Team Impact: 2% Parlor Tricks, 98% Church Sermon

I don’t talk about family much in my articles on GatorAIDS mostly because they aren’t funny (my family, not my articles you asshole). They’re mundane people who don’t really do much of anything of importance and are noticeably quieter than I am. For example, while growing up any time you opened my bedroom door you’d be blasted with the theme song to Crossfire. This was the only door in the house that was sound-activated. Similarly, the place I live now is just as loud and has led to at least five prior evictions. Like any good son I am still in contact with my family and I still visit and see them and we go do family things even though everywhere I walk I’m followed by 80’s hair bands and my actions are normally accompanied by hot guitar licks and people stop and ask me for my autograph constantly because I am INTERNET FAMOUS.

A team of motivational speakers once paid a visit to my brother’s school and spoke to him and his classmates about how bullying is bad and that you should treat others with respect and all that which is perfectly fine. Then they proceeded to break a bunch of shit that they had brought with them because they’re also a performance group. Weird, but again totally fine. Afterward they handed each kid a card that doubled as a ticket to a show they were performing in town.

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EXTREME BRACES.

My brother was just visited by Team Impact and was given a pass to their show. Nobody in my family, except for me, knew what was about to happen.

For those who aren’t in the know, and trust me don’t feel bad because there are a lot of you, Team Impact is a religious group that performs “feats of strength” in the name of Our Lord. Or Their Lord, I guess. I’m atheist so all I see is a bunch of priests with ‘roid rage smashing shit in a church. I may not have a religion but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect the beliefs of others, unless they are Christian Furries, so if Team Impact wants to punch holes through wood while reading the Bible they can do whatever the fuck they want. I’ll still look at them like they’re retarded though, not because of the fact that they’re religious but because this is how they practice their craft.

You might be wondering how the fuck these jokers were allowed into a school, a public state-owned facility, when there’s a little clause about “separation of church and state” in the US Constitution. That’s where that little card comes into play; when Team Impact visited the school they broke some baseball bats and deepthroated silicone dolphin cocks stuffed with bricks and told the kids to treat others with respect but they never once mentioned anything about Jesus during the entire assembly. Technically they were just there as performance artists and motivational speakers. The show they were putting on, and inviting the kids to, is where they’d have full reign to preach until they were out of breath and wooden boards to break.

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They even know the art of “planking”.

Nobody was any wiser to their predatory loophole tactics and honestly that’s what pissed me off about these dickwads. They weren’t holding their show somewhere obvious like the First Church of Sammy Sosa or another locale that would have instantly raised suspicions. No, they were performing at a local convention center where everything from monster truck rallies to anime conventions are held every year. A show where people do nothing but break shit seemed like it would fit right in there with Grave Digger and teenage virgins dressing up as Inuyasha characters.

You don’t even know you’re seeing a religious sermon until about half way through the show when the hos-I mean, when the preacher mentions that we should all pray so that Muscles McPecs can fit the entire golf club up his ass. You’re too busy laughing and cheering these jokers on that you almost skip right over the “wait what the fuck did this guy just say” thought. I knew from the moment my brother said “Team Impact” that these guys were a religious group mostly because I waste all of my free time trolling people so I played along like I didn’t know who these people were just because I wanted to see firsthand just how ridiculous they really are. Here’s a YouTube video that demonstrates what I mean:

All these guys do are just a bunch of shitty parlor tricks spaced out with lots of padding and religious quips. That video shows the same “breaking a row of bricks” trick at least four dozen times. Save for things like picking up admittedly heavy objects/people everything they do takes virtually no strength at all if you know the secret to doing it properly so guess what I’m about to do? Yeah, I’m going to tell you exactly how Team Impact does their shows so now the only thing they can be known for is parlor tricks and sermons. Much like the real “miracles” of the Bible if you know the tricks to them you can see there’s nothing but smoke and mirrors in front of you. I’m like James Fucking Randi… except minus the gay thing.

WARNING: As per safety standards and all of that bullshit I am supposed to tell you not to try these tricks at home because they can be dangerous if done improperly. However, since Team Fucking Impact is capable of doing these things and not fucking them up (most of the time), I’m pretty sure you can probably do it too.

 

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Breaking a stack of boards is like an act of rites in the world of martial arts, something you have to do if you want to get that white belt and be knee-deep in pussy, but honestly it’s not that hard if you know the gimmick to doing it. Wood has grains in it and the direction of these grains, the density of the wood, and how dry the wood is all factor in to how easy it is to break it. White pine is used in martial arts because it’s basically the easiest kind of wood to break due to its mostly straight grains and dryness. When you break wood you break it with the grain, not against it; this is why a fucking seven year old can do this.

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NEVER LET THE QUEERS MARRY.

You might be wondering how bricks come into play here then since it’s just a solid piece of stone (or so you think). Is there a secret to breaking a brick, too? Uh, yes. There is. A brick, like wood, will break at its weakest point. Look at the bricks Team Impact is using, they’re the decorative types people buy to put in their gardens when they retire but haven’t yet resorted to eating canned cat food. Not only are some of those bricks not breaking but for the ones that are look at where they’re all failing: right between the circular humps. This isn’t so much a feat of strength as it is taking advantage of the structural weaknesses of garden decorations. Also the concrete mixture used to make these bricks is airier and lighter than most bricks because these are generally purchased in larger quantities from home improvement stores and are used as decor-fucking-aitions and aren’t meant for building or walking on.

What about ice? Team Impact fucking loves to break ice, too. Breaking ice is even simpler: they freeze water in molds that have irregular patterns and holes in them. Where does this ice break when they hit it? On the fucking holes. There’s so many holes in each slab of ice that all you have to do is fart on them and they’ll turn into snow cones.

Stacking breakable objects is negligible. Once you break the top piece the rest come with it as you follow through. Team Impact puts dowel rods and pencils between each piece of wood to make breaking them that much easier.

 

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Back in the 1940’s and 50’s hot water bags were a popular form of relief for back pain and the like but when the electric blanket was invented most people stopped using them in lieu of the convenience of electrical appliances and today hot water bags are mostly used by people with pregnancy and enema fetishes. Oh, and Team Impact likes to blow them up like balloons until they burst.

Also, they look like giant nutsacks when inflated.

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I bet you weren’t expecting it to be THAT blatant, were you?

Haha, you probably thought I was fucking with you. No really, that’s a goddamn scrotum. Here’s a picture from another angle of a member of Team Impact drinking the cum straight out of a freshly severed pair of horse gonads. For all the gay hating and homophobia associated with the church at large here’s a picture that if properly taken out of context, say with an image macro or something, can set Team Impact’s reputation down to that of the Westboro Baptist Church in terms of how seriously people take their message.

So how do you blow up a hot water bag like a balloon?

Like a fucking balloon you idiot. There is no skill to this whatsoever it just looks impressive because the bag reaches a large size before it pops; blowing it up is a matter of holding it in such a way where you can pinch off the top of it to prevent air from escaping while you take another breath and exhale it into the rubber bag. Repeat until deafening boom.

 

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Beginning largely in the 1980’s ripping a phone book in half is something you’d normally see a WWF wrestler or “World’s Strongest Man” do and you’d be in awe because a San Francisco or New York telephone directory is as thick as a Bible except with slightly more worth even in today’s age. Unlike Team Impact the things people with the title “World’s Strongest Man” do actually involve an incredible amount of strength but ripping a phone book is just a trick anyone can do to appear tough. The secret to destroying a phone book in mere seconds spread like wildfire on YouTube and in an episode of Mythbusters Adam Savage takes a moment to demonstrate exactly how to do it and overall Adam looks like a pretty scrawny and average guy. You don’t need muscles to do this.

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“Fuck phone books.” – Adam Savage

I don’t need to harp on this one much, do I? This was an Internet fad, get with the times.

 

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When Team Impact needs to fill the clock while their stage crew preps for another sleight of hand many of the team members will toss one another a can of soda and squeeze it with their bare hands until it bursts turning their preaching sermon into what amounts to a Gallagher concert except somehow even more depressing.

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Haha his inflatable nutsack burs- no wait that’s just Sprite.

There’s some science to this trick but for the most part you can probably guess how to do it. The soda of choice used by Team Impact is diet 7up and/or diet Sprite, and yes both “diet” and “7up/Sprite” make a difference, here’s why. Citrus sodas such as Sprite and 7up are fizzier than other soft drinks sold in stores, this is a fact popular among elementary school science fairs. In addition to that diet sodas have artificial sweeteners in them and because of this are simply more prone to releasing carbonated gasses faster than their non-diet counterparts. What does this add up to? When you shake a diet 7up pressure builds up inside of the can much faster than it would if you were shaking a can of regular Coke. The cans, however, are of the same size and make which means from a common sense standpoint the can of diet 7up would be more prone to failure.

(If you look closely in the photo above you can see a white can of Sprite, that’s diet Sprite, amid the sea of horse semen.)

 

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You don’t have to go to a Team Impact show to see a trick involving a bed of nails. The “bed of nails” gag is something that’s been a part of sideshow circus acts for decades and is a routine trick performed in middle eastern countries. The idea here is that if one nail is dangerous enough to pierce your skin then an entire bed of nails is just stupidly dangerous and if you lay on it and survive long enough to drink a glass of water you’ll leak out of a thousand tiny holes like Bugs Bunny. This isn’t the case. The more nails you add to a bed of nails the less dangerous it becomes, if you can believe that.

The science behind this phenomenon is simple: if you were to step on one nail that’s the full force of your body going down on a single sharp point but with hundreds of nails all in close proximity, and with you laying on your back to maximize the surface area, your weight is distributed across multiple nails and you’re able to safely lay on the bed without so much as a scratch. This example of distribution of weight and surface area makes for a popular high school physics gag, you may have seen it before:

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This is how Trojan tests their condoms.

The nails won’t even pop a fucking balloon, of course you can lay on the bed of nails. The most dangerous part of the bed of nails trick is getting off of the bed and Team Impact just fucking skips it altogether because they wouldn’t know how to do a real trick if they read it on a humor website with “AIDS” in its title. Anytime they perform the nail trick they always place a smaller bed of nails on top of someone’s chest who’s already laying on their back safely on the floor while someone else lays on top of the underside of the bed of nails (what was that about homophobia?). When it comes to the nails it doesn’t matter if you’re on your chest or back, the principle still applies either way; Team Impact simply dumbs it down to its lowest denominator and tests the “sharpness” of the nails by throwing extra cans of diet Sprite at it.

I’m fucking serious.

 

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Rebar is a form of reinforcement steel used in the construction of buildings. It’s the rusting metal you see protruding out of concrete blocks that are all broken up. It comes in a variety of thicknesses and sizes which are invariably more or less resistant to pressures and bending depending on their makeup and diameter. Team Impact likes to bend them “with their teeth” to show off how tough they are.

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This giant paperclip is FUCKING DELICIOUS.

This is one of their “big acts” and honestly out of everything they do this has got to be the most fake of them all. They don’t even bend it with their teeth like they say, the towel is there to simply obscure your view so they can claim that’s what they’re doing. When they bend rebar “with their teeth” they first bend it slightly by hand so there’s a weak point in the metal where a bend has already been started. From here, when they put it into their mouths they simply keep it in place by biting on nothing but the towel (if even that) and bending the rest of the bar by hand. Mind you, rebar isn’t very tough to bend if you get the cheapest shit you can find and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case here since they’ve already proven it to be true in other tricks and are about to prove it again with their final two tricks:

 

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When you see a baseball bat you don’t immediately think of it breaking, it’s a solid piece of wood and it has to be pretty sturdy to hold up to repeated punishments of being slammed against things coming into contact with it at almost 100MPH when the bat itself is swung with enough force to break your goddamn skull. Then again maybe the first thought that pops into your head is the fabled super Grand Slam where a player hits a ball so hard that the wooden bat shatters into pieces and flies into the audience and kills someone. If you’re not immediately thinking of a wooden bat and you spent your childhood playing with aluminum bats (or you were mugged and beaten up with such an object) you might be wondering how the hell this is possible because that bat probably hurt like a sonofabitch.

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Wow great placement of that non-phallic bat there, chump.

Wooden bats are made out of wood (surprise surprise) thus they are subject to all of the structural weaknesses of wooden boards. When Team Impact breaks a bat it breaks in one of two ways: it breaks long the grain of the bat or it breaks at the weakest point (where the handle widens into the bat itself). I’ve explained the science behind wood, here’s a little more about metal bats. Wood naturally absorbs blows and impacts because of the properties of the material, metal does not. To ensure players don’t receive the full force of striking the ball being transferred from the bat directly into their wrists there are a number of features added to metal bats to make them safer to use.

For one, here’s a page full of a bunch of science regarding flexible metal bats. Another simpler option is the placement of a rubber “ring” separating the handle and the bat to absorb and lessen the force being transferred into the player’s hands. Both the flexing point and the rubber ring are the “weak points” of a metal bat and whenever Reverend Brick Puncher snaps one in half it’s less of an impressive feat of strength and more or less simply abusing the structural weakness of the bat itself much like the trick involving bricks and ice.

 

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Finally, we come to Team Impact’s last favorite parlor trick: rolling up a frying pan. Surely something as solid as a frying pan couldn’t be as weak as a baseball bat or a can of diet soda, right? I mean, if you’re like me you have a pan in your kitchen that you cook everything in and for years it hasn’t so much as developed a scratch anywhere on its surface. There’s no way say, for example, a big buff white guy could destroy one with his bare hands, is there?

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FUCK BREAKFAST.

Wrong you are. There’s actually a pretty easy way to decommission a frying pan and it involves buying the cheapest most low-end pan you can find because at first glance a frying pan is a frying pan. If you handed an expensive pan and a cheap pan to someone they probably couldn’t tell them apart because they’re basically identical to one another however its what’s on the inside that matters. Cheaper pans are made of shitty alloys that can hold their shape but they heat unevenly and basically suck at everything they do; just try cooking with one sometime, you will fucking hate it.

These cheap alloys are all it takes for a pan to make a metal “clang” when you tap it on the table but also be completely weak and fragile if you apply enough force. It’s all in the thumbs; getting the proper grip on the pan is key to crushing it, and crushing it easily. It’s all about leverage and keeping the handle parallel with the ground since the pan handle usually has rivets of some sort fastening it to the pan which won’t bend. With enough patience you’ll be well on your way to having one metal burrito that the geniuses at eHow are kind enough to point out isn’t suitable for cooking with if you unroll it.

 

And there you have it. 8 “feats of strength” by Team Impact that are nothing more than petty party tricks. If you were to learn the ropes of these easy tricks and line them up one by one it would take you at most about 15 minutes to go through all of them. Unsurprisingly this is exactly how long it takes Team Impact to do the same if you were to cut out all of the fluffing and padding they do in their shows. Hilariously enough each and every time one of the team members attempt something “hard”, like breaking a bat, the announcer is quick to mention that they “don’t attempt this trick very often” to get the crowd going. There’s hardly any concentration required to break a fucking bat, you just do it, but therein lies the fact that this is about 15 seconds’ worth of entertainment so to stretch it out into a five fucking minute ordeal they do nothing but fake strain under the “strength” of a goddamn three foot long bat no thicker than an inch at its smallest point and make it look like they’re developing a fucking hernia over it until with a sudden “crack” the bat snaps in two.

Then they calm you down and drone about Christ for a while.

All in all, the most hilarious part of the show is seeing just how many people get pissed off at how predatory these dickheads are and walk out during the show once they find out it’s nothing more than a traveling church. There’s a certain hilarious assholishness present in the room when the preacher is begging people not to leave and people continue to walk out of the show with a “fuck you, you lied to us you faggot” expression on their face. I stayed for the whole show relishing in how shocked, awkward, and distressed the rest of my family looked having been duped into the sermon and laughed the entire way home.

But seriously, fuck you Team Impact. That’s pretty goddamn low to try and brainwash kids by breaking bats at their school and duping them into seeing a sermon.

– Roastmaster