“Stick Figure Comedy” was an animated series created by TWX spanning nearly fifty installments . The series was made using the animation program Pivot and was RFSHQ’s first featured series. This page contains every installment of the “Episodez in Space” spin-off series.

Episode 1:

nac_space_1

Click the links below to see the rest of the series.

Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6

– TWX

“Stick Figure Comedy” was an animated series created by TWX spanning nearly fifty installments . The series was made using the animation program Pivot and was RFSHQ’s first featured series. This page contains every installment of the “New Age Comedy” spin-off series.

Episode 1:

nac_1

Click the links below to see the rest of the series.

Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7

– TWX

“Stick Figure Comedy” was an animated series created by TWX spanning nearly fifty installments . The series was made using the animation program Pivot and was RFSHQ’s first featured series. This page contains every installment of the original animation series.

Episode 1:

nac_sfc_1

Click the links below to see the rest of the series.

Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Episode 8
Episode 9
Episode 10
SFC Kill-A-Thon
SFC Battle Royale
Last Episode Ever

– TWX

Taking exploitable web comics and putting offensive text on them is a common pastime here at RFSHQ. Today we bring you a collection called “Church For Kids” as interpreted by our members.

churchforkids_ACAMS

ACAMS clearly was the author of Morning Glory Comics.

churchforkids_chiZ

chiZ goes for the easy way out. Right into a young boy.

churchforkids_DevilsElbow

DevilsElbow shamelessly tells it like it is.

churchforkids_Gamecue

Gamecue is our obligatory exaggerated n00b.

churchforkids_Krazy

kraZy has never found the buildup to that punchline.

churchforkids_Mean2u

mean2u once threw up during communion.

churchforkids_MetalTails

“The Pope looks like Hitler.” – Metal Tails

churchforkids_Nightbringer

No, Nightbringer was actually Morning Glory’s author.

churchforkids_RadioFSoftware

Radio F Software signed this because he is an idiot.

– The RFSHQ Forums

 

Nothing pisses me off more than military recruiters. You know who I am talking about; the scum of the planet, they do nothing but scour schools and public places looking for the “lost” who are unsure on what they want to do with their lives. They give you the biggest bullshit speech ever and they don’t go away. They are programmed to not understand the concept of “no”, they treat it like it’s some new twist in life that they were not informed of.

In fact, just recently I had to put up with one of these pieces of work. It all began when he and his assistant visited my foreign language class and gave “The Bullshit Speech”. At one point this involved asking random people what field of study they wanted to do to further their careers. Some people said mechanics, some said medical. Others said things like engineering. After every person Sargent Dipshit said something like “There’s a position for that in the Army.”

He pointed to me.

“What do you want to do?” He asked.

I looked at him for a second. I knew how to get him; I wasn’t going to play his game.

“I want to be an actor and a writer,” I finally said.

He paused. He paused because there’s no bullshit course in the military that involves acting or writing. He was at a loss for words, said some uninspired “best wishes” and just went to the next guy. Afterwards, before class was over, he was talking to me about joining to help pay for college. I wasn’t impressed.

“How about help to pay for college?” He says.

“I don’t want to join the military, thanks but no thanks, okay?” I say back.

“We can help you pay for loan-”

“NO.” I cut him off as I walked out.

The kid behind me had some questions so I left class and went to lunch hoping to finally have some peace. No. The fuckers followed us to lunch. I saw them walking toward my table; I was pissed off. Luckily, someone pulled him over to their table.

Now was my chance. I got up and went into the cafeteria line to go buy an ice cream cone. Hopefully if I was stuffing my face with something they’d take the hint and leave me alone. Nope. I come back, take a huge bite of that ice cream cone, and just as he walks by he motions for me to get up and come talk to him. He won’t get his sorry ass over here and talk to me instead.

Irritated, I say “Yeah?”

He has the nerve to say the same exact shit to me all over again. I can’t take anymore of this. This is like date rape. NO MEANS NO, OK?

“Look, I’m not gonna join. I don’t support this shit we are ‘fighting’ for. No. Means. No. I can pay for college. I don’t need Uncle Sam giving me a reacharound, you catch my drift? I want to keep to myself and do what I want to do. It’s my life, quit trying to pressure me into this bullshit you stretch and wave around. Now leave me alone before I report you for harassment.”

And that ended it. Apparently playing the “harassment” card is the only way to get these dickwads to leave you alone.

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: Following the original publication of this article on RFSHQ, an update was posted in the community forums detailing how this particular recruiter was eventually banned from the campus over repeated complaints of persistent harassment.]

I was watching Kids Say The Darnest Things once and thought “wow, those are some stupid questions Bill Cosby is asking kids”. Then, I thought it would be funny if I asked a bunch of random people from the RFSHQ forum to ask me questions and I’d answer them. Here’s some good ol’ Q & A with me, Dracophile.

 

Be0t asks: Will any Dracophile branded sex toys be available to buy?
As soon as Cafepress will let me put my logo on a rubber dong, they’ll be up for sale.

 

Eyce from Australia asks: What is your opinion on Cow’s Genitals appearing in X-Rated Hardcore Porno movies?
I voted against that in the last voting thing. Democracy! *salutes*

 

Long time buddy peaceloveandhappiness says: What would you do if your head exploded?
I would search on eBay for a new one, but I would have to shop around for the best price. Also, stealing that clay bust of Lionel Ritchie from that one music video he made is a possibility.

 

toAst shows up to ask: How many licks till you get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?
I actually lost count at around 50 since I dropped it, and I was not sure if the shattered pieces counted or not, or how many penalty licks to add on. I will try this experiment again sometime though.

 

mean2u from RFSHQ asks: “How do you spell FBI?”
Last time I checked, W-I-L-L-S-M-I-T-H.

 

devils elbow, aka Clueless lives up to his name with: Can I have my own forum section?
If we gave you one we would have to give everyone one. I don’t have that kind of space man. InvisionFree does, they whore their servers over there.

 

RFSHQ administrator derverger challenges my reputation with: Would you make love to a dragon if the opportunity arose?
Giggity.

 

Gamecue asks: Isn’t Ellen Degeneres awesome?!
Hilarious.

 

toAst asks: ANAL, ORAL, VAGINAL, OR ALL OF THE ABOVE?
Yes I want fries with that.

 

Gamecue barges back in to yell: DON’T YA WANTA FANTA?
Absolutely. I just hope those singers don’t come with it.

 

mean2u returns to ask: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Ask Ken Jennings.

 

Gamecue sends in: Does love really mean never having to say you’re sorry?
No, love means that if we ever get into a fight half of my stuff is yours.

 

mean2u sends: How much do prostitutes cost for an hour in Hawaii?
A pineapple.

 

Eyce, an aspiring porno director, asks: What is your idea of Purple Monkey Dishwashers raping innocent 40 year old women with a large rank, at the stroke of 12 noon, and have it published on DVD?”
That’s probably someone’s fetish.

 

WardenX sends in: What would you do if bears rose up and demanded the right to vote?
I’d raise the price of gas.

 

Dr. Seuss wannabe HackerX asks: Would you kill a man for a Klondike bar?
Depends on the flavor.

 

Would you kill a man in a people house?
…the hell is a “people house”?

 

Would you kill a man in a tree?
What is that, a racist joke?

 

Would you kill a man with a fox?
Oh god furries…

 

Would you kill a man in a box?
A box? Wait a second…

 

Would you kill a man here or there?
…I know what’s going on here.

 

Would you kill a man anywhere?
I hate Dr. Seuss.

 

Paranoid bot guy asks: DRACO! I KNOW YOU TOOK MY LAWN GNOME!
toAst jacked your gnome because he thought it was the one from those Travelocity commercials.

 

chiZ is depressed because: Why did you piss on my windows?
Sorry, I thought that turned you on.

 

toAst asks: How many grapes can you fit in your mouth without smushing them or choking to death?
Like a million.

 

Asuyuka Meya Kimeno sends in: Can you juggle three mint pies on your nose and feet?
I can barely write legibly. I doubt I can do that.

 

Mr. Apocalypse fears failing Science because: Which one gives off a better caffene rush, Pepsi or Coke-Cola?
Mountain Dew

 

MantaS. lurks the forums and asks: What would you do to Jack Thompson if you saw him?
I’d ask him if he wanted a cup of hot coffee.

 

mean2u is desperate because: Are you god? Please bless my gf with larger boobs.
I’m not God but, I can try….. are they bigger yet?

 

Nightbringer wonders if it’s okay to fap if: Is Sebastian in The Little Mermaid meant to be black?
I don’t know if all Jamaicans are black, but their Flavor-Aid tastes like ass.

 

Gamecue rebounds and asks: What do you want for Christmas seriously?
I want my family to vanish so I can party, order pizzas, and throw paint cans at robbers.

 

K.K sends: Who’s the best Ghostbuster?
Rick Moranis

 

TLW sits on my lap like I’m Santa: What is life other than a large furty basterd?
*nods like I understood what the hell he just said*

 

MantaS. asks: What’s better: dry cereal or cereal with milk?
Chex Mix.

 

bot guy ponders the mysteries of the universe: WHERE’S MY SOCKS DRACO?!?! I KNOW YOU STOLE IT!!!
More importantly, how did you make “socks” singular?

 

kraZy gets down (to business): Why do you still think these are funny?
I don’t.

 

Be0t is dead serious, seriously: Will you jack off to dragon porn later?
*shakes fist* INSIDE JOKES!!!

 

peaceloveandhappiness throws salt on open wounds: Carrots are good for your eyes, but can they dial a phone?
That’s not funny anymore, man.

 

chiZ forgot his RFSHQ model number: Does this come with a milkshake and does it have patented yard technology?
The milkshake is sold separately, but if you buy it, it brings all the boys to the yard.

 

And thus, the demon beast known as Q&A With Dracophile was laid to rest with a single bullet between the eyes.

– Dracophile & The RFSHQ Forums

Zimons

Lemons are yellow and sour.

I’ve recently been wondering why are lemons yellow and why do they taste so sour?

And for that matter why are they called lemons?

Why not zimons or super sour little yellow round fruit things?

And sour is such a bitter word, why not say something like “it’s zour and it makes my lips pucker”?

I wonder who thought to use it to make lemonade.

Maybe they were really thirsty and had nothing else to drink so they drank grape juice and said “Hey I should make a drink out of these super sour little yellow round fruit things!”

– Steel Pinata

The Habitat

The Habitat; it’s like a bed & breakfast you could say, with nicely furnished cabins and a cool loft you can sleep in. When I say nice furnishings, that’s not sarcasm. There were chips and salsa waiting in the mini-fridge when we got there. Homemade salsa too, not the weird Taco Bell brand crap.

There’s also a little book the guests can sign and write notes to the owner, Wayne. I was incredibly bored since the batteries of my Game Boy conveniently died out an hour after getting there, the salsa was all gone, and no one wanted me to kick their ass in Scrabble. I picked up one of the books and started reading what people were saying. They were all positive and mosty “Will be back soon!”. General cutesy stuff.

However, one entry from 1999 caught my eye, and was morally disturbing. Since old people usually come to places like this, I assumed the average age of most of the comments were from people 50 to 60 years of age and from out of state of course. For his sake, I won’t disclose this person’s name, but it was from a guy and the content of his message was enough to make any sane man flip out on mental images.

And I quoteth “I don’t know if I should say this or not, but the salsa gives sex a run for its money.” Mmmm, nothing better than an image of some 60 year old guy naked after eating that whole jar of the salsa provided. Even worse, a 60 year old guy banging his 60 year old wife while eating that salsa. Right there I should have stopped reading, but I guess I had to finish it.

“I was enjoying a nice skinny dip in the lake until ‘da gator showed up!” No bullshit. This is what was written in this little book full of things saying “We loved the alligator!” and “Will be back soon!”. Now, not only is the salsa tarnished by naked 60 year old men, the view of the lake now holds a very dark secret. If you let your eyes get sleepy, and look at the lake, I bet you can see this man enjoying himself in that lake.

TheHabitat_edit

Infiltration by RFSHQ!

Update: RFSHQ forum user Pediatric Gynecologist paid a visit to The Habitat and left them a message in the book.

– Dracophile

M3367S-4504

Can’t let you do that, Dracophile.

Ever seen the commercials for those Sharper Image “Ionic Breeze” things? Not sure what they’re really called, but they “clean” your air. We own one now. It’s not exactly like the Ionic Breeze, but damn close. It ‘purifies the air’.

No, it doesn’t.

It makes the air smell like ass and moldy wet cardboard boxes. I came home from school today and thought there was a serious leak and hoped the plumber was there to fix it.

“What is that smell?!” I ask.

“It’s the new air purifier I got.”

Purifier? It smells like ass and boxes!”

“…maybe that’s what clean air smells like?”

It’s sitting in the hallway of the house shining its eerie blue glow which you can see in the picture. It smells awful. I want polluted air again. I want to breathe in deep breaths of air that will give me lung cancer. This air is “too clean” if this is what clean air smells like. I farted near it and nothing happened. The air purifier instantly cancelled out the gas and didn’t even flinch.

It also makes everything feel wet. I walked past it and my face felt wet. Not wet like sweating, wet as in I just stuck my face into the time-programmed water sprayers in the grocery store vegetable aisle.

The air purifier looks like a modded PC. If it was it would be pretty cool, but it’s not. It makes the air smell bad, real bad. My room is what used to be the attic; it’s obviously the top of the house. I like cold and I never get that perfect temperature in my room. Ever. Heat rises. The bottom half of the house is nice and cool. As soon as you are three steps from my room, boom heatwave. I have 3 fans in my room plus an air conditioner. Still hot.

My room “cooks” the air as it gets in here. Therefore, my room always smells like burning paint and video game plastic. Now it smells like burning ass and wet boxes. Thanks a lot Sharper Image.

Update: I’ve been informed this “smell” was actually ozone, and that if we were smelling it the system was cranked up way too high. If left alone we all probably would have gotten ill. Thanks again Sharper Image.

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: This article was the inspiration for the “Sharperer Image” project website almost a full decade after its original publication on RFSHQ.]

The Tube

I spend lots of my time being a general asshole about a lot of pressing issues. My responses to matters at hand are whimsical or sarcastic, but if you read for depth, you would see I’m making a statement. When I was asked about fur farming after viewing a video from the PeTA website I simply said “add some heavy metal rock to it and it’ll kick ass.” Why? Because shit happens. All the time.

The same goes for Terri Schiavo. Terri Schiavo was one of approximately 6 trillion cases on letting braindead medical patients die. It happens all the time. This time it was “of national importance” because the families were all broken up and the husband was being all pissy and whatever. Boo hoo hoo. Is it sad? Yes. It is nationally noteworthy? No.

Have you seen the movie The Ring? The one where that girl gets thrown into a well and lives for 7 days? Terri lived without food or water too. For 13 days. Terri kicked the shit out of that girl. However… what would happen… if a tape mysteriously showed up and upon viewing it, you had only 13 days to live? Now, without further adieu, here’s “The Tube”.

 

Lewis is an aspiring comedian who writes for his own website. His friend, Eric, likes to joke around too. It’s 9:30 AM on a Thursday, March 31st morning. Recently Terri Schiavo has been taking control of the news single-handed… uh… single-handedly in a metaphorical way since she can’t move. It didn’t come as a shock to the two comedians when they heard she died. She wasn’t fed for 13 days.

Their friend Ronnie, who is Asian and they like to piss him off about it, comes up to them and starts making jokes. All is funny and good, and then people get pissed at their stabs at Terri and then eventually everyone pretty much quits giving a shit and forgets about Terri, because, something more important has happened. Giant… uh, mutant… BUNNY RABBITS have invaded Ch– Chinapan and are wrecking everything! (Yeah I’m going this route.)

Well, it’s been 12 days or so since the bunnies and since Terri died. Lewis and Eric are busy looking up porn on the Internet when a certain news bulletin on MSN.com catches their attention. “Disturbing Terri Schiavo tape found”. They clicked the article expecting to see some medical malpractice crap, but instead it was a lengthy documentation describing a video that was found in a flea market shortly after her death was announced. MSN said some crap like, it was footage of her in a hospital bed flying off of dirt ramps and falling off and driving it off cliffs and then random shots of water, a rubber factory, Richard Simmons workout tapes, and reruns of Good Times.

It was worth a good laugh. Then the next day some jerk off in California was found dead in his living room. The authorities are baffled at his death. The victim’s face looked like he had died of hyperventilation by laughing too much. They found in the VCR an unlabeled tape of Terri Schiavo’s off road escapades with Richard Simmons and Chico & The Gang. The kid died 13 days after viewing the tape.

Obviously, Eric was 100% for finding this tape. He went to the #1 reliable source for anything you want: eBay. Sure enough he found the tape listed there, but oddly enough he found it while searching for “Hot Playboy Party #7 boobies tits btatas yum yum” The bidding was up to 5 dollars (Canadian) and so Eric bid 37 cents and won the tape and refused to pay. When the seller emailed him, Eric sent him Goatse and then the seller called it a fair trade.

So with the auction won, the two comedians sit around. And sit around. Played Pokemo-I mean, sat around. And then as Lewis came home from school he saw a huge box, the size of a freezer box, on his porch. He phoned Eric who came right over.

“You open it,” Eric said.

“No fuckin’ way asshole, you won the auction.”

Eric glared and then took the tape off the box. Sure enough the tape was there, and there was also this 8 year old little bitch who kept spouting out random crap about the video and Terri. He was pretty damn annoying, and after 5 minutes the two were already tired of him. They took the tape inside, and the kid followed, even though they shut the door on him.

Eric was putting the tape in the VCR when the kid said, “I don’t think you sh-”

He was cut off by Lewis who was sitting on the couch, “MAN SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

The yelling caused the kid to start crying, and then Eric started laughing so the kid was crying more and Lewis was cracking up and the kid cried so much he died. It turns out they were ripped off. The tape that was sent was actually a compilation of Kodak film commercials, but since the two tapes seemed so close, they didn’t know the difference.

There was no phone call after the movie was over, and the movie lasted like 4 and a half hours. 2 hours of the tape was some jackoff doing yo-yo tricks. However, the yo-yo tricks were so fucking awesome it had to be paranormal Terri Schiavo stuff happening. When the yo-yo show was over it showed a bunch of sports clips, and then some stock video of rivers. Then the movie ended with the Kodak logo.

“This means something.” Eric said.

“Yeah. We got 13 days now.” Lewis replied. “We need to go to Kodak River or something and do yo-yo tricks or else the ghost of Terri Schiavo will never rest.”

“Damn dude. What else was on that tape? Shit I saw a lot of basketball. Do they even play that in fuckin’ Kodak?!”

“I hope so or else we’re goners. Let’s go to Expedia.com and get some plane tickets.”

“Awesome.”

It turns out a typographical error “Sexpedia” instead of “Expedia” kept the two entertained for a few hours before they bought plane tickets. Even worse, the ones they bought were for Beijing, China which is nowhere close to Kodak. Lewis said he learned a lot in history and said for sure Kodak was walking distance from Beijing.

The next day the two end up in Beijing and are thoroughly confused with the time change and if that counts toward the 13 days or not. To answer the question they visited a Chinese medium who used an American Ouija board.

“DUDE! I know how to work this shit!” Eric said. “You like, move the thing and it says stuff.” Eric took command without asking the old man. He put his hands on the thing. “It takes a while.” Eric sat there for about an hour before he got pissed and threw the Ouija block across the room and stormed out unhappy.

The two walked for a few hundred miles spanning 7 or 8 days and didn’t end up in Kodak. They kept walking until they met face to face with a huge wall. In China.

“Great.” Eric said. “Since when is China like fucking Unreal Tournament? WHEN IS THERE FUCKING BOUNDARIES!! I THOUGHT THIS WAS REAL LIFE GODDAMN IT!!

~Player Eric has been kicked from server RFSHQ for Excessive Profanity.

Eric was still pretty upset about the whole wall thing. He walked over the the billboard that said “Welcome to the Great Wall of China!” and used some spray paint to make the sign say “Welcome to the Great Wall of VAGina!” It was worthy of a few deep laughs, and then the two realized that they only had 5 days left until Terri Schiavo’s dead ghost would hunt them down.

They brainstormed on a bench when the light of God shined down on them. A bus passed them. It said Kodak Tours on the side. It was like Jesus got a Hot Wheels out of his collection and set it down in front of them. A tour bus. To ‘Kodak’. They both knew what to do.

Five minutes later…

Eric and Lewis were forcefully shoved out of the bus. “What the fuck. Tour passes? What kinda shit is that?!” Eric mumbled.

Lewis stopped him from walking as he had a great idea.

The two of them sat on the back bumper of the bus unnoticed and took a free ride that lasted 4 days and 4 nights. On the 5th day, oh wait. Hold on. They rode the bus for a long time. Then when the bus stopped at a gas station to refuel, they saw it. The Kodak Tobacco Factory. It’s not quite Kodak, but they knew it was the right place, and just in time.

“Waaaaait.” Eric said. “We need like, yo-yos and shit. Remember the tape?”

The two of them turned around and stared at the Chinese Circle K gas station. They would have what Eric and Lewis needed to conquer Terri Schiavo. They walked in and got 2 yo-yos each and said the dude on the bus will pay for it when hes done with the gas. They also picked up some basketballs and jerseys. They were ready.

5 minutes later they kicked open the doors to the tobacco factory. Lewis had dual yo-yos and was swinging those bitches around like no tomorrow. Eric had on the basketball jersey and was trying to do some mad basketball skillz. All of the Chinese sweatshop employees stared in confusion at the two Americans acting like total jackasses in their building.

Eric ran toward the industrial paper shredder and did a slam dunk into it. There was a loud bang as the basketball was totally destroyed and made into several little rubber rolling papers. The two of them kinda froze with that “oh shit” face. The yo-yos Lewis were swinging swung around and smacked him in the face.

There was a long silence as Eric looked into the paper shredder and Lewis bled profusely from his nose. Then all of the Chinese employees started laughing and clapping.

It was at that time they realized their journey was not about Terri Savano or whatever her name was… it was about the poor Chinese employees. It was about the bus driver they ripped off. It was about the Great Wall of VAGinas. It was about Bill Cosby and pudding pops.

That is what The Tube really is about. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of discounts at Wal-Mart.

THE END

– RKPTJg and Dracophile