The 144 Stupidest “New gTLD” Domains
Well, well, well. The brand new Twilight Foundry website… and I get to be the one christening it on its maiden voyage. I don’t know whether to be honored or just hang my jaw agape in awe that it took Twilight Foundry something like TEN YEARS to get the bright idea that maybe they should have a site again. I kid. Wait, no I don’t. Did you miss me? My name is Roastmaster and I’m all about Internet culture and all that other assorted yappy technological bullshit; I was one of the lead columnists at GatorAIDS — the comedy blog, not the failed furry-themed gaming website. My first contribution to a Twilight Foundry project was a piece for GatorAIDS in 2009 called “Remembering Billy Mays“.
Cynicism aside I am glad to be back. For my debut article here I am going to be discussing something near and dear to my heart: domain names. Actually, I couldn’t give a shit about domain names one way or the other but I figured that was an appropriate segue into the article. After the “More” jump are 144 of the most retarded “new top level domains” being shit out into the Internet by IANA or ICANN or whichever other “we didn’t get the memo that the ‘i’ needs to be lowercase” organization responsible for this garbage. I didn’t pick a literal gross of gTLD’s as a funny “eww they’re gross” stab, it just so happens there are at least one hundred and forty-four of these things that are absolute trash. Anyways here’s the stupid article about insignificant Internet bullshit:
I really don’t know how to introduce the subject of domain names to you. You know what they are. You went to Twilight Foundry “dot com” in your browser. I really just don’t know how to explain it to you any further without following it up with an honest question about your favorite crayon flavor. Surely you’re familiar with domains like .com (commerce), .org (organizations), .net (networking/communication), .edu (education), and .gov (government). That pretty much covers all the bases here. Different countries have their own domains to suit local needs and businesses but for the most part we’re all on the same page regarding what a “dot com” is and what it’s for, correct? Good. Because IANA — the Internet Assigned Numbers Authority (which, as I’ve learned, is not a made up organization and actually has that stupid name) — is about to fuck that all up on behalf of ICANN, as in “yes, ICANN fuck that up for you”.
Over a decade ago the adware moguls at NewDotNet — winners responsible for exposing minors to pornographic pop-up ads and causing a teacher to lose her license because of her malware-infected computer — had the bright idea to “sell” premium TLD’s to people dumb enough to install their browser-based adware. These TLD’s were fake and only worked in an infected browser because “mysite.shop” was really “mysite.shop.new.net”. Exponentially nested subdomains, what a great deal. According to Wikipedia, NewDotNet offered the following “premium” domains for the super bargain of approximately $30/year: .agent, .arts, .auction, .chat, .church, .club, .family, .free, .game, .golf, .inc, .law, .llc, .llp, .love, .ltd, .med, .mp3, .school, .scifi, .shop, .soc, .sport, .tech, and .video — a huge, unwieldy, and stupid selection. All of these (except for .mp3) are now represented in IANA’s new proposal list of premium TLD’s.
Someone somewhere had the bright idea to take inspiration from the rotting corpse of NewDotNet and started proposing new “top level domains” (gTLD’s); things like .photography and .menu. Those are stupid single-purpose domains, but whatever. No harm I guess. The issue here isn’t that these domains are stupid, it’s that whomever came up with this list of suggestions did not know when to stop and now there are literally almost one thousand of these terrible fucking ideas in the pipeline. The fact that all of these suggested domains are meaningless now becomes a serious issue especially considering some of these fucking things are redundant and/or identical to other domains. Someone suggests .mobi for websites optimized for phones and tablets? Great. Someone else comes in and suggests .mobile (yes, it’s there) because they write their R’s backward? Look, I’m so sorry about your apparent learning disability but that’s just retarded.
What follows is a comprehensive dismantling of these terrible ideas. This isn’t all of the new TLD’s, but here’s the stupidest suggestions.
The porn industry exploded on the Internet. No, there was not a jizz reference in the previous sentence but if you wish there to be one then fine, I totally made a cumshot joke in the previous sentence. It is widely known that the adult entertainment industry (for you gentlemen out there, all one of you) was the first industry to start raking in money online when they found out people would also pay money to see digital tits.
Let’s be frank about pornography before I start cracking jokes about it; it’s a very controversial subject matter online and back in the nineties there were comprehensive “kid friendly Internet” safety programs created specifically to prevent children from seeing adult images. For fuck’s sake, the websites for both Playboy and Yahooligans ended with the same TLD. The solution to this was to introduce a TLD specifically for porn, .xxx; you’d think that this would be a great idea because filtering software could literally just go “does this website end with .xxx” and block things. Unfortunately, idiot politicians and people capable of fitting an entire Bible into their ass threw a shit fit when .xxx was introduced in 2000. It didn’t get approved for use until 2011.
Sure, fine, whatever. That’s great, but what about these hot new gTLD’s? Namecheap has these “adult” domains in their own hush-hush category, go on and check it out. Half of these new domains are synonyms for .xxx and the other half is just the same word with a one letter difference. What’s the fucking point? Is there really a difference between any of these domains other than attempting to provide an air of classiness around them? Are they for shit like “upscalewomengarglingpiss.adult” to denote something pinky-out while the existing porn TLD is meant for trashy things like “fuckmygapingheadwound.xxx”? Why even bother with the .sex TLD for that matter? Isn’t that kind of implied because it’s a porn site? Are people too stupid to assume that “buttholeswithcrazydiameters.com” isn’t somehow pornographic?
Also, there’s a .wang. It’s not officially listed as an adult domain, it’s an Asian region one, but I can see “suk-on-mai.wang” coming from a mile away. I mean centimeters away.
From an objective standpoint I can get behind a gTLD dedicated to photo galleries or other kinds of image-heavy presentations. What I can’t get behind, however, are six gTLD’s that are all essentially the same goddamned thing. The .photography gTLD is for artists who are serious about their work, I get that, but I’m absolutely positive these people are already grossly outnumbered by dozens if not hundreds of “downsouthtexaspregnancy.photography” and “allwedoarepicturesofbabiesandthatsitexceptmaybebadseniorportraits.photography” websites that are going to immediately devalue the domain. There is no prestige associated with a premium domain full of cannon fodder for You Are Not a Photographer. All of these domains are doomed to suffer the same fate which is being used by a soccer mom whose only job according to her Facebook profile is “FULL TIME MOM at MOM” spending her husband’s money on an expensive camera she knows nothing about so she can post fourteen dozen pictures of her feet on a beach and her autistic kid building a lopsided sandcastle. She does weddings and birthday parties cheap cheap cheap so you know you’re paying for quality and it’s in her “company” guarantee that she will weigh at least 300 pounds and show up to your event wearing a filled-out Tweety Bird sweater with a witty comment on it.
Beyond that, again I reiterate: why the fuck are there six photography domains? Why is one of them a plural version of one of the others? Why is there a domain for “pictures” but also “pics”? Doesn’t that sound a bit like “pix” instead? Why didn’t they go with that for brevity? Who needs this many fucking domains, especially just for photography? Was “mycompanyphotography.com” just too much of a pain in the ass to type out? Are there so many fauxtographers taking up every single possible photography .com that IANA declared a state of emergency to quarantine them all to gimmick domains? I think I’m onto what the larger plan is here; IANA is looking to lure all these idiots who think spelling out “BABY” in blocks on a pregnant woman’s stomach is a completely original idea to these fringe and forgettable complex domains so people won’t pay them any attention.
Great job, IANA. You’ve won me over. End of article. Or not, because there are still…
By default, 100% of these domains are stupid and redundant, but this category is for a very special kind of redundancy: pluralized domains. I’m talking about .game and .games, two domains that already don’t need to exist and one of which that absolutely should not exist under any circumstances whatsoever. Furthermore, we have a special kind of double redundancy going on with a war between .home, .property, and the plural versions of both of these domains. It’s not an official part of this list because there’s no plural version but there’s also a .realestate further screwing up the already invisible legitimacy of these property-based domains. How many gTLD’s do you need to sell a fucking house? What about an apartment? Oh, you mean to say there already is a .apartment? Fan-fucking-tastic. Why offer specific domains when you have a premium domain for the umbrella, and vice versa? (Don’t answer that, it’s hypothetical because the answer is “both kinds of domains are for stupid people”.)
There are as many domains for properties as there are for out of focused pictures of naked babies drinking from a dirty sprinkler. Hilariously, and completely unrelated to that, there are not one but two domains for accountants, one of them plural. I guess that would be fine considering some accountants work independently and some work with a firm, but that kind of gets overridden by the fact that there are domains for .bank, .money, .cash, and .investments to completely muddy the need for any of those domains. Which one is the most important? None of them. Bankers already get enough kickbacks and perks, they don’t need their own domain extension. If they absolutely have to have one, I propose they be forced to use .wang because fuck them.
Finally, there’s a domain redundancy for Broadway. Yes, that Broadway. There’s .broadway and for no apparent reason there’s .bway. Never in my lifetime have I heard someone use the term “bway”. I don’t know if it’s an attempt to sound hip or what, but frankly I don’t think you can make Broadway “hip” to people. You either suck cock or you don’t. Those are facts.
Fresh off the homophobic remark from that last section is a category that begins with “homo” because I’m thoughtful like that. Much to my dismay, I learned recently that a “homophone” is not a mobile phone with the Grindr app installed on it but rather a word that sounds like another word. The entire point of a domain name is to have an original sounding end to it so that people can remember it and instantly go to your site; it’s why we don’t have a .com and .comm. Knowing that, you can understand my frustration when I found an instance of homophonic domains in the form of .coupon and .qpon (say the last one aloud reading the first letter by itself). I guess frugal mothers who buy their furniture at Big Lots need resources where they can obsessively comb over coupons to save a quarter on canned tuna or whatever it is people in loveless marriages do with their time; enter the .coupon conundrum.
Visually, .coupon and .qpon are pretty different. That’s great, but now imagine you’ve just heard a radio ad for a website called “kidshaircutsforcheapcunts.coupon”. Are you sure that it was “.coupon” you heard? How can you be so sure? Did the person in the ad spend the extra few moments explaining “kidshaircutsforcheapcunts.coupon, that’s coupon without the Q, you cheap cunt”? Probably not. Now you have to go home and try bringing that website up and there’s a 50% chance you’re going to get it wrong. Literally a coin flip, but you wouldn’t dare risk losing a coin under the sofa by flipping it and missing the catch, you cheap cunt.
Sidenote, there’s also .football and .futbol which technically may not count since one is an international domain that’s also pronounced “fuit-bol” but that’s beside the point. To the uninitiated and culturally insensitive they’re going to sound like the same website.
Homophonic domains only serve to offer unintentional misinformation to people. In the analogy mentioned earlier, about cheap cunts who get their kids’ hair cut once a year and insist on using a coupon when doing so, there’s an opportunity for a rival distributor to purchase the available .qpon/.coupon domain. I realize I just implied that there’s some bizarre cutthroat market for stingy bitches at SuperCuts but I’d like you to expand your vision of that analogy further to any possible circumstance involving coupons or someone kicking an inflated ball. If you only hear the domain there is literally nothing stopping you from going to an incorrect website masquerading as the one you’re trying to reach, and you’d be none the wiser.
Oh cool, a domain reserved specifically for schools and universities! Man, wouldn’t that be really stupid of IANA if we already had one of those? Especially if it was originally introduced in 1985 as one of the first generic top-level domains.
Good thing that doesn’t exist, though.
There’s a Bill O’Reilly joke in here somewhere that starts with “www.thewaron” and ends with “.christmas” but I’m not going to make it… or assemble it since I’ve already kind of made it. I’m not going to focus on that; instead I’m going to point out how bizarre it is that there’s a gTLD offered for one specific holiday officially lasting one day out of the year. There are eight times as many reasons why Hanukkah should get a domain (.kosher doesn’t count, it exists) but you don’t see the Jewish community getting some trendy domain extension to celebrate around. The fact that .christmas exists is one more piece of evidence to call bullshit when Christians get their circumcised dicks in a crucifix over “religious prosecution”. They’re getting their own top-level domain for an overblown holiday; if that’s not outright favoritism then apparently I’m dumber than they are.
What are people with a .christmas domain supposed to do for the other 11 months out of the year when people don’t give a shit about Christmas? Even if Christmas has stretched into November I can guarantee people aren’t going to give two fucks about remembering Jesus in the middle of June. And is Black Friday really so important that it demands its own domain extension when the United States is the only country in the world that rewards fat people with cheap consumer goods for trampling underpaid security guards? Who is going to rationally use a .blackfriday extension? Companies have been just fine getting by with a link to “upstandingamericancompany.com/black-friday” on their homepage for the past 20 years, are they now supposed to do the same thing but link to “dealsyouprobablywouldntcareaboutatanyothertimeofyear.blackfriday” instead?
The American healthcare system is a fucking wreck. It is the worst-possible case of rampant disorganization, highway robbery, and sheer ineptitude realized. Since I’ve told you something you probably already knew, here’s something new coming up that will surely further the 100% respectable marketplace that is the world of healthcare: about a dozen highly-specific domains intended for a ton of one-off uses that people aren’t going to remember. The eponymous .healthcare is among these, as is .insurance, however the real cream of the crop are some great repeats of redundancy that we’ve already seen; things like .doctor and .doc, or .medical and .med. There are also specialized TLD’s for clinics, hospitals, and pharmacies which boggles my mind because I genuinely do not understand how hard it is to remember a .com that includes “clinic” or “hospital” as part of the name. Also people are too stupid to know how to spell “pharmacy” so good luck getting people who can’t even file their taxes on time to bother with that one.
There are almost a dozen domains specifically for denoting a sale or promotional offer. Honestly, I could pull a cop-out and end this section right here but it goes beyond that. The shopping domains fall into the same category of over-diversification as the medical ones. If your website is meant to be a storefront… what’s so bad about adopting something simple like “.shop”? This is, of course, ignoring the fact that “.com” literally means “commerce” and implies a business institution. Don’t think about these hypothetical questions for too long, none of them have a rational fucking answer.
The shopping category of domain names is the holy grail of utter shit because it contains examples of nearly everything I’ve discussed up to this point. There are redundant domains (.gift/.gifts), homophones (.coupon/.qpon), and a date-specific domain (.blackfriday). The only thing we don’t have is a shopping-based healthcare domain like .organ for all your convenient transplanting needs or .plasticsurgery for information on obtaining triple-D tits.
There is a .diamonds. Why is there a .diamonds? Why does this domain exist? Do we as a species collectively sell so many pretty rocks that it justifies having its own goddamned domain name right up there with watches, toys, tickets, and fucking auto parts (yes, those all exist)? Scratch that, because there is also a .domains; literally, there is “dot domains”. Mark my words, I would bet my life savings that you’re not going to ever see a legitimate domain registrar like GoDaddy, Tucows, or Namecheap go anywhere fucking near “.domains”. Nobody is that stupid. No, wait, let me rephrase that: Nobody who has more business sense than a DeVry graduate is that stupid. The people who buy a .domains gTLD for their business are… ugh… Full Sail University… *groaning sound*…. dot domains… University of… *chokes on saliva*… Phoenix…
I remember helping my grandmother try to understand the concept of using the Internet almost 20 years ago. She’s dead now, God rest her soul, but holy fucking shit was that like talking to a brick wall. I spent all day reminding her that she needed to put “.com” after everything she was looking for. She finally caught on and was eager to check out everything she could… then she wanted to check out The White House. Those of you who were in grade school during the initial boom of the Internet know how this story is going to unfold. Grandma Roastmaster enters “www.whitehouse.com” in her browser. I jump and dive in slow motion shouting “noooooooooo”. Too late. Tits everywhere. Grandma gets angry and upset at the tits plastered all over her screen.
I hadn’t even bothered to get into .org, .net, and especially not .gov. How the fuck was I supposed to know she was going to go straight from looking at shit on walmart.com to wondering who the 22nd President of the United States was? Many a 4th grader writing a report on a U.S. President inadvertently went to whitehouse.com instead of whitehouse.gov and was ushered into Internet porn manhood via grainy 24-bit dithered color 56K boobs. My grandmother accidentally got Melons Feelmore instead of Millard Fillmore and that was back when we had so few TLD’s you could count them on one hand.
I’m not saying that our grandparents are all in danger of seeing naked women on every website beginning with “facebook” and ending with something other than “.com” but what I am saying is the sheer magnitude of how complicated and convoluted these new domains are is not boding well for our senior citizens. Normally I’m just like “fuck them haha” but I think it’s pretty shitty to come in and purposefully obfuscate a form of communication and information resource when A) it’s fine the way it is and B) seniors already don’t fucking understand how to use it.
Specifically, I’m talking about the additions of the gTLD’s .site, .web, .website, .computer, .email/.mail, .online, and .search. Are you fucking serious? You have .website as a potential domain name to visit a fucking website? Do I need to explain how incomprehensibly stupid this is? Are they trying to make it easier for old people to stumble into malware-ridden websites with free dolphin screensavers? Not only that, there are two other incarnations of that domain: .site and .web. Jesus dick, there is absolutely no explanation for that other than one neckbearded virgin harboring resentment over the fact that he has to live with his grandmother since his parents kicked him and his My Little Pony collection out of the house.
.meme is a proposed new domain. Honestly, I contemplated writing just that one sentence as a suicide note and calling it quits. This is not the best way for the Internet to become self-aware. Memes by their very nature are “flash in the pan” moments of popularity. For example, nobody gives a fuck about Rick Astley anymore (again) or the Rickrolling phenomenon and this was something that YouTube once dedicated its entire homepage to doing on April Fool’s Day, not to mention the time Astley came in and crashed the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade with a performance of that song. PSY was the first person to get one billion views on a single YouTube video with “Gangnam Style”, but his followup single “Gentleman” barely has a quarter of the previous song’s total views. People just don’t give a shit past that first climax. Most memes don’t live long enough to warrant a one year domain registration. The only website that I could see benefiting from a .meme gTLD is 9GAG, but there’s already a .add so I don’t know what the fuck they’d need .meme for.
There is no plausible use for domains such as .lol, .omg, or .wtf except in regards to celebrity gossip or unironic Call of Duty noscope montages. Believe it or not, .celeb, .gossip, and .hollywood are not in the list of suggested gTLD’s. Those three domains, which would probably see more use than the bottom half of IANA’s list combined, are quietly absent from the proposal. But don’t worry, we’ve got .horse on the radar so one person can make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke or whoever the fuck looks like a horse because that punchline isn’t the least bit tired. Comedy.
The inclusion of NewDotNet’s TLD’s wasn’t an intentional move on behalf of IANA; the domains just so happened to get roped into this mess because they’re generic enough to fall into IANA’s simple cookie cutter sections of proposals. The fact that the suggestions are still around is proof enough that the domains were a stupid idea a decade ago and they’re a stupid idea now that has just been repainted and repackaged as something a little less illegitimate. There’s a reason why we’ve gone 20 years without having “.video” and “.church” — the ideas are fucking stupid and are redundant at their very core. Most Internet users only need to be mindful of a half-dozen or so top-level domains, but here is a list of 1,000 potential additions and none of them warrant use beyond a few hundred/thousand possible outcomes. In the case of shit like .persiangulf I’m hard-pressed to come up with more than I can count on one hand.
A decade ago NewDotNet used some fancy adware to pull wool over their customers’ eyes and charged them thirty fucking dollars a year for a shitty “premium” domain name service that only a handful of equally gullible idiots could see. Isn’t that just what’s going on here? Charging someone $39.99 a year so they can have a “premium” domain like .guru? I was under the assumption that you earned a reputation, you didn’t purchase one. Spending forty bucks on a fancy domain name doesn’t immediately make you smarter than someone on a .com much like how spending a hundred dollars on a .xxx domain doesn’t make your porn the most jerkworthy. That’s not how the Internet works. For a series of top-level domains meant to help “organize” the Internet these people sure are asking a lot for them while the price of a regular .com quietly stands at $12.
NewDotNet’s service was nothing more than a sleight of hand trick that sold someone a glorified GeoCities-esque website package for an inflated rate. IANA’s/ICANN’s new list of gold-spraypainted turds is nothing better and in nearly every single instance costs as much as if not more than NewDotNet’s bullshit. It’s a way to separate stupid people from their money so everyone who knows better can mock them behind their back for being dumb enough to think a $70 “.ventures” domain somehow makes them seem legitimate.
If you’ve got godlike patience and an hour to kill, you can browse an entire list of the proposed domain names HERE.