The Nutrisystem Challenge Part 3

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its republication.]

In two previous updates I put myself through the horror that was modern-day “weight loss” food. As I mentioned earlier this “food” is disgusting and likely meant to make you not eat altogether. If this were the only thing in my pantry I’d starve to death. I’d eat my left hand before I’d eat some of this crap. Anyways, on with the show.


“White Cheddar Soy Chips”

Going back to reality, these white cheddar chips look significantly more bland than their nacho counterparts, and less in-your-face than the Cheetos knock-offs from the last article. They almost look like they’re fuzzy from the picture on the front, which I’m hoping is just because they can’t afford a decent printer. Once again, we’re dealing with soy here so these probably aren’t even “chips” to begin with.

You know that weird taste the air has in rooms that are full of paper? Take that and add the flavor of plain Ramen noodles and you are in the same ballpark as these chips. They have roughly the texture of packing peanuts and the cheese flavor appears to be distributed very poorly as a few of them are almost sour compared to the blank ones also in the bag. Several of the chips have strange brown discolorations on them. Very nasty stuff. I guess if you were desperate for food, then maybe. Otherwise these things are pretty gross.

Rating: 2/10


“Shredded Wheat Cereal”

Looks like we have a generic wannabe of Shredded Mini Wheats, the kind of frosted descent of course. I believe this is the same size as the little freebies of cereal they give you at hotels for their complimentary breakfasts they have (unless you stay at places that start with “Econo”, in which case you’re shit out of luck). This certainly isn’t any kind of “breakfast” like it claims on the lid because I can eat about five of these things and still want more.

You’ve got to be shitting me. I think I can count on both of my hands the number of “wheats” that are in here. They closely resemble Wheat Chex, only with some kind of powdered sugar on them. They’re a bit chewy like Wheat Chex as well, but not in a nasty way. Almost tastes like Life cereal, or Wheaties or something to that extent. At first taste, the sugar on top tastes like metal or something else equally offensive but that goes away rather quickly. To be honest, these are not that bad at all! If they came packed in more than 3 pieces of cereal a whack, I’d eat ’em for breakfast. *eats a handful*

Rating: 10/10


“Chocolate Shake”

I don’t know a whole lot about shakes and malts but last time I checked I believe shakes are made with milk or some other dairy product. Apparently in the Nutrisystem Nourish diet milk is the spawn of Satan unless of course it’s the Mini Wheats, because in that case milk is allowed. Come on people, this isn’t the Great Depression, we don’t need to eat our cereal with water anymore. However, in this case you need water to make this, eight ounces in fact so pictured next to the packet is eight ounces of water in a convenient bottle.

I carefully opened the bag of shake mix and it smelled pleasantly like cake mix. Smelled great, in other words. I didn’t realize how much power was in here, and upon dumping it into the bottle, there was very little room for it to be shaken up and dissolved. Look at the picture above, that entire empty space in the bottle was full of shake mix.

This is the monstrosity that was spawned from the nice smelling cake mix stuff. I took this picture with an exposed light bulb behind it to show you that this concoction is not see through by any means. It’s solid brown murk. Tilting the bottle around shows that it’s thick and chunky, like there wasn’t enough water to dissolve all of the powder. I took the cap off of the bottle expecting to be assaulted with a horrible smell. Instead, it still smells like chocolate cake. The fact remains that it’s still thick and looks like some kind of sludge.

Upon taking a drink I made the horrible discovery that all of the unseen and undissolved powder floated to the surface and gave the drink a glazed-over kind of look. It wasn’t so much the taste that got to me; because it tasted like cake mix and pudding… it was the texture. It felt like someone had spit into my mouth; it was a mix of liquid and partial solids. I’m not sure if this is a sign of it trying to keep the creamy texture of a shake or not, but chocolate flavored water would have been a much better investment than trying to make a shake. This is disgusting.

Rating: 1/10 (One point for smelling nice.)

That’s all the time we have for Nutrisystem on RFSHQ, I hope you had a great time laughing at my shortcomings… and if you’d like some more Nutrisystem here’s a cool new bonus feature to the article: Click here to see the disposal of the chocolate murk.

– Dracopile