[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

In two previous updates I put myself through the horror that was modern-day “weight loss” food. As I mentioned earlier this “food” is disgusting and likely meant to make you not eat altogether. If this were the only thing in my pantry I’d starve to death. I’d eat my left hand before I’d eat some of this crap. Anyways, on with the show.

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“White Cheddar Soy Chips”

Going back to reality, these white cheddar chips look significantly more bland than their nacho counterparts, and less in-your-face than the Cheetos knock-offs from the last article. They almost look like they’re fuzzy from the picture on the front, which I’m hoping is just because they can’t afford a decent printer. Once again, we’re dealing with soy here so these probably aren’t even “chips” to begin with.

You know that weird taste the air has in rooms that are full of paper? Take that and add the flavor of plain Ramen noodles and you are in the same ballpark as these chips. They have roughly the texture of packing peanuts and the cheese flavor appears to be distributed very poorly as a few of them are almost sour compared to the blank ones also in the bag. Several of the chips have strange brown discolorations on them. Very nasty stuff. I guess if you were desperate for food, then maybe. Otherwise these things are pretty gross.

Rating: 2/10

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“Shredded Wheat Cereal”

Looks like we have a generic wannabe of Shredded Mini Wheats, the kind of frosted descent of course. I believe this is the same size as the little freebies of cereal they give you at hotels for their complimentary breakfasts they have (unless you stay at places that start with “Econo”, in which case you’re shit out of luck). This certainly isn’t any kind of “breakfast” like it claims on the lid because I can eat about five of these things and still want more.

You’ve got to be shitting me. I think I can count on both of my hands the number of “wheats” that are in here. They closely resemble Wheat Chex, only with some kind of powdered sugar on them. They’re a bit chewy like Wheat Chex as well, but not in a nasty way. Almost tastes like Life cereal, or Wheaties or something to that extent. At first taste, the sugar on top tastes like metal or something else equally offensive but that goes away rather quickly. To be honest, these are not that bad at all! If they came packed in more than 3 pieces of cereal a whack, I’d eat ’em for breakfast. *eats a handful*

Rating: 10/10

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“Chocolate Shake”

I don’t know a whole lot about shakes and malts but last time I checked I believe shakes are made with milk or some other dairy product. Apparently in the Nutrisystem Nourish diet milk is the spawn of Satan unless of course it’s the Mini Wheats, because in that case milk is allowed. Come on people, this isn’t the Great Depression, we don’t need to eat our cereal with water anymore. However, in this case you need water to make this, eight ounces in fact so pictured next to the packet is eight ounces of water in a convenient bottle.

I carefully opened the bag of shake mix and it smelled pleasantly like cake mix. Smelled great, in other words. I didn’t realize how much power was in here, and upon dumping it into the bottle, there was very little room for it to be shaken up and dissolved. Look at the picture above, that entire empty space in the bottle was full of shake mix.

This is the monstrosity that was spawned from the nice smelling cake mix stuff. I took this picture with an exposed light bulb behind it to show you that this concoction is not see through by any means. It’s solid brown murk. Tilting the bottle around shows that it’s thick and chunky, like there wasn’t enough water to dissolve all of the powder. I took the cap off of the bottle expecting to be assaulted with a horrible smell. Instead, it still smells like chocolate cake. The fact remains that it’s still thick and looks like some kind of sludge.

Upon taking a drink I made the horrible discovery that all of the unseen and undissolved powder floated to the surface and gave the drink a glazed-over kind of look. It wasn’t so much the taste that got to me; because it tasted like cake mix and pudding… it was the texture. It felt like someone had spit into my mouth; it was a mix of liquid and partial solids. I’m not sure if this is a sign of it trying to keep the creamy texture of a shake or not, but chocolate flavored water would have been a much better investment than trying to make a shake. This is disgusting.

Rating: 1/10 (One point for smelling nice.)

That’s all the time we have for Nutrisystem on RFSHQ, I hope you had a great time laughing at my shortcomings… and if you’d like some more Nutrisystem here’s a cool new bonus feature to the article: Click here to see the disposal of the chocolate murk.

– Dracopile

austinpowers-coverGame:
Austin Powers – Oh, Behave!

Developer:
Rockstar Games / Tarantula Studios

Genre:
Windows 98 Sim

Platform:
Game Boy Color

Released:
2000

When people mention Rockstar Games normally the first thing you think of is a vast open environment where you can steal cars, shoot black people, sell drugs, steal cars, and shoot more black people while selling drugs at the same time. Grand Theft Auto may have been a huge milestone in gaming history but before Rockstar Games was insanely popular and notorious, they were producing shit like this. Austin Powers – Oh, Behave obviously is a title that is tied-in with the popular series of Mike Myers movies and what better way to translate them into a game than to make a Game Boy Color title that is essentially a dumbed down version of Windows 98. I wish I was lying to you, I really, really do. This game is nothing more than a watered down parody of Windows 98 and — no surprise — it has about the same amount of functionality.

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SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE I’M NOT HAVING FUN ANYMORE

Upon starting up the game you meet quite possibly the most boring, uninspired, and annoying introduction in video game history. “FAB-DOS]” is obviously a parody of MS-DOS and this boot up sequence is supposed to be funny or cute or something, but all I get out of it is a stream of clicking noises for each letter on the screen and Austin Powers screaming “YEAH BABY” with innuendo jokes every time the game “loads” a new function. The entire ordeal is painful at best, and it just will not fucking stop going on and on.

After FAB-DOS takes its jolly ol’ fucking time starting up (I guess it really is like Windows 98) you finally get to “play” the “game”. In this case “play” loosely translates to “enter a bunch of stupid fucking information while Austin Powers makes the same fucking jokes over and over again”. After you enter all your important agent information Austin briefs you on your mission: defeat Dr. Evil. How you do this using a shitty Windows emulator is beyond me, but at least you can actually do something with the game now.

Believe it or not for such a shitty game there’s a lot to cover so I’ll just go right down the menu in order that all of this crap appears. First things first, you get a cursor that you move with the directional pad; A is to click, and B turns on the screen saver. The little folder with the dice next to it is labeled “GAMES”, hopefully its contents are self-explanatory. Just like a real computer you have to click it twice to open it. Your “games” are as follows:

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NONE OF THIS IS REAL THIS IS NOT HAPPENING

Rock, Paper, Scissors: Rock paper scissors. ROCK PAPER FUCKING SCISSORS.

Mojo Maze: Hey have you ever played that one game before? Oh darn, what was it called? Oh wait I remember now. PAC-MAN? Have you ever played Pac-Man? Have you ever wanted to play a fucking marathon of Pac-Man starring Austin Powers? No? I don’t blame you.

Domination: You’d think with a name like “Domination” you’d be playing something that was at least remotely engaging. Instead it’s just a port of the board game Othello. So far we’ve got three games that are just shoddy ports and rip offs of existing games. Three strikes, you’re out, right? Wrong.

If you drag that little male symbol you’ll reveal one final game.

Platform Game: At least it’s not another stupid board game or old classic that’s been done and redone a million times. Whoever does the graphics for this game really needs to keep a uniform design or at least some kind of quality control because not only does Austin Powers look pregnant, he has an overbite so fucking huge that he gives the PBS logo a run for its money. In this platform game you jump around and shoot at enemies while collecting items scattered around the level. Instead of fighting Dr. Evil’s minions you get to shoot at spinning road cones, trash cans, and soccer balls.

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NO THIS IS NOT A THING THIS DOES NOT EXIST

Once you’ve tortured yourself with this title’s sorry excuse for “games” you’re pretty much done unless you have the irrepressible urge to fuck with the game’s settings and appearance. The folder under the games is called “GROOVY STUFF” and contains the following options:

Sounds: You can change the sounds that play when you do certain stuff in the Windows screens like minimizing and closing stuff. If you’ve ever wanted to hear “DO I MAKE YOUR RANDY BABY YEAH” when you click your mouse, this is most definitely where you want to be.

Cursors: If you can’t guess what this function does somehow I don’t think RFSHQ is the right place for you.

Color Scheme: This screen lets you change the four-color palette that makes up the bottom menu bar. The color choices can best be described as the mess you make when you decide to mix all of the little watercolor wafers into one color.

Screen Saver: If you’re actually playing this long enough to need a screen saver then I am truly worried about your overall well being and demeanor. There are two kinds of screen savers here, a bouncing logo, or an animated picture that looks like a stupid Livejournal avatar.

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WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON WHAT IT THIS

After you’re done wasting your life changing some menial settings that you’ll probably only notice once or twice you can then check out all of the programs listed, of course, in the “PROGRAMS” folder.

Austin’s Pad: Think of it like a multiplayer Notepad but instead of using a keyboard you’re inputting messages using the D-Pad. Sheer pain.

Internet: No, you can’t connect to the Internet using this game. Clicking the icon will play a fake modem dialing sound and take you to some interactive text boxes where you can read about the movies and characters in them. The game takes special care to use fake URL’s that end in .HTM, but of course the developers couldn’t help but lend a helping hand to the Somerset Hills Hotel by making Dr. Evil say “WWW.SHH.COM” every five seconds in the Domination game.

Shagulator: How else can you make a calculator appealing? Make a sex joke out of it. I hear if you look at “58008” upside down it spells out “BOOBS”. YEAH BABY SHAGADELIC.

Trading: This doesn’t do anything unless you have a friend with this game and a Link Cable as well. If you somehow persuaded your friend into buying this game then you’re a horrible person.

Sample Player: Taking up extra space on the cartridge is a plethora of barely audible and static-ridden sound bits and quotes from the movie. This is also just another list of the same sounds that randomly play when you do stuff in the game.

Statistics: If you’ve ever wanted to know how many times you lost at Rock Paper Scissors then here’s your Hall of Shame.

Movie Clip: This is without a doubt one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen, and sadly this is probably the best feature that this Windows wannabe has to offer. The developers coded a series of short clips from the actual movies into the game and placed some quotes and sounds from the movie over them. For the most part they don’t match and are off by a few seconds but nonetheless I commend them for their efforts… and then want to punch them in the throat for laying the groundwork for all of those worthless Game Boy Advance titles that contain Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh episodes.

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WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLEASE HELP ME

Finally, the last folder (hidden underneath everything else) is the “GADGETS” folder adorned with a little wrench.

FAB-DOS: If you really hate yourself and want to relive the opening sequence then I dare you to click this.

Analyzer: This is a fake Anti-Virus system that doesn’t do a damn thing.

Format: If you’d like to erase any traces of you tarnishing your good name playing this game, clicking the nuclear explosion will cure all of your life’s ailments.

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FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE THIS END

While this covers all of the folders, believe it or not there is still more crap crammed into this game. Clicking the little blue “MOJO” button will let you fiddle with the desktop and pick through desktops ranging from the dull and boringthe incredibly bizarre, and of course the downright fucking scary. But wait, there’s more. Clicking the little male icon at the bottom left (what I believe is the “Start Menu“) will bring up a complete list of programs (so you don’t have to navigate through the bright colored menus), the ability to kill that annoying boot sequence (or to play it again), and finally Shutdown. Yes, you have to shut the game down just like a real computer. But of course, if you’re like me you don’t give a shit either way, and if for some reason you actually wanted to play this a second time after improperly shutting it down, the game will let you know that you’re an asshole and it will bitch at you while fixing fake errors.

I understand the novelty of jokingly imitating the wonderfully stable Windows 98, but when you go as far as to bitch about improper shutdowns you aren’t just taking a step too far, you’re taking a fucking leap.

Dracophile’s Final Words:
Graphics: The game is full of colors so if you’re four years old it will probably keep you entertained. When it comes to actual graphics though it’s painfully obvious there were several different designers involved because Austin Powers can go from a pale faced pregnant redneck in one game to a Hispanic looking swinger with a black afro in another.

Controls: The only thing this game has going for it is that it “feels” like you’re really using a crappy version of Windows. Perhaps they were intending to make the first PDA that primarily doubles as a paperweight.

Music: If you like grainy sound bites and strange combinations of bent notes and hanging beeps then you’ll love this game!

Replay Value: I’d rather be using Windows ME.

Overall: If you want a perfect shining example of what not to do when converting a movie into a crappy game based off of an even crappier operating system then I highly suggest you buy this game. If you spend any more than a dollar on it you’re being ripped off. Yes, I’m looking at you, GameStop.

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

Last time on RFSHQ, I sampled three products from the Nutrisystem “Nourish” menu of diet food. I really don’t know why they call their system “nourish” when all it really does is metaphorically kick your stomach in the balls. Either way in the name of comedy the show must go on, and today I will be consuming, or trying to consume, three more products.

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“Chocolate Peanut Butter Dessert Bar”

I’ve seen the commercials before: “OH MY GOD CHOCOLATE WHAT KIND OF DIET IS THIS WOW NUTRISYSTEM MUST RULE I MEAN CHOCOLATE HOLY SHIT.” I’m very skeptical right now, since the last three things I have eaten have turned out to be absolutely horrible. On the outside this looks like a pretty cheap Snickers knock off and there’s no crazy guy with a guitar singing me a song about happy caramel and prancing nougats which is not helping my case here.

I opened the package and to my horror I see something that resembles a disgusting wet turd. I’m guessing it’s just because it may have gotten a little melted sitting next to the computer, and even if it’s not I am going to keep telling myself that. As I took a bite I quickly realized this wasn’t chocolate. This wasn’t even close to that imitation chocolate in that cheap Easter candy. This tasted like a horrible trail mix granola bar that was soggy and loaded with raisins. Unfortunately there aren’t any raisins in this bar.

Rating: 6/10

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“Cheddar Cheese Crunchy Curls”

In quite possibly the worst example of alliteration ever, this packaging stands out from the rest of Nutrisystem’s crap. This bag is very much an IN YOUR FACE marketing technique, which leads me to believe this was packaged in the 1990’s. I like how the bag says “Serving Suggestion”, like someone is really going to serve these cheese puffs by throwing them all over the floor.

I popped one of the curls into my mouth, and the taste was manageable. They tasted like the cheapest store-brand Cheetos that have ever been made, but they were not disgusting. However, a few seconds into eating some I began to “taste the smell” of old library books. I’m talking like, early 20th century encyclopedias here. Really old books, you know that smell they have. I tried ignoring it and ate some more cheese curls but the weird aroma of decomposing books put me off.

Rating: 6/10

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“Cheese & Garlic Pretzel Sticks”

I have already experienced these people’s idea of “pretzels” before, and I am not about to mindlessly believe that these are somehow real pretzels. Looking at the bag they look delicious. They don’t look like pretzels though. They look like breadsticks covered in cinnamon, which prompted me to rip the bag apart in a fury to get to the sugary goodness like some crack fiend.

I shouldn’t have opened the bag like that. A smell similar to a Pizza Hut exploding filled the computer area of my room. It smelled like pure garlic and salt, like if Super Mario himself farted in my face. It was enough to kill any vampire within 50 miles of my house. I almost refused to eat this but I forced myself to sample some in the hopes that it was all an elaborate joke. The taste was worse than the smell. They tasted like really old pizza that was room temperature, and crunchy. I’d seriously go back and eat the Melba toast. These sucked.

Rating: 2/10

And so ends another installment in the Nutrisystem saga. I guess it goes to show you not everything they make is disgusting, but that’s like saying that not everything you get out of a garbage dump is trash.

– Dracophile

robotwarsmm-coverGame:
Robot Wars: Metal Mayhem

Developer:
Tiertex Design Studios

Genre:
Robot Combat Sim

Platform:
Game Boy Color

Released:
2000

Earlier this decade and towards the end of the 1990’s the “sport” of robot combat was on the rise. The United States had BattleBots, and England had Robot Wars. While both shows had their flaws (BattleBots had excessive amounts of Carmen Electra’s tits and Robot Wars was completely rigged), they also had their games complete with gratuitous flaws as well. Robot Wars saw many more releases than BattleBots, which only managed a meager Game Boy Advance game and a cancelled console title, but at the same time Robot Wars has nothing to brag about either. This Game Boy Color game is absolutely horrible and if you wanted to be a dick about it you can blame the fall of robot combat on this very game.

Upon starting up the game you’re greeted with a nice Game Boy conversion of the Robot Wars theme, along with some seemingly random three dimensional animated model of a robot frame which actually looked like it took some effort to make. Immediately following this fine piece of programming art is a title screen that looks like it was made in five minutes with MS Paint. No, that’s not sarcasm, the rendered robot model is easily the best part of this game; it only gets worse from here.

At the main menu you’ll see a few options, the first of which, “Robot Workshop”, will let you build a robot. Your choices are extremely limited in terms of what you can pick. You’ve got some prefabricated chassis designs, motors, reductions, and weapons. After you pick from this great assortment of crap you can name your robot and use it in a number of events. There are more events to choose from than there are options available for your robot, and they are just as bad as the cheesy robot features.

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Sure, this is Robot Wars. I guess.

Before I mention any kind of gameplay at all, I must mention the controls. Whoever the asshole is that programmed these I’d like to stick them in the face. Driving your robot is literally impossible because as you try to make a left turn your robot will have a seizure and turn/warp in every possible direction. Either it is turning way too fast for the Game Boy to keep up with or whoever was in charge of this part of the game was a total retard and I’m betting it’s the latter. Aside from not being able to make a left turn the rest of the controls “work”. Using weapons is pretty lame since they never hit and when they do it sounds like either someone is opening up shaken cans of soda or Stephen Hawking taking a dump, either way it’s nothing but static and buzzes. From when you turn on the game to when you put a bullet in your head to end it all, the digitized version of the Robot Wars television theme will be set on repeat. Yes, that’s right, it will play the same ten fucking seconds of music when you’re navigating menus, making a robot, or fighting.

The game offers a handful of modes to play in. Choosing the “Trials” category from the main menu will bring up several events to play in. The first is “Skittles”, and despite what the name sounds like, no, it’s not the candy that makes rainbows erupt out of your stomach. In Skittles, your objective is to run into barrels… and that’s it. Compounded with impossible controls, chances are you won’t knock them all down in the time limit provided. The next event is “Sumo”, which, as it implies, is a sumo pushing event between two robots. All you have to do is shove them off the side of the arena, but as you’ll soon find out, that is no easy task because your robot graphic tends to just ride up next to your opponent and get stuck. You can press whatever button you want (even the magic left turn button) but you’ll be going nowhere and your opponent will have his way with you every single time. Next up is “Slalom”, which is self explanatory, and with controls from Hell itself, you can pretty much guess how fun this mode is.

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This bot might look rad, but we’ll get back to him in just a bit.

The final event in the “Trials” category is the “Gauntlet” which is listed last and by its description is easily the single most hardcore robot event in the history of hardcore robot events. If you’ve been paying attention this whole time then you’d know that the Gauntlet is probably going to be less hardcore than two old men playing shuffleboard. Upon starting the event you are plunged into a blue arena littered with every hazard in the game, and all of the house robots… who can’t seem to get up over a little bump in the floor. Once you get past the house robots (which is pretty easy, just drive straight) it’s just a matter of using the tedious controls to get by a few thousand pneumatic spikes and pits only to be raped by Sir Killalot when it’s all said and done.

If you’re done playing around in the sleep-inducing rounds of “Trials” then you can finally try out some robot combat action that doesn’t involve running into barrels or staying between the lines. Combat, at best, can be described as two people in wheelchairs hitting each other; very slow, very pathetic, and devoid of any kind of action whatsoever. I could have sworn I gave WORSTBOTEVER a flipping arm, but instead it appears that its weapon has been reduced to a yellow penis that fires out from the front of the robot. Fighting your opponent with your selected weapon is virtually impossible because no matter how hard to try to hit your opponent, your weapon will just clip through him and do zero damage. If by some crazy chance you do land a hit it will do a very negligible amount of damage. If you’re trying to win (heh) then your best bet is to just stuff your enemy into the fire pit or into one of the house robots. If by some chance you are able to beat your opponent, he will violently burst into flames like something out of a Stephen King movie and you will be rewarded with what looks like a condom wrapper nailed to a saw blade with your name on it.

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Congratu-fucking-lations.

Among the robots available for you to play as or fight against include the ferocious Milly Ann Bug and Diotor who, thanks to the graphical limitations of the Game Boy Color, has either some kind of spinning piece of wood or just a regular piece of wood as a weapon. Also available is the menacing looking “Crasha Gnasha” (see above), but when he’s translated into sprites he turns into a purple stick that loses the saw blade and instead adopts a wire flail as a weapon that does a whole lot of nothing. Rather than display a nice little pre-rendered picture for your custom robots the game just throws up a nasty looking wireframe with your robot’s name on it. With the staggering number of options available for your design (four) you’d think they could just make that many pictures, but no, that would be too convenient.

When it comes to combat, “Grudge Match” is a quick battle where you pick the opponents, and “War Zone” is an onslaught of random opponents. If you manage to beat them all you’d think maybe the game would give you something cool like an unlockable chassis or a new weapon. Nope, you get nothing. It just replays the little opening 3D robot scene along with the title screen. Any way you cut it, you lose.

Dracophile’s Final Words:
Graphics: You can’t help but laugh at some of these graphics and how they transferred robots into the game. Apparently, somewhere along the line Dead Metal ditched his armor and instead went for a bright fucking pink Barbie Jeep paint job instead.

Controls: Unlike NASCAR, Robot Wars: Metal Mayhem is completely devoid of left turns unless you plan on losing control.

Music: If there were more than two tracks of music in this game maybe I’d have something to rate, instead I get to berate the Robot Wars theme and a bunch of patches of static for sound effects.

Replay Value: If I was locked in a room with only a Game Boy and this game I think I’d rather attempt to eat the Game Boy instead of putting myself through this again.

Overall: Some people claim that robot combat died out because parts such as E-Tek motors cost a few hundred fucking dollars and not everyone has disposable incomes or works for Hollywood movie studios making animatronics but in reality the sport died out because of shit like this. The Robot Wars television show is rigged because of their overpowered house robots. This game is rigged because there are so many glitches and flaws it’s impossible to win. Cease.

– Dracophile

nes-kidicarusboxGame:
Kid Icarus

Developer:
Nintendo

Genre:
Platformer

Platform:
NES

Released:
1986

There are bad games, and then there is Kid Icarus. Normally whenever a horrible game pops up on RFSHQ it’s created by some unknown one “hit” wonder company that tanked shortly after their dreams were crushed by their own lack of programming finesse. The game on the cutting block today, to my surprise, is a title created by Nintendo itself, hailed as the game company of all game companies. However regardless of what mindless Nintendo fans say, Kid Icarus stands as a testament to the claim that it is impossible to make a perfect run and produce hit after hit. Sloppy controls, unforgiving difficulty, annoying music, and poor collision detection make this title one of the worst that Nintendo has ever produced. The storyline of the game is basic. You play the role of Pit, a young angel who is battling his way out of the Underworld against the evil goddess Medusa. Armed with only a bow and the ability to jump and walk like a hammered seven year old, Pit begins his quest at what I assume is the bottom of Hell to work his way up. Your mission is clear cut and there are items along the way to help you out; the problem is that most of these items don’t do a damn thing and are extremely overpriced at the various “shops” located around the levels.

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Looks simple enough, right?

The first thing you are going to encounter in Kid Icarus are the controls, which are essentially nonexistent. Trying to get Pit to keep in control is nearly impossible. If you are moving when you jump, Pit will take an extra step when he lands and more than likely fall off the screen and die. Yes, if you fall to the bottom of the screen you are dead. You don’t fall down to the beginning of the level or to a platform off screen, no, you die. Hell literally crumbles away beneath you as you fire your arrows of light directly into the groin of Satan himself. This would not be too much of a problem if the game actually had what we like to call “platforms”. Some screens actually have a floor you can walk on, but most of your journey will be spent jumping from block to block trying to keep Pit from falling all while snakes rain from platforms not on the screen yet and flying one eyed monsters with noclip enabled charge at you. The icing on the cake though is when you try to jump a gap and hit your head on the roof above you. Your character loses any form of inertia he had going for him and falls straight fucking down.

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NOTHING BULLSHIT ABOUT THIS NOPE NOT AT ALL

The enemies in this game are insane and over the top. Most of them come in groups of four but they are completely unpredictable and appear at random. You can move through the level twice at the same speed and encounter five times as many enemies compared to your first run. Most of them die in one hit but since your arrows only shoot about an inch in front of you most of your combat will be in close quarters. Snakes run rampant in Hell and cover the platforms in a veil of wriggling purple scales and googly eyes, octopi and other tentacle creatures fly through walls from the top and bottom of the screen, and the Grim Reaper even shows up and goes completely apeshit when he sees you. When he does, miniature Grim Reapers fly down and start to pester the shit out of you. Because of this, at one point in time there were so many enemies on the screen at once that the game literally slowed down to a crawl and Pit of course got his ass handed to him. There are also fire enemies that show up at random right underneath your feet and fire bullets that of course go through walls, so you need to constantly move or else something is going to kick your ass. At one point you will encounter spiky plants that run along the walls that supposedly hurt you, but damage is done at random. Sometimes you can walk directly into a plant and it won’t do anything, but other times you can clip it with your foot and you’re dead, and best of all you can’t shoot the damn things.

Your health meter is noted by a small red block that I have yet to figure out how to increase. You die in about five hits which come incredibly fast thanks to the never ending stream of snakes, tentacle monsters, and other phallic objects. There are doorways that are placed in each level that can take you to one of many kinds of rooms and get you away from enemies. Most of them are traps and take you into a room where faces come out and beat the shit out of you, but some of them also take you to worthless shops that sell overpriced items that you obviously can’t afford unless you spend an hour killing snakes. When you kill enemies they drop hearts, but these hearts don’t refill your health, they are money. Yes, you pay for worthless items with hearts just like another shitty game I reviewed in 2004. Some doorways also take you to “bonus rounds” which consist of a bunch of “?” jars that cost five hearts to shoot. You shoot as many as you want until you hit the Grim Reaper jar, which costs you the game. The minigame plays just like something out of The Price is Right, and sadly is the highlight of Kid Icarus. And to top it all off, one room contains Jesus Christ himself. Depending on how pissed off he is at Mel Gibson he will either give you an item or pelt you with bricks and then give you an item.

nes-kidicarus2

Five fucking Grim Reapers.

Perhaps I’m in the wrong here for calling out Kid Icarus as one of the worst, if not the worst, games I have ever played but the only kind of people who could possibly enjoy this game are the ones who shove salt coated nails into their balls for sexual pleasure and get off to suicide videos because playing this game is just sheer immeasurable pain. For some reason, and I don’t know why, this title has made it into several “Top 100 Games of All Time” articles in various magazines; but wait, let’s back this up a bit. Kid Icarus is in Nintendo Power’s Top 200 games (Issue 199). NINTENDO POWER. Strictly Nintendo, and of course they’re going to put their own games into their own “best games ever” list, so they are out of the picture. In 2003, IGN.com gave Kid Icarus slot #83 in their Top 100 but anyone willing to wade through IGN’s five thousand ads within ads within ads doesn’t have a very educated opinion anyways so we can throw IGN out as well. This just leaves the cesspool of Nintendo fanboys throwing 10/10’s out on GameFAQs, and frankly, fuck them and their mob mentality. Kid Icarus is a piece of shit game and rightfully deserves a #1 on all “worst games ever” lists. Rot in Hell, Pit.

Dracophile’s Final Words:
Graphics: You will encounter brown rocks, purple bricks, red lava, blue pillars, orange monsters, yellow sand, and white arrows. The colors of the rainbow will vomit in your face like a bulimic eating Skittles while riding the Tilt-O-Whirl.

Controls: Take the physics of driving on ice with flat tires and combine it with an 8-bit angel jumping around like a lunatic.

Music: Picture some music from Metroid on the NES. Now increase the pitch and add in some more buzzing and maybe a couple of beeps. There you go, and sorry for the migraine.

Replay Value: An uninspired and bland environment won’t keep you interested for long. You’ll play with a Slinky or Rubik’s Cube longer than Kid Icarus.

Overall: Kid Icarus is a less-than-bad game and giving it a zero out of ten just won’t do it justice. It truly is a chunk of coal in a pile of gem stones and its true pain can only truly be experienced by playing it yourself.

– Dracophile

Dear Parents,

What I am about to tell you is 100% true, only the facts have been modified. Our city is currently experiencing and epidemic known as Tetanus. But it is ok; the disease is treatable, sometimes, unless your son or daughter is a negro. It takes 2-14 days for this disease to fuck you up after you have been infected. Believe me; you do not want to get infected. I promise you this disease you will fuck you up harder than a big black man in a 10 x 6 prison cell. Symptoms can include thoughts of terrorism, homosexuality, listening to country music, and willingness to vote Hillary Clinton for President. If you experience an erection lasting longer than 5 days, seek immediate medical help. In severe cases, Tetanus can make patients experience puberty again. The first sign you have Tetanus is usually when you start paying attention to pop-up ads, weight loss commercials, or even unleashing your inner Chinese by wanting to eat domestic animals.

Recently, there have been no reported cases of Tetanus in the United States; the disease is most commonly seen in gay communities, Asian countries, and Tetanusinmyfacejikstan. The source of our outbreak is not currently known, our scientists currently believe it came from the Jews or some Muslim terrorists.

If your child is suffering from these symptoms please either shoot their ass or treat them already. If you were too stupid to not give them the vaccine as a baby, then you will be stuck with using the “Anal Probe” treatment. If you are not mentally retarded like many other parents, please keep reading on how to treat your child. For starters, your child needs to be confined in an airtight room as seen in the movies, as long as you don’t fuck up and pull off your helmet like Cuba Gooding Jr in the movie OutBreak, this option is completely safe for you. Our doctors read somewhere on Wikipedia that you need to eat about 4,000 calories, so 1 McDonalds Cheeseburger a day should do until completely cured. Also try showing your infected children porn, if they react normally, then they can survive in our high school and can be released.

NOTE: If you have received this letter on accident because you are not 100% white or Christian, please call us at 1-800-FUCK-YOU. And remember, don’t try to cure this on your own, its damn near impossible, as quoted by MC Tetanus, “Cant Touch This, do doo do doo”

That concludes our letter, Peace out Crackers.

– TWX

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

And so here we are, the final installment of the energy drink trilogy on RFSHQ. We are down to the final three energy drinks in the no holds barred battle of the beverages. Omega Mega Energy, Black Hole, and Jump are about to face the jury and the likes of the six brave drinks that came before them. Unfortunately, our RFSHQ forum buddy FpS ref1ex has declined a third installment after Clamato and Von Dutch performed a Mexican hat dance in his stomach.

For those of you just joining us though, each drink will be judged on Appearance, Ingredients, Smell, Taste, and Energy Received.

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“Omega Mega Energy”

Appearance: Looking like something that came off the shelves of a Target store, Omega Mega Energy contains stripes. Lots of stripes. Enough stripes to make me question if this came from the 1970’s and just sat on a shelf somewhere all these years. Compound that with the most redundant name ever seen on a product and we have a real winner here. Also, what is with “COSMO” being plastered on the can? What kind of energy is this exactly? Astronaut energy? Fairly Oddparents energy?

Ingredients: Thankfully, Omega Mega Energy is a breath of fresh air in the realm of these articles. Finally, a drink that is not citrus for once. Cranberry Lime sounds strange, like one of the few million drink combinations they serve at Sonic restaurants, but at least it doesn’t sound as bad as Recon’s “coffee cola”. Omega Mega Energy is also pretty proud to proclaim there is no sugar or high fructose corn syrup in their drink. I’ve seen those Juicy Juice commercials, high fructose corn syrup looks sick… like soap. I don’t want to drink soap, I’ve already had that. It was called Von Dutch.

Smell: Omega Mega Energy almost smells like some kind of fine wine, implying that they actually might be better than everyone else. This is the kind of energy drink that Bill Gates and other billionaires enjoy, no doubt. If it’s not wine I smell then maybe it’s just expired.

Taste: I think someone got confused at the bottling plant. This does not taste bad, but it tastes like the cheap fruit flavored sparkling waters you can buy at Wal-Mart. I’m actually pretty pleased that this was bought on sale because if I had paid full price I’d be pretty pissed off knowing that I can get 20 ounces of the same shit from somewhere else for 49 cents.

Energy Received: Frankly I don’t care how much Taurine and other stuff I can’t spell is in this drink. I am convinced I have been drinking this for years, and last time I checked Taurine was a Pokemon anyways. These people are full of shit.

Rating: 8/10

RFSHQ_noimage

“Jump”

Appearance: I am fairly certain that this can is attempting to use its artwork and one word title to instruct the dinosaurs on what they should have done when the meteor was coming. Either that, or it’s predicting the apocalypse, my apocalypse; look at this stuff, it’s coffee cola. Recon tried pulling this stunt with me earlier and that was quite disgusting.

Ingredients: Jump has “caffeine like I’ve never had before” in it’s own separate explosion which means that this caffeine will most likely be that exciting for me, because it’s new. Jump also wants to let me know that the very first ingredient in it is triple filtered carbonated water, meaning that the base of this drink had its ass kicked three times for my enjoyment. Bad ass.

Smell: The second this can depressurized that same familiar nasty smell of coffee and cola filled the room. It smells exactly like Recon just in a smaller and more obtrusive can. Oddly enough it shares the same properties; the closer you get to it the more it smells like regular coke.

Taste: After taking one big sip of Jump, I actually cringed. The coffee is not as overpowering as Recon was, but once you swallow it it comes right back up and lingers. Because Jump is sugar free it also has the same Diet Coke taste as Recon did. You know what, why am I even writing this? This shit is Recon just in a different can. They aren’t fooling me anymore; that was a really mean and evil prank you guys. Seriously.

Energy Received: I dumped this can out and crushed it with my bare hand. Manly.

Rating: 3/10

RFSHQ_noimage

“Black Hole”

Appearance: Here we are, the final drink out of our original 9. Will Black Hole get that perfect 10 or will it get stuffed with a 1 or possibly even a 0? Well first of all, this can is telling me to “suck it” so I already don’t like it. Actually, it was telling me that until I rotated it a little more to reveal that it really says “suck it up”, like a black hole I’m assuming. Just like all of the other drinks it feels that it should throw them all around the lid of the can, but that really doesn’t matter because I honestly have no clue what “COQ10” is anyways, other than the fact that it is pronounced “cock ten”.

Ingredients: Aside from COQ10 and the other ambiguous ingredients plastered all over the can there are of course more listed in the little Nutritional Facts box. However, Black Hole isn’t a drink, it’s a liquid vitamin; it has a Supplement Facts box. Thankfully, in barely legible print it also defines COQ10, telling me that it’s a naturally produced body enzyme that apparently ceases to exist after you turn 20. Among the things COQ10 apparently does, “scavenges free radicals” is one of them. I’m assuming this drink lets me feast on the bodies of dead politicians. Bad ass.

Smell: Black Hole has the smell of citrus like most drinks, but there is a strange smell in there as well that I cannot identify. It smells vaguely of rotting food or something completely unappetizing to that extent, much like the other strange crap that the other drinks smell like. I think it’s the COQ10 I’m smelling. It’s the rotting bodies of the dead people I can feast on like a vulture.

Taste: If I were suck on a lime, there’s your taste. I guess by “suck it” the can meant “it” to be a lime.

Energy Received: Where are the dead people? I go could for a leg right now.

Rating: 7/10

 

Well, there you have it folks. I toughed it through the best and the worst of energy drinks, trying to power myself up to deal with life and prevent me from getting any sleep whatsoever. While nothing managed to get that perfect one-zero, I would say that the Everlast Energy from the first article was the best out of the 9, the worst of course being that horrifyingly disgusting Clamato. Its disgusting fishy aroma and taste will haunt my dreams forever. Get powered up America, it’s time you continued another health fad.

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

nanoquesttitleGame:
NanoQuest

Developer:
Can Do Interactive / Fable Multimedia

Genre:
Edutainment

Platform:
PC

Released:
2006

Games created for educational purposes are a common occurrence and a cheap ploy to get students to “learn” the school’s curriculum. Games that revolve around adding, subtracting, reading, and other basic school principles are frequently put into production, but NanoQuest stands out as a game that attempts to teach players a little bit about nanotechnology and other scientific fields of study. NanoQuest is thinly veiled under the selling point of “aimed at the Playstation generation”, which is believable because the game looks and plays like an unlicensed (and rejected) Playstation One title.

NanoQuest1

This is gonna be one of THOSE days.

As you are introduced into the world of NanoQuest (Ireland) you are greeted by Professor D’Arcy who apparently loves to help mankind but hates pudding at the same time. Joining her are our two completely inept “heroes”, Jack and Orla, one of whom is thrilled to be using the Atomic Force Microscope, and the other whose facial expressions hint they couldn’t give a shit either way. After some dialogue about the quantum shrinking device you can choose your player who opts to stay behind when Professor D’Arcy offers coffee. Just like in every science fiction movie ever, your character is a complete idiot and ignores everything the Professor said about the shrinking machine and walks into the chamber to have a look around. Your character is oblivious to the fact that the antagonist Doctor Jurgen O’Kelly (who tortures small animals *gasp*)has other plans which involve taking digital pictures of papers and locking you in the shrinking chamber (and subsequently shrinking you down to “nanosize”, which I can only assume is the new increment in french fry size on the McDonald’s menu).

Nobody seems to mention why Doctor O’Kelly wants to shrink things, possibly to compensate for something, but other than that no evidence or plot is provided. O’Kelly either really fucking hates you; or you just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time when O’Kelly planned on dicking around with the quantum scaling machine. Either way, once your character enters the realm of shitty Windows desktops you are greeted by the “nanoworld”; it’s just like this world except, as the game’s tagline mentions, really small. In today’s “Playstation generation” obviously the first thing to do when shrunk is use your cell phone to call your friends and take pictures for them to put on MySpace, which is exactly what happens. The cinematics end once you enter this new world full of rainbow colors and hamster balls intent on killing you, and you are finally given control of your player.

NanoQuest3

Someone thought this was a good idea.

Your mission is to collect pieces to build a “nanocar” and send them to your partner so he can build it for you. I’m beginning to assume that “nano” is the new “cool Internet prefix” like “i” and “e-“. If the game wasn’t already unfolding to be a monstrous piece of edu-crap it will be the second you try to move. Instead of keeping up with the animation your character simply glides along and gradually builds up speed. Trying to jump from platform to platform will prove difficult as you can perform two jumps: a crappy short jump that essentially moves you nowhere, or an exact duplicate of the Six Million Dollar Man jump that will send you hurtling through nanoworld. If for some reason you decide to fall off the level you won’t die, you just get thirty seconds added onto your total time as a penalty. That’s right; you can’t kill yourself even if you tried. Throughout the entire game you’re plagued by techno music loops that resemble remixes of music you hear in department stores. Once you collect your “buckyballs” and “nanowires” the level is over and you get to play as the other character in the “educational” part of the game – walking through the laboratory passing up a plethora of stupid “nanofacts” and even an entire museum full of, you guessed it, more nanofacts. When you get to the lab you enter the next level which lays out everything onto the Atomic Force Microscope. I don’t know how accurate this game is but since it’s educational I’m hoping for the best. According to NanoQuest, the atomic microscope is made up of entirely the same hexagonal crap as the nanoworld environment, and the needle that moves parts around is a GIANT TRANSPARENT PYRAMID which ends up getting in your way.

nanoquest-pyramid

ILLUMINATI CONSPIRACY

Once the car parts have been pushed into their defined places on the pattern you switch characters and get to drive the junker you just assembled without any form of propulsion whatsoever. They managed to include a clearly visible safety harness, but no engine. If this game is so educational how the fuck are you able to drive a car on a flat surface without any force? I suppose those questions are going to be answered in the follow-up hit game “InternalCombustionEngineQuest – It’s a loud world”. Driving the car is insanely hard as you will slide all over the place and be chased by more possessed hamster balls. Periodically trains will drive by and shake the environment. They never mention what a “train” is, but I can only assume they mean “steam engine”, and if so, why the hell am I not riding that to the warp?

Once you race to the finish you are supposedly “out” of nanoworld and you begin to grow to normal size. However nobody seems to notice that O’Kelly is still in the room fucking with everything so he walks up to the 6-way power strip and literally unplugs the shrink machine. A giant chamber capable of changing the physical properties of matter is also capable of running off of 110 volts of AC current and can simply be unplugged effectively trashing your plans of returning to normality. This brings us to the final level, inside the computer which is now overheating thanks to O’Kelly’s fetish for completely shitting on your life. Parts of the supercomputer overheat themselves over and over again, so I can only assume that at the core of this quantum scaling machine lays an Xbox 360. To restore working order you have to jump around and collect power cubes cleverly disguised as children’s blocks. You’ll incur many time penalties thanks to the wonderful jumping physics, and when you finally do make the jumps you will be demolished by sliding color bars of death, laser beams, and of course pathways that resemble penises.

NanoQuest2

No, really.

Collecting all of the power cubes will fix the computer and let you finally return to your normal size and also grants your character the ability to be unintentionally seductive. I had a picture here at one point, but I lost it. When all’s said and done the cutscene moves to Doctor O’Kelly who is seen standing in the middle of nowhere surrounded by darkness. A car pulls up and there is a quick exchange of briefcases and hand shakes. Yes, some shady crime lord paid Doctor O’Kelly a huge sum of money to unplug one machine while hiding in the corner. It’s a small world indeed.

Dracophile’s Final Words:
Graphics: Created to please kids who grew up in the era of the Playstation, Can Do Interactive and Fable Multimedia did a great job completely missing the target and creating what appears to be an environment made entirely out of code from Atari Jaguar diagnostic cartridges.

Controls: NanoQuest‘s controls would be great if the game was reworked into “JumpThroughFieldsQuest” but unfortunately it isn’t and the level design demands tight controls which sadly are just not present. Thanks to a combination of moon gravity and superhuman strength you will spend a lot of time overshooting your jumps.

Music: NanoQuest tries too hard to match the feel of that space-age genre of techno music seen in many space shooter and adventure games. What the developers came up with instead was a choice selection of the most uninspired music ever displayed in a PC video game.

Replay Value: At one point in time the developers offered a trip to Paris to the person who could get the highest score possible in NanoQuest as well as in an attempt to phase out the use of the “i” prefix iPod Nanos (irony alert) were given away as prizes too. If you have to offer lavish gifts to get someone to play your game, then you failed at making it fun.

Overall: NanoQuest gets credit for attempting to appeal to science teachers, but aside from the museum “level” this game has no educational value unless you’re supposed to be teaching either patience or how not to design a game. Come to think of it, this entire production is comparable to the demos seen in commercials for Devry University’s game design class.

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

RFSHQ_noimageGame:
Waddles

Developer:
Flash Penguins

Genre:
MMORPG (minus both M’s, the O, the R, the P, and the G)

Platform:
PC

Released:
2007

So, you’re an aspiring young game designer. Your weapon of choice: GameMaker. So what do you do? A remake? Perhaps something new and original? No. The best answer is a terrible single player version of a mediocre money sink! At least that’s what the idea is if you’re Rod Rego, creator of the alleged game Waddles.

Getting started is simple enough. Follow the string of no fewer than five “DOWNLOAD WADDLES” links from the Flash Penguins website and open the EXE file! Once the viruses and porn advertisements are installed, you’ll get to enter your name. The opening screen greets you with some crappy upbeat music which loops poorly and likes to cut out. This should have been a warning sign.

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Here I start maturely and pick the most masculine name I can think of. Waddles graphics are surprisingly high quality, as in not MS Paint. This means that Rod Rego probably didn’t make them. The game features many (eight) ways to customize your penguin. Three hats, two colors, and the option to wear a shirt or a paper bag. The fun never ends! The so-called game also features the Coins system of Club Penguin, however there are only two things to buy, and they don’t seem to cost anything. This bring us to the methods of making the money, even though the 200 you start with is more than enough. There are exactly two games: First, click seagulls as they fly by. This is like a really awful version of Duck Hunt in which there’s no dog, you can’t miss, and there are infinite bullets and ducks. The second is far more boring but the premise is a little unsettling. This time you rapidly click a tree until a log flashes in the window for one second and you’re given fifty coins. Then it stops working. Excitement! Lets move on.

Perhaps its worth mentioning the controls. While its possible to move your penguin about, its completely unnecessary as you can just click the things around you. In fact, there only three instances the player is ever required to touch the arrow keys and that’s to enter the movie theater, the horrors of which must be discussed, the cafe you start in, and the world’s loneliest dance club. The theater has more content than the rest of the game, and it only contains a fan-made commercial for Club Penguin. Too bad that doesn’t work properly either.

The commercial is an external WMV file that GameMaker, the source coding of Waddles, has extreme difficulty streaming. The audio skips like mad and the default style Windows Movie Maker text inserts don’t help. It assaults every sense, even somehow causing a foul stench to arise from depths unknown. It’s about two minutes long, but you’ll regret watching it ten seconds in. The picture is compressed so badly that trying to identify what exactly that orange blob you’re looking at is doing is impossible. Words cannot describe how horrendous this movie is, but the credits sequence is almost as long as the commercial itself. Some of the in-game text is mostly visible and the first scene is a bunch of blobs standing around doing nothing with the text bubble “This game is fun!” above them. Oh, for that to be true.

This was supposed to be a game review but that would require a game instead of a ten minute long Powerpoint presentation. Ten minutes is stretching it though, it takes less than a minute to explore each of the games locations and less than a second to become bored with them. How this took longer than twenty minutes of time in GameMaker is anyones guess. Interestingly, the credits to the game contain around twenty beta testers which is odd considering it should be impossible for a pre-alpha game to have a beta. Another thing, attempting to launch the game a second time resulted in an error which crashes the game. This probably got missed because there’s no reason to ever play it again. In the end Waddles is less fun than your average four-function calculator and should be avoided at all costs.

kraZy’s Final Words:
Graphics: Not horrible, I guess.

Controls: CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK

Gameplay: What gameplay? Nothing happened.

Replay Value: It wouldn’t launch a second time, so my computer knows more than me.

Overall: This space intentionally left blank.

– kraZy

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

2006harrypotterjellybeans

This is gonna be one of THOSE days.

You know, I’m not really one to buy into promotional tie-ins and whatnot, since most of those are relatively short lived as it is. However one promotional that has withstood the test of time, and even been added to frequently, are those Harry Potter-themed jelly beans manufactured by the Jelly Belly Company. Normally I love their products; they make Dr. Pepper flavored jelly beans, among other awesome confectioneries. These Potter Beans, as I’ll call them, are a turn for the worse.

No, this is not a Photoshop. Yes, that  is  “bacon” in the top left, followed by “black pepper” and “booger”. We also have such grand flavors as “dirt”, “earthworm”, “earwax”, “grass” (not marijuana, mind you), “rotten egg”, “sardine”, “soap”, and the bulimic’s favorite: “vomit“. Whoever thought this was a good idea deserves to be shot right now. Furthermore, who even taste-tested these things, and how many times?

“Nope, this doesn’t taste enough like throw-up; add more of those rotten egg and bacon jelly beans into it.”

If you haven’t caught on by now, I am once again taking off the bulletproof vest of being a totally seriou Internet tough guy to let society take low blows and purple nurples at their leisure. I’ll be covering the “bad” flavors in this package of treats and letting you know that vomit probably does taste like vomit, and I’m almost certain after tasting the fake vomit flavor the real thing won’t be too far behind. Each bean will be rated by their appearance, smell (if any), flavor (realism), and aftertaste, along with a final score to summarize each of them.

Bacon
Appearance:  It’s like an intestine colored bean with white spots. Probably what Dick Cheney’s arteries look like.
Smell:  It smells just like fresh bacon bits for a baked potato or an egg omelet. In other words, it smells like breakfast which is not a bad thing.
Flavor:  It resembles bacon indeed… burnt bacon that was cooked in brown sugar. Tasted fine for a while but then it got bad.
Aftertaste:  It tastes like I ate straight brown sugar. Disgusting.
Rating:  3/10

Black Pepper
Appearance:  It looks like a robot bean. It’s grey with dark grey spots all over it. This must be candy for those robots that build cars.
Smell:  Ach-oo!
Flavor:  It tastes like a mixture of pepper, black licorice, and water sealant. Not good at all and of course it’s sweet.
Aftertaste:  I just ate a mouthful of sawdust.
Rating:  3/10

Booger
Appearance:  It’s like a high-contrast bean, one that was painted by a 5 year old in Windows 3.1 Paintbrush. Lime green with brown spots.
Smell:  Odorless… unless of course I’m used to the smell of my own by now?
Flavor:  I was never the nerd in kindergarten that ate his boogers, but now I have to wonder what the hell was wrong with that kid. This tastes like spearmint bubble gum that someone took a crap on.
Aftertaste:  Rubber bands.
Rating:  2/10

Dirt
Appearance:  I guess they wanted it to look like a rock or something because it’s dirt. Brown with black spots.
Smell:  Odorless.
Flavor:  You know that smell of the floral/garden department of Wal-Mart? It tastes like that.
Aftertaste:  I can’t get the taste of savings and low low prices out of my mouth.
Rating:  2/10

Earthworm
Appearance:  It’s like Dirt’s younger and uglier brother. Red with black spots.
Smell:  It smells of garlic and rotting fruit.
Flavor:  One bite, tasted like utter death and Fear Factor.
Aftertaste:  I don’t know, by now I had grated my tongue off.
Rating:  0/10

Earwax
Appearance:  Earwax does a nice job of disguising itself as a Cafe Latte flavor bean… but I am on to you, Earwax. You and your cream colored skin.
Smell:  Odorless.
Flavor:  It tastes like a banana covered in salt. Not disgusting, but not the greatest thing ever either.
Aftertaste:  It’s like Donkey Kong’s banana hoard in my mouth.
Rating:  7/10

Grass
Appearance:  Trying to imitate Green Apple, Grass is a light green. Nothing fancy… it’s the minimalist bean.
Smell:  Like a football field, fresh cut.
Flavor:  It’s like chewing a mouthful of sweet lettuce. Not the greatest thing ever.
Aftertaste:  Umm, play ball!
Rating:  5/10

Rotten Egg
Appearance:  This has got to be the most menacing candy that I have ever seen. It’s huge, irregularly shaped, and is a pale yellow with blotches of green that are actually raised on the surface.
Smell:  It smells like Bacon’s companion to a great breakfast. Something tells me tomorrow I am not going to want to eat breakfast.
Flavor:  Imagine you tried eating an uncooked egg that’s been sitting on the counter for a few months; yeah it’s kind of like that.
Aftertaste:  Indescribable pain.
Rating:  -Infinity/10

Sardine
There were no Sardine beans present in this box.

Soap
Appearance:  It’s a cute little baby blue bean with little bubbles that are on the surface. It becomes ugly, though, when I remember this goes in my mouth.
Smell:  Smells like clean!
Flavor:  I just let out a string of profanities and this is what happens. This shit cleans better than Orbit gum.
Aftertaste:  I’m never swearing in my lifetime ever again.
Rating:  2/10

Vomit
Appearance:  The piece de résistance. The ominous circus peanut orange speckled with blood red.
Smell:  The scent of sickness.
Flavor:  Yup, that’s authentic alright. If I ate pure cane sugar and threw up, that’s what it would taste like.
Aftertaste:  OH GOD GET THIS OUT OF MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW.
Rating:  FUCK YOU

No amount of real jelly beans or Dr. Pepper could rid my mouth of this horrible assortment of tastes and as I write this my stomach is performing an interpretive dance to Rage Against The Machine. Some of these flavors I think are actually discussed in the Geneva Convention and if I recall correctly I believe several Japanese soldiers tested these beans on unsuspecting civilians in Unit 731. I would have preferred my arms be frozen and then smashed to pieces than eating these beans.

Hell, I’d rather have been the poor soul in the compression chamber.

Either way, I am fairly certain my digestive tract is about as angry with me as an enraged housewife who missed American Idol, so while you bask in the warm light of Internet comedy, I’ll be in the bathroom performing an action one of these beans was named after.

No, not bacon.

– Dracophile