Energizing Energy Drinks Part 1
[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]
Energy drinks are big business nowadays. It appears that mankind can’t function one day without a citrus kick in the gonads to get a running start for the day, everyday. Where I go, I see energy drink vending machines next to the soda dispensers, for twice the price of course. Since this really is a million-dollar market, there are a lot of copycats in the mix trying to make a quick buck.
Do these wannabes really have what it takes to call themselves “energy drinks”? Recently I bought nine different brands of drinks with the intent to give each of them a test drive on the Energy-O-Meter (trademark pending). Each of the nine beverages will be judged on five different criteria. Appearance, Ingredients, Smell, Taste, and the Energy I feel like I received from trying the drink. Over the course of three articles we will be trying all nine drinks, so for those of you who aren’t too sharp in math, that’s three drinks per article, adding up to nine. Joining me in my journey this time is RFSHQ forum user FpS ref1ex.
Appearance: Everlast Nutrition comes in a 16oz can that looks like it escaped from a hardware store. Yellow and black, just like caution tape, which I’m hoping isn’t a serious warning. It almost looks like a battery, like a Duracell battery, and if I could power my car with this beast I would. It’s also “sugar free”, so it has to be dentist approved as well.
Ingredients: This drink, obviously, does not have sugar. So this defies “energy” since sugar makes most kids turn into atomic bombs. From what the can says, this isn’t just citrus flavored, it’s a blast of citrus flavor. But “blast” is not capitalized, so maybe it’s like, a “punch” of citrus… or maybe a “pat on the back” of citrus. The can has a warning that this 16oz can has as much caffeine as a cup of coffee… if coffee was served in 16oz cans I guess.
Smell: The second I opened this, it smelled like the grapefruit cart at Wal-Mart blew up at my desk. There is not really an offensive odor or any kind of terrible smell coming from the can, unless you really fucking hate grapefruit, in which case this drink will flip-kick your ass.
Taste: First off, you can taste the “not sugar” because it has that aftertaste hint of Diet Coke. It tastes like a cross between pure lemon juice, and pure lemon juice with a little bit of grapefruit, and then I guess pure lemon juice with Diet Coke. They really should have capitalized “blast” in the title since the first drink performed a Mexican hat dance on my tongue. If they didn’t want to capitalize “blast” and instead leave it lowercase they should have at least said something like “citrus hurricane katrina”.
Energy Received: The can says “quick reaction”, but upon finishing over half the can, I have yet to feel any kind of kick. I mean, I feel awake, but not awake as in “I’m going to run to Mexico” awake. Just the regular “I still probably won’t finish this article when I want to” awake.
FpS reflex’s Verdict: It’s more of a pineapple with oranges smell to it. It smells pretty good, like an air freshener but not one of those cheap ass car ones, like a limousine air freshener. It tastes like a saltine cracker soaked in orange juice.
Appearance: The name of the drink is in Spanish, and if Spanish candy has taught me anything, it’s that chili and salt are the equivalent of sugar. On a worse note, this drink is comprised of both tomatoes and clams. They may as well just combine pencil shavings and dog shit and call that a drink. The can tries its best to look “in your face” and up to date but it fails, unless of course this in regards to all the other weird Spanish drinks.
Ingredients: Tomatoes. Clams. Lime. Dear god.
Smell: The second the can depressurized, I was discouraged from continuing this article. The drink smells of ravioli sauce and black pepper and some other incredibly offensive ingredient which I can only guess is the clam; it kind of smells like a plate of shit that would be passed off as “food” in a very fancy restaurant. You know, the kind of meal that smells like a wet fart, but has about 18 pounds of mint on top to cover up the fact that it smells like a wet fart. The problem is that this doesn’t have 18 pounds of mint to go with it.
Taste: I took one sip of this drink and threw up a bit in my mouth. It tastes like a cheap store brand alphabet soup with a load of pepper and if someone took a piss in it. By the time I finished that sentence, the horrible aftertaste kicked in, which tasted like the way a public bathroom smells. I couldn’t manage a second drink at all, and I hope that no one else has to put themselves through this horrible episode. Ever.
Energy Received: Enough energy to get up and run to the bathroom to dry heave a few times.
Rating: FUCK YOU MEXICO.
FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: No.
Appearance: This has to be the official drink of the United States Army. In fact, you could lose this can if you went out in the woods because this thing would blend right in. This drink must be rugged since its camo-paint job implies that this is the manly outdoorsman’s drink. It’s got an extra tall can for maximum, uh, not dropping it I suppose. This can also boasts that it will “invigorate” me, and other big words that I don’t quite understand that well. One thing I do understand is “sugar free”.
Ingredients: Right off the bat this can tells you that it has “extreme” caffeine in it. Extreme, like the 1990’s forgot about this drink because since then everything is extreme. It’s also coffee and cola flavored so that’s a double whammy of drinks that keep you up all night, all in one can. So we’re looking at a drink right now that’s made for the office secretary that is also a hardcore gamer at night.
Smell: You know how when you go into Wal-Mart to buy a 12-pack of Coke, how there’s always that one pack that the ADHD Mexican kid ripped apart and break danced on? Take that kid and his soda into the freshly grown coffee bean aisle, and have him go insane there. It smells like coffee from far away, but up close it’s really a can of Coke in disguise.
Taste: Take that Mexican kid’s Coke away and replace it with Diet Coke, because this has the same weird aftertaste. The coffee part doesn’t stand out as much as the can made it sound like, so it’s like Diet Coke with those Cappuccino Jelly Belly candies floating around in there.
Energy Received: I wish I could say that I feel like cutting down a tree with an axe, or shooting up terrorists… or shooting up terrorists while cutting down a tree, but this drink just doesn’t do it for me.
FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: It smells like very strong coffee grounds but sounds like it has the fizz of a soda. I hate coffee so I’m not taking a drink.
Out of these three, the Everlast one would be the most beneficial to anyone looking for a quick energy fix. If you’re looking to lose the pounds you gained while eating dinner go for the Clamato; and if you want to look like a real American hero in front of your buddies at the hunting lease, take a 6-pack of Recon with you.
I don’t think I quite understand or comprehend the danger I have just subjected myself to, but we will find out in good time with the next two articles. Stay tuned.
– Dracophile and FpS ref1ex