The 29 Most Distressing Stills from Space Jam
[Editor’s Note: This article was originally set to be published in Issue #3 of Furry N’ Fuzzy Magazine however the publication folded before release resulting in this article never being seen until its republication here.]
Space Jam, released 1996, is a “movie” of the “comedy” genr– okay you know what, I’m just gonna stop with the sarcastic air quotes in this article because this gag will get real old real fast. Space Jam is a movie, I guess, but it’s a “comedy” in the same way as World Trade Center is one too. Both films document a national tragedy although while World Trade Center is a re-enactment of said tragedy Space Jam is the tragedy in and of itself. When this film came out the Looney Tunes were fading from public view and needed a reboot; they were literally being used by Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network to pad dead air between the hours of 1am and 5am before Adult Swim was a thing.
Space Jam is a terrible movie with a terrible premise. A bunch of aliens from “Moron Mountain” inexplicably invade the Looney Tunes world to capture and enslave Bugs Bunny & Company because I guess if I was bored as hell I’d do the same thing; Bugs Bunny says he isn’t going to take any of this bullshit so he challenges the aliens to a game of basketball and then cheats by enlisting the talent of Michael Jordan to beat the aliens who in the meantime have in turn cheated by stealing the basketball-playing talent of Charles Barkley and four other players whose names I did not commit to memory. Yeah. That’s the entire movie.
The movie is “so bad it’s good” and the special effects are “so bad they’re horrifying”, seriously. Using the term “special effects” to describe the CGI of Space Jam is an insult to the art of computer modeling because Jurassic Park came out three years prior and that film’s effects are seamless even today. All Warner Bros had to do was put a cartoon rabbit on screen the same time as Michael Jordan and they screwed it up so badly that pressing the pause button at the wrong moments will trigger a land mine of nightmare fuel. Between shoddy CGI applied to Space Jam‘s physical actors and “transition frames” where characters demonstrate exaggerated anatomy I can’t decide which is worse, so I won’t. Instead I’ll just share with you my favorite awkward, terrifying, or downright bizarre stills and call it a day.
Also, Bugs Bunny is anthropomorphic. That’s my excuse for shoehorning this article into a furry publication.
1. The Most Hyped-Up the Name “Bugs Bunny” has Ever Been
The opening credits to Space Jam are over three minutes long, feature that song by Quad City DJ’s – you know, the “come on and SLAM” one – and are filled with enough archival footage of Michael Jordan that it counts as an episode of SportsCenter. Throughout all of this, however, I must stress that this is the most emphasis anyone has ever placed on the name “Bugs Bunny” in the history of time itself. Somewhere Mel Blanc isn’t just spinning in his grave, he’s exploded. The film’s title credits are what happens someone literally presses every button on the special effects board and rumor has it the guy who had to cut out the word “BUNNY” and slap it on a chain link fence put a bullet in his head afterward. If I had to describe the opening credits in as few words as possible I’d go with “the” and “nineties”. Bugs Bunny is billed second in the film’s title credits between Michael Jordan and Wayne “Nah-Ah-Ah You Didn’t Say the Magic Word” Knight. His voice actor (Billy West) isn’t even credited. Nobody has ever been this excited to see Bugs Bunny. No one.
2. The Existential Nightmare that is “The Space Jam”
I could try and provide the context of these screenshots but it wouldn’t really serve any purpose. Space Jam is a nightmare and while watching it you start to ask yourself a lot of deeply personal and introspective questions; things like “who am I”, “why am I here”, “where is that large automobile”, “where does that highway go to”, “am I right or am I wrong” – and sometimes you might even say to yourself “my god, what have I done?!” At some points in our lives every one of us is a Grateful Dead acid trip rabbit superimposed on a white background or a basketball-playing alien presented in the stark contrast of two tones while in the middle of a slam dunk. When that happens it’s important that we look inside of ourselves for the answers to our troubling questions and, if that fails, there’s always the tranquility that comes with listening to an Enya album while binging on ice cream.
3. The Unintentional and Impossible to Explain Pornography
Looney Tunes have always been slightly “edgy” with toilet humor especially when the series was brought up to speed to appeal to kids in the 1990’s. Also, there were tons of jokes for “mom and dad” throughout the history of the animated shorts. I could try to explain what’s happening in each of these scenes but it’s no use. Sure, that might be Bugs Bunny trying to kiss someone but it really kind of looks like a butthole and in the very next image Bugs Bunny’s ass is literally exploding while one of the “Monstars” (yeah that’s what those horrid things are called) shows off his freeballin’ lifestyle and flaunts his ghetto booty. I could sit here for forty-five minutes explaining that last one too you and it doesn’t matter because at the end of the day someone had to sit down and draw that and they were paid to do so.
4. The Horrifying Monster Known As “CGI Michael Jordan”
Steven Spielberg was able to not just put a damn Tyrannosaurus on the silver screen he also made Jeff Goldblum act. You’re telling me that a handful of people whose professional titles include the word “animator” can’t apply CGI to someone without making them look like an episode of Reboot rendered in 240p? Every single time Michael Jordan’s CGI counterpart shows up on the screen it looks like a deleted clip from the music video to Black Hole Sun. The scene where the Monstars bend Michael Jordan into a ball and throw him around the court is the 20 most unsettling seconds in film history. It makes Old Yeller look like Tommy Boy and don’t even get me started on the scene where Michael Jordan gets sucked into a golf hole or stretches his arm out a mile and a half to make a game-winning dunk. Oh, did I spoil Space Jam for you? Good.
5. No, Really, The Unintentional and Impossible to Explain Pornography
So let’s get back to talking about my favorite thing in Space Jam: all the scenes that look like something promiscuous, like the part when the Monstars go to steal basketball talent but instead just look like The Invisible Man jacking off at a Suns game. I’m serious, that’s the entire gag – the lady in the still literally says “the guy next to us is doing something weird in his raincoat”. That’s the whole joke. Moving forward I’ve included the “foot inflation” image pre-emptively because while I’m not completely certain this is a fetish I fancy myself a gambling man and am putting up $50 that this exists as a searchable tag on e621. One thing I do know there’s a market for is butt crushing and self-rimming of which Space Jam has plenty of. Apparently Daffy Duck’s duckhole is shaped like the Warner Bros logo, who would’ve guessed?
6. The Scene Where Wayne Knight Walks in on Michael Jordan Masturbating
If you want an explanation for this scene you can send your inquiry to [email protected]
7. The Invention of Wayne Knight Inflatophilia Fetishism
Look, I’m not going to come in here and tell people what you can and cannot paw off to. Wayne Knight tried to do that to Michael Jordan in the previous entry in this article and you wanna know how that turned out? Michael Jordan got sucked into Looney Tunes land so he could bang that girl rabbit. You can be into whatever you damn well please but don’t tell me you can look at this gratuitous inflation scene and not revile in fear. This is an inflation scene with Wayne Knight. The first time I saw this I wanted to kill myself. This scene stole a part of my soul that I will never get back. When I die and go to Hell (because let’s face it we’re all going there) my eternity in pain will be watching this scene over and over again. There is nothing funny about this at all. People jerk off to this. I hate everything now. Let’s just go back and talk about unintentional pornography.
8. All the Unintentional Pornography I’ve Forgotten to Mention
I’m sorry. I really don’t know how we’ve made it all the way down to point #8 on this list without bringing up all the frames where it looks like something raunchy is going on. That’s a mybad and I feel like I should apologize for my neglect of journalistic integrity. To make up for it, here’s a naked fat guy and a babyfur, two upstanding citizens who took time out of their busy schedules of being in someone else’s nightmare to make it to The Space Jam. If that’s not enough for you the opposite end of the spectrum is covered as well with Bugs Bunny getting in on that musclefur action in a scene where his body literally looks like a bag of marshmallows being microwaved. Finally, I’d like to also introduce you to a still very near and dear to my heart that introduces the concept of “spacejamming” into the world. Spacejamming, for the uninitiated, is what happens when a condom breaks. That term isn’t on Urban Dictionary yet, but you can make it happen.
9. The Locker Room Money Shot Compilation
There’s this whole scene in the film where the Tune Squad get all butthurt that they’re all just a bunch of washed up cartoon has-beens and the Monstars are kicking their asses because of being on the juice. They mope around for like five minutes feeling sorry for themselves until Bugs Bunny discovers the secret to getting people hyped up for sports: blowjobs. Each of the Looney Tunes take turns taking a load in the mouth and then start fighting over who gets it next and in this scene we discover that Porky Pig and Elmer Fudd are pretty much traced from the same exact models because the animators recycle a motion loop between the two characters immediately after it’s used the first time. There’s this whole sub-gag where Wayne Knight doesn’t get any action because the cartoons play keep away with the bottle and you can really see the latent homosexuality of his character come out when he stares at that dog gargling cum. Yiffy!
10. The Scene Where Lola Bunny Tries to Say “Bugs”
Fine. Here’s a scene where it doesn’t look like a character is touching themselves or touching someone else or negotiating their anatomy to make it look like they have questionable genitals. Here’s one of the most popular stills from this stupid movie where Lola Bunny (that’s her name, glad we’re getting to it all the way at the end of this article) imitates Bugs Bunny dropping his spaghetti and introducing himself in a voice that sounds like a wet fart. It wouldn’t be a proper still for this article if there wasn’t something remotely sexual in it so to fill this hole we have Bugs undressing her with his eyes and in the process starting up an entire subculture of people who drawn terrible fanart/porn of this character because this was Lola Bunny’s debut movie. Excuse me, I’m going to go vomit now. You can finish the rest of the article without me.
11. The First Interracial Gay Kiss in Cinema History
I’ve ragged on this movie for 2,000+ words if you can believe that. I’ve sat here and written an entire article about how stupid this movie is and I’ve gone through the trouble of watching it at a quarter speed to find all these dumb animation frames to make fun of and you’ve actually read it. Or maybe you just skimmed it and looked at the pictures and then searched for “foot inflation” on e621. I don’t care, I’m getting paid either way and by “getting paid” I mean the complete opposite of that. For what it’s worth, as bad of a movie as Space Jam is, it actually gave the world the first interracial – nay, interspecies – gay kiss in film history. You can take your “rosebud” and your “here’s lookin’ at you kid” quotes and shove them up your Warner Bros-shaped ass because when it comes right down to it Space Jam has done more to progress acceptance of same-sex man-rabbit relations than any other movie in history.
Thanks, Space Jam. Thanks.