Deep Thoughts with Steel Pinata

[Editor’s Note: Steel Pinata recounts his attempts at submitting snarky answers to test questions in high school.]

Assignment: Essay prompt for the book “1984”.

Winston has a lame life and so far, I really couldn’t care less for him. He needs some Prozac or something to make him feel better. Perhaps, if he wrote about the joys of lemons and why they are called lemons, then maybe he wouldn’t be so depressed all the time. Maybe his mother didn’t hug him enough so he feels lonely. That’s why I have a pet lemon. He always keeps me company and the best part is, you don’t have to clean up after them or even feed them! They’re the most perfect little buddies you could ever have. Why, even Big Brother has one and look how happy he is, and that is why God hates us. I mean look at how happy Winston was after he got his lemon and a bullet in his head. Now he is never sad.

Grade: 42


Assignment: “The best person to represent humanity.”

I think that the best person to represent humanity would be George W Bush. He is smart because he is already in the fourth grade. Oh, and he can also color in the lines in a coloring book. That’s about it.

Grade: N/A


Assignment: “What is your favorite color and why.”

My favorite color is blue. Recently I’ve wondered “Why is blue called blue?” Why not azul or that color you get when you mix those two other colors just to make this particular color? There are so many colors and so many shades of blue like Baby Blue and Indigo Blue. I wonder who thought to call them that. It must have been a person with a lot of free time on their hands. Maybe they just wanted to paint a picture of dirt and they realized that their baby was eating blue paint and thought “Hey I should call that color you get when you mix those two other particular colors just to make this particular color blue… I mean baby blue!”. And then they didn’t make any money because Crayola stole the color and put it in a crayon.

Assignment Grade: N/A

– Steel Pinata