[Editor’s Note: This article was written as “bonus” content that was formerly hidden inside of the original GatorAIDS’ “Coming Soon” page.]

sonicjam1Game: Sonic Jam

Developer: Sega

Platform: Tiger Game.com

Genre: Platformer

Released: 1998

The Game.com was an interesting (and short lived) handheld game system from the late nineties. The company responsible for creating it was Tiger Electronics, a company you may recall also being responsible for churning out crap like the R-Zone which was a little flip down screen you wore over your eye that projected a shitty LCD game onto it entirely in red in an attempt to imply that it’s VIRTUAL REALITY… you know, since in the nineties we were all hooked on that “future” crap and whatnot.

The Game.com had a lot of interesting features going for it that predated all of its competition. For example, the thing boasted a touch-screen long before the Nintendo DS was around to cash in on that. It also could connect to the Internet before any other handheld could including even the ridiculously overpriced Cybiko; the connection speed was only 14.4 Kb which by today’s standards is professionally defined as “slow as all fuck” but the fact stands that Tiger wasn’t going to dick around with their handheld. Users who purchased the Internet bundle could upload high scores and surf the Web with their Game.com because mercifully at the time the majority of the web was text. Attempting to surf the web on a Game.com today (if your computer even has the proper place to plug it in) will result in you effectively reversing the flow of time. Early models of the Game.com also featured two cartridge slots and allowed players to choose their desired game from the main menu. Future models known as the “Pocket” Game.com only featured one and despite the misnomer “Pocket” the thing was still the size of a brick.

How you can manage to include all of these features before your competition and still manage to fuck everything up is beyond all human comprehension but Tiger Electronics against all odds managed to pull it off and sell a grand total of three Game.com systems. Four were returned.

Sonic Jam is an example of one of the many licenses that Tiger was able to secure for their handheld and then subsequently butcher in an array of colorful ways. Upon starting the game up you’re greeted by the Game.com’s ability to have only one sound channel (two half-assed ones add up to one whole) as the Sonic Jam title screen clips into view. For those who aren’t up to par with their Sonic the Hedgehog trivia Sonic Jam was a Sega Saturn title that included Sonic 2, Sonic 3, and Sonic & Knuckles from the Sega Genesis system. How they could manage to fit all three games onto a tiny cartridge sounds crazy but once you start the game up you’ll discover how they figured it out. They could make a triangle out of a dodecagon with the number of corners they cut with this port.

sonicjam2

Something’s not right here…

There’s a simple game selection screen that lets you choose your game where the developers were nice enough to include a little cartridge picture of each title although for Sonic 2 and 3 “GENESIS” is replaced with “GAME.COM” and “TIGER”, reminding you that this is indeed not a Sega Nomad and that you are about to sink your teeth into some really nasty bile. Since Sonic & Knuckles‘ cartridge was shaped funny rather than spend the extra five minutes to draw it for the compilation the Sonic Jam team decided that putting a black box with “SONIC & KNUCKLES” on it would suffice. It did.

For old time’s sake I selected Sonic 3 and instead of an emulation of the Genesis title playing it skips straight to the character select screen (Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles each with bizarre 3D-ish concept art as their pictures). I chose Sonic since he’s kind of the star of the games and rather than being able to watch the Angel Island opening where Knuckles takes all of the Chaos Emeralds it just throws you straight into the game without any titlecards or any inclination as to what the hell is going on. I’m assuming the level they throw you into is Angel Island only because I know that’s the first level in Sonic 3 for the Genesis. In this bizarro mirror-land incarnation of this could be Wild Wacky Cowboy Zone for all I know. Right from the start I can tell that the level design is completely off and the game plays more like a Game Gear title than anything from the Genesis. Moving and jumping is clunky and largely unresponsive and trying to move around on the screen just seems like it takes forever, which brings us to another problem altogether.

sonicjam5

BLAST PROCESSING

Once you move the bigger problem becomes apparent. Sonic the Hedgehog is known for speed; for Christ’s sake Sega even coined a bogus marketing term (BLAST PROCESSING) to promote the raw seizure-inducing speed that Sonic was tearing ass through his Genesis titles with. On the Game.com Sonic feels like he just power walks to wherever the hell he is trying to go. The Game.com is also blessed with having a screen that has a refresh rate of about a frame and a half every eight minutes which is fine if you’re playing something that requires no movement like Scrabble, but in this case it reduces all of Sonic’s speed down to a monochrome blur of gray and staticky-sounding effects. If you manage to get to the end of the first Angel Island level you’ll be greeted with something resembling the hollow tree that you run up in a spiral fashion, which apparently wasn’t programmed properly in this game and does nothing. Did anybody ever fucking playtest this game before release? Nobody could be assed to even test the first goddamned level?

I changed characters to Tails so I could properly play and review this abomination of software seeing as how he’s the only character capable of upward flight and thus able to get through the tree. Taking it upon myself to simply skip the levels by flying over everything I discovered that you can pretty much fly through the “roof” of the game and then spindash across the entire level and skip everything. That aside I believe this incarnation of Sonic Jam is the first time that a series has featured four acts in a zone. I’m well aware that the Sega Genesis version of Sonic 3 only had two acts but hey I guess nobody told the developers that. It’s impossible to tell just what storyline these games are following because while you’re tearing ass through Emerald Hill Zone in Sonic 2 you end up fighting the Chemical Plant Zone’s boss. After playing through a handful of zones all with the same music and seemingly random sets of enemies and out of place bosses it becomes crystal clear that nobody knew what in the fuck was going on with this game and rather than porting the titles to the Game.com they just wrote things on notecards and threw darts at them to draw conclusions on how to port their games.

The special stage level is a fucking joke. They somehow thought it would be a smart move to put the Blue Sphere special stage into this game. A better idea would have been to figure the fuck out how to translate a two dimensional game to the Game.com before thinking that stepping it up to 3D would be a smart move. Rather than getting colored spheres the game says to get “black” ones and before you have a chance to actually figure out what in the hell is going on the special stage takes off at a speed unmatched by anything else in the game thus far.

sonicjam4

Collision detection: Stellar.

The problem with Sonic Jam is the Game.com is simply just not capable of processing something with the speed and detail demanded by a fast-action platformer so to combat this Sonic Jam was dumbed down as far as possible without becoming Pong and it still was not enough. Programming oversights lead to your character falling through loops, not interacting with level objects, and being able to skip entire fucking levels by flying straight up. Sonic Jam was one of the first of many skid marks on the Sonic franchise’s reputation and is so laughably bad that not even hardcore furries will find something positive about this title.

Defining Moment:
The soundtrack (or lack thereof).

Graphics: If you actually quit moving around for a second, adjust the contrast knob on the Game.com, and look at the sprites you’ll notice that they actually did a passable job of porting graphics and images from the compilation’s Genesis titles. Graphics are supposed to look nice all the time however, they aren’t supposed to reenact Will It Blend the second you take a step in any direction. 8/10

Sound: What little sound there is for this game is god awful. It really defies description because you can’t really call it sound or music to begin with. To further make my point here is a recording of the game’s only music track. It starts out as the “theme song” and then simply changes pitch or one or two notes depending on your level. It doesn’t speed up when you get the Speed Shoes, there is no Invincibility track, and there is no Level Clear track; just this… over and over again. 0/10

Control: The Genesis titles that comprise this compilation (or rather, the shriveled husks of those games) were games that required effective but manageable controls for each of the characters’ special abilities and also for the player to be able to keep up with going through loops and flips in each level. Everything in Sonic Jam is unresponsive from Tails’ ability to fly to Knuckles’ ability to glide and climb walls. The Game.com boasts four buttons for their games but I have yet to come across anything that required all of them and for a handheld that had a touch-screen it doesn’t do a damn thing in any of these Sonic games, not even on the menu. 1/10

Replay Value: Technically upon playing the first title in the compilation there should at least be the urge for two more playthroughs, one each for the remaining two. No. There’s no reason to subject oneself to the pain of attempting to play the other two titles because literally once you have played one of them you’ve played them all seeing as how they all look the same, sound the same, and are all equally as unplayable as the last not to mention likely non-canon in the storyline to diehard Sonic the Hedgehog masturbationists fans. 1/10

Overall: The only serious reason I could see someone buying a copy of this game is if they’re a collector of video game merchandise and in that respect there are only two kinds of people who will buy this game. On one hand we have the yiff addicts who will purchase any and everything with Sonic’s mug on it and on the other hand we have collectors who are attempting to collect games for a Game.com. May God have mercy on their souls. Sonic Jam is a vortex of pure blackened shit that sucks the fun out of anything within twenty feet of it. 1/10

– Dracophile

(Note: There is no emulation support for the Game.com so these screenshots are courtesy of Brian Provinciano. His capturing device produces clear images, whilst playing titles on the actual handheld looks infinitely worse. You can visit his website at www.bripro.com.)

austinpowers-coverGame:
Austin Powers – Oh, Behave!

Developer:
Rockstar Games / Tarantula Studios

Genre:
Windows 98 Sim

Platform:
Game Boy Color

Released:
2000

When people mention Rockstar Games normally the first thing you think of is a vast open environment where you can steal cars, shoot black people, sell drugs, steal cars, and shoot more black people while selling drugs at the same time. Grand Theft Auto may have been a huge milestone in gaming history but before Rockstar Games was insanely popular and notorious, they were producing shit like this. Austin Powers – Oh, Behave obviously is a title that is tied-in with the popular series of Mike Myers movies and what better way to translate them into a game than to make a Game Boy Color title that is essentially a dumbed down version of Windows 98. I wish I was lying to you, I really, really do. This game is nothing more than a watered down parody of Windows 98 and — no surprise — it has about the same amount of functionality.

apob-image1

SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE I’M NOT HAVING FUN ANYMORE

Upon starting up the game you meet quite possibly the most boring, uninspired, and annoying introduction in video game history. “FAB-DOS]” is obviously a parody of MS-DOS and this boot up sequence is supposed to be funny or cute or something, but all I get out of it is a stream of clicking noises for each letter on the screen and Austin Powers screaming “YEAH BABY” with innuendo jokes every time the game “loads” a new function. The entire ordeal is painful at best, and it just will not fucking stop going on and on.

After FAB-DOS takes its jolly ol’ fucking time starting up (I guess it really is like Windows 98) you finally get to “play” the “game”. In this case “play” loosely translates to “enter a bunch of stupid fucking information while Austin Powers makes the same fucking jokes over and over again”. After you enter all your important agent information Austin briefs you on your mission: defeat Dr. Evil. How you do this using a shitty Windows emulator is beyond me, but at least you can actually do something with the game now.

Believe it or not for such a shitty game there’s a lot to cover so I’ll just go right down the menu in order that all of this crap appears. First things first, you get a cursor that you move with the directional pad; A is to click, and B turns on the screen saver. The little folder with the dice next to it is labeled “GAMES”, hopefully its contents are self-explanatory. Just like a real computer you have to click it twice to open it. Your “games” are as follows:

apob-image16

NONE OF THIS IS REAL THIS IS NOT HAPPENING

Rock, Paper, Scissors: Rock paper scissors. ROCK PAPER FUCKING SCISSORS.

Mojo Maze: Hey have you ever played that one game before? Oh darn, what was it called? Oh wait I remember now. PAC-MAN? Have you ever played Pac-Man? Have you ever wanted to play a fucking marathon of Pac-Man starring Austin Powers? No? I don’t blame you.

Domination: You’d think with a name like “Domination” you’d be playing something that was at least remotely engaging. Instead it’s just a port of the board game Othello. So far we’ve got three games that are just shoddy ports and rip offs of existing games. Three strikes, you’re out, right? Wrong.

If you drag that little male symbol you’ll reveal one final game.

Platform Game: At least it’s not another stupid board game or old classic that’s been done and redone a million times. Whoever does the graphics for this game really needs to keep a uniform design or at least some kind of quality control because not only does Austin Powers look pregnant, he has an overbite so fucking huge that he gives the PBS logo a run for its money. In this platform game you jump around and shoot at enemies while collecting items scattered around the level. Instead of fighting Dr. Evil’s minions you get to shoot at spinning road cones, trash cans, and soccer balls.

apob-image22

NO THIS IS NOT A THING THIS DOES NOT EXIST

Once you’ve tortured yourself with this title’s sorry excuse for “games” you’re pretty much done unless you have the irrepressible urge to fuck with the game’s settings and appearance. The folder under the games is called “GROOVY STUFF” and contains the following options:

Sounds: You can change the sounds that play when you do certain stuff in the Windows screens like minimizing and closing stuff. If you’ve ever wanted to hear “DO I MAKE YOUR RANDY BABY YEAH” when you click your mouse, this is most definitely where you want to be.

Cursors: If you can’t guess what this function does somehow I don’t think RFSHQ is the right place for you.

Color Scheme: This screen lets you change the four-color palette that makes up the bottom menu bar. The color choices can best be described as the mess you make when you decide to mix all of the little watercolor wafers into one color.

Screen Saver: If you’re actually playing this long enough to need a screen saver then I am truly worried about your overall well being and demeanor. There are two kinds of screen savers here, a bouncing logo, or an animated picture that looks like a stupid Livejournal avatar.

apob-image23

WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON WHAT IT THIS

After you’re done wasting your life changing some menial settings that you’ll probably only notice once or twice you can then check out all of the programs listed, of course, in the “PROGRAMS” folder.

Austin’s Pad: Think of it like a multiplayer Notepad but instead of using a keyboard you’re inputting messages using the D-Pad. Sheer pain.

Internet: No, you can’t connect to the Internet using this game. Clicking the icon will play a fake modem dialing sound and take you to some interactive text boxes where you can read about the movies and characters in them. The game takes special care to use fake URL’s that end in .HTM, but of course the developers couldn’t help but lend a helping hand to the Somerset Hills Hotel by making Dr. Evil say “WWW.SHH.COM” every five seconds in the Domination game.

Shagulator: How else can you make a calculator appealing? Make a sex joke out of it. I hear if you look at “58008” upside down it spells out “BOOBS”. YEAH BABY SHAGADELIC.

Trading: This doesn’t do anything unless you have a friend with this game and a Link Cable as well. If you somehow persuaded your friend into buying this game then you’re a horrible person.

Sample Player: Taking up extra space on the cartridge is a plethora of barely audible and static-ridden sound bits and quotes from the movie. This is also just another list of the same sounds that randomly play when you do stuff in the game.

Statistics: If you’ve ever wanted to know how many times you lost at Rock Paper Scissors then here’s your Hall of Shame.

Movie Clip: This is without a doubt one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen, and sadly this is probably the best feature that this Windows wannabe has to offer. The developers coded a series of short clips from the actual movies into the game and placed some quotes and sounds from the movie over them. For the most part they don’t match and are off by a few seconds but nonetheless I commend them for their efforts… and then want to punch them in the throat for laying the groundwork for all of those worthless Game Boy Advance titles that contain Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh episodes.

apob-image24

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLEASE HELP ME

Finally, the last folder (hidden underneath everything else) is the “GADGETS” folder adorned with a little wrench.

FAB-DOS: If you really hate yourself and want to relive the opening sequence then I dare you to click this.

Analyzer: This is a fake Anti-Virus system that doesn’t do a damn thing.

Format: If you’d like to erase any traces of you tarnishing your good name playing this game, clicking the nuclear explosion will cure all of your life’s ailments.

apob-image26

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE THIS END

While this covers all of the folders, believe it or not there is still more crap crammed into this game. Clicking the little blue “MOJO” button will let you fiddle with the desktop and pick through desktops ranging from the dull and boringthe incredibly bizarre, and of course the downright fucking scary. But wait, there’s more. Clicking the little male icon at the bottom left (what I believe is the “Start Menu“) will bring up a complete list of programs (so you don’t have to navigate through the bright colored menus), the ability to kill that annoying boot sequence (or to play it again), and finally Shutdown. Yes, you have to shut the game down just like a real computer. But of course, if you’re like me you don’t give a shit either way, and if for some reason you actually wanted to play this a second time after improperly shutting it down, the game will let you know that you’re an asshole and it will bitch at you while fixing fake errors.

I understand the novelty of jokingly imitating the wonderfully stable Windows 98, but when you go as far as to bitch about improper shutdowns you aren’t just taking a step too far, you’re taking a fucking leap.

Dracophile’s Final Words:
Graphics: The game is full of colors so if you’re four years old it will probably keep you entertained. When it comes to actual graphics though it’s painfully obvious there were several different designers involved because Austin Powers can go from a pale faced pregnant redneck in one game to a Hispanic looking swinger with a black afro in another.

Controls: The only thing this game has going for it is that it “feels” like you’re really using a crappy version of Windows. Perhaps they were intending to make the first PDA that primarily doubles as a paperweight.

Music: If you like grainy sound bites and strange combinations of bent notes and hanging beeps then you’ll love this game!

Replay Value: I’d rather be using Windows ME.

Overall: If you want a perfect shining example of what not to do when converting a movie into a crappy game based off of an even crappier operating system then I highly suggest you buy this game. If you spend any more than a dollar on it you’re being ripped off. Yes, I’m looking at you, GameStop.

– Dracophile

robotwarsmm-coverGame:
Robot Wars: Metal Mayhem

Developer:
Tiertex Design Studios

Genre:
Robot Combat Sim

Platform:
Game Boy Color

Released:
2000

Earlier this decade and towards the end of the 1990’s the “sport” of robot combat was on the rise. The United States had BattleBots, and England had Robot Wars. While both shows had their flaws (BattleBots had excessive amounts of Carmen Electra’s tits and Robot Wars was completely rigged), they also had their games complete with gratuitous flaws as well. Robot Wars saw many more releases than BattleBots, which only managed a meager Game Boy Advance game and a cancelled console title, but at the same time Robot Wars has nothing to brag about either. This Game Boy Color game is absolutely horrible and if you wanted to be a dick about it you can blame the fall of robot combat on this very game.

Upon starting up the game you’re greeted with a nice Game Boy conversion of the Robot Wars theme, along with some seemingly random three dimensional animated model of a robot frame which actually looked like it took some effort to make. Immediately following this fine piece of programming art is a title screen that looks like it was made in five minutes with MS Paint. No, that’s not sarcasm, the rendered robot model is easily the best part of this game; it only gets worse from here.

At the main menu you’ll see a few options, the first of which, “Robot Workshop”, will let you build a robot. Your choices are extremely limited in terms of what you can pick. You’ve got some prefabricated chassis designs, motors, reductions, and weapons. After you pick from this great assortment of crap you can name your robot and use it in a number of events. There are more events to choose from than there are options available for your robot, and they are just as bad as the cheesy robot features.

robotwarsmm-image9

Sure, this is Robot Wars. I guess.

Before I mention any kind of gameplay at all, I must mention the controls. Whoever the asshole is that programmed these I’d like to stick them in the face. Driving your robot is literally impossible because as you try to make a left turn your robot will have a seizure and turn/warp in every possible direction. Either it is turning way too fast for the Game Boy to keep up with or whoever was in charge of this part of the game was a total retard and I’m betting it’s the latter. Aside from not being able to make a left turn the rest of the controls “work”. Using weapons is pretty lame since they never hit and when they do it sounds like either someone is opening up shaken cans of soda or Stephen Hawking taking a dump, either way it’s nothing but static and buzzes. From when you turn on the game to when you put a bullet in your head to end it all, the digitized version of the Robot Wars television theme will be set on repeat. Yes, that’s right, it will play the same ten fucking seconds of music when you’re navigating menus, making a robot, or fighting.

The game offers a handful of modes to play in. Choosing the “Trials” category from the main menu will bring up several events to play in. The first is “Skittles”, and despite what the name sounds like, no, it’s not the candy that makes rainbows erupt out of your stomach. In Skittles, your objective is to run into barrels… and that’s it. Compounded with impossible controls, chances are you won’t knock them all down in the time limit provided. The next event is “Sumo”, which, as it implies, is a sumo pushing event between two robots. All you have to do is shove them off the side of the arena, but as you’ll soon find out, that is no easy task because your robot graphic tends to just ride up next to your opponent and get stuck. You can press whatever button you want (even the magic left turn button) but you’ll be going nowhere and your opponent will have his way with you every single time. Next up is “Slalom”, which is self explanatory, and with controls from Hell itself, you can pretty much guess how fun this mode is.

robotwarsmm-image15

This bot might look rad, but we’ll get back to him in just a bit.

The final event in the “Trials” category is the “Gauntlet” which is listed last and by its description is easily the single most hardcore robot event in the history of hardcore robot events. If you’ve been paying attention this whole time then you’d know that the Gauntlet is probably going to be less hardcore than two old men playing shuffleboard. Upon starting the event you are plunged into a blue arena littered with every hazard in the game, and all of the house robots… who can’t seem to get up over a little bump in the floor. Once you get past the house robots (which is pretty easy, just drive straight) it’s just a matter of using the tedious controls to get by a few thousand pneumatic spikes and pits only to be raped by Sir Killalot when it’s all said and done.

If you’re done playing around in the sleep-inducing rounds of “Trials” then you can finally try out some robot combat action that doesn’t involve running into barrels or staying between the lines. Combat, at best, can be described as two people in wheelchairs hitting each other; very slow, very pathetic, and devoid of any kind of action whatsoever. I could have sworn I gave WORSTBOTEVER a flipping arm, but instead it appears that its weapon has been reduced to a yellow penis that fires out from the front of the robot. Fighting your opponent with your selected weapon is virtually impossible because no matter how hard to try to hit your opponent, your weapon will just clip through him and do zero damage. If by some crazy chance you do land a hit it will do a very negligible amount of damage. If you’re trying to win (heh) then your best bet is to just stuff your enemy into the fire pit or into one of the house robots. If by some chance you are able to beat your opponent, he will violently burst into flames like something out of a Stephen King movie and you will be rewarded with what looks like a condom wrapper nailed to a saw blade with your name on it.

robotwarsmm-trophy

Congratu-fucking-lations.

Among the robots available for you to play as or fight against include the ferocious Milly Ann Bug and Diotor who, thanks to the graphical limitations of the Game Boy Color, has either some kind of spinning piece of wood or just a regular piece of wood as a weapon. Also available is the menacing looking “Crasha Gnasha” (see above), but when he’s translated into sprites he turns into a purple stick that loses the saw blade and instead adopts a wire flail as a weapon that does a whole lot of nothing. Rather than display a nice little pre-rendered picture for your custom robots the game just throws up a nasty looking wireframe with your robot’s name on it. With the staggering number of options available for your design (four) you’d think they could just make that many pictures, but no, that would be too convenient.

When it comes to combat, “Grudge Match” is a quick battle where you pick the opponents, and “War Zone” is an onslaught of random opponents. If you manage to beat them all you’d think maybe the game would give you something cool like an unlockable chassis or a new weapon. Nope, you get nothing. It just replays the little opening 3D robot scene along with the title screen. Any way you cut it, you lose.

Dracophile’s Final Words:
Graphics: You can’t help but laugh at some of these graphics and how they transferred robots into the game. Apparently, somewhere along the line Dead Metal ditched his armor and instead went for a bright fucking pink Barbie Jeep paint job instead.

Controls: Unlike NASCAR, Robot Wars: Metal Mayhem is completely devoid of left turns unless you plan on losing control.

Music: If there were more than two tracks of music in this game maybe I’d have something to rate, instead I get to berate the Robot Wars theme and a bunch of patches of static for sound effects.

Replay Value: If I was locked in a room with only a Game Boy and this game I think I’d rather attempt to eat the Game Boy instead of putting myself through this again.

Overall: Some people claim that robot combat died out because parts such as E-Tek motors cost a few hundred fucking dollars and not everyone has disposable incomes or works for Hollywood movie studios making animatronics but in reality the sport died out because of shit like this. The Robot Wars television show is rigged because of their overpowered house robots. This game is rigged because there are so many glitches and flaws it’s impossible to win. Cease.

– Dracophile

nes-kidicarusboxGame:
Kid Icarus

Developer:
Nintendo

Genre:
Platformer

Platform:
NES

Released:
1986

There are bad games, and then there is Kid Icarus. Normally whenever a horrible game pops up on RFSHQ it’s created by some unknown one “hit” wonder company that tanked shortly after their dreams were crushed by their own lack of programming finesse. The game on the cutting block today, to my surprise, is a title created by Nintendo itself, hailed as the game company of all game companies. However regardless of what mindless Nintendo fans say, Kid Icarus stands as a testament to the claim that it is impossible to make a perfect run and produce hit after hit. Sloppy controls, unforgiving difficulty, annoying music, and poor collision detection make this title one of the worst that Nintendo has ever produced. The storyline of the game is basic. You play the role of Pit, a young angel who is battling his way out of the Underworld against the evil goddess Medusa. Armed with only a bow and the ability to jump and walk like a hammered seven year old, Pit begins his quest at what I assume is the bottom of Hell to work his way up. Your mission is clear cut and there are items along the way to help you out; the problem is that most of these items don’t do a damn thing and are extremely overpriced at the various “shops” located around the levels.

nes-kidicarus

Looks simple enough, right?

The first thing you are going to encounter in Kid Icarus are the controls, which are essentially nonexistent. Trying to get Pit to keep in control is nearly impossible. If you are moving when you jump, Pit will take an extra step when he lands and more than likely fall off the screen and die. Yes, if you fall to the bottom of the screen you are dead. You don’t fall down to the beginning of the level or to a platform off screen, no, you die. Hell literally crumbles away beneath you as you fire your arrows of light directly into the groin of Satan himself. This would not be too much of a problem if the game actually had what we like to call “platforms”. Some screens actually have a floor you can walk on, but most of your journey will be spent jumping from block to block trying to keep Pit from falling all while snakes rain from platforms not on the screen yet and flying one eyed monsters with noclip enabled charge at you. The icing on the cake though is when you try to jump a gap and hit your head on the roof above you. Your character loses any form of inertia he had going for him and falls straight fucking down.

kidicarus-image13

NOTHING BULLSHIT ABOUT THIS NOPE NOT AT ALL

The enemies in this game are insane and over the top. Most of them come in groups of four but they are completely unpredictable and appear at random. You can move through the level twice at the same speed and encounter five times as many enemies compared to your first run. Most of them die in one hit but since your arrows only shoot about an inch in front of you most of your combat will be in close quarters. Snakes run rampant in Hell and cover the platforms in a veil of wriggling purple scales and googly eyes, octopi and other tentacle creatures fly through walls from the top and bottom of the screen, and the Grim Reaper even shows up and goes completely apeshit when he sees you. When he does, miniature Grim Reapers fly down and start to pester the shit out of you. Because of this, at one point in time there were so many enemies on the screen at once that the game literally slowed down to a crawl and Pit of course got his ass handed to him. There are also fire enemies that show up at random right underneath your feet and fire bullets that of course go through walls, so you need to constantly move or else something is going to kick your ass. At one point you will encounter spiky plants that run along the walls that supposedly hurt you, but damage is done at random. Sometimes you can walk directly into a plant and it won’t do anything, but other times you can clip it with your foot and you’re dead, and best of all you can’t shoot the damn things.

Your health meter is noted by a small red block that I have yet to figure out how to increase. You die in about five hits which come incredibly fast thanks to the never ending stream of snakes, tentacle monsters, and other phallic objects. There are doorways that are placed in each level that can take you to one of many kinds of rooms and get you away from enemies. Most of them are traps and take you into a room where faces come out and beat the shit out of you, but some of them also take you to worthless shops that sell overpriced items that you obviously can’t afford unless you spend an hour killing snakes. When you kill enemies they drop hearts, but these hearts don’t refill your health, they are money. Yes, you pay for worthless items with hearts just like another shitty game I reviewed in 2004. Some doorways also take you to “bonus rounds” which consist of a bunch of “?” jars that cost five hearts to shoot. You shoot as many as you want until you hit the Grim Reaper jar, which costs you the game. The minigame plays just like something out of The Price is Right, and sadly is the highlight of Kid Icarus. And to top it all off, one room contains Jesus Christ himself. Depending on how pissed off he is at Mel Gibson he will either give you an item or pelt you with bricks and then give you an item.

nes-kidicarus2

Five fucking Grim Reapers.

Perhaps I’m in the wrong here for calling out Kid Icarus as one of the worst, if not the worst, games I have ever played but the only kind of people who could possibly enjoy this game are the ones who shove salt coated nails into their balls for sexual pleasure and get off to suicide videos because playing this game is just sheer immeasurable pain. For some reason, and I don’t know why, this title has made it into several “Top 100 Games of All Time” articles in various magazines; but wait, let’s back this up a bit. Kid Icarus is in Nintendo Power’s Top 200 games (Issue 199). NINTENDO POWER. Strictly Nintendo, and of course they’re going to put their own games into their own “best games ever” list, so they are out of the picture. In 2003, IGN.com gave Kid Icarus slot #83 in their Top 100 but anyone willing to wade through IGN’s five thousand ads within ads within ads doesn’t have a very educated opinion anyways so we can throw IGN out as well. This just leaves the cesspool of Nintendo fanboys throwing 10/10’s out on GameFAQs, and frankly, fuck them and their mob mentality. Kid Icarus is a piece of shit game and rightfully deserves a #1 on all “worst games ever” lists. Rot in Hell, Pit.

Dracophile’s Final Words:
Graphics: You will encounter brown rocks, purple bricks, red lava, blue pillars, orange monsters, yellow sand, and white arrows. The colors of the rainbow will vomit in your face like a bulimic eating Skittles while riding the Tilt-O-Whirl.

Controls: Take the physics of driving on ice with flat tires and combine it with an 8-bit angel jumping around like a lunatic.

Music: Picture some music from Metroid on the NES. Now increase the pitch and add in some more buzzing and maybe a couple of beeps. There you go, and sorry for the migraine.

Replay Value: An uninspired and bland environment won’t keep you interested for long. You’ll play with a Slinky or Rubik’s Cube longer than Kid Icarus.

Overall: Kid Icarus is a less-than-bad game and giving it a zero out of ten just won’t do it justice. It truly is a chunk of coal in a pile of gem stones and its true pain can only truly be experienced by playing it yourself.

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

nanoquesttitleGame:
NanoQuest

Developer:
Can Do Interactive / Fable Multimedia

Genre:
Edutainment

Platform:
PC

Released:
2006

Games created for educational purposes are a common occurrence and a cheap ploy to get students to “learn” the school’s curriculum. Games that revolve around adding, subtracting, reading, and other basic school principles are frequently put into production, but NanoQuest stands out as a game that attempts to teach players a little bit about nanotechnology and other scientific fields of study. NanoQuest is thinly veiled under the selling point of “aimed at the Playstation generation”, which is believable because the game looks and plays like an unlicensed (and rejected) Playstation One title.

NanoQuest1

This is gonna be one of THOSE days.

As you are introduced into the world of NanoQuest (Ireland) you are greeted by Professor D’Arcy who apparently loves to help mankind but hates pudding at the same time. Joining her are our two completely inept “heroes”, Jack and Orla, one of whom is thrilled to be using the Atomic Force Microscope, and the other whose facial expressions hint they couldn’t give a shit either way. After some dialogue about the quantum shrinking device you can choose your player who opts to stay behind when Professor D’Arcy offers coffee. Just like in every science fiction movie ever, your character is a complete idiot and ignores everything the Professor said about the shrinking machine and walks into the chamber to have a look around. Your character is oblivious to the fact that the antagonist Doctor Jurgen O’Kelly (who tortures small animals *gasp*)has other plans which involve taking digital pictures of papers and locking you in the shrinking chamber (and subsequently shrinking you down to “nanosize”, which I can only assume is the new increment in french fry size on the McDonald’s menu).

Nobody seems to mention why Doctor O’Kelly wants to shrink things, possibly to compensate for something, but other than that no evidence or plot is provided. O’Kelly either really fucking hates you; or you just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time when O’Kelly planned on dicking around with the quantum scaling machine. Either way, once your character enters the realm of shitty Windows desktops you are greeted by the “nanoworld”; it’s just like this world except, as the game’s tagline mentions, really small. In today’s “Playstation generation” obviously the first thing to do when shrunk is use your cell phone to call your friends and take pictures for them to put on MySpace, which is exactly what happens. The cinematics end once you enter this new world full of rainbow colors and hamster balls intent on killing you, and you are finally given control of your player.

NanoQuest3

Someone thought this was a good idea.

Your mission is to collect pieces to build a “nanocar” and send them to your partner so he can build it for you. I’m beginning to assume that “nano” is the new “cool Internet prefix” like “i” and “e-“. If the game wasn’t already unfolding to be a monstrous piece of edu-crap it will be the second you try to move. Instead of keeping up with the animation your character simply glides along and gradually builds up speed. Trying to jump from platform to platform will prove difficult as you can perform two jumps: a crappy short jump that essentially moves you nowhere, or an exact duplicate of the Six Million Dollar Man jump that will send you hurtling through nanoworld. If for some reason you decide to fall off the level you won’t die, you just get thirty seconds added onto your total time as a penalty. That’s right; you can’t kill yourself even if you tried. Throughout the entire game you’re plagued by techno music loops that resemble remixes of music you hear in department stores. Once you collect your “buckyballs” and “nanowires” the level is over and you get to play as the other character in the “educational” part of the game – walking through the laboratory passing up a plethora of stupid “nanofacts” and even an entire museum full of, you guessed it, more nanofacts. When you get to the lab you enter the next level which lays out everything onto the Atomic Force Microscope. I don’t know how accurate this game is but since it’s educational I’m hoping for the best. According to NanoQuest, the atomic microscope is made up of entirely the same hexagonal crap as the nanoworld environment, and the needle that moves parts around is a GIANT TRANSPARENT PYRAMID which ends up getting in your way.

nanoquest-pyramid

ILLUMINATI CONSPIRACY

Once the car parts have been pushed into their defined places on the pattern you switch characters and get to drive the junker you just assembled without any form of propulsion whatsoever. They managed to include a clearly visible safety harness, but no engine. If this game is so educational how the fuck are you able to drive a car on a flat surface without any force? I suppose those questions are going to be answered in the follow-up hit game “InternalCombustionEngineQuest – It’s a loud world”. Driving the car is insanely hard as you will slide all over the place and be chased by more possessed hamster balls. Periodically trains will drive by and shake the environment. They never mention what a “train” is, but I can only assume they mean “steam engine”, and if so, why the hell am I not riding that to the warp?

Once you race to the finish you are supposedly “out” of nanoworld and you begin to grow to normal size. However nobody seems to notice that O’Kelly is still in the room fucking with everything so he walks up to the 6-way power strip and literally unplugs the shrink machine. A giant chamber capable of changing the physical properties of matter is also capable of running off of 110 volts of AC current and can simply be unplugged effectively trashing your plans of returning to normality. This brings us to the final level, inside the computer which is now overheating thanks to O’Kelly’s fetish for completely shitting on your life. Parts of the supercomputer overheat themselves over and over again, so I can only assume that at the core of this quantum scaling machine lays an Xbox 360. To restore working order you have to jump around and collect power cubes cleverly disguised as children’s blocks. You’ll incur many time penalties thanks to the wonderful jumping physics, and when you finally do make the jumps you will be demolished by sliding color bars of death, laser beams, and of course pathways that resemble penises.

NanoQuest2

No, really.

Collecting all of the power cubes will fix the computer and let you finally return to your normal size and also grants your character the ability to be unintentionally seductive. I had a picture here at one point, but I lost it. When all’s said and done the cutscene moves to Doctor O’Kelly who is seen standing in the middle of nowhere surrounded by darkness. A car pulls up and there is a quick exchange of briefcases and hand shakes. Yes, some shady crime lord paid Doctor O’Kelly a huge sum of money to unplug one machine while hiding in the corner. It’s a small world indeed.

Dracophile’s Final Words:
Graphics: Created to please kids who grew up in the era of the Playstation, Can Do Interactive and Fable Multimedia did a great job completely missing the target and creating what appears to be an environment made entirely out of code from Atari Jaguar diagnostic cartridges.

Controls: NanoQuest‘s controls would be great if the game was reworked into “JumpThroughFieldsQuest” but unfortunately it isn’t and the level design demands tight controls which sadly are just not present. Thanks to a combination of moon gravity and superhuman strength you will spend a lot of time overshooting your jumps.

Music: NanoQuest tries too hard to match the feel of that space-age genre of techno music seen in many space shooter and adventure games. What the developers came up with instead was a choice selection of the most uninspired music ever displayed in a PC video game.

Replay Value: At one point in time the developers offered a trip to Paris to the person who could get the highest score possible in NanoQuest as well as in an attempt to phase out the use of the “i” prefix iPod Nanos (irony alert) were given away as prizes too. If you have to offer lavish gifts to get someone to play your game, then you failed at making it fun.

Overall: NanoQuest gets credit for attempting to appeal to science teachers, but aside from the museum “level” this game has no educational value unless you’re supposed to be teaching either patience or how not to design a game. Come to think of it, this entire production is comparable to the demos seen in commercials for Devry University’s game design class.

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

RFSHQ_noimageGame:
Waddles

Developer:
Flash Penguins

Genre:
MMORPG (minus both M’s, the O, the R, the P, and the G)

Platform:
PC

Released:
2007

So, you’re an aspiring young game designer. Your weapon of choice: GameMaker. So what do you do? A remake? Perhaps something new and original? No. The best answer is a terrible single player version of a mediocre money sink! At least that’s what the idea is if you’re Rod Rego, creator of the alleged game Waddles.

Getting started is simple enough. Follow the string of no fewer than five “DOWNLOAD WADDLES” links from the Flash Penguins website and open the EXE file! Once the viruses and porn advertisements are installed, you’ll get to enter your name. The opening screen greets you with some crappy upbeat music which loops poorly and likes to cut out. This should have been a warning sign.

RFSHQ_noimage

Here I start maturely and pick the most masculine name I can think of. Waddles graphics are surprisingly high quality, as in not MS Paint. This means that Rod Rego probably didn’t make them. The game features many (eight) ways to customize your penguin. Three hats, two colors, and the option to wear a shirt or a paper bag. The fun never ends! The so-called game also features the Coins system of Club Penguin, however there are only two things to buy, and they don’t seem to cost anything. This bring us to the methods of making the money, even though the 200 you start with is more than enough. There are exactly two games: First, click seagulls as they fly by. This is like a really awful version of Duck Hunt in which there’s no dog, you can’t miss, and there are infinite bullets and ducks. The second is far more boring but the premise is a little unsettling. This time you rapidly click a tree until a log flashes in the window for one second and you’re given fifty coins. Then it stops working. Excitement! Lets move on.

Perhaps its worth mentioning the controls. While its possible to move your penguin about, its completely unnecessary as you can just click the things around you. In fact, there only three instances the player is ever required to touch the arrow keys and that’s to enter the movie theater, the horrors of which must be discussed, the cafe you start in, and the world’s loneliest dance club. The theater has more content than the rest of the game, and it only contains a fan-made commercial for Club Penguin. Too bad that doesn’t work properly either.

The commercial is an external WMV file that GameMaker, the source coding of Waddles, has extreme difficulty streaming. The audio skips like mad and the default style Windows Movie Maker text inserts don’t help. It assaults every sense, even somehow causing a foul stench to arise from depths unknown. It’s about two minutes long, but you’ll regret watching it ten seconds in. The picture is compressed so badly that trying to identify what exactly that orange blob you’re looking at is doing is impossible. Words cannot describe how horrendous this movie is, but the credits sequence is almost as long as the commercial itself. Some of the in-game text is mostly visible and the first scene is a bunch of blobs standing around doing nothing with the text bubble “This game is fun!” above them. Oh, for that to be true.

This was supposed to be a game review but that would require a game instead of a ten minute long Powerpoint presentation. Ten minutes is stretching it though, it takes less than a minute to explore each of the games locations and less than a second to become bored with them. How this took longer than twenty minutes of time in GameMaker is anyones guess. Interestingly, the credits to the game contain around twenty beta testers which is odd considering it should be impossible for a pre-alpha game to have a beta. Another thing, attempting to launch the game a second time resulted in an error which crashes the game. This probably got missed because there’s no reason to ever play it again. In the end Waddles is less fun than your average four-function calculator and should be avoided at all costs.

kraZy’s Final Words:
Graphics: Not horrible, I guess.

Controls: CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK

Gameplay: What gameplay? Nothing happened.

Replay Value: It wouldn’t launch a second time, so my computer knows more than me.

Overall: This space intentionally left blank.

– kraZy

Hacking is some serious stuff in Club Penguin. People get banned left and right for trying to dodge the system yet there are some 11 year olds that simply cannot live without some pixelated pink party hat or a horde of virtual money. Club Penguin HQ, a prolific fansite of the hacking and cheating community was once spearheaded by a collection of notorious repeat offenders. The site itself is online again and is attracting many “leeches” as they are called. Well, they call them that to be nice. What they really mean is “ungrateful sonsabitches that demand instant gratification and offer nothing in return”.

Seriously, would you do a favor for someone who doesn’t even have the common courtesy to spell “the” correctly and to spell out such words as “you” and “are”? I didn’t think so, and neither did forum user Squirrel007 who has been pestered over AOL Messenger by a certain leech for quite some time. One might ask why Squirrel007 hasn’t blocked this person… but as you’re about to find out these are the very users that provoke the greatest responses ever to pranks and misleading. Posing as an automated Club Penguin hacking script running on Windows 98, I teamed up with Squirrel007 to nail one of these leeches once and for all.

All names and passwords have been removed from this article for security reasons. It should also be noted that Squirrel007 sat on the sidelines and fed him bullshit “commands” to send to the system to troubleshoot once the shit hit the fan. Bear with me, yes this is a chat log but wait until you get to the end of it, it gets good. Unfortunately the beginning is rather boring as there was some nominal setup required to this prank.

 

CPHackBot: ::INITIALIZING BOOT SEQUENCE
CPHackBot: BEGIN SESSION::
Stupid Newbie: hey
CPHackBot: WELCOME TO CPHackBot V0.5
Stupid Newbie: beta testing hat
CPHackBot: HOW MAY CPHackBot HELP YOU TODAY? ITEMS / COINS?
Stupid Newbie: items
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: BEFORE I CAN CONTINUE PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT LOGGED INTO THE CLUB PENGUIN GAME.
Stupid Newbie: im not
CPHackBot: PRESS “Y” TO CONTINUE.
Stupid Newbie: y
Stupid Newbie: Y
CPHackBot: TO ADD ITEMS TO YOUR ACCOUNT PLEASE LOGIN USING OUR SCRIPT. TO LOGIN USING CPHackBot PLEASE ENTER {USERNAME} {PASSWORD}
Stupid Newbie: {batista 1026} {password removed}
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: LOGIN SUCCESSFUL.
Stupid Newbie signed off.

Stupid Newbie signed on.
Stupid Newbie: hello
CPHackBot: BEGIN SESSION::
CPHackBot: WELCOME TO CPHackBot V0.5
Stupid Newbie: y
CPHackBot: HOW MAY CPHackBot HELP YOU TODAY? ITEMS / COINS?
Stupid Newbie: items
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: BEFORE I CAN CONTINUE PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT LOGGED INTO THE CLUB PENGUIN GAME.
CPHackBot: PRESS “Y” TO CONTINUE.
Stupid Newbie: y
CPHackBot: TO ADD ITEMS TO YOUR ACCOUNT PLEASE LOGIN USING OUR SCRIPT. TO LOGIN USING CPHackBot PLEASE ENTER {USERNAME} {PASSWORD}
Stupid Newbie: {batista 1026} {password removed… again}
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: THERE HAS BEEN AN ERROR PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST (USER IS LOGGED IN). TRY AGAIN? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: y
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST (2) PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: THERE HAS BEEN AN ERROR PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST (USER IS LOGGED IN). TRY AGAIN? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: y
Stupid Newbie signed off.

Stupid Newbie signed on.
Stupid Newbie: hey
CPHackBot: BEGIN SESSION::
CPHackBot: WELCOME TO CPHackBot V0.5
CPHackBot: HOW MAY CPHackBot HELP YOU TODAY? ITEMS / COINS?
Stupid Newbie: items
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: THANK YOU FOR WAITING.
Stupid Newbie: welcome
CPHackBot: BEFORE I CAN CONTINUE PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT LOGGED INTO THE CLUB PENGUIN GAME.
CPHackBot: PRESS “Y” TO CONTINUE.
Stupid Newbie: y
CPHackBot: TO ADD ITEMS TO YOUR ACCOUNT PLEASE LOGIN USING OUR SCRIPT. TO LOGIN USING CPHackBot PLEASE ENTER {USERNAME} {PASSWORD}
Stupid Newbie: {batista 1026} {seriously what the fuck man}
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: LOGIN SUCCESSFUL.
CPHackBot: IF YOU KNOW THE ITEM NUMBER PLEASE ENTER IT NOW OTHERWISE PLEASE TYPE “SEARCH:” FOLLOWED BY THE NAME OF THE ITEM YOU WANT.
Stupid Newbie: search beta testing party hat
CPHackBot: SEARCHING FOR: “beta testing party hat” PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: (3) RESULTS FOUND FOR “beta testing party hat”. PROPELLOR CAP (#PC433), BUNNY EARS (#BE533), SANTA HAT (#SH665).
CPHackBot: PLEASE ENTER THE NUMBER OF THE ITEM DESIRED OR TRY SEARCH AGAIN.
Stupid Newbie: 433
CPHackBot: PLEASE WAIT WHILE ITEM IS ADDED…
CPHackBot: ICE SKATES (#IS779) HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR INVENTORY.
CPHackBot: PLEASE ENTER THE ITEM NUMBER DESIRED OR SEARCH OR TYPE QUIT WHEN YOU ARE DONE.
Stupid Newbie: 403
CPHackBot: PLEASE WAIT WHILE THE ITEM IS ADDED…
CPHackBot: MODERATOR BADGE (#MB110) HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR INVENTORY.
CPHackBot: PLEASE ENTER THE ITEM NUMBER DESIRED OR SEARCH OR TYPE QUIT WHEN YOU ARE DONE.
Stupid Newbie: ph1
CPHackBot: SEARCHING FOR: “ph1” PLEASE WAIT…
Stupid Newbie: no
Stupid Newbie: quit
CPHackBot: (4) RESULTS FOUND FOR “ph1”. ph1 (#), phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh%%#
CPHackBot: SYSTEM ERROR: UNABLE TO PROCESS REQUEST.
CPHackBot: TRY AGAIN? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: n
CPHackBot: SEARCHING FOR: “ph1” PLEASE WAIT…
Stupid Newbie: NO
Stupid Newbie: stop
CPHackBot: SEARCH INTERRUPTED.
Stupid Newbie: search christmas scarf
CPHackBot: PLEASE ENTER THE NUMBER OF THE ITEM DESIRED OR TRY SEARCH AGAIN.
Stupid Newbie: PIN22
CPHackBot: PLEASE WAIT WHILE THE ITEM IS ADDED…
CPHackBot: (name not specified) (#no number given) HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR INVENTORY.
CPHackBot: PLEASE ENTER THE ITEM NUMBER DESIRED OR SEARCH OR TYPE QUIT WHEN YOU ARE DONE.
Stupid Newbie: quit
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: UNABLE TO PROCESS YOUR REQUEST.
CPHackBot: TRY AGAIN? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: y
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: ERROR IN LINE 45 (exe – session end).
CPHackBot: FATAL SYSTEM ERROR AT OBBF:998F.
Stupid Newbie: QUIT
CPHackBot: ::INITIATING BOOT SEQUENCE
CPHackBot: SESSION BEGIN::
CPHackBot: WELCOME TO CPHackBot V0.5
CPHackBot: HOW MAY CPHackBot HELP YOU TODAY? ITEMS / COINS?
Stupid Newbie: quit
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: ERROR IN LINE 69 (exe:CPHackBot.dll, sessionend termination;)
CPHackBot: FATAL SYSTEM ERROR AT 76BD:223A
CPHackBot: ::INITIATING BOOT SEQUENCE
CPHackBot: ERROR INITIATING BOOT SEQUENCE.
CPHackBot: UNABLE TO RETRIEVE CLIENT DATA.
Stupid Newbie: items
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: WARNING: THE SYSTEM HAS BECOME UNSTABLE. PLEASE HIT ENTER TO RETURN TO WINDOWS.
Stupid Newbie: REGsys:{#1337=X^3}ENDreg
CPHackBot: PLEASE WAIT WHILE SYSTEM DIAGNOSTICS INITIALIZES.
CPHackBot: YOU ARE CURRENTLY RUNNING: WINDOWS 98 V1.33.7, G64X RENDERING CARD DETECTED, PENTIUM III 900MHZ PROCESSOR.
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT COMMAND:
Stupid Newbie: items
CPHackBot: COMMAND “items” NOT RECOGNIZED.
Stupid Newbie: hack
CPHackBot: COMMAND “hack” NOT RECOGNIZED.
Stupid Newbie: ive been scammed
CPHackBot: COMMAND “ive been scammed” NOT RECOGNIZED.
Stupid Newbie: :Run:SolitarEngine.exe-{ResetVAR}[X,Y,Z,C,V]=SolitarEngine.exe^9:end:
CPHackBot: INITIALIZING solit~1.exe PLEASE WAIT.
CPHackBot: SOLITAIRE. NEW GAME, LOAD GAME, OPTIONS, EXIT?
Stupid Newbie: hey
CPHackBot: COMMAND “hey” NOT RECOGNIZED.
Stupid Newbie signed off.

Stupid Newbie signed on.
Stupid Newbie: hello
CPHackBot: SYSTEM DIAGNOSTICS MENU
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT COMMAND
Stupid Newbie: :{INIcom}:Connect_192.168.1.105:Run”Phat075″{ENDcom} “IF”X=k^5 “THEN” “SENDPACKET:965;465;486;123;456;479;NUL”
CPHackBot: CONTACTING 192.168.1.105 PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: 192.168.1.105 ONLINE. CONNECTING TO 192.168.1.105 PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: CONNECTED TO http://www.pentagon.gov LOGGING IN USING CLIENT BATISTA1026
CPHackBot: PLEASE WAIT…
Stupid Newbie: what
Stupid Newbie: NO
Stupid Newbie: EXIT
CPHackBot: CONNECTION ESTABLISHED
Stupid Newbie: QUIT
CPHackBot: == WELCOME TO THE PENTAGON ==
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT YOUR COMMAND. 1) ACCESS FILES 2) ACCESS MILITARY CACHE 3) ACCESS SENATE CACHE 4) CLOSE CONNECTION
Stupid Newbie signed off.

Stupid Newbie signed on.
CPHackBot: == WELCOME TO THE PENTAGON ==
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT YOUR COMMAND. 1) ACCESS FILES 2) ACCESS MILITARY CACHE 3) ACCESS SENATE CACHE 4) CLOSE CONNECTION
Stupid Newbie signed off.

Stupid Newbie signed on.
CPHackBot: == WELCOME TO THE PENTAGON ==
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT YOUR COMMAND. 1) ACCESS FILES 2) ACCESS MILITARY CACHE 3) ACCESS SENATE CACHE 4) CLOSE CONNECTION
Stupid Newbie: [END:192.168.1.105] {TERMINATE} SOLITAReNGINE}
CPHackBot: PLEASE WAIT WHILE SOLITAIRE CLOSES.
CPHackBot: CLOSED SOLITAIRE
CPHackBot: == WELCOME TO THE PENTAGON ==
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT YOUR COMMAND. 1) ACCESS FILES 2) ACCESS MILITARY CACHE 3) ACCESS SENATE CACHE 4) CLOSE CONNECTION
Stupid Newbie signed off.

Stupid Newbie signed on.
CPHackBot: == WELCOME TO THE PENTAGON ==
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT YOUR COMMAND. 1) ACCESS FILES 2) ACCESS MILITARY CACHE 3) ACCESS SENATE CACHE 4) CLOSE CONNECTION
Stupid Newbie: exit
Stupid Newbie: 4
CPHackBot: DISCONNECTING FROM SERVER PENTAGON PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: ERROR DISCONNECTING FROM SERVER. CONNECTION FROZEN BY THIRD PARTY.
CPHackBot: ERROR DETAILS? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: QUIT
Stupid Newbie: Y
CPHackBot: CONNECTION SUSPENDED BY IP FBI.43.207.44 UNABLE TO DISCONNECT FROM HOST PENTAGON.
CPHackBot: TRY AGAIN? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: Y
CPHackBot: DISCONNECTING FROM SERVER PENTAGON PLEASE WAIT…
Stupid Newbie: EXIT EXIT EXIT QUIT
CPHackBot: ALERT: THIS CONNECTION IS CURRENTLY BEING TRACED BY A THIRD PARTY. UNABLE TO DISCONNECT FROM SERVER PENTAGON.
CPHackBot: ERROR DETAILS? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: EXIT
Stupid Newbie: N
Stupid Newbie: HELLO?
CPHackBot: TRY AGAIN? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: Y
Stupid Newbie: QUIT
CPHackBot: DISCONNECTING FROM SERVER PENTAGON PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: ERROR DISCONNECTING FROM SERVER.
CPHackBot: MESSAGE SENT FROM FBI.43.207.44: YOU ARE UNDER ARREST DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LEAVE YOUR COMPUTER YOU ARE BEING TRACED.
Stupid Newbie: EXIT
Stupid Newbie signed off.

In his moments of sheer terror, Stupid Newbie logged off hoping to avoid the ominous “Welcome to the Pentagon” text, but to his dismay logging on brought it right back via the “hacking robot”. Still, one must wonder why he kept returning to the prompt when it quit working on him a half-dozen times. Wherever our aspiring hacker may be now, the feds are not after him, but maybe it made him think twice about dicking around with things he shouldn’t… plus of course I’ve got his in-game username so someone is in some serious trouble.

– Squirrel007 and Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

nes-bigfoottitleGame:
Bigfoot

Developer:
Acclaim

Genre:
Monster Truck Sim?

Platform:
NES

Released:
1990

In the late 80’s and early 90’s, monster trucks were literally the most awesome thing on the planet. The only thing more awesome than a monster truck would be a monster truck with dinosaurs on it. Fortunately, we had a fair compromise: a truck named after a mythical woodland beast. There’s nothing more Southern than a monster truck though, just the idea behind it is enough to get Jeff Foxworthy hard; get a truck and put the biggest wheels you can find on it… then run it over some cars, preferably the ones parked in your front yard that don’t have any wheels on them.

The NES was also incredibly popular in the late 80’s and early 90’s so you can see where this is going. Somewhere along the line someone got the wise idea to create a game about monster trucks featuring Bigfoot, the “king of the monster trucks.” This would be fine and dandy if it weren’t for the fact that Bigfoot is one of the worst abominations to be given the title “video game.” Bigfoot takes everything awesome about monster trucks, and strips it away to nothing more than a shitty button-masher with impossible AI.

The first thing you are going to notice is Bigfoot has the worst theme song out of any video game ever made in the last 30 years. Monster trucks need some kind of rock and roll or something… anything is better than the digitized hillbilly shit that plays from start to finish. The tunes and cuts that play before and after the races are just as horrid and are guaranteed to make your ears bleed and likely induce aneurisms.

nes-bigfoot1

Bigfoot versus Nondescript Bigfoot Recolor

The object of the game is to literally get from Point A to Point B; you must go cross-country, east coast to west coast, smashing everything in your way and participating in various monster truck inspired events. There are two kinds of races. The first race is a side scrolling event where you crush cars, go through mud, climb hills, or participate in a tractor pull. It’s a nice idea and the graphics look decent until you press the A button expecting your truck to move. The A button is not the gas. Left is the gas. So is right. Yes, you heard me, in order to get your truck to move, you must press left and right constantly. The faster you press them, the more it revs the engine.

Not only is this form of control incredibly stupid it also gets tiring extremely fast. Worst of all these event races are “best 2 out of 3” and the CPU truck is bound to beat you at least once making you do all three races. Screwing around during these races will end up breaking your truck which costs money to fix. If you rev the engine too hard or too fast you’ll blow one bar of life from it, if you bounce off of cars erratically you’ll damage your shocks, if you’re gassing the engine and you try to shift gears, you’ll strip the gearbox, and finally I have yet to figure out why but your tires will randomly go flat. All of this costs money to fix, and since the CPU will most likely kick your ass in the races he will get the prize money and you will not be able to afford repairs and parts. Because of this, the CPU can afford to tear ass through the race and blow as much shit as it wants and fix the truck to perfect status afterwards.

nes-bigfoot

Can you even read these engine meters?

The second kind of race is a bird’s eye view race through the countryside which has become littered with flags, parked cars, broken piers, and trees. Somehow, crashing into the wall at full speed will not damage your truck at all but landing in the trees will cause it to violently shatter into a million pieces and subsequently cost you $500 to continue racing. If you can’t afford the cost, you’re out. This is the only surefire way to beat the CPU. Since it blows its money rather quickly you can smash them into the trees and get them disqualified letting you pick up all the money items and complete the race in first place.

Speaking of items there are a number of them thrown randomly around the race. There’s a suspension item that looks like fish bones which causes your truck to jump. This is ineffective since trying to jump over trees and obstacles will just force you to land in them. There are nitro boosts that really seem to have no effect as the screen will only scroll if you and the CPU are somewhere in the middle of the screen. Alongside these items is a saw blade that will pop out from the front of your truck that you can use to damage your opponent. Normally this is useless because the trucks have a stupidly high amount of health and will run away from the saw blade, usually hiding behind you where it’s impossible to hit them. To protect you from the CPU’s blade there is an invincibility item that doesn’t even have an icon. It’s just a gray box with four dots in it. It hardly lasts long enough to outlast the saw blade and it doesn’t protect you from trees. There are also wrench icons that refill your health, but normally these are placed in between clumps of trees, so trying to get them is stupid and you’ll be killed.

nes-bigfoot2

“B” is for Bigfoot. Also Bullshit.

To move around on this race you use the D-Pad. You can move side to side but when it comes to going forward and braking to avoid crap, there is no use. The screen will scroll at intermittent speeds depending on the location of the trucks. If the CPU is at the top of the screen and you are right behind it, the screen scrolls like you’re using nitro boosts. However, if you’re further behind the screen will move slow as hell and may even change speeds, which will cause you to end up in the goddamn trees or to miss a money item. If you get the CPU truck to go bankrupt during this race it will display as “GAME OVER” and you can finish the race solo and take as long as you like. Without a second truck the game screws up the scrolling, so the closer you get to the top, the faster it goes, but at the same time it pushes you back on the screen causing it to slow down at the same time.

Killing off trucks will bring in newcomers with a default cash threshold of $5,000. None of your opponent trucks have licensed names and instead are stupid generic names such as “The Growler”, “The Crusher”, “The Charger”, and “Terminator”. They are all solid color trucks and there’s no noticeable difference between them. By the time you successfully disqualify one truck you will have enough money to complete the rest of the game if you don’t screw up too badly. In fact, once you get enough money you can purposely throw event races and still win. I lost the Oyster Bay Championship to Terminator, but because I had fifty grand in points and over $20,000, the game did not care and still gave the title to me.

The end of the game is aggravating and is not worth the amount of blood, sweat, and tears you will put into this game. The end of the game is just a stereotypical cowboy posing next to the Bigfoot with 10 foot tall tires, all the while the horrible theme song plays again. No credits, no unlockables, no cut scenes, just a crappy still image and an even worse theme song. Fuck you Bigfoot, fuck you.

Overall this game is just an absolute piece of trash. Bigfoot had the potential to kick serious amounts of ass and Acclaim could not have hit any farther from the bullseye without coming closer on the opposite side. It’s a perfect failure, a mish-mash of the absolute worst horrid sounds and redneck porno music, bland visuals and color palettes that rival those of schools in the 1960’s, and game controls that would piss off even the most determined monster truck fan.

Defining Moment:
The theme song of the game. It sets the tone for the horrible torture you are about to endure if you do not heed its warning.

Graphics: 5/10
At least the trucks look like trucks and the graphics for the side to side races are not that bad. During these races when your truck takes damage in-game there will be visible changes to the truck on the screen. Tires will shrink, smoke will come up from the engine, and other effects such as wheelies and bouncing from crushed cars make for a nice show. Unfortunately the bird’s eye view races are extremely unattractive and barely anything looks the way it should.

Sound: 0/10
I can say that Bigfoot single handedly takes the cake for “worse NES soundtrack ever.” The theme song is some disgusting mix of country and what I can only assume is redneck hillbilly music, and the other assortment of jingles and fanfares are not much of an improvement. You will want to kill yourself after hearing this soundtrack.

Control: -Infinity/10
I honestly don’t know what the fuck they were thinking when they thought pressing left and right would be a good idea for a game. It’s tiring, hard, and frustrating to do on an NES controller, and joystick users may as well just give up. The top-down view races are pretty much auto-scrolling. Turning, accelerating, and braking are all nearly impossible and you may as well just set the controller down and let the CPU finish the race for you.

Mullet Points: 10/10
Nothing says “redneck” more than a monster truck video game, complete with horrid music to match. If you’ve ever played Bigfoot for the NES, you might be a redneck. I think I am going to go hang myself now.

– Dracaophile

[Editor’s Note: This is a previously unreleased article from RFSHQ.com and its original publication date is an estimation based upon a retrieved backup.]

Before RFSHQ was a thing some of us got together and made some edited screenshots of Crimson Room. Crimson Room had a sequel, Viridian Room, so we decided to follow suit and make some images from this game as well now that we have a platform to do so.

viridianroom_AndyMMedia2

AndyMMedia finds the only use for this tired meme.

viridianroom_animereaper_001

animereaper‘s hobbies include cultural insensitivity.

viridianroom_Kurisu

Kurisu is able to predict the subjects of Roastmaster’s articles years in advance.

viridianroom_Kurisu4

Kurisu just recently found out about fchan.

viridianroom_mean2u

mean2u breaks the fourth wall and goes for a “yo dawg”.

viridianroom_RadioFSoftware_003

Dracophile likes to reuse old jokes.

viridianroom_RadioFSoftware3

Dracophile should consult a walkthrough for this game.

viridianroom_RadioFSoftware5_000

Dracophile has been hitting that “dank viridian”.

viridianroom_RadioFSoftware6

Wrong game, Dracophile.

viridianroom_StAnger

StAnger isn’t really about subtlety.

– The RFSHQ Forums

I love classic video games. They remind us all of a time when you had a D-Pad and two (or maybe three or four) buttons to use and you had better quit your crying and make something with it. It was when we got all of our favorites like Mario and Sonic, and all of those other mascots that faded into obscurity as soon as they emerged. It was a vicious time. Game series were like movies; the first would rock the market, and the sequel would suck so bad that the series would end.

Today we’re up to what, “Final Fantasy 47,582 and a half: You’re running out of money but we can keep this up for another 20 years”, “Pokemon Burnt Orange with Green Stripes”, “Super Mario Extreme Snowboarding”, and “Sonic The Hedgehog: More Worthless Characters”?

I’m not here to make fun of today’s games. I’m here to ask you only one question:

“Do you have the skillful?”

I found myself at the receiving end of that question while I was looking for stuff to buy at a “local” trade center. One of the shops I came across was selling those pirated “5,000 games in 1” systems, which is really like 4,990 Mario Bros games, and 10 other shitty ones. I had time to waste so I decided to fool around with the ones they had on display. Lots of different models were here; they sodomized all sorts of controllers with NES games. There were Frankenstein’d Nintendo 64 controllers, Genesis controllers, and even Dreamcast parts (who the hell even plays that anymore).

I was enjoying a few rounds of Super Mario Bros. (since that is the only game on there) when the shopkeeper came up to me and asked if I liked what I saw. I was honest with him, I told him they were pretty cool but my little brother already owned one and I was just having fun. He was a nice old guy. He didn’t know much about what he was selling (since he often spelled games wrong on his advertisement flyers) but he’s just trying to make a buck… or thirty-five. Whichever.

He asked what I was playing and I said Mario, and he asked if I knew about “The Cheat Button”…

“The cheat button?” I asked.

He walked outside of the booth and I handed him the controller. “Yeh mang the CHEAT button here wach.” (Pardon the errors as I type in a racist Mexican accent.)

He pressed some of the extra buttons on the controller and went from World 1-1 to World 2-1, 3-1, 4-1, all the way to 8-1 and he stopped. Then, he dared to press it again and something completely unexpected happened. World 9-1. I’m sure he’s done this before, but it seemed like a complete mindfuck to him.

“You can only get to dese levels if you have the SKILLFUL.” He said. “Do you have the SKILLFUL?”

I knew 9-1 didn’t exist and its scrambled appearance just kinda cemented that thought but I didn’t know about the cheat, so I obviously did not have the “skillful”. I replied, “I didn’t know about these so I guess I don’t have it!”

He seemed real energetic and said “Well hey mang go and try it out, but hey mang check it out when you keep pressing cheat button it goes to letter worlds mang. Press it until it goes to O world mang.” I complied and went to World O-1 and was greeted with a black water level with randomized coins. He was playing it and said “See mang dese are the levels that the Nintendo didn’t want you to see mang. You can only get here with the skillful and cheat buttons.”

I watched him play the the level, and after he passed up about 20 random coins the level was just empty, so I asked what was up, since I don’t think he knew that the game was just calling for random information that didn’t exist. I don’t think he had the “skillful” to understand that concept, so I didn’t mention it. “Where’s the level?” I asked.

He pasued the game and said “After the coins mang there INVISIBLE walls mang. I play so much though I know where ALL DEM at.”

Completely plausible.

Unfortunately. I was getting hungry and I was actually supposed to have been on my way home so I had to cut this brilliant conversation/experience short, but rest assured. If you have the skillful, then you damn well better beat the levels the Nintendo didn’t want you to see.

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: The device in question was a “Power Player” system containing several hundred NES games built into the shell of a Nintendo 64 controller. The so-called “cheat button” was one of the two C-buttons that did not stand in as turbo options for A and B.]