Edmund K. Lo: The Greatest Actor You’ve Never Heard Of
Every once in a while an actor emerges onto the scene whose performances and roles capture our hearts and bind to the very essence of our souls. GatorAIDS columnist and founder Dracophile, for example, really has a hard-on for Bruce Willis (which I assume was replaced with Sean Connery after his role in Dragonheart) and Payton, our forum administrator, more than likely swears his life to the mannerisms of shit like Cheech & Chong and Pineapple Express. I don’t know who our other staff members have boners for; I want to say Cosmic Audino has the hots for Jaleel White but I’m not 100% on that. Point is, everybody has a favorite actor whether you’re a soccer mom who loves the wholesome vagina-drying antics of Tom Hanks or some trendy hipster who’s favorite actor is so underground he’s Chinese, and I’m no different. My favorite actor is none other than the legendary Edmund K. Lo.
Never heard of Edmund K. Lo before? That’s because he’s had a grand total of zero legitimate acting roles but don’t say that to him because he’ll have you believe he starred in everything from Kids Incorporated to Titanic. Yeah, that fucking James Cameron movie. Lo is not my favorite actor because of his Oscar-deserving (and invisible) role in High School Musical 2; Lo is my favorite actor because of his ongoing role in the pseudo-documentary Edmund K. Lo: I Am a Real Actor You Guys, Seriously.
Edmund K. Lo was a literal nobody for the better part of the first 20 years of his life. He was your run-of-the-mill creeper: a guy in his 20’s with an unhealthy affection for kid stuff (see also: bronies) who one day decided to join the largest forum for fans of Power Rangers on the Internet. I’m not really going to comment on grown men foaming at the mouth over shit like this because if that’s what you’re into then whatever I guess; it could be worse, they could be into My Little Pony. I’m an avid aficionado of board games from the nineties so I can understand and appreciate having an unorthodox interest that’s off the beaten path.
Lo joined RangerBoard to sperg about Power Rangers under the username “RED DINO THUNDER”. By the time he was permabanned the administrators had renamed him “Unclefucker”. Mind you, this is a goddamn Power Rangers forum.
I don’t really know the in’s and out’s of how to behave on a Power Rangers fansite but I’m pretty sure being thrown out of one has got to be about as low as you can get on the Shame-o-meter. This isn’t some elite $10 to register high-class community like Something Awful, this is a bunch of grown men arguing about which red ranger was the best and hosting podcasts based entirely around hating the pink one. He was banned from this place. Very few people can aspire to fuck things up as epic as he has done.
[Editor’s Note: “Rangerphile” is actually a term used to describe creepy furries who beat off to Rescue Rangers. There is presently not a term available to describe Power Rangers fans. lrn2joke, Roastmaster.]
History lessons aside you’re probably wondering what the fuck this guy, now 36, has to do with the silver screen. I’m glad you asked, give me a second and I’ll pull up his extensive filmography sourced from his Nickelodeon Wiki site (none of which, oddly, shows up on his vanity IMDb page):
- Christmas Through the Eyes of Children (1980, TV)
- Kids Incorporated (1984-1993, TV)
- Titanic (1997)
- Teen Choice Awards (2002, TV)
- Transformers (2007)
- High School Musical 2 (2007)
- Star Trek (2009)
- Toy Story 3 (2010)
Holy shit just look at those movies he was in! He must have had one hell of an agent because his demo reel is essentially 30 seconds of him acting like a python having a stroke.
The best part about Lo’s filmography is how much of it he shrouds in purposeful mystery, look-alikes, and extra cast roles that always seem to go uncredited. According to his filmography Lo spent nine fucking years on the cast of Kids Incorporated which by the show’s final season would have legally made him a pedophile. Apparently his role of “Kid Eating Ice Cream” was so goddamn memorable that it warranted uncredited repeat appearances until the series’ cancellation in 1993. I don’t even know what the fuck Kids Incorporated was, and I was supposedly alive and conscious for almost all of the show’s original run, but if this YouTube video is any indication it was a shitty song & dance show where child molesters captured children and forced them to sing terrible songs made popular by fucking Grand Funk Railroad in a burned out film studio/sex dungeon. This is a real thing and it actually aired on television.
People who have been sentenced to death and had their lethal injection accidentally switched out with Hawaiian Punch have suffered less than the cast members of Kids Incorporated. Why anyone would want to spend nine years eating fucking ice cream backstage on it blows my mind.
The greatest part about his filmography is the part he snagged right after his legendary stint on Molestation Station — Titanic. Seriously how do you go from being a nobody on a dance show to an an extra in a movie directed by one of the most anal people in the business? How the fuck would anybody even find Lo in a mess of applicants? Did James Cameron wake up in the middle of the night, sit straight up, and mutter “ice cream kid” or something? What the fuck?
From there he vanishes for almost a decade and just arbitrarily shows up on Transformers and expects people to believe it? Is he just a magnet for shitty over-budget movies full of cliches and flashy special effects? Furthermore what the fuck is up with his appearance in High School Musical 2? If he was born in 1975 then he would have been thirty-two fucking years old when that film was produced. Also, calling High School Musical 2 a “film”, as I’ve been told recently, is actually considered a cinematic hate crime and can actually have your SAG membership revoked; I just want to throw that out there for any legitimate actors reading this article looking for advice and secret cheat codes to Hollywood.
Because GatorAIDS is renown around the world for our assistance in helping aspiring actors get roles. Or something.
The best part about Edmund K. Lo is that he’s like a mobius strip of hilarity. If the sheer fact that we’re talking about a guy in his mid 30’s who collects Power Rangers crap and believes he was an extra in a half-dozen blockbuster movies isn’t already kicking the ass of Dracophile’s article about Christian fucking Chandler then let’s take it a step further and talk about Edmund’s platinum-selling record My Christmas Songs 1980.
You might be expecting to hear Lo belt out carols like the trio of cooks from A Christmas Story and that’s a valid (and racist) assumption but the truth is so much funnier. Edmund K. Lo didn’t even record any songs, he simply lifted Christmas songs from other singers, burned a CD, and threw it up on the website CDBaby. No, I’m fucking serious.
A member of RangerBoard who was fed up with Lo’s bullshit, but who also had really awful taste in Christmas music, was quick to point out that Edmund had essentially lifted some tracks by Billy Gilman and rebranded them as his own. Yes, this is probably highly illegal but there’s actually a special clause mentioned in the infamous Napster case of the late 90’s that stated anybody downloading Christmas music would not be prosecuted because Christmas music is “un-copyright-able” because it’s all fucking terrible and everyone who records it should die in a fire.
It’s all in the legal papers. Read it sometime.
Normally I’d just leave well enough alone but Edmund really wants whatever percentage he makes of that four dollars from CDBaby every time someone buys an album from him so he did what any company does when they want to fellate their SEO and make their products look more attractive to buyers: post fake reviews of it. Companies pay big money for these targeted and “almost perfect but just ordinary-looking enough to pass” reviews on Amazon and such; however Edmund doesn’t have an infinite budget and instead opted to do this himself. That’s still fine but I think you’ll appreciate just “who” reviewed his CD:
Miley Cyrus took time out of her busy schedule of shooting her terrible Disney Channel show(s) to temporarily forget the English language and give Edward some mad props on his Christmas album. Isn’t that just stellar? That is completely believable. I am blown away. Even more impressive is how the magic of Edmund’s music got the Ghost Hunters team to stop giving each other blowjobs in their magic pimp van just long enough to visit the CDBaby page and vomit regurgitated man juice, confused “I/we” pronouns, and stars all over the review page. As for the third review don’t focus on it for longer than a few seconds at a time or blood will ooze from every orifice on your body. I don’t really remember why I included it.
Lo has spent most of his recent free time continuing his hobby of being as creepy and unsettling as possible around everybody whom he comes into contact with. I would like to believe he is a genuinely nice guy, because I honestly think he probably is, but then I read between the lines and look at his unhealthy obsessions with kids programming and it gives me that uneasy feeling you get when you’re the only person in the basement of a university library at four in the morning (because you “studied so hard” you fell asleep, not because you were doing drugs).
Edmund likes iCarly. He really, really, likes iCarly. For those of you who haven’t watched Nickelodeon in over a decade, which I am told is approximately 100% of our readers, iCarly is the latest piece of shit show produced by Dan Schneider and stands as his most recent reason why he should be boiled alive and fed to hungry feral wolves and that the last good thing he ever did for television was The Amanda Show, but I’m not going to bitch about iCarly for eight pages. Even if the show had ended up lasting one episode (which is should have) that’s still five episodes too many.
That is a photograph of a man in his 30’s with not one but four fucking iCarly posters. Being 17 and owning just two of them is enough to get the county judge to ready your name for the sex offender registry because if you’re older than 12 you should not be watching that show for any reason at all whatsoever. The only reason that show has an audience in the first place is because its target demographic doesn’t know any better.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise that Edmund maintains a Twitter presence, and every single one of the accounts he follows screams “MAN IF THE FBI CAME AND SEIZED MY COMPUTER I’D SURELY BE UP SHIT CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE”. He watches iCarly so religiously that not only is his username @iCarlyFan2009 but he’s wasted god knows how long whining to Dan Schneider that the production codes for his second-rate teenage webshow sitcom circus act are messed up. Twice.
Then there’s also this series of tweets he made where he watched a YouTube video of one of the iCarly cast members, took pictures with his cell phone, and tweeted them to her. You can almost hear the mouthbreathing if you focus closely enough. This guy surely has regular intercourse with an anime pillow with that girl’s face taped onto it. There is no arguing this point.
But I’m talking about a real actor here, remember that. He’s allowed to do all that because according to that Wiki site of his he is friends with Miranda Cosgrove and all of those other rejected specimens from The Disney Channel Conglomerate Factory Incorporated! I mean, who doesn’t take pictures of their friends’ YouTube videos and tweet them back to that person? Friends do that shit all the time. Hell, while I was writing this two of my friends tweeted me screencaps from that 1990’s Crossfire commercial! I’m sure those are all Lo’s friends in the picture above and he was really there. Someone had to hold the camera, right?
And like all legitimate actors, Edmund K. Lo offered to pay Wikipedia $2,000.00 to not delete his page. (They did anyways.)
PS: He also has a pregnancy fetish. Don’t believe me? Clicking here will make all your wildest dreams come true!
(We’ve all compiled a fake filmography about ourselves at some point in time. Why don’t you mosey on down to the GatorAIDS Forums and share yours with us? Actually don’t, but we’d appreciate it if you chillaxed with us a while.)