupid people can get. They wont plug the damn thing in right and assume it’s broke and will demand refund and not take no for an answer. They piss me off.

I think Nintendo has hidden Nazi propaganda in their test cart, because I could feel some odd feeling while this was on. Then again I had been feeling weird all day, I’m telling jokes on the Internet.

RFSHQGB1_Image3Game:
SCAT – Special Cybernetic Attack Team

Developer:
Natsume

Genre:
Side Scrolling Shooter

Platform:
NES

Released:
1991

With a name that’s a synonym of “shit”, “crap”, and “dookie”, SCAT already isn’t looking too bright. SCAT tries to reinvent the already diluted genre of side scrolling shooters like R-Type. For this section I will do my best to avoid the “scat” jokes, but I don’t think that will last long.

RFSHQGB1_Image4

I’d rather play SCATTERGORIES huehuehue

The controls for this game are a bit off. You shoot forward, but when you hit left, your guy pulls a 180 and faces the other way. That’s a little unnecessary. Once an oncoming ship passes you, it doesn’t turn around, so why have your missiles start going left? Enemies are coming from the right, not the left. You’re, in deep shit no matter what.

The game lets you know — in super enhanced voice — that the Earth is indeed in serious trouble and you need to help save the planet! Wow! How original! It sounds like he is talking out of his ass. So how do you protect Earth? With a sissy ass jetpack. No spaceship for you. No airplane for you. No, you dont even get a suit of armor. You get a jetpack and a laser gun. Now go save Earth you pansy.

RFSHQGB1_Image5Game:
Who’s Cuter?

Developer:
Damian Yerrick

Genre:
Mall Survey Wannabe

Platform:
NES

Released:
2000

For years we, well maybe you, have argued who is cuter? Hanson or Pikachu? Hampsterdance or Pinnochio?

RFSHQGB1_Image6

Yeah thanks for the caption.

A Lego man or a dump truck? No really, what the hell is that? I think it’s a mountain of fat.

Damian Yerrick”s hellspawn called Who’s Cuter is essentially like an annoying mall secretary who asks you to take a survey when you’d rather take her life (or maybe out to dinner). Who’s Cuter is the ultimate humiliation question giver. Who would you rather bone, a Lego Man or a McDonalds Customer? Zak Hanson or a Japanese Poverty Inducing Scheme? A Furry Pet (if you’re into that kind of thing) or a Wooden Puppet?

That my friend, is the ultimate question.

– Dracophile

MegaMan2Title

Now, I said before that I am actually a fan of the Mega Man series, well, on the NES that is until it was mass produced in every possible scenario. Then it sucked. I’m only poking fun at the robot masters in the game, so here we are, with Mega Man 2.

MegaMan2Image1

Wow, looks like we’ve got some prime cuts here. Eight masters rather than the six we were gypped with last time. That’s awesome. No really. I mean it. I’ve also got a little extra for his review. MantaMan of the RFSHQ Forums has contributed his two cents on each robot master as well.

Bubble Man:
Draco: This asshole annoys the hell out of me. His level features an animated waterfall background that was so flashy it made my eyes hurt. It actually helped me lose the game faster, which is a very good addition to the game! Bubble Man is very necessary. In fact, he is as necessary as a Cheetahmen III game.

Manta: And I thought Wily was a genius. He only put spikes in there to make it a little harder. Wimp. HE SHOOTS SLAGGIN’ BUBBLES FOR SLAG’S SAKE!

Air Man:
Draco: Air Man is like, a portable fan, with a body. It’s fan-ness to the next level. Unfortunately, that level is called “crap”. The only reason he was put in this game was because the Capcom staff was high again and they had duct-taped a handheld fan onto a Gundam model and called it a robot master. Then they were all insipired… to go to 7-11 and get more Doritios.

Manta: Look at his tummy. Now imagine a kid who is throwing his Lego toy behind him. BOOM!

Quick Man:
Draco: Look, we’re only on Mega Man TWO and we’re already running out of names. Either that or Capcom just wanted to make a cheap rip off of The Flash. Quick Man fuckin pisses me off. You can’t beat his level. There’s an infinite amount of these annoying bars that fly around and kill you in one hit. I’m serious. I played this level for like 3 hours and got tired of it. I don’t really need to talk about it. You get the point.

Manta: Wow what a name. I think Fast Man would have been better. Also, I’ve never gotten to him. PH34R TEH PASSWORDS!

Heat Man:
Draco: Is it me or is this a Zippo with a head and limbs? You see, what happened here was that one of the staff’s army men got melted onto the lighter when me mistook it for a joint (don’t ask me how). Then the army man caught fire, and there was a big unnecessary uprising where someone grabbed a fire extinguisher and nailed someone on the head with it hoping to let the foamyness out. He died. Capcom caught fire and everyone moved to the tool shed in one of the dude’s father-in-law’s backyard.

Manta: At first I thought this guy was modeled on a trash can, but later on a Rockman.EXE website I learned it was a cigarette lighter. Just say no to Heat Man kiddies!

Wood Man:
Draco: You see, at this point since they were working out of a fucking tool shed, they were making and naming robots after crap laying around in there. Like wood for example. They also decided to make Wood Man the equivalent of Aquaman. His power sucks, and is not really needed. I mean, what the fuck kind of power is talking to fish anyways? Like, if you’re in the desert, you’re screwed big time. Wood Man has… leave. Yeah, leaves. And they twirl around and do nothing, just like Aquaman.

Manta: How does Wily make a robotic log? And how do those leaves hurt?!

Metal Man:
Draco: Was I right? They named this dude after something in the shed too. By now they had started hittin it with the bong, so they thought a saw blade was a frisbee and now the ambulance was there, and so was the cops. Since they were all high they got locked up in jail. They managed to finish the robot master level though, which was good I guess.

Manta: Just enter this guy as a BattleBot. Don’t worry, he’ll be fine.

Flash Man:
Draco: Now since they’re all in jail, they started naming stuff from the jail. Ying Yang Yong’s cell mate, Bubba, had shown him his penis on several occasions, that’s where the name Flash Man came from. Although the robot in the game is not an exhibitionist, it’s the inspiration that counts. So remember, the next time you think Flash Man, think penis.

Manta: I want those eyes! Gimme! Gimme! O_o

Crash Man:
Draco: Crash Man’s music remind me of those commercials for those cheap ass Spiderman Digi Draw things. Or those Rock Writers. Both of those are shit. Crash Man looks like a retired Power Ranger. He throws exploding Pokeballs at you and he prances and jumps around like the guerrilla warfare soldiers in Bayou Billy. Your best bet to beat him, is to, like, not play his level. Or shut the game off right when you fight him, that way you always win!

Manta: I gotta admit, this guy is pretty cool. At first thought I thought he was a car that hit you, then I learned that was Turbo Man’s job. He shoots out bombs or something that look like drills, so many he is related to Drill Man. Also, he’s wearing a bike helmet.

– Dracophile and MantaMan

MegaManTitle

I’ll admit, Mega Man is a truly awesome game. It’s one of my all-time favorites. By now you are already saying something like, “But why? If you like it so much why are you attacking it?!” Either that or you are sitting there posting this on RFSHQ, “ZOMG WTF DRACO SUX HE IS REAVEWING MEGA MAN!!!1” Let me say this right quick. I’m not attacking the game itself. It’s the Robot “Masters” who couldn’t master a damn bowl of Jell-O. What better place to start than the original 6 that started it all

MegaManImage1

As you can clearly see above, there are six total “_____MEN” that want to kick your ass and/or see Mega Man turn into a bunch of little balls and make that weird “pew pew pew” noise.

Cutman:
Capcom got the idea for Cutman by watching Edward Scissorhands while high. The result was putting a hedgetrimmer on a Power Ranger’s head and being able to have him throw it at you by doing the Macarena. This idea was put into the game after one staffer reenacted The Battle Of Bunker Hill and stabbed a pair of scissors into the head of the guy next to him. He was stoned so he didn’t notice, but the brain damage made him get up and do the Macarena.

Elecman:
This is not a typo. Its not ELECT-MAN, it is Elecman. Electman would be something like a robot that shoots voting forms at you. Soon after making Cutman, one of the Capcom staff felt compelled to see if you could get a balloon to stick to your hair by putting your finger in a plug outlet. The result cost Capcom 1 employee, but it also gave them a grand idea. They should put other things in the outlets and see what happens.

Gutsman:
Somehow I think Gutsman is really a dumbed down Hulk Hogan. In all honesty though, Capcom made this guy as a joke referring to the retired sumo wrestler that was currently on Capcom programming staff. Only, in stead of 500 pounds of flapping ass everywhere, they made it muscle. So he can pick up stuff and throw it. If Gutsman threw other things besides square blocks maybe it would be more fun. Like throwing cars. Or poodles. Or poodles in cars.

Iceman:
Iceman is a disgruntled Eskimo. That’s all there is to say. He’s not even a robot, just some dude who lives in Alaska that Mega Man fucking hates. Iceman likes to chill out (pun not intended but pointed out) and watch football and play with dominoes, and Mega Man just fucks with him for no reason. Since he lives in the ice, he can breathe icy breath. That’s it. Mega Man subsequently pops a few caps in his ass and calls it a day.

Fireman:
I was very disappointed when I saw that Fireman was not a real fireman. I was hoping to battle a guy dressed in an impermeable yellow jumpsuit that shot out 300 gallons of water per second at Mega Man. Instead I get this dumbass who lit his head on fire.

Bombman:
Capcom’s final robot Master is not based off Bomberman, another really cool game. The idea for this guy came when Capcom’s staff just got done making Elecman and someone on staff who was not all there thought he was in Vietnam under American fire. He ended up hiding behind the fake office plants with a grenade which he threw at the staff. Then they made Bombman and said 6 was enough. Afterwards they all went down to 7-11 for Doritos.

– Dracophile

YoNoidTitleGame:
Yo! Noid

Developer:
Capcom & Domino’s Pizza

Genre:
Platformer

Platform:
NES

Released:
1990

“What the fuck is that?!” Five words every player of this game will say upon playing this NES game. Yo! Noid, another thing that prompts a “what the hell” response. This game, title, and characters as you will see, make no sense at all. That is this game’s problem. It makes no sense at all. It’s also a complete piece of trash but that’s obvious.

There were two developers of this game: Capcom and Domino’s Pizza. One of these two makes games like Mega Man that kick ass. The other one makes large pizzas for 10 dollars that taste like vomit. You figure out which one is what. The Noid, Domino’s mascot (I think) looks like what you would see if one decided to watch Teletubbies after smoking an ungodly amount of pot.

YoNoidImage1

What the fuck even is this I mean REALLY

Yo! Noid is one of those games where you play it once and decide its a horrible game. Then you play it again and say, “Well, this game isnt bad, it’s atrocious!” Domino’s + NES = crap. Putting Domino’s in the same room as programmers is like sticking a fork in a microwave. Rumor has it that since this game did not sell, Domino’s invested in a DR Woodchipper 4000 and made a limited edition “Gamer’s Delight” topping for their pizza.

Noid, the rabbit who accidentally was hit by a church bus, must traverse an extremely perverse landscape to go somewhere. Where that somewhere actually is… is unknown to me. More than likely it’s an ass grabbing party. Among the places he will go is a pier, a fence, some dog house thing, a farm, a horribly built city, and a few other places that I have yet to figure out what the hell they are supposed to be.

YoNoidImage2

Again I reiterate this makes NO GODDAMN SENSE.

I managed to get through Level 1 somehow. It’s quite possible I wasn’t even playing and the demo movie was playing for me and I thought I had won. Let’s just say for now I was playing. From there it just got worse. Noid runs around and smacks enemies with a yoyo. Yes, a yoyo. A plastic disc attached to a string that Noid proceeds to beat the piss out of old people with. I never found anything better than a yoyo. Maybe they have a yoyo ball on the game somewhere because those are freaking awesome.

Noid’s adventure involves collecting joints to get high and make the illusions in the game become even more worse than the screenshot above shows. Note the old cranky fisherman desperately trying to get some weed before Noid. Supposedly, this is the pier level, and that is the most fucked up pier I have seen in a long time since hurricane season. I live on the Gulf Of Mexico, when a storm comes through shit gets torn up but this pier takes the cake. Hurricane Rosie O’Donnel really took a bat to it. Gray fish, disgruntled janitors/fishermen, and sea gulls will try to foil your plans to become the crack head king of the Bronx. Remember, you can school their asses with your yoyo and make them fall off the pier and die/drown/explode.

YoNoidImage3

I give up.

Pizza Eating Contest. Just what we need. A plug for Domino’s to advertise eating pizza. Also, do we really need another deformed rabbit affiliated with Domino’s? This pizza contest is really a Math-A-Thon in disguise. The purple dude will pick a number. You pick a bigger number. The difference between the two numbers is how many points you get. If you screw this up, you are retarded.

Here is an equation to aid in explaining this phenomenon:
A= # of shit loaded pizza you will eat
B= # of artery clogging pizzas the other guy will eat
C= your score and amount that your cholesterol level rose
A – B = C

Just in case you are a total dumbfuck and can’t subtract worth a damn, you can use some items that make your number double or makes the other dude lose a turn. If you have schooling experience higher than kindergarten however, you won’t be needing them.

Defining Moment:
Domino’s actually tried to make a game. I never recalled seeing Noid anywhere else. Ever.

Graphics: 2/10
Let’s be blunt. Noid is ugly as hell. He looks like one of those disgruntled JC Pennies employees that has to dress up as Santa’s Elf at Christmas time. He’s trying to smile, but he’s just not getting there.

Sound: 2/10
Domino’s is a pizza joint, so I’m not really surprised their music sounds a lot like a Chuck E. Cheese’s that’s been hit with a Stinger missile. You’ve been to a Chuck E. Cheese’s before, I know you have. You know what their abysmal upbeat pizza time crap sounds like. Imagine some Mario rip off music with the same upbeat Chuck E. Cheese’s rhythm going on and on.

Control: 4/10
Yo! Noid is not the most difficult game to play. All you do is jump around like those guys from Bayou Billy and chunk your dollar store yoyo at people and get joints. It’s a deceptively simple game the first level is easy unless there is something wrong with you. After that the skating rink will kick your ass.

Superhero Wannabe Points: 10/10
Doesn’t Noid look a lot like some loser superhero that never caught on with the kids? Noid runs around in a partially masked red suit with a big “N” on his chest. Doesn’t Batman do the same thing only with a cape and a different logo? And why does that jerk even have a cape, he can’t fly–

YoNoidImage4

– Dracophile

CastleDragonTitleGame:
Castle of Dragon

Developer:
Seta USA, Inc.

Genre:
Hack & Slash

Platform:
NES

Released:
1989

I was expecting to possibly be seeing some cool dragons and stuff in this game. After all, it’s in the title. One problem. I keep forgetting that what you expect in these kinda games is not what you get. Castle of Dragon is a game that I do not recall ever seeing on store shelves, even that clearance rack at the Bargain Barn and I think I know why.

The object of this game is simple and used more than that fucking “Matrix Bullet Time Effect” in movies:

  • Meany dragon captures stupid princess.
  • Your character is a retard.
  • You must beat the piss out of guys trying to stop you.
  • You fight the dragon.
  • You get “dat ass”.

Castle of Dragon makes it very hard to get “dat ass” in the end. The game uses a brand new kind of fighting style I have called “Crap-Combat”. This new kind of sparring style lets you have a sword and shield which do absolutely nothing at all and adds +1 to your characters Wimp Level. This combat style allows your character to get the shit kicked out of him, and works very well on this game.

CastleDragonImage1

“RAWR! I’m going to rape you!”

Okay. Here is our stereotypical meany dragon seen here flaying away with our retarded princess. I don’t have a clue why she is dressed in a dress at this hour, but who cares, my statement of her being mentally fucked is probably true.

Let’s call the dragon “Dragon” for now, and the princess we can call, uh, “Sex Slave”. Your character should be aptly named “Wimp”. Wimp’s mission is to get through the castle and beat Dragon and save Sex Slave. Then from there Wimp proceeds to get “dat ass”… but since he is gay, he gets it from the king not the princess.

For some odd reason and I don’t know why, the castle is filled with hundreds of guys who apparently are all of Dragon’s bitches. They bump around and pelt you with shit and try to stop you quest of “dat ass”. Among the guys who will be violating you are skeletons, zombies, skeletons, skeletons… skeletons… and some skeletons. Waaaay too much variety for my tastes.

CastleDragonImage2

Above: Bullshit. Inlay: Also bullshit.

I fail to see the point of carrying a big ass metal shield if the damn thing doesn’t do anything. I have enlarged a selection of the image to show what I mean. Observe… you can clearly see me not wanting Wimp to get a lobotomy and holding his shield in front of his Fabio wannabe face. Now look at the large white thing going through it. (No not that kind of large white thing you sick fucks I’m talking about the sword!)

This shocking revelation leads me to believe Wimp’s sword is from the 4/$1 rack, and the other guy’s is from the 3/$1 rack. Seriously, 8 cents makes a big difference in plastic rigidness and durability. I should have invested more than 25 cents on a cheap ass shield and gotten the not-as-cheap-ass-but-still-sucks-big-donkey-balls shield.

Surprzingly enough, I killed his ass and got through the rest of the level by jumping around madly hitting any button I thought would do something. (aka, I played leapfrog with the other enemies) The boss is a freakass Grim Reaper wannabe who throws marbles at you. Once again, Wimp’s ghetto shield didn’t do crap so Reaperboy ended up pegging Wimp in the head about 40 or 50 times with marbles before I found out playing leapfrog with him didn’t work.

CastleDragonImage3

It’s like Super Ghouls and Ghosts, only worse.

This is the big map of where your homosexual journeys will lead you. Notice that Wimp’s head is in the Castle of Faggotry, his homies’ crib. Looking at this map, it is safe to assume that his quest will lead me through the deadly Buttrape Forest, and final to the Dragon-Who-Stole-Sex-Slave-And-Is-Doing-Tha-Humpady-Dumpady-With-Her Castle. Map provided by Mapquest(tm).

I never got to see what was in that castle and frankly, I could care less. My reasoning (which is something that is 99.9% correct) lead me to beleive that Dragon was raping her in that castle. If I did make it that far (if other guys didn’t throw shit at me) then I’d probably piss myself laughing seeing Dragon gettin’ “dat ass” in 8-bit imagery.

Defining Moment:
I felt damn proud of myself after beating the first round. Then I saw there was like, 20 more after it. I guess the game was good for the 30 seconds I thought I had won. I was celebrating with Tootsie Rolls, stale Doritos, and room temperature Gatorade. I had the phone and was about to call some friends over but them the next round started and I ended up throwing the phone across the room and broke out a window.

Graphics: 4/10
I’m pleased that I could see what was attacking me, even though those types of enemies are in every damn game ever made one way or another. If you can prove me wrong I’ll nail a board to my ass. The castles were real bland though. I couldn’t stand living in those times. The rock wall and hoorendous carpeting decor on the wall would slowly eat my mind until I would lock myself in the lavatory eating my own poop.

Sound: 3/10
The title screen music reminds me of that stupid ass Beetleborgs show on Fox Kids. I watched that show once like 8 years ago and said word for word, “This is the worst shit I have ever seen.” That’s all there was to say about it back then. I remember when I ate at McDonalds and got a Beetleborg toy instead of a Sonic one I wanted. Those assholes at McDonalds wouldn’t give me the toy I wanted so I ended up blowing the Beeltecrap toy to hell in my driveway. Scorch mark is still there.

Control: 1/10
Oh. My. God. Seta USA managed to get 1 control right in their game. Sideways movement. They missed par score by doing these following no-no’s:

  • Sword is too short to hit anything without getting face stabbed.
  • Your metal suit clad hero performs a friggin moon jump.
  • Your shield (as shown above) does as much as a bowling ball in the desert.

Stereotype Points: 10/10
This game gets all of the common NES game scenarios and problems and manages to fit them into a small, gray, plastic box.

  • Dragons (although I don’t mind this)
  • Knights
  • Skeletons and other undead Jacko worshippers
  • Difficult gameplay
  • Graphics that make Bob Dole look like one sexy mofo
  • Music that causes explosive diarrhea

– Dracophile

CheetahTitleGame:
Cheetah Men II

Developer:
Active Enterprises

Genre:
Incomprehensible Platformer

Platform:
NES

Released:
1992

No fucking way.

That’s all I could say when I saw this. With the “success” of Action 52, Active Enterprises decided it would be an excellent idea to make a sequel to one of the games from their shitty multicart. I’ve heard of better ideas in the past, such as putting metal objects into plug outlets. Making a sequel to Action 52 is not on that list.

I honestly hate Active Enterprises after playing this game. It is beyond horrible. If you take everything bad about every single game in Action 52, put it in a blender with some dog crap and hit puree, this is what comes out. Everything about this game is just a trainwreck of horrible graphics, broken controls, impossible enemies, and nasty music. It’s an orgy of bad sound effects.

On the other hand I actually admire Active Enterprises’ work. It’s clear that they are trying to piss everyone off with their crap, and they are still doing far beyond an exceptional job of it as well.

CheetahImage1

Quality control doesn’t exist.

I seriously question the intelligence of the developers. Look at the screenshot above. What;s wrong with it? They can’t spell the main characters’ name right. For the record, I did not edit this image in any way except to enlarge their serious typo. This is the only typo in the whole game that I have seen, and it just so happens to be on their characters’ name. This error made me actually watch this abysmal story.

Not only does their plot suck the big one, but now they can’t spell for shit. Maybe, if there were more than two Active Enterprises developers (Billy Bob and Bobby Bill of South Alabama) they would have been able to afford a spellchecker or some form of quality control. I wasnt even reading their intro screens and I somehow sensed stupidity and ignorance. It’s my 6th sense. I looked for less than a second and I knew there was something going down. I add to the laughter aimed at Active Enterprises’ shortcomings because these dumbfucks deserve every ounce of it.

CheetahImage2

404: Enemy not found.

Among the many enemies you will encounter, or rather, get your ass kicked by, is this disembodied suit of armor. If this is not further proof for the authorites to raid the Active Enterprises HQ for angel dust, maybe these New Kids On The Block albums I found there are. Besides the suits; eagles, snakes, some trippy ass ants, a wolf, tornadoes and some other random incarnations from The Weather Channel will try to attack you, and most likely succeed in sending your Cheetahman into a spiraling vortex of unimaginable pain.

Most of these guys are too low to hit, so you have to jump over them. The eagles are too high to hit, but you will hit your head if you don’t jump, and hit your legs if you do. No matter what, you are screwed. You can’t jump and shoot at the same time, you can’t duck, you can only mindlessly hop around like and die in 6 hits, which come very fast.

Not only are these graphics the bastardized love child of MS Paint and a meth addict, but they are also so damn bright you lose track of where you are and end up letting eagles and ants pelt you to death. Again, excellent use of IQ on Active Enterprises’ part.

CheetahImage3

FURRY CONVENTION: THE GAME

Here we have what looks like a cross between an iguana and a human, but with the mentality of a rock. I have no clue what this is supposed to be, but this is Active Enterprises we are talking about here, so never mind. Shooting arrows pisses it off and makes the bulky thing run warp speed (where he then subsequently kills you). Only in Cheetah Men land. I can only guess that thing must have escaped from the head of one of the programmers. It was added into the game because it was crap, and crap belongs in this game, just like crap (and roaches) belong at KFC.

It’s amazing that every aspect of this game sucks so badly. Usually there is something in each game I review that I like even the least bit whether it be music, a character, or even an item or something. This game… this… this hideous thing has nothing. It has MS Paint-ish graphics and annoying music. The music is so horrible that it will turn your testicles into ovaries.

Defining Moment:
You got me on this one. There is not one thing anyone could possibly enjoy about this game. There is no game over music or screen. There are no good looking graphics. There is no music that does not make your head plusate and ache like horrible Kidz Bop music. There aren’t even good controls for the game. This game has done it! It’s worse than Action 52!

Graphics: 0/10
The game looks kind of like Super Mario Bros. but with an incredibly simplified set of colors and patterns. Every aspect of the graphics are horrible. Some of the enemies look out of place like they were coded by an entirely different person or stolen from another game.

Sound: 0/10
Imagine the worst elevator music you have heard. Now digitize it and add in one monotonous drum loop. This is what you will have to put up with the whole time you play this thing. Once you hear this music, it’s too late. You cannot be saved. You are one of them now.

Control: 0/10
The controls for the game are nonexistent. You can’t jump over half of the enemies you see. You can’t shoot low guys. You can’t duck. You can’t jump and shoot. All you can do is move left and right and shoot some lame ass arrows and do a few jumps. That’s it. Your arrows miss constantly and because you cant jump and shoot eagles and just about everything else will hit you.

Ninja Turtles Rip Off Points: 10/10
Anthropomorphic animals that have ninja weapons and spout out random catchphrases, gee where have I see that formula before?

– Dracophile

ASCIITitleGame:
Super ASCII Bros.

Developer:
SL1ME

Genre:
Platformer

Platform:
NES

Released:
?

Hey does that title screen look vaguely familiar? Yeah, I thought so. I thought I was going insane for a second there. After playing Action 52 I’ve been put on heavy medication. The screenshot resembles Super Mario Bros. Oddly, so does the music. And the gameplay. But you know what??? It’s not. This is teh uber r0xx0r s00pr ASCII br0s xtra uber 1337 ed1t10n! w00txxorz!!1

I don’t know why anyone would be sick enough to take a game already great and wonderful and make it into some kind of two color crap pile. This game is a perfect example of a 24K gold game turning into pure 24K crap. In this case, the medium through which he transformation took place was an uber 1337 hax0r script kiddie.

I guess we should all bow down to SL1ME’s uber 1337ness or something, but I would rather show my appreciation for his work by having Fred, my pet two by four, meet SL1ME’s face. I’ve seen a lat of craptastical Super Mario Bros hacks in my time playing NES ROMs. Carnage, All Night Nippon Bros, and a few others are bad, but this, this one takes the cake, er, crap.

ASCIIImage1

Above: Hell on Earth. Not pictured: God.

OMG LOL WTF ^_^ ROTFLMFAO!1! I do recall this location in the non-crap version of the game. Look at it now. Look at it! Everything is so… so… awful! See how ASCrapII ruins it all??

I hate the graphic/character used for AssCII Mario’s head. You won’t believe how annoying that goddamned thing is staring right back at you while you try to figure out what the hell 3/4 of the crap on your screen is. And it’s smiling. Smiling because he has down syndrome or something like that. I made him special after Fred kissed AssCII Mario’s face.

ASCIIImage2

I bet their go-karts are broken.

The castles now look like some retarded race car palace. Or NASCAR. Either one is shitty. Anything that involves a checkerd flag and could be considered gay is inside that castle. I’m not up to par today, I can’t name all the stupid things in there, GeoCities wouldn’t allocate me the space anyways. I must be off par because I’m still scared as hell after dreaming about Asian people throwing sharpened pencils at me. That was weird.

I can’t stand most n00b terminology or spelling. One of my favorite quotes concerning this was said by Nanaman of RA-Reborn’s staff:

“If you use anything besides the regular LOLs and such, I will personally come to your house, shit in your mouth while you sleep, and kill your family.”

I don’t know if it is even humanly possible to take in 3 zillion pixels of 100% unfiltered crap per minute. It could very well make you retarded or special. In other words, it will make you ride the, ahem, Short Bus. Action 52 also has this effect.

ASCIIImage3

Does anybody even know what’s going on anymore?

It took me about 15 minutes to figure out what the hell that thing made of inverted happy faces was. Don’t see it? Its right above the ??’s with the eyes. I had to go back and play the original game to see what the hell it was. I got tired of playing though, so, I guess I’ll never know. It didn’t really matter to me anyway.

I had an image of what Bowser looked like, but it started burning my retinas out so I had to delete it to save my sight. Imagine a picture of Bowser. Now, take 4 pounds of LSD. Now go look at the sun until you turn colorblind. Finally, go look at a pile of shit. There you go.

Defining Moment:
*glare* Not funny.

Graphics: 0/10
ASCII Art is a double edged blade. Sometimes it’ll look awesome. Sometimes it’ll look like crap. AShitCII Bros is the second outcome. It’s graphics are junk, as I have pointed out, and you have seen firsthand. I could do better with Notepad. With nails in my hands and with Richard Simmons threatening to touch me “there” if I did not work.

Sound: 5/10
The game still has its original music, which I never really liked anyways. It’s migranie inducing powers have been working their magic on me since the game’s release. I played the game on mute and found it 100% more enjoyable because that was one less thing for me to cringe about.

Control: 3/10
The new and “improved” graphics make identifying potential bad guys and identifying items or coins about as easy as trying to control an autistic kid without using violence or sedatives. Usually I avoided anything that moved, whether it be good or bad. I didn’t want to find out. The outcome is always the same: stupid.

1337ness r0xx0r Pointxxorz: 10/10
This is about as 1337 as you can get. Turning Super Mario Bros into an ASCII crapsterpiece and calling it a game is the apex of 1337ness, and, hax0ring 1337 people can sometime be annoying, especially when they trash a good game like chubbies attacking a salad bar.

– Dracophile