MySpace: The Bane of Web Design

“Forget the digits, just get the three dubs” is what DJ Runaway and the “Kings Of MySpace” have to say regarding the “new age” of hooking up with girls. You can skip sounding like a complete nervous wreck on her answering machine and instead send her wonderful stalker-esque emails; but really, if I was a girl, I’d be more willing to put out for a guy who personally calls me, even if every other word is “uh”, rather than some loser I met at a party who abbreviates every single word (including abbreviations) he sends me.

But seriously though, have you ever bothered to look at the “average” MySpace account? Your average female MySpace addict has a background that consists of a bright pink animated heart GIF about 800 kilobytes in size and tiled. If that wasn’t bad enough, the info boxes on her page are bright green with a black border and yellow size 72 Comic Sans MS font with 12 point font spacing. In laymen’s terms: im-fucking-possible to read, even if you tried. On top of that, all of “~*~*~*sExYgUrL6969*~*~*~”‘s friends like posting image comments that are beyond desktop sized images. I really think posting forty-eight 8000 x 5000 images from the homecoming party is an excellent idea.

The fun doesn’t end there though, because this cheerleader is a complete fan of Aaron Carter, so not only is one of his ear piercing songs embedded into the HTML of the page, the MySpace music player is also playing a song, and wouldn’t you know she also has about 20 YouTube music videos that are all playing at the same time. Thanks a fucking lot, you froze my computer and probably gave it severe mental trauma in the process. How someone on AOL’s crappy dialup can even view your MySpace page is beyond all comprehensible logic. There are holes cut in the space-time continuum made special for you and your top 8 friends (and the other 56,328,450 you don’t care about) to view your wonderful train wreck of a profile.

When the Internet was first born, the “scum” of the Internet was the abundant mess of GeoCities and Homestead Pokemon fansites made by 10 year olds. You know what I’m talking about; those sites with the bright blue backgrounds and the unbearably large and off center logo with the bright yellow text on the page, to imitate the Pokemon font. Don’t tell me you don’t remember those sites, because we all had one whether you admit to it or not. Your “favorite” images and Gameshark cheat codes were just thrown all over the page and you had that incredibly optimistic 8 digit web counter that never made it above 100.

Nobody would have guessed that the target demographic of shitty websites would have moved from 10 year old anime fans to high school cheerleaders. You’d think at age 16 you’d be able to understand that your MySpace looks like 1996 took a baseball bat to it. That scares me that someone who doesn’t realize that their MySpace could be considered a form of cyber-terrorism is allowed to drive on the same road as I do. Someone who doesn’t realize that having to scroll in twenty different directions just to view one image could very well be someone taking my order the next time I eat at a restaurant.

And god damn it, if I order that hamburger and it comes out looking like a complete mess, like your MySpace, I am going to get your “three dubs” and shove them up your ass.

– Dracophile