Thexder000Game:
Thexder

Developer:
Game Arts

Genre:
Scrolling Shooter

Platform:
NES

Released:
1985

Game Arts is a virtually unknown company in the realm of the NES. If this game is any indication then I’m pretty sure why no one has heard of them. Thexder, while not only hard to pronounce, is also hard to play. So hard in fact that you could probably do better with your eyes closed or even just not playing at all. Thexder is like the Transformer that everyone didn’t like because he sucked ass. Your character, a robot called Thexder, starts the game out as a jet flying down a tunnel. Once you get into the play field however, you can transform into a walking robot that is an easy target for all of the incredibly small and fast enemies this game has to offer. Originally I came face to face with this monstrosity under the name “Chexdex” on some pirated cartridge, but now it’s mano y mano.

Thexder001

Give up. Now.

At any given time there are no less than about 20 various enemies that crawl around, fly around, crawl and fly, shoot, or do all of the following and also still be in your wireless calling plan. Trying to shoot these enemies as Robot Thexder proves ineffective since the geniuses who created this game decided to make your bullets lock on to your target, and when there’s about 40 of them chasing you it’s really not helpful when your bullets starting taking out the dumbasses in the back or just shoot wildly in all directions except in front of you. On top of crappy shooting controls, the game also has embarassingly bad… control controls. Walking around as Thexder is useless, your best bet is flight since your player is about 1/3 his normal size and a lot faster. The only problem is that maneuvering is sluggish, and if you try to pull a 180 you convert back to that cheap robot.

If it wasn’t bad enough, there are a series of thin mazes you can only navigate as the jet, and since you need tight controls, the game decides it would be best to turn you into the robot at the most inopportune times and get you jammed in the wall where you can either shoot bullets everywhere or try and get out as the jet. If you manage to get out of the maze, you’ll be greeted with about 30 more of those little flying bastards that don’t do anything but hit you and are impossible to shoot at since your gun operator never passed first grade. The entire time you’re trying to do this, though, you have some really great suspenseful music playing, and by suspenseful I mean something that sounds like an Atari with someone trying to get a VCR to eat a tape.

Thexder003

Fuck this goddamned game.

When the inevitable happens and one of the many twirly enemies smashes your robot, you die and the music hangs on whatever note it was on while the “GAME OVER” text takes about a minute to decide to appear on the screen along with your final score (which won’t be higher than about 7 probably). You’ll get to enjoy this hanging note until you either press buttons until you get back to the title screen, or just give up and find something else better to do with your time.

Defining Moment:
I’d have to say I was pretty happy when I managed to get out of that damn maze that I was stuck in for about 10 minutes. Can’t say I was too enthused about the onslaught of randomly appearing spinning boxes that proceeded to whack the holy hell out of Thexder though.

Graphics: 1/10
Like the launch of Pokemon in the United States everything is either blue or red or some shade of the two. The game is straightforward. Walls. Enemies. You. The least they could have done is to do something like not making the enemies look like random projectiles you may or may not have shot out from the ass of your robot though. And in space I really don’t think you’re going to be encountering spinning boxes and diamonds with cages around them. If you’ve seen the movie Lawnmower Man you’d know shit like that doesn’t work.

Sound: 0/10
If this game had more than 3 notes maybe I would have given it a 1. The fact that there is only one track which loops after 5 seconds, and that it hangs when you die or pause the game, and might be known to cause brain cancer from prolonged exposure… this is a run-on sentence isn’t it? Screw it. The music and sound effects (or lack thereof) blow.

Control: 0/10
One thing that would have made this game better is the ability to turn around in flight, instead of reverting back to Crap-O-Tron. Ok, two things that would have made this game better. Make your bullets hit something besides the floor or the enemy in the very back of the wave. Alright alright, three things that would have made this game better. Just forgetting about it altogether. Just have Game Arts’ staff wake up one morning and decide to go work for a gas station.

Transformer Points: 7/10
Thexder seems to be a crappy attempt to cash in on the Transformers fad of the 1980’s. The main character does just that, although rather unoriginally, and I’m pretty sure Optimus Prime had better things to do than solve mazes and screw around with non-descript enemies in some world that doesn’t even have a back story.

– Dracophile

20image1Game:
Demon Sword

Developer:
Taito

Genre:
Hack & Slash w/ Flying

Platform:
NES

Released:
1989

Demon Sword is a game that puts all of those really cool (and I use that term very loosely) moves that you see on stupid animes such as Inuyasha into one. Your character, now that I think of it, bears a striking resemblance to that guy. He wears all red, jumps around, and is a total moron. He also wields a sword, which in the title screen almost looks badass, but then you realise it resembles a tree with no leaves, possibly even a hat rack. Even worse, the sword you get in the game looks like it should be used to butter rolls.

20image2

INUYASHA KAGOME INUYASHA KAGOME INUY–

Your sword bears a curious power that completely flips your enemies upside-down as soon as you hit them. This is helpful because you can’t tell if they’re upside-down already or if the programmers just decided to smoke a lot of weed while they made this. Probably both. Aside from your butter knife, you can throw a seemingly unlimited amount of ninja stars, which do about as much as throwing paper balls at someone. It just pisses them off. There are two kinds of enemies in this game: red guys, and black guys. They both do the same, only red guys like to jump around alot, and act significantly more stupid. Both of them use what I think are swords, but I can’t be sure, but either way, it’s a white line that hurts you if it touches you. I assume that means “sword”.

A nice feature in Demon Sword is that you can jump really, really, REALLY high. This is nice because you can beat an entire level by holding Up and Right. Enemies also fall from the sky, wildly swinging whatever it is they use as a weapon in a circle. They almost got the idea of a helicopter down, but they’re spinning it at the wrong angle, and that is why skeleton ninjas are now extinct in Asia. When your character, whom I will now refer to as Inuyasha, jumps, he flashes his ass cheeks at you and flies up in the air. How he flies so high I think might have something to do with his bare ass. Unfortunately, you are vulnerable while flying and in that image Inuyasha loses his head because a Reverse Helicopter Skeleton Ninja whacked him in the neck. No amount of 69’s, Lightning Bolts, or Letter “E”‘s With An Extra Line can save him now.

20image4

Meanwhile, back on Earth…

Fighting the bosses is pretty easy since all of them have a combined IQ of 7. They will usually sit there, randomly jumping and swinging their swords or whatever it is evil Asian bosses used in those days, until you pelt them with ninja stars or swing your butter knife at them. Every time you hit a boss they squeak and bounce around and will continue to do this until you have hit them about 30 times wherein they will make some kind of digital fart noise, blink, and then disappear. All that is missing is a “A WINNER IS YOU” message.

Defining Moment:
Being able to fly across any level in about thirty seconds by jumping continuously. You can totally skip any graphics programming the developers did and see nothing but a plain blue background the entire time. It’s simplistic programming bugs like being able to jump like you’re on the goddamn moon that make bad games worse. In this case, it set a new low for NES games.

Graphics: 1/10
I found it funny that enemies flip upside down when you smack them. Other than that the rest of this mess looks uninspired and recycled. The trees and bamboo have numerous bugs in them that make them look buggy, inverted, or scrambled. Demon Sword is a mess of display glitches and bugs that rival the likes of Action 52.

Sound: 1/10
If suspenseful and dramatic anime music is your favorite genre of music, then this game is for you. The music always gives the hint that something exciting might happen, but to me, skeletons that do flips and lots of jumping don’t classify as “exciting”.

Control: 2/10
The controls are easy to master, because as long as you hold Up and Right you can beat the entire level until you get to the boss. When it comes to the actual combat, your character can swing away all he wants, and enemies will pass right through your sword. Ninja stars make guys flip upside down, and they have a range of about an inch on the screen.

Inuyasha Lookalike Points: 9/10
Your guy looks an awful lot like Inuyasha. And Inuyasha sucks. Big time. I can’t see why all of those dumb kids like Inuyasha either, it’s so damn boring.

– Dracophile

19image1Game:
Nude Barbie

Developer:
Darkangel

Genre:
Platformer

Platform:
NES

Released:
1997

Barbie, an icon of young girls everywhere. Nude Barbie, an icon of confused teenage boys everywhere. That’s just what’s been served in the latest game to fall into my digital collection. Nude Barbie. It’s a modification of an existing Barbie game that essentially makes the plastic diva naked. Now, some of you all are thinking, “Well, Barbie’s got a nice body.” or “I would hit it.”. No, no you wouldn’t. Not in this case.

19image2

“Dear God, please kill me. Amen.”

Our adventure begins with Barbie praying to be able to go to do fun things the next day. She dreams of such wonderful stereotypical things like going shopping and getting a makeover. Why Barbie is praying I have no clue, because when she wakes up she’s about to guarantee herself to be damned to Hell where Satan can dress her up in whatever he wants, just like what little girls do. Or he can just do what everyone does. Take her clothes off and keep her in the toybox.

Barbie goes to the mall in the first round… butt naked. Her nude figure is horrid to say the least. Nothing can explain why she has pecs instead of a rack and why she has “flounder eye nipples” that are on the sides of her tits. Infact, I don’t think she is even in a mall. I’m guessing it’s actually a Wal-Mart because usually when you walk into a Wal-Mart you have to walk past all the shit you don’t like… in this case, Sporting Goods. Is it just me, or am I sensing an innuendo of her being surrounded by a bunch of balls while she’s nude? I thought so. The entire Wal-Mart she is “shopping” in is so screwed and fucked up it’s just unexplainable. There are only 3 colors in this game once you begin. Pink, pink, and pink. Your objective is to run through the Wal-Mart picking up little “B” icons on the way. It’s incredibly difficult to tell an item apart from scenery since everything looks the same, and everything is plastered with approximately seven thousand letter B’s. StrawberryClock would be proud.

19image4

ball wit a ball da bangy bang diggyKILL ME NOW PLEASE

Enemies consist of various sporting goods, like tennis rackets and badminton rackets (which are the same thing), they only shoot different bullets at you. They’re impossible to dodge since you are unable to duck and when Barbie jumps it’s likely that Stephen Hawking could do better. The tennis rackets bounce green balls (which I assume are tennis balls) up and down fast enough that you’ll get hit every time you try to cross through it. A screen length later a badminton racket will launch birdies at you and all you can do is get nailed by them about fifty times before you can get across it. It’s guaranteed that you’ll get teabagged at least three times in this game while you play it.

Luckily, you have some kind of weapon at your disposal. Barbie can pull gems out of her vagina and throw them at shit. The problem with this is that the little gems do absolutely nothing no matter how many times you hit something. I’ve found that you can only hit two things: a puppy dog and a toucan. At first I thought that this would be like Little Nemo: The Dream Master and you can feed them gems and they will help you but after hitting the dog about twenty times I decided it’s not going to do anything and I promptly gave up on it and decided this is one of the worst games that I have ever played.

Defining Moment:
Finding out that Barbie has flounder eye nipples. Seriously. I think Mattel has little robots that come out and destroy people who try and make nude Barbie images, so this game came as a shock to me. But now since I possess a copy of this, I hope those robots don’t come and find MNETIKGNRO$J*Yngklsd.sd,.gsngljdfo…

Graphics: 0/10
Pink. Everywhere. I seriously think the overload of pink ruined my monitor’s display settings. The sprites are atrocious, Barbie is without arms in more than half of her sprites, enemies are solid colors, and everything just looks like a Hobby Lobby train smashed head on into a Wal-Mart train.

Sound: 2/10
Whoever programmed the sound for this game is a total dumbass. The background music has two channels, one of which shares the same channel as the sound effects. Because of this, doing anything in the game will cause it to fuck up the music playing and it will later pick up again once you forget about it. The music is bearable, but the sound effects are just pure crap.

Control: 0/10
This game showcases controls so bad that this game might have been made to deter young girls from playing the NES altogether. Not only does Barbie walk slow as hell, she couldn’t jump if her life depended on it. Jumping from platform to platform has never been so hard before as you will fall through them no less than 100% of the time.

Sexy Points: -10/10
Barbie was a sex symbol a while back. This game set any women’s movements back about 50 years. Barbie’s figure in this game is similar to staring at a spin art machine until you throw up. It’s that bad. The colors clash with everything, she has no fucking arms, it’s just, sad to say the least.

– Dracophile

For some reason or another people seem to like these comic things. Ultima the Hedgehog keeps the spirit alive with a small Sonic “sprite comic” edition using sprites from Sonic Battle.

sonicplayset_MrFuzzy

Mr Fuzzy knows exactly what goes on at fchan.

sonicplayset_RadioFSoftware

Dracophile probably has this printed out somewhere.

sonicplayset_Thedu

Thedu provides a translation of modern day Sonic.

sonicplayset_Ultimathehedgehog

Ultima the Hedgehog does a great impression of every sprite comic ever.

– The RFSHQ Forums

 

185image1Game:
Super Bros. 10 Kung Fu Mari

Developer:
???

Genre:
Side Scrolling Beat ‘Em Up

Platform:
NES

Released:
???

Much is unknown about this game, like who made it, and when it was released. However there is also a lot that is known about it. The first thing, and obvious since it is here, is that it blows; that was expected of course, this is RFSHQ. It’s also apparently a pirated hack and we all know that those are the best to make fun of, because we have had fun in the past with such things as Contra Function. It’s great how those crafty pirates love to pick the worst games possible to turn into a Super Mario Bros. rip off. It’s just mind boggling! Their victim of bastardization today? An already shitty game known as Jackie Chan’s Kung Fu.

185image2

Jesus Christ look at his face.

Things already look bad for this game upon starting it up. Not only does the bottom info bar not make a damn bit of sense, the uppity Asian kung pow fooey music is getting really old, really fast. It’s like buying sushi in Japan, only if you were stoned and anime choirs were shouting razor bladed lyrics at you. Since this is a Jackie Chan game, I’d really like to have seen some better moves than just punch, flail, flail, and die. The premise of this game is very confusing. There’s a short opening sequence of him doing something at a waterfall, and then running to this old guy, and then running into certain doom which is the rest of the game. No idea what it all means, or what relevance it has to the game, but it was confusing as hell.

There’s a nice array of enemies to beat up in this game, as you can see in this picture we have a demonic Krillin with a battle axe and a frog that can jump through walls. Not pictured are several other seriously tough baddies, like floating shells, floating nunchucks, and fish. Very serious creatures that if you were to confront in real life, they’d totally kick your ass. Infact, since I live near fish and shells, my insurance is just over the top. I’d hate to live near all of them and the floating nunchucks, I’d be raped on a regular basis! Luckily, Mari can “punch” at things with an arm that closely resembles radioactive feces.

185image4

I smell Cheetahmen.

Our hero dies in a very anime-ish way which makes me want to kill something. Anything can fall the great Kung Fu Mari, as you see in this picture a thing that is missing pieces of his leg kicked his ass. Mari gets his shit ruined by a cripple; Stephen Hawking could kick his ass. Speaking of incompetence, that little icon with a 7 never goes down to 6 when you use that move, so in theory you can spin kick through an entire level.

When you die (which will happen quite often) a huge kidney falls on Mari that has a GAME OVER sign strapped onto it. Mari’s expression never changes, which makes me think he likes getting body parts dropped on him. I think there is a website for that since I’m pretty sure someone out there jacks off to Mario lookalikes getting pelted with organs. You never know. This is the Internet, and nothing is sacred. Hell, I’d buy it, and now I’ve said too much. I think it’s time this review ends before I reveal more dirty secrets.

Defining Moment:
Mari’s little anime death scene. It gave me more of a reason to hate this game more than any other game I’ve ever reviewed, with Action 52 being a close second.

Graphics: 2/10
It’s a graphics hack, so I will only rate the edited portions of the graphics. And that would be the giant head of Mari’s. It’s as big as his body, which means it is actually still Jackie Chan, only he is wearing this big fake Mario head. Jackie is Asian and he has magical powers so I was kind of hoping he wouldn’t let it effect him. He probably can’t see, which explains why he jumps and moves like a drunk in this game.

Sound: 1/10
Upbeat happy Asian kung fu music = no. It sounds like anime music, like that Naruto bullshit that everyone is orgasming over these days. I’ve seen an episode or two of that, and I couldn’t stand five minutes of their disgusting voices or the stupid ass storyline. I can’t even stand the characters, everything about the show blows ass. I also just now realized this entire paragraph has nothing to do with this game at all.

Control: 4/10
I like being able to continuously do a front flip through an entire level and be indestructible. It’s like being Jesus, if he actually flipped through the air and beat the piss out of everything. This is the game’s only redeeming gameplay quality is the fact that the pirates got rid of any and all counters in the game. That’s the good news. The bad news is that Mari jumps like a brick on Jupiter. He’s also fun to control meaning that this rebel kung fu ninja plumber doesn’t like doing what you and your controller tell him to do, so you die alot.

Jackie Channess: 0/10
This is nothing like Jackie Chan or anything he would be doing. I’ve seen this dude like, fly around in the air just by jumping off some kid’s basketball in mid air, and yet I can’t even get this Jackie wanna be to jump an inch on my screen. This is total crap and I think that I should call in Penn & Teller to confirm the bullshit, since they do that pretty well.

– Dracophile

What the hell is a “Pineapple Swatter”? What the fuck is “DewQ” and “Ruhy”? This is what several users of Miniclip were asking when a “game tester” known as Fricket began posting a bunch of utter bullshit. Lies that were so obvious that after reading the first word you knew it was crap. The thread he started began with one of those annoying “Favorite Game System Polls” and somehow on Page 2 it became seriously derailed.

By now, you all know me. I never post chat logs and such unless they are honestly worthwhile. This takes the cake. I have saved the posts from the forum in case the thread is pruned so it can be preserved on RFSHQ forever.

[Editor’s Note: I have truncated some posts since a few of them were huge flames. Fricket’s posts are copied in their full form, however, typos and all. Commentary is denoted with square brackets.]

 

Fricket:

really i like the

1. PS3
2. Xbox 360
3. Nintendo 64

Better then ANYTHING! i have a PS2 but it’s LAGGY it skips and doesn’t play ANY of my CDs (ex. Gantsa Rap cds) [Because Frizzle is a straight up G, yo.] anyway the Xbox360 can play

PC
Music
Xbox
Xbox 360 [Never would have guessed.] DVD
and ONLINE!!!

ps2 only has
DVD
PS
LIVE
EYETOY
PS2 (only!)

Nintendo 64 is alot better but it doesn’t have anything the ps2 has!! it’s the games that’s counts!

ps3 has:
I DON’T KNOW I’M JUST A GAME TESTER!!!! PS2 XBOX 360,PS3.NINTENDO64,NINTENDO R, GBA AND PSP NEW GAME TESTER!!!!! [If you haven’t guessed by now, this is where the ball is dropped.]

i’m getting the ps3 in 3 weeks
nintendo r is out 2006 in us
ps is out in 2006 fall
Xbox 360 2005 winter
PSP2 2007 winter
peace outs!!!

 

Dracophile:

Yeah. I totally beleive that you’re a beta tester for the PS3 and all of those other systems. Did you know I was a tester for Atari ten years before I was actually born? I can see through your badly fabricated lie. Stop while you’re ahead. If I worked for a game production company, people like you would be at the bottom of my list of projected testers.

You sound like the average deranged console fanboy to me.

 

Fricket:

i am really a GAME TESTER i know the next-gen game system!! go ahead ask me anything about GAMES!!!! i played EVERY game in the WORLD!!!!!! PSP3 is out 2010 Spring! [This is it. The storm is coming. Lock your doors and board up your windows.]

PS3=2006
Xbox 360= 2005 Winter
PS4= 2031 Winter!
Xbox 720= 2300 Spring! [Microsoft loves naming shit after skateboard tricks.] PS1 REMIXED= 2090 Fall! [Because Sony will wait a century to improve the PS1.] Nintendo R v2= 2055 Summer!
Slam Boy= 2111 Spring!
Gam Boys= 2900 Winter(ex)

ex is the middle of the season in the Future! [I like to imagine this sentence echoing.]

Dew Sew= 3409 summe(ex) [Published by Singer.] Nintendo R1= 2006 US
Pump It Up Boys= 2100 [Weren’t these the air shoes in the 1990’s?] Future Boys= 2010 Winter
EX= 7100 winter (ZX)
ZX= 10029 Summer (PO)

ZX is the EXTRA future last day of the season
EX is the least next gen 2nd last day of the season [Mark your calenders!]

PS4 remix= 2300 summer
Xbox 1200= 2455 Spring
Mars Boy= 20999212 summer [That’s a really big gap in time.] Space 180= 4952214685 Spring
Next-Gen Boy= 30427785839059081248390 Ruhy (new season in the future!) [RUHY!] Billion= 3442222 Summer!

i got the WHOLE time line of the games till 899309348357862578608576234574967 DewQ

ask me ANYTHING about games in the future!!!!

 

Dracophile:

Here’s a question. When do you “shut up”?

You’re making all of this up, and it is about as obvious as an elephant in a living room.

I seriously died a little on the inside after reading your utter crap. You know nothing about video games. You obviously never will. You are a hopeless fanboy who will amount to just that, a hopeless fanboy who will buy anything with Nintendo or Sony plastered all over it just to have it.

 

The Visions:

I work for Sony, they’ve already planned for games over five hundred thousand years in the future. Totally. Trust me.

 

Fricket:

I Am Right Psp2 Is!

And Dieing And Coming Back To Life Is Imposable! [No idea what he is talking about.]

Dude Your Like 20-39 Well I’m 13!!!!! I Know More Then You!! I Have Every Consloe In The World!!!! And Alll The Next-next-next-gen Games!!!!!!! [I sound so smart the kid thinks I’m almost 40 when in my profile it states 17.]

And Draco
1) “ture Or Fasle” Mar Boy? [Sounds like a candy bar to me.] 2) Do You What Company Does Ps2 And Xbox? [All your base are belong to Fricket.] 3) What’s The Company That Makes The Mars Boy?? [The people who make M&Ms.] 4) Are You Funny?(no!) [lol rfshq]

 

Dracophile:

How do you even know the world will still be around in the year 3097398930809489489040 and why is there such a long period of time in between the last few consoles? And why are there new seasons? Who told you all of this, was it your Magic 8 Ball?

[During this period I had shown images and such from my Atari game Pineapple 2000 after telling Fricket he is an insult to real game developers. This will come into play soon in a glorious way…]

 

Dracophile:

Oh, Fricket! Please come back and tell me more about gaming in the future!

 

Fricket:

you really think i would?! (YES i would be glad to!)

Pinapple SWATER= 13300 Spring [Pinapple-fucking-SWATER.] Past Cavemen= 21334 Winter
Present= 2006 [You’re off by a year.] Winter O2 GBA= 2349
Xbox Viptor(4600)= 56677 [Microsoft will have named a country “Xbox” by then.]

 

Dracophile:

Please tell me you don’t expect me to believe that.

 

The Visions:

The crippling stupidity and false claims make me cringe in disgust.

 

Fricket vanished soon thereafter and hasn’t been back since.

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: As of this article’s republication in 2014 the PlayStation 3 was released in 2006 (as announced) and the PlayStation 4 entered the North American market in 2013, a full eighteen years early. The alleged “Nintendo R” is still missing in action.]

At my age the whole magical magicness of Chuck E. Cheese’s has worn off; there’s not a whole lot of ‘cool’ about a rat that eats pizza nowadays. I really have no use going there anymore unless it’s to supervise kids for some party. I have a lot of knowledge about some of the more common games they have there and how to cheat the system, however. I figured if this information is no good to me anymore then I should pass it down to those who still enjoy playing games there. Even if you don’t need this information, it’s a fun read.

 

Ski-Ball

Ski-Ball is a classic. Every arcade in the history of arcades has Ski-Ball. If it doesn’t, then it’s not an arcade. It’s probably a Dillards or Sears you’ve mistakenly walked into. Common mistake I assume. Ski-Ball takes some skill, but you can nail the 900,000 mark and get the current jackpot easily. You’re expecting me to say “walk up the ball ramp” but we all know once more than 20 or so pounds are sensed on the ball ramp the game shuts itself off…

So how do you get all the way up to the top of the game to shove a ball in? Well, the railings of the games (the left side dispenses tickets, the right dispenses balls) don’t have pressure sensors, so if you climb up on that and walk up, placing your feet on the sides, you can get to the very top and shove every ball into the 100,000 hole. Simple as that. Just make sure no one sees you.

Or, if you do not want to risk getting caught since walking up a Ski-Ball game is pretty obvious and loud, see if you can squeeze yourself between the game on the far left or far right and do the same.

 

Hot Shot Basketball (That Shoe-shaped Basketball Game)

Every location may or may not have this game. It’s a large shoe that’s a basketball game for kids. If there’s not one, see if there is an equivalent, a short basketball game you can easily stand next to. If it’s against the wall and you can’t stand beside it, this will not work. You also must be tall enough to fit your hand into the hoop.

The game doesn’t know the difference between a ball and a slice of pizza. It keeps score when something crosses in front of its light sensor. This should be a basketball, but the game won’t know if oh… your hand was rapidly waving across it. Start the game, and just stand next to it waving your hand across the sensor in the hoop. Every 3 “baskets” = 1 ticket unless they’ve messed with the score or set a maximum number of tickets. If you can wave about six times a second, that’s 2 tickets every second. If the game lasts about 90 seconds… 2 x 90 = 180. If you can wave really fast, you can easily score upwards of 250 per game.

 

Cyclone

Cyclone is that dorky game where you put the token in and try to hit the buzzer to stop the light on the “Jackpot” space, the one between two neon gates. The light will go around and around the circumference of the table, and you press “HIT” when it lights up the Jackpot spot. The game is damn near impossible, but there is a lock on the game that prevents jackpots from being paid.

By default, this lock is set to unlock when the jackpot is 250 or higher. This may or may not apply to other locations, but most managers will not alter the default settings of the games. Wait until everyone else jacks the total up to 250 or higher, then try to play it. It doesn’t matter how great your timing is, it will not land on jackpot unless the default 250 limit is breached.

 

Big Wheel (The Token Payoff Machine)

This is the game where you shoot tokens onto a moving ferris wheel or onto the metal in front of it so the pushing arm might knock some tokens into the hopper for you to take and use elsewhere. Some versions of this game do not pay off in tokens and instead tickets, but either way this tip will still help.

It may seem obvious that there’s a tilt sensor in the game, but that only works if the game is plugged in. Kick the cord out of the wall and carefully tilt the machine forward so the tokens carelessly slide forward and into the hopper. Plug the machine back in, act like nothing at all happened, and take your bounty.

There are a few other games I know of but if I recall correctly most of them are not in service anymore. If I happen to see some of these still around I’ll post a sequel to this.

– Dracophile

This is a very odd find I made on eBay a few weeks back. This was listed as a Chinese pirated Atari cart, however it is fairly new because it’s intended as a joke on the Atari Flashback console released in 2004. Naturally, I picked this game up at the Buy It Now price of $45.00 because it seemed to be rare and hard to find, as I found no information on it online. It had to be a new cart that has surfaced, and it is PAL format.

I received it in the mail, still in its box and everything. The box is an oddity because it claims to have “00” Games on it, but in reality it has 3 games with no varying difficulties. It also has “Not Authentic” printed on its box. Hey, what is better than honesty, ya know? This is actually a pretty decent pirate cart. I don’t even think it is truly a pirate cartridge at all because the games here are all original! However, there is evidence to say it is a pirate cart because of its box art, it’s the Flashback box art, and shows the special controller for the Flashback. This game doesn’t need any fancy controllers, just a standard joystick and you’re set to go!

Game one is called “Find The Missing Original Games”. This game plays similar to Pac-Man and Lock ‘N’ Chase. You have to make your way through a Pac-Manish maze and find the little cartridges all over the floor. While you do this the Atari Administration will be on your ass trying to capture you and get the cartidges back from you. You are able to open and close doors, plant walls, and pick up extra bonus points like Post-It notes, staplers, and tape.

The next game is a very zany, fast paced action game called “Go Buy A 2600 On eBay”. In this eBay sim game you start at the eBay homepage and you have to actually find a 2600 for “sale” and bid on it. The auctions really do last for up to 7 days, just like the real eBay! In order to try this out I had to give up watching Spike TV for a whole week. At first there is not much action, but then in the last half hour or so the bid war is on big time. You have to keep hitting “Refresh” to make sure you’re in the lead. If you aren’t, you have to place another bid. If you win the 2600 you beat the game! If you lose, well then you just wasted a week. Still a fun gem though.

The next and final game is the most humorous and is called “Throw This Piece Of Crap Into A Lake”. The title is misleading though. You aren’t throwing this game into a lake, but rather, it’s a game where you have to throw the Flashback into a lake. It sounds easy, but really this game is like Human Cannonball and you have to get the trajectory just right or else you will miss. The lakes will randomly differ in size, and the wind will speed up or change direction. You have to adjust it perfectly to get the bonus points. If a shark jumps up and eats it before it hits the water, you get a triple score multiplier, so watch for their jumping patterns.

All in all this game has it flaws, sometimes it is too easy, or the games get boring fast like the eBay one, but overall it’s a really funny game and is actually fun to play. I highly recommend you search on eBay for a copy of CrapBack, you won’t be disappointed!

– Dracophile

I first saw this game at a flea market on a shelf with a whole bunch of other boxes of games and assorted junk not organized. This is one of the few games I don’t have in my collection and I have been wanting it since its mysterious appearance in late 2004. The story behind the game is pretty strange, as it came out of nowhere and appeared at E3 where a few hot models were handing out and demonstrating copies of it. This game uses the rare “double jug” controller which looks like a set of breasts. One acts like a paddle wheel, the other, the button. Quite comical and makes a nice conversation piece if I do say so myself.

I plug this game in and I am greeted by a very Legoish woman who beeped and said some incomprehensible combinations of computer farts and buzzes and a menu popped up with cheesy digitized porno music playing in the background. I used the boobie controllers to give each game on the cart a test drive. The cartridge had four games on it, each with varying difficulties depending on your game choice.

The first game on the list is called “Spank Me Harder” and is a very intriguing game that makes use of the special controller in a very odd way. It plays a lot like Donkey Konga and Dance Dance Revolution in the fact that you have to slap the pair of… btatas… to the beat of the music playing in the game. The music will change depending on the chosen skill level. Whilst you slap away an assortment of pixels which I think is supposed to be a pole dancer does a show for you, complete with digitized dollar bills in her crack. This was a very fun game with few errors. My only complaint is the reason why the publisher, Vivid Video, decided to make the girls’ skin blue, green, and yellow. I think they were fans of the cartoon Doug.

Second on the list of games we have “For A Dollar More”. This game uses up all of the cart’s RAM and runs a bit slow. It is almost like an RPG. You start out as a regular goer to this nightclub called Grames ‘N’ Dames and you get a routine lap dance and nothing more. However, the stripper tells you “For a dollar more… I’ll go further… *wink*”. So now the game puts you out on the streets to find as much money as possible in five minutes. The more money you get, the more risque your reward will be. You find change and bills all over the city in this side scrolling action mode. You can punch, so you need to fight off stray cats and bums. You can also punch trash cans and other things like mail boxes and bushes to find bonuses.

You go back to Grames ‘N’ Dames and hand over the dough and then the stripper does her thing. It’s all blocky, but you can fill in the blanks on your own. I managed to rack up $14.59 by punching hobos over and over again, and my reward was some swell Lego boobies and a nice booty shakin. This game is very addictive and has a very high appeal rating. This is by far the best out of the 4 games. The difficulty varies in different ways. Depending on what mode you pick, there will be different rewards, less money, more enemies, and less health.

“Fight The Pimp” is a pretty basic game. It starts off in stages. Stage 1 plays a lot like Boxing by Activision; you have to beat him down and punch him over and over again. You both have health bars and special moves. Watch out for the Pimp’s “Bling Bling Thing” which is when he spins around and swings his gold chains, they do crazy damage. When he stops, you have to come in quick with a left and a right, and then do your Pimp Capper move and uppercut him. Then we move to Stage 2 which is a lot like Bump & Jump. You and The Pimp are racing down a long road, and you have to get him to crash. This is tricky, because he’s quick and will get away from you pretty fast.

If you can manage to nail him in the back half of his car, he will spin out easier and wreck into a tree. Finally, we have the final stage of it, Stage 3, which plays similar to Outlaw. You are on one side, The Pimp on the other. His wrecked pink Cadillac is in the center, and you two shoot at each other. 3 hits for the both of you, so be careful. With each hit, the Pimp will move faster. When you win, the Grames Hos will put on a special show for you.

The last game is pretty funny to play. It is named “Find The Hotel Room Key”. You start out in a hotel lobby and the receptionist tells you that there are beautiful women waiting for you in some of the rooms. There are monsters in the other. After this, the game switched to a screen like Elevator Action and Sword Quest. You find items like keys and maps, and riddles. You also need to remember what rooms have monsters, because, if you walk in on one, you die. It helps to use paper and make a map of the rooms, and using the riddles, mark out the ones you are for sure have monsters. Some rooms will have items too, so look out for those.

Overall, I had a lot of fun playing GramesHos. It’s a very different game, and I am glad I found it at that booth for 5 dollars. I highly reccommend you try it if you can find it. You also need to experience it with the Boob-Trollers that come packed with it if you can find them as well. They make the game a whole lot more fun to play, and plus you can wear them around and feel pretty.

– Dracophile

Taboo-TheSixthSenseU000Game:
Taboo: The Sixth Sense

Developer:
Rare

Genre:
…good question.

Platform:
NES

Released:
1988

Taboo! Like anal sex! Something people don’t talk about a whole lot! I sensed mischief afoot in this game, it’s like a Ouija board minus any and all freakish and/or possibly scary ghost-pissing-off experiences and cheaper than calling Miss Cleo for a fortune. Taboo is another game I have in my infinite collection of vintage gaming that I haven’t gotten around to playing. The reason why? I’m too scared of opening the gates of Hell.

Taboo-TheSixthSenseU001

OFF TO A GREAT START

Yes, I want to “glimpse the future” and yes, I “dare you even ask”. However, I was mistaken as this is supposedly a time machine? I thought this was some sort of random fortune shooting device. Rare’s marketing sucks! Apparently Taboo is now anything you want it to be, kinda of like your 4 years at high school they say. Only, the problem with both of these is one definite detail: No matter what you do in high school or Taboo, one thing stands out, it sucks.

Taboo requires lots of input from you, and frankly it’s annoying. It asks for your name, your birthday, gender, and then some random question; like an internet survey. I assume it’s biased towards the age you put in. I put in my real birthday, and I got all sorts of nice things like Cups and Swords (whatever the hell that means). So, maybe if you said you were 40 instead of 16, it might say something like [i]”YOU’RE FUCKED OLD MAN YOU’LL DIE IN SEVEN DAYS BITCH”[/i] instead of garbled nonsense from fortune cookies.

The shuffling and dealing sequence looks a lot like we’re preparing for a Pokemon card battle. I feel used. I thought I was going to get fortunes, anal sex, time travel, and an answer to my question. Now I get a Pokemon card battle. The fun just don’t end here folks! I can add “Kicking some little kid’s ass in Pokemon” onto my list of wonderful things to anticipate. I hope I get to kick ass after this shuffling animation is over. It’s been about an eternity so far.

Once the cutscene was finally over, I was dispensed a fortune or two:
Taboo-TheSixthSenseU005

Taboo-TheSixthSenseU006

Taboo-TheSixthSenseU007

Game over.

Defining Moment:
Where the fuck is my time travel, fortunes, anal sex, and Pokemon card battle I was promised? What the shit?! I waited forever and all I get is some shitty fortunes! This is a total rip off!

Graphics: 2/10
Skulls are cool, overdoing it is not. Rare’s overuse of skulls made me feel like this game was spawned in a Hot Topic. Suns are cool too, overdoing it is not. I see a pattern here. Seizure inducing backgrounds and animations don’t help much either.

Sound: 1/10
No, I don’t like Twilight Zone-ish music playing the whole time I’m thinking of an important question to ask. To put it shortly, it’s kind of scary. The kind of feeling you get when someone is watching you, at that very moment.

Control: 1/10
When you have to enter 40 strings of code into the game every time you play, precision control and a slow moving letter selector helps a lot. So does a backspace as it’s nonexistent on some parts. Instead, we get a rocket speed letter selector that makes even the best of spellers look like retards. Then again, we’ve seen in the past that Rare is not the best when it comes to entering letters.

Truthiness: 0/10
I feel ripped off. Even though this is a ROM and I got it for free, I know that the mysterious copy I got at Game Crazy was a waste too. They seemed happy to be rid of it, they even gave it to me for free; I bet it’s haunted.

– Dracophile