[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

Last year RFSHQ was terrorized by great deals on an assorted collection of bastardized “household furnishings” provided by Harriet Carter, boasting “distinct gifts since 1958”. If by “distinct” they mean “overpriced gimmick shit we stole from Sharper Image’s dumpster” then unfortunately we cannot slam them for false advertising. You know what I’m talking about — last time we were subjected to expensive headphones and crazy Texas Hold ‘Em handheld cheating devices. Face it, if you’re playing Texas Hold ‘Em, you’re already at the lowest you can possibly be so cheating won’t set you back any farther. With that out of the way, five new items of the financial apocalypse are ready to take their final stand at RFSHQ.

RFSHQ_noimage

“Color Wheel”

Have you ever owned a desk fan and then thought to yourself “gee I wonder what this would look like if I duct taped a Simon onto it”? Finally, someone has invented a party favor that not only poses as a probable fire hazard, but also has made mass-hypnosis economically available to the public. As the website says, it “spins its magic into your home to add a new dimension to any party” which leads me to believe this really is indeed some form of mind control device (used to get you to take advantage of more great Harriet Carter deals I presume). And what do they mean by “magic”? Is this thing about to spin like mad and grant wishes? Furthermore, is it even safe to be around?

Price: $22.50

RFSHQ_noimage

“Furniture Risers”

Nothing says “class” like using a bunch of empty inkjet printer cartridges and pudding cups to make your table a few inches higher. Supposedly they are made of “heavy-duty molded plastic” (and are Photoshopped under the table legs) but I’m betting they’d buckle under the weight of a solid wood (real wood, mind you, not that particle board crap) dining table; and speaking of tables who is honestly needing to jack their furniture up off of the ground? Shaquille O’Neal? It says you can raise up the head of your bed for “easier breathing” but what happens if you or someone else gets a little “too rough” in your bed?…

Price: $19.98 (Pro Tip: Those same things full of ink cost only about a buck more.)

RFSHQ_noimage

“God Danced Frame”

If the bizarre name doesn’t confuse you, the etched message sure as hell will. It’s a picture frame for a newborn baby — simple enough — but as I mentioned a message is engraved on it. The message reads: “God danced the day you were born.” Now, not to sound rude but what the hell is that supposed to mean? He danced? That’s it? You shot out of your mother’s vagina and God got down with his bad self? He was up there waving his hands in the air like he didn’t care while your mom was in labor? And to think, she was probably praying to him for support. What a dick.

Price: $14.98

RFSHQ_noimage

“Bunny Doorstop”

The second this image loads, a PeTA supporter is going to shit bricks. Is that not the most horrifying “door stop” you’ve ever seen? I mean, the rabbit is cute and all, but couldn’t they have just shoved a rubber wedge up its ass and let you fit it under the door? That’s real kid-safe right there, though; the stuff of nightmares for any over-sensitive kid. “Mommy, why is your door crushing a bunny?” Harriet Carter claims this bunny “hopped off the bunny trail” to assist you in keeping doors from closing, but I’m fairly sure “getting smashed by the door” was not in the rabbit’s contract. Unfortunately though, I suppose this rabbit has been smashed one too many times, as they go on to say: “plush ‘body’ conforms to door and works on all flooring”, yes “body” as in “there is nothing really left of its innards after being smashed a few hundred times.

Price: $4.50

RFSHQ_noimage

“Audubon Bird Clock”

If their painfully dull “time flies” pun doesn’t make your ears bleed then the sounds of this clock will, every hour on the hour guaranteed. It makes a great gift for any bird lover… that you wish would eventually just fucking hate birds because this clock will make you want to kill every bird you lay your eyes on. Each hour it chimes with a different bird sound, a different ear-piercing bird sound from the depths of electronic hell; somewhere in between the infernal beeping of Mattel Football and Jamster cell phone ringtones. Think of it like getting kicked in the nuts with a steel toe boot every hour… on the hour. With a bird sound. Of course, it has a light sensor so it doesn’t chirp at night, but during the day: utter hell (until you eventually tape over the sensor). If there was ever a moment when crappy novelty gifts went too far, this bird clock is that moment. Even worse, the damn things have gone up in price three cents since I remember seeing them on TV years ago. What a rip off.

Price: $19.98

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

If you’re just joining us, have a quick read of “Energizing Energy Drinks 1” to find out what’s going on here. If you’re lazy, here’s the “too long didn’t read” version: We bought nine energy drinks with the intent to taste and judge each of them three at a time. After the disgusting “Clamato” we put up with last time we figured that it couldn’t possibly get worse. How wrong could we have been? Everything is bad in the realm of energy drinks.

This time around we have three more drinks to sample. “NOS”, an attempt to cash-in on the street racing fans, “Von Dutch”, aimed towards confused and angsty teenagers, and “Stinger”, which I can only guess is meant to appeal to people who have sex with bees and other insects that may or may not wish to inject poison into your bloodstream. RFSHQ forum user FpS ref1ex will also be sacrificing his GI tract in the name of comedy.

RFSHQ_noimage

“NOS”

Appearance: “High Performance”, “Throttle in a Bottle” even though it’s a can… “Caution: POWERFUL”. This drink is like a full-on in your face “drink this and throw a fucking car” energy drink. I’m sure if I drank this, according to what it says on the can (or BOTTLE as the slogan reads), that I could beat a thousand ninjas in hand to hand combat. Look at that can, it’s like the arrow factory and the awesome factory had some bastard kid. That kid was called NOS.

Ingredients: The ingredients here, and I’m not lying, are displayed as “POWER INGREDIENTS” on the back of the can. Nothing says POWER like extreme ingredients such as “carbonated water”, “taurine”, “sodium hexametaphosphate”, and monopotassium phosphate”. Just reading those makes me want to go out and punch old people or throw babies really, really far. Did I mention it’s also sugar free?

Smell: It smells exactly like Everlast. I’m now thinking this probably is Everlast with a much more extreme name and appearance, and unlike the wussy “blast” that Everlast advertised, NOS probably has the “BLAST” that I talked about. NOS smells like a fruit salad; if that fruit salad was made entirely of oranges and pineapples.

Taste: NOS is like if you were you get a handful of mandarin oranges and a handful of fresh cut pineapple chunks, and then clap your hands really hard. The result is some crazy citrus tang that, although is now probably exactly like Everlast, it doesn’t look, smell, or taste as puny as Everlast did. This ain’t no battery can, this is all up in your face citrus. Not that bad at all.

Energy Received: After drinking NOS, I’m not sure if it’s just my head telling me this, but I feel like playing chicken with a monster truck. Maybe it’s the “taurine” or maybe it’s the “hexametaphosphate” and the other stuff I can’t spell right, but this is clearly better than Everlast.

Rating: 8/10

FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: NOS is not supposed to be an energy drink, it’s supposed to be used in cars. Not people. I think it tastes like oranges with pineapples and lots of sugar and other shit I can’t spell or pronounce.

RFSHQ_noimage

“Von Dutch”

Appearance: Von Dutch looks like the creation of Hot Topic and a 14 year old with Photoshop; lots of spikes, lots of black, lots of red, and lots of stupid fonts. I counted 7. Its insane self-promotion on the side of the can boasting coast-to-coast brand loyalty only adds to the mystery of why the hell I’ve never heard of this, nor have I seen it before. Probably because this is a bunch of bullshit and they made it up. I don’t like liars, and something tells me this isn’t “sugar free” either.

Ingredients: Von Dutch, like most energy drinks, contains a lot of sciency things that I don’t even know what the hell they are. Whatever it is though, it has that same warning that Trident gum has: “Phenylketonurics: Contains Phenylalanine”. I’d imagine it would suck to be a Phenylketonuric, just because instead of giving someone a reason of why you refused their offer of gum, you’d just have to say “fuck off”. It must be a trend though for these drinks to not contain sugar, which Von Dutch of course does not have.

Smell: This drink matches the color and scent of cheap dollar store licorice. I would hope it tastes that way, because even though it’s cheap and from a dollar store, it’s not that bad. It smells of both strawberry and that black licorice, which doesn’t have a name besides just “black” (insert racial joke here). Von Dutch would make a better air freshener than a drink I’m sure.

Taste: This tastes good for like a split second, and then IT hits you. “It” can only be defined as the liquefied version of the sour covering of Warheads candy. Before this drink rapes your tongue in the ass, it tastes like watermelon, then it tastes like the way expensive perfume smells, and then straight Warhead assault. Like I predicted, it would make a better air freshener.

Energy Received: Enough energy for me to twist my face in disgust.

Rating: 2/10

FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: It tastes like a margarita with shit on top. If I could rate it, I’d give it a 0, a negative 0.

RFSHQ_noimage

“Stacker2 Stinger”

Appearance: With artwork that appears to be ripped right off of a stupid 1980’s B-Movie, Stinger is smaller than most of the drinks we’ve seen so far and is about the same size as Clamato which I’m hoping that this is not what it is. Stinger is pleasant to look at, light blue with purple, and then somehow they thought white text was a good idea. I can hardly read anything on this can, except for the bee, and the name “STINGER”, along with the fact that this is also “sugar free”.

Ingredients: No sugar, “B-stack”, and a thousand pissed off bees.

Smell: Stinger smells just like those blue raspberry lollipops you used to be able to get from the bank, which is a good thing. Unfortunately, it smells like a lollipop that someone dropped into a can of beans, and subsequently threw up on. It’s smell almost has the properties of Jones’ Brussels Sprout soda that filled up the entire room immediately and would not leave like some annoying vacuum salesman.

Taste: Despite the fact that this drink smells of ass, it doesn’t taste bad at all. Stinger is a very sweet drink that tastes like those raspberry flavored Dum Dum pops but with a lot more sweetness to it. Not enough sweet to cause insta-cavities, but enough to put you off of not wanting it. That compounded with its smell is enough to make we want to throw this out.

Energy Received: After drinking Stinger, my olfactory senses were destroyed but overall I wasn’t much better off than when I started. Stinger made me feel incredibly bored, and reminded me how low I am on ideas to put myself through this crap.

Rating: 3/10

FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: When you first smell it, it smells really bad like a shit tortilla. But then when you take a drink, it tastes like a raspberry tortilla and it turns out better than I thought it would.

 

While none of these drinks made me want to throw up as bad as Clamato did, the taste of Von Dutch and the smell of Stinger came pretty close to it. I can’t even begin to think why these companies would label their products as “good” if they have such offensive qualities to them. NOS, of course, is probably Everlast in a different can with the same ingredients. Since Everlast was our “winner” in our previous article, NOS takes the cake here as well.

Let’s all raise up our cans of whatever we’re drinking, and give a toast to good health and caffeine overdosing!

– Dracophile and FpS ref1ex

The Internet is great for a lot of things, the largest being the ability to connect with others around the world. Such was the case with an old friend of mine in the early 00’s. In 1999, BattleBots was released on Comedy Central and I was a huge fan. I was all over the message boards and a couple of communities where I’d chat with others about the show and share designs and whatnot; geeky fan stuff. I won’t release his name (or screenname) for his own sake, but a particular friend of mine had convinced me to download MSN Messenger which was pretty basic and primitive back in those days. You could use some really ugly emoticons and send files but they didn’t have thumbnail previews like they do now. Now that I think of it, thumbnail previews are the second best part of the Internet and any kind of application that uses the Internet.

One fateful morning in early 2002 I was talking to this fine and upstanding fellow. The guy was pretty bright, he knew all sorts of technical info about robotics and animatronics. At the time I was 14 or 15 years old, I’d place him at around 17 or 18; the details these days are a little foggy. We were discussing ideas and blueprints just like any other day. I had scrawled down some cheesy ideas for some kind of overloaded robot with chainsaws; stupid crap that’s physically impossible to make but looks totally awesome on paper. He and I chatted about “Totaler”, the idea I had sent him, and then he said he had an “awesome design” he wanted to send my way.

He loaded up the image into MSN Messenger for me to accept, which I did. Thanks to our fabulous ISP CompuServe (read: America Online) we had blazing fast dial-up Internet access. Literally a half hour later this oddly large image was done transferring so I navigated to the folder in My Documents where all of my MSN Messenger transfers are dumped to. I sorted the images by date and found his at the top of the list and eagerly double-clicked the file to open it up in Paint. When my extremely robust eMachines PC finally opened the image I was greeted with a desktop sized picture — unfortunately it wasn’t a BattleBot design. What blasted me in the face can only be described as something from the bowels of the Internet itself.

Amy Rose Hedgehog being double penetrated by Sonic and Shadow the Hedgehog.

It was the worst BattleBot design ever.

The image is forever burned into my retinas. When I close my eyes to sleep at night, this is what I see. My personal hell would be this image tiled across every wall in my house. If I was captured by Jigsaw and locked in a crazy puzzle maze, this would be the terror I was running from. Every childhood memory that I ever had in my head was just shit on, eaten alive, and then shit on again that very moment. This exists.

Of all the people I knew, this was least expected to come from him. Figuring this had to be some kind of sick joke I played along.

“Yeah, Sonic and Shadow giving it to Amy really looks like a great design,” I said.

Apparently my buddy was under the assumption that he honestly sent me his design, because he replied with a simple and dumbfounded “what”. When I told him he had just sent me hardcore Sonic the Hedgehog pornography instead of a BattleBot design, he began apologizing profusely and telling me it was a joke. That’s when it hit me that my good friend here made an honest mistake and sent me porn instead of what he intended, and not the good kind of porn either. The rest of the conversation was incredibly awkward; he later sent the real file but there wasn’t a whole lot of discussion going on anymore. Afterwards I think I only ever talked to him a few more times before he vanished into Internet thin air.

Believe it or not, this was the first time the Internet had raped my childhood (and it wasn’t the last either). Naturally I was shocked and amused at the same time. I told my offline friends the story and we came up with the idea to put it into video form. I made a fake DVD case and “The Sonic the Hedgehog Pornographic DVD” skit was filmed, along with a few other related shorts filmed in the same fashion as a few early episodes of the Radio F Show project. The original DVD prop we used for the videos is the oldest prop still around from the early days of our filming.

If for some strange reason you’ve been following me around all these years old pal, this one’s for you.

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: The DVD prop referenced in this article made a couple of cameos in Twilight Foundry videos in the late 00’s and was later retired from use when it was gifted to Foundry alumna Cosmic Audino.]

Hacking is some serious stuff in Club Penguin. People get banned left and right for trying to dodge the system yet there are some 11 year olds that simply cannot live without some pixelated pink party hat or a horde of virtual money. Club Penguin HQ, a prolific fansite of the hacking and cheating community was once spearheaded by a collection of notorious repeat offenders. The site itself is online again and is attracting many “leeches” as they are called. Well, they call them that to be nice. What they really mean is “ungrateful sonsabitches that demand instant gratification and offer nothing in return”.

Seriously, would you do a favor for someone who doesn’t even have the common courtesy to spell “the” correctly and to spell out such words as “you” and “are”? I didn’t think so, and neither did forum user Squirrel007 who has been pestered over AOL Messenger by a certain leech for quite some time. One might ask why Squirrel007 hasn’t blocked this person… but as you’re about to find out these are the very users that provoke the greatest responses ever to pranks and misleading. Posing as an automated Club Penguin hacking script running on Windows 98, I teamed up with Squirrel007 to nail one of these leeches once and for all.

All names and passwords have been removed from this article for security reasons. It should also be noted that Squirrel007 sat on the sidelines and fed him bullshit “commands” to send to the system to troubleshoot once the shit hit the fan. Bear with me, yes this is a chat log but wait until you get to the end of it, it gets good. Unfortunately the beginning is rather boring as there was some nominal setup required to this prank.

 

CPHackBot: ::INITIALIZING BOOT SEQUENCE
CPHackBot: BEGIN SESSION::
Stupid Newbie: hey
CPHackBot: WELCOME TO CPHackBot V0.5
Stupid Newbie: beta testing hat
CPHackBot: HOW MAY CPHackBot HELP YOU TODAY? ITEMS / COINS?
Stupid Newbie: items
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: BEFORE I CAN CONTINUE PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT LOGGED INTO THE CLUB PENGUIN GAME.
Stupid Newbie: im not
CPHackBot: PRESS “Y” TO CONTINUE.
Stupid Newbie: y
Stupid Newbie: Y
CPHackBot: TO ADD ITEMS TO YOUR ACCOUNT PLEASE LOGIN USING OUR SCRIPT. TO LOGIN USING CPHackBot PLEASE ENTER {USERNAME} {PASSWORD}
Stupid Newbie: {batista 1026} {password removed}
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: LOGIN SUCCESSFUL.
Stupid Newbie signed off.

Stupid Newbie signed on.
Stupid Newbie: hello
CPHackBot: BEGIN SESSION::
CPHackBot: WELCOME TO CPHackBot V0.5
Stupid Newbie: y
CPHackBot: HOW MAY CPHackBot HELP YOU TODAY? ITEMS / COINS?
Stupid Newbie: items
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: BEFORE I CAN CONTINUE PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT LOGGED INTO THE CLUB PENGUIN GAME.
CPHackBot: PRESS “Y” TO CONTINUE.
Stupid Newbie: y
CPHackBot: TO ADD ITEMS TO YOUR ACCOUNT PLEASE LOGIN USING OUR SCRIPT. TO LOGIN USING CPHackBot PLEASE ENTER {USERNAME} {PASSWORD}
Stupid Newbie: {batista 1026} {password removed… again}
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: THERE HAS BEEN AN ERROR PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST (USER IS LOGGED IN). TRY AGAIN? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: y
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST (2) PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: THERE HAS BEEN AN ERROR PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST (USER IS LOGGED IN). TRY AGAIN? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: y
Stupid Newbie signed off.

Stupid Newbie signed on.
Stupid Newbie: hey
CPHackBot: BEGIN SESSION::
CPHackBot: WELCOME TO CPHackBot V0.5
CPHackBot: HOW MAY CPHackBot HELP YOU TODAY? ITEMS / COINS?
Stupid Newbie: items
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: THANK YOU FOR WAITING.
Stupid Newbie: welcome
CPHackBot: BEFORE I CAN CONTINUE PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT LOGGED INTO THE CLUB PENGUIN GAME.
CPHackBot: PRESS “Y” TO CONTINUE.
Stupid Newbie: y
CPHackBot: TO ADD ITEMS TO YOUR ACCOUNT PLEASE LOGIN USING OUR SCRIPT. TO LOGIN USING CPHackBot PLEASE ENTER {USERNAME} {PASSWORD}
Stupid Newbie: {batista 1026} {seriously what the fuck man}
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: LOGIN SUCCESSFUL.
CPHackBot: IF YOU KNOW THE ITEM NUMBER PLEASE ENTER IT NOW OTHERWISE PLEASE TYPE “SEARCH:” FOLLOWED BY THE NAME OF THE ITEM YOU WANT.
Stupid Newbie: search beta testing party hat
CPHackBot: SEARCHING FOR: “beta testing party hat” PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: (3) RESULTS FOUND FOR “beta testing party hat”. PROPELLOR CAP (#PC433), BUNNY EARS (#BE533), SANTA HAT (#SH665).
CPHackBot: PLEASE ENTER THE NUMBER OF THE ITEM DESIRED OR TRY SEARCH AGAIN.
Stupid Newbie: 433
CPHackBot: PLEASE WAIT WHILE ITEM IS ADDED…
CPHackBot: ICE SKATES (#IS779) HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR INVENTORY.
CPHackBot: PLEASE ENTER THE ITEM NUMBER DESIRED OR SEARCH OR TYPE QUIT WHEN YOU ARE DONE.
Stupid Newbie: 403
CPHackBot: PLEASE WAIT WHILE THE ITEM IS ADDED…
CPHackBot: MODERATOR BADGE (#MB110) HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR INVENTORY.
CPHackBot: PLEASE ENTER THE ITEM NUMBER DESIRED OR SEARCH OR TYPE QUIT WHEN YOU ARE DONE.
Stupid Newbie: ph1
CPHackBot: SEARCHING FOR: “ph1” PLEASE WAIT…
Stupid Newbie: no
Stupid Newbie: quit
CPHackBot: (4) RESULTS FOUND FOR “ph1”. ph1 (#), phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh%%#
CPHackBot: SYSTEM ERROR: UNABLE TO PROCESS REQUEST.
CPHackBot: TRY AGAIN? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: n
CPHackBot: SEARCHING FOR: “ph1” PLEASE WAIT…
Stupid Newbie: NO
Stupid Newbie: stop
CPHackBot: SEARCH INTERRUPTED.
Stupid Newbie: search christmas scarf
CPHackBot: PLEASE ENTER THE NUMBER OF THE ITEM DESIRED OR TRY SEARCH AGAIN.
Stupid Newbie: PIN22
CPHackBot: PLEASE WAIT WHILE THE ITEM IS ADDED…
CPHackBot: (name not specified) (#no number given) HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR INVENTORY.
CPHackBot: PLEASE ENTER THE ITEM NUMBER DESIRED OR SEARCH OR TYPE QUIT WHEN YOU ARE DONE.
Stupid Newbie: quit
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: UNABLE TO PROCESS YOUR REQUEST.
CPHackBot: TRY AGAIN? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: y
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: ERROR IN LINE 45 (exe – session end).
CPHackBot: FATAL SYSTEM ERROR AT OBBF:998F.
Stupid Newbie: QUIT
CPHackBot: ::INITIATING BOOT SEQUENCE
CPHackBot: SESSION BEGIN::
CPHackBot: WELCOME TO CPHackBot V0.5
CPHackBot: HOW MAY CPHackBot HELP YOU TODAY? ITEMS / COINS?
Stupid Newbie: quit
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: ERROR IN LINE 69 (exe:CPHackBot.dll, sessionend termination;)
CPHackBot: FATAL SYSTEM ERROR AT 76BD:223A
CPHackBot: ::INITIATING BOOT SEQUENCE
CPHackBot: ERROR INITIATING BOOT SEQUENCE.
CPHackBot: UNABLE TO RETRIEVE CLIENT DATA.
Stupid Newbie: items
CPHackBot: PROCESSING YOUR REQUEST PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: WARNING: THE SYSTEM HAS BECOME UNSTABLE. PLEASE HIT ENTER TO RETURN TO WINDOWS.
Stupid Newbie: REGsys:{#1337=X^3}ENDreg
CPHackBot: PLEASE WAIT WHILE SYSTEM DIAGNOSTICS INITIALIZES.
CPHackBot: YOU ARE CURRENTLY RUNNING: WINDOWS 98 V1.33.7, G64X RENDERING CARD DETECTED, PENTIUM III 900MHZ PROCESSOR.
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT COMMAND:
Stupid Newbie: items
CPHackBot: COMMAND “items” NOT RECOGNIZED.
Stupid Newbie: hack
CPHackBot: COMMAND “hack” NOT RECOGNIZED.
Stupid Newbie: ive been scammed
CPHackBot: COMMAND “ive been scammed” NOT RECOGNIZED.
Stupid Newbie: :Run:SolitarEngine.exe-{ResetVAR}[X,Y,Z,C,V]=SolitarEngine.exe^9:end:
CPHackBot: INITIALIZING solit~1.exe PLEASE WAIT.
CPHackBot: SOLITAIRE. NEW GAME, LOAD GAME, OPTIONS, EXIT?
Stupid Newbie: hey
CPHackBot: COMMAND “hey” NOT RECOGNIZED.
Stupid Newbie signed off.

Stupid Newbie signed on.
Stupid Newbie: hello
CPHackBot: SYSTEM DIAGNOSTICS MENU
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT COMMAND
Stupid Newbie: :{INIcom}:Connect_192.168.1.105:Run”Phat075″{ENDcom} “IF”X=k^5 “THEN” “SENDPACKET:965;465;486;123;456;479;NUL”
CPHackBot: CONTACTING 192.168.1.105 PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: 192.168.1.105 ONLINE. CONNECTING TO 192.168.1.105 PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: CONNECTED TO http://www.pentagon.gov LOGGING IN USING CLIENT BATISTA1026
CPHackBot: PLEASE WAIT…
Stupid Newbie: what
Stupid Newbie: NO
Stupid Newbie: EXIT
CPHackBot: CONNECTION ESTABLISHED
Stupid Newbie: QUIT
CPHackBot: == WELCOME TO THE PENTAGON ==
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT YOUR COMMAND. 1) ACCESS FILES 2) ACCESS MILITARY CACHE 3) ACCESS SENATE CACHE 4) CLOSE CONNECTION
Stupid Newbie signed off.

Stupid Newbie signed on.
CPHackBot: == WELCOME TO THE PENTAGON ==
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT YOUR COMMAND. 1) ACCESS FILES 2) ACCESS MILITARY CACHE 3) ACCESS SENATE CACHE 4) CLOSE CONNECTION
Stupid Newbie signed off.

Stupid Newbie signed on.
CPHackBot: == WELCOME TO THE PENTAGON ==
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT YOUR COMMAND. 1) ACCESS FILES 2) ACCESS MILITARY CACHE 3) ACCESS SENATE CACHE 4) CLOSE CONNECTION
Stupid Newbie: [END:192.168.1.105] {TERMINATE} SOLITAReNGINE}
CPHackBot: PLEASE WAIT WHILE SOLITAIRE CLOSES.
CPHackBot: CLOSED SOLITAIRE
CPHackBot: == WELCOME TO THE PENTAGON ==
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT YOUR COMMAND. 1) ACCESS FILES 2) ACCESS MILITARY CACHE 3) ACCESS SENATE CACHE 4) CLOSE CONNECTION
Stupid Newbie signed off.

Stupid Newbie signed on.
CPHackBot: == WELCOME TO THE PENTAGON ==
CPHackBot: PLEASE INPUT YOUR COMMAND. 1) ACCESS FILES 2) ACCESS MILITARY CACHE 3) ACCESS SENATE CACHE 4) CLOSE CONNECTION
Stupid Newbie: exit
Stupid Newbie: 4
CPHackBot: DISCONNECTING FROM SERVER PENTAGON PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: ERROR DISCONNECTING FROM SERVER. CONNECTION FROZEN BY THIRD PARTY.
CPHackBot: ERROR DETAILS? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: QUIT
Stupid Newbie: Y
CPHackBot: CONNECTION SUSPENDED BY IP FBI.43.207.44 UNABLE TO DISCONNECT FROM HOST PENTAGON.
CPHackBot: TRY AGAIN? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: Y
CPHackBot: DISCONNECTING FROM SERVER PENTAGON PLEASE WAIT…
Stupid Newbie: EXIT EXIT EXIT QUIT
CPHackBot: ALERT: THIS CONNECTION IS CURRENTLY BEING TRACED BY A THIRD PARTY. UNABLE TO DISCONNECT FROM SERVER PENTAGON.
CPHackBot: ERROR DETAILS? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: EXIT
Stupid Newbie: N
Stupid Newbie: HELLO?
CPHackBot: TRY AGAIN? Y/N
Stupid Newbie: Y
Stupid Newbie: QUIT
CPHackBot: DISCONNECTING FROM SERVER PENTAGON PLEASE WAIT…
CPHackBot: ERROR DISCONNECTING FROM SERVER.
CPHackBot: MESSAGE SENT FROM FBI.43.207.44: YOU ARE UNDER ARREST DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LEAVE YOUR COMPUTER YOU ARE BEING TRACED.
Stupid Newbie: EXIT
Stupid Newbie signed off.

In his moments of sheer terror, Stupid Newbie logged off hoping to avoid the ominous “Welcome to the Pentagon” text, but to his dismay logging on brought it right back via the “hacking robot”. Still, one must wonder why he kept returning to the prompt when it quit working on him a half-dozen times. Wherever our aspiring hacker may be now, the feds are not after him, but maybe it made him think twice about dicking around with things he shouldn’t… plus of course I’ve got his in-game username so someone is in some serious trouble.

– Squirrel007 and Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

nes-bigfoottitleGame:
Bigfoot

Developer:
Acclaim

Genre:
Monster Truck Sim?

Platform:
NES

Released:
1990

In the late 80’s and early 90’s, monster trucks were literally the most awesome thing on the planet. The only thing more awesome than a monster truck would be a monster truck with dinosaurs on it. Fortunately, we had a fair compromise: a truck named after a mythical woodland beast. There’s nothing more Southern than a monster truck though, just the idea behind it is enough to get Jeff Foxworthy hard; get a truck and put the biggest wheels you can find on it… then run it over some cars, preferably the ones parked in your front yard that don’t have any wheels on them.

The NES was also incredibly popular in the late 80’s and early 90’s so you can see where this is going. Somewhere along the line someone got the wise idea to create a game about monster trucks featuring Bigfoot, the “king of the monster trucks.” This would be fine and dandy if it weren’t for the fact that Bigfoot is one of the worst abominations to be given the title “video game.” Bigfoot takes everything awesome about monster trucks, and strips it away to nothing more than a shitty button-masher with impossible AI.

The first thing you are going to notice is Bigfoot has the worst theme song out of any video game ever made in the last 30 years. Monster trucks need some kind of rock and roll or something… anything is better than the digitized hillbilly shit that plays from start to finish. The tunes and cuts that play before and after the races are just as horrid and are guaranteed to make your ears bleed and likely induce aneurisms.

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Bigfoot versus Nondescript Bigfoot Recolor

The object of the game is to literally get from Point A to Point B; you must go cross-country, east coast to west coast, smashing everything in your way and participating in various monster truck inspired events. There are two kinds of races. The first race is a side scrolling event where you crush cars, go through mud, climb hills, or participate in a tractor pull. It’s a nice idea and the graphics look decent until you press the A button expecting your truck to move. The A button is not the gas. Left is the gas. So is right. Yes, you heard me, in order to get your truck to move, you must press left and right constantly. The faster you press them, the more it revs the engine.

Not only is this form of control incredibly stupid it also gets tiring extremely fast. Worst of all these event races are “best 2 out of 3” and the CPU truck is bound to beat you at least once making you do all three races. Screwing around during these races will end up breaking your truck which costs money to fix. If you rev the engine too hard or too fast you’ll blow one bar of life from it, if you bounce off of cars erratically you’ll damage your shocks, if you’re gassing the engine and you try to shift gears, you’ll strip the gearbox, and finally I have yet to figure out why but your tires will randomly go flat. All of this costs money to fix, and since the CPU will most likely kick your ass in the races he will get the prize money and you will not be able to afford repairs and parts. Because of this, the CPU can afford to tear ass through the race and blow as much shit as it wants and fix the truck to perfect status afterwards.

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Can you even read these engine meters?

The second kind of race is a bird’s eye view race through the countryside which has become littered with flags, parked cars, broken piers, and trees. Somehow, crashing into the wall at full speed will not damage your truck at all but landing in the trees will cause it to violently shatter into a million pieces and subsequently cost you $500 to continue racing. If you can’t afford the cost, you’re out. This is the only surefire way to beat the CPU. Since it blows its money rather quickly you can smash them into the trees and get them disqualified letting you pick up all the money items and complete the race in first place.

Speaking of items there are a number of them thrown randomly around the race. There’s a suspension item that looks like fish bones which causes your truck to jump. This is ineffective since trying to jump over trees and obstacles will just force you to land in them. There are nitro boosts that really seem to have no effect as the screen will only scroll if you and the CPU are somewhere in the middle of the screen. Alongside these items is a saw blade that will pop out from the front of your truck that you can use to damage your opponent. Normally this is useless because the trucks have a stupidly high amount of health and will run away from the saw blade, usually hiding behind you where it’s impossible to hit them. To protect you from the CPU’s blade there is an invincibility item that doesn’t even have an icon. It’s just a gray box with four dots in it. It hardly lasts long enough to outlast the saw blade and it doesn’t protect you from trees. There are also wrench icons that refill your health, but normally these are placed in between clumps of trees, so trying to get them is stupid and you’ll be killed.

nes-bigfoot2

“B” is for Bigfoot. Also Bullshit.

To move around on this race you use the D-Pad. You can move side to side but when it comes to going forward and braking to avoid crap, there is no use. The screen will scroll at intermittent speeds depending on the location of the trucks. If the CPU is at the top of the screen and you are right behind it, the screen scrolls like you’re using nitro boosts. However, if you’re further behind the screen will move slow as hell and may even change speeds, which will cause you to end up in the goddamn trees or to miss a money item. If you get the CPU truck to go bankrupt during this race it will display as “GAME OVER” and you can finish the race solo and take as long as you like. Without a second truck the game screws up the scrolling, so the closer you get to the top, the faster it goes, but at the same time it pushes you back on the screen causing it to slow down at the same time.

Killing off trucks will bring in newcomers with a default cash threshold of $5,000. None of your opponent trucks have licensed names and instead are stupid generic names such as “The Growler”, “The Crusher”, “The Charger”, and “Terminator”. They are all solid color trucks and there’s no noticeable difference between them. By the time you successfully disqualify one truck you will have enough money to complete the rest of the game if you don’t screw up too badly. In fact, once you get enough money you can purposely throw event races and still win. I lost the Oyster Bay Championship to Terminator, but because I had fifty grand in points and over $20,000, the game did not care and still gave the title to me.

The end of the game is aggravating and is not worth the amount of blood, sweat, and tears you will put into this game. The end of the game is just a stereotypical cowboy posing next to the Bigfoot with 10 foot tall tires, all the while the horrible theme song plays again. No credits, no unlockables, no cut scenes, just a crappy still image and an even worse theme song. Fuck you Bigfoot, fuck you.

Overall this game is just an absolute piece of trash. Bigfoot had the potential to kick serious amounts of ass and Acclaim could not have hit any farther from the bullseye without coming closer on the opposite side. It’s a perfect failure, a mish-mash of the absolute worst horrid sounds and redneck porno music, bland visuals and color palettes that rival those of schools in the 1960’s, and game controls that would piss off even the most determined monster truck fan.

Defining Moment:
The theme song of the game. It sets the tone for the horrible torture you are about to endure if you do not heed its warning.

Graphics: 5/10
At least the trucks look like trucks and the graphics for the side to side races are not that bad. During these races when your truck takes damage in-game there will be visible changes to the truck on the screen. Tires will shrink, smoke will come up from the engine, and other effects such as wheelies and bouncing from crushed cars make for a nice show. Unfortunately the bird’s eye view races are extremely unattractive and barely anything looks the way it should.

Sound: 0/10
I can say that Bigfoot single handedly takes the cake for “worse NES soundtrack ever.” The theme song is some disgusting mix of country and what I can only assume is redneck hillbilly music, and the other assortment of jingles and fanfares are not much of an improvement. You will want to kill yourself after hearing this soundtrack.

Control: -Infinity/10
I honestly don’t know what the fuck they were thinking when they thought pressing left and right would be a good idea for a game. It’s tiring, hard, and frustrating to do on an NES controller, and joystick users may as well just give up. The top-down view races are pretty much auto-scrolling. Turning, accelerating, and braking are all nearly impossible and you may as well just set the controller down and let the CPU finish the race for you.

Mullet Points: 10/10
Nothing says “redneck” more than a monster truck video game, complete with horrid music to match. If you’ve ever played Bigfoot for the NES, you might be a redneck. I think I am going to go hang myself now.

– Dracaophile

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

Energy drinks are big business nowadays. It appears that mankind can’t function one day without a citrus kick in the gonads to get a running start for the day, everyday. Where I go, I see energy drink vending machines next to the soda dispensers, for twice the price of course. Since this really is a million-dollar market, there are a lot of copycats in the mix trying to make a quick buck.

Do these wannabes really have what it takes to call themselves “energy drinks”? Recently I bought nine different brands of drinks with the intent to give each of them a test drive on the Energy-O-Meter (trademark pending). Each of the nine beverages will be judged on five different criteria. Appearance, Ingredients, Smell, Taste, and the Energy I feel like I received from trying the drink. Over the course of three articles we will be trying all nine drinks, so for those of you who aren’t too sharp in math, that’s three drinks per article, adding up to nine. Joining me in my journey this time is RFSHQ forum user FpS ref1ex.

RFSHQ_noimage

“Everlast Nutrition”

Appearance: Everlast Nutrition comes in a 16oz can that looks like it escaped from a hardware store. Yellow and black, just like caution tape, which I’m hoping isn’t a serious warning. It almost looks like a battery, like a Duracell battery, and if I could power my car with this beast I would. It’s also “sugar free”, so it has to be dentist approved as well.

Ingredients: This drink, obviously, does not have sugar. So this defies “energy” since sugar makes most kids turn into atomic bombs. From what the can says, this isn’t just citrus flavored, it’s a blast of citrus flavor. But “blast” is not capitalized, so maybe it’s like, a “punch” of citrus… or maybe a “pat on the back” of citrus. The can has a warning that this 16oz can has as much caffeine as a cup of coffee… if coffee was served in 16oz cans I guess.

Smell: The second I opened this, it smelled like the grapefruit cart at Wal-Mart blew up at my desk. There is not really an offensive odor or any kind of terrible smell coming from the can, unless you really fucking hate grapefruit, in which case this drink will flip-kick your ass.

Taste: First off, you can taste the “not sugar” because it has that aftertaste hint of Diet Coke. It tastes like a cross between pure lemon juice, and pure lemon juice with a little bit of grapefruit, and then I guess pure lemon juice with Diet Coke. They really should have capitalized “blast” in the title since the first drink performed a Mexican hat dance on my tongue. If they didn’t want to capitalize “blast” and instead leave it lowercase they should have at least said something like “citrus hurricane katrina”.

Energy Received: The can says “quick reaction”, but upon finishing over half the can, I have yet to feel any kind of kick. I mean, I feel awake, but not awake as in “I’m going to run to Mexico” awake. Just the regular “I still probably won’t finish this article when I want to” awake.

Rating: 6/10

FpS reflex’s Verdict: It’s more of a pineapple with oranges smell to it. It smells pretty good, like an air freshener but not one of those cheap ass car ones, like a limousine air freshener. It tastes like a saltine cracker soaked in orange juice.

RFSHQ_noimage

“Clamato Energia”

Appearance: The name of the drink is in Spanish, and if Spanish candy has taught me anything, it’s that chili and salt are the equivalent of sugar. On a worse note, this drink is comprised of both tomatoes and clams. They may as well just combine pencil shavings and dog shit and call that a drink. The can tries its best to look “in your face” and up to date but it fails, unless of course this in regards to all the other weird Spanish drinks.

Ingredients: Tomatoes. Clams. Lime. Dear god.

Smell: The second the can depressurized, I was discouraged from continuing this article. The drink smells of ravioli sauce and black pepper and some other incredibly offensive ingredient which I can only guess is the clam; it kind of smells like a plate of shit that would be passed off as “food” in a very fancy restaurant. You know, the kind of meal that smells like a wet fart, but has about 18 pounds of mint on top to cover up the fact that it smells like a wet fart. The problem is that this doesn’t have 18 pounds of mint to go with it.

Taste: I took one sip of this drink and threw up a bit in my mouth. It tastes like a cheap store brand alphabet soup with a load of pepper and if someone took a piss in it. By the time I finished that sentence, the horrible aftertaste kicked in, which tasted like the way a public bathroom smells. I couldn’t manage a second drink at all, and I hope that no one else has to put themselves through this horrible episode. Ever.

Energy Received: Enough energy to get up and run to the bathroom to dry heave a few times.

Rating: FUCK YOU MEXICO.

FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: No.

RFSHQ_noimage

“Recon”

Appearance: This has to be the official drink of the United States Army. In fact, you could lose this can if you went out in the woods because this thing would blend right in. This drink must be rugged since its camo-paint job implies that this is the manly outdoorsman’s drink. It’s got an extra tall can for maximum, uh, not dropping it I suppose. This can also boasts that it will “invigorate” me, and other big words that I don’t quite understand that well. One thing I do understand is “sugar free”.

Ingredients: Right off the bat this can tells you that it has “extreme” caffeine in it. Extreme, like the 1990’s forgot about this drink because since then everything is extreme. It’s also coffee and cola flavored so that’s a double whammy of drinks that keep you up all night, all in one can. So we’re looking at a drink right now that’s made for the office secretary that is also a hardcore gamer at night.

Smell: You know how when you go into Wal-Mart to buy a 12-pack of Coke, how there’s always that one pack that the ADHD Mexican kid ripped apart and break danced on? Take that kid and his soda into the freshly grown coffee bean aisle, and have him go insane there. It smells like coffee from far away, but up close it’s really a can of Coke in disguise.

Taste: Take that Mexican kid’s Coke away and replace it with Diet Coke, because this has the same weird aftertaste. The coffee part doesn’t stand out as much as the can made it sound like, so it’s like Diet Coke with those Cappuccino Jelly Belly candies floating around in there.

Energy Received: I wish I could say that I feel like cutting down a tree with an axe, or shooting up terrorists… or shooting up terrorists while cutting down a tree, but this drink just doesn’t do it for me.

Rating: 3/10

FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: It smells like very strong coffee grounds but sounds like it has the fizz of a soda. I hate coffee so I’m not taking a drink.

 

Out of these three, the Everlast one would be the most beneficial to anyone looking for a quick energy fix. If you’re looking to lose the pounds you gained while eating dinner go for the Clamato; and if you want to look like a real American hero in front of your buddies at the hunting lease, take a 6-pack of Recon with you.

I don’t think I quite understand or comprehend the danger I have just subjected myself to, but we will find out in good time with the next two articles. Stay tuned.

– Dracophile and FpS ref1ex

[Editor’s Note: This is a previously unreleased article from RFSHQ.com and its original publication date is an estimation based upon a retrieved backup.]

Before RFSHQ was a thing some of us got together and made some edited screenshots of Crimson Room. Crimson Room had a sequel, Viridian Room, so we decided to follow suit and make some images from this game as well now that we have a platform to do so.

viridianroom_AndyMMedia2

AndyMMedia finds the only use for this tired meme.

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animereaper‘s hobbies include cultural insensitivity.

viridianroom_Kurisu

Kurisu is able to predict the subjects of Roastmaster’s articles years in advance.

viridianroom_Kurisu4

Kurisu just recently found out about fchan.

viridianroom_mean2u

mean2u breaks the fourth wall and goes for a “yo dawg”.

viridianroom_RadioFSoftware_003

Dracophile likes to reuse old jokes.

viridianroom_RadioFSoftware3

Dracophile should consult a walkthrough for this game.

viridianroom_RadioFSoftware5_000

Dracophile has been hitting that “dank viridian”.

viridianroom_RadioFSoftware6

Wrong game, Dracophile.

viridianroom_StAnger

StAnger isn’t really about subtlety.

– The RFSHQ Forums

“Forget the digits, just get the three dubs” is what DJ Runaway and the “Kings Of MySpace” have to say regarding the “new age” of hooking up with girls. You can skip sounding like a complete nervous wreck on her answering machine and instead send her wonderful stalker-esque emails; but really, if I was a girl, I’d be more willing to put out for a guy who personally calls me, even if every other word is “uh”, rather than some loser I met at a party who abbreviates every single word (including abbreviations) he sends me.

But seriously though, have you ever bothered to look at the “average” MySpace account? Your average female MySpace addict has a background that consists of a bright pink animated heart GIF about 800 kilobytes in size and tiled. If that wasn’t bad enough, the info boxes on her page are bright green with a black border and yellow size 72 Comic Sans MS font with 12 point font spacing. In laymen’s terms: im-fucking-possible to read, even if you tried. On top of that, all of “~*~*~*sExYgUrL6969*~*~*~”‘s friends like posting image comments that are beyond desktop sized images. I really think posting forty-eight 8000 x 5000 images from the homecoming party is an excellent idea.

The fun doesn’t end there though, because this cheerleader is a complete fan of Aaron Carter, so not only is one of his ear piercing songs embedded into the HTML of the page, the MySpace music player is also playing a song, and wouldn’t you know she also has about 20 YouTube music videos that are all playing at the same time. Thanks a fucking lot, you froze my computer and probably gave it severe mental trauma in the process. How someone on AOL’s crappy dialup can even view your MySpace page is beyond all comprehensible logic. There are holes cut in the space-time continuum made special for you and your top 8 friends (and the other 56,328,450 you don’t care about) to view your wonderful train wreck of a profile.

When the Internet was first born, the “scum” of the Internet was the abundant mess of GeoCities and Homestead Pokemon fansites made by 10 year olds. You know what I’m talking about; those sites with the bright blue backgrounds and the unbearably large and off center logo with the bright yellow text on the page, to imitate the Pokemon font. Don’t tell me you don’t remember those sites, because we all had one whether you admit to it or not. Your “favorite” images and Gameshark cheat codes were just thrown all over the page and you had that incredibly optimistic 8 digit web counter that never made it above 100.

Nobody would have guessed that the target demographic of shitty websites would have moved from 10 year old anime fans to high school cheerleaders. You’d think at age 16 you’d be able to understand that your MySpace looks like 1996 took a baseball bat to it. That scares me that someone who doesn’t realize that their MySpace could be considered a form of cyber-terrorism is allowed to drive on the same road as I do. Someone who doesn’t realize that having to scroll in twenty different directions just to view one image could very well be someone taking my order the next time I eat at a restaurant.

And god damn it, if I order that hamburger and it comes out looking like a complete mess, like your MySpace, I am going to get your “three dubs” and shove them up your ass.

– Dracophile

I’m a big guy. I weigh 200 pounds and I wear XL sized shirts. In the next few years my metabolism will slow down and if I keep acting the way I do I might become a lardass. (Not likely, but whatever. It makes a good premise to this mess and I’m out of ideas.) From the same depths of humanity where that White Overnite sample came from, I’ve received some sample “Nutrisystem Nourish” foods.

For those not in the know, Nutrisystem is a new kind of balanced “diet” that — by looking at the ingredients — is primarily soy. In large doses, soy is know to give men slightly larger boobs because it has some form of women hormones in it. So if I have to start wearing A-cups because of this damn article then I won’t be too happy, but I had it coming. In this update I will be sampling three Nutrisystem products and giving my honest review of them. Here goes nothing.

M3367S-4504

“Pretzels”

I love pretzels, okay? It’s God’s gift to mankind for us to figure out how to make pretzels. In fact Jesus actually showed up in some bakery and said to this one guy “Hey if you twist this bread like this, bake it, and throw salt on it, you’ll be a millionaire!” I believe that because it’s true. So, Nutrisystem has pretzels too and I was pretty excited to hear this. I got the bag, looked it over, but was disappointed to see it was made of soy. It can’t be that bad, so I cracked it open and took a look.

M3367S-4504

What in the wide world of extreme sports…

Exactly what the hell are these things and what are they doing in this bag? These are not pretzels. These are some kind of weird-ass machine-formed insult to the bakery world with salt on them, if it even is salt. I cautiously put one in my mouth and chewed it up. I can’t describe the taste of this. It’s not good, but it doesn’t make my innards want to explode in a colorful mix of inhumanity. It’s like the taste of stale bread that’s been blasted with a load of rock salt. Even worse, Nutrisystem labels these as “Dessert”. No, pretzels are food, they are a meal because I said so, and they are the leaders of the snack world.

While discomforting to eat, it’s slightly enjoyable. If the rest of the food in this thing are as average of this, then anyone wanting to try this out really has nothing to worry about.

Rating: 7/10

M3367S-4504

“Crispy Nacho Soy Snackers”

I can’t be certain what these exactly are supposed to be. On the bag they look like some kind of bastardized potato chip… but potatoes do not exist in Nutrisystem Land. Like the Pretzels, these “snackers” are also made of soy. I am beginning to think someone messed with the Nutrisystem delivery trucks if all they have is soy and imitation salts. Since cheese is fatty, I really don’t want to know what the cheese in this is made out of. I cautiously opened the bag of chips and poured some out onto the playing field.

M3367S-4504

Almost all of the bag.

Words escape me. These look like the most disgusting pieces of food I have ever eaten. They resemble small circular replicas of a Dungeons & Dragons nerd’s face, minus the grease because this is supposed to be healthy. I nervously put one in my mouth and chewed it up. My tongue was immediately assaulted with a hard crispy wafer of pain delivered in the form of fake cheese substitutes. In the name of comedy I took another bite, trying to ignore the Dungeons & Dragons reference I made earlier. The taste would not leave my mouth, normally I’d get a Coke but that would defeat the purpose of “diet”.

If Satan’s soul were to be transformed into a “consumable good”, this would be it.

Rating: 2/10

M3367S-4504

“Whole Wheat Melba Toast”

Melba toast resembles a piece of bread that was hit by a steamroller and then left to harden, and then to harden a second time. Just by feeling it through the package I assumed what was in here was an edible doorstop. I don’t exactly know what kind of “meal” a package of Melba toast is. Maybe it’s a snack. A very unappetizing and boring looking snack. I believe the purpose of Nutrisystem is not to make you eat their food, but to discourage you from eating food altogether.

M3367S-4504

I broke a tooth.

I broke the toast, and it was like a very hard cracker. I popped the piece into my mouth, and wasn’t expecting much flavor. The saliva in my mouth was immediately sucked dry by the demonic bread cracker. I tried chewing it up, but it had the texture of a soggy Triscuit cracker which, for those who don’t know, feels like a mouthful of dental floss. It was disgusting and it tasted of old cardboard boxes. The unflavored bread was kicking the crap out of my mouth, so I ran to the bathroom and spit it out and drank a glass of water to fix the damage it caused.

Forget what I said about the Soy Snackers. This is the embodiment of Satan.

Rating: 1/10

Join us next time when I will subject myself to three more items of pain from the Nutrisystem menu!

– Dracophile

Something many of you reading this may not know about RFSHQ is that we run our own image hosting service, UpUrs. Since these images all go into folders that administrators can see, and since there’s a very specific group of people who generally read this crap, this has resulted in some rather interesting uploads. Below is a collection of some of the weirdest context-less crap that’s been dumped onto our server.

upurs_1

This is the most horrifying thing in the world.

upurs_billnye

What did Bill Nye ever do to you? Prove the existence of dinosaurs?

upurs_BRBFBI

FBI indeed. Thanks a lot you furry asshole.

upurs_doetcokepepsi

Nobody has ever been this mad at Diet Coke. Ever.

upurs_dollar

This is probably something illegal.

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Is this fanart? You decide!

upurs_lifestory

What a fascinating life story.

upurs_lostark

WARNING: SWAG OVERLOAD

upurs_miniclip

I don’t know what this is but I hope someone was banned for it.

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UpUrs: It’s pretty much fchan.

upurs_playboar

That’s it, UpUrs is closed forever.

– The RFSHQ Forums