6 Legendary Bathroom Pranks (That Are Easy To Do!)
If there was a stock market for disgusting practical jokes (stock symbol: TURD) then the market was at its highest during the opening of the world’s first public restroom. A public restroom is the only place where you can pull your pants down and whip out your dong without fear of being labeled as a sex offender* and studies have shown that humans are at their most vulnerable when they are taking a dump (Zombieland, et al.). When someone storms into a bathroom seeking desperate relief this moment is the RPG-equivalent of a critical hit chance and is the perfect moment to pull a mind-blowing prank on them.
Here are six pranks you can pull in a bathroom to prey upon a random stranger when they’re at their most vulnerable. These aren’t your grandmother’s “fake wet floor” sign pranks either, these are pranks that if executed properly will cause people to avert their eyes in disgust or cock their heads in total mindfuck. Each prank is rated on the following criteria: Cost (for materials), Time (to execute), Punishment (if you’re caught), and overall Difficulty.
*Note: Despite the fact that you can legally pull down your pants in a public restroom there are still things you can do in said bathroom to obtain this label. Please use direction when handling your No-No.
Anybody can buy a fake cat turd from the practical jokes aisle of Party City but we aren’t doing that here; if you’re buying your tools in the gag aisle of an anti-party superstore then you’re an utter failure at your craft. Real pranksters know how to make their own props and gags; what we’re making here is real (fake) poop.
What you need:
1 single-serving sleeve of Fig Newton cookies
1 sandwich-sized Ziploc bag
1/2 tablespoon of whole kernel corn (optional)
Easy as pie. Place the cookies into the Ziploc bag and smash the hell out of them with your hands. Break them up and continue to knead them in the bag for several minutes until they adopt a brown paste-like texture; if you’re an apt reader you’re probably able to tell exactly where this is going because at this point you can probably figure the rest out on your own. If you want to go the route of corn-crap then add the corn at this stage and knead it into the mass. Cut one of the bottom two corners of the bag to turn it into a makeshift icing bag.
The bag of fake feces is pretty easy to hide so keep it on you and enter the bathroom. Approach the target urinal and take out the icing bag and hover it several inches over the urinal. Squeeze from the top of the bag so you get a nice long and solid snake out of the hole you cut. From here you can go crazy with it. Make a spiral, make it hang over the edge; hell, write your fucking name in cursive writing if you really want to screw with someone’s mind.
Conception and birth are both miracles of the universe right up there with magnets, rainbows, and pelicans whose diets consist entirely of cell phones in the scope of what doctors Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope hypothesize is “pure motherfucking magic”. I don’t have a vagina so I don’t know what an abortion entails but I’m not an idiot so I’m pretty sure I can guess, I just know that baseball bats and coat hangers are both involved in back-alley procedures and since coat hangers are slightly more offensive that’s exactly what you need to completely destroy someone’s faith in God. Bonus points are in order if you execute this prank in a Republican state.
What you need:
metal-style coat hanger
8 oz. corn syrup
2 oz. tap water
red food dye
1 tablespoon bacon bits (fine to medium style)
“squirt” style ketchup bottle
This prank is as easy as mixing ingredients. The objective here is to come up with a concoction that has the consistency of coagulated, meaty blood and use it as an implication of ill-deeds. I suggest mixing things in a “squirt” bottle that has a wide mouth so the bacon bits can pass through it. Corn syrup and food dye is a classic slasher movie staple for fake blood and that’s what we’re doing here; the water is to thin the mixture just slightly so it doesn’t look like obvious corn syrup and food dye. Mix the syrup, water, dye, and bacon bits in the bottle and shake well; bend the coat hanger out straight but keep the hook intact. You’re basically ready to go after this, just remember that a little bit of food dye goes a long way; use sparingly.
This trick works best if you do it in a women’s restroom, so our male readers may find this prank a little more difficult since it requires being in the bathroom of the opposite sex, though it’s just as gross and perhaps more confusing if done in the men’s room anyway. The hardest thing to sneak in might be the coat hanger but you can bend it up to hide it and simply straighten it out when you get inside. When it comes to the fake blood what you’re looking for here is strategic coverage; you’re going to want to squirt some of it on the actual toilet and get some in the water to cause a cloudy/swirly effect as well as dribbling some on the floor and maybe even stepping in it to make smeared footprints. Don’t forget about the faux murder weapon either, make sure you coat the hook of it liberally (works best with white hangers) and place it somewhere where it will be noticed almost immediately.
I guarantee the first person who sees this will shit their pants but that’s okay since they’re already in the bathroom.
Have you ever seen those gross-out “investigations” by local news affiliates where they show up in a hotel room with UV lights and the entire place lights up like a Grateful Dead poster store? The news anchor, usually either an Asian woman or a male anchor of dubious orientation, stands in the middle of the room and with the flick of a switch everything is covered in a suspicious green glow that resembles a Predator slaughterhouse. This is the feel we’re going for, something that when someone sees it they won’t know what it is they’re looking at but they’ll instinctively feel dirty nonetheless.
What you need:
glow sticks of assorted colors
box cutters or X-ACTO knife
Preparations for this prank are carried out almost simultaneously with the execution, but if you like you can break and activate all of your glow sticks beforehand. Just know that most glow sticks only last a few hours so any time you waste holding onto them is time they won’t be spending being used for the prank.
Carry the glow sticks into the bathroom with you and enter one of the stalls. It is best to set this prank up with the lights on that way it’s less obvious you’re doing something. Snap a glow stick and shake it to activate it, then slice it open with the razor and splatter its contents on the stall walls and/or toilet. Repeat as necessary, and if you like you can contort your fingers into weird patterns and make various “love smears” on the walls as well. Dispose of the empty glow sticks in the bathroom trash can and wash your hands, you will have alien jizz on you and your clothes will too. Exiting the bathroom is the hardest part as it requires you to turn the lights off when you leave which will cause you to glow in low light like some perverse version of Alex Mack, so do so when nobody is around.
If done correctly the next time someone walks in before turning on the lights they should see what appears to be a stall dripping with fluids of unknown origin. “Broken glow sticks” will not be their first thought thanks to sensationalist media practices.
“Push button, receive bacon” is a pretty tired and commonplace vandal message to scratch onto a hand dryer. It’s time to kick it up a notch and replace that box of hot air with a device that will dispense actual bacon* with the push of a button. This prank can be performed in a variety of ways, but this particular version focuses more on cosmetic changes and bewildering the people you fool; they will know something is “wrong” with the hand dryer, but they will feel compelled to push the button anyway to see what will happen.
*Not actual bacon, but the “bacon” does contain more meat than bacon-flavor dog treats.
What you need:
paper party streamers (red)
permanent marker (black)
This is going to take a while (in this version at least). This also might require an “informative” visit to the bathroom to take measurements of the hand dryer unless you already know the dimensions. This trick works with the type of hand dryer with the vent that you can turn to face different directions too so keep that in mind. This may not work with newer models. You will need to cut out some cardboard panels that will fit around the hand dryer to cover and obscure its instructions and existing name. Write “BACON DISPENSER” on the front panel and be sure to include the catchphrase “push button receive bacon” on it somewhere, preferably near the button with an arrow pointing to it.
After you make the cardboard pieces the next step is to take the red paper streamers and cut them into strips that resemble raw bacon. Hold onto these.
Quickly enter the restroom and take out your individual pieces of cardboard and duct tape. Put a loop of tape on the underside of each panel and stick it onto the hand dryer where they go to assemble the new shell. Turn the air vent upside down so it’s facing toward you and drop the “bacon” streamers into the duct. The next time someone presses this button it will shoot the bacon streamers out of it; the person you fool won’t be able to tell what it is right away, they will either inspect the “new” device or press the button without thinking.
Alternatively you can dump glitter into the air duct for a “GLAM STATION” or pour confetti into it and label it “INSTANT PARTY MACHINE”.
Not everything you do has to be inherently offensive or disgusting; sometimes it’s fun to just mess with somebody in a way that disturbs or confuses them rather than making them throw up in the back of their mouth with fake poop and abortions (use the alien one at your own discretion, some people get off on that kind of thing). This prank is one that would illicit more of a bewildered one due to its aural nature. Most people will begin to slowly climb the Rage-O-Meter at the sound of a crying baby, so here’s a trick to get someone pissed while pissing.
What you need:
voice recorder (cassette tape style)
a baby, or access to one
Record the baby crying and fill up the entire mini-tape with baby sounds. I don’t care how you get the baby to cry. Take its toys away. Punch it square in the face. Whatever works. You don’t want 30 solid minutes (the length of miniature tapes) of crying, instead you want some crying followed by about a minute or so of silence. You can do this simply by shutting the recorder off and fast forwarding it for a few moments. Repeat until the tape is full.
This trick can really be done in any bathroom but it has an eerier effect if the target bathroom has a diaper changing table (for babies not fetish play you sick fucks). Most changing tables are pretty basic in design and operate as a simple door, most also have some amount of hollow space when closed so smaller objects can be hidden inside of them. What you’re going to want to do is hide the tape recorder inside of the changing table preferably toward the top of the device and with the speaker as close as possible to a screw hole or some sort of crack so sounds aren’t obscured (although if you can’t the sound of a baby crying inside of a changing table is still pretty funny, you can combo it with the fake abortion blood and splatter it on the walls).
Remember to rewind the tape, turn the volume all the way up, hit the play button and skate out of the bathroom. This is an easy prank for someone to uncover but the first few moments they inexplicably hear a baby will more than likely confuse the hell out of them, especially if the bathroom in question is meant for one person at a time.
This is the mother of all pranks. Pulling this one off would land you an achievement if life were an Xbox 360 game, and if you add all the extra flair then you’d be right up there in the annals of bathroom humor next to the guy who first rhymed “broken hearted” with “only farted”. Your mission here is to turn a place where you poop into one where you party (and also still poop too, I guess).
What you need:
a fake “closed” sign (temporary)
party lighting (strobe, rainbow, etc.)
portable radio or CD player
fog machine (optional)
bubble machine (optional)
Have you ever thrown a party before? No? What’s it like living in your mother’s basement? You need decorations, you need props, and you need effects. All of these will cost money and due to the nature of the prank you probably shouldn’t anticipate getting everything back, not unless you want to confess to the prank afterward and catch the heat for doing so. You can get most everything you’ll need at any specialty party store (the same places I specifically said not to buy fake cat turds from in the beginning of the article). Preparations for this prank involve collecting supplies and forming a plan to sneak them in, because a radio is pretty damn big. How can you sneak things into the bathroom?
No, don’t stuff a dead baby with a radio. Just put the radio in the carriage and cover it with a blanket and if anybody asks you why you have a rectangular kid you’re free to insult them for gawking at your hideous offspring.
This prank is best done during peak hours but it requires you to block off the bathroom and not let anybody in. Most stores and restaurants keep a wet floor sign (“piso mojado” if you’re looking at it from the wrong side) handy in the bathroom in case there’s a plumbing issue, use this to your advantage. Slap your “bathroom’s closed” sign onto the wet floor standee and place it in the doorway. Nobody should enter, especially if there’s another set of bathrooms elsewhere.
From this point you should have the freedom to hang tinsel, set up your lights (hope you brought a 6-way surge protector), blow up balloons, fuel up your effect machines, and tune in the radio. Theoretically nobody should mess with you since most people are sheep and will mindlessly obey an arbitrary obstacle (a fun social experiment is to open all of the maximum occupancy sections at a theme park ride and watch everybody navigate the entire maze without moving any gates). The execution of this prank is largely dependent on what you’re able to get your hands on so arrange your props accordingly. If you brought colored lights or strobe lights turn them on and turn off the fluorescent ceiling lights on your way out. Finally, remember to remove your sign and place the original wet floor one back where you found it.
The next person who enters this bathroom will have their mind blown.
– Dracophile and Steel Pinata
Portions of this article guest-written by Steel Pinata. Because I had to subject myself to Xenomorph porn for the sake of this article, here’s where I found it in case you’re somehow interested.