How I Made A Zillion Bucks Spouting Bullshit Online

Cogito ergo sum is a Latin phrase that means “I write, therefore I’m broke”. Writing is about the only thing you can be good at and never make a dime doing it unless you’re incredibly lucky or simply know how to “play the game”.

What is this “the game” you might ask? Hell if I know. Maybe it’s softball; maybe it’s shuffleboard. Maybe it’s solo synchronized swimming. There is no surefire way to learn “the game” but there are a hell of a lot of places out there that want you to believe that you can do it and make a zillion bucks a day and that it’s a legitimate business. To an extent it is a legitimate field of work but there’s a big secret behind the charade that everybody who is telling you how to make money online and be successful doesn’t want to actually tell you. It’s the secret to playing “the game”, like knowing when to tilt a pinball machine or knowing exactly where all of the hidden 1UP’s are in Super Mario Bros. Yes, I will tempt fate and the angry fat fingers of dozens of successful “making money online” moguls and reveal their big secret (hint: it’s at the end of the article). Honestly, though, I don’t care if I piss them off; what are they going to do to me, shoot me with money?

Ha. Money shot. GatorAIDS: Classy high-brow humor since 2009.

But first, here’s some debunking of their “popular advice”:

 

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What they say: This tip comes in a lot of different flavors. One person might tell you to write with your readers in mind, another will tell you that “content is king”, and furthermore someone else will tell you that you should always write what you think your audience wants to read even if it’s not your forte. They then normally follow this advice with the brain-melting suggestion “also put Google AdSense on your blog” (but don’t because Google is just a bunch of cocks). Basically what they’re trying to convey to you is simple: develop a niche and write for it. If you write for a certain audience then you will end up attracting readers, this is simply basic logic.

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Fact: AdSense has exactly one feature: BULLSHIT.

Why it’s bullshit: Because they’re just stating the obvious. “Write for an audience.” Fuck you. It doesn’t matter what you write, if you write so much as a single sentence you’re writing with an audience in mind; you are always writing with a specific audience in mind even if it’s yourself because there are other people out there with similar interests. It is absolutely impossible to write something that does not have an audience unless you’re writing for GatorAIDS. Everything has an audience and I dare you to prove me otherwise. You can write a personal interpretation of a random verse in the Bible or you can write a manifesto about why you feel that we should make it illegal to open anymore Piggly Wiggly stores in the US and there will be people who will find your article and agree with you. Always. You can write a My Little Pony fanfiction peppered with scat and latex fetishes where the main character is Hitler in pony form who can fire physical manifestations of Justin Bieber songs out of his dick and you will still find readers.

Someone telling you to be the “king” of your own content is empowering, and that’s why they say it; it’s a phrase to build you up so that you will feel like you’ll be number one and you’ll be getting all of the hot e-bitches at your doorstep in no time. At the same time however they’re also giving you advice without actually having given you anything at all. You already knew you had to create content based upon what people want to read, but hearing it from someone else just validates your thoughts so the person who is telling it to you seems smart. It’s called “confirmation bias” and it’s a load of bullshit.

 

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What they say: Not only should you write with your audience in mind but you should write to incorporate buzzwords into your articles or submissions that will get picked up by search engines. You should also utilize the “alternate text” function for your images. There’s a whole business built around this nonsense and it’s called “SEO” or “Search Engine Optimization” (or “Stupid E-Business Operations” depending on who you ask). The idea is that when you set up a website “the right way” people who are searching for a specific product or idea will come upon your website thanks to search engine spiders indexing these “buzzwords” on your page, because that’s all the Internet is full of: cookies and spiders.

Why it’s bullshit: Because it really doesn’t make a damn bit of difference in the long run; there is more to a search engine than buzzwords and buzzword frequency. Yes, this worked in the 1990’s for people who filled their websites with invisible text that simply repeated the same phrase over and over again but you can’t do that today and expect to Googlesnipe a specific search term. It takes, among other things, being an established website that has been online for quite a while, heavy amounts of traffic, and a fair amount of people linking to you to boost your placement. You could help this if you had a boosting network of sorts, which brings us to…

 

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What they say: Networking with others in your field will help you share your traffic, plus linking to one another will help boost your “SEO” and exposure on search engines. The idea is that if you stick together with a bunch of other related sites that you’ll succeed because you can all share the wealth. It works for anime websites and video game sprite databases, so why can’t it work for you?

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More erotic MS Paint dragon and fairy porn is just a click away!

Why it’s bullshit: Because it defeats the purpose of “being original” and the idea that you should find a niche and write for it. That’s why it’s called a “niche”, it’s a small demographic that is otherwise a new market. If what you’re doing is exactly what Sites A and B are doing, and if they’re struggling too, then what’s the point of banding together? To become a giant tangled Rat King of fail? There is safety in numbers but not if you’re out to be an Internet billionaire. When was the last time you ever seriously thumbed through the affiliates page or section of a website? I don’t mean glance at it, but actually look at what all the little button links went to. You probably haven’t done this mostly because if you’ve found what you’re looking for you probably don’t care what the other 14 related sites have to offer. It’s a glorified webring except it doesn’t take up as much space and if you’ve partnered with a blog that has a massive list of affiliates then congratulations you are officially invisible.

 

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What they say: Getting licensed to sell a product online is a great business opportunity because for every copy of Windows Virus Defender Firewall Optimizer Solitaire 2014 you sell you get a dividend of the profits! Not only can you take your independent Amway business online there are plenty of programs and web-based services that you can sell from your very own domain name! Plus, if you get your friends involved in selling you’ll make a fraction of their profits and the profits of anybody they get to sign up, it’s like Reverse Reaganomics!

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BE YOUR OWN BOSSSSSSSS

Why it’s bullshit: Firstly, multi-level marketing is the biggest scam in the world; for the uninitiated back in the day we had a special name for crap like this: pyramid scheme. I’ll just throw that factoid out there and get it out of the way because MLM doesn’t work unless you’re the genius mastermind behind the whole operation selling people overpriced “starter kits” and samples.

Additionally selling a bunch of pre-fabricated crap does nothing but saturate the market with trash; why should Joe Blow Consumer buy the Titty City bikini model screensaver from you when there are no less than 200 other websites out there selling the same exact download package for the same price? There’s no incentive and you’re not allowed to include any because it otherwise comes out of your pocket. MLM does nothing but prey upon your friends because they’re seriously the only market that you can reach out to sell pre-fab trash and if you’re a decent friend you wouldn’t badger your mates with worthless adult toys, skin lotions, and computer “cleaning” programs that probably do nothing but install spyware that turns all of their desktop icons into Tupperware bowls.

Also, dangling the bewildering promise of “YOUR OWN DOMAIN NAME” doesn’t work anymore and if it does then it only works on retarded people who’ve been living under a rock since around the year 2000 when it became incredibly easy and affordable to buy your own domain name.

 

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What they say: You can get your name and “brand” out there by simply writing about what you love and sharing it on a website that will pay you a dividend of their ad revenue once you reach a certain threshold of views! It’s the easiest way to make money because once you write your content you just simply wait for the checks to roll on in! Websites like Triond, e-Pinions, and Associated Content all offer incentives where you can post an article about anything you can dream up and get paid for it based upon views, comments, followers, and overall exposure.

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All this can be yours!

Why it’s bullshit: Because while you can make money through these websites with enough time and effort the payoff is grossly disproportionate to the amount of work that is required. Most of these websites only give you mere pennies for your views which are notoriously hard to rack up considering how all too often these websites are cluttered full of trash articles. You also have to reach a certain earning level before they are obligated to pay you which normally hovers somewhere around $25 to $50, a low number that seems entirely doable until you realize how little you’ll make from each view you get. These businesses operate to scam free content out of you under the assumption that you will never reach the payment threshold and thus will provide them with articles that they can monetize and reap the benefits from no matter how trashy or ill-informed they are. You can write an article so beautiful and well-assembled that a site like Cracked might buy it from you (for $50 no questions asked) so there’s absolutely no reason you should pursue crap like these “dividend” sites.

There are sites out there that will pay you for legitimate content, and I’m not going to rag on them. These are the sites that will pay you a flat rate for a quality article and can also double as legitimate sources of experience for people looking to build a resume or portfolio. Putting “Triond” on a work application for a magazine or publication firm is the fastest way to get your resume thrown straight into the dumpster. Wiping your ass with your application and putting “denying the Holocaust” as a hobby will land you a better chance at finding work than listing e-Pinions as experience will. It is hypothesized that merely letting these websites appear on your Internet history will make you ineligible to buy paper, pencils, markers, or any other form of stationery and you’ll be blacklisted from being let into OfficeMax because you’re a walking insult to the art of writing.

 

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What they say: It’s okay to fail, you will never make it on your first try, nobody does! You have to get back up and keep on trying because eventually you’ll hit that vein of gold and then you’ll be in the big leagues, it just takes perseverance and dedication!

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Nothing says “hang in there” quite like Pokemon bondage.

Why it’s bullshit: There’s nothing inherently wrong with keeping someone inspired in the face of adversity. Extending your hand out to someone who’s been knocked down is one of the sincerest actions you can take but not when it’s you who’s been pushing people down. Don’t get what I mean? Well then, it’s time to reveal the actual secret to making money online:

 

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The secret to making money online is convincing others how to do it the wrong way.

That sounds like a ridiculous plan until you look at from an objective point of view. If you’re telling people how to make money online then you most likely have advertisements of some sort on your page that in turn provides you with cash. People who are looking for ways to make money online are likely going to come across your page and thus grant you some ad revenue. You don’t want people taking your money from you so of course you’re not going to tell them how you’re really raking in your cash. You’re going to lie to them, probably sell them an overpriced eBook full of nonsensical bullshit, and entice them to continuously visit your shitty “Making Money Online” WordPress blog with quasi-lessons on how to register on Twitter and a bunch of other meaningless and trite “advice”.

People who make money online by telling other people how to do it are nothing more than con artists and predators who prey upon the financially stricken and suck pure money out of the hopes and dreams of financial stability from their audience. They don’t care if your website succeeds or fails or if you buy $500 worth of Avon and get stuck with it because to them it’s not their problem, that’s their plan all along. You’re not supposed to succeed, they are banking on your failure so that they can succeed. Used car salesmen are more honest in their work than these crooked fucks.

One of the few places online that has genuine advice on how to seriously make money online is eHow. They provide an unabashed, realistic, and non-sugar coated bulletin of seven points that you can use to help you find genuine work online.

And this is coming from a website that also tells you how to use a fucking pair of scissors.

– Dracophile