20 MORE of the Best Tweets from @Horse_ebooks

[Editor’s Note: Just prior to the publication of this article Dracophile took an extended break from GatorAIDS following the loss of a friend. Roastmaster stepped in and managed the website for several weeks during this time and posted this article to “break the ice”. He references an article written by Dracophile that has been removed from the archives as per his request.]

I can see from the WordPress administrator panel that Dracophile has at least four recent drafts.┬áNone of them have edited since the morning of October 13th, a day where the website was closed and when it re-opened an “in memoriam” article had been posted. I don’t know how to properly console people and even though I offered to lighten up said┬ámemorial article the question is still asked, “Is it okay for us to laugh again?” I can’t tell you when Dracophile will be back to finish any of his drafts. Last I heard from him he was having sleep issues and still trying to collect himself from the news but I can answer the question on everybody’s minds:

Yes, it is okay to laugh again.

At the end of last month I penned an article that took a look at 20 of the most insane things to ever come from the mouth of @Horse_ebooks, a Twitter robot that padded its spam links with the most bizarre and nonsensical crap anybody has ever heard so their equine ebook pyramid scheme wouldn’t get picked up on Twitter’s radar. Reading @Horse_ebooks’ tweets is like reading spam email subject lines that were translated from English to Japanese and back and written by a retarded kid. I presented you with 20 of the weirdest that I could find, you asked for more, so here’s another serving of crazy.

 

What kind of threat is this? A wife scolding her redneck husband for getting drunk and blowing their pension on shit from these people?

 

Fact: According to a national survey conducted by Hot Topic, this phrase is carved into the arms of approximately 92% of all “emo” kids.

 

Holy shit Horsey are you about to go all Predator on my ass?

 

Actually, unless we’re discussing a photograph that features penises plural your junk will always be the “focal point” no matter what the subject is supposed to be.

 

Whoa whoa whoa, you’re going to have to slow the fuck right down, buddy. Are we talking about real estate or working at Wendy’s here? What wife, when did I get married? How do you shop for “furniture trouble”? Are we going to IKEA?

 

Just what the fuck kind of books are you selling, exactly?

 

I don’t know how I feel about that, does it give me discounts when I buy glue from Wal-Mart? Do I get free access to have sex with whatever characters from My Little Pony that I want? Did I just say that last one out loud?

 

Yes. Yes. Yes. No.

 

Translation: “Get money, fuck bitches.”

 

Additionally, many people think the most popular way of taking a dump is through the butthole.

 

Why thank you, Horsey. I fancy myself a high-brow comedian and I’m enthralled that I’ve tickled your fancy with my humor.

 

D:

I think we’re done with bowel functions now, Horsey.

 

Good lord you have some terribly violent tendencies, my friend. Have you considered anger management classes?

 

I’m betting money this “secret tactic” has an Asian name and has been passed down from generations of karate masters. Either that or the “secret tactic” is just “buy a gun”.

 

That’s probably because this isn’t 1998 and going overboard with e-[noun] has been passe for over a fucking decade. Also, I’m pretty sure Yahooligans isn’t the best place to register for your wedding; any site that contains a directory of “Ate My Balls” jokes generally isn’t.

 

Ha ha ha, I get it. Dracophile makes a bunch of jokes about Mr. Hands and now this is the “in” thing to do again. Right.

 

For the love of God please do not tell me the last word of this sentence is “birth”. I’ve seen one too many threads on 4chan about this kind of shit to know it does not end well at all.

 

In the middle of this insanity I appreciate the fact that Horsey would want to sit us down for a nice conversational pow-wow about dated toys from the 1950’s…

 

…as well as defunct occupations from fucking medieval times. Who the hell still makes candles, sixty year old women whose only remaining commitment in life is to watch Jeopardy re-runs?

 

Uh huh. One thing I don’t think you understand about us humans, Horsey, is that unlike you we don’t actually use horseshoes for money. You can have all the horseshoes you want, there’s hundreds of country antique stores in the American south that can’t even give those rusty pieces of shit away.

 

I feel like taking advantage of @Horse_ebooks is too easy, but I mean, this is what insanity looks like and very rarely do you ever get to see that take place in real time (unless you’re a fan of local public access programming in which case you’re likely an equally as socially retarded shut in that hasn’t seen the sun since the Clinton administration). Honestly, though, in the time it took me to put together these two articles our friend Horsey here has rapidly spiraled into an even more depraved level of un-thought.

Let’s just not make this a mainstay here at GatorAIDS, okay? I’d rather write about things other than Twitter.

– Roastmaster