Harriet Carter Grab Bag #1
Recently I was sent a link to an online catalog of… “shit”, for the sake of easiness and logic. It’s called Harriet Carter, and it’s essentially a repository of everything that’s “As Seen On TV”, only exponentially more shittier idea-wise and quality-wise. Some of the items in this catalog will be beyond human comprehension and made for uses you and I would never even think of. Do you need a really elaborate ten thousand piece candy crane to clean your gutter? Do you want one for $50? Harriet Carter’s your place then. Today we will be looking at the various failures on the site. This will no doubt be a huge project…
You’ll never have to buy poison traps or mouse traps ever again! Do you know why, exactly? Well, that’s because this magic little box of sheer pain will emit a noise so high pitched that prolonged exposure to it will probably give you brain tumors. Spiders and roaches seem to have a bit more intelligence than you do if they leave your house yet you stay behind living with this machine on. What’s the quality rating of this item? They spelled CONTROL wrong on the product. There’s your answer.
Oh ho, this is great! It’s a phone, but at the same time you can indefinitely piss everyone off that calls you by pressing buttons that play sound effects! It’s a grand idea! You can press the fart button every time a telemarketer or some jackass you don’t feel like talking to calls! It sounds like a killer deal, but then you have to remember these telephones are a novelty gift, so even though they might function and work fine for 4 days, you don’t know how educated that Asian kid was who assembled it. You might get a call from your boss asking you to come in Sunday so you decide to press the crap button. Next thing you know your entire block is leveled and the fire department is pulling your charred remains out of the kitchen.
Now your kid can be the coolest in class with his very own laptop! And by “coolest kid” I mean an embarrassed loser who has a computer that is missing a tennis ball sized chunk from the monitor portion. The laptop has an array of games that involve mashing random keys on the keyboard to get it to beep the right way. My money says half the buttons on this thing don’t so shit either, and that mouse has no ball in it or anything to classify it as “mouse” instead of “useless piece of plastic with extra buttons”. I wouldn’t trust any laptop that runs off of 3 AA batteries anyways. Hell, mine runs off of a Li-Ion battery and lasts only 2 hours.
Poker is all the rage these days I guess. Unfortunately, I think it’s called “Texas Hold ‘Em” nowadays and since I live in Texas people usually ask me if I know how to play Texas Hold ‘Em. What they don’t know is my version of Texas Hold ‘Em involves a basement, rope, duct tape, and a baseball bat (I call it “Texas Hold ‘Em For Ransom”). This “calculator” looks just like a real calculator that was just built wrong and they slapped some extra buttons on it in place of the function keys. Of course, this obnoxiously colored piece of shit would definitely not draw attention to you in any form of real game, would it?
No fancy advertising name here, but when you read the description they are special “noise reduction” headphones. The problem here is that all headphones do that when you’re actually playing something through it. However, this bitch thinks that these special ones are worth over $50. If I am spending $50 on fucking headphones they had better cook my breakfast, do my homework, drive my car for me, clean my room, and wake me up before they go go so I’m not hanging on the line of a yo yo. Nope. All they do is just offer “clarity” and “noise reduction”. Clearly this is a superb deal.
Oh yes, this will most definitely protect your home from intruders. In fact, I think it does. If I were a robber and I broke into your house and found this piece of shit I would declare you too cheap of a person to even steal from. I’d shut your alarm off by punching it dead on and leaving the property. Why they even bother to put a numeric keypad on this is beyond anything I could imagine. It should just have a switch for “ON” and “OFF” because you may as well walk into Iraq wearing a bullet proof vest made from paper. If you really think you are safe with this crap, because real security is too expensive, then you deserve to have your house broken into.
Join us next time when we visit more shitty products from the realm of Haaaaaaariet Carrrrrrrterrrrrrr!!!