[Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on RFSHQ.com on May 13th, 2007. It was re-written and posted to GatorAIDS in 2010, the article below is the GatorAIDS version.]
My job as a game columnist is to be able to play games, take screenshots or other footage of said games, and then blast the holy hell out of them. This is incredibly easy to do when it comes to using console emulators on a computer and the first time I was made aware of them in middle school started a fire that’ll likely burn the rest of my life. Emulation is a godsend for those of us who want to play classic video games but either A) cannot afford to spend $50 for The Legend of Zelda on eBay, B) don’t feel like blowing into a cartridge ten times, or C) both A and B except instead of Zelda the game is Action 52. My answer choice is C. There is a certain threshold however wherein at some point playing console games with a QWERTY keyboard becomes cumbersome and difficult and the Nintendo 64 marked this point by featuring a controller with an analog stick, a D-pad, a trigger, two shoulder buttons, and six face buttons all wrapped up in a design that required at least three hands to hold.
Certain retailers online have been offering USB interfaces for use with authentic console controllers for years but it was only at this particular time that I discovered I really needed one. After some shopping around that consisted of me looking for the absolute cheapest deal on eBay and nothing else I found an adapter that would suit my needs perfectly. For reasons unknown it is colloquially known as the “Boom Adapter” and features support for not only a Nintendo 64 controller but a PlayStation one as well, you know, for all of those times I say “you know what would make Super Mario 64 better? Some Spyro the Dragon.” I was floored because just prior to mashing the BUY IT NOW button I had downloaded an entire Blockbuster Video’s worth of games to play and I eagerly awaited my package; however when the actual box arrived I tore it open only to stare into a portable version of Hell itself. As I gazed into the abyss, this gazed back.
If the suffering of mankind could be summarized in just one picture (and with a smattering of broken English for good measure) this was it. What had I gotten myself into? What exactly is going on with this box? Furthermore why in the hell does this even include a floppy disk? Does anybody even use those anymore? Why all the colors? Why the Comic Sans MS font? Why? Why? WHY? “Highly compatibility”? “Extra stable”? The box provided more questions than answers so I did the only rational thing I could think of. I flipped it over and read the back.
In hindsight I don’t really know why I flipped the box over. I guess I was hoping the other side would say “haha just kidding” and would have instructions and details printed in perfect fucking English… but no, just the same wacky show except with even more graphics for added redundancy. (You mean that with this PSX+N64 converter I can actually use PSX and N64 controllers?!) It’s like the people (or person most likely) that put this together has no understanding of how either console works; I know of no Dance Dance Revolution pad that plugs into the Nintendo 64. Why bother explaining how you don’t need a power source for this device — why would you need one to begin with? It’s an over-glorified plug converter not a god damn multi-port hub. You just plug it in, that’s what “Plug & Play” actually means. There is no reason to complicate it and there is absolutely no way that I believed the phrase “Plug & Play” when I saw it.
Scanning the back of the box I finally find the system requirements and much to my dismay it appears I have the completely wrong operating system for this thing; I don’t have “Eindows 95”. Not all hope is lost, though, because for what I don’t have (Eindows) I make up for by having about forty-eight USB ports so the “any USB port” requirement is satisfied. If I can meet this adapter halfway perhaps it can compromise too and only let me use one of the two adapter ports (Nintendo 64 please).
Against my better judgment I opened the box and pulled out the translucent blue adapter and with it came a purple floppy disk; the kind you can buy in a 50-pack at Office Depot. The vendor I bought this from guaranteed this was indeed a “Plug & Play” device so I plugged my controller into the adapter and plugged the adapter into my computer and… wait for it… nothing happened. There’s a little diode and a switch on the side of the adapter so maybe it just wasn’t on the correct setting. I fooled with the switch and watched the little light go from red to green and back to red again as I turned it left to right. From what I collected green is “not working” mode and red is “not working even more than green” mode. I tried using another program to map the controller buttons to the keyboard but it was no use, the adapter lay silent and deaf much like the 14-year-old child laborer who probably assembled it.
Desperate for help I went to the last available place I could think of to fix my problem: the dreaded purple floppy disk of death. Knowing full well if the adapter didn’t work at all there was a solid chance that putting this disk into my computer may actually send it back in time. Contained on the diskette was a worthless configuration file made for Windows (Eindows) 98 and a readme file in Microsoft Word. I knew that opening the readme was a dumb idea but I did it anyway just for the hell of it if not for actual help by this point. Upon opening the file I was greeted with painfully generic instructions telling me that the adapter should have been recognized immediately along with some other equally worthless tips that include, and I quote:
“But we STRONGLY SUGGEST you to download the Microsoft DirectX 8.1 and install this Microsoft driver, it’s best solution for you! Your computer can automatic detect ALL the USB convertor / USB joypad / USB steering wheel ……etc!”
“If you have installed the OLD version DirectX before, you can use this DirectX Uninstall Software – ” DirectX Buster V2.1 Beta 4 ” to uninstall your old version DirectX then reinstall the newest version late.”
“When you have installed the DirectX 8.1 already but your SONY joypad is not working well, it’s your SONY joypad compatible cause, please replace another brand PS joypad to test it again.”
And finally at the very bottom of the document I find this:
“BUT for the N64 joypad, isn’t ALL joypad can working steady since the structure of N64 joypad is very complex, so we can’t 100% guarantee your N64 joypad can 100% work.”
Even they admit the Nintendo 64 controller is fucking insane and use it as the scapegoat for why their adapter is nothing more than a glorified drink coaster. Despite all of this they were nice enough to end this document quite ironically with something that should have been emblazoned on the front of the fucking box:
“You have to think over it before you decide to buy this device.”
Well gee, thanks a lot you assholes. Before you advise me to not buy your product I have to actually buy your product first. I could go on and on about how that kind of recursive loop could destroy the space/time continuum but instead I think I’ll just unplug this godforsaken “adapter” and fix a wobbly table with it. In the end I got shafted out of a total of $15 for a piece of crap that I didn’t want to pay a lot of money for. This fixed absolutely zero of my problems so I decided to pony up the money and spent $35 on an Adaptoid. It’s made in the USA and wouldn’t you know, the second I plugged it in my computer said “hey you’re doing something with a game controller aren’t you? Let me help you with that.” My computer is so friendly.
Fuck you, Boom Adapter.
[Editor’s Note: This is a collection of the best parts of the “BattleBots Update” column from RFSHQ focusing on the second season of the show. Dracophile’s four-year tenure with RFSHQ ended before he was able to finish the column so the archive abruptly ends in the middle of the season.]
Season one came to a close with a mix of destructive and torque-filled machines taking the championships in the four different weight classes. We learned that destruction seemed to be the key to winning the lighter classes while simply being able to over power your opponent was the way to claim the heavier championships. History was made, yadda yadda etcetera etcetera; I think we’ve pulled that string enough times here on RFSHQ. This debut episode from “Season 2.0” is a little peculiar; there was only one battle (Tentomushi taking the “pilot” fight once again) and the majority of the promotional episode was taken up by showing us the new (and rebuilt) competitors. I feel that it would be appropriate to have our little commentary session over the upgrades compared to season one, and of course the play by play of the debut fight. The first “upgrade” (read: downgrade) to the show that we get to see (and also one that doesn’t fit anywhere else in this article) is Donna D’Errico’s replacement; Heidi Mark, the first step of many in what would eventually kill the show’s ratings…
The New Robots
Team Delta is back, surprisingly without Middleweight champion Hazard (why they did this I have no ide, usually the reigning champion returns to defend its fucking title). Instead we have the eerie voice of Tony Buchignani showing us War Machine, a Superheavyweight robot covered in wheels; and Evil Fish tank, a Lightweight four wheel drive machine with a flipping ramp. Bill Nye shows up with the Scrap Daddy team from Austin, Texas to show the world the most underappreciated and cursed team in the history of BattleBots. Scrap Daddy has a robot for every class with minimal change between designs. They have a Lightweight (Little Boot), a Middleweight (Junior), Bradford himself introduces the Heavyweight (Bad Boy), and a Superheavyweight (Big Daddy). While they look somewhat formidable… well, you’ll see in coming weeks. You’ll laugh at them but deep down you’ll feel sorry about it. At least they tried.
You might recognize Jerome Miles, or maybe not because he has different hair this time. If I said “Knome II” then you’d know who I’m talking about. It seems the Heavyweight bulldozer gave its last breath of life to Mauler in the season one Heavyweight rumble and was replaced by a much more effective looking lifting clamp named Sublime. Sublime looks incredibly powerful (and showcases some interesting choices of armor) and believe it or not, it’s a Lightweight! Next up in the Lightweight division is Scrap Metal (not to be confused with Scrap Daddy) whose driver, “Wolfy” (furry?) informs us that we should “watch out”. Perhaps they should heed that advice, watch carefully in the clip of the robot they show; you can see the ominous whirling blades of Ziggo in the background. Oh my. Derek Young brings his smiling “hit you after the bell ha ha” face back along with his new robot Complete Control. Complete Control functions like Sublime, it’s a gripper that completely lifts its opponent off the ground (hence the name).
A couple fresh out of Hot Topic brings the appropriately named El Diablo into the fray, a menacing looking Middleweight toting tank tracks, a spinning drum (the first we’ve seen in BattleBots), and a nice pitchfork wedge in the back. “General” Morgan Tilford and his frighteningly insane demeanor is back along with a completely rebuilt Mauler “51-50” which we see in the preview clip blowing itself to pieces and becoming unstable. Poor Mauler. Norm Muzzy is a computer-oriented looking kinda guy who has a rather unremarkable Heavyweight that kind of looks like the racecar bed I had when I was four. While this is nothing to get antsy about the dude had the balls to name it “Marvel Of Engineering”. An unnamed disembodied voice chimes in for a five second introduction of the giant “leveolution weapons of mass construction” (what the hell) of Superheavyweight One Tin Soldier. Bill Nye’s overexcited personality emerges onto the screen again with Atomic Wedgie, a Superheavyweight wedge with tank tracks and some wicked spinning trefoils which our resident Science Guy affectionately calls “the spinning blades of death”.
The New Arena
We’re introduced to the arena first by means of the man behind the operations, Peter Lambertson. I’m not sure if that creepy Hitler/Satan looking guy is him or not, but when the camera finally cuts to Pete he looks like a regular old grandfatherly figure except instead of giving you wisdom or a Werther’s candy he hits you in the face with a sledgehammer. Speaking of hammers the first remodeled hazard we get to see are the Pulverizers. The sledgehammers were rather unmentionable in the first season because they were completely ineffective and the only notable damage they did was ruin one of the “WINNER” stickers on the side of Killerhurtz. These new hammers, though, they are something special. Even though they are actually hollow cans on a stick they’re certainly a step in the right direction. We get a short taste of the carnage by seeing Middleweight RA, Heavyweight Mjollnir, and Lightweight Scrap Daddy LW 55 (remember what I said) take some shots to the chin courtesy of the Pulverizer. Me likey.
New to season two are the Spinners which do exactly what their name implies. Spinners are discs in the floor that spin at a high speed and are meant to disorient robots. We see the other half of that Mauler clip where the dangerous spinner flips out like crazy (“The Mauler Dance”) and rolls over. The Killsaws, a staple in BattleBots history by now, also got a facelift. There are some new red blades that are meant to help throw and toss robots around. No Tolerance III (the stomper bot) gets up close with the Slam-Cam while Toe Crusher gets some airtime. Marvel Of Engineering shows up and demonstrates the exact opposite of what it’s name suggests as it is completely and utterly destroyed by the Killsaws. Yes that is wood for armor; a “marvel” indeed. Bill Nye inquires about what the arena walls are made from, and when he gets his answer from Pete the giddy scientist just can’t help himself as he gleefully kicks and slaps at the walls.
Gambling On New Robots
Because BattleBots is taking place in Las Vegas of course someone is going to find a way to bet money on this event. I don’t care about the gambling aspect so much as I do care about getting to see some cool new entries and some returning favorites. The definitely non-Native American casino owner starts out with the Superheavyweight class and at the top of the odds is returning champion Minion sporting a brand new set of armor and of course a replacement saw blade. DooAll, who lost to Minion in season one’s finals, is back as well sporting a rebuilt pneumatic system and shiny new tank tracks; also new to DooAll this season are the two front bulldozer scoops. Rammstein makes a reappearance showing its toughness by letting the entire build team stand on top of it. The Superheavyweight “ranked” fourth in wagers is Snake. Snake is a bizarre looking alien/worm/Borg hybrid thing built by the same guy who entered Mechadon in the first tournament; his creations just get weirder and weirder. Everyone’s favorite Heavyweight champion Vlad The Imapler is back showing absolutely no change at all; it’s so popular the betting has landed on even money – if it wins and you bet on him, you’ll make a grand total of $0 back on your money. What a great deal! Voltarc ditched its old Power Rangers-sounding name for Voltronic which now sounds like a hilariously awesome 1980’s cartoon. Not much can be seen on the outside of Voltronic, it’s still a wedge but you may notice there are some wheel guards and two extra teeth added to its lifting arm.
After persevering against Mauler in season one Killerhurtz is back and looks to be ready to take down the opposition with that powerful battle axe (as long as it keeps away from the Killsaws). Out of nowhere (Japan, actually) is this robot called Iron Eagle, an extremely compact looking wedge toting an almost hidden looking lifting arm. Moving onto the Middleweights is Deadblow (not “Dead Blow”) which is taking top bets as Hazard is nowhere to be seen. Not much has been done to Deadblow but for their sake let’s hope their hammer doesn’t blow up on them again. The Master, a robot who writes its own dick jokes, is a newcomer to BattleBots from Mark Setrakian (Mechadon, Snake) and seems to be much more cut-back instead of a nightmarish crawling/rolling/writhing mass of metal. Blade Runner returns with its powerful one punch knock out weapon absolutely covered in sponsorship stickers; I guess advertisers like that one big “thump” that disables people in a single blow. Last in the list of Middleweights is the seemingly misplaced Buddy Lee Don’t Play In The Street which looks like a Cabbage Patch fire truck doll that got dangerously lost. The adorable fire truck is sporting absolutely no weapons at all, Dalmatian puppies, wooden ladders, and all sorts of other fun bits that I just want to call “hazard fodder”.
The Lightweights are some of my personal favorites and of course Backlash is back to defend its title against everyone else who thinks they can get a free ride. Right behind Backlash is Ziggo, a dangerous full body spinner that can kill you in a single blow as long as you don’t bash it into the wall really hard. Beta Raptor is the reincarnation of last season’s Alpha Raptor who was absolutely destroyed by Backlash in the finals. Beta Raptor has a lot to prove and returns to the tournament sporting a new lifting arm design and what appears to be no top armor. For some reason, and I don’t know why, people are still going insane over Tentomushi which is now 100% more Japanese with the addition of “Mecha” into its name. Mecha Tentomushi has a giant fishing hook in place of the grinder disc from season one. Why anyone on the team thought this was a good idea is beyond me, the better solution would have been to either fix the broken saw from season one or find a weapon that doesn’t suck.
The British Invasion
Also new to this tournament is a slew of English robots (from England no less). First on the list is the CO2 eating monster Bigger Brother which appears to be the vicious offspring of the Aggro Crag. Bigger Brother is operated by a rather sane looking family and an embarrassingly cute little kid who doesn’t look bloodthirsty at all (oh but he is). He also coined the BattleBots catchphrase “the robot’s not allowed in the house”. Suicidal Tendencies is the robot for the emo in all of us. This invertible tracked terror has a lifting bulldozer scoop and a little almost invisible pick that comes out from the top of the robot to get some extra damage in. Panic Attack 3 is a popular robot in the Robot Wars circuit and is here in the States to try its luck in BattleBots. Panic Attack 3 is a very low speedbump (with the colors to match) armed with electric lifting forks instead of your regular hydraulic or pneumatic power that we usually see. We’ll see how this new form of power works out for them, if it works at all. The next robot you see appears to be unnamed, but it’s actually Mortis, an expensive machine that functions similar to Suicidal Tendencies. Mortis has a lifting arm and a striking hammer to both lift and then smash its opponents into oblivion. Killerhurtz isn’t mentioned but you can see its driver hanging out in the background and also see one of the drunken Englishmen try to ride it around.
So what have we learned from this interesting little segment? The Brits really fucking love their flippers and hammers.
Bigger Brother vs. Mauler 51-50
During that quick little British robot segment from the season two promo/pilot episode we got to see a little bit of Bigger Brother who happens to be a formidable Robot Wars competitor when it’s not poking around in North America. I cannot describe Bigger Brother any better than I did in the previous BattleBots Update article: “the vicious offspring of the Aggro Crag”. Mauler on the other hand looks completely different for the second season. The whole design is shorter and a bit more aerodynamic to maximize the speed of its weapon, not to mention its new paint job is tearing all kinds of ass all over the arena. Bil Dwyer just can’t seem to keep it in his pants that Mauler is back, but I guess if he had watched the pre-season trailer episode he would know not to be too excited.
Bigger Brother initially starts to come toward Mauler with its lifting forks but pulls a 180 and opts instead to try and back into Mauler to slow it down. Mauler’s spinning disc is spinning at its maximum speed (said to be seven times faster) when it digs into the back end of Bigger Brother as Bil Dwyer gives a preemptive “AW MAN” out of excitement. Bigger Brother’s plan was to slow down the spinning weapon of Mauler gradually and then come in with the flipper but really this one hit is all that was needed. If you watch carefully you can see one of Mauler’s metal flails go flying off across the arena and as the robot continues to spin it becomes off balanced. In a matter of seconds Mauler goes from vibrating vigorously to spinning up like a flicked coin and rolls back down onto its top as the chassis begins to spin wildly.
Mauler landed inches away from the new Pulverizer, so to help him get acquainted with it Bigger Brother plows the spinner into the hammer. I don’t think any actual serious blows are landed but Mauler starts to smolder anyways, probably from burning out its electronics trying to spin while upside down. Judging by the stuff bouncing around inside of it while Bigger Brother tries flipping it, the force of spinning pulled the internals of Mauler apart, a truly fucking metal ending for a robot fitting the description. Take note of where Mauler was spinning upside down, because the bolts on top of the spinner reduced that spot of the arena to mere gravel.
Snake vs. War Machine
Okay, seriously Snake scares the fuck out of me. It doesn’t even look like a BattleBot, it looks like a giant novelty version of some brain-boring mind control creature from The Matrix or something. The thing is so huge it’s bigger than the square it starts in. Snake’s weapon is what appears to be a giant spinning ass (a tail) and the ability to “open wide” (with its mouth not its ass you sick fuck). War Machine is literally the complete opposite of the insanely designed Snake. War Machine took the minimalist route and is a giant box covered in wheels and one giant sheet of metal for a wedge (and two pieces of wood that serve no purpose whatsoever).
The fight begins and War Machine literally is just like “what the fuck are you serious” as Snake starts to bend and contort and flop towards War Machine. Aside from looking like a snake that someone just struck with the blade-end of a shovel snake almost looks a little bit lifelike and as War Machine tries to decide how to attack there is this brilliant pose Snake strikes that gives it that “alive” touch. It bends towards War Machine, starts spinning its drill, and opens up its jaw. If the thing would have roared I’d have shit my pants. War Machine actually backs off a bit but then decides “well what the hell” and charges straight at Snake hitting it in the stomach and pushing it into the wall. Snake tries to writhe away from the wall but War Machine continues the attack, and much like a real-life snake Snake begins to emit smoke and sparks from its abdomen. Snake appears to not be functional anymore (maybe its appendix ruptured) but springs back to life somewhat after War Machine rams it again.
Snakes movements go from being mobile to what looks to be writhing in pain. Snake’s design is just a little bit oddly shaped so War Machine seems to have trouble really getting a hold of it with its ramp. War Machine eventually gets Snake over to the Pulverizer which begins to pound on one of the robot’s teeth and Snake decides to try and ingest the Pulverizer (probably to try and assimilate with it and use it as a weapon who knows what kind of crazy shit is built into that thing). We get to see a shot of Mark Setrakian trying to control his cold steel reptile and the remote for that thing looks like a stolen prototype controller from that Steel Battalion game (you know that one where the giant robots fuck each other). Snake is mercifully counted out while Dan Dankick gives the camera a “yeah I just totally got an easy win” look.
Toe Crusher vs. No Tolerance III
Toe Crusher is a fun new robot from Team Coolrobots, the team who entered last season’s Superheavyweight champion Minion. They brought along a little friend to enter in the Lightweight division in the form of a quick overhead thwack-bot with go-kart tires. Toe Crusher is like a miniature version of Overkill, in order to attack the robot needs to swing its blade by going into reverse or it can attack using its front wedge, which appears to be of a higher quality than what Overkill was toting last season. What worries me about Toe Crusher however is the internals are pretty much wide open for the Killsaws to shred; the little black things you see on the top and bottom of the robot are its drive motors – completely exposed to attack. No Tolerance III is a returning entry from last season. We never saw much of No Tolerance but if you go back to the Lightweight rumble you’ll notice that it’s the one that looks like a monster truck with a hammer on it. This new version of No Tolerance is a complete rebuild and a totally new design. Utilizing the extra weight bonus of being a walker the team created a fucking giant walking robot armed with a linear actuated lifting plow and a small cutting disc. Remember when I said how big the robot squares are? Look at how much of it is taken up by No Tolerance III. Yeah, that is a big Lightweight.
It’s really hard for me to explain just how fucking goofy No Tolerance III looks when it starts to walk but if I had to come up with something I’d say “retarded poodle with six legs”. No Tolerance III takes about two steps before it actually trips over the weight of its own weapon. Toe Crusher really has an easy win if it can manage to stop running into the spike strip and actually land a hit, but if it keeps doing that well then it looks like the bizarre monster-truck-turned-stomper robot is going to be the one with the “easy win”; perhaps No Tolerance III is trying to cash in on that “Pressure Drop voodoo” magic by having six legs and an ineffective weapon. At one point in the match Toe Crusher is actually incapacitated on the spike strip and if No Tolerance III would have left it alone it actually would have won the match; however the drivers decide to land in a hit with that absolutely terrible “cutting disc” of theirs and Toe Crusher is knocked away from the wall and proceeds to grip the walker by the metaphorical neck and drag it around for a bit. By this point in the fight No Tolerance III hasn’t even been able to leave its square yet, and when it tries to walk around it trips once again and Toe Crusher seizes the moment to punch its opponent in the face with its stick.
No Tolerance III is finally able to start hobbling away and gets a little too close to the Killsaws. Toe Crusher seems to forget about its exposed naughty bits and tries to break some legs but is rejected by the arena hardware and does a nice little somersault off of them (I’d give it a 7/10 for style). While Bill Nye’s face appears on the screen to tell us why Toe Crusher just got launched No Tolerance III makes the mistake of walking dangerously close to the saw blades and opens itself up for some easy hits. If there’s one thing that No Tolerance III has going for it though, it’s that its legs make it incredibly difficult to push around; the stomper actually has more traction than the go kart tires of Toe Crusher so as long as its feet are on the ground it becomes a hard object to shov. Toe Crusher wedges up underneath the rear end of No Tolerance III and gets in a lucky shot that hooks its train spike into one of the leg mechanisms. Toe Crusher starts to furiously try and back up to drag the limping walker onto the saws but ends up misjudging the time it takes for the saws to work and gets tossed again. Toe Crusher skips on the whole hammer thing and comes out with its wedge and effectively slides No Tolerance III right onto the saws which cut clear through one of the legs of the robot.
The front left leg of No Tolerance III is a frequent target of Toe Crusher and with one final slam Toe Crusher shatters the walking mechanism of No Tolerance III. If there was ever an example of a pathetic beaten-up looking robot it’s a battle between the broken Snake and the broken No Tolerance III. No Tolerance III has six legs, and with just one of them broken the entire robot becomes top heavy and is completely incapacitated right back over by the blue square that it never really managed to get away from. Normally when someone is broken against the wall they’re left alone to die but Toe Crusher isn’t having any of that, it’s busy grabbing No Tolerance III by the neck and slamming it in the face. As expected, the judges give the fight to Toe Crusher (who has now advanced in rank to Leg Breaker).
Buddy Lee Don’t Play In The Street vs. Turbo
Buddy Lee is without a doubt the strangest robot that I’ve seen, and yes I’m going to use this term again after using it to describe both Snake and No Tolerance III in the same episode. Buddy Lee doesn’t even look like a conventional BattleBot; there is no weapon, a Cabbage Patch doll at the wheel, and the truck bed is full of Dalmatian puppies and ladders. It looks kind of like if Toy Story was real and somehow became bloodthirsty enough to enter in BattleBots. In quite possibly the greatest mismatch in BattleBots history Buddy Lee’s opponent is Turbo, a hellacious full body spinner similar to the likes of Mauler and Ziggo. Turbo is very nondescript and resembles a 1970’s UFO with two blades on the body. When those blades (“sweet knockers”) get spinning to top speed, well, it looks like we’ll see some fur and flesh flying.
Immediately Bil Dwyer is “smellin’ massacre” as Buddy Lee almost crawls out of the red square and seems a bit disoriented while Turbo is already on the prowl. Buddy Lee begins to back away from the spinner until it stops and slowly starts to drive forward. Taking advice from Nightmare last season, Buddy Lee tries to absorb the impact of the spinner with one of its wheels, but only manages to take damage and start dumping dogs out of the back of the truck (to which the 101 Dalmatian jokes begin). Buddy Lee begins to actually try and ram into Turbo but because of the fact that there are still decorations all over the robot Turbo is able to keep racking up damage points by stripping off the wooden ladders and sending another dog rolling out of the truck. A particularly big impact sends both robots bouncing back in opposite directions but doesn’t seem to have a noticeable effect on either one aside from the final dog tumbling out of Buddy Lee’s insane PeTA enraging truck of death.
The front right tire of Buddy Lee begins to fall apart and the tread becomes all bent up and crooked but it doesn’t seem to affect the mobility of the robot at all;,not even after Turbo inevitably rips the tread off. Buddy Lee is still a mobile threat and doesn’t even seem to really notice that it is indeed missing an entire wheel. While backing into Turbo Buddy Lee loses its tailgate (which Dwyer mistakenly calls a wedge) but alas, that was just the last of the cosmetic damage available to reap from Buddy Lee. Strangely, Buddy Lee seems to come alive when it takes obscene amounts of damage like we’ve seen here. Turbo seems to have lost most of its power though, so it appears that underneath Buddy Lee’s seemingly inappropriate appearance lied some kind of insane battering ram; childish in appearance, but a bulldozer at heart. In an unprecedented turn of events, Buddy Lee managed to dilute the spinning Turbo in a close judge’s decision. Yes, you heard me right. The fucking fire truck won.
ChinKilla vs. Ginsu
Okay remember that thing about “weirdest robot ever”? Forget everything I said. ChinKilla wins the award for craziest fucking robot ever. Jay Leno managed to turn his giant shovel of a chin into a giant pneumatic lifting-shovel with a caricature of his face on it. I have no idea what the spinning blades of death are for but frankly the entire robot is just a little bit unsettling. Ginsu is a returning competitor from the first season and frankly I love what the team did to it. In season one you may recall Ginsu was a box covered in saw blades that started to fall apart with chains and axles hanging out all over the place. What was the solution for this in season two? Add more saws, add more chains, and add more axles. They effectively turned Ginsu into a rolling monster truck from the Home Depot.
Humor me for just a moment please and pay close attention to how many hits it takes until there are chains already hanging from Ginsu’s drive system. Did you catch it? It took one hit, one fucking hit, not even a big hit and there’s already substantial drive train damage done to Ginsu. Ginsu, who is literally made of Killsaws, takes a bit of hazard damage but is unaffected by its own weapon (however Jay Leno’s metallic chin is another story). You can see that two of the blades have already stopped working and are no longer functional and even ChinKilla is starting to show damage as two of its blades have become disabled as well. ChinKilla is getting close to rolling Ginsu over and does so using the flexibility of Ginsu’s wheels to its advantage. With a few bumps from the Hellraisers and a smack from Leno’s blades of death Ginsu is back on its feet (saws?) and begins to terrorize the late night host’s face once again.
ChinKilla is able to maneuver Ginsu over towards one of the Pulverizers which appears to be already broken and in the “down” position and wouldn’t you know Sean Salisbury decides this is as good of a time as any to have Bill Nye tell us how they work when we are clearly looking at an inoperable hazard. Ginsu seems to be designed to take on ChinKilla specifically as ChinKilla flips Ginsu but Ginsu’s crazy box design assures that it will always land on a set of wheels unless you tip it sideways. A bit disoriented, likely because of the damage done to all of the chains, Ginsu gives a drunken charge at ChinKilla, misses, hits the wall, and flips over and onto the aforementioned broken Pulverizer. After brutally bending and ripping the Pulverizer away from the wall ChinKilla is able to free Ginsu much to the delight of Jay Leno who expresses interest in kissing the seizure prone samurai wannabe. In the last few seconds of the fight Ginsu, while dragging more chains than an emo 14 year old on a Linkin Park message board, manages to pull off one of the coolest self righting maneuvers in the show’s history. After being tipped over by ChinKilla one last time, Ginsu starts to do donuts on its saw blade tires and actually rolls itself back over.
This isn’t the last we will see of ChinKilla, but for this season this hilarious novelty bot sits the remainder of the tournament out.
Scrap Daddy LW 55 vs. Ziggo
It’s not nice to make fun of Scrap Daddy — you have to give them credit for trying — but holy shit this has to be one of the greatest mismatches in the history of the show. Scrap Daddy LW 55 is an extremely under-armored robot that has two giant drive motors sticking out from both sides and an exposed motorcycle engine running a saw blade. For any other fight this robot would be kind of formidable if not a little bit stupid looking. It just so happens that for the enjoyment of you and me it was drawn to fight Ziggo. Ziggo has not changed much since season one; we didn’t get to see a lot of Ziggo in season one but just to jog your memory it’s a spinning road dot of death.
You have to wonder what kind of a drive system Scrap Daddy LW 55 has because whatever it is it doesn’t seem to work. The robot waddles out of its square at the beginning of the fight while Ziggo spins up to speed and eyes over its opponent, determining if this is going to be an easy win or not. The wide wheel base of Scrap Daddy LW 55 is letting it turn pretty easily so it’s able to keep its aluminum foil plow facing Ziggo… until Ziggo actually moves and blows apart the entire driving system of the feeble lightweight. This hit pretty much ruins Scrap Daddy LW 55’s day as it begins to get hung up on its own wheel fragments while Ziggo continues to ominously spin around in the background. Ziggo sizes up the danger and strikes again in the same damaged side of Scrap Daddy LW 55 completely ruining the internals of the robot and ripping out its motor mounts. This is what happens when you use zip ties and chewing gum to hold things in place.
Perhaps I was wrong about Scrap Daddy LW 55, as even after this severe bout of ass-kickery it is still hobbling around on one wheel until Ziggo comes in to finish the job and blows the robot right into the Pulverizer. Perhaps they should rename it to Scrap Daddy LW 20 after the amount of crap that fell off in that fight.
Voltronic vs. Bigger Brother
Voltronic looks awfully familiar doesn’t it? It’s actually last season’s Voltarc with a fancier name that screams “long live the eighties!” Most of Voltronic’s upgrades are external; the tires don’t show on top anymore and the crazy anti-self righting mechanism frame looks a bit more refined. One of the major changes is what was done to the robot’s weapon. Instead of one little tooth it has become a trident of three fangs to grab onto opponents more easily. Bigger Brother was last seen earlier this season when it convinced Mauler 51-50 to explode on contact and flip out of control. I last described it as a runaway prop from the set of Nickelodeon Guts, and I think I’ll stand by that description. Just add a lifting arm and you’re all set.
Bigger Brother might have a powerful arm in the realm of Robot Wars but one thing it doesn’t have is a good design. Bigger Brother is the perfect robot for Voltronic to fight. It’s not because Bigger Brother can throw Voltronic on it’s back and knock it out, but because there’s a goddamn lip around the robot’s perimeter which is perfect for the little teeth on Voltronic’s arm to take hold of. There’s the obligatory Killsaw trip and the referees tell Voltronic to let go of its opponent and let the fight continue. The battlecasters realize there’s not a whole lot going on so they keep harping on Bigger Brother being able to disable Mauler which is kind of lame since anything that wasn’t made of solid glass could have done what Bigger Brother did and be able to brag about it. Bigger Brother starts to drive all over the place, gets popped by some Hellraisers, and does donuts into the Killsaws. Bil Dwyer wonders why it isn’t as aggressive or controlled as it was earlier, and I’d have to say maybe it’s because the kid driving it is like 6 or 7 and Voltronic’s driver is some R/C obsessed 30 year old with a custom built controller that looks like something out of Perfect Dark.
When Voltronic gets a hold on Bigger Brother once again Sean Salisbury comes up with a brilliant line of commentary that “Stephen Felk knows exactly where they are”. What kind of a retard — who is looking directly at his own robot in the arena — would not know where they are? Maybe someone who’s blind and has a controller with Braille on it with a teammate shouting at him to turn left and right. A trip to the Pulverizer is in order, which doesn’t really seem to faze either robot when they get hit but once Bigger Brother gets away Voltronic lines up one giant cross-arena ram that throws the British machine onto its back and just to add insult to injury Voltronic uses its arm to hold it down for the remaining few seconds of the fight. Ian Watts looks devastated while Bil Dwyer pops off a couple of real douche comments.
Minion vs. Atomic Wedgie
It’s good to see Minion back this season. Aside from toting a brand new sturdy saw blade weapon it also has the ability to blind its opponents with WINNER stickers and shiny black Lexan armor. Atomic Wedgie is a robot that Bill Nye gave a quick breakdown of in the season two preview, but here it is in its first televised fight. Atomic Wedgie has two set of tank tracks and some insane bulletproof armor that’s probably taken from the side of a nuclear reactor or something. Atomic Wedgie’s main weapon is a set of dual spinning trefoils with little tips on the blades; I’m assuming the object is to get opponents up on the wedge and the dual tracks feed opponents into the spinners of death. We’ll see.
Minion is at a disadvantage because its front wedge has a ground clearance of about six miles. Atomic Wedgie has absolutely no problem getting underneath the reigning champion and landing in some nice blows to Minion’s wedge, bending it upwards and deflecting blows. Minion keeps on the attack even though Atomic Wedgie’s radioactive spinners blow the Lexan wedge apart seconds into the fight. The shot from Minion’s “slam cam” isn’t much better either, it looks like a three year old trying to play Motorstorm on the Playstation 3. Minion’s wedge is rendered useless and turns into some kind of welded cage to try and stop the spinners on Atomic Wedgie but it’s not really doing much and neither is that brand new shiny saw blade.
Minion is in panic mode because Atomic Wedgie has it beat in every possible category. In an effort to use the full force of the ability to tow three SUVs (from season one), Minion tries to blast through the arena wall and into the audience. Instead of escaping to the safety of the human shield Minion drives straight up the wall and onto its back. All six wheels and all of those horses rendered completely useless. Atomic Wedgie signifies that Minion is his bitch by getting in one last thwack with its spinning trefoils. That’s how you kill the reigning number one ranked champion. Christian Carlberg tries to laugh the loss off but honestly that poor guy has been completely fucked this entire season, he got his ass handed to him twice by people that he inspired into joining the sport. He’s gotta stop putting those helpful tutorials online or something.
Deadblow vs. Kegger
Last season Deadblow made it all the way to the finals where it lost to the misguided helicopter Hazard. Since Hazard is MIA from this tournament Deadblow was talked about as one of the serious contenders for the Middleweight title. Deadblow looks the same coming into its season 2 debut fight; most of the changes look like they were done to the weapon system which seems a little bit more sturdy than it was previously so it won’t, you know, break when they use it. Kegger is a season 2 newcomer and looks like a big shoebox with a ramp on it and seems to be armored like one too. Kegger’s weaponry is also a hammer but it’s a much smaller bashing arm similar to the weapon on the Heavyweight Frenzy. A little known fact is that Kegger came into this fight with one win under its belt already; it won a KO victory against BumperBawt who was upended by the arena Hellraisers without any input from Kegger whatsoever. Because of this, Kegger’s second weapon is bad luck.
Kegger is a lot slower than Deadblow, drivetrain and weapon-wise. Right away you get to see the thickness of Kegger’s armor as Deadblow punches through the front wedge like it doesn’t even exist. Kegger is able to push Deadblow around and toward the wall but watch this closely: Deadblow pulls away and bumps into the side of Kegger with its wheel. The side armor panel on Kegger gets all kinds of screwed up just from this little impact. I think Grant Imahara took note of this mysterious use of aluminum foil for armor because Deadblow starts to poke around at Kegger with its weapon down and manages to peel off an entire side panel just by doing that. What was this thing held on with? Scotch tape? Regardless, Kegger’s left armor panel has been torn away and the robot is hanging out by the Killsaws. This next shot by Deadblow is so spot-on it probably couldn’t be re-enacted if they tried to set it up again. Kegger gets lifted up by the saws but right as the front end is picked up Deadblow comes around and pops its opponent right in the speed controller.
Kegger is actually knocked out from this hit so it’s not going to do much more lurching around the arena anytime soon. Deadblow is trying to get out from in there by doing wheelies and dragging its newfound weight all over the saw blade hazards. Deadblow has its hammer up Kegger’s ass for about 20 to 30 seconds before Bil Dwyer even notices that it has actually punctured something that looks important and when Deadblow is finally out of there Kegger of course is dead in the water. The referees don’t seem to notice that Kegger isn’t fucking moving (and hasn’t for a while) so they allow Deadblow to keep hitting it and gouge more holes in Kegger’s chassis. Kegger’s been knocked out for about two minutes now, I guess the referees were too busy watching the Pulverizer in the corner near the action instead of, you know, the action. The Pulverizer is anxiously anticipating something to hit and it gets so excited that it just randomly falls off. Kegger broke it with its mind powers. Deadblow skates off with the only 2:59 knock out in BattleBots history.
Blade Runner vs. Scrap Daddy MW 110
Blade Runner was last seen in season 1 breaking Bad Attitude’s drive system in a single blow and then later succumbing to the insane articulated saw blade of Spin Orbiting Force. Blade Runner looks the same except it seems that the sponsors just couldn’t get enough of that one hit KO business. Apparently people think it’s funny, I guess. Wait a second are we watching Comedy Central or Comedy World? I’m confused now. Even more dazed is Scrap Daddy MW 110, the last remaining Scrap Daddy robot in the season. Scrap Daddy LW was destroyed by Ziggo, Frenzy gave a beating to Scrap Daddy HW, and Doom of Babylon told the SHW Scrap Daddy to go fuck itself by sticking it into the wall. All of the Scrap Daddy robots look the same and the MW version is no different. Scrap Daddy MW 110 is a two wheeled machine armed with a gasoline powered… uh… metal cooking bowl with teeth on it.
For some reason, and I haven’t figured out why, all of the Scrap Daddy robots can’t seem to drive straight, they all strafe and waddle around the arena instead of just fucking moving like everyone else does. This is also the first time that its weapon has seemed to be working and for an overall crappy robot the weapon doesn’t seem too bad. Five seconds into the fight I should take that back because Blade Runner sinks that weapon with a single blow and proceeds to slam Scrap Daddy into the arena wall getting the broken weapon caught in the seam of the spike strip. Blade Runner manages to get itself jammed in the wall as well. The Scrap Daddy team is freaking out about being jammed in the wall while in the background you can see Blade Runner’s driver kicking the wall to try and get his robot out of the spike strip. While prying Scrap Daddy out of the wall you can see that it’s leaking gasoline all over the place. Either that or it pissed itself out of sheer terror.
The referees start the battle again and rather than move Scrap Daddy instead starts to spin its wheels and have a seizure. Blade Runner uses this new “slick hazard” to its advantage and tosses its opponent over to the Pulverizer which takes a shot at each tire on Scrap Daddy as well as bending up the top of it, possibly ruining the frame even more. Scrap Daddy is literally limping away after this attack completely crippled. A multiple amputee who’s legally blind would be posing a bigger threat than Scrap Daddy right now. Hell, even a box full of puppies is more dangerous than that robot at this point. Blade Runner seems to be having problems of its own as it’s no longer spinning around with its weapon, but does it really need to? Scrap Daddy can’t even drive right anymore with one of its wheels bent at a 45 degree angle. Blade Runner almost looks knocked out, which would be yet another lucky win for Scrap Daddy MW 110 who got to this fight by somehow pulling off a 42-3 decision over Doorstop, but alas Blade Runner is alive and beats Scrap Daddy 45-0.
Afterthought 2.0 vs. Ziggo
I like Afterthought 2.0 and it’s a damn shame that it never got to show up in season 1. Afterthought is a bright neon red and yellow robot with a tilted spinning dish. For our British fans, picture a really small Hypno-Disc minus the lack of creativity with the paint job. For its official BattleBots picture Afterthought had this grotesque looking face on the disc but for some reason coming into this fight with Ziggo it is wearing a dish with a pinwheel design on it perhaps to blind Ziggo with fabulous beams. Ziggo is back and again hasn’t changed much since it ripped the heart out of Scrap Daddy LW 55 and ate it in front of its drivers. Ziggo spins, Ziggo hits enemy, enemy explodes into a million pieces. Rinse lather repeat.
Afterthought has a lot of force behind its spinning hellspawn of DirecTV, so much that as it turns to face Ziggo the force of the spinner pulls Afterthought right on top of the arena entrance ramp and gets the little robot high centered letting Ziggo get a free hit that it seems to waste. Afterthought comes in close to Ziggo and gets battedinto the hammer which stops its disc from spinning, but Ziggo is nice enough to give it a kickstart by smacking Afterthought in the face and knocking it away. Bil Dwyer enlightens us to the term “gear up”, a military reference to get dressed now being used to describe a spinning kinetic mass. Way to go Bil, I am buying you a thesaurus for your birthday. Afterthought is on the attack constantly here but seems to get pushed around by the force of its own weapon. Looking to back into Ziggo with its impact wood it turns around to give Ziggo a backwards ram but out of nowhere Pete Lambertson leans over to the guy next to him and goes “haha watch this” and launches Ziggo with an arena Hellraiser right into Afterthought sending it onto its back and Ziggo right back into the ramp where its weapon gets jammed inside.
The referees stop the fight since there seems to be a deus ex machina double knockout. Once again they seem to take care dislodging one robot and then kind of tossing the other one over. Ziggo is spinning noticeably slower after being abruptly stopped by the Hellraiser and Afterthought is attempting to use this time period to its advantage but doesn’t land in any serious hits. Ziggo appears to finally be up to “critical mass” again and pops Afterthought right on its weapon. The resulting impact sends the colorful spinner bouncing around on its dish and onto its back.
Rammstein vs. Diesector
We’ve gotten all the way to the quarterfinals of the Super Heavyweights this season and we haven’t seen either of these two previous contenders yet. Rammstein is back from season one with the same design and weapon but it looks like they’ve invested in some new armor and a sharper looking wedge and spike. Of course, I might be wrong and this is just the same robot without the decals from last season. Diesector was also a participant in season one but it had a grand total of about 17 seconds of air time because Grendel managed to sink it in a single blow. Diesector’s weaponry is pretty much the entire inventory of a Home Depot condensed into one machine: some jaws, a spiked wedge, and spiked sledgehammers. Diesector sucked out loud last season and obviously it’s doing a little better this time around because we’re in the quarterfinals.
The two robots clash in the center of the arena and Rammstein demonstrates that this time around it has functional weaponry but of course it doesn’t land its shot and misses. Rammstein’s weapon looks fierce as it punches outward but after that it doesn’t really seem to be doing any moving; for their sake I hope it’s not a one pump chump that’s rendered into a ramming spike after the first shot otherwise we’re back to where we were last season with Rammstein using it’s “wedge” with about a foot and a half of ground clearance to try and push people around. Rammstein has an unfortunate design; I can’t really describe it in a formal kind of way so I’ll just say “Diesector snack sized”. Diesector is getting in Rammstein’s face with its jaws and really Rammstein is missing some opportunities to screw something up. If I were them I’d be trying to throatfuck Diesector with the spike because you can clearly see the exposed hydraulics and inner workings of the clamp. Instead they hit the tire which isn’t exactly a bad shot since it seems to gum up Diesector’s entire drive system but it could be better.
There’s a bit of a standstill as Rammstein and Diesector are jammed up. The two robots break apart and run themselves into the hazards; Diesector takes himself to the Killsaws and Rammstein backs into the spike strip and gets stuck on it. Rammstein is dangerously close to the Pulverizer and Diesector is right there next to its opponent. Rather than using the Pulverizer to obliterate Rammstein, Diesector instead uses its flimsy little crap hammer for some strange reason. Rammstein uses this time to fire its spike, which is now noticeably less powerful and is more or less a really annoying poking arm. Diesector backs away and Rammstien is apparently free from the wall, but backs right into the Pulverizer where Diesector just holds it there. After a significant beating Rammstein is pretty much dead in the water and is moving primarily as it is being pushed around. Diesector “practices” its weapons on its dead opponent as it drags Rammstein over the Killsaws as the fight draws to a close.
“BattleBots Update” was a weekly column on RFSHQ that ran on the days following posts of new episodes of BattleBots. In this column Dracophile would provide snarky commentary over the various fights and battles seen in the show. This article is a collection of the best passages from fights in the show’s first season. The BattleBots archive was not moved to TwilightFoundry.com for copyright reasons, to combat this YouTube links have been provided so the individual battles can still be viewed.
Ziggo vs. The Missing Link
The Missing Link went missing for a reason. It’s entering this fight looking like a penis joke; two balls for wheels and a long shaft as a weapon. Yeah, I’m not being fooled by it. In an effort to ward off Ziggo, The Missing Link has what appears to be a phone directory on the end of a stick. Speaking of Ziggo, Ziggo can be described as an upside down popcorn bowl with rabid cats underneath it. The dome (a cooking wok) spins like crazy and anything that touches it turns to dust and explodes much like the fate of the people who look into the Ark. From the information provided one can conclude that touching Ziggo means instant death.
When the buzzer sounds The Missing Link floors it across the arena to try and get Ziggo to read the Yellow Pages and it looks like Ziggo is fairly interested in it at first. The Missing Link lands in a few absolutely crushing blows with his book of ads until Ziggo decides he doesn’t need any plumbing assistance and hits the chassis of The Missing Link causing Sean Salisbury to scream in fear. Much like a door-to-door Mormon (that sells phone books) The Missing Link is persistent and is promptly batted away by Ziggo who deems it appropriate to rip off The Missing Link’s right drive wheel. It takes the commentators a solid few seconds to realize the wheel is gone. The panic-stricken Missing Link starts to spin wildly around in circles while Ziggo plays Chicken with the arena spike hazards.
Sean Salisbury decides, after The Missing Link has been severely beaten up, to ask if putting a block of wood on a stick is more practical than using metal to which Bil Dwyer goes on and on about the millennium in response. While the battlecasters are busy chatting about what year it is Ziggo kicks The Missing Link in the ass with its spinning dome of death and as The Missing Link tries to drive away his remaining wheel decides to just randomly fall off. As a bonus the Killsaws decide to touch The Missing Link in inappropriate places and toss it a few feet across the floor. I’m no rocket scientist, but I believe since The Missing Link has no more wheels Ziggo wins!
Minion vs. Gray Matter
Minion is a six wheeled beast of a robot that resembles one of the incarnations of the Twisted Metal tank of the same name. There’s almost no armor on the robot at all, it’s all gone into the drive system (which we just saw tow three SUV’s in the preceding segment). Perhaps it’s a little excessive, you know, since this is “BattleBots” and not “Let’s Tow a Bunch of Trucks”. Minion’s primary weapon is a fireman’s rescue saw that kind of looks like it was just thrown in there when the team realized all they had was a giant six wheeled ramp. Gray Matter looks kind of like Killerhurtz except with olive green armor and four giant wheels that resemble swiss cheese. Rather than go all out Gray Matter is armed with a single spike. While I’d normally make fun of the weapon a spike seems like the best offense against the naked Minion.
We don’t get any more than twenty seconds into the fight before Gray Matter scores huge points with its weapon. Gray Matter’s spike makes contact with Minion’s saw, and if I used any verb other than “explode” to describe what the saw does I’d be doing you a disservice. That’s some serious quality when a fireman’s rescue saw blows up when a spike hits it. Just think, this episode was aired about a year before the September 11th attacks; let’s hope the firemen there weren’t using the same kinds of blades we see here.
Without a saw, Minion spends the rest of the fight charging at Gray Matter in reverse while Gray Matter racks up free points sticking his probe into every orifice Minion has (and making new ones for himself as well). While everyone’s tires are screeching like bats on LSD our battlecasters can’t seem to wrap their minds around the concept of foam-filled tires, they instead are amazed that the tires on Minion won’t pop and are convinced they are “super rubber”. Yeah, and Minion’s driver Christian Carlberg is a reptile. Actually… maybe he is, because Minion scoots off with the victory in a 7 to 2 judge’s decision.
Pressure Drop vs. Subject to Change without Reason
If there was ever an award for the most bizarre looking BattleBot out there, Pressure Drop would take it. It’s hard to describe Pressure Drop in text but I’ll do my best: It’s a wedge-shaped box with six legs and a spring loaded rock chisel hammer that can rotate around the robot. In other words it’s slow as hell but has a powerful weapon and while it’s in action it closely resembles a crawling zombie torso wielding a knife. Subject to Change without Reason has a really long name and is just a really lame wedge. The driver should have just named it “Not Going Anywhere Anytime Soon”.
As I mentioned, Pressure Drop starts walking as a brisk jog and never leaves its square while Subject to Change without Reason proves that it’s only a little faster than Pressure Drop and lacks the power to push its opponent. Pressure Drop almost seems like a drunk that wandered into a fight club; it’s just walking around taking a look at the Killsaws and in the middle of its leisurely stroll Subject to Change without Reason stops working. Not wanting to miss out on the opportunity to actually use their weapon, Automatum Technologies starts shuffling their robot over to their slanted opponent.
The buzzer rings while Pressure Drop is walking but the team pretty much doesn’t care. Pressure Drop minds its own business, keeps walking, and climbs up on top of Subject to Change without Reason. The chisel fires and misses, retracts, and fires one more time, landing a blow on the top of its opponent and leaving a nice dent. The driver of Subject to Change without Reason just about shits himself in anger over superficial damage. I’ve never seen such a perfect example of angry nerd rage. Despite hitting his opponent a full ten seconds after the referee blows his whistle, Pressure Drop lives on to fight another day.
Backlash vs. The Crusher
I feel bad for Jim Smentowski because everyone keeps saying his name wrong and pronounces it “smen-cow-ski”. The only person who says it right in the whole episode is the arena announcer Mark Beiro. Jim’s robot Backlash is a lot like his Heavyweight robot Nightmare who lost a wheel to Mauler. Hopefully Jim remembers that the giant spinning disc of death is his main weapon, not his drive wheels. The Crusher sounds like a monster truck but in reality it’s just a bright red wedge. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s also driven by a ten year old so naturally he should win this fight since all kids do with remote controlled cars is break them.
Crusher should realize that it’s got a ramp on the front so a direct hit on Backlash would be a good idea considering it would deflect the hit and knock Backlash off course. Instead, Crusher parades around the arena doing donuts in front of Backlash and hitting the arena spike strip. This plan doesn’t seem to be working as Backlash knocks The Crusher once and flips it over, effectively ruining the use of that wedge (unless that was The Crusher’s secret plan all along). Crusher still tries keeping up this battle plan and drives into the wall again, but this time the driver failed to realize that hitting the wall with an upside down wedge will cause you to ride up and get stuck.
Backlash uses this opportunity to confuse his target and attacks the wall, making a nice notch in it. He realizes that his opponent and the arena haven’t merged into one being and attacks Crusher instead, hitting the metal on the side and bending it into the wheel. The hit sends the robot reeling backwards doing crazy spins right over the Killsaws which end up throwing Crusher a few feet. Something must be wrong, because The Crusher still believes that spinning around in circles is the best offense against Backlash. Crusher also still believes that trying to mate with the arena wall is another good idea, so it drives up to the same spot on the wall and tries to mount it. Backlash gets the hint and lets The Crusher eat his cyanide and be merry.
Voltarc vs. Biohazard
Sean Salisbury has a magical way with words. Whatever he mentions on a robot will quickly either break, fall apart, or stop moving. This is the case with Biohazard. At the beginning of the fight Biohazard is looking like it’s the better robot compared to Voltarc by getting in under the wedge and feeling it up. Not long after Sean Salisbury comments on Biohazards “anti wedge” design it rides right up on Voltarc’s ramp. What ensues can only be described as the most boring three minutes in BattleBots history.
Biohazard is stuck on Voltarc who decides to parade Biohazard around to every single hazard on the arena floor. As Sean Salisbury quickly mentions, you’re only supposed to be able to hold your opponent for up to thirty seconds, but, you know since he mentioned it of course that rule is going to stop taking effect. After making comments such as “taking Biohazard apart one endorsement sticker at a time” our battlecasters quickly find themselves falling into the dangerous television realm known as “dead air”. Just so you know, the referees haven’t separated the two robots yet so to make up for the lack of possible commentary they stick a bubble of Voltarc’s drive Stephen Felk up in the corner and let him ramble on about things that aren’t about pro football this time.
Believe it or not they actually come up with slow motion replays after the fight, I don’t know how, but they do; speaking of after-battle events Stephen Felk just about craps himself in excitement after an extremely questionable win over Biohazard. For the remainder of the episode they never really tell us why they like the fight carry on as it did and didn’t make Voltarc let go of Biohazard.
Alpha Raptor vs. Tentomushi
Apparently they either decided to have the Lightweight Rumble in the middle of the event or Comedy Central realized that they were almost out of initial test run episodes so they stuck the rumble in the middle of the fifth episode just to show viewers what’s to come when the event is over. Here’s a tip, if you count the number of “WINNER” badges on Backlash you’ll figure out that not only did it win the Lightweight event but that the rumble of course took place after all of these fights. We didn’t get to see Alpha Raptor in the rumble (you’ll find out why later) so it’s new to everyone here. It’s armed with a lifting arm similar to what we’ve seen on Biohazard, just packaged differently. Tentomushi on the other hand, is a robot we got to see very little of in the rumble because it was knocked out very early on (see if you can guess why). God only knows why this is a crowd favorite robot, but at least it has a clever design. The little sandbox opens up and underneath it is a saw blade and the driver can of course capture opponents under the dome and take them around the arena, but not if its opponent has a beefier drive system.
You can see it in eyes pf Alpha Raptor’s driver that he’s not about to take any bullshit from a sandbox on wheels… but it seems he is just a little too determined to bitchslap Tentomushi within seconds of the buzzer. Alpha Raptor starts its attack fiercely and smashes itself head on into the arena ramp hazard. After taking a few moments to let the pain subside in its face Alpha Raptor commences “no bullshit mode” one more. Not even caring if it’s under the sandbox dome or not, Alpha Raptor lifts the ladybug robot up and takes it to the wall where the antennae fly off. Alpha Raptor seems to enjoy taking its grand old time to attack but when it does the impact is always great as we quickly see the bullet-like robot take Tentomushi onto the hazards while it’s “captured” under that dome, using Tentomushi’s weapon against itself.
Toward the end of the fight you can see the damage the brute force attacks of the lightweight Alpha Raptor has caused. The black motor and linear actuator combo that works the capturing dome starts to twitch and come loose and of course isn’t raising that dome up at all.
Deadblow vs. Alien Gladiator
Deadblow looks like a rather simplistic middleweight, just a box with four wheels and a hammer that doesn’t look too menacing. It’s a speedy little machine driven by an equally nice little Asian guy who would later get his stardom on Mythbusters (Grant Imahara). Alien Gladiator (who is rumored to be tougher than the Terminator) is wheeled into the arena toting what looks to be lawnmower wheels, a crowbar, and a sprinkler on a chain (and a god awful green alien face prop over by the arena clock).
Neither robot looks like it would be capable of doing much damage until Deadblow gets going, bumping into the Terminator-owning Alien Gladiator and chopping away at it like a crazed sushi chef taking out some frustrations. Within a few hits Alien Gladiator is dead in the water and Deadblow chops away at the robot, bragging that in theory it could beat the piss out of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Deadblow gets so crazy with its hyper weapon (that the battlecasters are now calling a “pecker” and giggling like second graders) that it literally breaks apart, rendering Deadblow into nothing more than a ramming box.
That doesn’t stop Deadblow from asserting its reign as “Alien Gladiator’s daddy”, and within seconds Alien Gladiator gets stuck in the arena ramps and is counted out.
Minion vs. Grendel
When we last saw Minion it was a tough armored tank that took on the equally secure Gray Matter wherein Minion’s saw shattered into a million pieces and fought like a wedge. Team Coolrobots spent the entire repair period fixing their robot’s weapon system and replaced it with a chainsaw. Allow me to elaborate before you say “oh wow cool”; I don’t mean a chainsaw as in Leatherface, I mean a chainsaw as in a little dinky plastic kid’s toy. So, in other words, Minion is still a six wheeled portable skateboard ramp. Grendel on the other hand is still a big Loch Ness replica with a spring loaded spike.
Minion considers attacking with its new weapon system, but opts instead to come at Grendel with the ramp. Grendel, a little slow with the weapons, instantly gets pushed into the corner around the spikes and saw hazards. We’re on episode seven here and nobody has told the battlecasters about the mystery of foam filled tires; they still assume they can be punctured and will explode (although in their defense, Mjollnir’s builder was smart enough to use air filled wheels). About a minute into the fight Minion realizes that the fight is one sided (even without a real weapon) so they take some time to test out Minion’s off road abilities using the arena floor ramps.
Much like other fights that slow down, the battlecasters stick one of the drivers up in the corner of the screen to chatter while no commentary can be made about the fight. While Grendel’s driver is talking we find out that in the event of a go-kart versus a dragon, the go-kart will always win. Minion is able to stick and move and even when Grendel strikes with its hammer Minion is too close to get hit. After seeing the robots locked together like this Bil Dwyer once again is sitting on the edge of his seat waiting for Sean Salisbury to shut up so he can drop the classic “so is the dragon draggin Minion or is Minion draggin the dragon”, to which Sean Salisbury blankly replies “it’s Minion”. Grendel almost looks like it is beginning to not work anymore and is carried over to the Killsaws, which are promptly broken as you can see them not spinning when they hit Grendel.
Mouser Mecha Catbot vs. Alpha Raptor
Mouse Mecha Catbot is another one of those novelty robots that just make you wonder how they got as far as they did. You may remember the robot from a previous episode winning a landslide victory over Shaft (which was a bogus call). Unfortunately for Mouser Mecha Catbot it’s up against Alpha Raptor, a robot who has built up a winning streak of beating gimmick robots (Doctor Inferno Junior and Tentomushi). Before the fight starts we get to see Mouser Mecha Catbot testing out its weapons and attacking food with its flipping bar. At the very end we get to see it toss a salad. I’ll let you fill in the joke there.
If there’s one thing Alpha Raptor has trouble with it’s remembering that there are ramps in the floor. As we’ve seen earlier it plowed directly into the ramps against Tentomushi, and in this fight we see Alpha Raptor trying to fly but getting stuck in them again anyways. Raptors don’t fly, that’s Pterodactyls, and I don’t think the team meant “raptor” as in “bird of prey” either. But Alpha Raptor has nothing to worry about because Mouse Mecha Catbot enjoys fighting the hazards too as we quickly find out when we see it go over the Killsaws and the Ramrods. The fight quickly becomes a contest of who can hit the hazards the most amount of times.
Mouser Mecha Catbot is looking like it’s falling apart, internally at least. It’s definitely not tossing the raptor’s salad, that’s for sure, and at the same time the dome shaped exterior is fending off Alpha Raptor’s lifting weapon. Once again we get to see the mouse/cat hybrid get some airtime via the hazards while our talented battlecasters cross out every single cat-related joke the writers gave to them. The Killsaws end up disabling Mouser Mecha Catbot but the fight timer counts down before the referee finishes the knock out count.
Das Bot vs. Backlash
We haven’t seen much of Das Bot at all in this season except for his appearance in the Lightweight rumble where he lasted against all odds and sparred with Backlash, obviously this fight is the reason why. Das Bot looked like it had an interesting set of fights, especially his battle with Ziggo who we saw obliterate The Missing Link in our debut episode. Das Bot is a big jewelry case-looking machine with a lifting arm and Backlash as we’ve seen is the two wheeled killer pizza cutter. What I like the most about Das Bot is how simple it is; you can see inside of it and might notice that it’s using cordless drills for its drive system. That’s how old this television series is. In today’s robot combat world a simple robot like Das Bot wouldn’t make it to the Semifinals.
We get into the fight and see that Das Bot is toting some impact foam to ward off the spinning wheel of Backlash but within seconds we see that the zip-tied foam isn’t going to work as one entire piece just goes flying right off. Das Bot tries to get in a lift with its arm but it is immediately smacked away (and screwed up) by Backlash who lands in a second blow that almost throws the big clumsy box onto its back. One more big hit from Backlash’s disc ruins the rest of the lifting arm which is now frozen in the upright position. The second bit of foam soon follows.
Backlash seems to have thoroughly wrecked Das Bot’s shit because it’s not moving anymore. Backlash uses this moment to put its opponent into the saw blade hazards which rise up and fling a slew of sawdust all over the arena floor (another classic bit of robot combat that you won’t see today). Das Bot was a damn fine entry and a great example of an effective an inexpensive competitor. It lost to the best and I’m glad to see it made it this far.
Backlash vs. Alpha Raptor
This is it, the Lightweight finals. We’ve seen what Backlash and Alpha Raptor have to offer and they’ve shown that between the two of them they’re the best Lightweights here. Bil Dwyer points out that we should see if Alpha Raptor drives into the ramps like it has been, but we soon find out that it’s not doing a whole lot of driving around to begin with. Alpha Raptor can barely leave the blue square and looks damaged, like all of those trips smashing its head into the wall and riding on the Killsaws have started to come back to haunt it.
One big hit to the front of Alpha Raptor takes out the saurian competitor and sends it right into the arena spike wall, luckily right in front of the judges. Backlash takes the time to show off during the finals and turns Alpha Raptor’s ass into a three car garage. It looks like the Alpha Raptor team packed their robot with confetti before the fight because all kinds of pieces start flying around as Backlash busts Alpha Raptor’s ass wide open. Even the Goatse man is cringing in shock after that railing.
Of course, Sean Salisbury doesn’t realize that losing the entire backend of your robot and the batteries with it means that you’re knocked out, as he seems to be pleasantly surprised that Alpha Raptor is “already incapacitated”. Backlash nails his opponent one last time to remember him by and takes the knock out victory into Giant Nut Land.
Hazard vs. Turtle Road Kill
Hazard is a legendary BattleBot with an impressive record and this is where it got its start… as a Middleweight spinner that breaks incredibly easily. We first get a glimpse of Hazard to discover it’s a simple four wheeled wedge with a helicopter blade which would prove to be arguably the best design the series would see. Turtle Road Kill on the other hand is some bizarre octagon shaped robot that makes me mad for some strange reason. I don’t know if it’s the awful name, the awful paint job, or the awful design. Perhaps it’s a mix of the three but in short Turtle Road Kill is nothing spectacular to look at unless it’s just a novelty. Given the fact that it’s driven by a kid, I’ll get off of his case now.
Remember that recurring joke I keep using about “get your scorecards ready”? Hazard is worthy of that gag in this fight. Hazard’s weapon gets up to speed while Turtle Road Kill evades the helicopter of death (with good reason) and then lines up one huge ram. The impact sends Turtle Road Kill hobbling off to the side with a giant gash in its face and Hazard’s blade stops working. If it were only that easy to disable him in later seasons. Turtle Road Kill lines up another nice charge on the now less hazardous Hazard; Hazard turns the attack into his own by pushing the turtle away. There’s a lot of bumping going on between the two Middleweights and you can see for a second that Hazard’s blade tries to start spinning again but it seems the weaponless Turtle Road Kill managed to disable the spinner with one hit, so I would like to apologize for saying it was a total piece of shit, but then again Season 1.0 Hazard was also a total piece of shit too.
Turtle Road Kill quickly adopts Mouser Mecha Catbot’s style of fighting and starts to see how many times it can drive over the hazards and do tricks at the same time. The judges actually don’t give style points like that, but if they did I’m sure Turtle Road Kill would win nine to zero. There’s a 9 – 0 victory alright, but it’s not in Turtle Road Kill’s favor.
Killerhurtz vs. Mauler
I love Killerhurtz, and I love Mauler. Killerhurtz, as you may remember, completely eradicated Knome II from the face of the Earth (and removed Knome II’s face in the process). Mauler joins us after taking out “the legendary” Nightmare in a single blow. Killerhurtz loosely resembles a tank covered with bulletproof plastic and wields a pneumatic battle axe that has proved its effectiveness. Mauler is just a simple yet powerful circular robot with a spinning lid covered in nasties of all sorts (Chisels of the Apocalypse, Patina of Violence, et al). Charles and Morgan Tilford’s acknowledgement of “damn straight” to the referee’s “are you ready” question cements the fact that this will be a bloodbath of proportions that only Mauler can pull of.
Mauler takes no less than two seconds to spin up to the deadly speed responsible for crippling Nightmare in a single blow. Killerhurtz charges out and rams the spinner while trying to make use of its axe but there’s no contact made, just Mauler asserting its dominance over their friendly English opponents. Killerhurtz tries to slow Mauler down and every hit is met with flying chips of Lexan and both robots bouncing off of each other. Killerhurtz’s axe starts to show some damage and their robot actually begins to slow down. This break period allows Mauler to fully spin up to their maximum deadly speed, what physicists call “Holy Fucking Shit”.
Just as Bil Dwyer mentions “you don’t want to get too close to the Tilfords”, Killerhurtz backs into Mauler in an attempt to use their wedge to slow it down. Mauler exclaims “get that shit out of my face” and blows it to pieces. The Killerhurtz team knows that they’re essentially screwed and decides to fire their hammer at Mauler. Mauler demands that too is worthy of “get that shit out of my face” and tears the hammer off sending it flying towards the arena wall. This fight could not be any more brilliant until it all takes a turn in the opposite direction. Killerhurtz has been rendered into nothing more than a motorized scooter and with one final breath it rams into Mauler once more sending the spinner onto the saws and Mauler falls silent. Mauler may be dead but they set the standard for true demolition in a Heavyweight battle, one that has yet to be attained by any other competitor. After the fight Charles Tilford coins the term “real gourmet damage”, an adjective that would later be used by future competitors of all kinds (and also as the domain name for the robot Marvel of Engineering).
Vlad the Impaler vs. Punjar
We’ve seen plenty of Vlad the Impaler throughout this season. It’s proven to be an exceptional novelty-bot killer after it stomped out both the quirky Tazbot and the flailing/clumsy Overkill. We’ve seen Punjar before as well; in last week’s episode Punjar proved that it could beat a slow stomper-bot with an even slower hammer weapon. Okay, not exactly something extreme to brag about but if Punjar can manage to uppercut Vlad the Impaler then yes, Punjar can write home about it.
Punjar almost seems a little reluctant to come out at Vlad the Impaler, and when it does it tries to spin around in place possibly to either deflect a charge from Vlad the Impaler or to see where the arena exit is so it can escape from battle. Sean Salisbury backs up the viewer by pointing out that Vlad the Impaler is the robot with the forklift and that’s how you can tell them apart. Yes, because the sticker that says “VLAD THE IMPALER” isn’t a big enough hint. Punjar has a noticeable bit of ground clearance which can be seen when Vlad the Impaler has absolutely no trouble getting under Punjar.
Punjar’s freak-out attacks seem to work for the most part as Vlad the Impaler takes a ride over the sawblade hazards and proceeds to attack the floor. I’m thinking that Vlad the Impaler had a slow start because once the floor is thoroughly dead it performs a full charge into Punjar, slamming it into the wall, and then taking the bulldozer into the Pulverizer. This early in the series the Pulverizer was a total piece of crap and I’m almost positive the amount of damage being done to Punjar is about the equivalent of a really annoying seven year old patting you on the back.
Punjar spends the next few moments being driven into the Killsaws and taken around the arena for everyone to see. At one point you can get a good shot at the nice suspension system being utilized by Punjar, unfortunately it’s not doing it any good when it’s up off the floor and hanging by springs as Vlad the Impaler proceeds to live up to its name regarding Punjar’s nether regions. Unlike the flimsier Tazbot and Overkill, Punjar isn’t showing signs of debilitation from Vlad the Impaler’s attacks. At the same time, Punjar doesn’t seem to be winning either, though. Punjar’s imminent death is made into a public show by a nice flip-over and pin combo on the spike strip in the closing seconds of the fight.
At least Punjar gets 1 point for going out in style.
Minion vs. Rammstein
I have a love/hate relationship with Minion. It’s an extremely effective robot and came into this season toting an emergency rescue saw but that was promptly taken off by Gray Matter (and jokingly replaced with a toy chainsaw in Minion’s second fight against Grendel). At the same time however it just appears to leave a lot left to be desired. I suppose it’s just the lack of weaponry now that it’s been disabled, but regardless of that fact it’s still fun to watch; it’s definitely earned its spot in the semifinals. Rammstein on the other hand has skated into this battle by beating a bunch of easy opponents. Abattoir looks menacing but is known for falling apart and never working, most of its losses are by forfeit. Mechadon is cool looking but seriously that thing can’t fight. Rammstein technically is getting ready to face its first real opponent and it’s the juggernaut Minion.
Entering this fight you really get to see how identical the two robots look especially with Minion’s lack of a saw blade. Both of them have lost the use of their primary weapons (Rammstein’s spike went out against Mechadon), so they have now been rendered into six wheeled plow machines. Minion had a bad run-in with a probing spike in its bout against Gray Matter and you can see how Minion is frightened of being touched inappropriately. It’s either that, or the reason is because Minion has no fucking armor and something as simple as a spike can ruin the internals. Either way, Rammstein needs to realize that this is a real fight and not a fire drill and should stop trying to use the spike wall as a ramp.
The fight quickly boils down into a mobile monster truck ramp festival with Rammstein and Minion taking turns using each other to perform wheelies and other stunts. Rammstein’s drivers take a second to see if their remote is even turned on because either their batteries are dead or they just really do suck at this. Rammstein appears to be dead in the water. It’s hard to tell what finally ended Rammstein’s life support but I’d have to give it to the moment when Minion drives over the top of Rammstein. The action was just too awesome for Rammstein to comprehend and its internals exploded.
Killerhurtz vs. Voltarc
Killerhurtz is (was?) a powerful machine this season toting an axe that could pierce and destroy opponents. Killerhurtz really isn’t supposed to be here though; in its previous fight Mauler started to randomly disassemble the clear axe-wielding tank but was knocked out due to electrical problems. Regardless, Killerhurtz enters this fight incredibly crippled and without its weapon. It’s just a funny shaped box with the Union Jack on it now. Voltarc had an equally “freak accident” win over Biohazard. Biohazard spent the entire fight on Voltarc’s wedge and lost. Why the judges didn’t stop the fight I have no idea. Fresh off of a cheap win each, the two robots need to get serious for this semifinal match.
Killerhurtz is reduced to a very fast ramming box and going against Voltarc as a rammer with high ground clearance is a death wish. Voltarc has no problem at all getting under Killerhurtz and lifting him up before the cheesy techno-countdown timer at the top of the screen is even able to go away. It becomes obvious a few seconds into the fight that Killerhurtz is taking the kamikaze route in this fight, running over everything in its path to try and hit Voltarc, and repeating this process. Sean Salisbury makes the comment “it looks like Killerhurtz has lost some control over its drive and weapon”. Yes, Sean, yes it did. I believe the exact moment Killerhurtz lost control of its weapon was when Mauler tore it off and threw it at the wall.
The whole “crash into everything like a maniac” plan starts to work against Killerhurtz when part of the underbelly armor is cut and bent and starts to drag around on the floor. Not only does this increase the ground clearance of Killerhurtz it creates drag that will slow it down (and ruin the arena floor, Trey Roski won’t like that). Voltarc finally manages to catch up to Killerhurtz and drags it over to the Killsaws much to Bil Dwyer’s delight. Listen for how Bil tries to play off his faux excitement when the saws come up and aren’t working. Voltarc finally finds a pair that is working thoug, and takes Killerhurtz for a ride. Killerhurtz has time for one final attack and rides directly up onto Voltarc and gets lifted completely off of the floor. To add insult to injury Voltarc, a blunt wedge, manages to pop the rear Lexan shield off of the back of Killerhurtz and the fight is over.
Voltarc wants a rematch against Vlad the Impaler, and that’s what it’s going to get because Voltarc is moving on to the finals to face its rival.
All of the Middleweights (or what’s left of them after Hazard leveled them throughout the season) have been compiled into the arena one last time for the “grand rumble” in this division. Spin Orbiting Force (Sofo) is back with even more styrofoam and right next to it we see the incredibly resilient Alien Gladiator and the self proclaimed “when it hits stuff, stuff breaks” Blade Runner. Ankle Biter makes an appearance here after his run for the championship ended with the spike strip. Deadblow is back complete with bent-pecker battle damage, and we get to see a new Middleweight named Pegleg… which appears to be a weaponless walking box covered in duct tape. Speaking of walking boxes Pressure Drop makes a grand re-entry and right next to Pressure Drop is the current champion Hazard looking undamaged as usual. The one-pump-chump wedge Bad Attitude seems to be functional again along with teammate Turtle Road Kill (sporting a nice scar compliments of Hazard). And last and probably least we have the super-reliable Subject To Change Without Reason, famous for breaking while beating Pressure Drop and taking a hit after the buzzer (with the dent to prove it).
The camera angle used at the beginning of the rumble gives a great view of Turtle Road Kill who swerves around the arena, attempting to hit Bad Attitude, Subject To Change Without Reason, and even Pressure Drop before settling on the weaponless Pegleg to vent its frustration out on. Alien Gladiator already looks to be dead as Sofo starts dragging it around from the “blimp-cam”, and if it wasn’t dead then it certainly is after Ankle Biter flies across the floor and throws Alien Gladiator into the air by sheer force alone. Ankle Biter is throwing a fit all over the floor and appears to be self-destructing while pushing other robots around. Rather than damage opponents with its miter saw the robot is instead shooting out sparks from its front end. We see Blade Runner come in through the blimp-cam and Sean Salisbury describe it as “lawnmower-like”; I don’t know about you but I haven’t seen a lawnmower that looks like Blade Runner, ever.
Ankle Biter once again uses its combination of a wedge that shoots sparks and quickness to throw Deadblow and Subject To Change Without Reason over into the wall while we see Sofo and Alien Gladiator patrol the arena and pick on easier targets like Pegleg (who somehow is not dead yet) and Turtle Road Kill (see also: Pegleg). Ankle Biter really takes the spotlight here and seems to have an extreme hating for Subject To Change Without Reason and Deadblow as we finally get to see Pressure Drop for once, sitting still in one of the corners. Blade Runner has been seen just spinning around wildly in the rumble but finally lands in a good hit that punctures the ass of Ankle Biter who also seems to have lost its face somewhere (no more sparks). No worry, Ankle Biter just uses this to its advantage and slams the LAWNMOWER-LIKE Blade Runner into the wall in reverse. Ankle Biter throws out one final attack on the dead-in-the-water Turtle Road Kill, bounces off of its wedge, and lands face up ass down while Bil Dwyer screams that qualifies as “still movin’ around”.
Lots of robots have been taken out, Pressure Drop is nowhere to be seen and we just saw Turtle Road Kill and Ankle Biter laying dormant in the red square. Subject To Change Without Reason appears to be dead but that’s to be expected, and Pegleg is having a seizure in the middle of the arena. Even Hazard starts to freak out and somehow manages to bust its own wedge with its helicopter blade. With the sound of the buzzer Hazard lands in the final blow on the back corner of Bad Attitude, probably killing it if that fight against Blade Runner proved anything.
When the first season of this show aired on TV back in 2000 I was pretty excited (and also in something like seventh grade). In a weird way we’re all very fortunate that Comedy Central messed up the show’s formula and it got taken off the air without any DVD releases, otherwise we may not be able to do what we’re doing for you fans today. What I like the most about this first season is that it captured a time in robot combat history when there was actually a fair amount of damage done to competitors. The “gourmet damage” seen from Mauler disarming Killerhurtz or Ziggo disemboweling the still-living Das Bot is just something that cannot be matched today when everyone is made from one giant custom machined piece of aircraft aluminum or titanium.
I’m also pleased to know that RFSHQ has literally made Internet history by being the first place that we have been able to find that has the entire series of BattleBots archived in “decent” quality and ready for online viewing. There’s still lots more BattleBots to come, and we aren’t even taking the week off. Join us next weekend for the premiere of season two!
[Editor’s Note: “Dracophile” originally went by the name “RFS” while employed by Miniclip. Additionally, this quote generator no longer works so its contents have instead been included with this article.]
RFS has been an influential personality and an Administrator in the Miniclip.com Club Penguin forums since May 2006.
Throughout the years of his service, RFS has slipped up and fell on his face using his words; whether or not it’s intentional or accidental everyone enjoys sharing and saving his best quotes. This quote generator reads from a database of 100% authentic “RFS-isms” compiled, preserved, and selected by members of the Club Penguin forums. Some quotes are from posts in their entirety while some are quips taken completely out of context for added humor; all of them, however, capture the lively essence of his personality that has literally carried the weight of the community from the day it emerged on the Miniclip website.
This quote generator will present a new random RFS quote from the database every time you view this page or click the “Different Quote” button below. The generator presents quotes formatted for use in your signature on the Club Penguin forums. Quotes with emoticons have their text equivalent included (ie: “:cool:”) and will appear as the proper icon when added into your signature.
Mods/Admins get paid $8,000 per minute.
I’m single and not looking.
Your Tangle was absorbed into my Super Tangle by means of telekinesis. 😎
I am convinced Vital “Mr. Dragonslayer” Viper is out to get me.
Vital didn’t like my dragon anyways. He was choking its neck before we took the picture.
Plus it has a dragon. I’m sold. 😀
He’s seriously right. Don’t ask me for relationship advice. There’s a reason I’m single.
Nah I’m cool with the fact that I have a milk jug instead of a six pack.
I am a manly man.
I was sitting in the back acting like a Price is Right audience member holding up two fingers and shouting out “TWO” when he asked how much to adjust the interest rate. After he won I shouted out “WE’LL SEE YOU AT THE SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN.”
Putting on costumes is fun, it’s better if it covers your face because believe it or not having that kind of anonymity is like a superpower. I would know. I’ve donned a Sonic the Hedgehog costume before.
My only explanation for this is that you have mathematical dyslexia and you read “Referrals: 41” as “Age: 14”. My profile states that I’m 19 years old.
Blame the government.
Naw, my reptile plushies all like to snuggle. 😀
Yes Vital Viper showed up at my house, good thing I had my bat.
We are dangerous individuals. Our internets combined will rule the world. RFS: Is an encyclopedia of reptile information. Vital Viper: Knows too much about penguins. Together: Civil war.
Sorry, I only pose for PlayDragon. I’m Mr. September, but don’t tell anyone I said that.
It’s fun to imagine me as some big tough dragon sleeping on a pile of gold and dollar bills, but really I sleep on pennies.
I sincerely appreciate you belittling my financial problems. Remind me never to post anything personal on the forums again.
For those of you who haven’t seen Yo Gabba Gabba, I can only describe it as crazy music mixed in with even crazier lyrics while random kids and people in alien suits dance like they’re on crack. I can’t look away, though.
It’s the silver dragon bling.
You can tell the komodo was all like “man that kid better not be taking a dump in MY bush”.
“WHY DID YOU TURN THIS OFF? (five thousand angry emotes)” and other stuff
Lots of numbers. I hope you like numbers. If you don’t like numbers, then I will try to present this using as many letters as possible.
What’s black, white, and red all over? A penguin falling down the stairs.
We do not support or condone IRL Club Penguin meetings and parties.
Anacondas look bigger in the movies.
No because that would make us a trio and too much like a bunch of Blue Man Group rejects.
“Club Penguin? ____Y ____N” is an actual field on our school’s enrollment form.
I am not known for my good looks.
I believe that’s the first and only thing that’s been said about my pictures that WASN’T “lol ur fat” or “lolz u huggin dat lizaerd”.
Two college students playing with stuffed animals and a camera would be nothing out of the ordinary.
Haha you missed out on the komodo dragon you got ripped off.
I don’t think a forum devoted to letting 13 year olds give each other medical advice is even legal.
Don’t get it in your mouth.
Touch my dragon.
Don’t let this guy near robots he does bad things to them.
I prefer banning people for fun amounts of time.
Ironically I lost a game of Monopoly earlier tonight too. I’m just not good with money these days, not even bright pink fake money.
k dis time i m 4srs plz dun haxor my 4umz PLZ PLZ PLZ -_-
Alliteration is fun for the whole family. also snakes
I really DON’T bite, that’s a misnomer and a fun little gimmick that people enjoy playing on the forums. I’m really not an evil hellbent dragon-admin person thing.
Yeah after I type this paper (and after you get home from work) I’ll whip out a six pack of Ego Juice ™ and Dragon Candy Punch.
I do say “yall”, but that’s about it. I don’t ride horses, wear big hats, or have a funny accent.
If you collect all five cool ranks you get banned! 😀
I think you are a huge doo doo head.
SEBASTIAN YOU ARE A DOO DOO HEAD AND I HOPE TOMORROW YOU ARE WALKING IN YOUR HOUSE AND YOU STUB YOUR BABY TOE ON A DOOR FRAME AND BREAK THE TOENAIL OFF SO IT TURNS GREEN AND GETS ALL INFECTED WITH PUS SO EVERY STEP YOU TAKE IS JUST SHEER AGONY LIKE YOU CAN NEVER EVER IMAGINE
YOU NEED TO STOP MAKING FUN OF US ON OUR INTERNETS AND LEAVE US ALONE BECAUSE THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS YOU ARE HURTING PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE AND CAUSING GLOBAL WARMING OK THIS IS NOT A GAME THIS IS SOMEONE’S LIFE DON’T YOU SEE THAT ok
levon stop looking in muh profile thats creepy :O
I just realized that book has pieces to build your own reptiles. I demand you surrender that book at once.
People with a green name are Admins, orange names are Mods, and blue names are Club Penguin developers. The people with that awkward thin blue text for names are faceless zombies.
Congratulations on your new furry friend. Did you ask him how the last Anthrocon was? :rolleyes:
Sleep is overrated. On the days that I have school I don’t get much sleep, but on any other day I get anywhere from 10 to 14 hours of sleep. 😎
She sells seashells by the seashore. Seven silver swans swam silently over the sea. RFS is the greatest administrator ever.
“I work for RFS and he owns me and this title.” It’s longer than 25 characters but I can force it as your title.
I think Vital should win. Dragons are awesome, dragons in CP would be… double awesome?
you must not be from around here i wub snakes 😀
Quit my job, drop out of school, and party.
awesome this much |———————————————–| this much awsum
he is secretly a snake-o-phile but wont say anything
also yes snakes are ooey gooey icky :sick:
And for the record, I am most certainly NOT going to punch in “hairy snake” on any kind of search engine ever.
he would want a dragon plushie but he wouldnt tell anyone except the mall santa and he would have to whisper it in his ear
School funding? Whoops, looks like all of the reptile zoos just got your No Child Left Behind money!
You’d be a better President than Bush. Hell, I would be a better President than Bush.
There were some other insanely stupid cards too, such as what the three of us described as “Tom Cruise with a fire breathing komodo dragon” and “the most extreme awesome dinosaur picture ever”.
Vital Viper purchased Blades of Steel (NES) and we spent a solid 15 minutes beating up people.
LEAVE SIMPLE PLAN ALONE. THEY ARE PEOPLE THEY HAVE FEELINGS. *cries*
because your idiot neighbor who didn’t pick his things up might end up seeing his lawn chair fly into your living room
I’m not going to crap on anyone’s dreams.
I will say first and foremost that this dragon does not swing that way. :sick:
China is out to kill all of us, themselves, and every single animal on the planet. Face it, 2007 has shown that China’s cheap production lines have been churning out excessive amounts of toxic materials that people are unknowingly putting into their bodies. In this year alone we’ve had to ward off poisoned pet food, toys that contain lead, Aquadot toys that literally contain date rape drug compounds (Chris Hansen, wink wink), fake toothpaste, and as of late they are recycling used condoms into hair bands. Yeah, you heard me right. Rubbers, wrappers, whatever slang you call condoms, are being used in hair care products.
At some point you have to just wonder, are these accidents or is this some form of hilarious terrorism that people are letting go on because it is, in fact, fucking hilarious seeing what China produces next that poisons/kills something? With that said, take a second to think about the last time you went to an open air market or flea market. Did you ever come across a vendor who had literally just set down opened boxes of various $1 goods in a row and let people walk through them like giants in a Wal-Mart? Oh, you have? Then you had better take a second good look at what you’re buying. It might kill you.
I decided to do the world a favor and personally investigate these off-brand knock offs and imitations to find out the real dangers they pose to humans and animals alike. Please note that while this article is intended to be satire, the following warnings are more than likely true anyways.
AA Size Batteries
If the “brand name” of battery you are buying doesn’t make a damn bit of sense, you probably should not buy it. Sources warn that these cheap batteries are known for overheating or producing unpredictable complete cell discharge and of course the over-reported case of acid leakage. Take this into consideration the next time you click a button on your television remote control. It very well might burst into flames and consume your house and soul with the stench of burning flesh and Chinese slave labor.
These do not exist in China so parents and parents-to-be need not worry. If babies prove to be unruly in China, they serve them as General Tao Chicken.
Any kind of resistor, transistor, circuit breaker, or surge protector
It will do the complete opposite of its intended purpose. And then explode.
(Insert popular anime here) Trading Cards
They’re all fakes and you will be laughed at if you take them seriously. However you can use this to your advantage and buy them in the name of comedy and they are guaranteed to make you and your friends laugh or your money back. Trust me, it’s printed on the package in broken English.
Remember in grade school when you didn’t bring a pencil how the teacher gave you that fucking atrocious Berol Eagle piece of shit pencil that was made of plastic and full of chalk or something in place of graphite? Yeah, that horrid thing that you could heat up and then bend into fantastic shapes and spell your name in cursive with or alternatively ruin any pencil sharpener you put it into. China somehow managed to get a hold of this formula and make it ten times worse. It is estimated that for one American cent you can produce about 28 million pencils like this in China. I forgot to mention instead of graphite China uses petrified dog and human feces. Enjoy that the next time you chew on your Chinese pencil.
Toy Laser Guns
These shoot real lasers. Just a heads up.
These don’t really pose a threat but it’s inconvenient and scary whenever they unexpectedly pop when you’re sitting on them.
Any kind of scotch tape product you buy is probably flammable and is made of the same stuff that goes into those sticky rat traps. However, that is not the thing you should worry about. The “tape” is actually a preserved tapeworm from one of the sweatshop workers with fly paper adhesive slathered on one side. Ever wondered why it rips into perfect squares every time?
Most Chinese hand tools (more notably the hammer) are actually manufactured by the same plants that create novelty joke products. Because of this, you’re probably buying a prank hammer that will turn to dust when you hit a nail, or a screwdriver with a plastic handle that will shatter and drive the metal rod through your hand. Haha, joke’s on you!
Various Dragon Figurines
These are actually pretty awesome so you can buy these all you want. Who doesn’t want a dragon sitting on a light-up fiber optics ball?
Unlike the laser gun toys mentioned above, these are harmless to things and people you shoot at. The real danger herein lies in the fact when you pull the trigger on the gun the plastic will shatter causing fragments of great deals and savings to become lodged in your eyes and blind you. For added comedy effect they usually make dumb sounds.
Standard Light Bulbs
There are no real dangers with these, they just burn out the second you turn them on. They make great gag gifts for friends or serious gifts to people you really hate.
These only become dangerous when you point them at police officers.
Anybody who thinks using these will protect them from break-ins and theft actually deserves to have their other cheap Chinese things stolen from them. All $0.45 of it.
Remember back when the American settlers gave those Indians the blankets that were infected with smallpox and other diseases? Yeah, those had to come from somewhere…
The fumes from one drop of the provided glue are enough to kill a horse, elephant, and probably an entire solar system.
Automotive Air Fresheners
I am not 100% sure as to the “danger quotient” of these items, but I do know one thing. They all smell the same. “Pine fresh”, “spring breeze”, it’s all the same shit, and by same shit I mean the same shit they make pencils out of.
No really, they literally are stuffed animals. They got the words translated right, but not the definition.
Remote Controlled Toys
Given the fact that you are probably powering them with the aforementioned batteries of death, playing with these toys effectively marks you as a domestic terrorist. Not only this, a grand total of zero Chinese R/C cars are listed in compliance with the FCC. The remote you’re using is probably running off of some random airline frequency and is interfering with a plane overhead. Congratulations you just killed a few hundred people (and your car blew up).
You’re now under their control.
Signs are everywhere. They’re a good source of information. Signs tell us where to go, what’s safe, if we should touch that or not, if this bag is safe for kids to play with, and if this is a box of dishwasher safe condoms. However, there are many signs people don’t know about and the genius minds here at RFSHQ have developed many signs to help you in your everyday life. You can make your own here.
– The RFSHQ Forums
[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]
Believe it or not Energizing Energy Drinks was one of the most successful series of articles on RFSHQ which means that we’re doing something right for once. Obviously, bad energy drinks translates into profit so now we have an encore performance starring three new energy drinks taken from the bargain store shelves of hell. Amongst the ranks of lost dreams and wages lay a stock of food and perishables on the brink of expiration if it weren’t for the fact that they are all sealed in airtight cans and bags. Welcome to hell, welcome to my hell.
We’ll be bringing back the old standard of judging the drinks. By this of course, I mean: Appearance, Ingredients, Smell, Taste, and Energy Received.
Appearance: Adorned with graphics likely pulled off of World War II fighter planes, Ace is not only a pilot reference, but also a poker reference as well. The can comes complete with a sexy nurse, some bullet holes and rivets, some American graphics, and a tiny little hatch where a “fire extinguisher” is supposed to be.
Ingredients: There is no flavor given to Ace but a quick browsing of the ingredients on the side of the can reveals pear, apple, pineapple, passion fruit, and mango. All of this, and of course the fact that there is only 10% juice, the other 90%, mind you, is bullshit. Without any kind of flavors mentioned, Ace goes on to proclaim that it’s “a dog fight out there” and once you “throw down an Ace” you’ll get a “physical and mental boost”. It sounds like cocaine if you ask me. It has all of this topped off with an orange pop top.
Smell: Perhaps it’s just me, but Ace smells a lot like some kind of toothpaste that’s heavily flavored with mango and passion fruit. I’ve consumed at least forty-eight tons of fruit cocktail in my life so far so I know my fruits when I smell them. I have also watched the Logo channel… but not out of choice I swear.
Taste: The second Ace hit my tongue I was met with sheer bitterness like you can’t imagine. If you were able to concentrate a few pounds of Pixy Stix powder into a liquid and put it into a can, this is exactly what Ace tastes like. It has both the aftertaste of a handful of powdered candy along with that curious sting left over from using mouthwash. If you can muscle your way past the mix of sour and dollar store confectioneries, Ace doesn’t taste as bad as some of the other stuff I’ve drank.
Energy Received: I’m not about to grow jet boosters out of my ass and take off but at the same time I’m having a difficult time keeping a straight line of thought here. Maybe it’s the ungodly amounts of Riboflavin.
Appearance: Rush has the appearance of cheap beer for some reason, it reminds me of a can of Keystone Light… not like I drink it or anything. The first thing I pick up on right away is that this is a bilingual energy drink. Everything aside from the name itself is in English and Spanish. Speaking of the name, what kind of a name is “Rush!” anyways? Every time I see it I immediately think of the Rush racing series of games and their silly little “Russssssssshhhh!” catchphrase they say before every race. In fact, now that I think of it, I can hear a distant “IT’S DANGEROUS!” as I contemplate opening the can.
Ingredients: Rush apparently is advertising some different stuff than other drinks which include “d-ribose, l-carnitine, choline, taurine, d-ribose, and l-carnitine”; all of these sound like the radioactive isotopes that Chernobyl shit into the atmosphere. Whatever “d-ribose” and “l-carnitine” is, they must be important because they are in here twice and I’m pretty sure that’s not a Spanish translation unless of course it’s in Spanish already, I really don’t know what any of those mean. Oddly enough, Rush holds all of this together with a pretty little blue pop top. Is this becoming a fad?
Smell: Rush smells exactly like the berry blue flavor of Jell-o. Bill Cosby would be proud.
Taste: It has the taste of that blue Jell-o for just a second, and then it switches over to the intense sour flavor of pineapples and nectarines minus the actual flavor and with about twice the sour of course. The can tells me that this should be “exciting my senses” but right now it’s furiously kicking them in the testicles and yes my senses have testicles. It’s becoming safe to assume anything toting a colored can opener top is going to be incredibly sour.
Energy Received: As I type this it’s leaving the aftertaste of Cracker Jack in my mouth. I suddenly am energized with the motivation to go out and buy a delicious popcorn and peanut snack.
Appearance: Rip It looks like it’s the bastard child of an orgy of surf shops and 13 year olds with Photoshop. Rip It has a minimalist approach to its design and I don’t know if that’s intentional or they just hired someone with no design talent whatsoever. If anything, with a name like “Rip It” you’d think they would have a more in your face design.
Ingredients: Rip It is apparently “A’tomic Pom” – not sure why there’s a random apostrophe in the word “atomic”, but I am fairly certain it’s all in the name of looking cool. Using all of about 38 seconds of logical thought I am assuming “Pom” is short for pomegranate which is some bizarre fruit. I saw an episode of Good Eats about the pomegranate and all I learned was basically that a pomegranate comes from outer space and is a giant foam ball full of red water balloons. Speaking of red, maybe it’s time I point out the nice little red pop top. God damn it.
Smell: Rip It has no real noticeable smell unless you physically try to shove your nose as far down into the can as possible. Five minutes and a few aluminum cuts later I can safely conclude that Rip It smells like grape jelly beans.
Taste: There certainly are no traces of foam or balloons which means that Alton Brown lied to me. To be honest I’ve never eaten a pomegranate (or seen one for that matter) so I can’t tell you if this is accurate or not. What I will say however is that this just tastes like any kind of generic fruit juice that you can buy at Wal-Mart. It’s not bad, but then again it’s not the greatest thing ever. Compared to some of the other disgusting shit in previous articles it’s safe to say that this installment has been the least unpleasant so far.
Energy Received: I have the sudden urge to watch The X-Files while playing E.T. on the Atari 2600 at the same time.
Among the ranks of nasty fetid mixtures such as Clamato and Von Dutch I suppose there really are some drinks that won’t put you in the hospital for a few days. Aside from some bizarre flavor choices (or lack thereof) and aftertastes everything shown in this article is less painful to consume than everything from the original three Energizing Energy Drinks pieces. I’m not about to suggest that you go out and buy these by the case because if anything I’d think ingesting that must artificial pineapple flavoring would kill a horse.
Sometime in the past few weeks, months, years, or however long it’s been since I’ve looked in that general direction a new restaurant popped up on the fringe of Corpus Christi, Texas. It’s called Taco Bueno, which is Spanish for “Good Taco” or literally “Decent Food, No Diarrhea”. As I entered the restaurant I was expecting to see a black male with dreadlocks behind the register informing me that I had just walked into an establishment famous for the “Good Taco” followed by a request for me to place my order. I was disappointed to find that there was no such cashier and instead just a college student who seemed relatively normal.
Ever since McDonald’s coined the term “Super Size” everyone else has had to follow suit; Burger King is using “King Size”, Wendy’s is using “Biggie Size”, and Dairy Queen is now offering “Would you like us to top that with eight pounds of overpriced ice cream Size”. Needless to say, Taco Bueno has jumped on this bandwagon with their creatively named “Bueno Size”. Everything appears to be just fucking wonderful at Taco Bueno except for one thing: The food.
I was hungry enough to eat a small child* so I wanted something big off of the menu. I settled on the “Tamale Platter” because I am a total whore for meat-stuffed lard wrapped in corn husks. The platter was about five bucks and came with three tamales, refried beans, Mexican rice, some lettuce, and of course nacho chips. It all looked quite fantastic in the picture up on the screen, and thus far every single fast food restaurant that I have been to has at least come marginally close to serving a product that resembles the pictures on the menu. When my order arrived I seriously thought it was someone else’s, they could not have served my food any more wrongly without somehow making it look closer to how it was supposed to. My chips were all in a little paper bag that was twist tied and the lettuce was in a separate cup. On top of that, the food itself looked like it came from the bowels of the devil.
* Allow me to elaborate on this. In the sentence marked with an asterisk “eat” would be defined as “devoured”, like what snakes do to mice. Not “eat” in the sense of a sexual term. Please get away from my house Chris Hansen before I get a restraining order.
My plate of food was some kind of epic train wreck of awful on so many levels. I honestly don’t know where to start, so I’m just going to start with a random piece of food on the plate and go around.
The Tamales: The platter came with three tamales, which, in the picture, were supposed to come with some kind of meat sauce or something. They were actually much smaller on the plate and resembled deep fried Lincoln Logs that were covered in a gross watery cheese sauce. Thankfully they had absolutely no taste to them whatsoever.
The Beans: Would you be surprised if I told you that my serving of beans looked like a brown version of Epcot Center covered in shredded cheddar cheese? The best part about this scoop of beans is that they somehow managed to burn the outside of it while it was in globe form. This defies all applicable forms of science.
The Rice: I’d like to believe that I was served the last little bit of rice that they currently had under the heat lamp, because this was enough cooked rice to fit into the palm of my hand without any left over. The rice tasted like a mix between pure Ramen noodle flavoring and bitter chocolate.
The Chips: Upon walking into the establishment there was a sign that, among other things, read “Fresh Chips Made Daily”. Eating at any other Mexican restaurant would have yielded actual homemade tortilla chips, but in this case I got a crazy paper bag full of chips and no salsa to go with them. Apparently they wanted me to scrape up the cheese sauce from the tamales? I didn’t plan on not being able to crap for a month so I declined the offer. The chips themselves were all the same shape and the same size, which lead me to believe that they were indeed right out of a bag and weren’t “fresh” or “made daily” to begin with.
The Lettuce: Yeah, after ingesting the other “food” on the plate I decided to pass on the lettuce, because it was just that, lettuce. Nothing more, and nothing else, just hastily shredded grass. It looked inconspicuous enough but I’m sure everyone remembers the poison AIDS spinach from earlier this year (or was it last year). I was done getting kicked in the balls for five bucks so I just threw what was left away.
My lesson was learned. For a little more money I could have had a nice Asian food buffet, but instead I figured it would have been smart to let Mexico punch me in the throat. Again.
I feel that since a lot of RFSHQ viewers are from the wonderful land known as the United “We’ll Blow Up Your Fucking Country” States that we’re all familiar with Wal-Mart in some form or another. For our foreign readers, or for the Americans who haven’t left their houses since the dinosaurs were here, Wal-Mart can best be described as a cancerous growth in the body of capitalism. Once it latches hold in a town it basically sucks everything dry (and in some cases pollutes the hell out of the environment in the process) and most local stores fold due to competition. Wal-Mart was originally created by a lazy old guy who had the sudden thought “gee I wonder what would happen if we combined a grocery store, a clothing market, an auto shop, a plant nursery, and some really disgusting customers and turned it into a store”.
The point I am eventually going to get to here is that Wal-Mart is a massive entity full of a bunch of never-used “security codes” that managers can announce on the loudspeaker to sound all cool and live out their wildest Tom Cruise Mission Impossible fantasies with. If you’ve ever walked into a Wal-Mart before you’ve probably seen the notebook paper sized “CODE ADAM” sticker that they have next to the doors. What “Code Adam” means, when spoken on the PA system, is that there’s been a child abduction. Yes, some people are stupid enough to think that you can buy children at Wal-Mart. Honestly I don’t know if I would be offended or honored if Wal-Mart named a special code after me if I was kidnapped right out of their store. You would think that maybe they would have had a system already in place in case something like that happened; they could have called it something like “Code Some Pedophile Just Jacked A Kid From The Store”.
Aside from the kiddy diddler code there are a few other codes that they have to throw around with creative names like “Red”, “Blue”, “Green”, and “1”. Some of them are obvious; “Code Red”, while also the name of a delicious soda, is their secret term for “HOLY SHIT FIRE” (because saying “fire” is too much work and studies show that you can pay employees less and they will still be willing to name basic colors). This article is meant to shed some light on some lesser-used codes that Wal-Mart has at their disposal. Next time you’re in the store hang around and see if you can hear any of these in use.
Code Transit: A person weighing over 400 pounds has burned out the motor in one of the electric shopping carts.
Code Forklift: A person weighing over 750 pounds has burned out the motor in one of the electric shopping carts and is so fat that he is currently melting over every edge of the cart.
Code Purple: Prince albums are currently on sale.
Code 300: Dangerous use of overused Internet meme jokes.
Code Lyoko: This is not a code so much as it’s really just a name of a DVD in their inventory.
Code Snickers: Somebody crapped on the floor in the bathroom again.
Code Crimson: One of the unskilled employees has severed his hand or other limb in the industrial meat cutter in the deli.
Code Tyler: This was the predecessor to “Code Adam”, but everyone thought Tyler was an asshole so they dropped this in favor of Adam.
Code Physics: A dangerously obese man has somehow destroyed a toilet in the restroom and plumbing assistance is required.
Code Black: Television theft.
Code White: “Everybody clean your shit up the health inspector is here!”
Code Sample: Usually followed by a department number; someone is sampling food without paying for it.
Code Orbit: A mother of at least five or more kids has just entered the store with the mother on a motor cart and the kids acting like an orbiting mass of destruction, obliterating everything they come into contact with.
Code America: A customer has entered the store and appears as the textbook definition of “terrorist”. All employees are ordered to stalk this customer.
Code 75: An older customer, likely senile, has become disoriented and is currently wandering around the store with his pants down.
Code Trump: Everyone is fired.
Code Hammer: All employees are ordered to stop what they are doing and perform a synchronized dance to whatever is playing over the loudspeaker. They are also urged to waste their paycheck the second they cash it.
Code Produce: Apple released another fucking iPod, time to throw the old models into the bargain bin outside the electronics department.
Code Blue: Police officers have just entered the store as customers. It is suggested that the bakery gets to work on more donuts.
Code Frank: ZOMBIES.
[Editor’s Note: This article is a retelling of an original work by comedy troupe Radio F of which Dracophile was a member of prior to Twilight Foundry.]
I spent my years as a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th grader at a small town elementary school. It was during this time that Radio F was assembled and also during this time that a lot of our material for our old joke tapes was recorded. Needless to say, as practical jokers I was not a shining symbol of “star student” although in a stroke of irony because of my high grades I was given one of those stupid Channel 3 News “STAR STUDENT” bumper stickers anyways. This article is actually two stories in one (two for the price of one now that is a deal): my frequent visits to the “In School Suspension (ISS)” detention room and also how much of a bitch our drill sergeant “physical education” teacher was. If you wanted to come up with a mathematical formula to describe the two stories’ correlations it would look something like this:
Before we get into me being sent to detention a million times a week I should first introduce you to our PE teacher. I am about 110% sure she was bipolar with a tendency to always be in what scientists call “Perma-PMS” mode. Basically anything you said or did to her was like playing a game of Operation, sometimes you’ll get away with goofing off but most of the time you’ll touch the sides and be rewarded with a loud buzzing sound and blinking lights (and a shock if the rubber came off of your tweezers). Best of all, much like the bright red light shoved up the Operation guy’s nose, the teacher’s face would turn red when she was pissed off. Needless to say, at any given time she would have been a perfect (but pissed off) spokesperson for blood drives.
I shared a PE class with RKPTJg, and if you’ve kept up with your RFSHQ trivia, he’s the fellow that I started Radio F with. We had a perfectly sane teacher during second grade, but once we turned the corner into third the shit hit the fan. For starters this was before the school had the money to build a gym or any kind of nice indoor area for exercising, when I attended the school we had a tiny portable trailer building that all of the jump ropes and basketballs were stored in and a huge concrete slab with all kinds of designs painted on it for playing four square, basketball, or some bizarre version of Monopoly crossed with Snakes & Ladders. This area took up about a fourth of the plot of land that was outside of the school, right next to it occupying the next fourth was the playground, and taking up the entire remaining half was just empty space that was fenced off so we couldn’t escape.
It was on this field that RKPTJg and I ended up doing a number of things that got one or both of us into trouble, but before I continue on with the ridiculous reasons behind my incarcerations you should know what the ISS room was like. Normally ISS was a bad thing that you never wanted to be sent to, it was the equivalent of Room 101 in 1“; people were dehumanized there and tortured until they were mere shells of what they used to be. ISS was drawn up to be some godforsaken place where everyone killed each other over saltine crackers, but in reality it was really just a really quiet room with a bunch of desks that were sectioned off where at any given time the room temperature was about forty-eight below. Overseeing this entire operation was a little old lady in the corner of the room who was always writing things down on a pad of paper. The real rules of ISS were “sit down and be quiet”. The punishment varied depending on the class, but for PE all you did was sit there and copy the rules five times off of a printed out copy of the rules, then you just sat there until the period was over. You could sleep, you could draw; you could do whatever the fuck you wanted as long as you weren’t loud.
Take a minute to remember where I lived during this time: South Texas. We have three seasons here, “hot”, “really hot”, and “not as hot as the first one but still uncomfortably hot”. Many a time I was confronted with the mental dilemma of “do I really want to be out here sweating every ounce of salt out of my body or do I feel like chilling out in ISS where it’s nice and cold.” Any idiot knows the answer to that question.
“Hey teacher! This class licks my butt!” I shouted from the back of the crowd.
“Dracophile, go to ISS” was always the response.
Sure everyone laughed at my “misfortune” of being busted yet again but the joke was on them. While they were outside with the potential to dry out and explode into dust I was safe inside my own little cubicle of the ISS room drawing pictures of classmates getting hit with trucks and dinosaurs and passing the paper under the cubicle wall to RKPTJg where we laughed and were told to be quiet. How often had we been sent to ISS? The PE class rules were seven points long; I had been in there enough times that I no longer needed the copy of the rules to write them all down. At one point in time after explaining some ludicrous reason for being sent down to the ISS room the teacher said I could go back to class if I wanted, but I contested her and said I’d rather stay here and I was honest, I said I liked the atmosphere. Cold and quiet, just like my apparently blackened heart. Clearly ISS was the better choice, and despite what everyone says about kids not getting exercise and eating like shit, I’ve been eating the same mix of fast food, TV dinners, Chef Boyardee, and home cooked meals for almost twenty years and I’ve been about as active as the average American, and I’m not overweight at all. There’s a difference between making entire McDonalds franchise restaurants run out of stock and eating like a normal person.
With that reference to kids shaped like beach balls I think it’s time we redirect our attention back to physical education, most notably that giant grassy field where most of our “active” exercise took place, since if you fell down on the concrete it was guaranteed to fuck you up pretty hardcore. I was sent to ISS for a number of retarded reasons, ranging from not being able to touch my toes without bending my knees to somehow not doing jumping jacks the “right way”. One day that I was guaranteed a day off without having to go to ISS again or sacrifice my grade though was the dreaded “Lap Day”, which had a really simple premise: run around the perimeter of the grassy field and pick up straws for every lap; a lap was considered all the way around and back to the teachers who both had a handful of brown and white coffee stirrers.
There’s a reason why RKPTJg and I both had “STAR STUDENT” bumper stickers (and also a reason why we both ended up graduating in the top 10% of our class), we aren’t morons. The first time we had lap day we knew these were just stirrers from Wal-Mart so we bought a bag of them for no more than about a buck fifty and just brought some with us to class on those days. We ran one lap so that the teacher would at least see us take a straw from her. By then she would lose count because of all the students, so we would just quietly break off from the grass field and go sit in the shade over at the playground which was strategically blocked from view by some poorly placed trailer buildings. She would blow her whistle which meant that this was your final lap and to stop and come give her your straws so she can tally your score. Five straws was an “A” for the day, and wouldn’t you know it just so happens that we had some straws stashed in our pockets that brought our final count to five. We did this for two years until she moved us all to a different concentration camp that didn’t have a place to hide, so we just walked and brought straws anyways.
Toward the middle of my third grade year, when we were first learning how to deal with this insane teacher we had, one day she told us that kickball was on the menu. For those not in the know, think of kickball like baseball plus soccer and minus any kind of intelligent planning whatsoever. It was my turn up to “bat” and the pitcher rolled the ball my way. I felt like being an asshole so I kicked the ball as hard as humanly possible with the tip of my foot. The rubber dodgeball immediately left my foot heading opposite the way it traveled at an upward angle. As soon as I kicked that ball I knew where it was heading and realized I just made a stupid mistake.
There was a loud rubber “THUD” as the ball made contact with the pitcher’s face, snapping his neck backwards and sending him straight to the ground. The ball hit the kid so hard that it busted his lip and gave him a bloody nose. From second base RKPTJg got to see the spectacle from behind and after a few seconds of silence we both started laughing uncontrollably as the pitcher writhed on the ground in pain while the teachers were asking if he was okay. I wasn’t aiming for the kid’s face but it literally just flew up there like it was a magnet and we were laughing more out of nervousness than hilarity, although in retrospect the way he fell down was pretty hilarious. Once the kid got back up he was escorted to the nurse’s office by the PE aide.
“Dracophile, RKPTJg” the teacher said, “go to ISS.”