I Fucking Love TrueSwords.com

I hang out here at GatorAIDS and since I’m too cheap to pay for a No Ads upgrade, but I’m decent enough to turn off AdBlock, I get to see lots of ads. One thing I’ve learned from these damn ads is “HOLY SHIT SWORDS”. The fine folks at TrueSwords.com have spent what I can only imagine is about eleventy thousand dollars to make it known to every single person who has ever visited GatorAIDS that they sell ninja gear and anime swords. Their ads show up so frequently that I feel like I know TrueSwords well enough to get to second base with them if I felt like it. According to the AdBrite Network reports that we receive, we’ve seen over three thousand TrueSwords advertisements. That’s easily five times as many advertisements as everything else combined, even the godawful “local mom gives head and makes $77/day YOU CAN TOO” banners.

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One look at this sweet-ass banner and you KNOW it’s gonna be good.

I buckled and decided to pay TrueSwords.com a visit and discovered that they sell tons more crap than just swords, including this toilet bowl cleaner that looks like a skull. Classy.

But really they primarily sell swords and ninja crap. Here’s my favorite stuff.

 

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Xenomorphs have 3 dicks and 8 vaginas. Just a quick FYI.

 

I’m not gonna lie, I don’t watch very many Aliens, Predator, or Aliens vs. Predator movies. As far as I’m concerned the only thing either franchise has given to the world are the phrase “get to the chopper” and weird alien egg fetishes. I’ve seen both. I don’t like either one. The only reason people see Predator movies, especially that god awful recent one by Robert Rodriguez, is because they have nothing else better to do with their afternoon and haven’t discovered Internet porn; and the only reason why people see Aliens movies is to tempt the gods of fate and see if they can dodge being arrested for what Pee Wee Herman was caught doing in a theater himself. Basically what I’m trying to say is that the films appeal to two completely different audiences so I have no idea why they were combined in the first place except to showcase both awesome tribal weapons that fire lasers and copious instances of male impregnation.

And then they made this blade replica, I guess.

I don’t profess myself as a know-it-all of the Predator franchise so I’m sure I’ll get some kind of lecture in the comments on the forums, but this blade pisses me off because I don’t know what the hell it’s for. I understand that the Predator has a Frisbee of death that he can throw around and decapitate people with but this certainly isn’t it seeing as how it’s about as balanced as a propeller on an economy airline plane. It’s not a throwing weapon, so I figure it has to be a handheld-type weapon, but then I notice there’s five finger slots between the six blades so you cannot hold it in your hand without having an extra blade hanging off to one side. The more I thought about this blade the more I realized it’s just a stupid movie replica and that I probably shouldn’t be putting so much thought into it.

So I popped in Aliens and masturbated instead.

 

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“Just weld a bunch of nails together.” – Guy who invented this.

 

This is probably the stupidest fucking “self-defense” item I’ve ever seen. It seriously just looks like someone who just did not give a shit took a bunch of spare nail-starters from the Home Depot and glued them together into this keychain weapon.

Yeah, a keychain weapon.

I’m fairly certain I can figure out how this works, you put it between your fingers like a pair of brass knuckles and punch imaginary rapists with it, but the sheer ridiculousness of its design is what gets me. Firstly, if it’s connected to your keys what do you do with said keys? Do you let them dangle off to the side of your fist as a shiny and easily grab-able mass your attacker can snag and render your five dollar weapon useless with? Do you detach this from your keyring if you’re attacked? If so who has the time to open up a keyring when their butthole is being violated? But in all seriousness if you have a bunch of keys in your pocket wouldn’t it be easier and faster just to wield your keys in the same manner as this tool and just punch your attacker in the neck?

Also for what amounts to a bunch of nails stuck to each other putting them on a keyring sounds like a pretty stupid idea considering the likelihood of you putting them in your pocket and stabbing yourself in the leg or palm floats somewhere around 104%.

 

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Instructions: Turn left for pen, right for inferno.

 

This is touted as a “survival device”, you know, for all those times when you’re stuck in the wilderness doing your taxes but also want to start a fire to cook the fish you caught with your DustBuster/spear combo tool. Seriously when would this possibly be of any practical use? It’s literally a pen, not “pen” as in some kind of special type of knife with a fine blade or anything, that’s called a penknife, but literally “pen” as in “don’t do your homework with a pen because your teacher will take off points for it”. It’s a goddamn pen with a firestarter stick on the other side of it.

And it’s $25.

And again much like our web of nails up above this is also a keychain for all those times when you’re driving and doing your taxes but also want to start a fire to cook the fish you caught with your DustBuster/spear. They couldn’t have taken the flint stick and put it on something a little more appropriate like a knife, maybe? Or would that be too obvious of a solution for a survival tool? What do they pair up with blowtorches, a box of popsicles and a horse hoof cleaning pick?

 

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Actual screenshot from Avatar 2: Avatar Harder

 

When you saw Avatar did it touch you so hard that you felt as though you were one with the Na’vi? This is a very real thing to some people, so real in fact that they’ve decided the universe from a shitty James Cameron movie exists and that they are reborn Na’vi (like Draconics and Otherkin except even more stupid and improbable). Seriously this even pisses off furries who probably would have hopped right on the whole “wow they look like cats” thing because they’ve agreed that “Na’vikin” is more annoying than retarded Spyro the Dragon characters, about 48 kinds of crabs, AND jokes that feed the narcissistic tendencies of random unmentionable people in the fandom and there’s even a SEVENTY-EIGHT PAGE THREAD ON THE “AVATAR FORUMS” ABOUT HOW TO COPE WITH THE FACT THAT PANDORA DOES NOT EXIST.

But you can look like a blue Mr. T for only five bucks if you want.

 

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Nothing says “tacky” quite like a tacky vagina belt buckle.

 

This item’s page at TrueSwords says it’s a “great gift idea”. I disagree unless you know for a fact that the person you’re giving it to likes to floss their teeth with crabs and pubes.

Apparently our (as in humans, I guess) views on what is attractive in pornography have changed since the 1970’s where it was okay for a woman’s lady-parts to look like a velcro factory explosion. Nowadays that’s gross and I’m fairly certain had we known any better back then we’d have said the same thing. Maybe I’m just sounding like an uneducated Generation X’er but seriously an untamed “bush” is fucking disgusting. Trimmed is nice, clean-shaven is nice, but “check out the ZZ Top concert” is not. That’s just common decency, folks.

There are a lot of adjectives that you can use to describe a crotch afro; “sweet” and “delicious” are not two words that immediately come to mind. That’s not to say that they don’t come to mind at all, but when they do eventually show up they’re way down at the bottom of the list with “fire truck red” and “Orwellian”.

Also this isn’t a fucking sword.

– Roastmaster

 

PS: You’re welcome for the free advertising, TrueSwords. Now send me a free vagina belt buckle and an Avatar mask I want to wear both at the same time.