The 7 Most Retarded “Collectible” Coins Ever

The title of this article is pretty crappy and unintentionally vague. “Collectible coins” can reference a lot of things such as video game items, how you can seduce a dragon, or worthless little metallic circles usually bearing national tragedies (both domestic and presidential). Collecting coins is a respectable hobby if you know what you’re doing and if you play your cards right you can cash in your… cash… for more cash (shit was so cash). It’s common knowledge that money and things that resemble money can equal more money so it didn’t take long for companies to show up touting “commemoratives” and “legal tender” currency that only has value if you live in the Bumfuck Islands just off the coast of The People’s Sovereign Republic of Neverland. Coins can be collectible, however just like anything else that’s specifically created to be collectible these “highly collectible” coins whose producers claim will only increase in value will do anything but. Here’s seven “collectible” coins which if you purchased them means you are retarded.

 

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There are a lot of ways you can tastefully pay tribute to a national tragedy, making a pop-up coin isn’t one of them. I don’t understand what the fucking christ National Collectors’ Mint was smoking when they came up with this idea but it must have been something pretty damn potent. When was the last time you could remember seeing such a coin? Exactly. The concept of a piece of currency that has a pop-up feature is so incomprehensibly retarded that when the aliens invade our planet long after we nuke ourselves they’ll find one of these coins in the rubble and conclude there’s absolutely nothing of value or merit on this rock and leave. That’s right, this work of art is so offensive that it’ll devalue the entire planet when the alien terraforming real estate industry picks up in 2116.

Wow. Isn’t that just the most tasteful thing you’ve ever seen? I would have loved to have been in the meeting where someone decided a pop-up coin was an appropriate way to pay respect and tribute to a terrorist attack that claimed the lives of thousands. Who even thinks of this kind of object anyways? I mean, I understand this is meant to be a collectible and not actual currency but you don’t exactly see people turning antique cars into vibrating beds or soda dispensers.

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“Guys I just had a brilliant idea. Let’s make a coin out of THIS. A pop-up coin!!”

The commercial states National Collectors Mint donates five bucks from every sale to 9/11 memorials and efforts which doesn’t exactly make them seem like a bad guy until you find out that the very September 11th charities that NCM donated to rejected the fucking donations. That’s right, the people and organizations responsible for actually giving a shit about those who perished in the attacks had the balls to look National Collectors Mint straight in the eye and tell them to go fuck themselves and that they didn’t want their money, even if it was to the tune of two million dollars.

Yeah, they turned down two million dollars just because they don’t deal with money from con artists.

Not ones to be outdone (or to take the hint that their antics offended legitimate charities), National Collectors Mint produced yet another pop-up coin five years later that included the original Twin Towers gimmick plus a pop-up casting of the USS New York, a ship that was built using steel salvaged from the World Trade Center wreckage.

 

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Maybe you heard about it in the news or from a friend who never believes what “The Man” tells him but a few months ago we killed that Bin Laden guy. Yup, shot him right in the face. All those idle nights at the Army camp spent playing Call of Duty finally paid off. President Obama got to make an address on TV trolling George W. Bush and for a split second the USA shit their pants in patriotic glee. Or maybe we all just rolled our eyes and said “it’s about goddamn time”; I’m not sure on that one, US History was a subject I wasn’t too good at in school. Regardless, the guy responsible for the 9/11 terrorist attacks paid the ultimate price even if said “price” was only showcased to a group of six soldiers and wasn’t broadcast live to the entire world like the death of Saddam Hussein.

It didn’t take long for someone to make a stupid coin out of the accomplishment, though.

Holy shit did you see that commercial? It was like a goddamn movie! Whoever created that ad must have binged on patriotic movies for at least four straight days before they cut that commercial together. These people are freaking insane and they pulled out all the stops when they came up with this piece of schlock. Sure, National Collectors Mint might try to pull at your heartstrings with their ads but the creatures at Historic Coin Mint just do not give a shit. Complete with reenactments filmed in broad daylight with fucking night vision (IT’S GREEN IT MUST BE TOP SECRET) every second of this commercial hits you with 100% unrefined patriotism. They even got a buff Army-lookalike guy to unpack the bonus mission guide that comes with their coins:

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“I asked for a goddamn toothbrush and deodorant and they sent THIS SHIT?”

Not only do you get a gold coin plus three novels’ worth of military facts and a nerdy lapel pin for 20 bucks they’ll also throw in a silver coin exactly like the gold one absolutely free. I’m not an economist but for them to be able to sell both a gold and silver coin for under $20 the precious coating on the outside of that coin cannot possibly be more than .01 nanometers thick, it’s simply impossible. However regardless of the actual lack of value of this currency the “JUSTICE COIN” is legal tender in all former Confederate states.

 

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If I hadn’t just shown you a 9/11 coin that has a pop-up feature you might take one look at this next coin and doubtfully cross your arms and roll your eyes. Come on, a light up coin? Really? No, I’m not trolling you. This is a real coin, I swear. Would you believe it, though, that the same geniuses responsible for bringing us the September 11th pop-up coin are also responsible for inventing the world’s first light up coin? Yep, what we have here is another brilliant idea from National Collectors Mint who proudly touts their creation as “world’s first” without really understanding why nobody has ever been retarded enough to make a light up coin.

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See the twinkle? That’s value added.

[Editor’s Note: The commercial for this coin has been pulled from YouTube.]

If you’re paying attention to the advertisement and not simply watching it to laugh at how ridiculous of a product this coin is you may have picked up on the passing mention that the coin is actually legal tender in the Republic of Palau. You may also have watched the commercial and started wondering why the music implies that somebody is about to get murdered. This coin really is legal tender in Palau though it’s “non-circulated” meaning that the Palau government isn’t minting this currency themselves probably because they don’t have proper access to the assembly lines required to put fucking lights in their money. All this talk of Palau, however, is probably causing you to wonder just where in the world this place is because let’s face it you haven’t even heard of its existence until just now.

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Palau is right there. In the circle. In the water.

Yep, right there next to Indonesia… somewhere. Palau’s economy is more than likely based upon Nike sweatshops and Komodo dragon maulings. When it’s not busy existing as a natural connect-the-dots puzzle Palau enjoys things like financial bankruptcy and being the butt of jokes told by Internet comedians who really don’t understand or know anything about Palauian (??) culture and/or history. Seriously, sorry Palau but you can’t say letting NCM mint currency for you — currency that lights up — wasn’t a lapse of judgment on your part. Somewhere out there in Palau a convenience store owner probably has more of these things than he knows what to do with even though legally they’re worth exactly one dollar.

Their economy is now a joke thanks to National Collectors Mint.

 

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Quick! Name something Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy have in common!

You probably just said to yourself “they both got shot in the head”. Congratulations, you’re thinking alongside 99.9999% (that’s four nines) of the US population. The other 0.0001% is the CEO of National Collectors Mint who honestly thinks you can market a coin-based product called “The Truth is Stranger Than Fiction” featuring Lincoln and Kennedy and not have it focus on the obvious fact that both presidents were assassinated and have airs of conspiracy theories around them. Come on, for fuck’s sake their heads are the only thing featured on the coins and wouldn’t you know that’s exactly where both of them were shot. Seriously, the product page for this coin set starts its list of facts with “Lincoln was elected in 1846 and Kennedy in 1946” and it doesn’t take long for it to fall apart into assassination facts from there.

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This is what’s on the back of both coins.

What could have been a coin set that paid tribute to things that didn’t involve each president getting a bullet lodged in their skulls, such as Abraham Lincoln’s drive to abolish slavery or John F. Kennedy’s handling of the Cuban missile crisis, ends up being a tasteless rehashing of tired facts and celebrates their terms in the most inappropriate ways possible. Yeah, we know both of them were shot by crazy people so why don’t you save that kind of over-analytical nonsense for Final Destination and conspiracy theorists to wallow in? What’s next, are you going to make a coin out of the grassy knoll and the play Lincoln was seeing before he was killed? There wasn’t a commercial for this product but I’d have loved to see it because there’s nothing quite as tacky as National Collectors Mint more than likely taking footage of Kennedy’s assassination and looping an animation of a spinning coin on top of it.

I’m just surprised they didn’t make this coin play the national fucking anthem or something since they’ve already secured the market for both pop-up and light up coins.

 

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People have different ways of commemorating George W. Bush; some people make coins and others make toilet paper, but you’d be surprised how many of the former don’t understand Stephen Colbert’s “great president or greatest president” joke. Political affiliations aside it’s pretty commonplace for presidents to appear on currency and currency commemoratives, that’s simply tradition… however the only denomination President Bush should ever appear on is the $1 trillion dollar bill — the approximate cost of the war in Iraq/Afghanistan.

I’m not going to lie, the only real reason I selected this coin for this article wasn’t so that I could take pot shots at G.W. but instead so I could make fun of the “coin expert” who kind of resembles a fatter Super Mario. I mean, he’s not the first ever paid testimonial to grace our televisions but he’s one of the few who suffer from a blatantly obvious case of “I’m reading this from a script” syndrome. There’s absolutely nothing sincere or genuine about the way he deadpans his lines or acts like he’s really inspecting the Bush coin. The people behind American Mint’s commercial could have had better success getting a bunch of socially awkward You Can’t Do That On Television lifers to narrate and fake enthusiasm about their shitty product.

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American Mint should have made their currency INTERACTIVE.

Also what’s with the tagline of “we’re only making 50,000 of these and destroying the molds”? American Mint is either grossly over-estimating or under-estimating how collectible they perceive their product to be. Furthermore “worldwide limited availability”? Yeah, I’m sure people in Russia and Japan give two shits about getting their hands on a coin that’s worth exactly nothing. Additionally, speaking of value, the coin claims it’s worth $10; ten bucks where? It sure as hell isn’t American currency so unless there’s some unknown country approving the minting of this trash (I hear Palau is receptive to such offers) this token, valued at ten American Mint Fun Bucks,  is worth exactly $0 in the real world. It’s pretty hard for something worthless to increase in value, great job guys.

 

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When Barack Obama became President Obama two things happened simultaneously: African-Americans coast to coast rejoiced that the nation came together and elected a black president, and someone else made a fucking plate. Dare I say it, Barack Obama’s inauguration may very well have had more shady merchandise based off of it than all ten years’ worth of 9/11 commemorations. From shirts to plates to bumper stickers and posters everybody was getting in on this whole “we got a black dude in the White House” nonsense, completely devaluing and undermining the gravity of the accomplishment in the process, but nothing takes the cake quite like the coins offered by U.S. Coin Network. It was common knowledge that somebody was going to make a stupid ass coin to “remember” this historical time, but nobody thought it would be this crazy. Here’s Montel Williams with how you can own a piece of history.

I apologize for the crappy video quality because as much as I’d like to say the actual commercial looked like that it doesn’t. That is the way Montel Williams actually talks, however. Montel is incapable of coherent speech, whenever he opens his mouth he ends up compressing multi-syllable words into something resembling the rambling and incoherent drawl of a drunk man. Despite this he still finds ways to show up on TV hawking everything from Obama coins to blenders to loan sharks and even colon cleansing products. (Fact: Montel’s colon cleansing system is him putting his mouth onto your butthole and sucking everything out of it.)

I could tear into Montel Williams for an hour and a half but that wouldn’t make a lick of difference. Montel does nothing but promote products that are more worthless than the airing rights to his canceled talk show but these Obama coins are the alpha and the omega of everything he has or will ever promote. I could tell you what’s wrong with these coins myself, but I think showing you another video would be the best route:

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They’re fucking quarters with stickers on them.

U.S. Coin Network’s website could not have possibly been open longer than a weekend or however long it took customers to find out that they had bought $1.25 worth of quarters for twenty bucks. Judging by the quality of the printed stickers in the news broadcast you wouldn’t even have to be in the same building as the Obama coins to have them set off your bullshit detectors. Either nobody told Montel what he was selling or he’s simply stupid enough to believe putting a sticker on top of a Chuck E. Cheese token qualifies as minting currency which is pretty terrifying considering he’s doing ads for Money Mutual these days.

Lesson learned: Never take financial advice from Montel Williams. Montel Jordan on the other hand…

 

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If I were to tell you National Collectors Mint (yeah these guys again) was offering a $20 bill commemorating September 11th there’s a pretty good chance you’d assume they were selling real $20 bills pre-folded in such a way that makes it look like the burning Twin Towers, but you’d be wrong. Don’t worry I was shocked to hear otherwise too but the actual product is so much funnier: it’s a $20 silver certificate bill, in Liberian currency, valued at exactly $20 (Liberian). It’s a legal tender bank note that I suppose you could use to pay for something in Liberia, but I’m not sure what. Maybe a plane ticket for a flight out of Liberia?

Take it all in. All of it. This was a real commercial.

I don’t even know where to begin. The factoid calling out to me the loudest is the description the uploader on YouTube provided. He was watching an episode of madTV and thought this commercial was one of their gag ads which I guess places commercials by National Collectors Mint on the same level of entertainment as second-rate variety shows.

After watching that commercial my head is just a sea of mindfuck. National Collectors Mint states  their silver certificate is bigger than all denominations of US currency. Uh, great? How is that a selling point? Actually how is that a selling point so strong that it’s used as the first one of the commercial? Who cares if it’s bigger than US currency, that doesn’t mean it’s worth more; I’m fairly certain that’s what the numbers on the fucking bill stand for — and oh god does NCM have a grip on numbers. My favorite part of this commercial isn’t the fact that they discovered 9 + 11 equals 20, but that it apparently took them seven years to figure this out. Just think, they invented the pop-up coin in the interim even though this whole time the numbers “9” and “11” were sitting right in front of them just waiting for someone, anyone, at NCM to make the connection.

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This smarmy bastard may have failed the first grade but he’s an S-class con.

One of National Collectors Mint’s favorite hobbies was promoting coins that were made from “Ground Zero silver”, silver recovered from bank vaults underneath the World Trade Center. Boy oh boy did NCM love to rape the hearts of veterans and families with that tagline by claiming the silver was “priceless”. Actually it wasn’t “priceless”, it was worth about $4.20 an ounce on 9/11/2001. Just a factoid. Silver sitting inside of a vault without any kind of special markings that would connect it to a historical event like a shipwreck or a terrorist attack is worth exactly whatever the trading rate of silver is on any given day and I’m fairly certain the “recovery silver” wasn’t stamped with WTC seals or anything of the sort. It’s fucking silver. Silver is silver, that’s why it’s called silver.

After they’ve hit you with enough patriotism to make even Toby Keith vomit they remind us all that their note is being sold at “face value”, which is $20. What they fail to mention is that this is $20 in Liberian currency which is worth approximately 31 cents (USD). If they were really selling this at face value then you’d almost be able to buy this with one of those counterfeit Obama coins mentioned earlier in the article. Also it’s not solid silver because there’s no way you could stretch 31 cents’ worth of silver into something bigger than a bill of actual US currency; it’s apparently a piece of thick cardstock paper covered in silver leaf so not only is it needlessly expensive it’s also fragile and ultimately worthless in the end. The only place these bills will ever end up is, well…

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WTB: Worthless Liberian currency.

– Dracophile