It was brought to my attention by a certain fellow with an affinity for large reptiles that PBS, also known as “that channel you used to watch Sesame Street on”, has quite a presence on YouTube. They have everything ranging from a show hosted by an actual child to radio shows from fucking Alaska and even an animated series whose trailer literally features Tupac and Ray Charles in the same video. That aside, you may be most familiar with PBS Digital Studios’ joint production with melodysheep, the Mr. Rogers “Garden of Your Mind” music video. It’s all quite fantastic and I’m pleased to see PBS managing to get by through the production of all of this Portlandia-esque crap but whatever, there’s a very specific “station” within the PBS YouTube network that is the focal point of this article: the PBS “Idea Channel”.

This whole mess started when Dracophile texted me three “titles” of videos from the PBS Idea Channel. He pointed out that two of them were fakes and only one of them was legitimate and my job was to guess which one was correct. Here’s the problem, every single video title sounded like a fucking joke. They literally all read like a @Horse_ebooks tweet and I was convinced I was being fucked with because nobody would name something “The Experience of Being Trolled” unless they were a socially crippled furry trying to get their Encyclopedia Dramatica page taken down. But no, Dracophile revealed to me that this was indeed an actual fucking video by linking me to said video.

From here, a game was created based upon this very concept and Dracophile allegedly tested it out on his roommate and colleagues. Apparently it was a hit because he informed me that the PBS Idea Channel game was worth pursuing and that I’d be the best candidate to make fun of this hipster bullshit so here I am writing up this stupid game. I’ve finally been typecast for my role as a cynical piece of Internet garbage, I’m a real eMichael Cera.

Okay, the rules of this game are simple and you yourself will be able to play it in this very article. Below is a collection of video titles. One of them is actually the title of a video from the PBS Idea Channel. The others are all really shitty jokes that have been written by either myself, Dracophile, or a guest writer who uses the screen name “Music Shemale”. Wonderful. I’m not sure where Dracophile found him/her but their name is a very redundant method of saying “RuPaul”. Anyways, here’s the game. There’s a link under each group of video titles that contains the answer presented by means of the actual YouTube thumbnail for the video because these things are fucking ridiculous.

 

ONE

“Can Twerking Save Your Life?”
“Is Instagram the Best Thing to Ever Happen to Photography?”
“Is the Selfie the Quintessential Expression of Sexuality?”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

TWO

“Are MP3s & Vinyl Better than Live Music?”
“Is Music Piracy Helping TicketMaster?”
“Can You Download a Bear?”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

THREE

“What’s the Deal With Unboxing Videos?”
“What’s Really the Deal with Airline Food?”
“What’s the Deal with Jerry Seinfeld Impressions?”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

FOUR

“Cartoons, Dadaism, and Yiffing: A Valentine’s Day Episode”
“Obesity, Diarrhea, and Dissertations: A Christmas Episode”
“Sandwiches, Modernity, and Lyrics: A Thanksgiving Episode”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

FIVE

“What if 13 was 14?”
“When Does a Song Actually End?”
“Is the Internet Cats?”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

SIX

“Can Anime Cure Depression?”
“Does It Matter What Evangelion’s Creator Says?”
“Can You 3D Print a Fleshlight?!”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

SEVEN

“Are Hologram Tupac and Hologram Freddie Mercury Nostalgia or New Aesthetic?”
“What’s the Psychology Behind Pornographic Disney Fan Art?”
“What if Jeff Foxworthy was the Second Coming of Christ?”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

EIGHT

“Does Animal Crossing Promote Otaku Citizenship?”
“What Really Happens at a Furry Convention?”
“What’s the Link Between Sonic and Autism?”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

NINE

“Was Mr. Hands Really in the Wrong?”
“Would You Date a My Little Pony Character?”
“Are Bronies Changing the Definition of Masculinity?”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

TEN

“Could Chuck E. Cheese’s Save the Stock Market?”
“How Will The Animated GIF Affect The Presidential Election?”
“Should Trans People Really Have Equal Rights?”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

ELEVEN

“What do MP3s and Magic Spells Have in Common?”
“How You Can Hypnotize Yourself into Incontinence with iDoser?!”
“Could ‘To Catch a Predator’ Be a Movie?”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

TWELVE

“Is The Universe A Computer?”
“If You Put a Shrinky Dink in the Microwave Will You Go Back in Time?”
“Is Stephen Hawking Actually a Crippled Cyborg?”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

THIRTEEN

“Are Mens’ Rights Activists Paving the Way for Dating Rights?”
“Is Public Shaming Via Social Media the New Vigilante Justice?”
“Can Dungeons & Dragons Make You A Confident & Successful Person?”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

FOURTEEN

“What if Bananas Were Purple?”
“Are Otherkin People Really Dragons?”
“Does Fiction Exist? (ft. Harry Potter)”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

FIFTEEN

“What Happens When You Hold in a Fart Too Long?”
“What Do Santa and Wrestling Have In Common?”
“Can You Hide a Body Using Only Prayer Blankets?”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

BONUS ROUND

“How Did Sherlock Holmes Pave the Way for 50 Shades of Grey?”
“Is Nic Cage the Intersection of YOLO and Taoism?”
“Does Twitch Plays Pokemon Give You Hope for Humanity?”

[CLICK HERE FOR THE ANSWER]

 

How well did you do? If you managed to get a few of them right that’s probably because statistically you’re going to get at least one or two by guessing and you realized after the third or fourth question that using any form of logic on this exercise is a naff fucking effort. If you totaled up your correct responses and got over half of them right then you have some explaining to do and I implore you to reconsider your choices in online entertainment. Normally if you got all fifteen correct the predictable punchline might be “you’re the host of this channel hur hur” but no, I’m not going that route; if you got all fifteen questions correct then you’re not the host of PBS Idea Channel, you’re their retarded fucking PR manager whose job it is to sit there trying to be witty while rehashing tired ass memes in an attempt to clickbait pretentious hipsters looking to engage in some serious ego autofellatio. If you’re that person, fuck you.

By the way there is no “win scenario” for this game. By virtue of participating in the PBS Idea Channel game you have lost.

– Roastmaster, Dracophile, and Music Shemale

In the world of website building there’s this little thing called “SEO” or “Search Engine Optimization”; surely you’ve heard of this. SEO is just an elaborate charade that someone who owns a website performs so that they can maximize their exposure and rake in that mad Google AdSense cash. For the record, TwilightFoundry.com has made exactly two cents over the course of this past month. When divided up evenly between the two people who work on this project both myself and Roastmaster get a penny. I don’t really care too much about SEO because this website is just a hobby and most everyone here has a “real job” to pay the bills. However, that didn’t stop me from setting up Google Analytics so I could at least see how people are finding this place.

Bad idea.

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Pictured above: BUSINESS. SYNERGY.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with Google Analytics. The tracking software gives me more information than I can be bothered to learn how to interpret so I really only pay attention to the search terms that people are using to find this website and that’s the central idea of this article; there are some people out there looking for some seriously fucked up things and for inexplicable reasons they are finding TwilightFoundry.com in their results. To spell that out a little more clearly, these are real search terms that people are entering into their browsers, seeing TwilightFoundry.com in the results, and then clicking on said result thinking they’ll get Sonic the Hedgehog porn or something.

I promise I have not made any of these up. Below are 12 examples of my favorite terms that have literally brought traffic to this website.

 

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I don’t understand this one. I mean, I know what horses are and I know what rimming is, and in this case “anus” is kind of redundant since that is sort of implied with the whole “rimming” bit. The person who searched for this wants to lick a horse’s ass. I’m fine with that, whatever floats your boat yeah yeah, but what confuses me is the inclusion of “e621”. It’s not that I don’t know what that is, it’s a furry porn aggregator, but rather why it was included in a Google search when the person doing it could have just as easily gone to the fucking website directly and keyed in exactly what he googled for and skipped the middleman here.

No, really. Here, in the name of going above and beyond to provide for our visitors here’s a link to exactly what this lazy furry couldn’t be bothered to properly search for so the next time they decide to roll the dice on  equestrian analingus they’ll have their legwork done already. Do not click these words because I assure you no good will come of it. (NSFW)

 

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Yes.

 

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This search term has got to be a memetic attack of some sort because once I saw it crop up in TwilightFoundry.com’s search term results I had to search for it myself to find out what the hell this person was looking for. To be honest I don’t know why I searched for it; I am not fond of Miranda Cosgrove, I’m indifferent toward ice cream, and I’m not exactly sure I’m all gung-ho about getting into a story where iCarly blows Jamie Kennedy.

That was a Max Keeble’s Big Move reference, by the way.

searchterms_maxkeeble

Best movie. 10/10 would watch again.

Also, searching for this on Google does indeed bring up TwilightFoundry.com as a result. On Bing? Horse porn. That’s Sarah Jessica Parker, Bing, not Miranda Cosgrove. You’re not even close. For fuck’s sake can you do anything right?

Just because I don’t like Miranda Cosgrove doesn’t mean no one else does though. If memory serves me right I believe I can name at least one person who has an unhealthy affinity for terrible Nickelodeon actresses. I bet this was his doing.

 

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I don’t get why so many furry sex terms bring people to this website. If you’re someone who’s looking for furry porn then you already know what it is, what it’s called, and you have got to be aware by now that there are literally dozens if not hundreds of websites devoted to cataloging and sorting this shit out into fetishes that I’m convinced do not and cannot exist outside of the furry fandom. TwilightFoundry.com is not one of those websites. There are exactly zero images of uncensored furry porn here. We’ve provided exactly as many explicit images of furries having sex as we have reasons to vote Republican, or reasons to vote at all for that matter.

Why do you people keep coming here? Why? Do I really have to break and do the same fucking things I did for you that I did for the horse butthole guy earlier in the article?

Fine.

Here.

Here.

Here.

Here.

You’re welcome. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

 

header_googleterms4

I’m aware that there is a “Horse Lovin” Ken doll, a “club” Ken doll where he’s literally wearing a cock ring on a necklace, a Barbie doll with a fetus inside of it, and a racist black Barbie doll that says “Oreo” on it but never have I heard of a “nude fucking” Barbie that comes with a sex robot. Considering I just rattled off four extremely questionable (and real) dolls at the beginning of this paragraph I would venture a guess that “Fucking Machines Barbie” is probably a real thing and I apologize that we have not yet covered it on this website. We’ll get right on that.

 

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This is a distressing search term not just because it brought someone to this website (GO AWAY) but because its wording implies something far more nefarious than babyfurs or adult babies or regression play or Pamperchu or whatever the fuck else this is called. I give up. I hate life. I know there are people out there who not only possess the autism required to like Sonic more than what’s socially acceptable but also have the necessary predisposition to enjoy scat porn — the unholy triumvirate. If you are this person I don’t want to know you.

 

header_googleterms6

The great thing about this search term is that I can guess where the visitor ended up. This search inevitably brought them to the “7 Most Retarded Collectible Coins” article where this “$20 coin” — which, for the record, is actually a 100% authentic World Trade Center silver certificate with legal tender status in fucking Liberia — was blasted for being one of the stupidest and most offensive pieces of shit released into the collector’s market. Here is a person who was either duped into buying one of these things or accepted one in lieu of payment for something else because they thought it was worth twenty bucks and when they decided to do some research on it they were directly insulted by this website for having obtained one.

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For reference, it’s this abomination they searched for.

Then again, when the article uses the phrasing “Most Retarded” in its title I guess if you decided to click through you kind of had it coming?

 

header_googleterms11

Roastmaster’s article about scary TV logos and autism is one of the most popular and most-read articles published by Twilight Foundry. For the past three months the “Autistic’s Guide To Scary TV Logos” article has received more search term traffic than any other article on the site and understandably it also has the most search terms attached to it. I’ve yet to figure out if the search terms are indicative of the CLG Wiki googling themselves or if our article is some sort of underground hit with them; surprisingly, there is no incoming traffic from the CLG Wiki website that I am aware of.

 

header_googleterms7

Clearly, this search brought someone to the article I originally wrote on GatorAIDS about how much of a shitty and fake production Weaponizers on the Discovery Channel was. This in and of itself isn’t an inherently bad search term but it’s here because there’s something I’ve been hiding from you all this whole time. No, it’s not some proof that Weaponizers was in fact 100% legitimate, it’s the fact that one of the “contestants” of this “show” was apparently googling himself one day and found this article when it was hosted at GatorAIDS. He left me a “nice” comment detailing how little I apparently knew about television and insisted the show was real. I didn’t make a big deal about this at the time because when the comment was posted GatorAIDS had closed… but I never forgot. Apparently he didn’t either because someone is still trying to find out if this clearly fake show was faked. (Spoiler: Yes.)

I am working on a second article as we speak that takes a second look at Weaponizers and the contestant’s snide remarks to prove once and for all yes, this show was goddamned fake.

 

header_googleterms8

I’m assuming this search term led the visitor to the review of that god awful “Sushi-Go-Round” game that Miniclip farted out for the Nintendo DS. I’m not going to lie, I think “Weird Sushi Goaround Fuck” is not only the best possible way to describe this game but also a much better title for it as well.

 

header_googleterms12

Twilight Foundry neophyte Komodo88’s work has been making the rounds lately. As of this posting he has two articles with us, one about furry shirts and another about the movie Space Jam. The Space Jam article is seeing a fair amount of attention on Tumblr and the article itself has accrued a respectable amount of views in the past month considering this is a relatively new website. The list of search terms that brings people here is kind of like the notation of pi, it’s just a random assortment of crap that makes little to no sense at all except with slightly more of a pattern behind it; much like how pi has the Feynman point (a streak of six 9’s in a row) our search terms also have a streak of their own. Since they’re all Space Jam related I’m calling it the Jordan-Barkley convergence.

This streak of search terms starts off innocuously with “space jam monstars” and then immediately turns into “space jam movie juice”. I don’t know what that is and I don’t want to know what that is, however I worry that the people who are searching for this movie and finding TwilightFoundry.com have ulterior motives because the very next search term is “space jam aliens transform” followed immediately by “space jam aliens steal talent”. Maybe you’re giving these people (or likely, this person) a generous benefit of the doubt here and they’re just looking for what are arguably the most pivotal plot points in that movie. It’s a fucking Looney Tunes movie but fine, I’ll go with this hypothetically. Allow me to obliterate any doubt you might have because the fifth and final search term is “space jam inflation scene”.

spacejam_7_wayneinflate4

Photographic proof that God does not exist.

Komodo88, and I truly mean this with the utmost sincerity here, please go back to the furry fandom from whence you came and never return again.

 

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We’re a comedy website not miracle workers here.

 

– Dracophile

Open a new tab in your web browser of choice. Go on, do it. Punch “twilight foundry” into your search bar and check out the images that come up. Fair warning, if you use Bing you’re going to see a disgustingly large amount of My Little Pony pornography (Twilight Sparkle) and if you’re using Google you’ll see a lot of our logos and random pictures from various articles here that get a fair amount of traffic. I didn’t check with Yahoo because I forgot they existed. Also, before we continue I just want to point out how fucked up it is that in regards to Bing any instance of “twilight” in a search term brings up cartoon horse porn. It’s like Bing knows we’re far outside of the age of making fun of that terrible vampire movie and has moved right into what’s currently hot. Purple horse vagina. Anyway, no matter your search engine of choice in any case you’re going to see this thing show up somewhere in the first handful of results:

archive_hqaward3

Twilight Foundry Awesome Award, Great Job!

That is the most obtuse fucking thing in the world and hilariously enough it is and has been the most persistent result when searching for “twilight foundry” in any search engine for the past decade. The reason for this is because the graphic was hosted at the popular (and now defunct) Sonic HQ which if you rewind time thirteen years was one of many frequent hangout spots of the original Twilight Foundry lineup. Since Sonic HQ received tons of traffic, and because that picture’s metadata contained the phrase “twilight foundry” on their servers, this is what every single search engine saw when they crawled Sonic HQ’s website and that’s how they interpreted “twilight foundry”. A shitty “top anime sites” award. Anime, because when I think “Sonic the Hedgehog” I immediately default to goofy ass characters with giant eyes.

Wait, that may not have been a good example.

To be completely honest with you I was kinda hoping that stupid abomination would have gone away on its own because surely over the years it’s confused countless people who’ve searched for “twilight foundry” looking for a map of the bonus level of the same name in Blast Corps. Much to my dismay it never went away. A fun side note, that image comes before any pictures of Blast Corps in search results from Bing; this fucking thing will not die. As much as I personally hate that stupid award graphic I guess in a sense it’s Foundry canon and there’s a story behind it just like every other bogus artifact from our bygone years. Since I am the only remaining member of Twilight Foundry’s original cast I guess the responsibility to tell this story falls upon me, right?

greatjob_TFtime

Pretty shitty finish time there, “Grand High Slaughtermaster”.

The Sonic HQ award is a relic from an older Internet back when things like webrings and spinning email GIF’s were en vogue. Awards were one of the fads of the era and everyone was giving them out both because they wanted traffic to their own sites and because niche communities were and still are huge circlejerks. Most awards weren’t 320 x 240 splashes because in the early 00’s that would have filled up a pretty generous amount of screen real estate. The reason why that picture is so large is because I’m about 90% certain it’s simply a resized screenshot from a Sega Genesis emulator of one of the various wacky level titlecards from a Sonic the Hegdehog game or something. That text was clearly plastered on with MS Paint and that background is far too ornate to have been made by the same person. The layered opacity of the blue stripes is beautifully contrasted by the haphazardly applied lettering of which I count at least four different fonts and by “beautifully contrasted” I actually mean “ruins the entire picture”.

The aforementioned person, by the way, was Twilight Foundry’s resident autistic otaku Lewis. I don’t know if Lewis is actually autistic mostly because that particular epithet didn’t “exist” thirteen years ago but since I’m writing this article in 2014 about some nonsensical crap that happened in 2001 I believe I am entitled to use some updated descriptors to jazz this borefest up so that it can be obsoleted by whatever hip lingo people are using in 2024. Lewis was really big into video games and anime and all sorts of other nonsense made of plastic that was collectible. Twilight Foundry shared a communal forums account on places like Sonic HQ and I guarantee almost all of them were posts by Lewis. I know this because he was always idle in every single MSN chatroom that the four of us frequented. Any time I popped into the Toonami chatroom he was there and he was always talking about something. I honestly have no idea what he is up to these days but I’d be willing to venture a guess that he’s some wildly popular anime blogger while I’m sitting here in the dust with a bunch of old shit I can’t get anyone to read.

greatjob_mobiusforum

The Mobius Forum is apparently STILL a thing. Here’s our decade+ old Sonic HQ account.

Anyways, Lewis had this idea to start this “contest” in our MSN chatroom where people who hung around with us could vote for their favorite websites in a bunch of random categories on our website. I honestly do not remember how he organized this because I’m fairly certain if he would’ve tried to code a script he’d have broken the entire Twilight Zone site and I’d have remembered fixing that. Regardless, apparently the “Best Sonic Site” category was nested inside of the broader “anime” subject even though the Sonic franchise is based largely in video games and comic books. Sure, that’s anime I guess. Whatever. I’m more impressed that he was able to name two more Sonic websites at the time because thinking back to those days there really was Sonic HQ and nowhere else for Sonic news and fandom. I have no idea why Sonic HQ — a site that boasted millions of visitors — ended up in third place. My best guess is that Lewis took input/nominations from the chatrooms and the people contained in said chatrooms ended up voting for their own websites. As screwed up as that is it’s still more “fair and balanced” than Fox News.

The stupid thing is that Sonic HQ straight up slammed that gaudy image on their website like it was some magical badge of humbleness because everything else on their awards page was “first place this” and “first place that” and smack in the middle of this ass pat parade was “3RD PLACE GREAT JOB”.

greatjob_sonicHQaward

Sonic HQ even had its own award that you had to steal from someone else’s site to get it without the watermark.

The Twilight Foundry award is so appealingly bad it’s actually hilarious. What’s even better is that apparently every other recipient of our prestigious award has gone belly up because I sifted through image search results until they dissolved into Internet oblivion and I could not find a single one anywhere not even on some ironic snark blog that uses The Wayback Machine to crawl old versions of formerly popular websites looking for trash to scavenge and regurgitate on Tumblr. I can’t tell you the names of the Sonic fansites that were allegedly “better” than Sonic HQ; I can’t even tell you what the other award categories were or if they used a different wacky background for that matter. All I have to go by is a fuzzy memory that Google simply wouldn’t let go of. As much as the Sonic HQ award bothers me with its affront to any and all typesetting conventions (even by 2001 standards) in a sense I suppose I’m glad it’s still floating around out there online. It’s the only relic from the original Twilight Zone website that is still a part of the Internet’s collective consciousness and its placement in search results has served as a bizarre “remember meeeeee” cry from the Foundry for longer than I can care to try and comprehend.

It’s a piece of our history that I have to learn to like and accept for what it is because if the past 14 years have been any indication that damned thing isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

– Dracophile & Lewis

Well, well, well. The brand new Twilight Foundry website… and I get to be the one christening it on its maiden voyage. I don’t know whether to be honored or just hang my jaw agape in awe that it took Twilight Foundry something like TEN YEARS to get the bright idea that maybe they should have a site again. I kid. Wait, no I don’t. Did you miss me? My name is Roastmaster and I’m all about Internet culture and all that other assorted yappy technological bullshit; I was one of the lead columnists at GatorAIDS — the comedy blog, not the failed furry-themed gaming website. My first contribution to a Twilight Foundry project was a piece for GatorAIDS in 2009 called “Remembering Billy Mays“.

Cynicism aside I am glad to be back. For my debut article here I am going to be discussing something near and dear to my heart: domain names. Actually, I couldn’t give a shit about domain names one way or the other but I figured that was an appropriate segue into the article. After the “More” jump are 144 of the most retarded “new top level domains” being shit out into the Internet by IANA or ICANN or whichever other “we didn’t get the memo that the ‘i’ needs to be lowercase” organization responsible for this garbage. I didn’t pick a literal gross of gTLD’s as a funny “eww they’re gross” stab, it just so happens there are at least one hundred and forty-four of these things that are absolute trash. Anyways here’s the stupid article about insignificant Internet bullshit:

 

gtld_headerA

I really don’t know how to introduce the subject of domain names to you. You know what they are. You went to Twilight Foundry “dot com” in your browser. I really just don’t know how to explain it to you any further without following it up with an honest question about your favorite crayon flavor. Surely you’re familiar with domains like .com (commerce), .org (organizations), .net (networking/communication), .edu (education), and .gov (government). That pretty much covers all the bases here. Different countries have their own domains to suit local needs and businesses but for the most part we’re all on the same page regarding what a “dot com” is and what it’s for, correct? Good. Because IANA — the Internet Assigned Numbers Authority (which, as I’ve learned, is not a made up organization and actually has that stupid name) — is about to fuck that all up on behalf of ICANN, as in “yes, ICANN fuck that up for you”.

Over a decade ago the adware moguls at NewDotNet — winners responsible for exposing minors to pornographic pop-up ads and causing a teacher to lose her license because of her malware-infected computer — had the bright idea to “sell” premium TLD’s to people dumb enough to install their browser-based adware. These TLD’s were fake and only worked in an infected browser because “mysite.shop” was really “mysite.shop.new.net”. Exponentially nested subdomains, what a great deal. According to Wikipedia, NewDotNet offered the following “premium” domains for the super bargain of approximately $30/year: .agent, .arts, .auction, .chat, .church, .club, .family, .free, .game, .golf, .inc, .law, .llc, .llp, .love, .ltd, .med, .mp3, .school, .scifi, .shop, .soc, .sport, .tech, and .video — a huge, unwieldy, and stupid selection. All of these (except for .mp3) are now represented in IANA’s new proposal list of premium TLD’s.

Someone somewhere had the bright idea to take inspiration from the rotting corpse of NewDotNet and started proposing new “top level domains” (gTLD’s); things like .photography and .menu. Those are stupid single-purpose domains, but whatever. No harm I guess. The issue here isn’t that these domains are stupid, it’s that whomever came up with this list of suggestions did not know when to stop and now there are literally almost one thousand of these terrible fucking ideas in the pipeline. The fact that all of these suggested domains are meaningless now becomes a serious issue especially considering some of these fucking things are redundant and/or identical to other domains. Someone suggests .mobi for websites optimized for phones and tablets? Great. Someone else comes in and suggests .mobile (yes, it’s there) because they write their R’s backward? Look, I’m so sorry about your apparent learning disability but that’s just retarded.

What follows is a comprehensive dismantling of these terrible ideas. This isn’t all of the new TLD’s, but here’s the stupidest suggestions.

 

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The porn industry exploded on the Internet. No, there was not a jizz reference in the previous sentence but if you wish there to be one then fine, I totally made a cumshot joke in the previous sentence. It is widely known that the adult entertainment industry (for you gentlemen out there, all one of you) was the first industry to start raking in money online when they found out people would also pay money to see digital tits.

Let’s be frank about pornography before I start cracking jokes about it; it’s a very controversial subject matter online and back in the nineties there were comprehensive “kid friendly Internet” safety programs created specifically to prevent children from seeing adult images. For fuck’s sake, the websites for both Playboy and Yahooligans ended with the same TLD. The solution to this was to introduce a TLD specifically for porn, .xxx; you’d think that this would be a great idea because filtering software could literally just go “does this website end with .xxx” and block things. Unfortunately, idiot politicians and people capable of fitting an entire Bible into their ass threw a shit fit when .xxx was introduced in 2000. It didn’t get approved for use until 2011.

Sure, fine, whatever. That’s great, but what about these hot new gTLD’s? Namecheap has these “adult” domains in their own hush-hush category, go on and check it out. Half of these new domains are synonyms for .xxx and the other half is just the same word with a one letter difference. What’s the fucking point? Is there really a difference between any of these domains other than attempting to provide an air of classiness around them? Are they for shit like “upscalewomengarglingpiss.adult” to denote something pinky-out while the existing porn TLD is meant for trashy things like “fuckmygapingheadwound.xxx”? Why even bother with the .sex TLD for that matter? Isn’t that kind of implied because it’s a porn site? Are people too stupid to assume that “buttholeswithcrazydiameters.com” isn’t somehow pornographic?

Also, there’s a .wang. It’s not officially listed as an adult domain, it’s an Asian region one, but I can see “suk-on-mai.wang” coming from a mile away. I mean centimeters away.

 

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From an objective standpoint I can get behind a gTLD dedicated to photo galleries or other kinds of image-heavy presentations. What I can’t get behind, however, are six gTLD’s that are all essentially the same goddamned thing. The .photography gTLD is for artists who are serious about their work, I get that, but I’m absolutely positive these people are already grossly outnumbered by dozens if not hundreds of “downsouthtexaspregnancy.photography” and “allwedoarepicturesofbabiesandthatsitexceptmaybebadseniorportraits.photography” websites that are going to immediately devalue the domain. There is no prestige associated with a premium domain full of cannon fodder for You Are Not a Photographer. All of these domains are doomed to suffer the same fate which is being used by a soccer mom whose only job according to her Facebook profile is “FULL TIME MOM at MOM” spending her husband’s money on an expensive camera she knows nothing about so she can post fourteen dozen pictures of her feet on a beach and her autistic kid building a lopsided sandcastle. She does weddings and birthday parties cheap cheap cheap so you know you’re paying for quality and it’s in her “company” guarantee that she will weigh at least 300 pounds and show up to your event wearing a filled-out Tweety Bird sweater with a witty comment on it.

Beyond that, again I reiterate: why the fuck are there six photography domains? Why is one of them a plural version of one of the others? Why is there a domain for “pictures” but also “pics”? Doesn’t that sound a bit like “pix” instead? Why didn’t they go with that for brevity? Who needs this many fucking domains, especially just for photography? Was “mycompanyphotography.com” just too much of a pain in the ass to type out? Are there so many fauxtographers taking up every single possible photography .com that IANA declared a state of emergency to quarantine them all to gimmick domains? I think I’m onto what the larger plan is here; IANA is looking to lure all these idiots who think spelling out “BABY” in blocks on a pregnant woman’s stomach is a completely original idea to these fringe and forgettable complex domains so people won’t pay them any attention.

Great job, IANA. You’ve won me over. End of article. Or not, because there are still…

 

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By default, 100% of these domains are stupid and redundant, but this category is for a very special kind of redundancy: pluralized domains. I’m talking about .game and .games, two domains that already don’t need to exist and one of which that absolutely should not exist under any circumstances whatsoever. Furthermore, we have a special kind of double redundancy going on with a war between .home, .property, and the plural versions of both of these domains. It’s not an official part of this list because there’s no plural version but there’s also a .realestate further screwing up the already invisible legitimacy of these property-based domains. How many gTLD’s do you need to sell a fucking house? What about an apartment? Oh, you mean to say there already is a .apartment? Fan-fucking-tastic. Why offer specific domains when you have a premium domain for the umbrella, and vice versa? (Don’t answer that, it’s hypothetical because the answer is “both kinds of domains are for stupid people”.)

There are as many domains for properties as there are for out of focused pictures of naked babies drinking from a dirty sprinkler. Hilariously, and completely unrelated to that, there are not one but two domains for accountants, one of them plural. I guess that would be fine considering some accountants work independently and some work with a firm, but that kind of gets overridden by the fact that there are domains for .bank, .money, .cash, and .investments to completely muddy the need for any of those domains. Which one is the most important? None of them. Bankers already get enough kickbacks and perks, they don’t need their own domain extension. If they absolutely have to have one, I propose they be forced to use .wang because fuck them.

Finally, there’s a domain redundancy for Broadway. Yes, that Broadway. There’s .broadway and for no apparent reason there’s .bway. Never in my lifetime have I heard someone use the term “bway”. I don’t know if it’s an attempt to sound hip or what, but frankly I don’t think you can make Broadway “hip” to people. You either suck cock or you don’t. Those are facts.

 

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Fresh off the homophobic remark from that last section is a category that begins with “homo” because I’m thoughtful like that. Much to my dismay, I learned recently that a “homophone” is not a mobile phone with the Grindr app installed on it but rather a word that sounds like another word. The entire point of a domain name is to have an original sounding end to it so that people can remember it and instantly go to your site; it’s why we don’t have a .com and .comm. Knowing that, you can understand my frustration when I found an instance of homophonic domains in the form of .coupon and .qpon (say the last one aloud reading the first letter by itself). I guess frugal mothers who buy their furniture at Big Lots need resources where they can obsessively comb over coupons to save a quarter on canned tuna or whatever it is people in loveless marriages do with their time; enter the .coupon conundrum.

Visually, .coupon and .qpon are pretty different. That’s great, but now imagine you’ve just heard a radio ad for a website called “kidshaircutsforcheapcunts.coupon”. Are you sure that it was “.coupon” you heard? How can you be so sure? Did the person in the ad spend the extra few moments explaining “kidshaircutsforcheapcunts.coupon, that’s coupon without the Q, you cheap cunt”? Probably not. Now you have to go home and try bringing that website up and there’s a 50% chance you’re going to get it wrong. Literally a coin flip, but you wouldn’t dare risk losing a coin under the sofa by flipping it and missing the catch, you cheap cunt.

Sidenote, there’s also .football and .futbol which technically may not count since one is an international domain that’s also pronounced “fuit-bol” but that’s beside the point. To the uninitiated and culturally insensitive they’re going to sound like the same website.

Homophonic domains only serve to offer unintentional misinformation to people. In the analogy mentioned earlier, about cheap cunts who get their kids’ hair cut once a year and insist on using a coupon when doing so, there’s an opportunity for a rival distributor to purchase the available .qpon/.coupon domain. I realize I just implied that there’s some bizarre cutthroat market for stingy bitches at SuperCuts but I’d like you to expand your vision of that analogy further to any possible circumstance involving coupons or someone kicking an inflated ball. If you only hear the domain there is literally nothing stopping you from going to an incorrect website masquerading as the one you’re trying to reach, and you’d be none the wiser.

 

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Oh cool, a domain reserved specifically for schools and universities! Man, wouldn’t that be really stupid of IANA if we already had one of those? Especially if it was originally introduced in 1985 as one of the first generic top-level domains.

Good thing that doesn’t exist, though.

 

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There is exactly one possible website for this domain and it’s “thewarinthe.persiangulf”. That is it. Why this domain was even suggested in the first place is a fucking mystery.
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There’s a Bill O’Reilly joke in here somewhere that starts with “www.thewaron” and ends with “.christmas” but I’m not going to make it… or assemble it since I’ve already kind of made it. I’m not going to focus on that; instead I’m going to point out how bizarre it is that there’s a gTLD offered for one specific holiday officially lasting one day out of the year. There are eight times as many reasons why Hanukkah should get a domain (.kosher doesn’t count, it exists) but you don’t see the Jewish community getting some trendy domain extension to celebrate around. The fact that .christmas exists is one more piece of evidence to call bullshit when Christians get their circumcised dicks in a crucifix over “religious prosecution”. They’re getting their own top-level domain for an overblown holiday; if that’s not outright favoritism then apparently I’m dumber than they are.

What are people with a .christmas domain supposed to do for the other 11 months out of the year when people don’t give a shit about Christmas? Even if Christmas has stretched into November I can guarantee people aren’t going to give two fucks about remembering Jesus in the middle of June. And is Black Friday really so important that it demands its own domain extension when the United States is the only country in the world that rewards fat people with cheap consumer goods for trampling underpaid security guards? Who is going to rationally use a .blackfriday extension? Companies have been just fine getting by with a link to “upstandingamericancompany.com/black-friday” on their homepage for the past 20 years, are they now supposed to do the same thing but link to “dealsyouprobablywouldntcareaboutatanyothertimeofyear.blackfriday” instead?

 

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The American healthcare system is a fucking wreck. It is the worst-possible case of rampant disorganization, highway robbery, and sheer ineptitude realized. Since I’ve told you something you probably already knew, here’s something new coming up that will surely further the 100% respectable marketplace that is the world of healthcare: about a dozen highly-specific domains intended for a ton of one-off uses that people aren’t going to remember. The eponymous .healthcare is among these, as is .insurance, however the real cream of the crop are some great repeats of redundancy that we’ve already seen; things like .doctor and .doc, or .medical and .med. There are also specialized TLD’s for clinics, hospitals, and pharmacies which boggles my mind because I genuinely do not understand how hard it is to remember a .com that includes “clinic” or “hospital” as part of the name. Also people are too stupid to know how to spell “pharmacy” so good luck getting people who can’t even file their taxes on time to bother with that one.

 

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There are almost a dozen domains specifically for denoting a sale or promotional offer. Honestly, I could pull a cop-out and end this section right here but it goes beyond that. The shopping domains fall into the same category of over-diversification as the medical ones. If your website is meant to be a storefront… what’s so bad about adopting something simple like “.shop”? This is, of course, ignoring the fact that “.com” literally means “commerce” and implies a business institution. Don’t think about these hypothetical questions for too long, none of them have a rational fucking answer.

The shopping category of domain names is the holy grail of utter shit because it contains examples of nearly everything I’ve discussed up to this point. There are redundant domains (.gift/.gifts), homophones (.coupon/.qpon), and a date-specific domain (.blackfriday). The only thing we don’t have is a shopping-based healthcare domain like .organ for all your convenient transplanting needs or .plasticsurgery for information on obtaining triple-D tits.

There is a .diamonds. Why is there a .diamonds? Why does this domain exist? Do we as a species collectively sell so many pretty rocks that it justifies having its own goddamned domain name right up there with watches, toys, tickets, and fucking auto parts (yes, those all exist)? Scratch that, because there is also a .domains; literally, there is “dot domains”. Mark my words, I would bet my life savings that you’re not going to ever see a legitimate domain registrar like GoDaddy, Tucows, or Namecheap go anywhere fucking near “.domains”. Nobody is that stupid. No, wait, let me rephrase that: Nobody who has more business sense than a DeVry graduate is that stupid. The people who buy a .domains gTLD for their business are… ugh… Full Sail University… *groaning sound*…. dot domains… University of… *chokes on saliva*… Phoenix…

 

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I remember helping my grandmother try to understand the concept of using the Internet almost 20 years ago. She’s dead now, God rest her soul, but holy fucking shit was that like talking to a brick wall. I spent all day reminding her that she needed to put “.com” after everything she was looking for. She finally caught on and was eager to check out everything she could… then she wanted to check out The White House. Those of you who were in grade school during the initial boom of the Internet know how this story is going to unfold. Grandma Roastmaster enters “www.whitehouse.com” in her browser. I jump and dive in slow motion shouting “noooooooooo”. Too late. Tits everywhere. Grandma gets angry and upset at the tits plastered all over her screen.

I hadn’t even bothered to get into .org, .net, and especially not .gov. How the fuck was I supposed to know she was going to go straight from looking at shit on walmart.com to wondering who the 22nd President of the United States was? Many a 4th grader writing a report on a U.S. President inadvertently went to whitehouse.com instead of whitehouse.gov and was ushered into Internet porn manhood via grainy 24-bit dithered color 56K boobs. My grandmother accidentally got Melons Feelmore instead of Millard Fillmore and that was back when we had so few TLD’s you could count them on one hand.

I’m not saying that our grandparents are all in danger of seeing naked women on every website beginning with “facebook” and ending with something other than “.com” but what I am saying is the sheer magnitude of how complicated and convoluted these new domains are is not boding well for our senior citizens. Normally I’m just like “fuck them haha” but I think it’s pretty shitty to come in and purposefully obfuscate a form of communication and information resource when A) it’s fine the way it is and B) seniors already don’t fucking understand how to use it.

Specifically, I’m talking about the additions of the gTLD’s .site, .web, .website, .computer, .email/.mail, .online, and .search. Are you fucking serious? You have .website as a potential domain name to visit a fucking website? Do I need to explain how incomprehensibly stupid this is? Are they trying to make it easier for old people to stumble into malware-ridden websites with free dolphin screensavers? Not only that, there are two other incarnations of that domain: .site and .web. Jesus dick, there is absolutely no explanation for that other than one neckbearded virgin harboring resentment over the fact that he has to live with his grandmother since his parents kicked him and his My Little Pony collection out of the house.

 

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.meme is a proposed new domain. Honestly, I contemplated writing just that one sentence as a suicide note and calling it quits. This is not the best way for the Internet to become self-aware. Memes by their very nature are “flash in the pan” moments of popularity. For example, nobody gives a fuck about Rick Astley anymore (again) or the Rickrolling phenomenon and this was something that YouTube once dedicated its entire homepage to doing on April Fool’s Day, not to mention the time Astley came in and crashed the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade with a performance of that song. PSY was the first person to get one billion views on a single YouTube video with “Gangnam Style”, but his followup single “Gentleman” barely has a quarter of the previous song’s total views. People just don’t give a shit past that first climax. Most memes don’t live long enough to warrant a one year domain registration. The only website that I could see benefiting from a .meme gTLD is 9GAG, but there’s already a .add so I don’t know what the fuck they’d need .meme for.

There is no plausible use for domains such as .lol, .omg, or .wtf except in regards to celebrity gossip or unironic Call of Duty noscope montages. Believe it or not, .celeb, .gossip, and .hollywood are not in the list of suggested gTLD’s. Those three domains, which would probably see more use than the bottom half of IANA’s list combined, are quietly absent from the proposal. But don’t worry, we’ve got .horse on the radar so one person can make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke or whoever the fuck looks like a horse because that punchline isn’t the least bit tired. Comedy.

 

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The inclusion of NewDotNet’s TLD’s wasn’t an intentional move on behalf of IANA; the domains just so happened to get roped into this mess because they’re generic enough to fall into IANA’s simple cookie cutter sections of proposals. The fact that the suggestions are still around is proof enough that the domains were a stupid idea a decade ago and they’re a stupid idea now that has just been repainted and repackaged as something a little less illegitimate. There’s a reason why we’ve gone 20 years without having “.video” and “.church” — the ideas are fucking stupid and are redundant at their very core. Most Internet users only need to be mindful of a half-dozen or so top-level domains, but here is a list of 1,000 potential additions and none of them warrant use beyond a few hundred/thousand possible outcomes. In the case of shit like .persiangulf I’m hard-pressed to come up with more than I can count on one hand.

A decade ago NewDotNet used some fancy adware to pull wool over their customers’ eyes and charged them thirty fucking dollars a year for a shitty “premium” domain name service that only a handful of equally gullible idiots could see. Isn’t that just what’s going on here? Charging someone $39.99 a year so they can have a “premium” domain like .guru? I was under the assumption that you earned a reputation, you didn’t purchase one. Spending forty bucks on a fancy domain name doesn’t immediately make you smarter than someone on a .com much like how spending a hundred dollars on a .xxx domain doesn’t make your porn the most jerkworthy. That’s not how the Internet works. For a series of top-level domains meant to help “organize” the Internet these people sure are asking a lot for them while the price of a regular .com quietly stands at $12.

NewDotNet’s service was nothing more than a sleight of hand trick that sold someone a glorified GeoCities-esque website package for an inflated rate. IANA’s/ICANN’s new list of gold-spraypainted turds is nothing better and in nearly every single instance costs as much as if not more than NewDotNet’s bullshit. It’s a way to separate stupid people from their money so everyone who knows better can mock them behind their back for being dumb enough to think a $70 “.ventures” domain somehow makes them seem legitimate.

– Roastmaster

 

If you’ve got godlike patience and an hour to kill, you can browse an entire list of the proposed domain names HERE.

The Mountain is an American apparel company that sells shirts with mostly animals on them. They’ve been quietly making shirts from their facilities in New Hampshire for years and tend to really only come into public spotlight when they create something like oh I don’t know Three Wolf Moon. You know, that shirt with the three wolves… and the moon. The one that a million Internet nobodies made fun of on Amazon. The one Zach Galifinakis wore in The Hangover. That shirt. That was them.

The company makes dozens more shirts virtually identical to Three Wolf Moon in terms of how absolutely off the wall and ridiculous they are. Hilariously enough many of them have more than just a passing appeal to furries and in this article I’ll be showing you a handful of T-shirts from The Mountain that are amusing for all the wrong reasons.

 

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“Dino Battle”

To give you an immediate idea of the nature of the shirts I intend to talk about I’ve elected to start this article with an piece of clothing that is literally just a close-up of a dinosaur’s ass. This shirt has so much attention to detail that when I first saw it I studied it for at least fifteen minutes to see if there actually was a sphincter drawn somewhere in the scaly folds of that tyrannosaurus’ nether regions. There’s so much detail poured into drawing such a trivial part of this dinosaur that it puts the mud stomping scene from Jurassic Park to shame in terms of the sheer number of people that have regretfully pawed off to it.

For the sake of comedy I did some math with this shirt; I wanted to see just how much real estate was actually devoted to the triceratops that people are supposed to pay attention to. Fifteen percent of the this shirt has a triceratops in it, the remaining eighty-five percent is devoted to eye candy for people with questionable preferences.

 

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“Dragon Wolf Moon”

Let’s step away from the pervy underbelly of the fandom for a moment and take a different route. Let’s say hypothetically you wake up one day and you have an inexplicably stronger link with your fursona than you did the day prior. Also, for the sake of making an example here, let’s say your fursona just so happens to be a dragon. One thing leads to another and you come to the conclusion that you must like dragons so much because you are (or were) one in another life and [insert some kind of rationalization using the phrase “astral projection” here]. If you’re looking for shirts with dragons on them The Mountain has about eight thousand designs to pick from because they know their audience is crazy.

But what if you’re a special kind of crazy and you can’t even decide what your spirit animal really is; you’re torn between wolves and dragons, arguably the two most common varieties of Otherkin. Fret not, The Mountain’s got you covered with Dragon Wolf Moon, a shirt with all the downright craziness of Three Wolf Moon but with two less wolves and a dragon instead. Since when do dragons howl at the moon? I don’t know, you tell me. You’re the one who’s supposedly a dragon.

 

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“Red Mamba”

You guys like voreaphilia at all? I only ask because there are only two kinds of people who are going to buy this shirt: middle-aged men who buy Harley-Davidson motorcycles to feel young and people who have a very peculiar arrangement of fetishes on F-List. Looking at this shirt actually makes me feel uncomfortable, there is too much detail on it. The inside of that snake’s mouth has far too many folds, shades of pink, and shiny streaks to be anything other than simple pandering. The snake’s fangs are literally one dribble of saliva away from being marked with thirty different tags on e621.

I can’t even tell if the anatomy is correct. The way the snake is drawn makes it look like the bottom of his lower jaw is directly connected to his underside and the perspective of the top jaw compared to the bottom looks completely bizarre. I honestly don’t even know if I should be complaining because in the time it’s taken me to write this entry I’m convinced this is less of an interpretation of a snake and closer to that of a Fleshlight.

 

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“In The Mood”

If you have a moderate taste in music chances are you have a song playing in your head as you read this. Go ahead, let it play through, I’ll wait. Done? Fantastic. If you’re one of the readers who doesn’t get that joke then by this point you’re probably still putting together the fact that this is a shirt called “in the mood” that has a bull nuzzling a cow and you’re slowly recoiling backward and contorting your face into configurations that would have a Ripley’s Believe it or Not editor at full mast. This is an uncomfortably long stretch to make a “moo” pun.

Look, I’m not going to crap on someone’s preferences but livestock are kind of gross. If that’s what you’re into – if that’s what gets you “in the mood” – then that’s fine by me. One love. Same love. Whatever the saying is; this is a furry magazine so it’s pretty much guaranteed someone reading this has a bull fursona or is into udders or something. What I am trying to say however is that when the name and image of your shirt can elicit an olfactory memory maybe it shouldn’t be sexualized.

 

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Shirts with ACTUAL fursonas on them.

If you don’t believe me when I say that these shirts are for furries and pretty much no one else then take a look at these. If you’ve come this far into my article and you’ve done nothing but roll your eyes and say “wow this has-been is really grasping at straws to be funny and stay relevant when the last time he did anything worth noting was back in 2009” then you’re a terrible person. Also, here’s a shirt with an anthropomorphic elephant wearing his guitar the wrong way.

There’s an entire section of shirts called “Manimals” because I guess “Fursona” brings up too many bad Google results. I only picked out five to stick in the graphic above but there are literally dozens of these things and each of them are more ridiculous than the last. Do you want a shirt with an eagle pilot on it because you love redundancy? Done. Soliders with wolf faces because it’s a pun on the term “wolfpack”? You got it. A culturally insensitive portrayal of a Native American as a wolf? Yours. For god’s sake, there’s even a shirt for sale that I am convinced is a bootlegged Bucktown Tiger.

 

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“Big Face Fox”

Finally, when all is said and done and you just want to get back to your roots as a furry The Mountain is here to take care of you with this T-shirt that looks like Taurin Fox smirking at something (probably tentacles). When you’re really ready to confront your inner demons and you’re looking for the perfect shirt to go with your rainbow-studded collar and floofy tail you bought at Hot Topic look no further than this. When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back. Also, the abyss is actually a fox.

Again, I’m not here to rain on anyone’s parade and when it comes to The Mountain I honestly couldn’t not recommend their products to someone. As of this article’s publication in Furry N’ Fuzzy the official picture of me on my page over at Wikifur features me wearing one of their shirts. That wasn’t intentional, it just happened. I don’t have any coupon codes to hand out in this article mostly because I didn’t ask for any since I don’t know how to appropriately phrase “I’m going to make fun of your merchandise P.S. can I have free discount codes”. I will say, however, that you get free shipping on any order over $25 (which is only a couple shirts) so there’s that.

– Komodo88

WARNING: This article contains suggestive images and/or pictures of sex toys. The images are not explicitly pornographic but the content of this article may still be considered NSFW if you are reading this in a public or open environment. You have been warned.

Ask anybody what the best part of Christmas is and they will unanimously tell you “the presents”. Yes, there is nothing quite like getting a bunch of boxes of either completely useless items or something incredibly awesome. Most people are pretty easy to shop for. Kids, for example, will eat up anything (literally) with small parts or dinosaurs. All dads like socks and ties, all moms want a Snuggie, guidos want spray tan (yes even in December), and drug addicts want their next hit.

But what about furries?

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ScotchGuard. Lots… and lots… of ScotchGuard.

Furries can be notoriously hard to shop for. After all, what exactly are you supposed to get someone whose hobbies include masturbating to The Secret of Nimh and dressing up like a fox? DVD’s, art supplies, and comic books? Joke’s on you because they probably already have all that. If you’re shopping for a furry then you have to think creatively and outside of the box. It is a medical fact that all furries are clinically insane, so here’s five Christmas gift ideas (poorly timed and posted on December 25th), that you can take to heart for the special furfag in your life.

 

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You know what even furries have to wear? Clothes. Furries, mercifully, wear clothes. Thanks to the advent of generic Internet humor anybody who has even a fraction of a percentage of an identity can buy an entire wardrobe to broadcast to the world exactly who they are on the inside whether that person be a cynical asshole writing editorials on Christmas, a reincarnated dragon, a Dungeons & Dragons nerd, or even a serial murderer.

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Somewhere, Jam-Master Jay’s ghost is weeping.

Yes, that is a Run-D.M.C. shirt and yes, that is a shirt made to look like the band’s logo except it reads “FUR FAG”. It also happens to be the least offensive article of clothing being worn in that picture.

Why is this shirt a perfect choice for a furry gift idea? Because depending on who you are it can either be a backhanded insult or a term of endearment. “Furfag” is a term coined by Internet trolls looking to get under the skin of the furries they creepily stalk; I even used the word in the opener to this article. It has become a part of the Internet’s collective nomenclature. Much like the black community taking back “the N-word” furries have decided they want to steal the colorful version of “fag” that people have used to keep them down.

But I still don’t think you should wear the shirt in public.

 

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I’ll be out with it, the furry fandom is sex-centric, and don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise because they are lying to you. “Sex” is to “furry” as “water” is to “required to make urine” and I’ll irrefutably prove it to you: when was the last time you went to a Star Trek convention and saw a vendor’s booth selling silicon Klingon dicks? Exactly.

That’s where Bad Dragon comes into play; they sell nothing but dragon-themed sex toys (and then some).

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Yes, that is a box of fake dragon dongs.

Nothing says “I respect and/or tolerate you and your perverted obsession with mythological creatures” quite like a 12+ inch long dragon dick.

They also make female toys if your special furry is still in the closet.

 

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Actually on second thought don’t do this. This is a bad idea. See next point for a better option.

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Furries ruin everything.

 

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Don’t get a furry an animal of any kind. Laws will be broken. You can instead get them a plushie version of whatever their favorite creature is so they can hug and molest it all they want without having an ASPCA nightmare on their hands. Normally stuffed animals are created with children in mind but much like the case with My Little Pony it’s a market that comes with unintentional demographics.

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This can’t possibly be sexual in any way. Nope.

See, there’s a whole ulterior market for plushies where furries buy them, slice a hole in them, and install meticulously tailored sleeves inside of them that are colloquially known as an “SPH”, or “strategically placed hole”. Seriously.

The wolf pictured above? IT IS UNCLEAN.

Not everybody is into plushies, though. Some furries have a thing for inflatables (e.g. pool toys), well you can bet your furry ass there’s a market for that too. And guess what? They also come with an “SPH” or two (or three) if you have the money.

 

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So we’ve come this far in the article to an entry titled only “Thor”. We’ve seen shirts, dragon dongs, and safer venues for expressing bestiality via plush wolves and vinyl orcas. What else could possibly be next?

How about what is known in the fandom as “the granddaddy of all toys”? This is your last chance to avert your eyes. Below this sentence is a picture of a horse dildo twice as big as the arm of the guy holding it.

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It’s so offensive the entire background had to be censored.

You should have seen that coming, really. That there is “Thor“, a production of Zeta Creations (now operating as Zeta Paws). Before Bad Dragon showed up to start kicking everybody’s ass Zeta owned the market for toys and they were raking in what amounted to free money. You heard correctly, this was a lucrative business even before the Internet was a majorly affordable commodity.

Just looking at that toy is enough to make you cringe in discomfort. It’s supposed to be a novelty but I’ll be damned if that product page doesn’t advertise it as a something intended for serious use.

There’s even a popular urban legend in the fandom about a group of furries who brought Thor into a Denny’s restaurant and were promptly kicked out. This story is acknowledged and reflected in the “Kicked Out Of Denny’s” achievement on the Zeta Paws website. They owned up to it.

 

So there you have it. Five (alright, four three because Thor is mercifully no longer in production) gift ideas that you can let stew in your head for the next year until it’s inevitably Christmas again… unless the world blows up on December 21st, 2012 in which case nevermind. I’ll ride my inflatable orca into the great beyond. See you there.

– Dracophile

 

Shoutouts to Kitty Loves Monster, Bad Dragon Enterprises, Fetish Zone, and Zeta Paws for their support in making this article possible.

Every once in a while an actor emerges onto the scene whose performances and roles capture our hearts and bind to the very essence of our souls. GatorAIDS columnist and founder Dracophile, for example, really has a hard-on for Bruce Willis (which I assume was replaced with Sean Connery after his role in Dragonheart) and Payton, our forum administrator, more than likely swears his life to the mannerisms of shit like Cheech & Chong and Pineapple Express. I don’t know who our other staff members have boners for; I want to say Cosmic Audino has the hots for Jaleel White but I’m not 100% on that. Point is, everybody has a favorite actor whether you’re a soccer mom who loves the wholesome vagina-drying antics of Tom Hanks or some trendy hipster who’s favorite actor is so underground he’s Chinese, and I’m no different. My favorite actor is none other than the legendary Edmund K. Lo.

edklo_intropic

Addendum: He’s not Chinese, I am not a hipster.

Never heard of Edmund K. Lo before? That’s because he’s had a grand total of zero legitimate acting roles but don’t say that to him because he’ll have you believe he starred in everything from Kids Incorporated to Titanic. Yeah, that fucking James Cameron movie. Lo is not my favorite actor because of his Oscar-deserving (and invisible) role in High School Musical 2; Lo is my favorite actor because of his ongoing role in the pseudo-documentary Edmund K. Lo: I Am a Real Actor You Guys, Seriously.

Edmund K. Lo was a literal nobody for the better part of the first 20 years of his life. He was your run-of-the-mill creeper: a guy in his 20’s with an unhealthy affection for kid stuff (see also: bronies) who one day decided to join the largest forum for fans of Power Rangers on the Internet. I’m not really going to comment on grown men foaming at the mouth over shit like this because if that’s what you’re into then whatever I guess; it could be worse, they could be into My Little Pony. I’m an avid aficionado of board games from the nineties so I can understand and appreciate having an unorthodox interest that’s off the beaten path.

Lo joined RangerBoard to sperg about Power Rangers under the username “RED DINO THUNDER”. By the time he was permabanned the administrators had renamed him “Unclefucker”. Mind you, this is a goddamn Power Rangers forum.

I don’t really know the in’s and out’s of how to behave on a Power Rangers fansite but I’m pretty sure being thrown out of one has got to be about as low as you can get on the Shame-o-meter. This isn’t some elite $10 to register high-class community like Something Awful, this is a bunch of grown men arguing about which red ranger was the best and hosting podcasts based entirely around hating the pink one. He was banned from this place. Very few people can aspire to fuck things up as epic as he has done.

edklo_EKL_FBI

Jokes on the rangerphiles, he’s actually in the FBI.

[Editor’s Note: “Rangerphile” is actually a term used to describe creepy furries who beat off to Rescue Rangers. There is presently not a term available to describe Power Rangers fans. lrn2joke, Roastmaster.]

History lessons aside you’re probably wondering what the fuck this guy, now 36, has to do with the silver screen. I’m glad you asked, give me a second and I’ll pull up his extensive filmography sourced from his Nickelodeon Wiki site (none of which, oddly, shows up on his vanity IMDb page):

  • Christmas Through the Eyes of Children (1980, TV)
  • Kids Incorporated (1984-1993, TV)
  • Titanic (1997)
  • Teen Choice Awards (2002, TV)
  • Transformers (2007)
  • High School Musical 2 (2007)
  • Star Trek (2009)
  • Toy Story 3 (2010)

Holy shit just look at those movies he was in! He must have had one hell of an agent because his demo reel is essentially 30 seconds of him acting like a python having a stroke.

The best part about Lo’s filmography is how much of it he shrouds in purposeful mystery, look-alikes, and extra cast roles that always seem to go uncredited. According to his filmography Lo spent nine fucking years on the cast of Kids Incorporated which by the show’s final season would have legally made him a pedophile. Apparently his role of “Kid Eating Ice Cream” was so goddamn memorable that it warranted uncredited repeat appearances until the series’ cancellation in 1993. I don’t even know what the fuck Kids Incorporated was, and I was supposedly alive and conscious for almost all of the show’s original run, but if this YouTube video is any indication it was a shitty song & dance show where child molesters captured children and forced them to sing terrible songs made popular by fucking Grand Funk Railroad in a burned out film studio/sex dungeon. This is a real thing and it actually aired on television.

People who have been sentenced to death and had their lethal injection accidentally switched out with Hawaiian Punch have suffered less than the cast members of Kids Incorporated. Why anyone would want to spend nine years eating fucking ice cream backstage on it blows my mind.

edklo_EKL_onKI

Exclusive shot from Kids Incorporated. (Photo credit: R@ygold)

The greatest part about his filmography is the part he snagged right after his legendary stint on Molestation Station — Titanic. Seriously how do you go from being a nobody on a dance show to an an extra in a movie directed by one of the most anal people in the business? How the fuck would anybody even find Lo in a mess of applicants? Did James Cameron wake up in the middle of the night, sit straight up, and mutter “ice cream kid” or something? What the fuck?

From there he vanishes for almost a decade and just arbitrarily shows up on Transformers and expects people to believe it? Is he just a magnet for shitty over-budget movies full of cliches and flashy special effects? Furthermore what the fuck is up with his appearance in High School Musical 2? If he was born in 1975 then he would have been thirty-two fucking years old when that film was produced. Also, calling High School Musical 2 a “film”, as I’ve been told recently, is actually considered a cinematic hate crime and can actually have your SAG membership revoked; I just want to throw that out there for any legitimate actors reading this article looking for advice and secret cheat codes to Hollywood.

Because GatorAIDS is renown around the world for our assistance in helping aspiring actors get roles. Or something.

edmund

Here’s Edmund on the set of Cop and a Half 2: Mathematical Impossibility.

The best part about Edmund K. Lo is that he’s like a mobius strip of hilarity. If the sheer fact that we’re talking about a guy in his mid 30’s who collects Power Rangers crap and believes he was an extra in a half-dozen blockbuster movies isn’t already kicking the ass of Dracophile’s article about Christian fucking Chandler then let’s take it a step further and talk about Edmund’s platinum-selling record My Christmas Songs 1980.

You might be expecting to hear Lo belt out carols like the trio of cooks from A Christmas Story and that’s a valid (and racist) assumption but the truth is so much funnier. Edmund K. Lo didn’t even record any songs, he simply lifted Christmas songs from other singers, burned a CD, and threw it up on the website CDBaby. No, I’m fucking serious.

A member of RangerBoard who was fed up with Lo’s bullshit, but who also had really awful taste in Christmas music, was quick to point out that Edmund had essentially lifted some tracks by Billy Gilman and rebranded them as his own. Yes, this is probably highly illegal but there’s actually a special clause mentioned in the infamous Napster case of the late 90’s that stated anybody downloading Christmas music would not be prosecuted because Christmas music is “un-copyright-able” because it’s all fucking terrible and everyone who records it should die in a fire.

It’s all in the legal papers. Read it sometime.

edklo_christmasCD

Black text on black background. Classy.

Normally I’d just leave well enough alone but Edmund really wants whatever percentage he makes of that four dollars from CDBaby every time someone buys an album from him so he did what any company does when they want to fellate their SEO and make their products look more attractive to buyers: post fake reviews of it. Companies pay big money for these targeted and “almost perfect but just ordinary-looking enough to pass” reviews on Amazon and such; however Edmund doesn’t have an infinite budget and instead opted to do this himself. That’s still fine but I think you’ll appreciate just “who” reviewed his CD:

 

edklo_cdreview1

edklo_cdreview2

edklo_cdreview3

Miley Cyrus took time out of her busy schedule of shooting her terrible Disney Channel show(s) to temporarily forget the English language and give Edward some mad props on his Christmas album. Isn’t that just stellar? That is completely believable. I am blown away. Even more impressive is how the magic of Edmund’s music got the Ghost Hunters team to stop giving each other blowjobs in their magic pimp van just long enough to visit the CDBaby page and vomit regurgitated man juice, confused “I/we” pronouns, and stars all over the review page. As for the third review don’t focus on it for longer than a few seconds at a time or blood will ooze from every orifice on your body. I don’t really remember why I included it.

Lo has spent most of his recent free time continuing his hobby of being as creepy and unsettling as possible around everybody whom he comes into contact with. I would like to believe he is a genuinely nice guy, because I honestly think he probably is, but then I read between the lines and look at his unhealthy obsessions with kids programming and it gives me that uneasy feeling you get when you’re the only person in the basement of a university library at four in the morning (because you “studied so hard” you fell asleep, not because you were doing drugs).

Edmund likes iCarly. He really, really, likes iCarly. For those of you who haven’t watched Nickelodeon in over a decade, which I am told is approximately 100% of our readers, iCarly is the latest piece of shit show produced by Dan Schneider and stands as his most recent reason why he should be boiled alive and fed to hungry feral wolves and that the last good thing he ever did for television was The Amanda Show, but I’m not going to bitch about iCarly for eight pages. Even if the show had ended up lasting one episode (which is should have) that’s still five episodes too many.

edklo_creepychristmas

Well now, THIS IS AWKWARD.

That is a photograph of a man in his 30’s with not one but four fucking iCarly posters. Being 17 and owning just two of them is enough to get the county judge to ready your name for the sex offender registry because if you’re older than 12 you should not be watching that show for any reason at all whatsoever. The only reason that show has an audience in the first place is because its target demographic doesn’t know any better.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that Edmund maintains a Twitter presence, and every single one of the accounts he follows screams “MAN IF THE FBI CAME AND SEIZED MY COMPUTER I’D SURELY BE UP SHIT CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE”. He watches iCarly so religiously that not only is his username @iCarlyFan2009 but he’s wasted god knows how long whining to Dan Schneider that the production codes for his second-rate teenage webshow sitcom circus act are messed up. Twice.

Then there’s also this series of tweets he made where he watched a YouTube video of one of the iCarly cast members, took pictures with his cell phone, and tweeted them to her. You can almost hear the mouthbreathing if you focus closely enough. This guy surely has regular intercourse with an anime pillow with that girl’s face taped onto it. There is no arguing this point.

edklo_My_Friends_From_Hollywood

Original filename: My_Friends_From_Hollywood.jpg (seriously)

But I’m talking about a real actor here, remember that. He’s allowed to do all that because according to that Wiki site of his he is friends with Miranda Cosgrove and all of those other rejected specimens from The Disney Channel Conglomerate Factory Incorporated! I mean, who doesn’t take pictures of their friends’ YouTube videos and tweet them back to that person? Friends do that shit all the time. Hell, while I was writing this two of my friends tweeted me screencaps from that 1990’s Crossfire commercial! I’m sure those are all Lo’s friends in the picture above and he was really there. Someone had to hold the camera, right?

And like all legitimate actors, Edmund K. Lo offered to pay Wikipedia $2,000.00 to not delete his page. (They did anyways.)

– Roastmaster

 

PS: He also has a pregnancy fetish. Don’t believe me? Clicking here will make all your wildest dreams come true!

 

(We’ve all compiled a fake filmography about ourselves at some point in time. Why don’t you mosey on down to the GatorAIDS Forums and share yours with us? Actually don’t, but we’d appreciate it if you chillaxed with us a while.)

WARNING: This article contains pornographic images. The images have been censored but the content of this article may still be considered NSFW if you are reading this in a public or open environment. You have been warned.

If you’ve wasted any amount of time reading troll blogs or snark sites like Encyclopedia Dramatica you’ve probably come across the metaphor “[x] is about as retarded/insane as Chris-chan”. If you’ve wasted enough time then you know exactly who Chris-chan is. For those of you who don’t, I’ll introduce you to him. I apologize in advance.

chrischan_ThisisCWC

Finding “the best” picture of Chris for the article opener was hard to do. Also yes, that’s a diaper.

“Christian” Christopher “Ricardo” Weston Chandler (yes that is his full name), abbreviated by the subject as “CWC” and colloquially known as “Chris-chan” by trolls, is an unwitting Internet personality born on February 24th, 1982. He lives in Ruckersville, Virginia with his mother in a house that looks like something straight out of an episode of Hoarders 2: Hoard Harder and is an autistic and self-absorbed, delusional manchild who mooches over $800 per month off of the government in disability benefits because he refuses to make any effort whatsoever to become a functioning member of society. Because he lives with his mother in a house that’s been paid off his monthly disability check is pure income which goes straight to video games, McDonald’s, and blow-up anime sex dolls.

His “claim to fame” was an independent comic book called Sonichu, a story that originally focused on his dubiously original character of obvious shipping origin. Chris fancies himself a classy and talented artist and storyteller, which couldn’t be further from the point; his artwork looks like something a five year old would make and his storytelling ability hovers somewhere around “nonexistent”. Due to his obviously apparent mental inhibitions he’s what amounts to a kid trapped inside the body of a man which sounds like the next shitty Adam Sandler film until you realize this is real life and not a second-rate movie starring an SNL alum far past his prime. Chris-chan has adult thoughts and desires and he’s expressed them through his artwork on a number of occasions. This article explores the six most fucked up things ushered forth into the world by his hand.

Before we get in to all of this Event Horizon-esque “where we’re going we won’t need eyes to see” stuff you’re probably entertaining the thought of asking me where I get off on ripping into somebody who is clearly deficient in some measurable way. For the sake of keeping things succinct let me link you here for an entire battery of details that somewhat justifies my laughter and drive to publish this article.

“We don’t do it because he’s autistic, but rather because he’s a racist, sexist, homophobic, unsympathetic, ungrateful, jealous, kid-scaring and troll-feeding, narcissistic, spitefully antagonistic thief, and an all-around failure who wastes the hard-earned tax money of average Americans on video games and sex toys while contributing nothing to society despite his basic abilities. Furthermore, he’s someone who realizes he has a problem and that he does doesn’t work but refuses to get help, even ignoring the help of well-meaning individuals.”

– The Internet, on Chris-chan

Aaaaand scene.

chrischan_THE_picture

This blurry picture is what started this mess.

The above picture, which looks like it was taken in haste and almost accidentally by a hip douchebag showing off his new iPhone, was the first picture the Internet at large ever saw of the now infamous Chris-chan. In it we see Chris, 25, playing Pokemon cards with someone whom we can only assume is probably about 14 years old. This picture was taken at a store called “The Game Place”, a hobby store which Chris is now banned from for being a racist piece of shit toward a young black kid and for subsequently attempting to run over the store’s owner with his junker of a car after being kicked out (for calling him a Jew, seriously).

(As of this article Chris and his mother were arrested on felony charges involving the assault of a police officer on the premises of the store after CWC violated his restraining order.)

This picture was posted to Something Awful‘s forums on October 26th, 2007. A week later a goon from SA created a page about Chris on Encyclopedia Dramatica. The very next day 4chan hosted a “Sonichu fan art” thread and some samples were sent to Chris by trolls. Appalled at the grotesque depictions of his female character “Rosechu” being drawn with a dick his first response wasn’t politely asking them to stop, but to demand the artist instead draw Rosechu “masturbating and squirting“.

Holy shit.

The first response the trolls ever get from provoking this then-unknown lolcow is a demand for them to draw his characters jerking off properly. Chris then proceeds to refer to “dicks” as “pickles” and threatens to beat up recreations of the fan artists in Soul Calibur if they continue to draw perverted Rule 34 of his creations.

chrischan_YoungCWC

We’re just as bewildered at your actions as you are, Young Chris.

Some of you might be wondering what that yellow thing hanging around Chris’ neck might be; you know, the one that suspiciously looks kind of like a Pikachu but not. That’s a medallion depicting the aforementioned “Sonichu“, Chris’ completely original Mary Sue character which he vicariously lives through in the eponymous Sonichu comic. The medallion was a mainstay of Chris’ wardrobe, he demanded he be allowed to wear it to his high school graduation. The character was first created on a whim during a class assignment where Chris was told to come up with a CD cover; there was a stipulation that existing copyrighted likenesses could not be used, the teacher stressed creativity for the project. This didn’t sit well with Chris so rather than expend any energy coming up with something original he instead combined Pikachu and Sonic the Hedgehog and said “to hell with it” and a legend was born.

chrischan_CWCcd_Sonichu

Everything Is Terrible: The Movie: The Soundtrack

From that point on Chris realized he could turn this bastardized mixture of copyright infringement and fail into a comic and promptly did so. The ensuing “creative inspiration” fueled the creation of the following six pieces of “art”…

 

chrischan_header1

Chris has bizarrely terrible luck with women.

Okay… maybe it’s not “bizarrely terrible”; even the most desperate of women would avoid an obese guy in a clown shirt and Sonichu medallion that smells of McDonald’s and Axe body spray. I mention this bad luck, though, as a vehicle for our first picture. Chris has pretty terrible luck overall but he kind of brought it upon himself with the way in which he acts and the manner in which his parents treated him when he became fussy leading to an entitlement complex on par with a three year old. His mannerisms led to someone at The Game Place sneaking that picture and posting it to Something Awful which in turn led to said people fabricating an entire Encyclopedia Dramatica article about him.

Chris was pissed off; he wanted that page taken down and he was about to file a ‘spergin lolsuit over it. He attempted to vandalize his page by adding a bunch of ridiculously specific information about his personal life to the pages as well as clogging it full of drawings and uploads. He was angry at the number of “pickles” shown all over the site and decided it needed a heaping helping of vagina (or “china” as CWC calls it); his resolution to this problem was to draw some china, which is totally fine. The bad news is that he decided to draw himself fingerblasting his only IRL girl friend (note the space in that word) to satiate this need.

chrischan_SheCameforCWC_censored

Nice touch with the thumbs up, Chris. Real subtle.

Neither I nor “the trolls” put that ridiculous Japanese-style censor bar above the eyes of the “mystery girl”; Chris put it there. He almost immediately (and gleefully) admitted the girl depicted is that of Megan Schroeder, someone Chris had met at a social gathering, and proof that Chris has a grip on censorship on par with how well he understands the shape of a woman’s head. Megan is a girl whom he was friends with because the two shared the common interests of Pokemon, Sonic the Hedgehog, and My Little Pony (making Chris the original brony; think about that next time you decide to whip out your zeta toy and watch Friendship Is Magic).

They were not dating; though, but Chris certainly wanted to date her. He had this whole grand idea to win a Pa-Rappa the Rapper contest and take her to the E3 gaming expo where they’d share a hotel room and he’d presumably get to reenact his artwork for real if it weren’t for the teensy-tiny detail that he made it a habit to be as unsettling as fucking possible around Megan and everybody else in his life.

chrischan_ScaringMegan

LOOK AT THAT FACE, GOD DAMN.

“I don’t feel comfortable around you anymore.”

-Megan Schroeder, on not wanting to be raped

 

chrischan_header2

Chris has bizarrely terrible luck with women…

Deja vu aside despite his self-appointed status as a “virgin with rage” Chris really likes to make it clear just how much he likes women. Chris also plays a lot of Guitar Hero and designed his entire band around that of 4 Non Blondes… except for the fact Chris isn’t a woman and the bassist in his band is, in fact, a blonde. What I’m trying to say here is his band is basically a harem of three women and no matter what stage his virtual band performs on every single performance is about as smarmy and sexist as a Robert Palmer music video.

There’s a reason behind his obsession with women, though. As you just read, the justification behind Chris drawing a picture of himself fingering one of his only friends and coloring it with Crayola markers was because he was accused of being gay and Chris fucking hates gay people. He hates gay people so much that when he created the “anti-Chris” villain in his Sonichu comic he made the character the complete opposite of himself meaning the villain is flamboyantly gay. When drawing ShecameforCWC.jpg just didn’t cut it in asserting his straight-ness Chris-chan upped the ante by drawing himself banging every member of his fictional Guitar Hero band… at the same time.

chrischan_CWCRockin4Way_censored

He’d probably be giving a thumbs up if both his hands weren’t busy.

Believe it or not this picture is at least less creepy than the ordeal surrounding ShecameforCWC.jpg because Chris isn’t screwing or fingering anybody he knows in the real world, he’s just getting his freak on with his imaginary band (which for the record is actually called Christian & The Hedgehog Boys, though they aren’t depicted here). The fucked up thing about this drawing however, aside from the ever-present atrocious anatomy and its rampant and palpable narcissism, is just how poorly Chris chose to carry himself while showing off his masterpiece on YouTube. Thankfully he had the common courtesy to censor his artwork just as we did here on GatorAIDS (however Chris opted to censor the male nipples too because, you know, NO HOMOS) but that didn’t serve to hide much because we all know how good CWC is at censoring things. He also felt the need to tell us the girl in the middle is “half and half”, a slightly more racist way of saying she’s mulatto.

Chris has this weird delusion that this drawing of him in an unlikely but hetero sexual situation is somehow proof that this exact scene happened. Chris, my man, let me tell you the word on the street: drawing something does not make it canon in the real world. If that were true, then I’ve fucked more dragons than… well, someone famous who would be known for their promiscuity with large medieval reptiles. CWC doesn’t get this, he thinks that because he drew it it actually happened; his attention to detail, if you can believe it’s there, is what he believes adds to the realism. To elaborate on the “detail”: in the picture Chris represents his heterochromia, which is just a $5 way of saying “he has eyes that are each a different color”.

It’s actually the only “hetero” thing about him.

chrischan_Tomgirl2

Why so serious, Chris?

“If I was a s-homosexual or anything like that, would I not would I be having sex… with THREE WOMEN? Huh? Huh?!”

– Chris-chan, on overcompensation

 

chrischan_header3

Chris really does have bizarrely terrible luck with, uh, women.

Here’s a thought exercise: if you saw an attractive girl how would you go about asking her out? Hypothetically the best way to break the ice is to just make small talk and say hello; feel her out a bit (VERBALLY, mind you) and get to know her. Humans are social animals and most people aren’t turned off at the idea of idly chatting and being friendly. It’s not hard to meet people but sometimes you might not be the “go getter” type so how do you get potential mates to come to you? Well, you can dress nice… you can sit by yourself in a library at a larger table for two or more and appear attentive and receptive to people… or you can just do both at the same time in a bar. It’s really not hard.

Here’s another idea, though. You could go to Wal-Mart and buy a neon pink posterboard for 33 cents, take it home, tape a bunch of printer paper onto it, and write a bunch of bizarre stipulations for the kind of girl you’re looking for while simultaneously blasting homosexual men or other guys who already have girlfriends. You could then take this sign and walk around holding it like a sign spinner for a local restaurant except instead of advertising a hip new place to eat lunch you’re soliciting girls to pay attention to your dick and manboobs. If you did all of this correctly then this hypothetical sign should look something like…

chrischan_AttractionSign

Yeah, I wasn’t making this up.

That’s the “Attraction Sign“, Chris’ brilliant plan to attract a “boyfriend-free girl”. It’s about as ridiculous as it sounds/looks and on top of that I recognize the Burger King Pokemon poster hanging under it and somehow feel dead inside for seeing one of my favorite posters paired up with such a pathetic excuse to get laid. You could walk around with that Pokemon poster and have a better chance at getting a girlfriend than you would with the sign whose sole purpose actually happens to be that. Believe it or not this sign actually is a “pussy magnet” but it simply has the same effect on women as pointing two identical magnetic poles at each other (and is twice as likely to get your creeper ass arrested).

Chris used this and other incarnations of the sign at the community college he attended much to the disdain of the school’s dean who, on a number of occasions, politely told Chris to cut his shit and stop being so goddamn creepy. This of course didn’t sit well with CWC who felt threatened by the confrontations so he did was any rational guy would do: he increased his tenacity with the sign by leaving little notecards all over the place with links to his shitty Pokemon/dating website and Facebook profile and gave most everyone of authority the “silent treatment”. He was suspended from school not long thereafter.

Chris is almost 30 as of this writing and the example picture above introduces him as being 21, so surely after almost a decade Chris would have learned his lesson and retired the sign, right?

chrischan_WantWoman

I have the weirdest boner.

Nope. He presently writes messages on his fatty bra like it’s some kind of disgusting deviation of the Doodle Bear.

21 and Single White Male… -Shy -Smart -Young at Heart -Computer skilled -Humorous -A great thinker and go-getter -“Natural salesperson” -Enjoys good parts of life -Diplomatic -Friendly -Loves his family -Peaceful -Very creative

– Chris-chan, on being a walking contradiction

 

chrischan_header4

No, seriously. Chris has bizarrely terrible luck. With women.

Remember the community college I mentioned in the Attraction Sign entry? And the dean who became so completely tired of Chris-chan’s bullshit that she destroyed his sign and kicked him out of school? That person was Mary Lee Walsh, a completely level-headed and reasonable woman who did nothing more than her job in managing her department at the college. Chris is a creeper and while he was busy creeping it up at PVCC it was Walsh’s responsibility to see to it that this nonsense came to an end. Chris was most certainly in violation of more than likely a dozen campus policies with his awkward and borderline predatory solicitations but that didn’t stop him from further developing his victimization complex and painting Mary Lee Walsh out to be an evil witch.

Chris even turned Walsh into a character in his Sonichu comic by pairing her with Count Graduon (literally an embodiment of Chris’ depression after graduating from high school) effectively making her the main villain of the entire series. Yes, you read that correctly. Chris was so crushed and upset with the amount of butthurt generated from his college dean telling him he was breaking rules and had to stop his “Love Quest” nonsense that he made her the main bad guy of his shitty comic.

And then he made this:

chrischan_MaryWantsIt_censored

I think Chris may have misspelled “lick”…

I’ve been upset with people in my time but I’ve never been so angry that I decided to draw porn of someone I hated with every ounce of my being. Look at it this way, this woman — in Chris’ mind — is who he blames for why he is still single and lonesome. Mary Lee Walsh is the final boss of Sonichu, she possesses the magic staff that contains the pure unrefined evil of Count Graduon; she’s like the cervical cap sitting in front of Gigyas’ vagina Devil’s Machine in fucking Earthbound. Sure, Chris beats the hell out of her in the comic (he punches her square in the jaw) but what else does Chris do when the world isn’t looking? Does he beat off to her? Is he a masochist? Does he like being punished?

Dear god, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit with that last string of questions.

The Rule 34 of Walsh is taken from a “special edition” collection of CWC’s art he affectionately calls “Sonichu & Rosechu’s Luv Shack“. It’s about as disgusting and depraved as it sounds and yes the name is a direct reference to the South Park game Chef’s Luv Shack because originality isn’t one of Chris’ strong points. Thinking that some good old fashioned pornography is just the added flair that his self-proclaimed children’s comic series needed Chris set out to create smut of most of the main characters of his comic and promptly traced a bunch of other existing, and better, artwork of Amy Rose and other characters to stuff his magazine in a half-assed manner. Included in the “luv shack” are re-releases of CWCRockin4way.jpg and the Platinum-selling ShecameforCWC.jpg because when it comes to Chris fuck subtlety.

chrischan_MLW_Fanart

I don’t know why trolls draw Walsh so… voluptuous.

“I personally went over and handed [Mary] a Framed Hand-Drawn Apology of my angst against her, SHE SENT ME A TRESPASSING NOTICE!”

– Chris-chan, on demonstrating total cluelessness

 

chrischan_header6

Chris’s luck with women hovers somewhere around “bizarrely terrible”.

Ever wondered how Sonichu and Rosechu get it on? No? What the hell is the matter with yo- I mean, well that’s just perfectly reasonable. Sonichu was a comic that Chris himself said was intended for children so the only reason I can think of for why “Episode 17” of his comic series features explicit pornography (rated TV-MA because, you know, you can watch a comic book I guess) is that Chris sincerely hoped he could be the one to usher adolescent kids into adulthood in the most confusing and existentially offensive manner possible.

Fat chance. Disregard that; he’s just an incredibly malleable Internet personality who expresses his hatred toward Internet trolls by issuing his responses to trolling as oddly specific hand-drawn comics that fail to deliver their intended messages. Chris draws porn for this issue, and has his female characters engage in a pornographic photo shoot, because they are standing up for women’s rights.

Women’s fucking rights.

Good lord. I can’t deal with this anymore. Chris’ grip on reality is so poor that there are under-privileged children living in the projects with aspirations to not get shot in drive-by’s that have better grips on reality than this jerk off. Screw it; here’s some censored pages torn from Chris-chan’s biology textbook on Mary Sue characters.

File written by Adobe Photoshop¨ 4.0

Actually I don’t need to censor this. It looks like a damn Rorschach test.

Click here if you want to see Chris’ interpretation of how a male with sheathed anatomy gets an erection (don’t) or here if you want to find out why female Sonichus can only nurse their young when horny (more “don’t” than the male link).

Perhaps if these public service announcements weren’t preceded by 12 pages of poorly drawn hardcore pornography of self-insert OC’s (and I say “original character” as loosely as CWC draws vaginas) the instructional how-to’s regarding the horizontal Sonichu mambo would be unpleasant and unnerving at best. After all, what encyclopedia comic book doesn’t come with a “Reproduction” passage for each species of animal provided? I’m pretty sure the new Godzilla: Kingdom of Monsters comic series had a 7-page thesis in its first issue on how a large radioactive reptile would go about copulating with a female of its species in the unlikely event that there was a Ms. Godzilla running around somewhere else.

Seriously, if you don’t place much value on your sanity give these ref sheets a reading. Right off the bat Chris lets us know two acceptable textbook terms for the male genitalia and subsequently proceeds to call it a “dick” for the rest of the entry. Not only that, apparently these creatures can only pee when they have an erection. Does Chris not realize pissing with an erection is almost a physical impossibility? And Sonichus have a bone covering their testicles so they cannot be kicked in the balls? This is to prevent damage to the sperm? I’m guessing Chris slept through the science class where everyone else learned sperm die in normal body temperature and that testicles “hang” to keep them cooler than the rest of the body. Chris is so illiterate when it comes to the sciences that any textbook he picks up immediately and permanently translates to the language of Asperger’s.

chrischan_DatingEducation

But it’s alright! They had safe sex! Also, you get china after 3 dates!

“…the nipples on [Rosechu’s] sensitive breasts rise for sensual massage, or can be sucked on, like a teat on a Miltank, by her newborn children.”

– Chris-chan, on ruining Pokemon forever

 

chrischan_header5

Okay, let’s bring this back down to basics. Chris has bizarrely terrible luck with women.

There’s nothing I can really say to build this next one up. It is colloquially known among trolls as the “Giant Penis Comic“; that alone is enough to make you skip down to the provided pictures. You’re probably not even reading this right now, especially because this is #6 in the list and according to WordPress you’ve already put up with about 4,000 words’ worth of utter nonsense. I could be explaining the context of this comic and you wouldn’t even realize it. I could be explaining right now that this comic is a fictional account of CWC’s wedding with Ivy (a troll, of course) and documents their honeymoon and all the abysmal awkward autistic sex that takes place therein… but you aren’t even listening .

So screw it here’s the best page from the Giant Penis Comic, and also where the production takes its name from:

chrischan_GPC_censored

I’m running out of these damn stickers.

You might be thinking to yourself “haha, Dracophile… you just put down a bunch of stickers to imply that he drew himself with a grossly disproportionate cock”. To this I reply “haha, I actually put down just enough stickers because Chris literally drew himself with a grossly disproportionate cock”.

No, Chris didn’t draw himself with a huge wang because he’s trying to impress anyone; he drew it that way because the cock isn’t drawn at all. It’s traced. I bet you’re just now noticing the weird bend in the stickers and are hating yourself for wondering about it. If you pay even closer attention there’s an “action line” under his dick that doesn’t quite belong with the others; that’s because it’s believed he was also about to trace his balls, but instead of giving himself gonads of equine proportions he drew some ‘roid testes that are censored with that single Pikachu graphic.

Fun Fact: A standard sheet of printer paper, which this comic is drawn on, is 8.5 inches wide. Using Chris’ trace job as a baseline, we can conclude his pickle is about three inches long. Enjoy that mental image.

The above scan is just one page in the comic. The others are equally as gut-wrenching and are provided on the CWCiki page linked at the beginning of the entry. Like I said earlier, the comic actually tells the story of Chris’ fictional honeymoon with then-girlfriend “Ivy”. It begins with Chris kicking in the door to a suite adorned with at least five Glade plug-in air fresheners because as we all know the mist dispensed by these devices is the #1 cause of wet panties. Also, I know the specifics of these objects because CWC circled one of them and wrote “GLADE’S PLUG-IN AIR FRESHENERS” above it.

Looking at the art we can see Chris-chan went through great lengths to make the scene as romantic as possible. There’s a fancy bed, nice paintings on the wall, the aforementioned 120V Glade vaginal lubricant factories, matching curtains and carpet, and rose petals in the shape of a heart. For someone who cuts corners wherever possible this is really going the distance. The situation is so full of romance that, once they start having sex, Chris and Ivy turn into rip-offs of Sonic and Sally Acorn.

chrischan_Diaperfetish

Remember. It’s this guy we’re talking about here.

“I can imagine myself doing it with a collie at least. you know, like Lassie.”

– Chris-chan, on sex

 

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: Just prior to the publication of this article Dracophile took an extended break from GatorAIDS following the loss of a friend. Roastmaster stepped in and managed the website for several weeks during this time and posted this article to “break the ice”. He references an article written by Dracophile that has been removed from the archives as per his request.]

I can see from the WordPress administrator panel that Dracophile has at least four recent drafts. None of them have edited since the morning of October 13th, a day where the website was closed and when it re-opened an “in memoriam” article had been posted. I don’t know how to properly console people and even though I offered to lighten up said memorial article the question is still asked, “Is it okay for us to laugh again?” I can’t tell you when Dracophile will be back to finish any of his drafts. Last I heard from him he was having sleep issues and still trying to collect himself from the news but I can answer the question on everybody’s minds:

Yes, it is okay to laugh again.

At the end of last month I penned an article that took a look at 20 of the most insane things to ever come from the mouth of @Horse_ebooks, a Twitter robot that padded its spam links with the most bizarre and nonsensical crap anybody has ever heard so their equine ebook pyramid scheme wouldn’t get picked up on Twitter’s radar. Reading @Horse_ebooks’ tweets is like reading spam email subject lines that were translated from English to Japanese and back and written by a retarded kid. I presented you with 20 of the weirdest that I could find, you asked for more, so here’s another serving of crazy.

 

What kind of threat is this? A wife scolding her redneck husband for getting drunk and blowing their pension on shit from these people?

 

Fact: According to a national survey conducted by Hot Topic, this phrase is carved into the arms of approximately 92% of all “emo” kids.

 

Holy shit Horsey are you about to go all Predator on my ass?

 

Actually, unless we’re discussing a photograph that features penises plural your junk will always be the “focal point” no matter what the subject is supposed to be.

 

Whoa whoa whoa, you’re going to have to slow the fuck right down, buddy. Are we talking about real estate or working at Wendy’s here? What wife, when did I get married? How do you shop for “furniture trouble”? Are we going to IKEA?

 

Just what the fuck kind of books are you selling, exactly?

 

I don’t know how I feel about that, does it give me discounts when I buy glue from Wal-Mart? Do I get free access to have sex with whatever characters from My Little Pony that I want? Did I just say that last one out loud?

 

Yes. Yes. Yes. No.

 

Translation: “Get money, fuck bitches.”

 

Additionally, many people think the most popular way of taking a dump is through the butthole.

 

Why thank you, Horsey. I fancy myself a high-brow comedian and I’m enthralled that I’ve tickled your fancy with my humor.

 

D:

I think we’re done with bowel functions now, Horsey.

 

Good lord you have some terribly violent tendencies, my friend. Have you considered anger management classes?

 

I’m betting money this “secret tactic” has an Asian name and has been passed down from generations of karate masters. Either that or the “secret tactic” is just “buy a gun”.

 

That’s probably because this isn’t 1998 and going overboard with e-[noun] has been passe for over a fucking decade. Also, I’m pretty sure Yahooligans isn’t the best place to register for your wedding; any site that contains a directory of “Ate My Balls” jokes generally isn’t.

 

Ha ha ha, I get it. Dracophile makes a bunch of jokes about Mr. Hands and now this is the “in” thing to do again. Right.

 

For the love of God please do not tell me the last word of this sentence is “birth”. I’ve seen one too many threads on 4chan about this kind of shit to know it does not end well at all.

 

In the middle of this insanity I appreciate the fact that Horsey would want to sit us down for a nice conversational pow-wow about dated toys from the 1950’s…

 

…as well as defunct occupations from fucking medieval times. Who the hell still makes candles, sixty year old women whose only remaining commitment in life is to watch Jeopardy re-runs?

 

Uh huh. One thing I don’t think you understand about us humans, Horsey, is that unlike you we don’t actually use horseshoes for money. You can have all the horseshoes you want, there’s hundreds of country antique stores in the American south that can’t even give those rusty pieces of shit away.

 

I feel like taking advantage of @Horse_ebooks is too easy, but I mean, this is what insanity looks like and very rarely do you ever get to see that take place in real time (unless you’re a fan of local public access programming in which case you’re likely an equally as socially retarded shut in that hasn’t seen the sun since the Clinton administration). Honestly, though, in the time it took me to put together these two articles our friend Horsey here has rapidly spiraled into an even more depraved level of un-thought.

Let’s just not make this a mainstay here at GatorAIDS, okay? I’d rather write about things other than Twitter.

– Roastmaster

Twitter. Seriously. I hate it, and yet it’s something I’ve written the most articles about. To be honest it’s just a timesink of worthless regurgitated crap and the only practical use I can see it being utilized for is a makeshift RSS feed for people to use to keep up to date with their favorite websites which would be a great idea if RSS didn’t already exist in the first place. I don’t really care what butthole Daniel Tosh just rimmed or if Adam Savage just busted the myth of how many buttholes Daniel Tosh can lick in one minute. The fact that Kim Kardashian has almost as many followers as Barack Obama is pretty much proof that this country is fucked.

Despite all this I think I’ve found something I actually like about the service and that is automated script bots. Yes, the same “people” that try selling you cheap Nikes and WoW gold have also infested Twitter. Normally Twitter would nuke these bot accounts for doing nothing but spamming Viagra links but the trick here is these bots don’t spam URLs only; they’ll post a link once in a while and pad the spam with a few bizarrely generated tweets of utter nonsense. Horse_ebooks, a bot whose products I’m fairly certain revolve around electronic publications of an equestrian nature, is a scripted account of Russian origin whose “filler” tweets may actually be the thoughts of a mad man presented in real time.

I did what anyone else would do in this scenario, I took 20 of my favorite tweets and decided to half-ass an article.

 

Trains and retarded people go hand in hand. Who would have thought?

 

This sounds like a terrible murder comedy. I bet Ben Stiller would have the lead role and his “dead in a river” friend would be someone like Andy Dick.

 


▲ ▲

 

The usage of quotation marks and capital letters is what worries me with this tweet. It’s like Horsey is handing someone a Weed Eater with C4 stuck to it with a wink and internal laugh, waiting for them to try and turn it on.

 

Who the fuck fixes gloves? Aren’t you supposed to just buy new ones? If you’re wearing gloves while using your “metal detector” you’ll have a lot more to fix than just gloves.

 

Holy shit, Horsey are you a magician?!

 

A metal detector?

 

Of course there are other ways to defend yourself besides karate. My personal favorite happens to be firearms.

 

I don’t understand, Horsey. Do you sell hamster ebooks too? Now isn’t the time for diversification.

 

Dear god I hope we aren’t talking about horses here. I think this tweet might be illegal to read in most industrialized countries.

 

Yes. 11 years ago.

 

Thanks, Horsey. It’s good to know you’re delivering the hard-hitting news that other media outlets refuse to acknowledge.

 

What about hamsters? Horses? Do penguins attack too? What happens when a dog attacks us? Do you sell an ebook that covers that subject so we can be prepared for it when it happens?

 

I hope you’re referring to a stable. I know of a furry sex toy company that includes this very same message with all of their “equine trainer” toys.

 

What the fuck kind of Tales of Symphonia fanfiction porn are you quoting this from, Horsey? And why do I have a boner?

 

What about cats named Andy? Will the person who receives this book theoretically enjoy it twice as much?

 

It’s good to know wherever in Russia Horsey lives that he gets the Lifetime Network because he just gave a 140 character summary of every movie they’ve ever aired.

 

The hell? Is this a quote from some kind of gimmicky furry product for people with equine transformation fetishes? Or… holy shit… is this from a magical spell e-tome that can turn people into horses?

 

What? Mutual what? Horse genitalia? TELL ME HORSEY, I NEED TO KNOW! I WANT TO HAVE A SPECIAL, SATISFYING, FULFILLING, AND LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HORSE!!

 

Do they even have Chinese restaurants in Russia?

 

Finding 20 brilliant tweets from Horsey wasn’t too hard, but I had to read through a lot of repeat spam to bring you these little nuggets of joy. I hope you enjoyed this presentation of “Diet” Horse_ebooks, because I have a whole bag full of little gems spit out by this master horse.

– Roastmaster