China is Out to Kill You

China is out to kill all of us, themselves, and every single animal on the planet. Face it, 2007 has shown that China’s cheap production lines have been churning out excessive amounts of toxic materials that people are unknowingly putting into their bodies. In this year alone we’ve had to ward off poisoned pet food, toys that contain lead, Aquadot toys that literally contain date rape drug compounds (Chris Hansen, wink wink), fake toothpaste, and as of late they are recycling used condoms into hair bands. Yeah, you heard me right. Rubbers, wrappers, whatever slang you call condoms, are being used in hair care products.

At some point you have to just wonder, are these accidents or is this some form of hilarious terrorism that people are letting go on because it is, in fact, fucking hilarious seeing what China produces next that poisons/kills something? With that said, take a second to think about the last time you went to an open air market or flea market. Did you ever come across a vendor who had literally just set down opened boxes of various $1 goods in a row and let people walk through them like giants in a Wal-Mart? Oh, you have? Then you had better take a second good look at what you’re buying. It might kill you.

I decided to do the world a favor and personally investigate these off-brand knock offs and imitations to find out the real dangers they pose to humans and animals alike. Please note that while this article is intended to be satire, the following warnings are more than likely true anyways.


AA Size Batteries
If the “brand name” of battery you are buying doesn’t make a damn bit of sense, you probably should not buy it. Sources warn that these cheap batteries are known for overheating or producing unpredictable complete cell discharge and of course the over-reported case of acid leakage. Take this into consideration the next time you click a button on your television remote control. It very well might burst into flames and consume your house and soul with the stench of burning flesh and Chinese slave labor.


Baby Pacifiers
These do not exist in China so parents and parents-to-be need not worry. If babies prove to be unruly in China, they serve them as General Tao Chicken.


Any kind of resistor, transistor, circuit breaker, or surge protector
It will do the complete opposite of its intended purpose. And then explode.


(Insert popular anime here) Trading Cards
They’re all fakes and you will be laughed at if you take them seriously. However you can use this to your advantage and buy them in the name of comedy and they are guaranteed to make you and your friends laugh or your money back. Trust me, it’s printed on the package in broken English.


Office/School Stationery
Remember in grade school when you didn’t bring a pencil how the teacher gave you that fucking atrocious Berol Eagle piece of shit pencil that was made of plastic and full of chalk or something in place of graphite? Yeah, that horrid thing that you could heat up and then bend into fantastic shapes and spell your name in cursive with or alternatively ruin any pencil sharpener you put it into. China somehow managed to get a hold of this formula and make it ten times worse. It is estimated that for one American cent you can produce about 28 million pencils like this in China. I forgot to mention instead of graphite China uses petrified dog and human feces. Enjoy that the next time you chew on your Chinese pencil.


Toy Laser Guns
These shoot real lasers. Just a heads up.


Inflatable Furniture
These don’t really pose a threat but it’s inconvenient and scary whenever they unexpectedly pop when you’re sitting on them.


Scotch Tape
Any kind of scotch tape product you buy is probably flammable and is made of the same stuff that goes into those sticky rat traps. However, that is not the thing you should worry about. The “tape” is actually a preserved tapeworm from one of the sweatshop workers with fly paper adhesive slathered on one side. Ever wondered why it rips into perfect squares every time?


Hand Tools
Most Chinese hand tools (more notably the hammer) are actually manufactured by the same plants that create novelty joke products. Because of this, you’re probably buying a prank hammer that will turn to dust when you hit a nail, or a screwdriver with a plastic handle that will shatter and drive the metal rod through your hand. Haha, joke’s on you!


Various Dragon Figurines
These are actually pretty awesome so you can buy these all you want. Who doesn’t want a dragon sitting on a light-up fiber optics ball?


Airsoft Guns
Unlike the laser gun toys mentioned above, these are harmless to things and people you shoot at. The real danger herein lies in the fact when you pull the trigger on the gun the plastic will shatter causing fragments of great deals and savings to become lodged in your eyes and blind you. For added comedy effect they usually make dumb sounds.


Standard Light Bulbs
There are no real dangers with these, they just burn out the second you turn them on. They make great gag gifts for friends or serious gifts to people you really hate.


Laser Pointers
These only become dangerous when you point them at police officers.


Padlocks/Combination Locks
Anybody who thinks using these will protect them from break-ins and theft actually deserves to have their other cheap Chinese things stolen from them. All $0.45 of it.


Throw Blankets
Remember back when the American settlers gave those Indians the blankets that were infected with smallpox and other diseases? Yeah, those had to come from somewhere…


Model Planes/Cars
The fumes from one drop of the provided glue are enough to kill a horse, elephant, and probably an entire solar system.


Automotive Air Fresheners
I am not 100% sure as to the “danger quotient” of these items, but I do know one thing. They all smell the same. “Pine fresh”, “spring breeze”, it’s all the same shit, and by same shit I mean the same shit they make pencils out of.


Stuffed Animals
No really, they literally are stuffed animals. They got the words translated right, but not the definition.


Remote Controlled Toys
Given the fact that you are probably powering them with the aforementioned batteries of death, playing with these toys effectively marks you as a domestic terrorist. Not only this, a grand total of zero Chinese R/C cars are listed in compliance with the FCC. The remote you’re using is probably running off of some random airline frequency and is interfering with a plane overhead. Congratulations you just killed a few hundred people (and your car blew up).


Baseball Caps
You’re now under their control.


Ahahaha dumbass.

– Dracophile