REVIEW: GramesHos (Atari 2600)

I first saw this game at a flea market on a shelf with a whole bunch of other boxes of games and assorted junk not organized. This is one of the few games I don’t have in my collection and I have been wanting it since its mysterious appearance in late 2004. The story behind the game is pretty strange, as it came out of nowhere and appeared at E3 where a few hot models were handing out and demonstrating copies of it. This game uses the rare “double jug” controller which looks like a set of breasts. One acts like a paddle wheel, the other, the button. Quite comical and makes a nice conversation piece if I do say so myself.

I plug this game in and I am greeted by a very Legoish woman who beeped and said some incomprehensible combinations of computer farts and buzzes and a menu popped up with cheesy digitized porno music playing in the background. I used the boobie controllers to give each game on the cart a test drive. The cartridge had four games on it, each with varying difficulties depending on your game choice.

The first game on the list is called “Spank Me Harder” and is a very intriguing game that makes use of the special controller in a very odd way. It plays a lot like Donkey Konga and Dance Dance Revolution in the fact that you have to slap the pair of… btatas… to the beat of the music playing in the game. The music will change depending on the chosen skill level. Whilst you slap away an assortment of pixels which I think is supposed to be a pole dancer does a show for you, complete with digitized dollar bills in her crack. This was a very fun game with few errors. My only complaint is the reason why the publisher, Vivid Video, decided to make the girls’ skin blue, green, and yellow. I think they were fans of the cartoon Doug.

Second on the list of games we have “For A Dollar More”. This game uses up all of the cart’s RAM and runs a bit slow. It is almost like an RPG. You start out as a regular goer to this nightclub called Grames ‘N’ Dames and you get a routine lap dance and nothing more. However, the stripper tells you “For a dollar more… I’ll go further… *wink*”. So now the game puts you out on the streets to find as much money as possible in five minutes. The more money you get, the more risque your reward will be. You find change and bills all over the city in this side scrolling action mode. You can punch, so you need to fight off stray cats and bums. You can also punch trash cans and other things like mail boxes and bushes to find bonuses.

You go back to Grames ‘N’ Dames and hand over the dough and then the stripper does her thing. It’s all blocky, but you can fill in the blanks on your own. I managed to rack up $14.59 by punching hobos over and over again, and my reward was some swell Lego boobies and a nice booty shakin. This game is very addictive and has a very high appeal rating. This is by far the best out of the 4 games. The difficulty varies in different ways. Depending on what mode you pick, there will be different rewards, less money, more enemies, and less health.

“Fight The Pimp” is a pretty basic game. It starts off in stages. Stage 1 plays a lot like Boxing by Activision; you have to beat him down and punch him over and over again. You both have health bars and special moves. Watch out for the Pimp’s “Bling Bling Thing” which is when he spins around and swings his gold chains, they do crazy damage. When he stops, you have to come in quick with a left and a right, and then do your Pimp Capper move and uppercut him. Then we move to Stage 2 which is a lot like Bump & Jump. You and The Pimp are racing down a long road, and you have to get him to crash. This is tricky, because he’s quick and will get away from you pretty fast.

If you can manage to nail him in the back half of his car, he will spin out easier and wreck into a tree. Finally, we have the final stage of it, Stage 3, which plays similar to Outlaw. You are on one side, The Pimp on the other. His wrecked pink Cadillac is in the center, and you two shoot at each other. 3 hits for the both of you, so be careful. With each hit, the Pimp will move faster. When you win, the Grames Hos will put on a special show for you.

The last game is pretty funny to play. It is named “Find The Hotel Room Key”. You start out in a hotel lobby and the receptionist tells you that there are beautiful women waiting for you in some of the rooms. There are monsters in the other. After this, the game switched to a screen like Elevator Action and Sword Quest. You find items like keys and maps, and riddles. You also need to remember what rooms have monsters, because, if you walk in on one, you die. It helps to use paper and make a map of the rooms, and using the riddles, mark out the ones you are for sure have monsters. Some rooms will have items too, so look out for those.

Overall, I had a lot of fun playing GramesHos. It’s a very different game, and I am glad I found it at that booth for 5 dollars. I highly reccommend you try it if you can find it. You also need to experience it with the Boob-Trollers that come packed with it if you can find them as well. They make the game a whole lot more fun to play, and plus you can wear them around and feel pretty.

– Dracophile