REVIEW: Deadly Towers (NES)
Hack & Slash
Calling this little nugget of joy a game is like calling Michael Jackson a good babysitter. It just doesn’t go together, like tuna and mustard, it’s gross, ugly, and the cops will be involved. Similarly, so is Deadly Towers. The only way to truly appreciate this game is if you did indeed call Michael Jackson to come watch your kids while you made a tuna and mustard sandwich to eat while you played this game. Only then will you understand the mismatched pain that is Deadly Towers for the NES.
I have yet to see the reason behind naming this game “Deadly Towers”. There isn’t really anything life-threatening besides the fact that your character shoots swords from his penis. Yes, you heard me. Your player shoots swords from his penis.
The developer, Broderbund Software, is more famous for its painting program Kid Pix Studio, which actually kicks ass. Deadly Towers is on the opposite end of the spectrum. There is nothing worth dubbing “ass-kicking-material” in the game. I’ve actually wondered if Broderbund Software stole one of the 52 games from Action 52 and simply built off of it. Be prepared to fight off campfires with your sword launching penis! This is your only defense against the evils of Deadly Towers! Your character has 100 hit points, and each time those fires hit you it will cost you about half of your life each time. Another downfall is your genital weaponry has a very low accuracy rate, and a slow shooting rate. Prepare to die.
I’ve been looking at this screenshot for a while. I wasn’t staring at the penile launching device, I was looking at that out of place window above the fire, then I noticed the goofy ass faces next to them. I would really like to know why they are there, it makes the castle look like some carnival fun house (3 tickets to get in). This whole game is one big fun house I suppose.
These are about the best-drawn enemies in the whole game. I’m not just pointing them out because they are dragons (yes I am). Nonetheless, they are still the best looking enemies in the whole game. Some other monsters you will fight (in assorted flavors and colors) include: Scorpions! Campfires Of Doom! Bats! Beach Balls! Worms! More Beach Balls! Snakes! Sparkly Thangs! Judge Judy! I lied on that last one. So sue me, oh wait, that’s her job. Never mind.
Apparently, there are satanic worshiping rooms scattered throughout the “deadly towers”. This one already comes set up with a lit candle. All you have to do is chant the hexes from the Hex Manual* about the people you hate and voila! Hex-O-Matic!
WARNING: Broderbund Software is not responsible for any crimes (misdemeanors or felonies) you may commit while using our built-in satanic curse function. Use at your own risk. Batteries not included. Not meant for children under the age of 3, people with heart problems, one eye-brow, colon cancer, people named Bob, or nonpregnant females. If you are nonpregnant, using the Hex-O-Matic can possibly inpregnate you with the Son of Satan. Please use responsibly and have a designated driver.
The defining moment for my trial run of this game would be shutting it off. It felt so good inside, like I had beaten the game when actually I only shut it off. It doesn’t matter, at least I instantly beat all the monsters by shutting it off, so really I did win.
I give them one point for the dragons, but even they don’t look that great. All the other enemies look like they were rendered in their Kid Pix Studio software. You know what, the enemies are probably those little premade images you can use as stampers in Kid Pix. As for the environment, well, I’ve seen prettier after staring into those bright lights at the eye doctor’s office.
I hope you enjoy listening to music that vaguely sounds of Lord Of the Rings and recycled Legend Of Zelda sound effects. Knowing Broderbund, they are probably recycled from Kid Pix. Or even worse, from Deadly Towers‘ prequel… “Crap Towers”.
When all you can do is move and launch swords from your netheregions, there aren’t many complex controller moves to figure out. The only thing you could do is try it out with the Power Pad or something, maybe you could perform flips on the power pad to make your character follow suit and explode.
Viagra Sponsorship: $10,000
Simply for advertising their pills, Viagra gave a ten thousand dollar grant to Broderbund Software for this game. Don’t beleive me? Put the pieces together for yourself then:
- Sword-shooting penis
- Blue coins that looks like boner pills
- Rugged terrain is shown with upside-down V’s