REVIEW: The Adventures of Bayou Billy (NES)

Adventures Of Bayou Billy, The


Side Scrolling FPS/Beat ‘Em Up



When I first came across this game I was expecting some kind of southern-Louisiana gator hunting simulator or something along the lines of that. Instead, I get to play a game featuring a guy that resembles The Crocodile Hunter who runs around beating up on random guys in the swamp that appear from nowhere.

The game’s first mode of play is to get the Crocodile Hunter through the swamp without dying. But don’t worry! You have a lot of ass-kicking moves at your disposal. Firstly, you get a punch and a kick. If you press A and B together, your guy jumps and kicks. These attacks are great, and they would be a lot greater and powerful if they actually hit the guys.

Occasionally, enemies will drop things like sticks, or boulders, sometimes even a knife. You must take advantage of the props they drop all over the place, even though they will more than likely not hit the enemy you’re trying to kill. However when it does work, it’s hilarious to smash someone’s head in with a wooden pole while shouting: “Who’s your DADDY?! Who’s your DADDY?!”


Up there is one of my favorite moves of Billy’s. They don’t mention it in the manual, which is sad, because I find this the best move in the whole game. Since it isn’t mentioned, I’ll name it “Testicle Guard”. It works wonders to prevent enemies from hitting Billy, because all of the hits dealt are absorbed by his groin!

There are also a few different enemies that will ‘try’ to stop your quest through the swamp. Red and blue versions of Michael Jackson will pop up every now and then to jump around and run from you. Occasionally, if you jump kick their heads, turkey legs fall out. There are other enemies that appear randomly but the only other dude I’ve seen is some punk that looks like The Fonz.


“Shamona, eee hee.” – Michael Jackson

The second mode of play is similar to the arcade game Roadblasters. Similar, in this case, means about fifty times worse. I’m sure, and I understand, that Konami had some trouble getting the crew to finish individual parts of the game on time. They wanted it all done at once, and they had a lack of workers or booze, or both. To fix the problem, they paid a visit to the Special Education department of the local school. They told the kids they could make ther very own game! That’s how the Roadblasters rip-off got stuck in the cart. What you get to do is drive some thing that looks like a jeep around some dirt roads but evil crop dusters, rival jeeps, deadly water puddles, and even demonic satanic wooden posts on the road side will try to get in your way and piss you off.

The third mode of play, and I guess the best, works with or without the Zapper light gun. I chose “No Gun” mode because I believe killing imaginary men with plastic orange guns that make clicking noises is wrong. The shoot ’em up mode consists of a side scrolling backdrop with guys that run around like monkeys and shoot stuff at you. Some guys will just be little sissies and run across the screen in a ninja pose like the guy pictured below. I hated him so much, I fragged his nuts. Also note the ballerina soldier above him. Most enemies will run by and throw some firecracker looking thing at you. Others will shoot grenades, but they look more like red and white beach balls to me.


Pictured above: “Owch my balls!” Inlay: Close-up.

Defining Moment:
Well, I guess blasting that guy’s tackle box in the scrolling shooter mode was pretty funny. He really needed to get the hell off my screen.

Graphics: 5/10
The guys that run around are fun to watch for a while, but their little girly running and jumping Swan Princess style gets obnoxious after some time. I’ve noticed though, that when they jump around like 3-year-olds after eating cake you can’t hit them. I think the U.S. Army should really look into the “Jump Like Wuss” technique.

Sound: 2/10
I don’t really think listening to snappy elevator music while you have your genitals harassed by Michael Jackson is a very good combo. Also, the sound effects are a bit bland. There’s a voice that says the title of the game, but it sounds like they forced the voice actor to sit bare-assed on a slab of ice and smoke a pack of cigars before and during recording.

Control: 0/10
Trying to land in punches, or anything in that case, in the swamp adventure mode is pretty hard. That’s why I decided using Testicle Guard throughout all the levels would be a good choice. Driving the jeep in the Special Ed mode is about as hard as trying to draw a picture… with a baseball helmet on your head filled with Africanized bees while Whitney Houston is on the radio. Somehow, throwing the controller at the wall, then swinging it around several times got me through the jeep levels. Playing “Shoot the Freaks” without the light gun is hard, because, well, nevermind. I think even with the damn gun it’d be near impossible to shoot ballerinas armed with AK-47s.

Innovation: 8/10
I think it is great that Konami made a game where you play as The Crocodile Hunter (cleverly under the alias “Billy”) and run though a swamp getting your no-no kicked in by clones of The King Of Pop and The Fonz. It’s also quite entertaining, in the right frame of mind, to shoot soldiers that would rather prance around than shoot you.

– Dracophile