Mega Man Robot Masters


I’ll admit, Mega Man is a truly awesome game. It’s one of my all-time favorites. By now you are already saying something like, “But why? If you like it so much why are you attacking it?!” Either that or you are sitting there posting this on RFSHQ, “ZOMG WTF DRACO SUX HE IS REAVEWING MEGA MAN!!!1” Let me say this right quick. I’m not attacking the game itself. It’s the Robot “Masters” who couldn’t master a damn bowl of Jell-O. What better place to start than the original 6 that started it all


As you can clearly see above, there are six total “_____MEN” that want to kick your ass and/or see Mega Man turn into a bunch of little balls and make that weird “pew pew pew” noise.

Capcom got the idea for Cutman by watching Edward Scissorhands while high. The result was putting a hedgetrimmer on a Power Ranger’s head and being able to have him throw it at you by doing the Macarena. This idea was put into the game after one staffer reenacted The Battle Of Bunker Hill and stabbed a pair of scissors into the head of the guy next to him. He was stoned so he didn’t notice, but the brain damage made him get up and do the Macarena.

This is not a typo. Its not ELECT-MAN, it is Elecman. Electman would be something like a robot that shoots voting forms at you. Soon after making Cutman, one of the Capcom staff felt compelled to see if you could get a balloon to stick to your hair by putting your finger in a plug outlet. The result cost Capcom 1 employee, but it also gave them a grand idea. They should put other things in the outlets and see what happens.

Somehow I think Gutsman is really a dumbed down Hulk Hogan. In all honesty though, Capcom made this guy as a joke referring to the retired sumo wrestler that was currently on Capcom programming staff. Only, in stead of 500 pounds of flapping ass everywhere, they made it muscle. So he can pick up stuff and throw it. If Gutsman threw other things besides square blocks maybe it would be more fun. Like throwing cars. Or poodles. Or poodles in cars.

Iceman is a disgruntled Eskimo. That’s all there is to say. He’s not even a robot, just some dude who lives in Alaska that Mega Man fucking hates. Iceman likes to chill out (pun not intended but pointed out) and watch football and play with dominoes, and Mega Man just fucks with him for no reason. Since he lives in the ice, he can breathe icy breath. That’s it. Mega Man subsequently pops a few caps in his ass and calls it a day.

I was very disappointed when I saw that Fireman was not a real fireman. I was hoping to battle a guy dressed in an impermeable yellow jumpsuit that shot out 300 gallons of water per second at Mega Man. Instead I get this dumbass who lit his head on fire.

Capcom’s final robot Master is not based off Bomberman, another really cool game. The idea for this guy came when Capcom’s staff just got done making Elecman and someone on staff who was not all there thought he was in Vietnam under American fire. He ended up hiding behind the fake office plants with a grenade which he threw at the staff. Then they made Bombman and said 6 was enough. Afterwards they all went down to 7-11 for Doritos.

– Dracophile