The 20 Best Tweets from @Horse_ebooks

Twitter. Seriously. I hate it, and yet it’s something I’ve written the most articles about. To be honest it’s just a timesink of worthless regurgitated crap and the only practical use I can see it being utilized for is a makeshift RSS feed for people to use to keep up to date with their favorite websites which would be a great idea if RSS didn’t already exist in the first place. I don’t really care what butthole Daniel Tosh just rimmed or if Adam Savage just busted the myth of how many buttholes Daniel Tosh can lick in one minute. The fact that Kim Kardashian has almost as many followers as Barack Obama is pretty much proof that this country is fucked.

Despite all this I think I’ve found something I actually like about the service and that is automated script bots. Yes, the same “people” that try selling you cheap Nikes and WoW gold have also infested Twitter. Normally Twitter would nuke these bot accounts for doing nothing but spamming Viagra links but the trick here is these bots don’t spam URLs only; they’ll post a link once in a while and pad the spam with a few bizarrely generated tweets of utter nonsense. Horse_ebooks, a bot whose products I’m fairly certain revolve around electronic publications of an equestrian nature, is a scripted account of Russian origin whose “filler” tweets may actually be the thoughts of a mad man presented in real time.

I did what anyone else would do in this scenario, I took 20 of my favorite tweets and decided to half-ass an article.

 

Trains and retarded people go hand in hand. Who would have thought?

 

This sounds like a terrible murder comedy. I bet Ben Stiller would have the lead role and his “dead in a river” friend would be someone like Andy Dick.

 


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The usage of quotation marks and capital letters is what worries me with this tweet. It’s like Horsey is handing someone a Weed Eater with C4 stuck to it with a wink and internal laugh, waiting for them to try and turn it on.

 

Who the fuck fixes gloves? Aren’t you supposed to just buy new ones? If you’re wearing gloves while using your “metal detector” you’ll have a lot more to fix than just gloves.

 

Holy shit, Horsey are you a magician?!

 

A metal detector?

 

Of course there are other ways to defend yourself besides karate. My personal favorite happens to be firearms.

 

I don’t understand, Horsey. Do you sell hamster ebooks too? Now isn’t the time for diversification.

 

Dear god I hope we aren’t talking about horses here. I think this tweet might be illegal to read in most industrialized countries.

 

Yes. 11 years ago.

 

Thanks, Horsey. It’s good to know you’re delivering the hard-hitting news that other media outlets refuse to acknowledge.

 

What about hamsters? Horses? Do penguins attack too? What happens when a dog attacks us? Do you sell an ebook that covers that subject so we can be prepared for it when it happens?

 

I hope you’re referring to a stable. I know of a furry sex toy company that includes this very same message with all of their “equine trainer” toys.

 

What the fuck kind of Tales of Symphonia fanfiction porn are you quoting this from, Horsey? And why do I have a boner?

 

What about cats named Andy? Will the person who receives this book theoretically enjoy it twice as much?

 

It’s good to know wherever in Russia Horsey lives that he gets the Lifetime Network because he just gave a 140 character summary of every movie they’ve ever aired.

 

The hell? Is this a quote from some kind of gimmicky furry product for people with equine transformation fetishes? Or… holy shit… is this from a magical spell e-tome that can turn people into horses?

 

What? Mutual what? Horse genitalia? TELL ME HORSEY, I NEED TO KNOW! I WANT TO HAVE A SPECIAL, SATISFYING, FULFILLING, AND LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HORSE!!

 

Do they even have Chinese restaurants in Russia?

 

Finding 20 brilliant tweets from Horsey wasn’t too hard, but I had to read through a lot of repeat spam to bring you these little nuggets of joy. I hope you enjoyed this presentation of “Diet” Horse_ebooks, because I have a whole bag full of little gems spit out by this master horse.

– Roastmaster