[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]
Last year RFSHQ was terrorized by great deals on an assorted collection of bastardized “household furnishings” provided by Harriet Carter, boasting “distinct gifts since 1958”. If by “distinct” they mean “overpriced gimmick shit we stole from Sharper Image’s dumpster” then unfortunately we cannot slam them for false advertising. You know what I’m talking about — last time we were subjected to expensive headphones and crazy Texas Hold ‘Em handheld cheating devices. Face it, if you’re playing Texas Hold ‘Em, you’re already at the lowest you can possibly be so cheating won’t set you back any farther. With that out of the way, five new items of the financial apocalypse are ready to take their final stand at RFSHQ.
Have you ever owned a desk fan and then thought to yourself “gee I wonder what this would look like if I duct taped a Simon onto it”? Finally, someone has invented a party favor that not only poses as a probable fire hazard, but also has made mass-hypnosis economically available to the public. As the website says, it “spins its magic into your home to add a new dimension to any party” which leads me to believe this really is indeed some form of mind control device (used to get you to take advantage of more great Harriet Carter deals I presume). And what do they mean by “magic”? Is this thing about to spin like mad and grant wishes? Furthermore, is it even safe to be around?
Nothing says “class” like using a bunch of empty inkjet printer cartridges and pudding cups to make your table a few inches higher. Supposedly they are made of “heavy-duty molded plastic” (and are Photoshopped under the table legs) but I’m betting they’d buckle under the weight of a solid wood (real wood, mind you, not that particle board crap) dining table; and speaking of tables who is honestly needing to jack their furniture up off of the ground? Shaquille O’Neal? It says you can raise up the head of your bed for “easier breathing” but what happens if you or someone else gets a little “too rough” in your bed?…
Price: $19.98 (Pro Tip: Those same things full of ink cost only about a buck more.)
If the bizarre name doesn’t confuse you, the etched message sure as hell will. It’s a picture frame for a newborn baby — simple enough — but as I mentioned a message is engraved on it. The message reads: “God danced the day you were born.” Now, not to sound rude but what the hell is that supposed to mean? He danced? That’s it? You shot out of your mother’s vagina and God got down with his bad self? He was up there waving his hands in the air like he didn’t care while your mom was in labor? And to think, she was probably praying to him for support. What a dick.
The second this image loads, a PeTA supporter is going to shit bricks. Is that not the most horrifying “door stop” you’ve ever seen? I mean, the rabbit is cute and all, but couldn’t they have just shoved a rubber wedge up its ass and let you fit it under the door? That’s real kid-safe right there, though; the stuff of nightmares for any over-sensitive kid. “Mommy, why is your door crushing a bunny?” Harriet Carter claims this bunny “hopped off the bunny trail” to assist you in keeping doors from closing, but I’m fairly sure “getting smashed by the door” was not in the rabbit’s contract. Unfortunately though, I suppose this rabbit has been smashed one too many times, as they go on to say: “plush ‘body’ conforms to door and works on all flooring”, yes “body” as in “there is nothing really left of its innards after being smashed a few hundred times.
If their painfully dull “time flies” pun doesn’t make your ears bleed then the sounds of this clock will, every hour on the hour guaranteed. It makes a great gift for any bird lover… that you wish would eventually just fucking hate birds because this clock will make you want to kill every bird you lay your eyes on. Each hour it chimes with a different bird sound, a different ear-piercing bird sound from the depths of electronic hell; somewhere in between the infernal beeping of Mattel Football and Jamster cell phone ringtones. Think of it like getting kicked in the nuts with a steel toe boot every hour… on the hour. With a bird sound. Of course, it has a light sensor so it doesn’t chirp at night, but during the day: utter hell (until you eventually tape over the sensor). If there was ever a moment when crappy novelty gifts went too far, this bird clock is that moment. Even worse, the damn things have gone up in price three cents since I remember seeing them on TV years ago. What a rip off.
Something many of you reading this may not know about RFSHQ is that we run our own image hosting service, UpUrs. Since these images all go into folders that administrators can see, and since there’s a very specific group of people who generally read this crap, this has resulted in some rather interesting uploads. Below is a collection of some of the weirdest context-less crap that’s been dumped onto our server.
– The RFSHQ Forums
PeTA is big on releasing retarded pamphlets that force their unintelligent and completely incompetent “facts” in your face. RFSHQ forum user dr d posted an example of one such pamphlet and unbeknownst to him everyone decided to just make fun of the advertisement…
– The RFSHQ Forums
RFSHQ is known to not necessarily be a big supporter of PeTA. A few of us enjoy making fun of them just because of the hypocrisy that eminates from them on so many levels. However they are right on one thing: mankind has some fucking wicked awesome killing machines. Rather than take a cow out back and putting a bullet in its head we’ve spent millions inventing elaborate and huge user friendly contraptions that essentially do the work for us. Convenience has finally made a showing in food processing, big deal!
Hell, we’ve automated pacemakers, fire emergency sprinklers, and with shows like Lost— everyones’ Friday night. Why not automate a slaughterhouse? And what better to do that with than to make a three ton brick of steel soon to be covered in the blood of a thousand cows at the end of the day? Ever since that lucky caveman’s tree got blasted by lightning, we’ve been really rolling in the inventions. Seriously, take a look at them all. We’ve got the steamboat, cotton gin, television/radio, internal combustion engines, electric appliances, and massive metal objects covered in more saw blades than the factories that manufactured them.
I’ve seen some of these machines too; that’s the reason why people watch slaughterhouse videos in the first place and that’s the reason why they have what’s called “shock value”. If PeTA released 25 minutes of some farmer popping caps in cows out in the pasture I don’t think people would care the least bit but PeTA’s got videos of a gigantic metal chamber that turns the cows upside-fucking-down and gouges their necks. Turning them upside-down is completely irrelevant to the process, but you know what, it’s damn cool and the people who developed it knew way ahead of time activitsts were going to complain about it. Someone’s a genius here!
Let’s take a look at some of the stuff seen in the “animal testing” videos, besides the guy dressed in a bunny suit they always use. These videos highlight “scientists” poking and prodding various animals to see what happens. You know what, I bet 30 years ago those same men’s hobby was torching ants with a magnifying glass; this is merely an advanced, albeit perverse, version of a childhood hobby. I mean, sure, I don’t really see the point in bolting an I/O port onto a cat’s head but let me ask you this: why not? I mean hell, iKitty could be the next Robosapien, and with iTunes compatibility, that idea is a goldmine waiting to happen.
Another contraption shown in the testing videos is used to see the breaking point of animal necks. You want to know what this is? It’s a freaking pneumatic brick of steel that snaps from zero degrees to 90 in one frame of camera film. That fast. What purpose is this? None! But you know how exponentially cool that thing is? I’d buy one just to have it, you could start some interesting conversations with it. “Yeah see that 400 pound mass of metal over there? Yeah check this out.” Press the fire button and I guarantee your buddy is going to crap his pants and buy one for himself. You could open drinks with that, or finally figure out if you can break Tupperware or something.
Point is, yes maybe Man has gone a little over the top with these contraptions, but let me ask you this. Do you really need that alarm clock to wake you up in the morning? Do you really need that car to take you to work or school? Do you really that retarded self-checkout lane at Wal-Mart? Did Pee-Wee really need that Rube Goldberg device to make him his breakfast? The answer is no, but it helps doesn’t it? So does mankind need that three ton machine that flips cows upside-down? No… but it helps, doesn’t it?
If you’ve ever been to Taco Bell surely you’ve seen their hot sauce packets, the kind with little sayings on them. Dracophile recently made some bad dietary choices and subsequently came up with the idea that you could easily blank their messages and put other witty banter in its place. That’s exactly what happened. As a bonus, derverger eventually made an image generator for creating these; you can play with the generator HERE.
– The RFSHQ Forums
Pressure woke up one day and tried to work on his car. He was enraged that he had to switch tools contstantly. How could he fix this? Invent the Ultimate Tool.
– The RFSHQ Forums
I guess now that I’m a total Internet celebrity (note: sarcasm) I should at least look like one, right? So what’s one thing all celebrities have? That’s right. Really white teeth. To be a celebrity, I need to look like one. So… I need whiter teeth, but where am I getting those without paying my dentist $2,000 and my left nut?
Let’s leave it for the goddess of serendipity to decide. A relative of mine got a free product sample of “White Overnite” which, if you haven’t guessed by now, is a teeth whitening agent that works “overnite”. Night is spelled N-I-T-E because it’s fancy (like Nick At Nite). As luck would have it, she didn’t plan on using the kit so I politely asked if I could have it. (Politely = “Give me this now if you want to see tomorrow.”)
White Overnite consists of a syringe filled with “Dental Professional Strength Teeth Whitening Gel” that is “35% Carbamide Peroxide” that’s “Made in the USA”. This is great because if I am going to put something that resembles hair gel into my mouth I want it to come from the motherland. With the syringe is a 2 piece mouthpiece set made of rubber to put the gel into and then shove into your mouth.
How hard can this be? Let’s get started!
This is me. Actually, this is the old me before THE TRANSFORMATION. We need a before and after picture just like TV commercials have so there’s not much to see here unless you’re a personal fan of my face.
This is the contents of the clear unlabeled package I was given. One syringe full of “carbamide peroxide” and a mouthpiece so I can go boxing while making my teeth bright fucking white. This is my kind of product, a manly man product. I absolutely couldn’t wait, I could feel the whiteness firing out of the syringe already. (Dick joke not intended but pointed out.)
I ran into the bathroom and filled up the mouthpieces with the 3mL of the mysterious and magical gel that would make me hot and sexy(er). When I was done, it kind of looked like someone with a vasectomy busted one in a sports mouthpiece that was destined for my mouth, but I had to push forward for the sake of good looks.
I eagerly started to fit the pieces into my mouth which proved to be difficult. You see, the mass produced mouthpieces are kind of pointy, and your mouth (hopefully) is a very soft place. Pointy things and soft things do not really go together. (Dick joke not intended but pointed out.) But I had to tough it out. C’mon, I’m R-F-FUCKING-S, about to be R-F-FUCKING-S WITH WHITER TEETH. Now that’s a title to be proud of.
After I had settled everything down things got bad. My mouth was instantly assaulted with the taste of plastic and lime. It was almost unbearable. The 35% carbamide peroxide was doing a fucking Mexican hat dance on my tongue, and the rubber mouthpieces were making it hard for me to scrape the goo from it. I thought I was going to die, but then there were more problems!
No more than thirty seconds after application I felt an overwhelming stinging sensation shoot across my gums where my teeth meet the flesh. I thought my teeth were going to sprout arms and legs and forcefully exit my jaw and kick me in the balls for doing this to them! But alas, my testicles were in no immediate danger, it seems the danger had now moved to my mouth area where my tongue was doing somersaults and my teeth were frolicking in poison ivy.
Unable to really swallow anything with a mouthful of whitening crap and rubber, I began drooling more than a special education room. I helplessly wiped string upon string of messy saliva and carbamide from my mouth as I watch reruns of MythBusters on TV. I think it’s about time they do a test on fucking teeth whiteners, because this particular experiment that was going on in my mouth was beginning to piss me off.
However things began to go incredibly wrong. The stinging that was going on didn’t cease, it got worse. I contemplated just ignoring it and to quit being a pussy about it, but I went into the bathroom to actually look at my teeth and gums. They were starting to turn red, along with my tongue which actually felt more numb than anything.
I aborted the experiment for the sake of the well-being of my teeth since they were beginning to hurt instead of sting. So I had the stuff in my mouth for about 3 hours. Not quite “overnite” but if I toughed it out to the suggested 8 hours I might not have any teeth at all. So after I rinsed all of the mess and bad taste out of my mouth I looked in the mirror to see the results after only 3 hours.
No results that can easily be seen from this picture, however the crevices between a few of my front teeth were pretty white. So really, all I managed to do to myself was to enhance the outlines of my teeth to make me look like a total dumbass whenever I talk or smile. I blame the manufacturers of White Overnite, because that shit doesn’t work at all.
Looks: In reality, it looked simple enough to do. The whitening agent looked like clear toothpaste, and it looked like the mouthpieces would fit. Looks can be deceiving, though. 7/10
Ease: Once I got over how easy it looked to do, then came the hard part of trying to get it to stay on my teeth without the edges of the mouthpieces stabbing me in the gums. On top of that once the taste kicked in it was found to be very hard to not want to throw up. 1/10
Taste: Words cannot describe the pain that was incurred by this muck. -10/10
Effectiveness: I was unable to complete the full time suggested for the treatment, so I cannot be certain exactly how effective it would have been. It did whiten some portions of my teeth, so I at least know it (kind of) works. 5/10
Overall: Unless you want to make a mess of your tastebuds and teeth, do not go near this shit. What started out as a simple joke for this site could have ended up with long term dental damage or something. Not cool. 0/10
A long time ago shaving razors had one blade. Somewhere along the line a company decided that one razor was for pussies. Two was where it was at. Two razors! One to shave off the top half of hair and then the second one to finish off what the first left behind, just like what the cheap rendered animations in the commercials showed time and time again.
Things quieted down. Then someone, maybe in a drunken rage, said “YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK YOU AND YOUR TWO BLADED RAZORS I’M GOING FOR THREE YOU GODDAMNED FAGGOTS!” And with that, the three bladed razor was made because according to their research, two didn’t cut it at all. Stock in one bladed razors fell to near zero, and two bladed razors weren’t cool anymore. Companies started throwing in crazy things like lubricating strips and strips of lotion stuff to ease up on razor burn (bullshit).
Things got crazy when Schick said “Ok guess what, let’s go for four fucking razors and see how that goes!!” Enter the Schick Quattro. Four blades, new technology in shaving accessories. Then Gilette, with their panzy ass Mach 3 Turbo, kicked it up a notch (without the help of Emeril Lagasse) and made a BATTERY POWERED RAZOR THAT VIBRATES. Why you need a AAA battery-powered razor is beyond my mortal comprehension, but apparently it makes shaving EXTREME (or just harder to do).
Do you think Gilette was going to take that hit sitting down? Hell no. Gilette is “the best a man can get” so they kicked their competition square in the balls and put out a FIVE BLADED RAZOR. In the commercials, they explain the flaw of the 3 bladed razor (that they invented) by showing how the blades are “far apart and cause irritation”. The 4th and 5th blades magically appear in between the 3 blades to make the distance between them shorter.
I’m no rocket scientist… but instead of adding more razors to shorten the gap… couldn’t they have just moved the existing blades closer together?
If Gilette is the BEST YOU CAN FUCKING GET THEN YOU GODDAMN WELL BETTER GET YOUR MONEY’S WORTH. Gilette said “FUCK YOU ALL” and made the FUSION with five blades. But it gets better. THERE’S A SIXTH BLADE ON THE BACK END. FUCKING EXTREME. The sixth blade acts as a “precision blade” because the chunk of plastic and metal the size of a playing card that you’re dragging across your face is now unable to get into the small spots.
It’s only a matter of time before Schick or BIC stop crying in the corner and unviel seven bladed, eight bladed, or hell why not even TWENTY BLADED RAZORS — becuase a 20-blader will just be a solid brick of layered metal that you can just rub all over you and shave off every single hair on your body and your epidermis! And better yet, on the other side of that menacing block of manliness, there’s an entire BAR of ineffective anti-razor-burn crap; so when you’re burning like crazy and screaming in agony, you can hopefully psychosomatically end your crippling pain.
For now, I’ll just be happy with six blades.
Most of us use the Windows operating system to work with. Ever since Windows 95 we’ve had a grand ol’ time wading through error messages and screw-ups that seem to come from everywhere. Spirit found a great little gem that lets you make your own error messages, and we went crazy with it.
– The RFSHQ Forums
Every so often life gets you down, it’s just inevitable I guess. For all those days you feel like giving up and going emo the creative minds at RFSHQ have a solution for you: just print one of these babies out and slap it on your workspace and it will move you to keep going forward in life. Either that or distract you and your co-workers from working. TheDisturbedOne cares about you enough to motivate us all into making these.
– The RFSHQ Forums