Machines of Death

RFSHQ is known to not necessarily be a big supporter of PeTA. A few of us enjoy making fun of them just because of the hypocrisy that eminates from them on so many levels. However they are right on one thing: mankind has some fucking wicked awesome killing machines. Rather than take a cow out back and putting a bullet in its head we’ve spent millions inventing elaborate and huge user friendly contraptions that essentially do the work for us. Convenience has finally made a showing in food processing, big deal!

Hell, we’ve automated pacemakers, fire emergency sprinklers, and with shows like Lost— everyones’ Friday night. Why not automate a slaughterhouse? And what better to do that with than to make a three ton brick of steel soon to be covered in the blood of a thousand cows at the end of the day? Ever since that lucky caveman’s tree got blasted by lightning, we’ve been really rolling in the inventions. Seriously, take a look at them all. We’ve got the steamboat, cotton gin, television/radio, internal combustion engines, electric appliances, and massive metal objects covered in more saw blades than the factories that manufactured them.

I’ve seen some of these machines too; that’s the reason why people watch slaughterhouse videos in the first place and that’s the reason why they have what’s called “shock value”. If PeTA released 25 minutes of some farmer popping caps in cows out in the pasture I don’t think people would care the least bit but PeTA’s got videos of a gigantic metal chamber that turns the cows upside-fucking-down and gouges their necks. Turning them upside-down is completely irrelevant to the process, but you know what, it’s damn cool and the people who developed it knew way ahead of time activitsts were going to complain about it. Someone’s a genius here!

Let’s take a look at some of the stuff seen in the “animal testing” videos, besides the guy dressed in a bunny suit they always use. These videos highlight “scientists” poking and prodding various animals to see what happens. You know what, I bet 30 years ago those same men’s hobby was torching ants with a magnifying glass; this is merely an advanced, albeit perverse, version of a childhood hobby. I mean, sure, I don’t really see the point in bolting an I/O port onto a cat’s head but let me ask you this: why not? I mean hell, iKitty could be the next Robosapien, and with iTunes compatibility, that idea is a goldmine waiting to happen.

Another contraption shown in the testing videos is used to see the breaking point of animal necks. You want to know what this is? It’s a freaking pneumatic brick of steel that snaps from zero degrees to 90 in one frame of camera film. That fast. What purpose is this? None! But you know how exponentially cool that thing is? I’d buy one just to have it, you could start some interesting conversations with it. “Yeah see that 400 pound mass of metal over there? Yeah check this out.” Press the fire button and I guarantee your buddy is going to crap his pants and buy one for himself. You could open drinks with that, or finally figure out if you can break Tupperware or something.

Point is, yes maybe Man has gone a little over the top with these contraptions, but let me ask you this. Do you really need that alarm clock to wake you up in the morning? Do you really need that car to take you to work or school? Do you really that retarded self-checkout lane at Wal-Mart? Did Pee-Wee really need that Rube Goldberg device to make him his breakfast? The answer is no, but it helps doesn’t it? So does mankind need that three ton machine that flips cows upside-down? No… but it helps, doesn’t it?

– Dracophile