3 Gay-Unrelated Reasons I Hate Chick-Fil-A

Pay attention to the current media and you might hear something about a flurry of hatred surrounding national US fast food chain Chick-Fil-A (pronounced¬†“chick filet” in case you’re an idiot). But why? Why is there so much hatred for a restaurant chain that serves nothing but chicken and chicken by-products? Why hate on a franchise company whose only crime is poultry mass genocide? Well, it’s because the owner of the company is a religious shitbag who’s one of those “support traditional marriage” types and has donated upwards of 7 figures to organizations that are notoriously and vehemently anti-gay.


Pictured above: Insensitive asshole “Christians” who have zero compassion for their fellow people.

I’m going to resist the urge to soapbox more than I already have, but seriously, I have to say it’s good to see people as whole coming together and saying “hey, this isn’t cool” to petty bigots trying to keep kind and nontheatening gays from enjoying the benefits of legal marriage. It’s a really good feeling to see people realizing that it’s wrong to keep others down solely because of sexual orientation and it’s good to see Chick-Fil-A losing an insane amount of business because of it. The American people might not know how to take all of their country back but this right here? This is a victory.

I’m going to don some hipster glasses, though, because even though I’m 100% for marriage equality I haven’t been eating at Chick-Fil-A for years prior to this current shitstorm. None of my reasons are gay-related, either (but I mean, they are now I guess). Here’s 3 reasons why I’ve ceased dining at the subpar establishment known as “chicka filla”.


3. Their service sucks.

Food service in a national chain of restaurants is largely a case-by-case basis; that’s why you can eat at a Denny’s in one town and have a twitchy meth addict as a waitress and in another have a lively and sociable college student instead. When I say “Chick-Fil-A’s service sucks” I don’t mean that I went to some one-off franchise location where the person behind the register didn’t speak English and the worker who put my sandwich together had Parkinson’s; what I mean is their fundamental “rules” on how they handle transactions is a needlessly complicated load of shit.

I can’t eat mayonnaise. It will make me violently ill. Maybe it’s an allergy to an ingredient, maybe it’s something else. I just know one thing: if mayonnaise touches my mouth then I will be in the bathroom all night making spin art with my asshole.


Artist’s rendering.

All of Chick-Fil-A’s sandwiches come with mayonnaise on them so I kindly asked if I could have it taken off, which is entirely do-able. I then asked if I could have a tomato slice on the sandwich instead of the condiment to which I was told “yes, but we charge extra for that”.

Serious? You can’t take 49 cents’ worth of mayonnaise and replace it with 49 cents of tomato? This is a real thing, this is really happening? Like, I can’t have one piece of vegetable on my drier-than-a-fucking-nun sandwich but I can have all the vomit-inducing mayo I want?

I asked if I could have free ketchup on it instead and they told me yes. I then asked again why I had to pay for a version of tomato that requires less processing than a slurry of tomato paste, sugar, and vinegar. They did not have an answer, just “that’s just how the company runs”.


2. Their fucking cow ad campaign.

“EAT MOR CHIKIN” was funny to me when I was seven. “Haha, those cows don’t want you to eat them. Mom can we go to Burger King?”

I get it. There are cows doing “people things” and it’s funny because they’re supporting Chick-Fil-A because they don’t want to be eaten like they would at other fast food places. They’re just silly uneducated livestock standing around making a lot of noise while attempting to avoid the inevitable fate that comes for all of us. Fuck, that statement was more of an analogy than I was intending.

But here’s the thing, their mascots aren’t lovable. They’re just cattle. The cows are cute in a “look what grandma is sharing on Facebook” kind of way but other than that they’re just a blatant symbol of American consumerism, mass production, and streamlining. It’s kind of fucked up, just like the “happy cows” butter commercial. Fuck you, there are no “happy cows”. We’ve bred them, all of them, to live in metal boxes without sunlight.


This is as depressing as I am allowed to get.

Though I must say, I find it incredibly ironic that Chick-Fil-A has based their entire consumer identity around livestock protesting the “status quo” yet can’t seem to handle their shit properly when the American public turns around and uses the same tactic against them. Boo fucking hoo.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go walk around holding a sign that says “SUK MOR DIKS”.


1. Their food tastes like shit anyways.

Ultimately, what things come down to is that their food just tastes like shit to begin with. I know it’s stupid to eat at a fast food restaurant and expect something fantastic but no matter where you go there’s at least something on the menu that doesn’t taste like utter despair. Chick-Fil-A doesn’t have this; they just don’t. I’ve eaten at probably a half dozen of these places in my lifetime and none of them were anything special. The university I went to even had a Chick-Fil-A and if the sheer price of the food didn’t turn me away my memories of chewy chicken and gritty potatoes sure as hell did.

Every time I ate at Chick-Fil-A their food was just terrible. The buns were soggy, the pickles had the consistency of used condoms, and the tomatoes were just this congealed mess of pink-ish green plant matter. The chicken itself tasted like an old sock that was boiled in bathwater that a baby had massive taco shits in. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about their food and you know it’s bad when you take a bite of something and say “this needs salt” when the food itself is already 90% fucking salt to begin with.


“This looks entirely safe to put in my mouth.”

There is absolutely nothing redeeming about Chick-Fil-A. Classmates at my alma matter would rave about their waffle fries. Fan-fucking-tastic, they can cook a potato.


In the end, people will be people — and people are stupid. People of faith will stuff their faces with a disgusting ¬†preservative-laden piece of fried meat en masse if it means that two guys or two girls cannot marry but I guarantee you almost all of them would never be caught dead working in a food bank or a soup kitchen or doing any sort of charity work for that matter. The extent of their “godliness” is eating an overpriced turd sandwich for the simple reason that in doing so they feel like they’re supporting a company who’s doing nothing but contributing money to organizations making efforts to keep civil, decent people in the dark and fuck you if you support that noise.

The fact that there was so much initial support from religious fundies is sickening. There are dozens of things wrong with the world — and wrong with this shithole of a “country” for that matter — and the one thing these retards focus on is “how can we continue to oppress gays today”. Just think of the good that could be done if everybody in the picture at the top of this article came together to do something good for the world. Imagine if everybody who bought a shitty $5 value meal gave that $5 to cancer research or a children’s hospital. Imagine if they put their hivemind instincts together to achieve something that I can’t even fathom right now. No. Instead it was decided that the day would be spent hating and saying/doing hurtful, terrible things to people who are not deserving of such hate.

Fuck all of you.


– Dracophile