Recently I was sent a link to an online catalog of… “shit”, for the sake of easiness and logic. It’s called Harriet Carter, and it’s essentially a repository of everything that’s “As Seen On TV”, only exponentially more shittier idea-wise and quality-wise. Some of the items in this catalog will be beyond human comprehension and made for uses you and I would never even think of. Do you need a really elaborate ten thousand piece candy crane to clean your gutter? Do you want one for $50? Harriet Carter’s your place then. Today we will be looking at the various failures on the site. This will no doubt be a huge project…
You’ll never have to buy poison traps or mouse traps ever again! Do you know why, exactly? Well, that’s because this magic little box of sheer pain will emit a noise so high pitched that prolonged exposure to it will probably give you brain tumors. Spiders and roaches seem to have a bit more intelligence than you do if they leave your house yet you stay behind living with this machine on. What’s the quality rating of this item? They spelled CONTROL wrong on the product. There’s your answer.
Oh ho, this is great! It’s a phone, but at the same time you can indefinitely piss everyone off that calls you by pressing buttons that play sound effects! It’s a grand idea! You can press the fart button every time a telemarketer or some jackass you don’t feel like talking to calls! It sounds like a killer deal, but then you have to remember these telephones are a novelty gift, so even though they might function and work fine for 4 days, you don’t know how educated that Asian kid was who assembled it. You might get a call from your boss asking you to come in Sunday so you decide to press the crap button. Next thing you know your entire block is leveled and the fire department is pulling your charred remains out of the kitchen.
Now your kid can be the coolest in class with his very own laptop! And by “coolest kid” I mean an embarrassed loser who has a computer that is missing a tennis ball sized chunk from the monitor portion. The laptop has an array of games that involve mashing random keys on the keyboard to get it to beep the right way. My money says half the buttons on this thing don’t so shit either, and that mouse has no ball in it or anything to classify it as “mouse” instead of “useless piece of plastic with extra buttons”. I wouldn’t trust any laptop that runs off of 3 AA batteries anyways. Hell, mine runs off of a Li-Ion battery and lasts only 2 hours.
Poker is all the rage these days I guess. Unfortunately, I think it’s called “Texas Hold ‘Em” nowadays and since I live in Texas people usually ask me if I know how to play Texas Hold ‘Em. What they don’t know is my version of Texas Hold ‘Em involves a basement, rope, duct tape, and a baseball bat (I call it “Texas Hold ‘Em For Ransom”). This “calculator” looks just like a real calculator that was just built wrong and they slapped some extra buttons on it in place of the function keys. Of course, this obnoxiously colored piece of shit would definitely not draw attention to you in any form of real game, would it?
No fancy advertising name here, but when you read the description they are special “noise reduction” headphones. The problem here is that all headphones do that when you’re actually playing something through it. However, this bitch thinks that these special ones are worth over $50. If I am spending $50 on fucking headphones they had better cook my breakfast, do my homework, drive my car for me, clean my room, and wake me up before they go go so I’m not hanging on the line of a yo yo. Nope. All they do is just offer “clarity” and “noise reduction”. Clearly this is a superb deal.
Oh yes, this will most definitely protect your home from intruders. In fact, I think it does. If I were a robber and I broke into your house and found this piece of shit I would declare you too cheap of a person to even steal from. I’d shut your alarm off by punching it dead on and leaving the property. Why they even bother to put a numeric keypad on this is beyond anything I could imagine. It should just have a switch for “ON” and “OFF” because you may as well walk into Iraq wearing a bullet proof vest made from paper. If you really think you are safe with this crap, because real security is too expensive, then you deserve to have your house broken into.
Join us next time when we visit more shitty products from the realm of Haaaaaaariet Carrrrrrrterrrrrrr!!!
1: Draco is not as gay as Brokeback Mountain, Brokeback Mountain is as gay as Draco.
2: Draco FOUND OUT who’s naughty and nice.
3: Draco does not read his watch, he interrogates it.
4: Draco does not dial down the center.
5: When Draco walks into McDonalds… you had better have your fuckin’ smile on.
6: Draco knows what Willis was talking about.
7: Draco can see why kids like Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
8: Draco knows how many bites it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
9: On every internet profile Draco has, he inserts the letter “D” under the Male or Female column. This is to signify that he fucks dragons.
10: Draco cuts his wrists and blacks his eyes.
11: Draco once shredded up a dead rat, mixed it with cat urine, and then patented it as a bottled beverage. Because of this patent it now costs the Kool Aid company 12 cents more per packet.
12: Draco always wins at rock paper scissors. Always.
13: Draco is 2 legit 2 quit.
14: Draco has never lost a fight, however, he has gotten the living shit beat out of him many times.
15: WW2 was actually settled by an international treaty that included a female citizen from the USA having to give birth to the most self-humiliating child in the universe so that the Nazi’s would have something better to hate. We know this child as Draco.
16: One plus one equals Draco.
17: Draco failed elementary school because his teachers did not believe in dragons.
18: Draco’s white blood cells can breathe fire.
19: Draco owes Jeopardy seven dollars.
20: Draco’s favorite movie is “Jurassex Park”
[Editor’s Note: Steel Pinata recounts his attempts at submitting snarky answers to test questions in high school.]
Assignment: Essay prompt for the book “1984”.
Winston has a lame life and so far, I really couldn’t care less for him. He needs some Prozac or something to make him feel better. Perhaps, if he wrote about the joys of lemons and why they are called lemons, then maybe he wouldn’t be so depressed all the time. Maybe his mother didn’t hug him enough so he feels lonely. That’s why I have a pet lemon. He always keeps me company and the best part is, you don’t have to clean up after them or even feed them! They’re the most perfect little buddies you could ever have. Why, even Big Brother has one and look how happy he is, and that is why God hates us. I mean look at how happy Winston was after he got his lemon and a bullet in his head. Now he is never sad.
Assignment: “The best person to represent humanity.”
I think that the best person to represent humanity would be George W Bush. He is smart because he is already in the fourth grade. Oh, and he can also color in the lines in a coloring book. That’s about it.
Assignment: “What is your favorite color and why.”
My favorite color is blue. Recently I’ve wondered “Why is blue called blue?” Why not azul or that color you get when you mix those two other colors just to make this particular color? There are so many colors and so many shades of blue like Baby Blue and Indigo Blue. I wonder who thought to call them that. It must have been a person with a lot of free time on their hands. Maybe they just wanted to paint a picture of dirt and they realized that their baby was eating blue paint and thought “Hey I should call that color you get when you mix those two other particular colors just to make this particular color blue… I mean baby blue!”. And then they didn’t make any money because Crayola stole the color and put it in a crayon.
Assignment Grade: N/A
– Steel Pinata
[Editor’s Note: This article was previously unpublished on RFSHQ and did not have any introductory copy written for it; after the community created their contributions to this article it was discovered that “Koma-Tan” is actually a manga about an underage quadruple amputee girl. This was deemed a bit too “fucked up” for the website and the user who posted the project was subsequently permabanned.]
– The RFSHQ Forums
Almost two years ago the state of Texas gave me a permit to drive a car. Getting there couldn’t have been easier and for that reason alone I think I should have failed the tests I took. Nothing of that level of importance should be that easy. But, you know, oh well. I passed and now I can drive my Ford Explorer whenever and wherever I want.
I took the Driver’s Ed class from my high school and our main teacher was a guy who was old to say the least. He fell asleep frequently during the lectures and 1970’s defensive driving movies. We watched a load of general crap in there and took some tests that were essentially eighty questions of “Are you stupid, Yes or No?”
No joke, one of the final exam questions read “When you see a sign that says STOP what should you do?” The choices were something like:
B) Adjust your speed.
C) Turn on your lights.
The real “challenge” came with the actual driving. To get the learner’s permit we needed 7 hours of actual driving with an instructor and 7 hours of just watching someone else drive. The best thing to do was to buddy up with someone and get one hour done of each in one sitting. Instructors came in two flavors: a cool black guy that would buy you a 44oz soda at the gas station and a large white woman that would buy herself donuts. Obviously, you wanted to ride with the black guy whenever you could, but sometimes that didn’t happen. I ended up spending six of the seven trips with the woman as well as the final exam. Joy.
I’d drive to Corpus Christi, the nearest city which was about an hour away, then switch with my partner and she would drive us home. We needed to park at some place to change drivers, but where would we go? “Just pull into Krispy Kreme” the instructor would say. The “crispy cream” name alone is enough to make you feel unwilling to eat, but the only thing worse than that is the sight of a woman eating a whole fucking dozen of them right before you, without even offering one to us, even if we had to split one.
No joke, she would buy a dozen donuts every time, and systematically eat all of them before we got home. Didn’t even bother to offer us one either. Worst of all, whenever you’d be driving she would of course sit in the passenger side… causing the car to literally pull to the right.
I am not saying that to be mean, but there was a noticeable difference whenever you were actually driving where the right front side of the car would be down more than your corner was; enough to make you aware of it and enough to pull the car to the right making left turns hell. She questioned me once before why I always made a right turn instead of a left, or why I made more rights than lefts. I simply said it was because I thought it was easier to do so…
Go fucking figure.
It was about 9 years ago, maybe more. It had to be a while back though, because my mom hadn’t finished all of her college classes. My dad was working all day for that particular week. I don’t exactly know why my grandparents couldn’t watch me. Maybe my grandma was sick, I don’t remember. However I do remember I spent a week in day care after school for about 2 hours every day while my mother was at school.
That was some kinda hell. The day care center has long been dead since those days. Good riddance. A skatepark now occupies the room where I once saw a kid try to skateboard on a large firetruck toy only to eat tile instead. Someone is probably rollerblading on the same place where I hid under a wooden deck playing with remote controlled cars.
However, the thing I will most remember Kids Castle Day Care Center for is the time we all crowded into two blue Chevrolet vans to go see Oliver & Company at the local (also now dead) cinema. Cinema 35 it was called, and it had one whole screen. They hauled us to the movies and its one screen glory to see an animated movie whose advertising song was that damn “Walking On Sunshine” track if I remember it correctly.
Out of the 20 someodd kids that were taken there, I only knew one of them. He wasn’t a close friend of mine, just someone I knew. His name was Waylon, I haven’t seen him in forever either. Now that I think of it, he was a pretty swell guy. The ride over was hell, the movie theater was about 5 miles from the daycare, and there were 10 kids in either Chevy van. It was like the Holocaust, just instead of taking us to the gas chamber they took us to Oliver & Company… which is pretty much the same thing so I’ll just run with Holocaust.
I don’t even remember the movie, I just remember using the dollar my mom gave me to buy some candy and dicking around with Waylon the whole time. We had a special “VIP” section, which was really just the middle 3 rows of seats sectioned off with masking tape. Still, being able to go into an area marked “RESERVED” is cool nonetheless. It’s like sitting down and announcing to everyone “Yeah, this is my spot”.
The movie ended, and we all stood up to leave. Well, Waylon had to use the bathroom, so I stuck around and waited on him. We went out into the lobby to catch up with the group of kids, and what do you know, a group of 18 kids and 2 fat women is nowhere to be seen! Waylon didn’t seem to notice, he was reading the “Coming Soon” poster for the movie Baby’s Day Out and seemed over-fucking-joyed about it. He would not shut up about Baby’s Day Out.
I was about six years old and alone with Waylon who didn’t know they left without doing a head count. I told him and he almost shit his pants (good thing he was just in the bathroom). We got the bright idea to see if they really did leave, because you know, maybe they are all in the bathroom right now and we just missed them on the way out. The two blue vans were missing, they fucking left without us.
I don’t remember the time, I just remember telling the cinema manager the stupid daycare left us behind. The manager said we could go watch the next showing of Oliver & Company while he called the daycare to tell them two kids were fucking left behind. It took them the duration of half the goddamn movie to get their asses back to Cinema 35.
This one is for you Kids Castle and the fat cunts who ran it. Fuck you.
RFSHQ administrator derverger seems to be the unknown hero of the site. He’s done so much that we’ve devoted an article in honor of him where users were instructed to complete a dot-to-dot puzzle and color it in. I seriously hope derverger isn’t easily offended.
– The RFSHQ Forum
FishofDoom from RFSHQ partner site Advanced Robot Combat came across a nice link to a “Make Your Own Car Ribbon” type of thing. He instantly began slapping one liners and funny sayings on the ribbons and the fad drifted to RFSHQ, where our forum users bumrushed the script to make ribbons over and over again. Here’s the bastardized brainchildren of our community.
– The RFSHQ Forums
“Stick Figure Comedy” was an animated series created by TWX spanning nearly fifty installments . The series was made using the animation program Pivot and was RFSHQ’s first featured series. This page contains every “Stick Figure Comedy Shorts” animation.
Click the links below to see the rest of the animations.
“Stick Figure Comedy” was an animated series created by TWX spanning nearly fifty installments . The series was made using the animation program Pivot and was RFSHQ’s first featured series. This page contains every installment of the “Stickbotics” spin-off series.
Click the links below to see the rest of the series.