5 Hilariously Awful Counterfeit Lego Cars
I’ve been writing observational and product-based Internet comedy for far too long; it’s gotten to the point where I cannot go to a bargain store without feeling like I have to glance at the cheap toys or Mexican DVD’s because there’s a chance I’ll find something that would make a great base for an article. I only ever write articles for about 30% of the crap I buy, the rest just gets tossed out or Goodwill’d. That mentality has to change if I plan on keeping GatorAIDS relevant, current, and updated on a regular basis so here’s the theme of today’s article. It’s so hilariously atrocious that all I have to do is say it and then smack down WordPress’ “More” line because I know you’ll love it. Are you ready? Here it is:
Counterfeit Lego. And now here’s the More line:
I’m going to assume everybody reading this knows what Lego is. If you don’t then please check to ensure you’re a part of the “Earth” demographic that visits this site (shout-out to all of my homies on Reptilicus-9!). Lego — you know — those ridiculously overpriced pieces of plastic that snap together to form models that you can play with for all of about three minutes before the wheels and stuff pop off? Yeah, a counterfeit of that. While gawking at all of the crap sold at a Dollar General store I visited while away on a trip I came upon the toy aisle wherein after discharging the contents of one damaged container of silly string directly into the face of GatorAIDS columnist FPS ref1ex I discovered a small cache of these glorious products.
Counterfeit Lego, to me at least, is like an elusive Pokemon in the comedy world. I’ve seen other people post about it but never once have I discovered any of it for my own. Mega Bloks and other widely distributed off-brands don’t count; I’m talking real legitimate knock offs here, the kind where the packaging just screams “the contents of this box were made in a sweatshop in China and in accordance with Chinese work standards contain at least half of a human finger”. One of the main places I go to get my dose of Not Lego comedy is a site called Reasonably Clever but honestly rather than genuinely laugh at the content there I end up questioning the mental stability of the webmaster. I mean, I just want to laugh at counterfeit Lego; I don’t want to know the exact part and model numbers being ripped off. That kind of Lego dedication is borderlining on being downright creepy.
No, I take that back. It is creepy. It’s fucking Lego, dude.
I understand the webmaster’s “duty” to provide clean content seeing as how when he isn’t making fun of things like Zephyr Knight Skeleton Town Treasure he maintains a G-rated comic strip made entirely out of Lego (obsession much?). Me? I don’t have to watch my content for family-friendly programming. Fuck your family. I’ll say whatever I want because GatorAIDS isn’t a kids’ site. It has “AIDS” in the title; if you’re letting your child on this place then you’re a worse parent than Casey Anthony. Just to spite your parenting skills I’m going to throw down a sex term that your kid is now going to ask you about. Dirty Sanchez.
We’re all adults (mostly) here at GatorAIDS and we’re going to be treating and playing with these toys as such, so without further adieu here’s the loot:
Here we have five sets of Bizarro Lego representing the fine craftsmanship of two companies: Best-Lock and Funmark, two establishments whose websites look exactly how you’d imagine a manufacturer of dangerous knock-off toys would. Seriously, it’s freaky. Both companies have their products brought to us by the fine folks at DOLGENCORP LLC. I don’t know if the capital letters are required or not but it appears as such on both types of boxes; whoever was responsible for typing up the DOLGENCORP name left caps lock on. (Fun Fact: If you haven’t figured out the mystery puzzle, “Dolgencorp” is a mashed up abbreviation of “Dollar General Corporation”.)
Moving right along, here’s the lowdown on the three sets from Best-Lock.
Straight from either China, Germany, or Canada we have three members of the Best-Lock toy family. I say they’re from those three countries because I can’t tell for sure. The box says “Made in China” but it also says the designs and concepts were created in Canada and Germany (and let’s not forget our friends in the United States who brought these blocks to us). That’s right; it took a UN meeting to make these toys happen. Best-Lock earns bonus points for fostering international peace right off the bat. They then shatter this notion of peace by apparently being licensed by the US Army to make official Army play sets because I guess when it comes to doing things cheap the Army knows how to get it done in the most efficient manner. Cue Iraqi War jokes.
One thing Best-Lock really wants us to know is that their bricks “work with other brands”. This message is repeated on the box three times in English and nine other times in a variety of other languages including Italian, French, and Klingon plus the context-less phrase “100% COMPATIBLE” is emblazoned on the box as well; that’s 13 instances of compatibility which falls just a mere 2 phrases short of becoming an e-Harmony commercial. What these “other brands” are Best-Lock does not say… but clearly these are Mega Bloks rip-offs.
The rest of the box is simply a crapshoot of repeated phrases and graphics. The back of the box lists all the pieces contained inside the set while every other side of it has the Best-Lock logo and some mentioning of compatibility with other brands. The front of the box says that children aged 0-3 shouldn’t play with these toys (if I were Stuart Ashen I’d call the icon a “Sad Onion”) and yet the bottom of the box says that you should be at least five years old to ride the Best-Lock rollercoaster. I guess they can’t quite make up their minds. It’s also apparently recyclable if you want to throw it away I guess. Or maybe it’s not and this is just a collection of regurgitated iconography that shows up on every counterfeit product in the world (hint: it is).
The first hate crime I opened from Best-Lock was their police car which I have somewhat affectionately named “Donut”. Donut came with a bag of parts, a couple of “POLICE” stickers, and some instructions whose first two steps were “put the wheels on, then flip the thing over”, because I guess you need two steps for that.
The first step requires you to build upon an existing car frame which is suspiciously thin and brittle. I measured it and it’s exactly one millimeter thick. For our American readers who never bothered to learn the Metric system you can consider this “Really Goddamn Thin” and can achieve the same thickness by folding a piece of paper in half. That’s what I’m working on here; the damn thing bends in the middle.
Upon sticking this together I realized that this is essentially a solid brick with wheels and required all of about thirty seconds’ worth of effort to come up with. Half of the pieces stuck together so incredibly well that they may as well be superglued while the other half simply would not lock in the least bit. For a company called “Best-Lock” you’d think they’d have at least the meaning of their company name down but honestly what could you possibly expect from a second-rate imitator? I completed Donut, stuck his stickers on the side panels, and then promptly realized that the wheels don’t turn very well and they don’t come off; meanwhile, the windshield will simply not stay on.
Up next and also from the Best-Lock “TOWN” series is this fire truck that I never assigned a name to because I loathe its very existence. For this reason it shall forever be known as “Untitled Fire Truck”.
Untitled Fire Truck also came with a couple stickers of poorly printed generic fire truck graphics but it’s suspiciously lacking the same cheap brittle base that Donut came with. Instead, the very first step of this thing’s instructions are to set a bunch of pieces side by side and then place a longer flat piece on top of them. This is somehow easier than starting with the long piece as a baseplate; Best-Lock are clearly the experts here, not me.
For the most part this truck was a no brainer with the exception of its windshield. Untitled Fire Truck expressed the same exact flaws resulting from cheap molds and crappy plastic but it demonstrated it in such a way that it caused the windshield piece to simply refuse to stay on. I don’t mean that it was loose and just fell off easily (like the police car), I mean that the pieces were so warped and screwed up that placing the windshield on would inevitably cause it to fly right the fuck off.
Finally we come to the last Best-Lock car, a pink Jeep-looking thing that I have named “Kimmy” for no reason other than that’s what it was called on the box and I figured the name was stupid enough to stick. Kimmy didn’t come with any stickers but she came with the same black baseplate as Donut which ends up sticking out like a sore thumb amid the nauseating sea of pink blocks.
Even though Kimmy clearly looks like a convertible it’s the only vehicle out of the three that has proper doors which look like obvious rip-offs of the same part that Lego includes sporadically in their sets. One of Kimmy’s doors suffers from a case of super glue while the other won’t stay on worth a damn. Mmmm, quality.
It’s worth pointing out, now that we’re three cars into this article, that all of Best-Lock’s cars don’t have rubber tires. They have these nasty horrid plastic pieces of shit that kind of resemble wheels but don’t serve their purpose at all. A better idea would have been to just make all of these damned vehicles into sleds because that’s about all they amount to with the hardware provided by the factory.
But I digress. Here’s a completed Kimmy:
Now this is REAL counterfeiting at its best. Best-Lock made an effort to make their toy packaging stand out and look legitimate but Funmark just does not give a shit at all. Their line, titled “Fun Mini Bricks Set”, is just a sad looking mish-mash of ugly fonts and Web 2.0 clip art no doubt stolen from some Angry Birds rip-off. The photograph of the model on the box isn’t even in focus. Both boxes are described as being a “Harvester” yet neither one actually looks like a harvester; upon flipping the box over I’m greeted with the phrase “collect all harvester in different version” which leads me to believe that nobody at Funmark knows what a harvester actually is. It’s like they only received one page out of a “Learn English Fast” book that focused solely and entirely on farm equipment and this was the only word they learned.
Funmark takes Lego pretty damn seriously and suggests that their products are for kids 6 years old and up. Honestly by this point if your child is six and he’s still putting Legos and shit in his nose then he’s probably retarded. You can stop fooling yourself into believing he’s a “late bloomer” and just accept the fact that either your sperm is defective or your womb is a fail factory.
Unlike the Best-Lock toys, which were of different vehicles, these two Funmark cars are basically the same thing so to tell them apart I’m just going to name them by the color of the hat worn by its driver on the box: Green and Red.
I almost cried in glee when I opened the box and poured the contents out. I was expecting some kind of half-assed attempt from Best-Lock judging by the amount of work they put into their packaging but with Funmark I was just expecting bottom of the barrel absolute garbage, and oh my god. Oh. My. God. This is it.
First things first, we’re renaming this vehicle to “Gray” because unlike the picture on the box this person isn’t wearing a green hat. Due to the color of his headwear I’m assuming he’s a member of LulzSec; I honestly thought they would be driving nicer cars. Secondly I feel the need to point out the fact that our friend Gray here isn’t wearing any pants. He’s straight up driving his pseudo-farm equipment while freeballin’ it, and that my friends takes balls. Balls which I can clearly see.
It took me a moment but I realized that the Funmark sets are the only two that came with people. All of Best-Lock’s vehicles are apparently driven by ghosts or are kidnapped members of the Cars movie universe that have undergone heavy surgery to obscure their grotesquely horrifying faces. I guess you’re trading perceived quality for the inclusion of little people.
I don’t know what Gray is driving but it sure as hell isn’t a harvester. This thing looks like it has machine guns or something on the side. Also I don’t understand the need to have included transparent blue blocks for the front end of the car, is it for added coolness? If so how come the rest of the car is a bunch of ugly mismatched crap? Who cares, here’s Gray in all his implied glory:
I’m not going to lie to you, Red is almost no different from Gray; the two even share some parts between them like whatever the hell those red handlebar things are. They also both like transparent blue for some reason I have yet to figure out. Red also came with a god awful assortment of colored parts. Much like his friend Gray they all match about as well as an average Jersey Shore cast member trying to dress themselves.
I guess if I were as well-educated about Lego as the guy from Reasonably Clever was I could be a lot more critical of these sets, but I realize all I do here is look at the box and laugh, open it and laugh, assemble the set and laugh, and then go touch myself to Jurassic Park. I really don’t know how to make a joke that appeals to Lego fans. I don’t know if this is a rip-off of some popular set or what, but I know I can strike a humor chord with you geeky types by saying someone ripped Red’s brain out.
No, I mean it. I took his hat off to see what he was hiding. He doesn’t have a brain. He seems to be a good sport about it though.
Since these are the only two sets that came with little mini-figures I decided it would be for the best if I at least took a look at these jokers. Both of the guys that came with Funmark’s “harvesters” have malformed asses; neither of them can “sit” on their vehicles with their full ass because the little holes in their buttcheeks where the brick studs would go are too small. I thought long and hard about the various anal sex jokes the previous sentence implied and after working my crank mentally I simply decided to go with the obvious “they must be virgins” joke.
They also have a serial number of some sort printed directly on their backsides; Red, for example, is 4XX5F10. Actually they both are. Nevermind. Trying to unravel the mysteries of Funmark’s idiocy is too damn hard. They should stick to making unsafe trikes for babies or whatever it is they spend their time doing because I know it sure as hell isn’t Lego or Flash intros for their site.
With all five of these sets built (and about $6 poorer after buying them) I found myself without much more to do so I decided to end this exploration into the realm of shitty knock-off Lego the only way I know how: by fighting the cars against one another to see who’s the King of Cheap. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Cheapo-Demo-Lego-Derby:
Additionally, the Reasonably Clever blog I had mentioned previously in this article likes to take an arrogant and pretentious road and boast about not being able to wait to throw these sets in the trash. Why? Why throw them away? These things are fucking fun because they’re so cheap. Look at this aftermath of Cheapo-Demo-Lego-Derby, I haven’t had this much fun since- wait, wait what is that? OH GOD WHAT IS IT DOING?!
– Dracophile and FPS ref1ex