REVIEW: Jelly Belly “Bean Boozled” Beans
Last time on “Don’t Put That In Your Mouth” I defied my own intuition in regards to Chocolate Mix Skittles and went ahead and put them in my mouth. That was a bad move and clearly I do not learn from my mistakes; this time around I will be putting the Jelly Belly “Bean Boozled” jelly beans to the test. Compared to Jelly Belly the Skittles are small potatoes because when Jelly Belly makes purposefully bad flavors they do it with a precision unrivaled by anybody else on the face of the Earth (keep in mind I said “on purpose” there, otherwise virtually every single candy that comes out of Mexico would be on this list – it’s not their fault they substitute sugar with chili powder, I think). I have formerly gone toe to toe with some of Jelly Belly’s off-key flavors when they had those special Harry Potter beans, and much to my horror they have seen new life as Bean Boozled beans; beans with the ability to hide amongst the good flavored ones and bite you when you least expect it. Dear God, these are V beans!!
Even the box art is bizarre. In the upper left corner (the RED one nur hur) there’s a picture of a pear crossed with a skunk with an exploding rectum (which is incorrect according to the back of the box, see below). I’m intrigued already, how about you? Below that is a plum which looks suspiciously like a butt (there may actually be a butt flavor I’m not 100% sure) and a pepper grinder, some people might like a little extra pepper on their butts… you know, to kick it up a notch. Like Emeril. In the blue square we have a berry and a toothbrush; the last time I saw a pairing like this was probably on that pro-brushing-your-teeth-all-the-god-damn-time show Timmy the Tooth. Finally in what I call the “loser square” there’s popcorn and a broken egg… which are basically two flavors so gross and interchangeable if this were a contest they would win by default.
So, like I previously stated, this is a terror I have already experienced firsthand. I think the criteria I held them to will uphold quite nicely for this article so I will be carrying them over. However all of those beans were in the Harry Potter promotional package so they had their own colors and patterns; in this new assortment they all are meant to look like existing flavors so I will be tossing out the “Appearance” category and running on these three instead:
- Smell: This is basically how I’m going to tell them apart from the real beans, if you smush one in your fingers it’ll smell like whatever the flavor is.
- Flavor: This is a judgment of how bad (or possibly good?) each of the beans taste initially.
- Aftertaste: This is the flavor they leave lingering behind after I’ve either swallowed them, spit them out, or gone into cardiac arrest.
- Like I said the whole purpose of these beans is for them to masquerade as existing flavors so you don’t know which one you are eating until you put one in your mouth. This unwieldy practice dates back to them making Cinnamon and Very Cherry the same fucking color and ruining many childrens’ afternoons because of it. Looking at these I see ten of Jelly Belly’s most popular flavors and right next to them I see ten flavors someone in the R&D department came up with when he wanted to get fired from his job. Unlike the Chocolate Mix Skittles, which I said may have been explained by a simple mix-up of paperwork going to the M&M’s and Skittles factories, there is no explanation for Jelly Belly to hide behind with these flavors. They made them because they hate you, they want you to suffer, and they want you to know that. They are mean enough to make something as innocent as a peach turn into vomit the second you bite into it and frankly that’s a cruel joke that I wouldn’t even play on somebody I really hated. Not even Mark Wahlberg. There is a special place in Hell for whoever thought this was a good idea.
(top row, far left)
Jelly Belly doesn’t even fuck around here. They skipped all possible “kiddy pool” flavors (Kiddy Pool — urine and chlorine — would have been a great idea) and went straight to a flavor that I’m fairly certain not even die hard furries are going to enjoy and when speaking about a community that encompasses every possible fetish under the sun and then some, that’s saying a lot. A lot a lot.
Smell: It smells of rancid coffee. I’m already regretting this article. 1/10
Taste: I can’t even describe this, I am seriously trying to hold it down but I just dry heaved over the trash can several times. Steve-O from Jackass has done less humiliating things than this. -Furries/10
Aftertaste: If you want me to be honest with you I don’t even know I just started eating Licorice beans to make the pain go away. ???/10
(top row, second from left)
You know what’s funny? This is a loaded bean design. It doesn’t matter which flavor you get because I know Rotten Egg is meant to be bad, but so is Buttered Popcorn. You lose either way, so what’s the point of putting this recursive bean in your mouth? I don’t know, you tell me.
Smell: If I told you it smelled like “bad eggs” I’d just be reiterating the name of this bean, so instead I will just say “sulfur”. 2/10
Taste: They’ve gotten better at this since the last time I ate one of these. It tastes horrible. Why do they have to be so good at this? 0/10
Aftertaste: After recollecting myself and refraining from hovering over the trash can any longer the “smell” of plastic grocery bags weighed heavily on my tongue. 2/10
(not pictured, those are two Coconut beans)
Ear Wax, Cafe Latte, Coconut, and Baby Wipes all look the same to me. There are neither of the first two in this box. The gods of Internet comedy have shined their light down on me.
(top row, middle)
I find this bean the most personally offensive because it is disguised as a Juicy Pear which is a flavor of Jelly Belly that I can consume my weight in. I am fairly certain after this portion of the article I will have the equivalent of a Vietnam flashback whenever I see my (former) favorite flavor bean. I guess it is time I get a new one.
Smell: It smells suspiciously of some kind of overgrown weeds. Not “weeds” as in “420” but “weeds” as in “I probably should have sprayed Weed-B-Gone on those plants before they turned into tentacle rape monsters”. 5/10
Taste: It tastes exactly like the way it smells plus a copious helping of both sweet and salty. I think I know how it feels to be violated by a product of Japan now. 3/10
Aftertaste: It’s lingering aftertaste is iden-tacle (see what I did there?) to the above two scores, just minus the sweet. 2/10
(top row, far right)
Last time I did this article I believe this was called Soap but that flavor was so bland and overshadowed by the other monstrosities that I hardly remember it and since I don’t make it a habit to eat soap whenever I’m bored I don’t really know what to expect. Alternatively I can make a bunch of jokes about me being a potty mouth or something, but that’s not as funny. “Buttwipe” is a pretty funny word though.
Smell: It smells like baby powder and soap, you know, like a fucking baby. 7/10
Taste: This is honestly the first bean that is manageable for me that didn’t make me want to immediately empty my stomach and void my bowels. It’s kinda dry but not at all unpleasant. 6/10
Aftermath: I FEEL SO FRESH AND CLEAN, SUCK IT ORBIT GUM. 8/10
(bottom row, far left)
I write a lot. I also color a lot too, with expensive Prismacolors nonetheless! I know a lot about pencils and now that I have actually physically written the phrase “I know a lot about pencils” my life just seems so much more futile. Maybe by the time we are done with this article it will have spiraled down into my memoirs and ultimately my last will and testament.
Smell: I want to say it smells like wood shavings but it doesn’t. It just smells like burning waffles and I don’t know if that qualifies as “sheer terror” or not. I’m leaning towards “no”, though. 5/10
Taste: It tastes nothing like pencil shavings. I can’t quite put my finger on what the hell it is exactly, but it’s not bad… but not that great either. 5/10
Aftermath: After tasting kind of like a toothpick it just turns into a generic sweet taste. I dunno, I guess they were too busy testing Horse Testicles flavored beans that they forgot about this one. 5/10
(bottom row, second from left)
I don’t know about you but I fail to see how Toothpaste can be considered a bad flavor. It certainly is pretty strange, but after listing Skunk Spray and Rotten Egg on the box before it the appeal of Toothpaste just seems a little lacking I guess. I’m beginning to think that whoever wrote up the ideas for these flavors just wrote down things that he saw in the bathroom while he was doing his business. Then he did his business and wrote that down too.
Smell: I’m going to go out on a limb here and quote the virtually unknown Code: BS and scream “IT SMELLS LIKE TOOTHPASTE”. 8/10
Taste: Would it be below me to say that a very cool and refreshing hybrid of spearmint and peppermint is *gasp* good? How is this not a regular flavor? 10/10
Aftertaste: You know that awesome “cool” feeling you get when you breathe in after eating a mint? Yeah, it’s kinda like that. 10/10
(bottom row, middle)
The buck stops here. Not only does the buck stop here, it also…
- (if talking about a male deer) …craps itself until its intestines fall out, turns inside out, and forms a black hole. The universe subsequently dies.
- (it talking about an American dollar) …does exactly what the economy is doing right now: backflips off of a diving board made of George W. Bush’s cock into a pool of Dick Cheney’s slobber and shotgun pellets.
I don’t even have to eat this bean for me to tell you how indescribably painful it is. This entire article has been a cakewalk compared to this single bean. I sampled this bean when I wrote the Harry Potter article and back then it was so offensively colored it basically screamed “IT WOULD NOT BE IN YOUR BEST INTEREST TO EAT ME”. The Harry Potter beans were an experiment in camouflage. Animals usually don’t eat the extravagantly colored plants because those are usually poisonous; if you opened a box of Harry Potter beans and avoided all of the beans that were colored really strangely you would never run into anything gross. This is not the case this time because now Vomit is disguised as an innocent Peach bean.
Smell: I’ve seen things, man. Remember that thing I said about Vietnam flashbacks? I’m having one. It’s that same putrid smell that I sincerely wished I’d never ever run into again. 0/10
Taste: No more than two seconds in I was hit with that same literally vomit inducing taste that I so keenly remember. Previously on RFSHQ I commented that it had a “sweet” kick to it. There is nothing sweet this time around, it is gut-wrenchingly sour and has some kick of god knows what that makes your skin crawl. -Infinity/10
Aftertaste: Like disgusting old rotten spaghetti. I couldn’t take it, I started eating all of the Toothpaste beans I had laying around (there were a lot in the box) to get rid of it and not even that fully worked. -10/10
(bottom row, second from right)
You know, by this point I really do know it’s all downhill from here. “Bad cheese” doesn’t even have the same psychological impact as “vomit” does as a name, there is no contest here. It’s also worth mentioning that when this color bean isn’t pretending to taste like Taco Bell it’s Caramel Corn which by itself is another gross flavor. Jelly Belly doesn’t have very good luck with their popcorn related flavors which is probably because popcorn was never meant to be a fucking jelly bean.
Smell: I let down my guard and wasn’t expecting anything and instead the sharp jab of… something… burned my nostrils. It smells vaguely of the Booger formula. Cheese tentacle rape? Oh god, oh god it’s the Kraft Mac & Cheese dinosaur. HE’S COMING TO GET ME WITH HIS CHEESY APPENDAGES. 1/10
Taste: I’m pretty sure I have graduated from whatever school all of those young nubile Japanese girls go to. You know, the one where they all get violated. This isn’t good at all. It’s definitely not cheese flavored, I don’t even know what the hell this is… but it’s not cheese. Off-brand Cheetos taste closer to cheese than this. -5/10
Aftermath: I am fairly upset that I ate all of my Toothpaste beans all at once. If role playing games have taught me anything it’s that you gotta string those recovery items out and make them last a long long time. 0/10
(top row, second from right)
Black Pepper is the last bean of the article and also the last one that I have previously encountered. I was dumb enough to let Booger, Rotten Egg, and Vomit fool me a second time into thinking they hadn’t changed so I’m not falling for that again. Fooling me four times in the same article? Who do you think I am, George W. Bush? (Also two Bush jokes in one article? I have sank to even lower lows.)
Smell: This is really kind of unprecedented but it smells very similar to how I described it on RFSHQ all that time ago. I said something about “rubber sealant” and that’s what I’m getting here. It’s not bad, it just smells industrial. This is a robot jelly bean… I am having really bad deja vu… 4/10
Taste: It tastes more akin to some kind of potpourri than any kind of peppercorn that I have ever inadvertently eaten. It’s almost reminiscent of Christmas, and it’s almost December, ya know. 4/10
Aftertaste: The spicyness kind of sneaks up on you here, it waits until that Bath & Body Works flavor is out of your mouth and then kinda gets you; it’s not a bad surprise though. I’m hungry, who wants barbecue? 3/10
It’s scary how much these flavors have advanced since the last time I sampled some of them. I made a joke last time about wondering how they tested these flavors for accuracy and now I am even more worried about the sanity of the poor lost souls whose job it was to try these flavors. Last time I chalked it up to taking a shot in the dark and just hoping the end result was somewhere remotely close to what the box said the flavor was, but this time I really don’t know because they IMPROVED on vomit and I am at a loss for words because of that. I mean theoretically I think we all know how they could have tested that but that tiny sliver of my soul that has some flickering hope in humanity that says otherwise is being smothered by the other 99.99% of me that is imagining someone in a flavor laboratory wearing a lab coat with a popsicle stick in one hand, a spoon in the other, and a bowl of suspiciously disgusting liquid on the table in front of him.
I think I am going to go sit in the corner and cry now.