[Editor’s Note: Portions of this article were originally written as a part of RFSHQ.com’s lineup on December 10th, 2004 (”Humpy Humpy Dinos”). Excerpts have been modified and new content has been added to it since its original posting.]
Furries. I say one word and instantly you’re either intrigued or disgusted (or other words not appropriate for this article). “Furry” is a subculture of the Internet with an innocent side that’s completely overshadowed by the overwhelmingly gargantuan portion of the fandom that is riddled with bizarre fetishes and costumes with holes in very peculiar places. I can tell you with a straight face that I know some of the cleaner furries and I know just as many if not more of the “darker” ones and frankly I don’t care either way. Whatever floats your boat, yeah? Lots of furs like to claim that “it’s not about the adult stuff” but, yeah, it kind of is. Saying that furry isn’t about the adult artwork is like saying you go to McDonalds just because you like the napkins; you aren’t fooling anybody. I don’t have a problem with furries, some of them are pretty nice but it’s the socially awkward ones you have to watch out for.
In a very early article I wrote for RFSHQ that later became arguably one of the website’s “Greatest Hits” I detailed my misadventures in the public schooling system with a particular furry. I knew he was a furry just from looking at him, if you can believe that. People have that 6th sense (a.k.a. a “gaydar”) to know when someone is gay, well there’s also another 6th sense where you can guess if someone is into furry stuff just by looking at them and this guy fit the bill. I mean no ill-intent, but he stumbled over words, was socially shy, and looked kinda… well, strange. Perhaps the biggest giveaway, though, was that he sat around and drew Digimon all the time.
He was a nice guy with a pleasant demeanor and he was good at what he drew. Really good. He’d spend 30 minutes on a sketch and you’d shit yourself thinking it was official artwork. To further drive this point home he drew me a bunch of dragons in various poses because I had trouble with the anatomy of arms and legs; the reference work he let me have was amazing. Despite all of this I never really made an effort to get too close to him because he was always kind of overbearing about this furry nonsense. He never directly said anything but it was completely obvious as things went on; when someone shows you a drawing of Renamon that’s basically two circles and a line away from being XXX you know there’s something funny going on. Perhaps he thought I shared that personality trait which is why he consulted me for advice and critique on his art but in all honesty I could have done without seeing all of that Digimon smut during high school.
One fateful day in 2002 I was leaving my history class and walking towards the front of the school. This fellow was also in the same hallway on the opposite side. He was about ten steps in front of me and I wasn’t going to make any effort to start a conversation; I just minded my own business. He dropped his short stack of things, the top of which was crowned by his drawing notebook, and upon hitting the ground everything inside of it cascaded out like a rainbow shooting out of a pot of gold… except instead of a rainbow and a pot of gold it was more like a stream of furry porn shooting out of a notebook containing more furry porn. I just kept walking and inevitably I caught up with him and glanced over as he fervently shuffled his things together and smack on the top of the stack of drawings was an image that was instantly burned into my retinas.
It was a pencil drawing of two Tyrannosaurus rexes making whoopee.
How do you react to THAT? I don’t think I reacted at all, I just froze in place because I was terrified that he’d be made aware of my presence and the last thing I needed was him stalking me and showing me dinosaur porn constantly. Somehow, though, he was alerted to my location by some noise or motion that I can’t quite remember. What I do remember was how he suddenly stopped shuffling his papers on the floor and glanced over at me standing by the wall. He stared at me for what seemed like an hour and me not knowing how to even react to this just stared back. I snapped out of the trance and bolted from the hallway and the rest of my high school life from then on was peppered with Digimon and Yu-Gi-Oh drawings. Joy.
By now you’re probably wondering what’s up with me rejecting the drawings when my username clearly dictates that my appropriate response would have been to beat him up, take the drawing notebook, and run. Well let me just put it this way: that’s something you don’t do in public. There is a time and place for that kinda business and “after school in the history hallway” is wrong on both counts. Plus he was spoiled by Digimon and really liked to draw anthropomorphic characters… and I don’t like my dragons like that. I’m dropping some big words on you now, so here’s a handy diagram:
When did this article become about my preferences in dragons? That’s strange. Can we talk about furries again because that’s what I really wanted to do here.
In a more recent twist of events at the university I attend I stumbled upon another furry completely on accident. I’m a Journalism major which means that I like to write and I’m pretty good at it (case in point) and because of that choice I take many writing classes at school. Writing classes bring out all sorts of strange people, folks that seem kind of… off. You can tell they’re odd because they don’t speak or act the same way as regular student do, and yet again my furry radar (Furrydar?) was going off on this one person I share a newswriting class with. He’s a little more creepy than dinosaur boy because every so often in class he’ll look at me, and not like a glance either. He tends to hold a gaze, and I can see him out of my peripherals and that’s unsettling. I don’t know what his infatuation is though, because I hardly talk to him. Either he is assuming something about me or maybe I’m just good looking.
An assignment required me to attend some recent university events and write little excerpts about them using certain news formats. I attended this panel of guest speakers in the field of business and things were fine; then he showed up… and sat right next to me. I can be friendly and I can superficially chit-chat with somebody no problem. This, however, would be my folly.
Furries have this underground “symbol” some of them wear to communicate to others that they like doing unmentionable things in mascot costumes. That symbol, appropriately enough, is a paw print. This tidbit of information was something lost in my head so while I was filling the clock with mindless chatter (because otherwise it was silence with him looking at me) I made the mistake of looking at his keyring and asking about a specific keychain.
“Did you graduate from [name of a high school near where I grew up]?” I asked.
He gave me a puzzled look. “No… why?”
“Oh, your keychain, the paw print. That’s their logo, I thought maybe you went to school there,” I replied.
He grinned just a bit. “Oh, that’s an ‘internet thing’,” he said.
Then that missing piece of stray information hit me right in the face and I had one of those internal “fuck me” moments. My initial hunch was right and now that I think of it my book bag has a pretty generous helping of little dragons and alligators hanging off of it. He is probably assuming I’m a furry and that is exactly why he has been giving me those soul piercing looks from the other side of the lecture room. I’m no furry, but I was at a standstill; if I acknowledge the meaning of that keychain then this staring nonsense isn’t going to get better… but likewise if I play stupid he might start playing 20 Questions with me. Mercifully the (late) guest speakers started their presentation so he shut up and I took my required notes for the assignment and left.
This story has no ending, though, because come Monday he’s likely going to be in class and the cycle begins again.
The Internet is great for a lot of things, the largest being the ability to connect with others around the world. Such was the case with an old friend of mine in the early 00’s. In 1999, BattleBots was released on Comedy Central and I was a huge fan. I was all over the message boards and a couple of communities where I’d chat with others about the show and share designs and whatnot; geeky fan stuff. I won’t release his name (or screenname) for his own sake, but a particular friend of mine had convinced me to download MSN Messenger which was pretty basic and primitive back in those days. You could use some really ugly emoticons and send files but they didn’t have thumbnail previews like they do now. Now that I think of it, thumbnail previews are the second best part of the Internet and any kind of application that uses the Internet.
One fateful morning in early 2002 I was talking to this fine and upstanding fellow. The guy was pretty bright, he knew all sorts of technical info about robotics and animatronics. At the time I was 14 or 15 years old, I’d place him at around 17 or 18; the details these days are a little foggy. We were discussing ideas and blueprints just like any other day. I had scrawled down some cheesy ideas for some kind of overloaded robot with chainsaws; stupid crap that’s physically impossible to make but looks totally awesome on paper. He and I chatted about “Totaler”, the idea I had sent him, and then he said he had an “awesome design” he wanted to send my way.
He loaded up the image into MSN Messenger for me to accept, which I did. Thanks to our fabulous ISP CompuServe (read: America Online) we had blazing fast dial-up Internet access. Literally a half hour later this oddly large image was done transferring so I navigated to the folder in My Documents where all of my MSN Messenger transfers are dumped to. I sorted the images by date and found his at the top of the list and eagerly double-clicked the file to open it up in Paint. When my extremely robust eMachines PC finally opened the image I was greeted with a desktop sized picture — unfortunately it wasn’t a BattleBot design. What blasted me in the face can only be described as something from the bowels of the Internet itself.
Amy Rose Hedgehog being double penetrated by Sonic and Shadow the Hedgehog.
It was the worst BattleBot design ever.
The image is forever burned into my retinas. When I close my eyes to sleep at night, this is what I see. My personal hell would be this image tiled across every wall in my house. If I was captured by Jigsaw and locked in a crazy puzzle maze, this would be the terror I was running from. Every childhood memory that I ever had in my head was just shit on, eaten alive, and then shit on again that very moment. This exists.
Of all the people I knew, this was least expected to come from him. Figuring this had to be some kind of sick joke I played along.
“Yeah, Sonic and Shadow giving it to Amy really looks like a great design,” I said.
Apparently my buddy was under the assumption that he honestly sent me his design, because he replied with a simple and dumbfounded “what”. When I told him he had just sent me hardcore Sonic the Hedgehog pornography instead of a BattleBot design, he began apologizing profusely and telling me it was a joke. That’s when it hit me that my good friend here made an honest mistake and sent me porn instead of what he intended, and not the good kind of porn either. The rest of the conversation was incredibly awkward; he later sent the real file but there wasn’t a whole lot of discussion going on anymore. Afterwards I think I only ever talked to him a few more times before he vanished into Internet thin air.
Believe it or not, this was the first time the Internet had raped my childhood (and it wasn’t the last either). Naturally I was shocked and amused at the same time. I told my offline friends the story and we came up with the idea to put it into video form. I made a fake DVD case and “The Sonic the Hedgehog Pornographic DVD” skit was filmed, along with a few other related shorts filmed in the same fashion as a few early episodes of the Radio F Show project. The original DVD prop we used for the videos is the oldest prop still around from the early days of our filming.
If for some strange reason you’ve been following me around all these years old pal, this one’s for you.
[Editor’s Note: The DVD prop referenced in this article made a couple of cameos in Twilight Foundry videos in the late 00’s and was later retired from use when it was gifted to Foundry alumna Cosmic Audino.]
“Forget the digits, just get the three dubs” is what DJ Runaway and the “Kings Of MySpace” have to say regarding the “new age” of hooking up with girls. You can skip sounding like a complete nervous wreck on her answering machine and instead send her wonderful stalker-esque emails; but really, if I was a girl, I’d be more willing to put out for a guy who personally calls me, even if every other word is “uh”, rather than some loser I met at a party who abbreviates every single word (including abbreviations) he sends me.
But seriously though, have you ever bothered to look at the “average” MySpace account? Your average female MySpace addict has a background that consists of a bright pink animated heart GIF about 800 kilobytes in size and tiled. If that wasn’t bad enough, the info boxes on her page are bright green with a black border and yellow size 72 Comic Sans MS font with 12 point font spacing. In laymen’s terms: im-fucking-possible to read, even if you tried. On top of that, all of “~*~*~*sExYgUrL6969*~*~*~”‘s friends like posting image comments that are beyond desktop sized images. I really think posting forty-eight 8000 x 5000 images from the homecoming party is an excellent idea.
The fun doesn’t end there though, because this cheerleader is a complete fan of Aaron Carter, so not only is one of his ear piercing songs embedded into the HTML of the page, the MySpace music player is also playing a song, and wouldn’t you know she also has about 20 YouTube music videos that are all playing at the same time. Thanks a fucking lot, you froze my computer and probably gave it severe mental trauma in the process. How someone on AOL’s crappy dialup can even view your MySpace page is beyond all comprehensible logic. There are holes cut in the space-time continuum made special for you and your top 8 friends (and the other 56,328,450 you don’t care about) to view your wonderful train wreck of a profile.
When the Internet was first born, the “scum” of the Internet was the abundant mess of GeoCities and Homestead Pokemon fansites made by 10 year olds. You know what I’m talking about; those sites with the bright blue backgrounds and the unbearably large and off center logo with the bright yellow text on the page, to imitate the Pokemon font. Don’t tell me you don’t remember those sites, because we all had one whether you admit to it or not. Your “favorite” images and Gameshark cheat codes were just thrown all over the page and you had that incredibly optimistic 8 digit web counter that never made it above 100.
Nobody would have guessed that the target demographic of shitty websites would have moved from 10 year old anime fans to high school cheerleaders. You’d think at age 16 you’d be able to understand that your MySpace looks like 1996 took a baseball bat to it. That scares me that someone who doesn’t realize that their MySpace could be considered a form of cyber-terrorism is allowed to drive on the same road as I do. Someone who doesn’t realize that having to scroll in twenty different directions just to view one image could very well be someone taking my order the next time I eat at a restaurant.
And god damn it, if I order that hamburger and it comes out looking like a complete mess, like your MySpace, I am going to get your “three dubs” and shove them up your ass.
The date is sometime in May 2005.
I woke up, browsed some websites, and saw there was a former member of the KKK who had recently been arrested, Edgar Killen. The convicted person depicted in the image looked all too familiar to me though.
“The Six Flags Guy?” I said to myself. I loved that mascot. He was so out of place and energetic. You hated him and loved him at the same time.
The day this happened unfortunately fell into the time period when I played around on the popular YTMND website and within seconds I had already thrown together an incredibly stupid YTMND pointing out the extreme similarities between “Mr. Six” and Edgar Killen. I thought it was a stupid joke.
I thought differently when a friend later sent me a link to my own YTMND and said it was “the funniest shit ever” and that I had to see it. I told him I made it, and to check the author box. Sure enough, yes it was in fact me. I was informed that the YTMND had spread like crazy and a Google search of “sixflagskkk.ytmnd.com” yielded many, many results. In one week the site skyrocketed to the #31 Most Viewed YTMND of all time, just one rank short of being on the first page of top viewed YTMNDs. People had begun to make parodies of the work too such as the site sixeightbit.ytmnd.com, an 8-bit remix of the original.
It was fun to see my work being spread around like that, true Internet ad-nausea. My friends and I all joked about it until the owner of YTMND got “The Letter”. “The Letter” was a name given to the cease and desist sent out by the Six Flags company demanding all YTMNDs featuring the mascot be removed immediately. Unfortunately, YTMND complied and the original version of my site is no more. I re-registered the domain so no one would snipe it, and replaced it with a futile ad for my website, hoping what was left of the popularity would drive visitors to RFSHQ.
Later that year, shortly after the YTMND had run its course, Mr. Six was retired from the main Six Flags ad campaign. I had unknowingly put a bullet in the head of my favorite mascot. My stupid joke killed Mr. Six. In all honesty I wasn’t trying to harm anybody; it was a dumb joke. Maybe it was a little too popular of a joke, but a dumb one nonetheless. Maybe Mr. Six was already on his way out, but this sudden spike in attention didn’t really seem to help his case.
I’m not proud for what I did. The Internet is a mean place.
R.I.P. Mr. Six. :c
– Dracophile[Editor’s Note: In the years following this publication Six Flags has since reinstated Mr. Six as their theme park’s mascot and has featured him in new commercials and merchandise.]
[Editor’s Note: This is a collection comprised of multiple “collections” from the Law For Kids series.]
RFSHQ forum member Nightbringer posted an open submissions thread about the Law For Kids comics where he removed the text bubbles and let the forum go crazy with it. It took off like a rocket and here’s what came out of it. (Additional content from other Law For Kids posts follows ranging from the best of the series to the absolute worst.)
– The RFSHQ Forums
I get a lot of spam emails now that my email address is plastered on forums and my profile… so spam bots pick it up and send me awesome deals that would cater to me if I was male or female. Well, I don’t quite have any use for all natural tits enhancement but I shouldn’t worry, I will get an equal amount of emails for penis enhancement too. This brings us to the subject of today’s article:
Wee Wee Grow.
Yes, the new miracle wang pill that offers “PERMANENTRESULTS” and also a side of “Wigiwigi”. The company who manufactures Wee Wee Grow is obviously trying to aim for the younger demographic, anyone who still laughs at the word “wee wee”. I think I fall into that category actually, and probably you do too for laughing at the fact that someone is stooping low enough to call the pill “Wee Wee Grow”.
It’s too bad none of these actually work… I’d love to see an actual bottle in a store labeled “Wee Wee Grow”. I mean, it would take some balls to buy some pills in person (because face it, if you’re buying dick pills, all you have is balls). However, it would take balls of steel to buy something called “Wee Wee Grow”. It would take balls… as big as apples.
[Editor’s Note: “Balls as big as apples” was a short-lived catchphrase on RFSHQ borrowed from the site’s in-house web series The Radio F Show.]
This is unofficially the first ever RFSHQ Photophile picture, I just never got around to using it. Back in the day (2003) I didn’t have many priorities, I was just chillin’ on the Internet being myself. I was enjoying lots of novelty things and one of the things I used to waste time on were these little webcams that were dubbed “ghostcams”. People like to think they can capture little oddities on camera and claim them as ghosts.
Do I call BS or not? That’s a tough decision, my own thoughts clash with it. However sometimes there are just things that are so totally outrageous and dumb it is screaming “joke” when people take it seriously. One of these is some “haunted abandoned hospital webcam”. In fact, that very same site is still in operation. You can catch it at http://www.researchwebcam.com.
[Editor’s Note: Research Webcam has since closed since this article’s initial publication.]
I used to watch it off and on while waiting for downloads to finish. Nowadays I have DSL so I don’t need to be occupied with other stuff while downloads go. There are cameras in this building, so obviously there has to be someone to monitor the place, I mean, after all there’s computers and equipment still in there. Occasionally the tech crew will be seen on the camera (they are not the ghosts of patients who know how to use computers). They usually check late at night when they figure no one is watching. Note the time stamp on the bottom right, almost 11PM.
Nothing exciting ever happens. RFSHQ forum administrator toAst almost shit himself when some raccoon showed up on the camera since the site says he only comes around once a year. Other than that, nothing. Ever. Until I caught this. I almost was unable to save it due to the 15 second refresh script because I was laughing too hard. He’s just scratching his ass, but he has his whole hand down his pants.
It wouldn’t have been as funny if say, he just had his hand on his ass but he actually has, as you can see, his entire hand on his ass, behind his pants. That raccoon might be a once a year deal, but this unknown e-celebrity now, this is a once in a lifetime event. And it was made possible because his ass itched. Thanks Research Webcam.
I have a big vocabulary. I also have lots of stupid AOL CDs laying around that I throw or use as coasters. However, one day I got one in the mail with one of my last issues of Game Informer (that thing from GameStop) and it was bundled with a fucking AOL CD. How low is that?
Sometimes the little passwords they give to you are pretty stupid or funny in a way. Usually they are only worth a chuckle, however I came across one that prompted actual laugher out of me. It’s circled in the image above. Just the first word, not the second. “Cloaca”. I was 99% sure I knew what that was, and I was thinking “No way, why in the hell would they put that on there?” So, I looked it up, and sure enough, I was right.
For those of you who don’t know, a cloaca is “the common cavity into which the intestinal, genital, and urinary tracts open in vertebrates such as fish, reptiles, birds, and some primitive mammals.” In other words, a fish’s asshole.
America Online put the scientific term for an asshole on their CDs. You’d think anything remotely suggestive they’d remove from their dictionary program. Then again, since this is the Internet, people get off to all sorts of things, so the only word left in the dictionary would be… you know what, for once I am stumped. I can’t find anything that someone wouldn’t consider erotic. Fuck the internet.[i]7J-7658-8429
Free internet you guys. Well, for 1175 hours at least.
~Adventures of Team Nigga Awesome-O Genius Nigga Go!!!!!, The was a short-lived webcomic created by Cyko Vision, better known as “toAst” at RFSHQ. The comic focused on the fictional exploits of the trolling group “Team Nigga” and their antagonistic actions within a Sonic the Hedgehog fan community. The comic was designed to “bend” the rules of the community and to be as intrusive, annoying, and offensive as possible within reason. The name of the comic was devised in such a way so that the leading tilde (~) would ensure the name of the comic would always appear at the top of an alphabetical list, and if the character was removed the word “Adventures” would ensure placement on the first page of results.
The comic abruptly ended after seven installments when the group ceased to exist. The comic series follows the group’s journey to defeat an evil Eddie Murphy, Drew Carey, pimp George W. Bush, and the Aggro Crag.
– Cyko Vision