Great Tasting Gel
For the longest time my sponsor of impeccable dental care (according to my dentist after he stabs me about twenty times in the mouth with a hook) has been Aim Toothpaste. Aim tastes kind of pleasant, unlike the searing pain of most peppermint shit that is on the market. I was curious as to what this flavor actually was, so I looked on the tube. Nothing.
No biggie, I thought. I grabbed the box it came in out of the trash. Nothing. But where it usually says “Ass-Rammingly Hot Peppermint” or “Holy Shit That’s Cold Spearmint” it said “Great Tasting Gel”. That’s a universal description of something. That’s like Jelly Belly renaming the pear flavored beans “Great Tasting Jelly Beans”. This raised my concern because I don’t know what the hell this is made of. I flipped the tube of toothpaste over to read the ingredients. One of the ingredients listed was “flavor”. This is about as helpful as bottled water having “water” listed in its ingredients. Yes, we know there is flavor but what the hell gives it that? It certainly is not Blue 7 and Yellow 42.
Water is nothing hard to think about though. Water is water, end of story. Toothpaste is a number of weird chemical things that foam in your mouth. If the company is gonna be that vague with information… what if it’s not good for you? What if “flavor” is really something icky like “smushed up worms and dog poop” or “ground up government documents and that blue shit inside Magic 8 Balls”?
To be scientific, I decided to seriously taste the toothpaste and risk it my life doing so with the unknown ingredient flavor, now known as Ingredient X. I ate about half the tube and I still couldn’t put my finger on the components of Ingredient X. I then scrambled to the Internet embodiment of Ken Jennings, known as Wikipedia. If anyone knew, Wikipedia would know. They know everything (except good taste in Internet comedy).
I learned that kids like the taste of Aim, and that Aim is priced a lot cheaper than everything else. It must be really cheap to produce since Ingredient X is in abundance, and it is something kids like. Putting this in perspective and taking into consideration the facts I have, the only thing that is in a huge abundance and that kids like… is Ingredient X.
Ingredient X is ground up Pokemon.