Cogito ergo sum is a Latin phrase that means “I write, therefore I’m broke”. Writing is about the only thing you can be good at and never make a dime doing it unless you’re incredibly lucky or simply know how to “play the game”.

What is this “the game” you might ask? Hell if I know. Maybe it’s softball; maybe it’s shuffleboard. Maybe it’s solo synchronized swimming. There is no surefire way to learn “the game” but there are a hell of a lot of places out there that want you to believe that you can do it and make a zillion bucks a day and that it’s a legitimate business. To an extent it is a legitimate field of work but there’s a big secret behind the charade that everybody who is telling you how to make money online and be successful doesn’t want to actually tell you. It’s the secret to playing “the game”, like knowing when to tilt a pinball machine or knowing exactly where all of the hidden 1UP’s are in Super Mario Bros. Yes, I will tempt fate and the angry fat fingers of dozens of successful “making money online” moguls and reveal their big secret (hint: it’s at the end of the article). Honestly, though, I don’t care if I piss them off; what are they going to do to me, shoot me with money?

Ha. Money shot. GatorAIDS: Classy high-brow humor since 2009.

But first, here’s some debunking of their “popular advice”:

 

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What they say: This tip comes in a lot of different flavors. One person might tell you to write with your readers in mind, another will tell you that “content is king”, and furthermore someone else will tell you that you should always write what you think your audience wants to read even if it’s not your forte. They then normally follow this advice with the brain-melting suggestion “also put Google AdSense on your blog” (but don’t because Google is just a bunch of cocks). Basically what they’re trying to convey to you is simple: develop a niche and write for it. If you write for a certain audience then you will end up attracting readers, this is simply basic logic.

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Fact: AdSense has exactly one feature: BULLSHIT.

Why it’s bullshit: Because they’re just stating the obvious. “Write for an audience.” Fuck you. It doesn’t matter what you write, if you write so much as a single sentence you’re writing with an audience in mind; you are always writing with a specific audience in mind even if it’s yourself because there are other people out there with similar interests. It is absolutely impossible to write something that does not have an audience unless you’re writing for GatorAIDS. Everything has an audience and I dare you to prove me otherwise. You can write a personal interpretation of a random verse in the Bible or you can write a manifesto about why you feel that we should make it illegal to open anymore Piggly Wiggly stores in the US and there will be people who will find your article and agree with you. Always. You can write a My Little Pony fanfiction peppered with scat and latex fetishes where the main character is Hitler in pony form who can fire physical manifestations of Justin Bieber songs out of his dick and you will still find readers.

Someone telling you to be the “king” of your own content is empowering, and that’s why they say it; it’s a phrase to build you up so that you will feel like you’ll be number one and you’ll be getting all of the hot e-bitches at your doorstep in no time. At the same time however they’re also giving you advice without actually having given you anything at all. You already knew you had to create content based upon what people want to read, but hearing it from someone else just validates your thoughts so the person who is telling it to you seems smart. It’s called “confirmation bias” and it’s a load of bullshit.

 

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What they say: Not only should you write with your audience in mind but you should write to incorporate buzzwords into your articles or submissions that will get picked up by search engines. You should also utilize the “alternate text” function for your images. There’s a whole business built around this nonsense and it’s called “SEO” or “Search Engine Optimization” (or “Stupid E-Business Operations” depending on who you ask). The idea is that when you set up a website “the right way” people who are searching for a specific product or idea will come upon your website thanks to search engine spiders indexing these “buzzwords” on your page, because that’s all the Internet is full of: cookies and spiders.

Why it’s bullshit: Because it really doesn’t make a damn bit of difference in the long run; there is more to a search engine than buzzwords and buzzword frequency. Yes, this worked in the 1990’s for people who filled their websites with invisible text that simply repeated the same phrase over and over again but you can’t do that today and expect to Googlesnipe a specific search term. It takes, among other things, being an established website that has been online for quite a while, heavy amounts of traffic, and a fair amount of people linking to you to boost your placement. You could help this if you had a boosting network of sorts, which brings us to…

 

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What they say: Networking with others in your field will help you share your traffic, plus linking to one another will help boost your “SEO” and exposure on search engines. The idea is that if you stick together with a bunch of other related sites that you’ll succeed because you can all share the wealth. It works for anime websites and video game sprite databases, so why can’t it work for you?

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More erotic MS Paint dragon and fairy porn is just a click away!

Why it’s bullshit: Because it defeats the purpose of “being original” and the idea that you should find a niche and write for it. That’s why it’s called a “niche”, it’s a small demographic that is otherwise a new market. If what you’re doing is exactly what Sites A and B are doing, and if they’re struggling too, then what’s the point of banding together? To become a giant tangled Rat King of fail? There is safety in numbers but not if you’re out to be an Internet billionaire. When was the last time you ever seriously thumbed through the affiliates page or section of a website? I don’t mean glance at it, but actually look at what all the little button links went to. You probably haven’t done this mostly because if you’ve found what you’re looking for you probably don’t care what the other 14 related sites have to offer. It’s a glorified webring except it doesn’t take up as much space and if you’ve partnered with a blog that has a massive list of affiliates then congratulations you are officially invisible.

 

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What they say: Getting licensed to sell a product online is a great business opportunity because for every copy of Windows Virus Defender Firewall Optimizer Solitaire 2014 you sell you get a dividend of the profits! Not only can you take your independent Amway business online there are plenty of programs and web-based services that you can sell from your very own domain name! Plus, if you get your friends involved in selling you’ll make a fraction of their profits and the profits of anybody they get to sign up, it’s like Reverse Reaganomics!

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BE YOUR OWN BOSSSSSSSS

Why it’s bullshit: Firstly, multi-level marketing is the biggest scam in the world; for the uninitiated back in the day we had a special name for crap like this: pyramid scheme. I’ll just throw that factoid out there and get it out of the way because MLM doesn’t work unless you’re the genius mastermind behind the whole operation selling people overpriced “starter kits” and samples.

Additionally selling a bunch of pre-fabricated crap does nothing but saturate the market with trash; why should Joe Blow Consumer buy the Titty City bikini model screensaver from you when there are no less than 200 other websites out there selling the same exact download package for the same price? There’s no incentive and you’re not allowed to include any because it otherwise comes out of your pocket. MLM does nothing but prey upon your friends because they’re seriously the only market that you can reach out to sell pre-fab trash and if you’re a decent friend you wouldn’t badger your mates with worthless adult toys, skin lotions, and computer “cleaning” programs that probably do nothing but install spyware that turns all of their desktop icons into Tupperware bowls.

Also, dangling the bewildering promise of “YOUR OWN DOMAIN NAME” doesn’t work anymore and if it does then it only works on retarded people who’ve been living under a rock since around the year 2000 when it became incredibly easy and affordable to buy your own domain name.

 

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What they say: You can get your name and “brand” out there by simply writing about what you love and sharing it on a website that will pay you a dividend of their ad revenue once you reach a certain threshold of views! It’s the easiest way to make money because once you write your content you just simply wait for the checks to roll on in! Websites like Triond, e-Pinions, and Associated Content all offer incentives where you can post an article about anything you can dream up and get paid for it based upon views, comments, followers, and overall exposure.

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All this can be yours!

Why it’s bullshit: Because while you can make money through these websites with enough time and effort the payoff is grossly disproportionate to the amount of work that is required. Most of these websites only give you mere pennies for your views which are notoriously hard to rack up considering how all too often these websites are cluttered full of trash articles. You also have to reach a certain earning level before they are obligated to pay you which normally hovers somewhere around $25 to $50, a low number that seems entirely doable until you realize how little you’ll make from each view you get. These businesses operate to scam free content out of you under the assumption that you will never reach the payment threshold and thus will provide them with articles that they can monetize and reap the benefits from no matter how trashy or ill-informed they are. You can write an article so beautiful and well-assembled that a site like Cracked might buy it from you (for $50 no questions asked) so there’s absolutely no reason you should pursue crap like these “dividend” sites.

There are sites out there that will pay you for legitimate content, and I’m not going to rag on them. These are the sites that will pay you a flat rate for a quality article and can also double as legitimate sources of experience for people looking to build a resume or portfolio. Putting “Triond” on a work application for a magazine or publication firm is the fastest way to get your resume thrown straight into the dumpster. Wiping your ass with your application and putting “denying the Holocaust” as a hobby will land you a better chance at finding work than listing e-Pinions as experience will. It is hypothesized that merely letting these websites appear on your Internet history will make you ineligible to buy paper, pencils, markers, or any other form of stationery and you’ll be blacklisted from being let into OfficeMax because you’re a walking insult to the art of writing.

 

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What they say: It’s okay to fail, you will never make it on your first try, nobody does! You have to get back up and keep on trying because eventually you’ll hit that vein of gold and then you’ll be in the big leagues, it just takes perseverance and dedication!

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Nothing says “hang in there” quite like Pokemon bondage.

Why it’s bullshit: There’s nothing inherently wrong with keeping someone inspired in the face of adversity. Extending your hand out to someone who’s been knocked down is one of the sincerest actions you can take but not when it’s you who’s been pushing people down. Don’t get what I mean? Well then, it’s time to reveal the actual secret to making money online:

 

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The secret to making money online is convincing others how to do it the wrong way.

That sounds like a ridiculous plan until you look at from an objective point of view. If you’re telling people how to make money online then you most likely have advertisements of some sort on your page that in turn provides you with cash. People who are looking for ways to make money online are likely going to come across your page and thus grant you some ad revenue. You don’t want people taking your money from you so of course you’re not going to tell them how you’re really raking in your cash. You’re going to lie to them, probably sell them an overpriced eBook full of nonsensical bullshit, and entice them to continuously visit your shitty “Making Money Online” WordPress blog with quasi-lessons on how to register on Twitter and a bunch of other meaningless and trite “advice”.

People who make money online by telling other people how to do it are nothing more than con artists and predators who prey upon the financially stricken and suck pure money out of the hopes and dreams of financial stability from their audience. They don’t care if your website succeeds or fails or if you buy $500 worth of Avon and get stuck with it because to them it’s not their problem, that’s their plan all along. You’re not supposed to succeed, they are banking on your failure so that they can succeed. Used car salesmen are more honest in their work than these crooked fucks.

One of the few places online that has genuine advice on how to seriously make money online is eHow. They provide an unabashed, realistic, and non-sugar coated bulletin of seven points that you can use to help you find genuine work online.

And this is coming from a website that also tells you how to use a fucking pair of scissors.

– Dracophile

I hang out here at GatorAIDS and since I’m too cheap to pay for a No Ads upgrade, but I’m decent enough to turn off AdBlock, I get to see lots of ads. One thing I’ve learned from these damn ads is “HOLY SHIT SWORDS”. The fine folks at TrueSwords.com have spent what I can only imagine is about eleventy thousand dollars to make it known to every single person who has ever visited GatorAIDS that they sell ninja gear and anime swords. Their ads show up so frequently that I feel like I know TrueSwords well enough to get to second base with them if I felt like it. According to the AdBrite Network reports that we receive, we’ve seen over three thousand TrueSwords advertisements. That’s easily five times as many advertisements as everything else combined, even the godawful “local mom gives head and makes $77/day YOU CAN TOO” banners.

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One look at this sweet-ass banner and you KNOW it’s gonna be good.

I buckled and decided to pay TrueSwords.com a visit and discovered that they sell tons more crap than just swords, including this toilet bowl cleaner that looks like a skull. Classy.

But really they primarily sell swords and ninja crap. Here’s my favorite stuff.

 

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Xenomorphs have 3 dicks and 8 vaginas. Just a quick FYI.

 

I’m not gonna lie, I don’t watch very many Aliens, Predator, or Aliens vs. Predator movies. As far as I’m concerned the only thing either franchise has given to the world are the phrase “get to the chopper” and weird alien egg fetishes. I’ve seen both. I don’t like either one. The only reason people see Predator movies, especially that god awful recent one by Robert Rodriguez, is because they have nothing else better to do with their afternoon and haven’t discovered Internet porn; and the only reason why people see Aliens movies is to tempt the gods of fate and see if they can dodge being arrested for what Pee Wee Herman was caught doing in a theater himself. Basically what I’m trying to say is that the films appeal to two completely different audiences so I have no idea why they were combined in the first place except to showcase both awesome tribal weapons that fire lasers and copious instances of male impregnation.

And then they made this blade replica, I guess.

I don’t profess myself as a know-it-all of the Predator franchise so I’m sure I’ll get some kind of lecture in the comments on the forums, but this blade pisses me off because I don’t know what the hell it’s for. I understand that the Predator has a Frisbee of death that he can throw around and decapitate people with but this certainly isn’t it seeing as how it’s about as balanced as a propeller on an economy airline plane. It’s not a throwing weapon, so I figure it has to be a handheld-type weapon, but then I notice there’s five finger slots between the six blades so you cannot hold it in your hand without having an extra blade hanging off to one side. The more I thought about this blade the more I realized it’s just a stupid movie replica and that I probably shouldn’t be putting so much thought into it.

So I popped in Aliens and masturbated instead.

 

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“Just weld a bunch of nails together.” – Guy who invented this.

 

This is probably the stupidest fucking “self-defense” item I’ve ever seen. It seriously just looks like someone who just did not give a shit took a bunch of spare nail-starters from the Home Depot and glued them together into this keychain weapon.

Yeah, a keychain weapon.

I’m fairly certain I can figure out how this works, you put it between your fingers like a pair of brass knuckles and punch imaginary rapists with it, but the sheer ridiculousness of its design is what gets me. Firstly, if it’s connected to your keys what do you do with said keys? Do you let them dangle off to the side of your fist as a shiny and easily grab-able mass your attacker can snag and render your five dollar weapon useless with? Do you detach this from your keyring if you’re attacked? If so who has the time to open up a keyring when their butthole is being violated? But in all seriousness if you have a bunch of keys in your pocket wouldn’t it be easier and faster just to wield your keys in the same manner as this tool and just punch your attacker in the neck?

Also for what amounts to a bunch of nails stuck to each other putting them on a keyring sounds like a pretty stupid idea considering the likelihood of you putting them in your pocket and stabbing yourself in the leg or palm floats somewhere around 104%.

 

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Instructions: Turn left for pen, right for inferno.

 

This is touted as a “survival device”, you know, for all those times when you’re stuck in the wilderness doing your taxes but also want to start a fire to cook the fish you caught with your DustBuster/spear combo tool. Seriously when would this possibly be of any practical use? It’s literally a pen, not “pen” as in some kind of special type of knife with a fine blade or anything, that’s called a penknife, but literally “pen” as in “don’t do your homework with a pen because your teacher will take off points for it”. It’s a goddamn pen with a firestarter stick on the other side of it.

And it’s $25.

And again much like our web of nails up above this is also a keychain for all those times when you’re driving and doing your taxes but also want to start a fire to cook the fish you caught with your DustBuster/spear. They couldn’t have taken the flint stick and put it on something a little more appropriate like a knife, maybe? Or would that be too obvious of a solution for a survival tool? What do they pair up with blowtorches, a box of popsicles and a horse hoof cleaning pick?

 

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Actual screenshot from Avatar 2: Avatar Harder

 

When you saw Avatar did it touch you so hard that you felt as though you were one with the Na’vi? This is a very real thing to some people, so real in fact that they’ve decided the universe from a shitty James Cameron movie exists and that they are reborn Na’vi (like Draconics and Otherkin except even more stupid and improbable). Seriously this even pisses off furries who probably would have hopped right on the whole “wow they look like cats” thing because they’ve agreed that “Na’vikin” is more annoying than retarded Spyro the Dragon characters, about 48 kinds of crabs, AND jokes that feed the narcissistic tendencies of random unmentionable people in the fandom and there’s even a SEVENTY-EIGHT PAGE THREAD ON THE “AVATAR FORUMS” ABOUT HOW TO COPE WITH THE FACT THAT PANDORA DOES NOT EXIST.

But you can look like a blue Mr. T for only five bucks if you want.

 

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Nothing says “tacky” quite like a tacky vagina belt buckle.

 

This item’s page at TrueSwords says it’s a “great gift idea”. I disagree unless you know for a fact that the person you’re giving it to likes to floss their teeth with crabs and pubes.

Apparently our (as in humans, I guess) views on what is attractive in pornography have changed since the 1970’s where it was okay for a woman’s lady-parts to look like a velcro factory explosion. Nowadays that’s gross and I’m fairly certain had we known any better back then we’d have said the same thing. Maybe I’m just sounding like an uneducated Generation X’er but seriously an untamed “bush” is fucking disgusting. Trimmed is nice, clean-shaven is nice, but “check out the ZZ Top concert” is not. That’s just common decency, folks.

There are a lot of adjectives that you can use to describe a crotch afro; “sweet” and “delicious” are not two words that immediately come to mind. That’s not to say that they don’t come to mind at all, but when they do eventually show up they’re way down at the bottom of the list with “fire truck red” and “Orwellian”.

Also this isn’t a fucking sword.

– Roastmaster

 

PS: You’re welcome for the free advertising, TrueSwords. Now send me a free vagina belt buckle and an Avatar mask I want to wear both at the same time.

For those of you who only stick to Facebook, Twitter, and eBay for your Internet needs (aww aren’t you so cute in your little safety bubble?) you may only be familiar with Craigslist in passing. Craigslist can best be described as a rough “meet up” connections website whose display format never made it past 1997; either the creators of the website are creative geniuses or they simply cannot be assed to pick a font other than Times New Roman for their creation. On Craigslist you can do a variety of local things in your community, assuming you live in one of a handful of densely populated places in the United States, ranging from selling an old dresser, finding a DJ for a party, or finding work in the porn business. Craigslist truly has it all and if it dispensed food stamps then I’m fairly certain every impoverished family in every metropolis in the country would be all over it.

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In Texas you get a poverty gift card.

Earlier this month I decided it was time to let my old Xbox 360 set sail to a new home. The console had gotten the notorious Red Ring of Death and was 4 years old meaning that it was outside of Microsoft’s “we assembled this system like shit so you’re going to foot the bill because we’re too lazy to give a damn” warranty. I don’t know how to fix them so I figured I could take a picture and toss it up on Craigslist with the instructions that anybody who wanted to email me about it could make me an offer. I was expecting something around the $40 – $50 range considering I was including the wireless controller with it and when the offers came in I got one for $20, one for $35, one for $40, and one for $50. I also got a trade offer but since I have no use for a broken Super NES or 14 copies of NBA Jam I passed on the deal. I obviously went with the $50 offer because if I learned anything in second grade it’s that 50 is bigger than 20 and since I am pressed for money that’s the choice I went with.

The transaction began as simple as it could possibly be. The buyer emailed me with a link back to my posting and with the short phrase “50.00 for all”. I replied back saying that I was interested in taking his offer and that I would be in the area on the 29th. The buyer was ecstatic and asked me to email him back when I was going to be in town. Finally, after two dickheads showed interest in buying textbooks off of me only to bail out at the utmost last second here was a guy who wasn’t going to give me any problems whatsoever.

Hah.

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WTB pre-broken xbox 360 email only plz thanks

Immediately after I received the buyer’s email that he was excited to be able to get the console he replied again stating that he wasn’t sure if he’d have the money on time because he was awaiting someone’s payment on a car he had done work on. I said that was fine and that because I wouldn’t be in the city until the next day there would be no problems with his customer being late or on time since by then he’d have surely shown up. I said I had other things to do when I’d be out and about and that he could text me at any time when he had the money and would be able to pay me. The buyer prided himself on being “48 years old, not some young kid that wouldn’t pay you what i owe you, but before i leave my address let me know what your willing to do“. Despite the fact that I think he just propositioned me for sex (as is Craigslist) I didn’t think anything of it and laughed at the fact that he called out my generation on being assholes.

Apparently the buyer doesn’t know that you can add to an email before you click “SEND” so immediately after he told me he was 48 he also sent this gem along: “but at least im up front with you before you get here then tell you hey my customer hasnt gotten here to pay you, i did it before hand, not saying they wont be here before you get here ,but hey things do happen, i hope it shows you im an honest person, even though i am old,,lol“. Around this time is when I started thinking this person was probably crazy but I needed the money and even a crazy person’s $50 is still worth $50 in Sane Land. I pushed forward and disregarded it assuming that whatever he was blabbering on about would be fine in the end although I can’t say I wasn’t perturbed reading emails from someone who claimed to be 48 but apparently had a grasp on English like a 3 year old. I’m not trying to put myself above anybody but I’m less than half this clown’s age and I’d like to say I’m pretty damn well educated in the throes of the English language, syntax, and grammar.

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Some crazy people money isn’t legal tender, though.

I replied back that all was well and if there was a phone number I could text him at so I could let him know when I was in town and that I’d be ready to deliver the console whenever he was. He responded with a phone number and said that it doesn’t take calls, only texts because it got wet and the speaker was ruined. Not one to ask if he was dumb enough to go swimming with a phone I just said “ok” and assumed he probably thought the government was listening to him so he threw his phone into the ocean. So far this guy’s level of crazy is around the David Liebe Hart area on the Gary Busey Scale of Insanity so while “theriddler” (his screenname) is just crazy enough to be annoying he hasn’t gotten to that cusp where you just want to deck him in the face with a roll of quarters balled up in your fist… until 17 minutes later he sends both of these emails:

well go ahead and go back home, thanks any ways

just have to pass on it, beings how you dont want to trust me till tomorrow or the weekend on a broken X-BOX 360 THATS BROKEN, ITS COOL,TAKE CARE,

Apparently Captain Einstein here confused the word “tomorrow” with “today, and 20 minutes from now even though it takes me an hour to get to where you are”. It’s a common misconception, I’m sure. Redundancy is theriddler’s forte, obviously, as he suddenly expressed his disdain for purchasing a “broken Xbox 360 that’s broken”. I tried not to decipher his message too carefully because I felt like if I spent any more time on his kindergarten level of intelligence that blood would shoot out of my ears so I responded rather “politely” with: “I said in a previous email that I will not be in the area until tomorrow (Thurdsay, July 29, 2010 at 4:30 PM) evening. I have no business being there tonight.

Apparently my meticulous breakdown of the date, including any and all information that someone who doesn’t understand what “tomorrow” means (yet uses it himself in his replies), worked and theriddler apologized for apparently acting like a senile e-douche and from what I collected the transaction was still on.

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“I DON’T WANT NO BROKEN XBOX THAT’S BROKEN.”

That was the last email I got from theriddler seeing as how the following day I sent him a text message saying that I would be in the area that evening and that he could text me at any time and I’d swing by with the 360. His response was “and this is the one that doesnt work right? the xbox 360“. I bit my bottom lip in frustration, seeing as how the text I sent him was preceded by the phrase “($50 broken xbox seller)”. The little voice in the back of my head had gone into Billy Mays mode and was now screaming at me that this crazy guy isn’t worth the extra $10 compared to the $40 that the seemingly more down-to-earth “Vince” emailed me about. If my inner voice could sprout legs I’m sure it would have punched me in the groin to stop me from meeting what was probably the serial killer from Se7en (if “Fucking Retarded” was one of the seven deadly sins this guy would be a victim most likely).

At the last minute, before I left town to drive all the way up to deliver this damn thing, I got a text from the buyer saying he would have to back down from the offer because he had only $25 after buying parts and registration for his car. I texted back, partially relieved, and said that was okay, that I’m glad he was able to get the money for his car, and that I’m sure someone else would be interested in the system. I honestly thought that was the last I’d hear of theriddler, until I woke up this morning and was greeted with:

weel beings how you sir couldnt trust me for 25.00 and i just bought 2 mini REAL horses.and a goat. and a 1999 chrysler mini van yesterday even.wih no money down Keep your xbox 360 non working junk.i pass

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“I BOUGHT HORSES A GOAT AND A CHRYSLER MINIVAN.”

After reading that text message I really, REALLY wanted to visit this guy’s house (he sent me his address in a prior email), kick through his front door, and punch him. Right in the dick. I contemplated sending him back a “FUCK YOU” text message but seeing as how this is Craigslist we are talking about here I decided that wouldn’t be the best option since for all I know he might invite me over to come have sex with one of his two mini REAL horses. Or his goat. Or even the 1999 Chrysler minivan, perhaps, which I might add he apparently bought for no money down. Yeah, it’s a goddamn Chrysler minivan from 1999. If you paid any more than $500 on it you’re getting ripped off. I’m pressed for money at the moment but if I felt like it I could buy five of those ugly vehicles right now, they’re that worthless.

I don’t know what theriddler’s problem is thinking that he can somehow validate his snarky-ass attitude by showing off his livestock sex fodder and minivans that weren’t in style even when they were brand new. I thought he was buying car parts and a state registration sticker? Did his precious minivan not come with an engine or something? Is that what the horses are for? No, theriddler, I’m not going to take your $25 “trust” on my console because the controller alone is worth that much. If I wanted to get ripped off and anally raped on this deal I wouldn’t go to Craigslist for it I’d go to GameStop and let them pay me whatever pocket change the cashier currently has on him.

How about this theriddler, why don’t you invest in an English textbook and brush up on what it means to “make it rain” because I’m about 99% certain unless you live in Bumfuck, Alabama dropping some mad cash on 2 horses (of both the mini and REAL variety), a goat, and a shitty minivan doesn’t earn you any “street cred”. It makes you look like a goddamn maniac. In the end, I’m glad I didn’t sell my console to you, theriddler, because you seem to be the kind of person who would plug it in and try to stick your dick into it and call me back with complaints about it.

Fuck YOU.

– Dracophile

Eagle-eyed, or rather eagle-eared (do eagle’s even hear well?), viewers who have seen Kevin Smith’s latest film CopOut may have heard a passing reference to “All your base”, a tired old Internet meme from the turn of the millennium that was spawned from the poorly translated Sega Megadrive game Zero Wing. If I have to sit here and explain something as ingrained as “All your base” then I really question your knowledge of the Internet and must ask if you’re truly a tech savvy 20-something or a middle aged soccer mom. If you’re the latter I have to ask a follow up question of “what the hell are you doing here” followed by “what the hell are you doing watching Kevin Smith movies”. I mentioned CopOut because it leads into my next observation about the kinds of people who watch Kevin Smith movies. There are two kinds of people who watch his movies and they are either culturally in-tuned young people who will understand the meta humor of his films or quasi-permadrunken “bro” figures who just want to laugh at dick jokes and make obscene gestures to each other.

copout_poster

Tracy Morgan may or may not be slightly retarded, but we love him anyway.

These “chill out brah” hellspawn are the kind of people who think the Internet consists solely of five websites: Facebook, Break.com, the official UFC website, the Spike TV network website, and YouPorn. If you asked them what the Internet was they’d be the kind of people who responds “it’s like a bunch of wires and computers and cyberspace right” and be dead serious about it, completely oblivious to the “series of tubes” meme. To them the Internet is an outlet for posting pictures from last night’s frat party, looking at bikini models, watching compilations of nut shots, and reading the recap of last night’s homoerotic butt humping olympics. They have absolutely no clue that there is an entire Internet culture and thus are totally unaware of things like memes, how quickly they age, and the threshold of usage they have until they cease to be funny, witty, or culturally relevant. They are a prime example of people who will adopt a meme years (or in this case a decade after it is no longer funny) and treat it like it’s quality entertainment right up there with G4TV’s The International Sexy Ladies Show. After all, we are talking about people here who still watch reruns of MXC and think all of the ball jokes and womanizing humor is to television what The Godfather Part II is to film history.

copout_allyourbase

Someone set up us the meme.

Recently as I was enjoying lunch I encountered a couple of these incredibly common phenomena watching various techno remixes of “All your base” on YouTube like it was going out of style; though ironically “All your base” did go out of style. Nine years ago. I sat distant from them and simply observed their actions. They weren’t possibly watching these for nostalgic value, no, they were laughing it up at all of the “PWNED” images that blinked on the screen to the beat of the music. They had never seen this before. Ever. How can I deduce that CopOut was directly related to this nonsense? First I began by assessing their clothing; both of them wore pre-bent and pre-rugged hunting caps, both of them had Abercrombie-looking shirts on, and both of them were sporting jorts and flip flops. I shit you not, they were dressed identically. “I would say to them ‘you want ice cream cone’ both of them say yes.”

This is the bro-type “person”, the aforementioned kind who have no sense of intellect when it comes to most things that don’t involve surfing or UFC, clearly aren’t going to be able to tell a tired old Internet meme from a recent fad nor could they tell their ass from a hole in the ground. This leads me to believe that they belong to the second archetype of people who would enjoy Clerks not because the film is brilliant commentary on working class people stuck in a crossroads in their life but because Jay and Silent Bob start singing Jungle Love by Morris Day and the (Motherfucking) Times whenever they’re asked if they sell weed. Likewise these jerkoffs are in the movie theater seeing CopOut not to appreciate the nuances of humor that Kevin Smith laces his movie with but just to hear Tracy Morgan perform stereotypical black jokes and mannerisms. Thus, they picked up the “All your base” reference from the movie and went back to their Bud Light-soaked dormitory and Googled it.

[Editor’s Note: Apparently the movie in question where Morris Day is quoted is actually Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, not Clerks. You get the point I am trying to make though.]

Do you know what the first result for “All your base are belong to us” is on Google? Wikipedia; you know, the website these guys cite as sources in their research papers. Do you know what else shows up on the first page of results? That god awful Know Your Meme web series created by the Sony-owned subsidiary production company Rocketboom. After watching a few corporate sellouts blabber incessantly about memes they know nothing about the bros can browse Wikipedia and see what a bunch of completely mindless drones think about dead memes. The fact that “All your base” went out earlier this century is none of their concern, it’s new to them so they’re going to make your life a living hell by letting you know how current and funny they think this dusty old relic of the Internet is.

With that collective mentality (or lack thereof) I’m surprised they don’t just take it a step further and go to the epicenter of all Internet memes, the “Ate my balls” meme from the late nineties. Testicle-based humor seems like it would be the perfect mixture of kindergarten humor and thoughtlessness that bros would just gobble up gleefully and spam Facebook with. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a resurgence of “Ate my balls” while these jokers try to figure out “what the hell is a web ring brah”.

copout_ba01

Above: The first Internet meme. Seriously.

Internet memes are one of the fundamental bases of humor – catchphrases. There’s no doubt as to why phrases like “All your base are belong to us” or “Mr. T ate my balls” caught on, they were catchy. To many folks like myself who have become so jaded to Internet memes, especially old ones, hearing them brought up out of context by individuals who have absolutely no idea of the reasoning or history behind the joke gets annoying quite fast. It’s one thing to watch an “All your base” remix out of nostalgia but it’s another to be subjected to it because the people in your vicinity have only recently heard of it for the first time and likely assume this is the Internet’s “Next Big Thing”. Perhaps if the group of people discovering new memes weren’t already mind-obliteratingly shallow and socially retarded to begin with their virgin exploration of the Intertubes would be forgivable and cute, but no, when you’re surrounded by people like this all day as they skate to class and jam out to Sublime non-stop you tend to wish the worst for them.

Non-Internet savvy people are the reason why 2 Girls 1 Cup became a famous shock website. At the expense of sounding like a ninety-year-old back in my day a shock website was a still image that was blasted onto your screen and that was it. There was no reasoning behind it. If you were duped into seeing Goatse you were instantly greeted by hello.jpg whereas if you are tricked into 2 Girls 1 Cup you have to actually sit there and watch a video that you can turn away from at any time because unless you are completely mentally incompetent you know what’s about to happen. When someone puts a glass up to someone else’s ass if the first thing you think of isn’t “someone’s about to take a shit in that glass” then by all means you deserve to have your unsuspecting and shallow mind blasted straight out of the water by the Austin Powers steamroller of shock sites.

Let’s just hope they’re stupid enough to fall for Last Measure.

– Dracophile

WARNING: Images in this article HAVE been censored but the content may still be considered NSFW if you’re reading this in an open environment. You have been warned.

I’ve been on the Internet a long time. I remember back when every website displayed in Times New Roman and when GeoCities websites turned up in the first pages of Google searches. The Internet was a different place back then, full of buzzing modems and ugly typewriter-looking fonts (excluding the GeoCities-made fanpage staple Comic Sans). Previously disenfranchised people such as white supremacists were able to connect with each other and talk about hating black people, hating Jews, and doubly hating Jewish black people. Social groups that were otherwise unattached with one another were given a chance to reach out and band together and one of the very first groups to do so and gain momentum was the furry fandom.

Furries claim that their fandom has been around since the eighties and even have “experts” in the fandom that agree. If “Expert of the Furry Fandom” isn’t a self-appointed title I don’t know what is, but I will say that while the tiger chick from Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like The Wolf” music video was indeed hot I find it a far stretch to say that people are dressing up like Care Bears and having sex with each other because of it. That’s like saying Richard Nixon fucked up the economy of the United States by taking us off of the gold standard in the 1960’s. It certainly wasn’t a step in the right direction but Tricky Dick isn’t responsible for toppling the economy. Dubya, his cronies, and the combined efforts of their Visas and MasterCards are. Likewise, a European pop band isn’t responsible for the word “yiff”; a bunch of Aspergers with incredibly backwards and deviant sexual desires and access to an AOL free trial CD in the early nineties were.

I don’t hate furries, really. Dracophile is a friend of mine, and I suppose Payton is as well by proxy now that we write for the same site, and both of them are moderately sane and decent people if not a little eccentric at times. The only thing I have a problem with, honestly, is all of the people from the furry fandom who are so disconnected with the world and oblivious to how fucking retarded they are that they unknowingly put on a show for the masses as they haul their Baconator-loving masses around inside of an otter fursuit in the middle of an upscale hotel. For some furries their interests are mundane and they’re only in it to draw a few pictures and make some friends and I commend them for that, even if you have to stoop as low as to draw porn of Street Sharks at least you’re making an effort to make friends. Then there are those who live and breathe furrydom like an obsession and claim that their “fursona” is a representation of who they are on the inside (“halp imma aminal trapped in a hyooman bodyyy!!!”). This article is meant to take a look at the most popular fursonas in the fandom, what their subscribers think it means, and what it actually means.

As an added bonus (and just to further piss everybody off) I’m going to be including a ranking based on each particular network of furries’ chances of being animal-humping zoophiles. Each percentage has been carefully calculated using a top secret formula that involves a dart board, sticky notes, the soundtrack to Jerry Maguire, and a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Furthermore as a DOUBLE bonus you can click any of the censored images for their uncensored counterparts!

 

roastmaster02-2010_canines

fursonas_canines

Ruh-roh.

What furries think it means: Furries who choose a dog as their fursona like to believe they’re “man’s best friend” and can get along with anybody and make lots of friends. Similarly, because canines can be pack animals their desires to surround themselves with people shows through except instead of getting together to hunt deer or something they’re all just having big doggie orgies. Canine furries portray themselves as friendly and out of all of the groups displayed are one of the ones who role play in forum posts the most, this meaning all they do is derail a thread with a one sentence reply followed by *barks happily and humps your leg*.

What it actually means: You are a sex-depraved lunatic that will latch onto whatever pant leg is closest to you and hump the everliving daylights out of it.

Probability of being a zoophile: 85%

 

roastmaster02-2010_felines

fursonas_felines

Fucking VG Cats, REALLY?

What furries think it means: Feline furries like to imagine themselves as either coy or intelligent and take the “role playing in the middle of a serious thread” idea even a step higher by either injecting a playful anecdote or a string of cute emoticons in all of their messages to ensure they come off as playful. Cats (the real animals) are assholes by nature so this personality trait usually matches up quite nicely with whomever declares it their own, just take GatorAIDS’ lead columnist Payton as an example. He trolls churches (even though Westboro Baptist isn’t a real church); case in point.

What it actually means: You subscribe to one the most tired memes on the Internet and you probably click banner ads for Smiley Central.

Probability of being a zoophile: 47%

 

roastmaster02-2010_equines

fursonas_equines

Yes, that censor bar is covering the EXACT length.

What furries think it means: Horses are seen as very strong and elegant animals. By adopting this image as their avatar many equine furries believe that they can capture the elegance of a wild horse as their own. I’ve personally noticed many of the “older furs” (by “old” I mean 40’s and 50’s old) adopt the horse as their fursona not because of the elegance but because it’s a symbol of fertility. Yes, the horse and his massive set of genitalia is a representation of strong sexual urges and potency, something that these newfound Viagra addicts cling onto for dear sanity.

What it actually means: You are a size queen that enjoys large (preferrably horse-sized) cocks and treat Mr. Hands as a martyr.

Probably of being a zoophile: 100%

 

roastmaster02-2010_rodents

fursonas_rodents

Poster prints available at Spencer’s Gifts.

What furries think it means: “Rodent” is actually an expansive category of animals in the furry fandom covering rats, rabbits, and bats to name a few. For the most part these three animals are generally appealing to the crowd of people who subscribe to the punk or emo lifestyle and wear body jewelry like it’s going out of style (hint: it is). Rodent furs portray themselves as edgy and grungy, something that actual rats do quite nicely considering they lack bladder control and piss constantly and use turds as directional markers — I can see the resemblance.

What it actually means: You buy everything you wear and listen to at Hot Topic and think that the “nonconformist” lifestyle makes you a beautiful and unique flower. You couldn’t be more wrong.

Probability of being a zoophile: 11%

 

roastmaster02-2010_reptiles

fursonas_reptiles

Hoo doggie time fer some gator wrasslin!

What furries think it means: “Don’t fuck with me” is a slogan that all literal reptiles have made their own by means of adopting razor-sharp teeth, potent venom, spiky skin, the ability to squeeze you to death, or a combination of all four. Reptiles honestly are killing machines and that ultra tough exterior appeals to reptile furries (which are actually called “scalies” as I have been informed by Dracophile) who want to portray themselves as being just as rugged. The majority of artwork that I’ve seen of reptile furs consist of characters in very Southern clothing (cowboy hats, etc). I’m not going to say it’s a regional thing but…

What it actually means: You are a lazy slacker that mimics reptiles to the point where you too sleep all day, however instead of sleeping to metabolize a meal you killed yourself you’re sleeping because you just finished off that bag of Funyuns in one sitting.

Probability of being a zoophile: 23%

 

roastmaster02-2010_dinos

fursonas_dinos

Jurassex Park: The Lust World

What furries think it means: Remember the awesome dinosaurs from Jurassic Park? Remember how incomprehensibly badass every dinosaur movie in the history of time was (except Land of the Lost)? Thinking that dinosaurs are awesome is a prerequisite for being five years old but some people don’t outgrow it and take it to a higher level because while dinosaurs are completely and totally dead forever and ever the image they represent is what appeals to dino furs. In their mental equation being a Velociraptor translates to instant badaassery, and while I do see the logic in that I regretfully acknowledge that they failed to carry over the “you’re a furry” factor in the equation.

What it actually means: You’re a worthless “scene” kid who simply follows whatever fad is currently trendy. You probably also have a Twitter and have tweeted at least 4 times while reading this article.

Probability of being a zoophile: 0.1%

 

roastmaster02-2010_dragons

fursonas_dragons

“If only that were Spyro.” – Dracophile

What furries think it means: What could possibly be more powerful than a dragon? Barring [insert god here] nothing, that’s right. Furries who portray themselves as a dragon sought out the epitome of strength and intelligence: the completely made-up and over-powered mythical dragon. By becoming a dragon one is untouchable and impervious to everything (except stairs) and that’s exactly what gets these folks off. Well, that and a heaping helping of vore fetishes.

What it actually means: You are scrawny and insecure about yourself so you picked the most powerful thing you could think of.

Probability of being a zoophile: 35%

 

roastmaster02-2010_vulpeses

fursonas_vulpeses

CAN’T LET YOU DO THAT STAR FOX.

What furries think it means: Foxes are a symbol of beauty and in some respects innocence as well as they are often either portrayed as a damsel in distress (see Star Fox Adventures) or a hero (see Star Fox 64); hell “foxy” is even a synonym for “attractive” or “sexy” — everybody wants to bone foxes. An Internet comedian before me once said that foxes are the gateway drug to the furry fandom and that “everybody starts out as one.” Whether your poison is Miles “Tails” Prower or Disney’s Robin Hood choosing a fox as your fursona is a symbol of being a neophyte, a placeholder avatar that you will replace in the future. For now you just want to get your yiffin’ on.

What it actually means: You are one of the most unoriginal people on the planet and probably have no idea what “furry” is or the Hell you have just walked into.

Probability of being a zoophile: Any of the previous categories.

– Roastmaster

As I get fed up with this computer that I’ve been graced with I realize that it’s aging; I’ve had it since mid-2006 and included on its hard drive are backups of folders from as early as 2004. I’m running a system with seven years’ worth of stuff crammed into it and here I am complaining about how it doesn’t seem to be working as well as it used to. Go figure, right? I’ve had MSN Messenger for as long as I’ve had a computer because it’s my preferred method of being annoyed by people at all hours of the day. With the use of MSN Messenger you can send files to people and likewise let people send files to you, and in the past I’ve told stories about how people have accidentally sent me pornography instead of what they intended. I’ve had this computer since 2006 and not once have I cleaned out my “Received Files” folder so there’s about four years’ worth of random snippets and trinkets sitting in there… stewing.

When someone sends you a picture via Messenger it’s usually relevant to your conversation, for example “here’s a picture of my new car”. In four years I’ve been a part of many websites and communities and talked to hundreds of people most of whom who have sent me things via MSN Messenger. As years go by I lose contact with these people but the artifacts of our conversations remain on my computer either for eternity or until I delete them, and I’ve deleted nothing. Everything in that folder had some kind of context to it but as long as 4 years later I have since completely forgotten whatever in the hell it was in the first place. I decided that digging through my Received Files folder and finding my favorite bizarre pictures would be a fun way to waste an evening writing and wouldn’t you know — it was. Below are seven pictures that were sent to me from various people with whom I’ve talked to, their context is just as much of a mystery to you as it is to me.

 

21_VisitRFSHQ

DP21_RFSHQ

FROM: ??? | DATE: 08/03/06

 

This picture was sent to me by someone in 2006 right in the middle of RFSHQ.com’s lifespan (of me as the Lead Writer at least). It proves that even as far back as 2006 people were telling me I looked like Josh Peck, which is distressing. I seriously thought that gimmick started when I was contracted as an administrator for Miniclip but I guess I was mistaken. The “STARRING RFS AS HIMSELF” blurb next to Peck is pretty hilarious, though, I’ll admit. Over to the right is a still from the very first episode of The Radio F Show (Cereal Time) and underneath that is an MS Paint doodle of an animator named Vozz angrily looking over at Josh Peck, how he ended up in this image is beyond me because while I knew Vozz he wasn’t affiliated with RFSHQ at all from what I recall. This entire damn picture is a puzzle that I have no clue as to what the solution is.

My guess as to where it came from is a shot in the dark. I’m going to venture an educated guess and say that it was made as a joke entry to one of RFSHQ’s annual banner round-ups we did to collect site banners for our rotator script that cycled through user-made images on the homepage and other pages of the site. That’s about as close as I’m going to get, and come to think of it I wonder why we never just made this the permanent banner for the site in the first place.

 

21_Weed

DP21_Mark

FROM: Mark P. | DATE: 03/07/08

 

This picture is the total opposite of the one above because I actually know who sent it to me and WHY but I don’t quite remember what is going on in the actual picture. The inebriated-looking fellow in the photograph is a friend of mine named Mark and he’s holding a Persian cat named Lillian. I have this picture of him because he doesn’t photograph well at all, it’s one of a few pictures I have of him (the rest being on Facebook). The filename is the reason why I chose this picture because it’s a double entendre; “Weed” is the nickname that is given to that cat specifically but you can’t help but wonder if Mark sampled the real thing with that crazy look he has. He can have a purposefully creepy smile and he takes awful candid shots — that’s Mark! Write your own story about this picture and you may come close to what’s actually going on in it because your guess is as good as mine. One thing is for certain though, Lillian looks like she wants to get away but is too disinterested to do so.

 

21_Image45

DP21_School

FROM: Collision Cat | DATE: 12/03/07

 

Normally with pictures I know who is in them or at the very least who sent them to me, this one is a mystery in both departments. I attributed the sender as a friend of mine who goes by the name Collision Cat only because A) this picture is of a school setting and everyone is wearing uniforms and B) Collision Cat went to said school. That’s my best guess but I don’t recognize anybody in the photograph and I know for a fact the guy in the middle isn’t CC. It’s a toss up as to why he sent me this, maybe it’s because the guy on the left looks like Alfonso Ribiero? Or maybe it’s because the guy on the right looks like Thom Yorke from Radiohead? If that’s the case how come he didn’t send me a picture where either of the two of them were the subject of the photograph? Who knows. Maybe Pasty Kenan Thompson there in the middle is saying something funny making Alfonso laugh and Thom knowingly snicker because Radiohead is fucking awesome? I wish I could tell you. Instead you can do like what you did with Mark’s picture and CREATE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE!

 

21_Hillary

DP21_Hillary

FROM: Cosmic Audino | DATE: 01/07/08

 

Finally here’s a picture that I know everything about! I know who’s in it, why she’s dressed funny, and where she’s at! The only problem is that unless she wore this outfit twice she had to travel back in time to send me this picture! This is a picture, presumably taken in 2007 (?) of GatorAIDS columnist Cosmic Audino. She’s dressed as Dr. Eggman because she’s at an anime convention and that was her cosplay! Is it cross-dressing? Hell if I know but it’s a damn good costume that’s for sure; I’m not here to debate gender-shifting because that’s what I did last article when I tore apart In Focus. This picture was taken at the Holiday Inn in Corpus Christi, TX. The reason why I think she traveled through time is because while I wasn’t there at the convention in 2007 I was there in 2008 and Cosmic was wearing this cosplay because I saw her there that year. I also saw her in 2009 but she wasn’t wearing it because she was performing. I don’t know how cosplays work and if you’re supposed to retire them or what but I think my time travel hypothesis is pretty awesome so I’m just going to stick with it.

 

21_Pachinko

DP21_Pachinko

FROM: Cosmic Audino | DATE: 07/03/06

 

The girl in the photo above (above this one, moron) took this picture of this… very peculiar looking guy while she was in Japan. This guy, who is making an IRL “:o” face has apparently been playing Pachinko for so long that he hasn’t eaten in weeks, you can tell from the sunken cheeks. On the bright side though he’s got about twenty neon boxes full of Pachinko balls; I don’t know what one does with so many little metal balls but if he’s into airsoft I’m pretty certain he’s set for ammo for a long time or if his house is suddenly burglarized by a couple of kooky crooks he could dump the balls all over the floor and watch them slide around.  Additionally he could pair the trap up with Christmas ornaments and throw paint cans down the stairs for added effect and Home Alone relevance.

Cosmic claims she went to Japan and took this picture but frankly I’m not a believer. Where’s the giant robots? Where’s the scantly clad schoolgirls? And most importantly where are the tentacle demons raping the aforementioned schoolgirls? Hmm? That’s what I thought. This isn’t Japan at all. LIAR.

 

21_Sonic

 

PENTAX Image

FROM: Steel Pinata | DATE: 07/26/06

 

 

In the wide spectrum of things I really can’t believe how long ago this picture was taken, time flies. Rather than observe the Sonic plushies in the picture I defaulted to Steel Pinata’s laptop over to the side. He still has that thing, holy shit that thing is old! Going back to the focus of the photograph he took this picture when he traveled to Maryland (the state not the magical world full of lambs) and sent it both to me and… well, the girl two pictures above who took the picture of the Pachinko guy. Come to think of it Cosmic is inadvertently the subject to some extent in like half of the pictures in this article, whoops. Anyway Steel Pinata presumably played Ski-Ball a hundred times to bring us both these home. Eagle-eyed viewers may notice that the Amy Rose doll ended up in my possession because it turned up in an album cover of mine seen here.

The Tails doll (no, not the creepy Tails Doll) ended up in Cosmic’s possession and the reason it has tape on its head is quite simple. Back in middle school (ie: like a decade ago) she had a knack for doodling her friends as little anthropomorphized characters. If you must know, I was a sledgehammer-wielding robot fox. Don’t ask. For some reason she drew Steel Pinata with tape stuck in his hair and if she had sent me that picture via MSN I’d likely plaster it up here as well. Instead you can just picture Tails… with tape in his hair.

 

21_JakeLong

DP21_JakeLong

FROM: Collision Cat | DATE: 11/01/09

 

You ever wonder why we can’t have nice things? This picture is why we can’t have nice things. It doesn’t matter what it is, the Internet — specifically the furry fandom — will find it, drawn porn of it, and then put it in a diaper and make it do a heel click. This was sent to me without any context whatsoever by the same fellow who sent me the picture of the students further up in this article, Collision Cat. From his username alone you can conclude that he’s a furry and over the past few years he’s sent me ironic porn of literally everything (some of which I considered putting into this article but opted otherwise). But then he sent me this. I remember what he said when he sent me this too, he said “here, check this out” and sent me that picture. Nothing more, nothing less. I opened the file he sent me and my heart sank.

“I hate you for this,” I said. “I hate you a lot.”

– Dracophile

Well, about a week ago I posted here in regards to this “hacking” that took place on Twitter supposedly carried out by the “iRANiAN.CYBER.ARMY”, a group I assume is comprised entirely of Iranian 11-year-olds who are unable to get their pilots licenses yet so rather than waste time playing with trash and AK-47’s they took the liberty of jazzing up Twitter late 90’s style.

I wanted to be all over this like some kind of a racist joke about rice or Ethiopians so I sent an email out to this “army” posing as a Norwegian news reporter. My email, as you can probably still see on the front page of GatorAIDS.com, was mostly a stab at them thinly veiled as an interview. Honestly in hind sight that was probably a stupid move and they might have bombed my house but then again these people were dumb enough to use Gmail and that’s unfortunately the nail in the casket here; I emailed them and the next day when I checked my inbox I had that ominous message from the MAILER DAEMON informing me that my message delivery was “permanently failed forever” or something equally as insulting and demeaning. Thanks Google, thanks for telling me that I EPIC PHAIL’D LOLZ on sending terrorists an email.

I’ve attempted to look into this “news” further since it happened so I’d have at least something of merit to say but honestly trying to search for anything just brings up an equal portion of idiot bloggers echoing the sentiment “OH NOEZ TEH TWITTAR WAS HAXORD ;______;” and politically-skewed news websites trying to groundlessly tie this into some kind of Anti-American attack ON AMERICAAAAAAATERRORISMMMBLARGH. After wading through all of this nonsense online I have come to this conclusion: Twitter fucking deserved it, and they deserve to have it happen again. Just look at how stupid the people who take it as SRS BIZNZ are acting about it. Seriously. Twitter barely passes as “social media”, it’s more like text message trash that you’d never want to read and had the pool of Tweets not been tainted by middle-schoolers talking about how they want to bang the cast of Avatar or whatever maybe Twitter would have sufficed as a kind of syndication if RSS hadn’t been developed some five fucking billion years ago.

Where’s the job application for that CYBER ARMY OF IRAN because I’d like to be in on their next op.

– Roastmaster

For those of you who don’t use Twitter or follow the news or even pay any attention to the Internet Twitter was hacked the other day (lol Faux Newz). Even more hilarious than the fact that someone was ballsy enough to try and hack such a worthless website is the fact that it was done by the iRANiAN.CYBER.ARMY (it helps to play a dramatic sting in your head when reading that). I totally didn’t embellish that name at all, that’s what these jokers seriously called themselves and rumor has it that they attacked Twitter as an anti-American effort online… while their provided contact information is a GMail address. I’m not sure if these people are just oblivious or completely retarded but GMail is something located in the United States, so nice job contradicting yourselves there guys, mad props to you. They must have called Google Tech Support and gotten an outsourced call and thought they were one of their own.

roastmaster_Twitterhack

PRAISE ALLAH!

But while we’re on the subject of GMail I noticed that they did indeed provide a means to contact them, so under the guise of “Robert Maestro” I sent them the following email. I’ll let you know what their response is as soon as I get it assuming they don’t blow my house up first.

Greetings iRANiAN.CYBER.ARMY,

On behalf of a virtually unknown media outlet in Norway I would like to first commend you for the undertaking of disabling Twitter! I couldn’t help but notice that you left this email address as a means to contact you because you are Xxx-HaRdKoRe-1337-xxX hackers so please, I invite you to answer just a few questions for an assignment I have been given. Taking out a popular American service used only by 13 year olds to flirt with each other, soccer moms who want to inform the world of their latest bowel movement, and furries to promote their equally atrocious work is certainly one of the biggest accomplishments that will be seen in this passing decade! It will absolutely make the list of things in VH1’s sure-to-be-upcoming “I Love The 00’s”, just think how great it will be to hear Z-list American “celebrities” like Flava Flav and Bil Dwyer comment on YOUR work!

Firstly, I must ask you – why Twitter? Now, I am definitely not trying to assign inappropriate and racist labels, but the defacing of websites is normally called “cyber-terrorism” all over the world. Do you think that perhaps there are other, perhaps bigger, “priority targets” out there online? What about MySpace? That website is full of music that makes people commit hate crimes and also bisexual women of dubious origins named Tila Tequila who get bad reality TV shows, but mostly just the music and hate crimes part. Even Facebook, what with all of those “mature” college-aged students posting pictures of them at drunken frat parties or giving fellatio to a goat (at drunken frat parties)? Wikipedia would be great for some covert ops because they never have their things together so your attacks would be small and go unnoticed for months until you pull the big heist! I’d say that taking out Twitter in the wide spectrum of things is a rather moot accomplishment because it’s mostly text message vomit but I’d really love to hear the story behind it.

Secondly, I’m just going to have to come on out and ask this, what’s with the “HACKED BY” image you left on Twitter? I mean, I’ve been using the Internet for a very long time and the last time I saw an image like that was in the late nineties whenever some script kiddie hacked a Pokemon fansite that he didn’t like and wanted to get back at the webmaster for ripping him off in a card trading deal. I am not speaking from personal experience, I promise. But really, the black background and bright red text with random capitalizations? You’re Iran!! You couldn’t think of anything scarier or more ominous than that? If you’re going to take the Internet as SERIOUS business then it’s gonna take a lot more than a picture of a flag and some red letters in Birch STD to scare someone. Birch STD isn’t even a scary font, you gotta whip out the serious guns like Impact or Jokerman if you want to get a point across, because Impact says “hey you, you listen here mister”.

Finally, my last question, you’re a “cyber army”. Does this mean you’re an entity affilaited with the Iran government? If you are then why are you using an email address provided by GMail? Is there not an [email protected] address available? I mean, I know it must take some serious balls to say “hey Twitter take this” and completely deface the website and prevent people from knowing which celebrity Ashton Kutcher is taking pictures of with his Nikon camera but you gotta have that government email address as that final detail on your masterpiece to say “yeah we totally did this also Twitter sucks”.

Can’t wait to hear back for my story and thanks for your time!
– Robert Maestro
Senior Editor in Chief, Worldly News Weekly

– Roastmaster

eBay has had this new thing on their homepage for a while that contains a bunch of various odds and ends at “deep discount” prices and free shipping. It’s called the Daily Deal and it’s basically an excuse for people to liquidate their inventory of mindless artifacts that they can barely give away let alone sell at MSRP. Every so often something actually worthwhile will show up like an overabundance of copies of Halo 3: ODST (if that’s your thing) but usually the Daily Deal is the victim of crap like Rock Revolution with it’s guitar and drum controllers for $14.99. Keep in mind shipping is FREE so whatever poor sap was cursed with a back-stock of copies of that terrible game is willing to lose money instead of keeping the boxes around. You could build a fort with all of those and then have a pretend band full of guitarists and dummers banging on miniature drum sets that have no less than 20 drum pads. Think of the possibilities!

I can say with a clear conscience yes I have purchased things from the Daily Deal. I bought a copy of V: The Complete Series from the 1980’s and a camera tripod. I won’t, however, find myself buying any of the following pieces of crap passed off as a “deal”.

7 Port USB 2.0 Hub

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Don’t be distracted by the non-complimentary LEDs.

It seems kind of random of me to start an article with a 7-port USB hub that looks pretty ordinary if you ignore the fact that it resembles a cassette tape with teeth but that’s exactly what this seller wants you to think (no, not the teeth thing, the ordinary-looking thing). Answer me this, have you ever seen a 7-port USB hub before? Ever? No? Why is that? That’s because it’s a stupid idea considering most people don’t have a USB device for every day of the week. This mass-produced (and cheaply made) overseas “knock off” USB hub is an accident waiting to happen. The original listing for this item basically encourages you to try and burn your house down all while being distracted by the pretty lights.

“Perfect for connecting USB 1.1 and 2.0 peripherals such as […] USB 1.1 hubs!” Seriously? I thought seven ports was about four too many but are there people who are seriously considering plugging hubs into hubs with the end result resembling something like the Griswold Family’s Christmas lights in Christmas Vacation? The fact that these things light up for no apparent reason (and have this marketed as a “Feature”) makes me feel like someone is going to try and attempt this only because the seller suggests them to do so. You have to plug these things into an AC wall outlet which means that if you buy a bunch of hubs you’re going to need a bunch of surge protectors or wall outlet splitters to accommodate all of these damn things.

“Sale” Price: $8.49

Superman Inflato-Suit

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HELLO LADIES.

Around Halloween (I’ve been collecting crap deals for a while I guess) eBay started listing a bunch of costumes for kids in the Daily Deal line-up. This one was my favorite. Having worn an inflatable costume in my lifetime I know how cumbersome and not-fun these things are to wear but of course this has likely been dumbed down for a child’s Halloween costume. The fact remains that you still have to walk around with a little jetpack-looking thing on your back that makes a whirring sound implying that you’re either a robot or you are stealing somebody’s laptop by trying to hide it in your ass. If you look closely the “I’m a computer thieving robot” device is actually hanging off of the little belt and does a pretty good job of not blending into the costume and makes Superman look more like someone who isn’t expecting a call but wants people to see his cool phone and less like someone who saves Earth from bald white guys with shiny green crystals.

I understand that the kid posing for the picture is doing his best to look like Superman but his costume is making him look like somebody who put his windbreaker on backwards, tucked it in, and then had time to spare to make his hair look like Bizarro Alfalfa. Great job, Superman.

“Sale” Price: $11.00

Soft-N-Fleecy “Wearable Blanket”

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You can’t copyright the idea of wearing a robe incorrectly.

There are omens meant to warn mankind of destruction and the end times and the Bible does a decent job of trying to warn people (if you believe in that) but here is something out of left field that likely wasn’t expected or interpreted in Jesus’ time: an off-brand Snuggie. The world has basically come full circle when the best idea someone has is to repackage a Snuggie under a different name which in and of itself is just a douchebag wearing a robe backwards because he is either drunk or assumes that he’s just in a really nice hospital. Whenever people make counterfeit televisions and iPods they take great strides to make their product appear identical because there’s a solid chance someone is going to be paying more than $12 for it and the piracy business is all about maximizing profit while narrowing costs to an extreme but seriously, a fucking Snuggie?

What’s the point of painstakingly making your box look exactly the same (albeit with confusing picture captions) when all anybody has to do is just hang their selection of bathrobes facing the other direction and call it a day?

“Sale” Price: $11.99

Day By Day Wall Clock

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It’s Sunday-Thirty.

At first glance this looks like a clock and by assuming that you are correct, it is indeed a clock. There is a theory in communication studies known as “expectancy violation” wherein if someone does something you aren’t expecting, in your bout of dumbfoundedness you attempt to seek information to find reassurance in whatever just happened. This clock is kind of like that; it takes your expectations about what a clock does and violates them in all the wrong ways. Just look at it now that you know something is wrong with it. It has only one hand and seven sections, if the days of the week weren’t there you’d assume whoever made this clock had no previous knowledge of what a clock was actually supposed to do let alone the inner workings of how one functions.

I think I understand the appeal of this clock, perhaps it’s for people who sell Avon out of their garage and don’t really have set times for their job, but for anybody else what good would this serve? This clock is only approximately correct at two times of the day and both times start with “12”. Everything else is a shot in the dark. If you had company over and they asked you what time it was and all you had was this stupid clock if you said “sometime between Monday and Tuesday” they would think you were acting like an ass until they looked for themselves to discover that your clock really doesn’t tell time and instead exists only to aggravate people who clock-in at their jobs instead of logging into Tupperware.com at some unknown hour in the morning.

“Sale” Price: $11.03 (and three cents?)

Vibrating Wizard Head Massager

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I don’t ever want to know what kind of toy this is.

I don’t know what this is but it’s one of the most horrifying things I have ever seen. Is it a model of the Merlin virus – or is it a MERLIN SPIDER? Either way if you found yourself in a dark alley and this was coming towards you twitching and scuttling around you’d be too scared to even shit your pants. I don’t trust that this is a head massager at all because I’ve seen a million products labeled as “massager” and while most of them looked like a cock none of them looked anywhere close to this monster. This looks more akin to the baby doll head robot from Toy Story, and quite frankly that was the stuff of nightmares. I wouldn’t trust putting this thing on or near your head because I believe that the second you do so the little copper legs will latch onto your face and the Merlin top will bore its way into your skull and turn you into a very magical zombie.

If it’s worth anything, this terrifying piece of torture is being sold by the same people selling the Snuggie knock off. I don’t even want to know what this is an imitation of.

“Sale” Price: $9.99

– Dracophile

LiveJournal fads are a dime a dozen and if you’re somewhat new to the Internet then replace LiveJournal with MySpace, and if you’re still greener than that then replace MySpace with Facebook, and if you’re still confused as to what I am talking about then just go away because there is no possible way you will take anything funny away with you after reading this article. Seriously, just go back to Google and idle at the wonders of what the Internet may have in store for you. Go on, click “SEARCH”; don’t be afraid it won’t bite, it’s only Google. “Only Google”, you know, since they can probably see what you’re doing right now with their satellites and Google Maps vans that have taken about 30 pictures of your house with their cameras; they know more about you than the CIA does. Get out your tinfoil hats.

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Encyclopedia Dramatica knows how it’s done.

For the rest of us who are enculturated with the… culture… of the Internet this article is for you. Having been online for over a decade I can remember a time when I once had a LiveJournal, at least learned how to use MySpace, and have a Facebook account. The one thing they all have in common aside from idiotic comments and modifications to your profiles are annoying fads that your friends “tag” you in and force you to fill out. It might be a list of the 100 most banal questions you’ve ever read to calculate your “sexy score” or it may be a list of 20 different “your five favorite” questions but regardless you know what I am talking about. In this article I will be doing my own “Your Life Playlist” meme to identify the official soundtrack of my sad sad life and my thoughts on the selection of songs for the different moments therein.

The instructions are simple; all I have to do is copy a list of “events” in my life and click Shuffle on my music playlist and write down whatever comes up. I’m not supposed to skip songs or omit tracks but if it lands on something from a video game soundtrack or a spoken-word album I will click Shuffle again just because there’s probably nothing funny about video game music or stand-up comedians unless of course I find out some asshole is going to play the Super Mario Bros theme at my funeral or if Jim Gaffigan is going to tell Hot Pocket jokes at my wedding.

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I live in the bottom left somewhere.

Opening Credits:
Butterflies
– Toad the Wet Sprocket
With a song that opens up talking about looking at the ocean and asking your father for a nickel (and later massacring moths with a moving vehicle) I honestly couldn’t think of anything more incomprehensible for an opening to my life. Since most movies open with a song relevant to the theme of the movie what the hell is this even supposed to mean in the wide spectrum of my life? I’m fairly certain if I asked my dad for a nickel out of the blue he’d ask me if I was trying to by weed off of him.

Waking Up:
Get It on the Floor – DMX
Considering that I have owned my computer since early 2006 the only reasonable explanation I can even think of for having this song is because it was part of a video project from the late RFSHQ (specifically The Show Must Go On, I think). Regardless, it looks like Windows Media Player likes to add whatever it finds in my Limewire folder so this is apparently the story behind the journey this song made to be in my life’s soundtrack because whenever I wake up the first thing I do is get in my truck and “ride in this motherfucker” while singing about people getting their dicks stuck in things and saying the word “nigga” a copious amount of times. Bark bark.

First Day of School:
Hello My Future Dance Mix – The Lounge Lizards (aka Dracophile)
Is it fair that one of my own songs turned up as a result in this meme? Furthermore, I think the more important question is what does a song about a lonely 11-year-old from New Mexico (cue HOT GUITAR LICKS) who wants a girlfriend have to do with school? I’ll tell you: absolutely nothing. Strangely enough Michael Blount (the person who unknowingly performed the vocals for this song) makes a key point mentioning that he’s “in the 6th grade in New Mexico” (again, more HOT GUITAR LICKS) so maybe there’s more to this than I originally thought…

Falling in Love:
I Want More – Chumbawamba
You see, at first to anyone who hasn’t heard this song may assume that this is a peachy song about wanting more in a relationship (and you can make a sex joke if you want) but if you’ve actually heard the song and know what it’s about, it’s about getting your face kicked in “oh so nicely” by the wonderful lads at Tearoom England, a story told in the chorus between stanzas of Chumbawamba-esque gibberish that makes absolutely no sense in any context or language. Perhaps at some point in my life when I fall in love it will be in a pub where I will be getting my ass handed to me in a takeout bag. I should be paying attention.

Fight Song:
Triangle Man (Cover) – Radio F
And again here I am showing up to crash this party. Firstly, I am aware that the original song by They Might Be Giants is actually titled Particle Man. This crappy cover version was performed by myself and RKPTJg on our spoken-word album from 1995. What I’m more intrigued about, though, is how appropriately this song fits into this category. Understandably the law of probability states that at some point in this article a song has to match up somewhere, so I guess now is as good of a time as any. Particle Man is a charming little diddle about various wrestlers who fight each other (and Particle Man never wins). What I’m taking from this track is that somewhere along the line in my life I am going to get beaten up by Universe Man and his watch with minute, millennium, and eon hands. I’m willing to bet he’s going to smash me with a pool cue at the Tearoom England, too.

Breaking Up:
Nightingale Song – Toad the Wet Sprocket
If there’s one thing this article is teaching is it’s that I should probably pay more attention to Toad the Wet Sprocket because thus far they’re apparently twice as important as DMX and Chumbawamba. Nightingale Song is a short ballad that leaves a lot open for interpretation but strangely enough if you wanted to read into it enough there’s a possibility that it discusses, in the wide spectrum of the world, the insignificance of a failed relationship. By my count this song should have played about 3 or 4 times now. Toad the Wet Sprocket is going to make a crapload of money off of my loveless life.

Prom:
Monkey Developers – Digital Droo
For some reason I do not recall my prom being as awesome as this song implies it should have been. 🙁

Life’s OK:
Brak’s School Daze: Gym Class – Andy Merrill
So it’s not exactly a song but I’m not going to pass this one up. Andy Merrill was the voice of Brak on the Williams Street (then known as Ghost Planet Industries) shows Cartoon Planet and Space Ghost: Coast to Coast. The album this track is from is a collection of Cartoon Planet skits and songs and the entire reason I bought it was for Brak’s diatribes and pointless stories and his songs about plants and dating. Hearing his story about a gym teacher who apparently only said “hey buddy, hey baby, hey boy” and any combination of those 4 words and subsequently making a D in gym class makes me smile every time. Yes, yes life will be okay because Brak’s mom baked him a cake out of excitement.

Mental Breakdown:
Set Adrift on Memory Bliss – PM Dawn
If there’s a movie being made about my life I am going to see it for this scene alone because I really want to see how someone can make a mental breakdown montage with this slow and peaceful track about someone’s dream girl. This is not an insanity song by any stretch of the word. This is a song you listen to while you’re on the beach and I’m fairly certain the music video for this very song takes place (surprise surprise) on a beach. A beach of crazy (and Hawaii).

Driving:
All I Want – Toad the Wet Sprocket
By this point you’re probably assuming that all I own are Toad the Wet Sprocket albums. This unprecedented string of events is indeed hilarious but in actuality I only own the CD single of this song and their album Fear. I think Windows Media Player knows I am writing this article just for the hell of it so I think it may have become sentient and is purposefully trying to screw with the results here. Truth be told I can sing a pretty good cover of this song (while driving), so be prepared to see a lot of this in Dracophile: The Movie.

Flashback:
St. Louis is Listening – Soul Coughing
Soul Coughing is a weird band with even stranger vocals. I can see them providing the soundtrack for me becoming a deranged dragon molester hellbent on toppling over every magazine rack at the local Wal-Mart (hey I’m INSANE here) but not for a flashback unless of course we’re in Family Guy and someone arbitrarily makes a reference to something being “as bad as that one time Dracophile knocked over the magazine racks at Wal-Mart”. Strangely enough Set Adrift on Memory Bliss, a song that’s actually about reminiscing and dreaming, was stuck with psycho duty.

Getting Back Together:
Millennium – Robbie Williams
It’s worth noting that since I am skipping spoken-word tracks and video game music one of the two tracks that didn’t make it to this spot was the Russian Roulette skit from the Whitest Kids U Know album. Just throwing that out there because it eventually settled on an uppity pop song from the late nineties made popular because it was a song that referenced the year 2000 and had idle mentions to “running out of time”, but of course later mentioned waking up and seeing sarcasm in someone’s eyes. Yes, my ex-girlfriend from earlier in this movie, I should have seen the sarcasm in your eyes when you stabbed me in the back or insulted me on a number of personal levels. Oh well, it’s Hollywood I suppose; I get a manufactured happy ending to my life unlike the harsh reality that is “IRL”.

Wedding:
Back 2 Good – Matchbox 20
Back 2 Good is a song that speaks to me on a personal level. It’s a slow song about people in a bar people who cheat and hurt each other hang out but don’t want to talk about it and know why everyone else is there. It’s a sad song about sad people living sad lives, and honestly I couldn’t think of a better song to play on what is most likely a day that will A) never happen or B) be incomprehensibly depressing anyways.

Birth of a Child:
Roses – Outkast
Inappropriate songs have a way of showing up at the best of times in this thing. I’m assuming that from what this song implies about my newborn child it will be a girl named Caroline; a stuck-up prissy bitch who gets whatever she wants half of the time, and the other half gets her cussed out or coming up short, even though she needs a golden calcul- wait a second am I just transposing the lyrics of this song into a sentence in this paragraph to make a point here? You can actually quote Outkast songs word for word and make a coherent sentence? That’s strange; maybe the Black Eyed Peas should be listening.

Final Battle:
Put Your Socks on Mama – Andy Merrill
Here’s Brak again, but at least this time it’s an actual song and not a spoken-word track. I don’t know what this track was going to be if I had just passed and gone to the next song, but I decided that the most climactic point in my life should be accompanied by a song whose only lyrics are “put your socks on mamma, now.” Imagine for a second any kind of high-tensity scene in a movie where someone is evading bad guys, disarming a bomb, or saving a box of puppies from a burning building. Now replace that orchestral score with Brak screaming about putting socks on his mother. That’s an Emmy waiting to happen right there.

Death Scene:
Feed the Gods – Rob Zombie
Judging by this track I am going to have a completely metal death scene. I’m picturing flaming hellfire dragons, Satan wailing on an electric guitar, Zeus firing lightning bolts all over the place, and basically anything else that happens in a KISS concert to transpire. I’ll be running with my box of rescued puppies while the demon ghost of Saddam Hussein opens fire on me with four AK-47’s duct taped together and Osama bin Laden tries to crash a hijacked plane into me (that’s what Saddam is riding on) while Hitler himself tears through the fiery terrain of Hell on a Panzer tank covered in “Vote for Bush” bumper stickers and firing out buckets of ninja stars. And there will be dragons, too. Speaking of dragons in an ironic turn of events the playlist for this section settled on a track from the original Spyro the Dragon video game soundtrack. It would be pretty ironic if he killed me. Hey, speaking of things that are ironic…

Ending Credits:
Ironic – Alanis Morissette
My whole life is basically one big joke with a punchline that I don’t quite understand (it must be from a Coen brothers movie). Dare I say… it’s ironic?

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Now available at Wal-Mart. By the magazines.

All in all I’d say that my movie is going to be pretty awesome. You should see it, if not for me for all of the Michael Bay explosions. Yeah, you heard me right. Michael Bay. Explosions.

– Dracophile