[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

And so here we are, the final installment of the energy drink trilogy on RFSHQ. We are down to the final three energy drinks in the no holds barred battle of the beverages. Omega Mega Energy, Black Hole, and Jump are about to face the jury and the likes of the six brave drinks that came before them. Unfortunately, our RFSHQ forum buddy FpS ref1ex has declined a third installment after Clamato and Von Dutch performed a Mexican hat dance in his stomach.

For those of you just joining us though, each drink will be judged on Appearance, Ingredients, Smell, Taste, and Energy Received.

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“Omega Mega Energy”

Appearance: Looking like something that came off the shelves of a Target store, Omega Mega Energy contains stripes. Lots of stripes. Enough stripes to make me question if this came from the 1970’s and just sat on a shelf somewhere all these years. Compound that with the most redundant name ever seen on a product and we have a real winner here. Also, what is with “COSMO” being plastered on the can? What kind of energy is this exactly? Astronaut energy? Fairly Oddparents energy?

Ingredients: Thankfully, Omega Mega Energy is a breath of fresh air in the realm of these articles. Finally, a drink that is not citrus for once. Cranberry Lime sounds strange, like one of the few million drink combinations they serve at Sonic restaurants, but at least it doesn’t sound as bad as Recon’s “coffee cola”. Omega Mega Energy is also pretty proud to proclaim there is no sugar or high fructose corn syrup in their drink. I’ve seen those Juicy Juice commercials, high fructose corn syrup looks sick… like soap. I don’t want to drink soap, I’ve already had that. It was called Von Dutch.

Smell: Omega Mega Energy almost smells like some kind of fine wine, implying that they actually might be better than everyone else. This is the kind of energy drink that Bill Gates and other billionaires enjoy, no doubt. If it’s not wine I smell then maybe it’s just expired.

Taste: I think someone got confused at the bottling plant. This does not taste bad, but it tastes like the cheap fruit flavored sparkling waters you can buy at Wal-Mart. I’m actually pretty pleased that this was bought on sale because if I had paid full price I’d be pretty pissed off knowing that I can get 20 ounces of the same shit from somewhere else for 49 cents.

Energy Received: Frankly I don’t care how much Taurine and other stuff I can’t spell is in this drink. I am convinced I have been drinking this for years, and last time I checked Taurine was a Pokemon anyways. These people are full of shit.

Rating: 8/10

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“Jump”

Appearance: I am fairly certain that this can is attempting to use its artwork and one word title to instruct the dinosaurs on what they should have done when the meteor was coming. Either that, or it’s predicting the apocalypse, my apocalypse; look at this stuff, it’s coffee cola. Recon tried pulling this stunt with me earlier and that was quite disgusting.

Ingredients: Jump has “caffeine like I’ve never had before” in it’s own separate explosion which means that this caffeine will most likely be that exciting for me, because it’s new. Jump also wants to let me know that the very first ingredient in it is triple filtered carbonated water, meaning that the base of this drink had its ass kicked three times for my enjoyment. Bad ass.

Smell: The second this can depressurized that same familiar nasty smell of coffee and cola filled the room. It smells exactly like Recon just in a smaller and more obtrusive can. Oddly enough it shares the same properties; the closer you get to it the more it smells like regular coke.

Taste: After taking one big sip of Jump, I actually cringed. The coffee is not as overpowering as Recon was, but once you swallow it it comes right back up and lingers. Because Jump is sugar free it also has the same Diet Coke taste as Recon did. You know what, why am I even writing this? This shit is Recon just in a different can. They aren’t fooling me anymore; that was a really mean and evil prank you guys. Seriously.

Energy Received: I dumped this can out and crushed it with my bare hand. Manly.

Rating: 3/10

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“Black Hole”

Appearance: Here we are, the final drink out of our original 9. Will Black Hole get that perfect 10 or will it get stuffed with a 1 or possibly even a 0? Well first of all, this can is telling me to “suck it” so I already don’t like it. Actually, it was telling me that until I rotated it a little more to reveal that it really says “suck it up”, like a black hole I’m assuming. Just like all of the other drinks it feels that it should throw them all around the lid of the can, but that really doesn’t matter because I honestly have no clue what “COQ10” is anyways, other than the fact that it is pronounced “cock ten”.

Ingredients: Aside from COQ10 and the other ambiguous ingredients plastered all over the can there are of course more listed in the little Nutritional Facts box. However, Black Hole isn’t a drink, it’s a liquid vitamin; it has a Supplement Facts box. Thankfully, in barely legible print it also defines COQ10, telling me that it’s a naturally produced body enzyme that apparently ceases to exist after you turn 20. Among the things COQ10 apparently does, “scavenges free radicals” is one of them. I’m assuming this drink lets me feast on the bodies of dead politicians. Bad ass.

Smell: Black Hole has the smell of citrus like most drinks, but there is a strange smell in there as well that I cannot identify. It smells vaguely of rotting food or something completely unappetizing to that extent, much like the other strange crap that the other drinks smell like. I think it’s the COQ10 I’m smelling. It’s the rotting bodies of the dead people I can feast on like a vulture.

Taste: If I were suck on a lime, there’s your taste. I guess by “suck it” the can meant “it” to be a lime.

Energy Received: Where are the dead people? I go could for a leg right now.

Rating: 7/10

 

Well, there you have it folks. I toughed it through the best and the worst of energy drinks, trying to power myself up to deal with life and prevent me from getting any sleep whatsoever. While nothing managed to get that perfect one-zero, I would say that the Everlast Energy from the first article was the best out of the 9, the worst of course being that horrifyingly disgusting Clamato. Its disgusting fishy aroma and taste will haunt my dreams forever. Get powered up America, it’s time you continued another health fad.

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

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This is gonna be one of THOSE days.

You know, I’m not really one to buy into promotional tie-ins and whatnot, since most of those are relatively short lived as it is. However one promotional that has withstood the test of time, and even been added to frequently, are those Harry Potter-themed jelly beans manufactured by the Jelly Belly Company. Normally I love their products; they make Dr. Pepper flavored jelly beans, among other awesome confectioneries. These Potter Beans, as I’ll call them, are a turn for the worse.

No, this is not a Photoshop. Yes, that  is  “bacon” in the top left, followed by “black pepper” and “booger”. We also have such grand flavors as “dirt”, “earthworm”, “earwax”, “grass” (not marijuana, mind you), “rotten egg”, “sardine”, “soap”, and the bulimic’s favorite: “vomit“. Whoever thought this was a good idea deserves to be shot right now. Furthermore, who even taste-tested these things, and how many times?

“Nope, this doesn’t taste enough like throw-up; add more of those rotten egg and bacon jelly beans into it.”

If you haven’t caught on by now, I am once again taking off the bulletproof vest of being a totally seriou Internet tough guy to let society take low blows and purple nurples at their leisure. I’ll be covering the “bad” flavors in this package of treats and letting you know that vomit probably does taste like vomit, and I’m almost certain after tasting the fake vomit flavor the real thing won’t be too far behind. Each bean will be rated by their appearance, smell (if any), flavor (realism), and aftertaste, along with a final score to summarize each of them.

Bacon
Appearance:  It’s like an intestine colored bean with white spots. Probably what Dick Cheney’s arteries look like.
Smell:  It smells just like fresh bacon bits for a baked potato or an egg omelet. In other words, it smells like breakfast which is not a bad thing.
Flavor:  It resembles bacon indeed… burnt bacon that was cooked in brown sugar. Tasted fine for a while but then it got bad.
Aftertaste:  It tastes like I ate straight brown sugar. Disgusting.
Rating:  3/10

Black Pepper
Appearance:  It looks like a robot bean. It’s grey with dark grey spots all over it. This must be candy for those robots that build cars.
Smell:  Ach-oo!
Flavor:  It tastes like a mixture of pepper, black licorice, and water sealant. Not good at all and of course it’s sweet.
Aftertaste:  I just ate a mouthful of sawdust.
Rating:  3/10

Booger
Appearance:  It’s like a high-contrast bean, one that was painted by a 5 year old in Windows 3.1 Paintbrush. Lime green with brown spots.
Smell:  Odorless… unless of course I’m used to the smell of my own by now?
Flavor:  I was never the nerd in kindergarten that ate his boogers, but now I have to wonder what the hell was wrong with that kid. This tastes like spearmint bubble gum that someone took a crap on.
Aftertaste:  Rubber bands.
Rating:  2/10

Dirt
Appearance:  I guess they wanted it to look like a rock or something because it’s dirt. Brown with black spots.
Smell:  Odorless.
Flavor:  You know that smell of the floral/garden department of Wal-Mart? It tastes like that.
Aftertaste:  I can’t get the taste of savings and low low prices out of my mouth.
Rating:  2/10

Earthworm
Appearance:  It’s like Dirt’s younger and uglier brother. Red with black spots.
Smell:  It smells of garlic and rotting fruit.
Flavor:  One bite, tasted like utter death and Fear Factor.
Aftertaste:  I don’t know, by now I had grated my tongue off.
Rating:  0/10

Earwax
Appearance:  Earwax does a nice job of disguising itself as a Cafe Latte flavor bean… but I am on to you, Earwax. You and your cream colored skin.
Smell:  Odorless.
Flavor:  It tastes like a banana covered in salt. Not disgusting, but not the greatest thing ever either.
Aftertaste:  It’s like Donkey Kong’s banana hoard in my mouth.
Rating:  7/10

Grass
Appearance:  Trying to imitate Green Apple, Grass is a light green. Nothing fancy… it’s the minimalist bean.
Smell:  Like a football field, fresh cut.
Flavor:  It’s like chewing a mouthful of sweet lettuce. Not the greatest thing ever.
Aftertaste:  Umm, play ball!
Rating:  5/10

Rotten Egg
Appearance:  This has got to be the most menacing candy that I have ever seen. It’s huge, irregularly shaped, and is a pale yellow with blotches of green that are actually raised on the surface.
Smell:  It smells like Bacon’s companion to a great breakfast. Something tells me tomorrow I am not going to want to eat breakfast.
Flavor:  Imagine you tried eating an uncooked egg that’s been sitting on the counter for a few months; yeah it’s kind of like that.
Aftertaste:  Indescribable pain.
Rating:  -Infinity/10

Sardine
There were no Sardine beans present in this box.

Soap
Appearance:  It’s a cute little baby blue bean with little bubbles that are on the surface. It becomes ugly, though, when I remember this goes in my mouth.
Smell:  Smells like clean!
Flavor:  I just let out a string of profanities and this is what happens. This shit cleans better than Orbit gum.
Aftertaste:  I’m never swearing in my lifetime ever again.
Rating:  2/10

Vomit
Appearance:  The piece de résistance. The ominous circus peanut orange speckled with blood red.
Smell:  The scent of sickness.
Flavor:  Yup, that’s authentic alright. If I ate pure cane sugar and threw up, that’s what it would taste like.
Aftertaste:  OH GOD GET THIS OUT OF MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW.
Rating:  FUCK YOU

No amount of real jelly beans or Dr. Pepper could rid my mouth of this horrible assortment of tastes and as I write this my stomach is performing an interpretive dance to Rage Against The Machine. Some of these flavors I think are actually discussed in the Geneva Convention and if I recall correctly I believe several Japanese soldiers tested these beans on unsuspecting civilians in Unit 731. I would have preferred my arms be frozen and then smashed to pieces than eating these beans.

Hell, I’d rather have been the poor soul in the compression chamber.

Either way, I am fairly certain my digestive tract is about as angry with me as an enraged housewife who missed American Idol, so while you bask in the warm light of Internet comedy, I’ll be in the bathroom performing an action one of these beans was named after.

No, not bacon.

– Dracophile

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

If you’re just joining us, have a quick read of “Energizing Energy Drinks 1” to find out what’s going on here. If you’re lazy, here’s the “too long didn’t read” version: We bought nine energy drinks with the intent to taste and judge each of them three at a time. After the disgusting “Clamato” we put up with last time we figured that it couldn’t possibly get worse. How wrong could we have been? Everything is bad in the realm of energy drinks.

This time around we have three more drinks to sample. “NOS”, an attempt to cash-in on the street racing fans, “Von Dutch”, aimed towards confused and angsty teenagers, and “Stinger”, which I can only guess is meant to appeal to people who have sex with bees and other insects that may or may not wish to inject poison into your bloodstream. RFSHQ forum user FpS ref1ex will also be sacrificing his GI tract in the name of comedy.

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“NOS”

Appearance: “High Performance”, “Throttle in a Bottle” even though it’s a can… “Caution: POWERFUL”. This drink is like a full-on in your face “drink this and throw a fucking car” energy drink. I’m sure if I drank this, according to what it says on the can (or BOTTLE as the slogan reads), that I could beat a thousand ninjas in hand to hand combat. Look at that can, it’s like the arrow factory and the awesome factory had some bastard kid. That kid was called NOS.

Ingredients: The ingredients here, and I’m not lying, are displayed as “POWER INGREDIENTS” on the back of the can. Nothing says POWER like extreme ingredients such as “carbonated water”, “taurine”, “sodium hexametaphosphate”, and monopotassium phosphate”. Just reading those makes me want to go out and punch old people or throw babies really, really far. Did I mention it’s also sugar free?

Smell: It smells exactly like Everlast. I’m now thinking this probably is Everlast with a much more extreme name and appearance, and unlike the wussy “blast” that Everlast advertised, NOS probably has the “BLAST” that I talked about. NOS smells like a fruit salad; if that fruit salad was made entirely of oranges and pineapples.

Taste: NOS is like if you were you get a handful of mandarin oranges and a handful of fresh cut pineapple chunks, and then clap your hands really hard. The result is some crazy citrus tang that, although is now probably exactly like Everlast, it doesn’t look, smell, or taste as puny as Everlast did. This ain’t no battery can, this is all up in your face citrus. Not that bad at all.

Energy Received: After drinking NOS, I’m not sure if it’s just my head telling me this, but I feel like playing chicken with a monster truck. Maybe it’s the “taurine” or maybe it’s the “hexametaphosphate” and the other stuff I can’t spell right, but this is clearly better than Everlast.

Rating: 8/10

FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: NOS is not supposed to be an energy drink, it’s supposed to be used in cars. Not people. I think it tastes like oranges with pineapples and lots of sugar and other shit I can’t spell or pronounce.

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“Von Dutch”

Appearance: Von Dutch looks like the creation of Hot Topic and a 14 year old with Photoshop; lots of spikes, lots of black, lots of red, and lots of stupid fonts. I counted 7. Its insane self-promotion on the side of the can boasting coast-to-coast brand loyalty only adds to the mystery of why the hell I’ve never heard of this, nor have I seen it before. Probably because this is a bunch of bullshit and they made it up. I don’t like liars, and something tells me this isn’t “sugar free” either.

Ingredients: Von Dutch, like most energy drinks, contains a lot of sciency things that I don’t even know what the hell they are. Whatever it is though, it has that same warning that Trident gum has: “Phenylketonurics: Contains Phenylalanine”. I’d imagine it would suck to be a Phenylketonuric, just because instead of giving someone a reason of why you refused their offer of gum, you’d just have to say “fuck off”. It must be a trend though for these drinks to not contain sugar, which Von Dutch of course does not have.

Smell: This drink matches the color and scent of cheap dollar store licorice. I would hope it tastes that way, because even though it’s cheap and from a dollar store, it’s not that bad. It smells of both strawberry and that black licorice, which doesn’t have a name besides just “black” (insert racial joke here). Von Dutch would make a better air freshener than a drink I’m sure.

Taste: This tastes good for like a split second, and then IT hits you. “It” can only be defined as the liquefied version of the sour covering of Warheads candy. Before this drink rapes your tongue in the ass, it tastes like watermelon, then it tastes like the way expensive perfume smells, and then straight Warhead assault. Like I predicted, it would make a better air freshener.

Energy Received: Enough energy for me to twist my face in disgust.

Rating: 2/10

FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: It tastes like a margarita with shit on top. If I could rate it, I’d give it a 0, a negative 0.

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“Stacker2 Stinger”

Appearance: With artwork that appears to be ripped right off of a stupid 1980’s B-Movie, Stinger is smaller than most of the drinks we’ve seen so far and is about the same size as Clamato which I’m hoping that this is not what it is. Stinger is pleasant to look at, light blue with purple, and then somehow they thought white text was a good idea. I can hardly read anything on this can, except for the bee, and the name “STINGER”, along with the fact that this is also “sugar free”.

Ingredients: No sugar, “B-stack”, and a thousand pissed off bees.

Smell: Stinger smells just like those blue raspberry lollipops you used to be able to get from the bank, which is a good thing. Unfortunately, it smells like a lollipop that someone dropped into a can of beans, and subsequently threw up on. It’s smell almost has the properties of Jones’ Brussels Sprout soda that filled up the entire room immediately and would not leave like some annoying vacuum salesman.

Taste: Despite the fact that this drink smells of ass, it doesn’t taste bad at all. Stinger is a very sweet drink that tastes like those raspberry flavored Dum Dum pops but with a lot more sweetness to it. Not enough sweet to cause insta-cavities, but enough to put you off of not wanting it. That compounded with its smell is enough to make we want to throw this out.

Energy Received: After drinking Stinger, my olfactory senses were destroyed but overall I wasn’t much better off than when I started. Stinger made me feel incredibly bored, and reminded me how low I am on ideas to put myself through this crap.

Rating: 3/10

FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: When you first smell it, it smells really bad like a shit tortilla. But then when you take a drink, it tastes like a raspberry tortilla and it turns out better than I thought it would.

 

While none of these drinks made me want to throw up as bad as Clamato did, the taste of Von Dutch and the smell of Stinger came pretty close to it. I can’t even begin to think why these companies would label their products as “good” if they have such offensive qualities to them. NOS, of course, is probably Everlast in a different can with the same ingredients. Since Everlast was our “winner” in our previous article, NOS takes the cake here as well.

Let’s all raise up our cans of whatever we’re drinking, and give a toast to good health and caffeine overdosing!

– Dracophile and FpS ref1ex

[Editor’s Note: Due to incomplete backups of RFSHQ’s content, this article contains media that is missing from its TwilightFoundry.com republication.]

Energy drinks are big business nowadays. It appears that mankind can’t function one day without a citrus kick in the gonads to get a running start for the day, everyday. Where I go, I see energy drink vending machines next to the soda dispensers, for twice the price of course. Since this really is a million-dollar market, there are a lot of copycats in the mix trying to make a quick buck.

Do these wannabes really have what it takes to call themselves “energy drinks”? Recently I bought nine different brands of drinks with the intent to give each of them a test drive on the Energy-O-Meter (trademark pending). Each of the nine beverages will be judged on five different criteria. Appearance, Ingredients, Smell, Taste, and the Energy I feel like I received from trying the drink. Over the course of three articles we will be trying all nine drinks, so for those of you who aren’t too sharp in math, that’s three drinks per article, adding up to nine. Joining me in my journey this time is RFSHQ forum user FpS ref1ex.

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“Everlast Nutrition”

Appearance: Everlast Nutrition comes in a 16oz can that looks like it escaped from a hardware store. Yellow and black, just like caution tape, which I’m hoping isn’t a serious warning. It almost looks like a battery, like a Duracell battery, and if I could power my car with this beast I would. It’s also “sugar free”, so it has to be dentist approved as well.

Ingredients: This drink, obviously, does not have sugar. So this defies “energy” since sugar makes most kids turn into atomic bombs. From what the can says, this isn’t just citrus flavored, it’s a blast of citrus flavor. But “blast” is not capitalized, so maybe it’s like, a “punch” of citrus… or maybe a “pat on the back” of citrus. The can has a warning that this 16oz can has as much caffeine as a cup of coffee… if coffee was served in 16oz cans I guess.

Smell: The second I opened this, it smelled like the grapefruit cart at Wal-Mart blew up at my desk. There is not really an offensive odor or any kind of terrible smell coming from the can, unless you really fucking hate grapefruit, in which case this drink will flip-kick your ass.

Taste: First off, you can taste the “not sugar” because it has that aftertaste hint of Diet Coke. It tastes like a cross between pure lemon juice, and pure lemon juice with a little bit of grapefruit, and then I guess pure lemon juice with Diet Coke. They really should have capitalized “blast” in the title since the first drink performed a Mexican hat dance on my tongue. If they didn’t want to capitalize “blast” and instead leave it lowercase they should have at least said something like “citrus hurricane katrina”.

Energy Received: The can says “quick reaction”, but upon finishing over half the can, I have yet to feel any kind of kick. I mean, I feel awake, but not awake as in “I’m going to run to Mexico” awake. Just the regular “I still probably won’t finish this article when I want to” awake.

Rating: 6/10

FpS reflex’s Verdict: It’s more of a pineapple with oranges smell to it. It smells pretty good, like an air freshener but not one of those cheap ass car ones, like a limousine air freshener. It tastes like a saltine cracker soaked in orange juice.

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“Clamato Energia”

Appearance: The name of the drink is in Spanish, and if Spanish candy has taught me anything, it’s that chili and salt are the equivalent of sugar. On a worse note, this drink is comprised of both tomatoes and clams. They may as well just combine pencil shavings and dog shit and call that a drink. The can tries its best to look “in your face” and up to date but it fails, unless of course this in regards to all the other weird Spanish drinks.

Ingredients: Tomatoes. Clams. Lime. Dear god.

Smell: The second the can depressurized, I was discouraged from continuing this article. The drink smells of ravioli sauce and black pepper and some other incredibly offensive ingredient which I can only guess is the clam; it kind of smells like a plate of shit that would be passed off as “food” in a very fancy restaurant. You know, the kind of meal that smells like a wet fart, but has about 18 pounds of mint on top to cover up the fact that it smells like a wet fart. The problem is that this doesn’t have 18 pounds of mint to go with it.

Taste: I took one sip of this drink and threw up a bit in my mouth. It tastes like a cheap store brand alphabet soup with a load of pepper and if someone took a piss in it. By the time I finished that sentence, the horrible aftertaste kicked in, which tasted like the way a public bathroom smells. I couldn’t manage a second drink at all, and I hope that no one else has to put themselves through this horrible episode. Ever.

Energy Received: Enough energy to get up and run to the bathroom to dry heave a few times.

Rating: FUCK YOU MEXICO.

FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: No.

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“Recon”

Appearance: This has to be the official drink of the United States Army. In fact, you could lose this can if you went out in the woods because this thing would blend right in. This drink must be rugged since its camo-paint job implies that this is the manly outdoorsman’s drink. It’s got an extra tall can for maximum, uh, not dropping it I suppose. This can also boasts that it will “invigorate” me, and other big words that I don’t quite understand that well. One thing I do understand is “sugar free”.

Ingredients: Right off the bat this can tells you that it has “extreme” caffeine in it. Extreme, like the 1990’s forgot about this drink because since then everything is extreme. It’s also coffee and cola flavored so that’s a double whammy of drinks that keep you up all night, all in one can. So we’re looking at a drink right now that’s made for the office secretary that is also a hardcore gamer at night.

Smell: You know how when you go into Wal-Mart to buy a 12-pack of Coke, how there’s always that one pack that the ADHD Mexican kid ripped apart and break danced on? Take that kid and his soda into the freshly grown coffee bean aisle, and have him go insane there. It smells like coffee from far away, but up close it’s really a can of Coke in disguise.

Taste: Take that Mexican kid’s Coke away and replace it with Diet Coke, because this has the same weird aftertaste. The coffee part doesn’t stand out as much as the can made it sound like, so it’s like Diet Coke with those Cappuccino Jelly Belly candies floating around in there.

Energy Received: I wish I could say that I feel like cutting down a tree with an axe, or shooting up terrorists… or shooting up terrorists while cutting down a tree, but this drink just doesn’t do it for me.

Rating: 3/10

FpS ref1ex’s Verdict: It smells like very strong coffee grounds but sounds like it has the fizz of a soda. I hate coffee so I’m not taking a drink.

 

Out of these three, the Everlast one would be the most beneficial to anyone looking for a quick energy fix. If you’re looking to lose the pounds you gained while eating dinner go for the Clamato; and if you want to look like a real American hero in front of your buddies at the hunting lease, take a 6-pack of Recon with you.

I don’t think I quite understand or comprehend the danger I have just subjected myself to, but we will find out in good time with the next two articles. Stay tuned.

– Dracophile and FpS ref1ex

I’m a big guy. I weigh 200 pounds and I wear XL sized shirts. In the next few years my metabolism will slow down and if I keep acting the way I do I might become a lardass. (Not likely, but whatever. It makes a good premise to this mess and I’m out of ideas.) From the same depths of humanity where that White Overnite sample came from, I’ve received some sample “Nutrisystem Nourish” foods.

For those not in the know, Nutrisystem is a new kind of balanced “diet” that — by looking at the ingredients — is primarily soy. In large doses, soy is know to give men slightly larger boobs because it has some form of women hormones in it. So if I have to start wearing A-cups because of this damn article then I won’t be too happy, but I had it coming. In this update I will be sampling three Nutrisystem products and giving my honest review of them. Here goes nothing.

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“Pretzels”

I love pretzels, okay? It’s God’s gift to mankind for us to figure out how to make pretzels. In fact Jesus actually showed up in some bakery and said to this one guy “Hey if you twist this bread like this, bake it, and throw salt on it, you’ll be a millionaire!” I believe that because it’s true. So, Nutrisystem has pretzels too and I was pretty excited to hear this. I got the bag, looked it over, but was disappointed to see it was made of soy. It can’t be that bad, so I cracked it open and took a look.

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What in the wide world of extreme sports…

Exactly what the hell are these things and what are they doing in this bag? These are not pretzels. These are some kind of weird-ass machine-formed insult to the bakery world with salt on them, if it even is salt. I cautiously put one in my mouth and chewed it up. I can’t describe the taste of this. It’s not good, but it doesn’t make my innards want to explode in a colorful mix of inhumanity. It’s like the taste of stale bread that’s been blasted with a load of rock salt. Even worse, Nutrisystem labels these as “Dessert”. No, pretzels are food, they are a meal because I said so, and they are the leaders of the snack world.

While discomforting to eat, it’s slightly enjoyable. If the rest of the food in this thing are as average of this, then anyone wanting to try this out really has nothing to worry about.

Rating: 7/10

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“Crispy Nacho Soy Snackers”

I can’t be certain what these exactly are supposed to be. On the bag they look like some kind of bastardized potato chip… but potatoes do not exist in Nutrisystem Land. Like the Pretzels, these “snackers” are also made of soy. I am beginning to think someone messed with the Nutrisystem delivery trucks if all they have is soy and imitation salts. Since cheese is fatty, I really don’t want to know what the cheese in this is made out of. I cautiously opened the bag of chips and poured some out onto the playing field.

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Almost all of the bag.

Words escape me. These look like the most disgusting pieces of food I have ever eaten. They resemble small circular replicas of a Dungeons & Dragons nerd’s face, minus the grease because this is supposed to be healthy. I nervously put one in my mouth and chewed it up. My tongue was immediately assaulted with a hard crispy wafer of pain delivered in the form of fake cheese substitutes. In the name of comedy I took another bite, trying to ignore the Dungeons & Dragons reference I made earlier. The taste would not leave my mouth, normally I’d get a Coke but that would defeat the purpose of “diet”.

If Satan’s soul were to be transformed into a “consumable good”, this would be it.

Rating: 2/10

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“Whole Wheat Melba Toast”

Melba toast resembles a piece of bread that was hit by a steamroller and then left to harden, and then to harden a second time. Just by feeling it through the package I assumed what was in here was an edible doorstop. I don’t exactly know what kind of “meal” a package of Melba toast is. Maybe it’s a snack. A very unappetizing and boring looking snack. I believe the purpose of Nutrisystem is not to make you eat their food, but to discourage you from eating food altogether.

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I broke a tooth.

I broke the toast, and it was like a very hard cracker. I popped the piece into my mouth, and wasn’t expecting much flavor. The saliva in my mouth was immediately sucked dry by the demonic bread cracker. I tried chewing it up, but it had the texture of a soggy Triscuit cracker which, for those who don’t know, feels like a mouthful of dental floss. It was disgusting and it tasted of old cardboard boxes. The unflavored bread was kicking the crap out of my mouth, so I ran to the bathroom and spit it out and drank a glass of water to fix the damage it caused.

Forget what I said about the Soy Snackers. This is the embodiment of Satan.

Rating: 1/10

Join us next time when I will subject myself to three more items of pain from the Nutrisystem menu!

– Dracophile

To go along with the horrid “Jones Challenge” episode of The Radio F Show, I have written an article to cover in depth the Five Flavors of Doom: The 2005 Jones Holiday Pack. In this article I’ll be “rating” each of the five flavors based on Appearance, Smell, Taste, and an Overall score.

 

Wild Herb Stuffing
Appearance
: Wild Herb Stuffing has the appearance of watered down semen. It’s opaque and white. While I was intimidated by the appearance of the drink, I assumed it was what was promised on the label. For looking like milk with melted ice in it, I’ll have to give a 5/10.
Smell: The soda did not seem to have an smell at all. I had gotten to the point of jamming my nose into the bottle, and there still wasn’t any scent, so I can’t really rate this odorless mystery. ?/10
Taste: When I took a cautious sip of the odorless and suggestive looking drink I was expecting a blast of garlic and bread crumbs. Instead I got what tasted like pure soda carbonation and some form of pepper. While it wasn’t too great, this was one of two bottles I managed to drink in the Contest. 5/10
Overall: For a basic drink that tastes like fizzy pepper, you can’t go wrong if that’s your thing. 5/10

 

Pumpkin Pie
Appearance
: This drink looked like a slightly darker orange soda. It didn’t appear to be that harmful in the least bit, and was actually pretty fizzy. 7/10
Smell: The drink smelled like some sort of baked good, which I am assuming is the drink’s namesake, Pumpkin Pie. White it didn’t smell appetizing, it didn’t make my skin want to melt off either. 5/10
Taste: It can look and smell nice, but when it comes to taste that’s the bottom line. This tasted like burning sugar and was horrible. I could feel cavities being created in my teeth with just one sip. 3/10
Overall: It looks nice, it kind of smelled nice, but it tasted so bad that I couldn’t muster more than one drink. 4/10

 

Cranberry
Appearance
: Cranberry looked a lot like juice and didn’t look that menacing. It was also very fizzy. Looks can be deceiving though. 8/10
Smell: This beverage smelled just like what it was named. It smelled like a nice cup of cranberry juice, a common breakfast friend of mine when I actually have breakfast. 9/10
Taste: I warily took a little sip of the drink before I suddenly took a much larger drink of it. It tasted great! Just like cranberry juice, only carbonated! The only other bottle I managed to drink in the Contest. 10/10
Overall: This drink surprised me. There’s nothing wrong with this drink, and is clearly the best in the pack. 9/10

 

Turkey & Gravy
Appearance
: This drink made me feel a bit sick just by looking at it. It was an opaque brown, like backed up sink water. It didn’t look the least bit tasty. 2/10
Smell: Despite a horrible appearance, this smelled faintly of oranges even though we’re talking about a meat flavored drink. 5/10
Taste: One sip of this and I immediately grabbed for my bottle of water. It tasted so bad, like burnt toast with gravy on it. This bottle was devoid of anything good and wholesome for your well being. 1/10
Overall: It looks and tastes horrid, but might make a nice orange scented air freshener for a while. 3/10

 

Brussel Sprouts
Appearance
: The worst of the bunch. This was a horrid spinach green nontransclucent liquid that seemed to stare deep into my empty soul. I was scared for my life. 0/10
Smell: The smell of this putrid drink instantly filled the entire room with its pungent buttery odor. It got so bad that we had to open the windows to let the smell out. 0/10
Taste: I was damn near about ready to call this off when it came time for this. This was bad. This was beyond bad. The minute it hit my lips I wanted to vomit. 0/10
Overall: There is no God. 0/10

 

The only drink I wasn’t too cautious about was Cranberry, and I hate it when I am right. I was already expecting shit instead of rainbows and flowers from the rest of them but my god… those were horrible. The Jones delivery trucks should slap “Biohazard” symbols on them when they transport that muck.

– Dracophile

For the longest time my sponsor of impeccable dental care (according to my dentist after he stabs me about twenty times in the mouth with a hook) has been Aim Toothpaste. Aim tastes kind of pleasant, unlike the searing pain of most peppermint shit that is on the market. I was curious as to what this flavor actually was, so I looked on the tube. Nothing.

No biggie, I thought. I grabbed the box it came in out of the trash. Nothing. But where it usually says “Ass-Rammingly Hot Peppermint” or “Holy Shit That’s Cold Spearmint” it said “Great Tasting Gel”. That’s a universal description of something. That’s like Jelly Belly renaming the pear flavored beans “Great Tasting Jelly Beans”. This raised my concern because I don’t know what the hell this is made of. I flipped the tube of toothpaste over to read the ingredients. One of the ingredients listed was “flavor”. This is about as helpful as bottled water having “water” listed in its ingredients. Yes, we know there is flavor but what the hell gives it that? It certainly is not Blue 7 and Yellow 42.

Water is nothing hard to think about though. Water is water, end of story. Toothpaste is a number of weird chemical things that foam in your mouth. If the company is gonna be that vague with information… what if it’s not good for you? What if “flavor” is really something icky like “smushed up worms and dog poop” or “ground up government documents and that blue shit inside Magic 8 Balls”?

To be scientific, I decided to seriously taste the toothpaste and risk it my life doing so with the unknown ingredient flavor, now known as Ingredient X. I ate about half the tube and I still couldn’t put my finger on the components of Ingredient X. I then scrambled to the Internet embodiment of Ken Jennings, known as Wikipedia. If anyone knew, Wikipedia would know. They know everything (except good taste in Internet comedy).

I learned that kids like the taste of Aim, and that Aim is priced a lot cheaper than everything else. It must be really cheap to produce since Ingredient X is in abundance, and it is something kids like. Putting this in perspective and taking into consideration the facts I have, the only thing that is in a huge abundance and that kids like… is Ingredient X.

Ingredient X is ground up Pokemon.

– Dracophile