The 12 Worst Search Terms Used To Find TwilightFoundry.com
In the world of website building there’s this little thing called “SEO” or “Search Engine Optimization”; surely you’ve heard of this. SEO is just an elaborate charade that someone who owns a website performs so that they can maximize their exposure and rake in that mad Google AdSense cash. For the record, TwilightFoundry.com has made exactly two cents over the course of this past month. When divided up evenly between the two people who work on this project both myself and Roastmaster get a penny. I don’t really care too much about SEO because this website is just a hobby and most everyone here has a “real job” to pay the bills. However, that didn’t stop me from setting up Google Analytics so I could at least see how people are finding this place.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with Google Analytics. The tracking software gives me more information than I can be bothered to learn how to interpret so I really only pay attention to the search terms that people are using to find this website and that’s the central idea of this article; there are some people out there looking for some seriously fucked up things and for inexplicable reasons they are finding TwilightFoundry.com in their results. To spell that out a little more clearly, these are real search terms that people are entering into their browsers, seeing TwilightFoundry.com in the results, and then clicking on said result thinking they’ll get Sonic the Hedgehog porn or something.
I promise I have not made any of these up. Below are 12 examples of my favorite terms that have literally brought traffic to this website.
I don’t understand this one. I mean, I know what horses are and I know what rimming is, and in this case “anus” is kind of redundant since that is sort of implied with the whole “rimming” bit. The person who searched for this wants to lick a horse’s ass. I’m fine with that, whatever floats your boat yeah yeah, but what confuses me is the inclusion of “e621”. It’s not that I don’t know what that is, it’s a furry porn aggregator, but rather why it was included in a Google search when the person doing it could have just as easily gone to the fucking website directly and keyed in exactly what he googled for and skipped the middleman here.
No, really. Here, in the name of going above and beyond to provide for our visitors here’s a link to exactly what this lazy furry couldn’t be bothered to properly search for so the next time they decide to roll the dice on equestrian analingus they’ll have their legwork done already. Do not click these words because I assure you no good will come of it. (NSFW)
This search term has got to be a memetic attack of some sort because once I saw it crop up in TwilightFoundry.com’s search term results I had to search for it myself to find out what the hell this person was looking for. To be honest I don’t know why I searched for it; I am not fond of Miranda Cosgrove, I’m indifferent toward ice cream, and I’m not exactly sure I’m all gung-ho about getting into a story where iCarly blows Jamie Kennedy.
That was a Max Keeble’s Big Move reference, by the way.
Also, searching for this on Google does indeed bring up TwilightFoundry.com as a result. On Bing? Horse porn. That’s Sarah Jessica Parker, Bing, not Miranda Cosgrove. You’re not even close. For fuck’s sake can you do anything right?
Just because I don’t like Miranda Cosgrove doesn’t mean no one else does though. If memory serves me right I believe I can name at least one person who has an unhealthy affinity for terrible Nickelodeon actresses. I bet this was his doing.
I don’t get why so many furry sex terms bring people to this website. If you’re someone who’s looking for furry porn then you already know what it is, what it’s called, and you have got to be aware by now that there are literally dozens if not hundreds of websites devoted to cataloging and sorting this shit out into fetishes that I’m convinced do not and cannot exist outside of the furry fandom. TwilightFoundry.com is not one of those websites. There are exactly zero images of uncensored furry porn here. We’ve provided exactly as many explicit images of furries having sex as we have reasons to vote Republican, or reasons to vote at all for that matter.
Why do you people keep coming here? Why? Do I really have to break and do the same fucking things I did for you that I did for the horse butthole guy earlier in the article?
You’re welcome. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
I’m aware that there is a “Horse Lovin” Ken doll, a “club” Ken doll where he’s literally wearing a cock ring on a necklace, a Barbie doll with a fetus inside of it, and a racist black Barbie doll that says “Oreo” on it but never have I heard of a “nude fucking” Barbie that comes with a sex robot. Considering I just rattled off four extremely questionable (and real) dolls at the beginning of this paragraph I would venture a guess that “Fucking Machines Barbie” is probably a real thing and I apologize that we have not yet covered it on this website. We’ll get right on that.
This is a distressing search term not just because it brought someone to this website (GO AWAY) but because its wording implies something far more nefarious than babyfurs or adult babies or regression play or Pamperchu or whatever the fuck else this is called. I give up. I hate life. I know there are people out there who not only possess the autism required to like Sonic more than what’s socially acceptable but also have the necessary predisposition to enjoy scat porn — the unholy triumvirate. If you are this person I don’t want to know you.
The great thing about this search term is that I can guess where the visitor ended up. This search inevitably brought them to the “7 Most Retarded Collectible Coins” article where this “$20 coin” — which, for the record, is actually a 100% authentic World Trade Center silver certificate with legal tender status in fucking Liberia — was blasted for being one of the stupidest and most offensive pieces of shit released into the collector’s market. Here is a person who was either duped into buying one of these things or accepted one in lieu of payment for something else because they thought it was worth twenty bucks and when they decided to do some research on it they were directly insulted by this website for having obtained one.
Then again, when the article uses the phrasing “Most Retarded” in its title I guess if you decided to click through you kind of had it coming?
Roastmaster’s article about scary TV logos and autism is one of the most popular and most-read articles published by Twilight Foundry. For the past three months the “Autistic’s Guide To Scary TV Logos” article has received more search term traffic than any other article on the site and understandably it also has the most search terms attached to it. I’ve yet to figure out if the search terms are indicative of the CLG Wiki googling themselves or if our article is some sort of underground hit with them; surprisingly, there is no incoming traffic from the CLG Wiki website that I am aware of.
Clearly, this search brought someone to the article I originally wrote on GatorAIDS about how much of a shitty and fake production Weaponizers on the Discovery Channel was. This in and of itself isn’t an inherently bad search term but it’s here because there’s something I’ve been hiding from you all this whole time. No, it’s not some proof that Weaponizers was in fact 100% legitimate, it’s the fact that one of the “contestants” of this “show” was apparently googling himself one day and found this article when it was hosted at GatorAIDS. He left me a “nice” comment detailing how little I apparently knew about television and insisted the show was real. I didn’t make a big deal about this at the time because when the comment was posted GatorAIDS had closed… but I never forgot. Apparently he didn’t either because someone is still trying to find out if this clearly fake show was faked. (Spoiler: Yes.)
I am working on a second article as we speak that takes a second look at Weaponizers and the contestant’s snide remarks to prove once and for all yes, this show was goddamned fake.
I’m assuming this search term led the visitor to the review of that god awful “Sushi-Go-Round” game that Miniclip farted out for the Nintendo DS. I’m not going to lie, I think “Weird Sushi Goaround Fuck” is not only the best possible way to describe this game but also a much better title for it as well.
Twilight Foundry neophyte Komodo88’s work has been making the rounds lately. As of this posting he has two articles with us, one about furry shirts and another about the movie Space Jam. The Space Jam article is seeing a fair amount of attention on Tumblr and the article itself has accrued a respectable amount of views in the past month considering this is a relatively new website. The list of search terms that brings people here is kind of like the notation of pi, it’s just a random assortment of crap that makes little to no sense at all except with slightly more of a pattern behind it; much like how pi has the Feynman point (a streak of six 9’s in a row) our search terms also have a streak of their own. Since they’re all Space Jam related I’m calling it the Jordan-Barkley convergence.
This streak of search terms starts off innocuously with “space jam monstars” and then immediately turns into “space jam movie juice”. I don’t know what that is and I don’t want to know what that is, however I worry that the people who are searching for this movie and finding TwilightFoundry.com have ulterior motives because the very next search term is “space jam aliens transform” followed immediately by “space jam aliens steal talent”. Maybe you’re giving these people (or likely, this person) a generous benefit of the doubt here and they’re just looking for what are arguably the most pivotal plot points in that movie. It’s a fucking Looney Tunes movie but fine, I’ll go with this hypothetically. Allow me to obliterate any doubt you might have because the fifth and final search term is “space jam inflation scene”.
Komodo88, and I truly mean this with the utmost sincerity here, please go back to the furry fandom from whence you came and never return again.
We’re a comedy website not miracle workers here.