The 6 Most Fucked Up Chris-chan Drawings
WARNING: This article contains pornographic images. The images have been censored but the content of this article may still be considered NSFW if you are reading this in a public or open environment. You have been warned.
If you’ve wasted any amount of time reading troll blogs or snark sites like Encyclopedia Dramatica you’ve probably come across the metaphor “[x] is about as retarded/insane as Chris-chan”. If you’ve wasted enough time then you know exactly who Chris-chan is. For those of you who don’t, I’ll introduce you to him. I apologize in advance.
“Christian” Christopher “Ricardo” Weston Chandler (yes that is his full name), abbreviated by the subject as “CWC” and colloquially known as “Chris-chan” by trolls, is an unwitting Internet personality born on February 24th, 1982. He lives in Ruckersville, Virginia with his mother in a house that looks like something straight out of an episode of Hoarders 2: Hoard Harder and is an autistic and self-absorbed, delusional manchild who mooches over $800 per month off of the government in disability benefits because he refuses to make any effort whatsoever to become a functioning member of society. Because he lives with his mother in a house that’s been paid off his monthly disability check is pure income which goes straight to video games, McDonald’s, and blow-up anime sex dolls.
His “claim to fame” was an independent comic book called Sonichu, a story that originally focused on his dubiously original character of obvious shipping origin. Chris fancies himself a classy and talented artist and storyteller, which couldn’t be further from the point; his artwork looks like something a five year old would make and his storytelling ability hovers somewhere around “nonexistent”. Due to his obviously apparent mental inhibitions he’s what amounts to a kid trapped inside the body of a man which sounds like the next shitty Adam Sandler film until you realize this is real life and not a second-rate movie starring an SNL alum far past his prime. Chris-chan has adult thoughts and desires and he’s expressed them through his artwork on a number of occasions. This article explores the six most fucked up things ushered forth into the world by his hand.
Before we get in to all of this Event Horizon-esque “where we’re going we won’t need eyes to see” stuff you’re probably entertaining the thought of asking me where I get off on ripping into somebody who is clearly deficient in some measurable way. For the sake of keeping things succinct let me link you here for an entire battery of details that somewhat justifies my laughter and drive to publish this article.
“We don’t do it because he’s autistic, but rather because he’s a racist, sexist, homophobic, unsympathetic, ungrateful, jealous, kid-scaring and troll-feeding, narcissistic, spitefully antagonistic thief, and an all-around failure who wastes the hard-earned tax money of average Americans on video games and sex toys while contributing nothing to society despite his basic abilities. Furthermore, he’s someone who realizes he has a problem and that he does doesn’t work but refuses to get help, even ignoring the help of well-meaning individuals.”
– The Internet, on Chris-chan
The above picture, which looks like it was taken in haste and almost accidentally by a hip douchebag showing off his new iPhone, was the first picture the Internet at large ever saw of the now infamous Chris-chan. In it we see Chris, 25, playing Pokemon cards with someone whom we can only assume is probably about 14 years old. This picture was taken at a store called “The Game Place”, a hobby store which Chris is now banned from for being a racist piece of shit toward a young black kid and for subsequently attempting to run over the store’s owner with his junker of a car after being kicked out (for calling him a Jew, seriously).
(As of this article Chris and his mother were arrested on felony charges involving the assault of a police officer on the premises of the store after CWC violated his restraining order.)
This picture was posted to Something Awful‘s forums on October 26th, 2007. A week later a goon from SA created a page about Chris on Encyclopedia Dramatica. The very next day 4chan hosted a “Sonichu fan art” thread and some samples were sent to Chris by trolls. Appalled at the grotesque depictions of his female character “Rosechu” being drawn with a dick his first response wasn’t politely asking them to stop, but to demand the artist instead draw Rosechu “masturbating and squirting“.
The first response the trolls ever get from provoking this then-unknown lolcow is a demand for them to draw his characters jerking off properly. Chris then proceeds to refer to “dicks” as “pickles” and threatens to beat up recreations of the fan artists in Soul Calibur if they continue to draw perverted Rule 34 of his creations.
Some of you might be wondering what that yellow thing hanging around Chris’ neck might be; you know, the one that suspiciously looks kind of like a Pikachu but not. That’s a medallion depicting the aforementioned “Sonichu“, Chris’ completely original Mary Sue character which he vicariously lives through in the eponymous Sonichu comic. The medallion was a mainstay of Chris’ wardrobe, he demanded he be allowed to wear it to his high school graduation. The character was first created on a whim during a class assignment where Chris was told to come up with a CD cover; there was a stipulation that existing copyrighted likenesses could not be used, the teacher stressed creativity for the project. This didn’t sit well with Chris so rather than expend any energy coming up with something original he instead combined Pikachu and Sonic the Hedgehog and said “to hell with it” and a legend was born.
From that point on Chris realized he could turn this bastardized mixture of copyright infringement and fail into a comic and promptly did so. The ensuing “creative inspiration” fueled the creation of the following six pieces of “art”…
Chris has bizarrely terrible luck with women.
Okay… maybe it’s not “bizarrely terrible”; even the most desperate of women would avoid an obese guy in a clown shirt and Sonichu medallion that smells of McDonald’s and Axe body spray. I mention this bad luck, though, as a vehicle for our first picture. Chris has pretty terrible luck overall but he kind of brought it upon himself with the way in which he acts and the manner in which his parents treated him when he became fussy leading to an entitlement complex on par with a three year old. His mannerisms led to someone at The Game Place sneaking that picture and posting it to Something Awful which in turn led to said people fabricating an entire Encyclopedia Dramatica article about him.
Chris was pissed off; he wanted that page taken down and he was about to file a ‘spergin lolsuit over it. He attempted to vandalize his page by adding a bunch of ridiculously specific information about his personal life to the pages as well as clogging it full of drawings and uploads. He was angry at the number of “pickles” shown all over the site and decided it needed a heaping helping of vagina (or “china” as CWC calls it); his resolution to this problem was to draw some china, which is totally fine. The bad news is that he decided to draw himself fingerblasting his only IRL girl friend (note the space in that word) to satiate this need.
Neither I nor “the trolls” put that ridiculous Japanese-style censor bar above the eyes of the “mystery girl”; Chris put it there. He almost immediately (and gleefully) admitted the girl depicted is that of Megan Schroeder, someone Chris had met at a social gathering, and proof that Chris has a grip on censorship on par with how well he understands the shape of a woman’s head. Megan is a girl whom he was friends with because the two shared the common interests of Pokemon, Sonic the Hedgehog, and My Little Pony (making Chris the original brony; think about that next time you decide to whip out your zeta toy and watch Friendship Is Magic).
They were not dating; though, but Chris certainly wanted to date her. He had this whole grand idea to win a Pa-Rappa the Rapper contest and take her to the E3 gaming expo where they’d share a hotel room and he’d presumably get to reenact his artwork for real if it weren’t for the teensy-tiny detail that he made it a habit to be as unsettling as fucking possible around Megan and everybody else in his life.
“I don’t feel comfortable around you anymore.”
-Megan Schroeder, on not wanting to be raped
Chris has bizarrely terrible luck with women…
Deja vu aside despite his self-appointed status as a “virgin with rage” Chris really likes to make it clear just how much he likes women. Chris also plays a lot of Guitar Hero and designed his entire band around that of 4 Non Blondes… except for the fact Chris isn’t a woman and the bassist in his band is, in fact, a blonde. What I’m trying to say here is his band is basically a harem of three women and no matter what stage his virtual band performs on every single performance is about as smarmy and sexist as a Robert Palmer music video.
There’s a reason behind his obsession with women, though. As you just read, the justification behind Chris drawing a picture of himself fingering one of his only friends and coloring it with Crayola markers was because he was accused of being gay and Chris fucking hates gay people. He hates gay people so much that when he created the “anti-Chris” villain in his Sonichu comic he made the character the complete opposite of himself meaning the villain is flamboyantly gay. When drawing ShecameforCWC.jpg just didn’t cut it in asserting his straight-ness Chris-chan upped the ante by drawing himself banging every member of his fictional Guitar Hero band… at the same time.
Believe it or not this picture is at least less creepy than the ordeal surrounding ShecameforCWC.jpg because Chris isn’t screwing or fingering anybody he knows in the real world, he’s just getting his freak on with his imaginary band (which for the record is actually called Christian & The Hedgehog Boys, though they aren’t depicted here). The fucked up thing about this drawing however, aside from the ever-present atrocious anatomy and its rampant and palpable narcissism, is just how poorly Chris chose to carry himself while showing off his masterpiece on YouTube. Thankfully he had the common courtesy to censor his artwork just as we did here on GatorAIDS (however Chris opted to censor the male nipples too because, you know, NO HOMOS) but that didn’t serve to hide much because we all know how good CWC is at censoring things. He also felt the need to tell us the girl in the middle is “half and half”, a slightly more racist way of saying she’s mulatto.
Chris has this weird delusion that this drawing of him in an unlikely but hetero sexual situation is somehow proof that this exact scene happened. Chris, my man, let me tell you the word on the street: drawing something does not make it canon in the real world. If that were true, then I’ve fucked more dragons than… well, someone famous who would be known for their promiscuity with large medieval reptiles. CWC doesn’t get this, he thinks that because he drew it it actually happened; his attention to detail, if you can believe it’s there, is what he believes adds to the realism. To elaborate on the “detail”: in the picture Chris represents his heterochromia, which is just a $5 way of saying “he has eyes that are each a different color”.
It’s actually the only “hetero” thing about him.
“If I was a s-homosexual or anything like that, would I not would I be having sex… with THREE WOMEN? Huh? Huh?!”
– Chris-chan, on overcompensation
Chris really does have bizarrely terrible luck with, uh, women.
Here’s a thought exercise: if you saw an attractive girl how would you go about asking her out? Hypothetically the best way to break the ice is to just make small talk and say hello; feel her out a bit (VERBALLY, mind you) and get to know her. Humans are social animals and most people aren’t turned off at the idea of idly chatting and being friendly. It’s not hard to meet people but sometimes you might not be the “go getter” type so how do you get potential mates to come to you? Well, you can dress nice… you can sit by yourself in a library at a larger table for two or more and appear attentive and receptive to people… or you can just do both at the same time in a bar. It’s really not hard.
Here’s another idea, though. You could go to Wal-Mart and buy a neon pink posterboard for 33 cents, take it home, tape a bunch of printer paper onto it, and write a bunch of bizarre stipulations for the kind of girl you’re looking for while simultaneously blasting homosexual men or other guys who already have girlfriends. You could then take this sign and walk around holding it like a sign spinner for a local restaurant except instead of advertising a hip new place to eat lunch you’re soliciting girls to pay attention to your dick and manboobs. If you did all of this correctly then this hypothetical sign should look something like…
That’s the “Attraction Sign“, Chris’ brilliant plan to attract a “boyfriend-free girl”. It’s about as ridiculous as it sounds/looks and on top of that I recognize the Burger King Pokemon poster hanging under it and somehow feel dead inside for seeing one of my favorite posters paired up with such a pathetic excuse to get laid. You could walk around with that Pokemon poster and have a better chance at getting a girlfriend than you would with the sign whose sole purpose actually happens to be that. Believe it or not this sign actually is a “pussy magnet” but it simply has the same effect on women as pointing two identical magnetic poles at each other (and is twice as likely to get your creeper ass arrested).
Chris used this and other incarnations of the sign at the community college he attended much to the disdain of the school’s dean who, on a number of occasions, politely told Chris to cut his shit and stop being so goddamn creepy. This of course didn’t sit well with CWC who felt threatened by the confrontations so he did was any rational guy would do: he increased his tenacity with the sign by leaving little notecards all over the place with links to his shitty Pokemon/dating website and Facebook profile and gave most everyone of authority the “silent treatment”. He was suspended from school not long thereafter.
Chris is almost 30 as of this writing and the example picture above introduces him as being 21, so surely after almost a decade Chris would have learned his lesson and retired the sign, right?
Nope. He presently writes messages on his fatty bra like it’s some kind of disgusting deviation of the Doodle Bear.
21 and Single White Male… -Shy -Smart -Young at Heart -Computer skilled -Humorous -A great thinker and go-getter -“Natural salesperson” -Enjoys good parts of life -Diplomatic -Friendly -Loves his family -Peaceful -Very creative
– Chris-chan, on being a walking contradiction
No, seriously. Chris has bizarrely terrible luck. With women.
Remember the community college I mentioned in the Attraction Sign entry? And the dean who became so completely tired of Chris-chan’s bullshit that she destroyed his sign and kicked him out of school? That person was Mary Lee Walsh, a completely level-headed and reasonable woman who did nothing more than her job in managing her department at the college. Chris is a creeper and while he was busy creeping it up at PVCC it was Walsh’s responsibility to see to it that this nonsense came to an end. Chris was most certainly in violation of more than likely a dozen campus policies with his awkward and borderline predatory solicitations but that didn’t stop him from further developing his victimization complex and painting Mary Lee Walsh out to be an evil witch.
Chris even turned Walsh into a character in his Sonichu comic by pairing her with Count Graduon (literally an embodiment of Chris’ depression after graduating from high school) effectively making her the main villain of the entire series. Yes, you read that correctly. Chris was so crushed and upset with the amount of butthurt generated from his college dean telling him he was breaking rules and had to stop his “Love Quest” nonsense that he made her the main bad guy of his shitty comic.
And then he made this:
I’ve been upset with people in my time but I’ve never been so angry that I decided to draw porn of someone I hated with every ounce of my being. Look at it this way, this woman — in Chris’ mind — is who he blames for why he is still single and lonesome. Mary Lee Walsh is the final boss of Sonichu, she possesses the magic staff that contains the pure unrefined evil of Count Graduon; she’s like the cervical cap sitting in front of Gigyas’
vagina Devil’s Machine in fucking Earthbound. Sure, Chris beats the hell out of her in the comic (he punches her square in the jaw) but what else does Chris do when the world isn’t looking? Does he beat off to her? Is he a masochist? Does he like being punished?
Dear god, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit with that last string of questions.
The Rule 34 of Walsh is taken from a “special edition” collection of CWC’s art he affectionately calls “Sonichu & Rosechu’s Luv Shack“. It’s about as disgusting and depraved as it sounds and yes the name is a direct reference to the South Park game Chef’s Luv Shack because originality isn’t one of Chris’ strong points. Thinking that some good old fashioned pornography is just the added flair that his self-proclaimed children’s comic series needed Chris set out to create smut of most of the main characters of his comic and promptly traced a bunch of other existing, and better, artwork of Amy Rose and other characters to stuff his magazine in a half-assed manner. Included in the “luv shack” are re-releases of CWCRockin4way.jpg and the Platinum-selling ShecameforCWC.jpg because when it comes to Chris fuck subtlety.
“I personally went over and handed [Mary] a Framed Hand-Drawn Apology of my angst against her, SHE SENT ME A TRESPASSING NOTICE!”
– Chris-chan, on demonstrating total cluelessness
Chris’s luck with women hovers somewhere around “bizarrely terrible”.
Ever wondered how Sonichu and Rosechu get it on? No? What the hell is the matter with yo- I mean, well that’s just perfectly reasonable. Sonichu was a comic that Chris himself said was intended for children so the only reason I can think of for why “Episode 17” of his comic series features explicit pornography (rated TV-MA because, you know, you can watch a comic book I guess) is that Chris sincerely hoped he could be the one to usher adolescent kids into adulthood in the most confusing and existentially offensive manner possible.
Fat chance. Disregard that; he’s just an incredibly malleable Internet personality who expresses his hatred toward Internet trolls by issuing his responses to trolling as oddly specific hand-drawn comics that fail to deliver their intended messages. Chris draws porn for this issue, and has his female characters engage in a pornographic photo shoot, because they are standing up for women’s rights.
Good lord. I can’t deal with this anymore. Chris’ grip on reality is so poor that there are under-privileged children living in the projects with aspirations to not get shot in drive-by’s that have better grips on reality than this jerk off. Screw it; here’s some censored pages torn from Chris-chan’s biology textbook on Mary Sue characters.
Click here if you want to see Chris’ interpretation of how a male with sheathed anatomy gets an erection (don’t) or here if you want to find out why female Sonichus can only nurse their young when horny (more “don’t” than the male link).
Perhaps if these public service announcements weren’t preceded by 12 pages of poorly drawn hardcore pornography of self-insert OC’s (and I say “original character” as loosely as CWC draws vaginas) the instructional how-to’s regarding the horizontal Sonichu mambo would be unpleasant and unnerving at best. After all, what
encyclopedia comic book doesn’t come with a “Reproduction” passage for each species of animal provided? I’m pretty sure the new Godzilla: Kingdom of Monsters comic series had a 7-page thesis in its first issue on how a large radioactive reptile would go about copulating with a female of its species in the unlikely event that there was a Ms. Godzilla running around somewhere else.
Seriously, if you don’t place much value on your sanity give these ref sheets a reading. Right off the bat Chris lets us know two acceptable textbook terms for the male genitalia and subsequently proceeds to call it a “dick” for the rest of the entry. Not only that, apparently these creatures can only pee when they have an erection. Does Chris not realize pissing with an erection is almost a physical impossibility? And Sonichus have a bone covering their testicles so they cannot be kicked in the balls? This is to prevent damage to the sperm? I’m guessing Chris slept through the science class where everyone else learned sperm die in normal body temperature and that testicles “hang” to keep them cooler than the rest of the body. Chris is so illiterate when it comes to the sciences that any textbook he picks up immediately and permanently translates to the language of Asperger’s.
“…the nipples on [Rosechu’s] sensitive breasts rise for sensual massage, or can be sucked on, like a teat on a Miltank, by her newborn children.”
– Chris-chan, on ruining Pokemon forever
Okay, let’s bring this back down to basics. Chris has bizarrely terrible luck with women.
There’s nothing I can really say to build this next one up. It is colloquially known among trolls as the “Giant Penis Comic“; that alone is enough to make you skip down to the provided pictures. You’re probably not even reading this right now, especially because this is #6 in the list and according to WordPress you’ve already put up with about 4,000 words’ worth of utter nonsense. I could be explaining the context of this comic and you wouldn’t even realize it. I could be explaining right now that this comic is a fictional account of CWC’s wedding with Ivy (a troll, of course) and documents their honeymoon and all the abysmal awkward autistic sex that takes place therein… but you aren’t even listening .
So screw it here’s the best page from the Giant Penis Comic, and also where the production takes its name from:
You might be thinking to yourself “haha, Dracophile… you just put down a bunch of stickers to imply that he drew himself with a grossly disproportionate cock”. To this I reply “haha, I actually put down just enough stickers because Chris literally drew himself with a grossly disproportionate cock”.
No, Chris didn’t draw himself with a huge wang because he’s trying to impress anyone; he drew it that way because the cock isn’t drawn at all. It’s traced. I bet you’re just now noticing the weird bend in the stickers and are hating yourself for wondering about it. If you pay even closer attention there’s an “action line” under his dick that doesn’t quite belong with the others; that’s because it’s believed he was also about to trace his balls, but instead of giving himself gonads of equine proportions he drew some ‘roid testes that are censored with that single Pikachu graphic.
Fun Fact: A standard sheet of printer paper, which this comic is drawn on, is 8.5 inches wide. Using Chris’ trace job as a baseline, we can conclude his pickle is about three inches long. Enjoy that mental image.
The above scan is just one page in the comic. The others are equally as gut-wrenching and are provided on the CWCiki page linked at the beginning of the entry. Like I said earlier, the comic actually tells the story of Chris’ fictional honeymoon with then-girlfriend “Ivy”. It begins with Chris kicking in the door to a suite adorned with at least five Glade plug-in air fresheners because as we all know the mist dispensed by these devices is the #1 cause of wet panties. Also, I know the specifics of these objects because CWC circled one of them and wrote “GLADE’S PLUG-IN AIR FRESHENERS” above it.
Looking at the art we can see Chris-chan went through great lengths to make the scene as romantic as possible. There’s a fancy bed, nice paintings on the wall, the aforementioned 120V Glade vaginal lubricant factories, matching curtains and carpet, and rose petals in the shape of a heart. For someone who cuts corners wherever possible this is really going the distance. The situation is so full of romance that, once they start having sex, Chris and Ivy turn into rip-offs of Sonic and Sally Acorn.
“I can imagine myself doing it with a collie at least. you know, like Lassie.”
– Chris-chan, on sex