What Your Fursona REALLY Says About You
WARNING: Images in this article HAVE been censored but the content may still be considered NSFW if you’re reading this in an open environment. You have been warned.
I’ve been on the Internet a long time. I remember back when every website displayed in Times New Roman and when GeoCities websites turned up in the first pages of Google searches. The Internet was a different place back then, full of buzzing modems and ugly typewriter-looking fonts (excluding the GeoCities-made fanpage staple Comic Sans). Previously disenfranchised people such as white supremacists were able to connect with each other and talk about hating black people, hating Jews, and doubly hating Jewish black people. Social groups that were otherwise unattached with one another were given a chance to reach out and band together and one of the very first groups to do so and gain momentum was the furry fandom.
Furries claim that their fandom has been around since the eighties and even have “experts” in the fandom that agree. If “Expert of the Furry Fandom” isn’t a self-appointed title I don’t know what is, but I will say that while the tiger chick from Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like The Wolf” music video was indeed hot I find it a far stretch to say that people are dressing up like Care Bears and having sex with each other because of it. That’s like saying Richard Nixon fucked up the economy of the United States by taking us off of the gold standard in the 1960’s. It certainly wasn’t a step in the right direction but Tricky Dick isn’t responsible for toppling the economy. Dubya, his cronies, and the combined efforts of their Visas and MasterCards are. Likewise, a European pop band isn’t responsible for the word “yiff”; a bunch of Aspergers with incredibly backwards and deviant sexual desires and access to an AOL free trial CD in the early nineties were.
I don’t hate furries, really. Dracophile is a friend of mine, and I suppose Payton is as well by proxy now that we write for the same site, and both of them are moderately sane and decent people if not a little eccentric at times. The only thing I have a problem with, honestly, is all of the people from the furry fandom who are so disconnected with the world and oblivious to how fucking retarded they are that they unknowingly put on a show for the masses as they haul their Baconator-loving masses around inside of an otter fursuit in the middle of an upscale hotel. For some furries their interests are mundane and they’re only in it to draw a few pictures and make some friends and I commend them for that, even if you have to stoop as low as to draw porn of Street Sharks at least you’re making an effort to make friends. Then there are those who live and breathe furrydom like an obsession and claim that their “fursona” is a representation of who they are on the inside (“halp imma aminal trapped in a hyooman bodyyy!!!”). This article is meant to take a look at the most popular fursonas in the fandom, what their subscribers think it means, and what it actually means.
As an added bonus (and just to further piss everybody off) I’m going to be including a ranking based on each particular network of furries’ chances of being animal-humping zoophiles. Each percentage has been carefully calculated using a top secret formula that involves a dart board, sticky notes, the soundtrack to Jerry Maguire, and a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
Furthermore as a DOUBLE bonus you can click any of the censored images for their uncensored counterparts!
What furries think it means: Furries who choose a dog as their fursona like to believe they’re “man’s best friend” and can get along with anybody and make lots of friends. Similarly, because canines can be pack animals their desires to surround themselves with people shows through except instead of getting together to hunt deer or something they’re all just having big doggie orgies. Canine furries portray themselves as friendly and out of all of the groups displayed are one of the ones who role play in forum posts the most, this meaning all they do is derail a thread with a one sentence reply followed by *barks happily and humps your leg*.
What it actually means: You are a sex-depraved lunatic that will latch onto whatever pant leg is closest to you and hump the everliving daylights out of it.
Probability of being a zoophile: 85%
What furries think it means: Feline furries like to imagine themselves as either coy or intelligent and take the “role playing in the middle of a serious thread” idea even a step higher by either injecting a playful anecdote or a string of cute emoticons in all of their messages to ensure they come off as playful. Cats (the real animals) are assholes by nature so this personality trait usually matches up quite nicely with whomever declares it their own, just take GatorAIDS’ lead columnist Payton as an example. He trolls churches (even though Westboro Baptist isn’t a real church); case in point.
What it actually means: You subscribe to one the most tired memes on the Internet and you probably click banner ads for Smiley Central.
Probability of being a zoophile: 47%
What furries think it means: Horses are seen as very strong and elegant animals. By adopting this image as their avatar many equine furries believe that they can capture the elegance of a wild horse as their own. I’ve personally noticed many of the “older furs” (by “old” I mean 40’s and 50’s old) adopt the horse as their fursona not because of the elegance but because it’s a symbol of fertility. Yes, the horse and his massive set of genitalia is a representation of strong sexual urges and potency, something that these newfound Viagra addicts cling onto for dear sanity.
What it actually means: You are a size queen that enjoys large (preferrably horse-sized) cocks and treat Mr. Hands as a martyr.
Probably of being a zoophile: 100%
What furries think it means: “Rodent” is actually an expansive category of animals in the furry fandom covering rats, rabbits, and bats to name a few. For the most part these three animals are generally appealing to the crowd of people who subscribe to the punk or emo lifestyle and wear body jewelry like it’s going out of style (hint: it is). Rodent furs portray themselves as edgy and grungy, something that actual rats do quite nicely considering they lack bladder control and piss constantly and use turds as directional markers — I can see the resemblance.
What it actually means: You buy everything you wear and listen to at Hot Topic and think that the “nonconformist” lifestyle makes you a beautiful and unique flower. You couldn’t be more wrong.
Probability of being a zoophile: 11%
What furries think it means: “Don’t fuck with me” is a slogan that all literal reptiles have made their own by means of adopting razor-sharp teeth, potent venom, spiky skin, the ability to squeeze you to death, or a combination of all four. Reptiles honestly are killing machines and that ultra tough exterior appeals to reptile furries (which are actually called “scalies” as I have been informed by Dracophile) who want to portray themselves as being just as rugged. The majority of artwork that I’ve seen of reptile furs consist of characters in very Southern clothing (cowboy hats, etc). I’m not going to say it’s a regional thing but…
What it actually means: You are a lazy slacker that mimics reptiles to the point where you too sleep all day, however instead of sleeping to metabolize a meal you killed yourself you’re sleeping because you just finished off that bag of Funyuns in one sitting.
Probability of being a zoophile: 23%
What furries think it means: Remember the awesome dinosaurs from Jurassic Park? Remember how incomprehensibly badass every dinosaur movie in the history of time was (except Land of the Lost)? Thinking that dinosaurs are awesome is a prerequisite for being five years old but some people don’t outgrow it and take it to a higher level because while dinosaurs are completely and totally dead forever and ever the image they represent is what appeals to dino furs. In their mental equation being a Velociraptor translates to instant badaassery, and while I do see the logic in that I regretfully acknowledge that they failed to carry over the “you’re a furry” factor in the equation.
What it actually means: You’re a worthless “scene” kid who simply follows whatever fad is currently trendy. You probably also have a Twitter and have tweeted at least 4 times while reading this article.
Probability of being a zoophile: 0.1%
What furries think it means: What could possibly be more powerful than a dragon? Barring [insert god here] nothing, that’s right. Furries who portray themselves as a dragon sought out the epitome of strength and intelligence: the completely made-up and over-powered mythical dragon. By becoming a dragon one is untouchable and impervious to everything (except stairs) and that’s exactly what gets these folks off. Well, that and a heaping helping of vore fetishes.
What it actually means: You are scrawny and insecure about yourself so you picked the most powerful thing you could think of.
Probability of being a zoophile: 35%
What furries think it means: Foxes are a symbol of beauty and in some respects innocence as well as they are often either portrayed as a damsel in distress (see Star Fox Adventures) or a hero (see Star Fox 64); hell “foxy” is even a synonym for “attractive” or “sexy” — everybody wants to bone foxes. An Internet comedian before me once said that foxes are the gateway drug to the furry fandom and that “everybody starts out as one.” Whether your poison is Miles “Tails” Prower or Disney’s Robin Hood choosing a fox as your fursona is a symbol of being a neophyte, a placeholder avatar that you will replace in the future. For now you just want to get your yiffin’ on.
What it actually means: You are one of the most unoriginal people on the planet and probably have no idea what “furry” is or the Hell you have just walked into.
Probability of being a zoophile: Any of the previous categories.