5 Completely Appropriate Christmas Gifts for Furries
WARNING: This article contains suggestive images and/or pictures of sex toys. The images are not explicitly pornographic but the content of this article may still be considered NSFW if you are reading this in a public or open environment. You have been warned.
Ask anybody what the best part of Christmas is and they will unanimously tell you “the presents”. Yes, there is nothing quite like getting a bunch of boxes of either completely useless items or something incredibly awesome. Most people are pretty easy to shop for. Kids, for example, will eat up anything (literally) with small parts or dinosaurs. All dads like socks and ties, all moms want a Snuggie, guidos want spray tan (yes even in December), and drug addicts want their next hit.
But what about furries?
Furries can be notoriously hard to shop for. After all, what exactly are you supposed to get someone whose hobbies include masturbating to The Secret of Nimh and dressing up like a fox? DVD’s, art supplies, and comic books? Joke’s on you because they probably already have all that. If you’re shopping for a furry then you have to think creatively and outside of the box. It is a medical fact that all furries are clinically insane, so here’s five Christmas gift ideas (poorly timed and posted on December 25th), that you can take to heart for the special furfag in your life.
You know what even furries have to wear? Clothes. Furries, mercifully, wear clothes. Thanks to the advent of generic Internet humor anybody who has even a fraction of a percentage of an identity can buy an entire wardrobe to broadcast to the world exactly who they are on the inside whether that person be a cynical asshole writing editorials on Christmas, a reincarnated dragon, a Dungeons & Dragons nerd, or even a serial murderer.
Yes, that is a Run-D.M.C. shirt and yes, that is a shirt made to look like the band’s logo except it reads “FUR FAG”. It also happens to be the least offensive article of clothing being worn in that picture.
Why is this shirt a perfect choice for a furry gift idea? Because depending on who you are it can either be a backhanded insult or a term of endearment. “Furfag” is a term coined by Internet trolls looking to get under the skin of the furries they creepily stalk; I even used the word in the opener to this article. It has become a part of the Internet’s collective nomenclature. Much like the black community taking back “the N-word” furries have decided they want to steal the colorful version of “fag” that people have used to keep them down.
But I still don’t think you should wear the shirt in public.
I’ll be out with it, the furry fandom is sex-centric, and don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise because they are lying to you. “Sex” is to “furry” as “water” is to “required to make urine” and I’ll irrefutably prove it to you: when was the last time you went to a Star Trek convention and saw a vendor’s booth selling silicon Klingon dicks? Exactly.
That’s where Bad Dragon comes into play; they sell nothing but dragon-themed sex toys (and then some).
Nothing says “I respect and/or tolerate you and your perverted obsession with mythological creatures” quite like a 12+ inch long dragon dick.
They also make female toys if your special furry is still in the closet.
Actually on second thought don’t do this. This is a bad idea. See next point for a better option.
Don’t get a furry an animal of any kind. Laws will be broken. You can instead get them a plushie version of whatever their favorite creature is so they can hug and molest it all they want without having an ASPCA nightmare on their hands. Normally stuffed animals are created with children in mind but much like the case with My Little Pony it’s a market that comes with unintentional demographics.
See, there’s a whole ulterior market for plushies where furries buy them, slice a hole in them, and install meticulously tailored sleeves inside of them that are colloquially known as an “SPH”, or “strategically placed hole”. Seriously.
The wolf pictured above? IT IS UNCLEAN.
Not everybody is into plushies, though. Some furries have a thing for inflatables (e.g. pool toys), well you can bet your furry ass there’s a market for that too. And guess what? They also come with an “SPH” or two (or three) if you have the money.
So we’ve come this far in the article to an entry titled only “Thor”. We’ve seen shirts, dragon dongs, and safer venues for expressing bestiality via plush wolves and vinyl orcas. What else could possibly be next?
How about what is known in the fandom as “the granddaddy of all toys”? This is your last chance to avert your eyes. Below this sentence is a picture of a horse dildo twice as big as the arm of the guy holding it.
You should have seen that coming, really. That there is “Thor“, a production of Zeta Creations (now operating as Zeta Paws). Before Bad Dragon showed up to start kicking everybody’s ass Zeta owned the market for toys and they were raking in what amounted to free money. You heard correctly, this was a lucrative business even before the Internet was a majorly affordable commodity.
Just looking at that toy is enough to make you cringe in discomfort. It’s supposed to be a novelty but I’ll be damned if that product page doesn’t advertise it as a something intended for serious use.
There’s even a popular urban legend in the fandom about a group of furries who brought Thor into a Denny’s restaurant and were promptly kicked out. This story is acknowledged and reflected in the “Kicked Out Of Denny’s” achievement on the Zeta Paws website. They owned up to it.
So there you have it. Five (alright,
four three because Thor is mercifully no longer in production) gift ideas that you can let stew in your head for the next year until it’s inevitably Christmas again… unless the world blows up on December 21st, 2012 in which case nevermind. I’ll ride my inflatable orca into the great beyond. See you there.