The 6 Furriest Shirts from The Mountain
The Mountain is an American apparel company that sells shirts with mostly animals on them. They’ve been quietly making shirts from their facilities in New Hampshire for years and tend to really only come into public spotlight when they create something like oh I don’t know Three Wolf Moon. You know, that shirt with the three wolves… and the moon. The one that a million Internet nobodies made fun of on Amazon. The one Zach Galifinakis wore in The Hangover. That shirt. That was them.
The company makes dozens more shirts virtually identical to Three Wolf Moon in terms of how absolutely off the wall and ridiculous they are. Hilariously enough many of them have more than just a passing appeal to furries and in this article I’ll be showing you a handful of T-shirts from The Mountain that are amusing for all the wrong reasons.
To give you an immediate idea of the nature of the shirts I intend to talk about I’ve elected to start this article with an piece of clothing that is literally just a close-up of a dinosaur’s ass. This shirt has so much attention to detail that when I first saw it I studied it for at least fifteen minutes to see if there actually was a sphincter drawn somewhere in the scaly folds of that tyrannosaurus’ nether regions. There’s so much detail poured into drawing such a trivial part of this dinosaur that it puts the mud stomping scene from Jurassic Park to shame in terms of the sheer number of people that have regretfully pawed off to it.
For the sake of comedy I did some math with this shirt; I wanted to see just how much real estate was actually devoted to the triceratops that people are supposed to pay attention to. Fifteen percent of the this shirt has a triceratops in it, the remaining eighty-five percent is devoted to eye candy for people with questionable preferences.
Let’s step away from the pervy underbelly of the fandom for a moment and take a different route. Let’s say hypothetically you wake up one day and you have an inexplicably stronger link with your fursona than you did the day prior. Also, for the sake of making an example here, let’s say your fursona just so happens to be a dragon. One thing leads to another and you come to the conclusion that you must like dragons so much because you are (or were) one in another life and [insert some kind of rationalization using the phrase “astral projection” here]. If you’re looking for shirts with dragons on them The Mountain has about eight thousand designs to pick from because they know their audience is crazy.
But what if you’re a special kind of crazy and you can’t even decide what your spirit animal really is; you’re torn between wolves and dragons, arguably the two most common varieties of Otherkin. Fret not, The Mountain’s got you covered with Dragon Wolf Moon, a shirt with all the downright craziness of Three Wolf Moon but with two less wolves and a dragon instead. Since when do dragons howl at the moon? I don’t know, you tell me. You’re the one who’s supposedly a dragon.
You guys like voreaphilia at all? I only ask because there are only two kinds of people who are going to buy this shirt: middle-aged men who buy Harley-Davidson motorcycles to feel young and people who have a very peculiar arrangement of fetishes on F-List. Looking at this shirt actually makes me feel uncomfortable, there is too much detail on it. The inside of that snake’s mouth has far too many folds, shades of pink, and shiny streaks to be anything other than simple pandering. The snake’s fangs are literally one dribble of saliva away from being marked with thirty different tags on e621.
I can’t even tell if the anatomy is correct. The way the snake is drawn makes it look like the bottom of his lower jaw is directly connected to his underside and the perspective of the top jaw compared to the bottom looks completely bizarre. I honestly don’t even know if I should be complaining because in the time it’s taken me to write this entry I’m convinced this is less of an interpretation of a snake and closer to that of a Fleshlight.
If you have a moderate taste in music chances are you have a song playing in your head as you read this. Go ahead, let it play through, I’ll wait. Done? Fantastic. If you’re one of the readers who doesn’t get that joke then by this point you’re probably still putting together the fact that this is a shirt called “in the mood” that has a bull nuzzling a cow and you’re slowly recoiling backward and contorting your face into configurations that would have a Ripley’s Believe it or Not editor at full mast. This is an uncomfortably long stretch to make a “moo” pun.
Look, I’m not going to crap on someone’s preferences but livestock are kind of gross. If that’s what you’re into – if that’s what gets you “in the mood” – then that’s fine by me. One love. Same love. Whatever the saying is; this is a furry magazine so it’s pretty much guaranteed someone reading this has a bull fursona or is into udders or something. What I am trying to say however is that when the name and image of your shirt can elicit an olfactory memory maybe it shouldn’t be sexualized.
If you don’t believe me when I say that these shirts are for furries and pretty much no one else then take a look at these. If you’ve come this far into my article and you’ve done nothing but roll your eyes and say “wow this has-been is really grasping at straws to be funny and stay relevant when the last time he did anything worth noting was back in 2009” then you’re a terrible person. Also, here’s a shirt with an anthropomorphic elephant wearing his guitar the wrong way.
There’s an entire section of shirts called “Manimals” because I guess “Fursona” brings up too many bad Google results. I only picked out five to stick in the graphic above but there are literally dozens of these things and each of them are more ridiculous than the last. Do you want a shirt with an eagle pilot on it because you love redundancy? Done. Soliders with wolf faces because it’s a pun on the term “wolfpack”? You got it. A culturally insensitive portrayal of a Native American as a wolf? Yours. For god’s sake, there’s even a shirt for sale that I am convinced is a bootlegged Bucktown Tiger.
Finally, when all is said and done and you just want to get back to your roots as a furry The Mountain is here to take care of you with this T-shirt that looks like Taurin Fox smirking at something (probably tentacles). When you’re really ready to confront your inner demons and you’re looking for the perfect shirt to go with your rainbow-studded collar and floofy tail you bought at Hot Topic look no further than this. When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back. Also, the abyss is actually a fox.
Again, I’m not here to rain on anyone’s parade and when it comes to The Mountain I honestly couldn’t not recommend their products to someone. As of this article’s publication in Furry N’ Fuzzy the official picture of me on my page over at Wikifur features me wearing one of their shirts. That wasn’t intentional, it just happened. I don’t have any coupon codes to hand out in this article mostly because I didn’t ask for any since I don’t know how to appropriately phrase “I’m going to make fun of your merchandise P.S. can I have free discount codes”. I will say, however, that you get free shipping on any order over $25 (which is only a couple shirts) so there’s that.