“Candy Blox” Candy Lego Review

I don’t possess the proficiency required in autism to be someone in their twenties who really, really, likes Lego. Sadly, I merely “enjoy” Lego in the sense that if I’m placed somewhere with nothing to do except dick around with plastic blocks I’ll probably do just that. One trait I do possess, however, is that I can’t seem to pass up on a stupid gimmick if it will give me something to write about and the subject of today’s article is just that: candy Lego.

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This is a perfect storm of awful.

Okay, so it’s not actual Lego-branded candy. This is one of the many Lego imitators out there like Mega Bloks and Best-Lock except the gimmick here isn’t Halo figurines or whatever; it’s that you can actually eat the blocks. I’m not a child psychologist but I’m about 90% sure associating candy with a non-candy item that kids routinely choke on is probably not the best course of action? I mean, the people who made Fun Dip didn’t make their components look like a fork and a plug socket for a reason. The marketing geniuses who thought Candy Blox was a good idea are also probably the same people who’d slap Spongebob Squarepants on a candy dispenser that looked like an idle stove top or make hard candies that look exactly like Tide detergent capsules. The point I’m trying to get at here is that at some point in our lives all of us have casually put a Lego in our mouths while building a spaceship or whatever and this isn’t exactly a behavior that should be encouraged.

Anyways, here’s what the damned things look like:

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My throat is tightening up just looking at them!

According to the carton Candy Blox come in four different flavors: Cherry, Lime, Blueberry, and… Banana. I’m not going to lie, all things considered that is a respectable collection of flavors. All too often confectioneries will skimp out on the yellow candies and make it a shitty imitation lemon flavor so kudos to Concord Confections for going against the grain and providing an assortment of flavors that I look forward to accidentally sucking into my trachea.

The real selling point with these candies is that they are more or less some weird hybrid of “toy” and “candy” in that you’re supposed to play with them and then eat them afterward. This pairing of nouns generally doesn’t work and somewhere there’s a landfill full of motorized toy airplanes whose cockpits were once filled with M&M’s and gumballs to prove my point. Alarmingly, the Candy Blox carton is touted as a “Starter Kit” and the box features a handful of inappropriate “serving suggestions” which further muddies the notion of whether or not I’m really supposed to eat these fucking things. (No word yet if they make “Advanced Kits” that come with enough parts to build a car or a construction site or whatever.)

You might be wondering how well these blocks fit together and the answer to that ranges from “surprisingly well” to “about as good as you’d have expected them to had I not just mentioned they sometimes aren’t total wastes of time”. Sadly, however, unlike other fake building blocks these ones aren’t “compatible with leading brands”:

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Shit, I forgot which ones are candy.

Regardless, I pushed forward and built some of the suggestions on the carton. Here’s what the end results looked like.

 

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“Wiener Dog”

This is a “Wiener Dog” according to the carton. I think that title is a bit generous because this could be anything. This only looks like a dog because I was primed to believe that by the box. If you showed this to me out of context the first thing I’d ask you is why you were showing me a motorcycle built out of second rate candy. “Built” in this sense is very loose, literally, as in “loosely assembled” because none of these pieces really want to play nicely with each other, especially the smaller ones. At any given time the dog’s tail and/or legs and either/also ears would shift and fall off and keeping it assembled for the purposes of taking a picture was beyond frustrating. I’m glad I got that out of my system now because wait until you see what the “Moose” looks like.

 

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“Moose”

Yep, his fucking head wouldn’t stay on and his ass is falling apart. Good job, Concord.

 

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“Flower”

Let me tell you something, buddy. If you didn’t believe in miracles before seeing this picture you damn well better believe in them now because the fundamental laws of physics forbid you from stacking anything atop a 2×1 Candy Blox, yet here I am with a grand total of five blocks sitting atop not one but two tiny candies. Of course, I’m essentially just blowing smoke up your ass because there was a green 2×2 block camera right that kept falling off and wouldn’t stay on for the same reason as the Moose’s head so I just said “fuck it” after fixing it and knocking the yellow part off more times than I could be bothered to keep track of. You can keep score on your own, though, by keeping an eye on the amount of Candy Blox dust that accumulates on my desk from these stupid models falling apart all the time.

 

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“Robot”

Moving toward some semblance of a model that won’t disappear the second you look away from it here’s what the carton calls a “Robot”. Eagle-eyed readers might notice the robot shown on the package in the first picture of the article is green and blue, not green and red. There’s a very good and very valid reason for that: they didn’t give me enough blue blocks to do anything with. Furthermore, the only blue pieces they did give me with the exception of the big one shown earlier in the article were the tiny 2×1 pieces that don’t stay together. If they did, this would be a model of a robot holding up his hand, not saluting an invisible flag.

Or scratching his head wondering why Concord gave me so many tiny fucking blue pieces.

 

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“Tree”

So here’s where I figured out the secret cheat code to Candy Blox is building something with only a little bit of definition that doesn’t depend on a bunch of tiny pieces to give it flair because let’s face it, that shit isn’t going to stay together long enough for you to maneuver your mouth down around it street vacuum style. I am told this is a “Tree” and I will believe that because it looks like one of the crappy Christmas trees that gets farted out of a Lego advent calendar every holiday season. Not even this thing was safe from the sheer ineptitude of the Candy Blox “artists” however because this model was the biggest culprit of what is possibly the most annoying thing about these stupid candies: the fact that the “suggested” models were drawn so ambiguously bad you had to literally guess at the pieces being used.

Since all of the candies are two studs wide this comes down to guessing whether or not the blocks shown are two to four studs long. If you think that you can be a smart ass and compare the models on the box and deduce it that way you’re fucking wrong because on the “instructions” for this tree the 3×2 block is drawn so poorly that it looks two different ways. I built that tree by guessing that because the top piece was clearly 2×1 the rest would have to be odd numbered as well. I shouldn’t have to bust out some goddamned math theory when I’m mindlessly rolling candies around in my filthy hands that I have to eat later for the sake of Internet comedy. By this point I don’t even know who my audience is anymore. As of that shitty Candy Blox flower I’ve alienated everyone so I guess no one is going to care that I got all of my terrible Candy Blox models together for an ensemble.

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If you’ve made it this far YOU ARE A LIAR.

I wasn’t sure if I should have led this article with the quality of the blocks or the taste test of the flavors. These two-stage reviews are really hard. One thing I would like to point out is that these candies are kind of messy in that my fingertips developed a filmy texture in the course of putting this article together. Again, I’m not sure what to make of this product. If Concord Confections wanted to go with candies made of compressed powder they could’ve just done that and skipped the bizarre Lego thing completely; if I’m supposed to play with these things then I’d expect them not to get all over the place and require me to wash my hands and wipe down my desk afterward. No, I don’t know why I dumped the things out directly onto my desk either.

Getting back in line with the scope of this review I mentioned at the beginning of the article that Candy Blox came in four flavors: cherry, blueberry, lime, and banana. Here’s how much I enjoyed them explained in an elaborate and roundabout manner.

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I AM A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER.

Cherry: Cough syrup and SweetTarts. Off to a great start.

Blueberry: This is going to be the highest point of this article. I’ll admit while writing this article I mentally had “blueberry” and “blue raspberry” mixed up so I was anticipating some unnaturally tart garbage hocked up from the 1990’s blue candy craze. Thankfully I was pleasantly surprised instead. I would buy a bag of just blue Candy Blox (or candy that tastes like them because Legos hurt my mouth); consequently if you’ve been paying attention this is the flavor I received the least amount of in the carton I bought. I guess flavors that don’t taste like dollar store hard candy cost more to produce. Who would have figured?

Lime: Something is wrong with this flavor. I can’t put my finger on it but it tastes awful; it’s not lime, it’s something vaguely citric, but it tastes off. I left the preceding sentences here as a placeholder so I could get a second opinion from a work colleague and they described it better than I could, but grounded in my original hypothesis: “it tastes like an old vitamin C tablet”. Fuck this.

Banana: There is really only one kind of artificial banana flavor out there and that’s largely due in part to the organic compound isoamyl acetate. It occurs naturally in bananas and it’s commonly synthesized in labs for the purposes of cheap candy such as this. Every banana flavored candy uses this; it’s not on the Candy Blox box but the banana blocks taste exactly like banana Runts which taste exactly like Jell-o banana pudding. It’s all the same shit. It’s not bad, but it’s not the greatest thing on the planet either. Also, bees use this compound to tell other bees to sting you; do not eat Candy Blox near bees.

 

Overall I’d say that Candy Blox are more fun to play with than they are to eat and if I just spent ~1,500 words bitching about how much of a pain in the ass they are to build with that doesn’t exactly look good for the “candy” part of “Candy Blox”. In short, they evoke a sensation not unlike that of sucking on an actual Lego. The candies don’t have sharp corners but they’re hard as a rock and they do have literal edges to them so I guess it’s like eating a Duplo block or something instead. I’ve been wanting to do this article for a while now and have had these candies in my desk for just as long — about a year — so I bought a fresh carton of these things to make sure mine hadn’t gone off. Nope, both the “fresh” Candy Blox and the ones that were sitting in my desk are both capable of cutting diamonds. I can’t tell if their hardness is an issue with preservatives or if they used a black hole to compress the powder they’re made from into the block molds but whatever the case is for all intents and purposes these are standalone building toys that showed zero signs of decomposition after almost a year of me leaving them in a dark drawer.

I considered stepping on a Candy Blox to see if they match up to Lego bricks but by that point I realized this stupid gimmick had gone on long enough and I was ready to end this article and then write myself off to a future of eating these candies for the next fourteen years because they take almost literally forever to eat.

Over the course of consolidating my hatred of these candies into a single paragraph I built a tower using all of the Candy Blox from one of the two cartons I had. This is how it turned out and this is also a fairly good barometer for just how many of these things come in a single package:

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A monument to all of my Internet sins.

Now that we’re at the literal end of this article I guess the big question is “do I recommend these candies to you”. The answer is a resounding no. If you want fruit flavored candies go buy a bag of Runts. If you want building blocks go buy a Lego set. Don’t mix the two. If for whatever reason you can’t resist the urge to buy Candy Blox I have some good news for you; you can buy three pounds of the shit for only eight dollars on Amazon.

Because the last time I paid eight bucks for three pounds of something I was deeply satisfied with the quality of the product.

– Dracophile