I HATE Selling On Craigslist
For those of you who only stick to Facebook, Twitter, and eBay for your Internet needs (aww aren’t you so cute in your little safety bubble?) you may only be familiar with Craigslist in passing. Craigslist can best be described as a rough “meet up” connections website whose display format never made it past 1997; either the creators of the website are creative geniuses or they simply cannot be assed to pick a font other than Times New Roman for their creation. On Craigslist you can do a variety of local things in your community, assuming you live in one of a handful of densely populated places in the United States, ranging from selling an old dresser, finding a DJ for a party, or finding work in the porn business. Craigslist truly has it all and if it dispensed food stamps then I’m fairly certain every impoverished family in every metropolis in the country would be all over it.
Earlier this month I decided it was time to let my old Xbox 360 set sail to a new home. The console had gotten the notorious Red Ring of Death and was 4 years old meaning that it was outside of Microsoft’s “we assembled this system like shit so you’re going to foot the bill because we’re too lazy to give a damn” warranty. I don’t know how to fix them so I figured I could take a picture and toss it up on Craigslist with the instructions that anybody who wanted to email me about it could make me an offer. I was expecting something around the $40 – $50 range considering I was including the wireless controller with it and when the offers came in I got one for $20, one for $35, one for $40, and one for $50. I also got a trade offer but since I have no use for a broken Super NES or 14 copies of NBA Jam I passed on the deal. I obviously went with the $50 offer because if I learned anything in second grade it’s that 50 is bigger than 20 and since I am pressed for money that’s the choice I went with.
The transaction began as simple as it could possibly be. The buyer emailed me with a link back to my posting and with the short phrase “50.00 for all”. I replied back saying that I was interested in taking his offer and that I would be in the area on the 29th. The buyer was ecstatic and asked me to email him back when I was going to be in town. Finally, after two dickheads showed interest in buying textbooks off of me only to bail out at the utmost last second here was a guy who wasn’t going to give me any problems whatsoever.
Immediately after I received the buyer’s email that he was excited to be able to get the console he replied again stating that he wasn’t sure if he’d have the money on time because he was awaiting someone’s payment on a car he had done work on. I said that was fine and that because I wouldn’t be in the city until the next day there would be no problems with his customer being late or on time since by then he’d have surely shown up. I said I had other things to do when I’d be out and about and that he could text me at any time when he had the money and would be able to pay me. The buyer prided himself on being “48 years old, not some young kid that wouldn’t pay you what i owe you, but before i leave my address let me know what your willing to do“. Despite the fact that I think he just propositioned me for sex (as is Craigslist) I didn’t think anything of it and laughed at the fact that he called out my generation on being assholes.
Apparently the buyer doesn’t know that you can add to an email before you click “SEND” so immediately after he told me he was 48 he also sent this gem along: “but at least im up front with you before you get here then tell you hey my customer hasnt gotten here to pay you, i did it before hand, not saying they wont be here before you get here ,but hey things do happen, i hope it shows you im an honest person, even though i am old,,lol“. Around this time is when I started thinking this person was probably crazy but I needed the money and even a crazy person’s $50 is still worth $50 in Sane Land. I pushed forward and disregarded it assuming that whatever he was blabbering on about would be fine in the end although I can’t say I wasn’t perturbed reading emails from someone who claimed to be 48 but apparently had a grasp on English like a 3 year old. I’m not trying to put myself above anybody but I’m less than half this clown’s age and I’d like to say I’m pretty damn well educated in the throes of the English language, syntax, and grammar.
I replied back that all was well and if there was a phone number I could text him at so I could let him know when I was in town and that I’d be ready to deliver the console whenever he was. He responded with a phone number and said that it doesn’t take calls, only texts because it got wet and the speaker was ruined. Not one to ask if he was dumb enough to go swimming with a phone I just said “ok” and assumed he probably thought the government was listening to him so he threw his phone into the ocean. So far this guy’s level of crazy is around the David Liebe Hart area on the Gary Busey Scale of Insanity so while “theriddler” (his screenname) is just crazy enough to be annoying he hasn’t gotten to that cusp where you just want to deck him in the face with a roll of quarters balled up in your fist… until 17 minutes later he sends both of these emails:
“well go ahead and go back home, thanks any ways“
“just have to pass on it, beings how you dont want to trust me till tomorrow or the weekend on a broken X-BOX 360 THATS BROKEN, ITS COOL,TAKE CARE,“
Apparently Captain Einstein here confused the word “tomorrow” with “today, and 20 minutes from now even though it takes me an hour to get to where you are”. It’s a common misconception, I’m sure. Redundancy is theriddler’s forte, obviously, as he suddenly expressed his disdain for purchasing a “broken Xbox 360 that’s broken”. I tried not to decipher his message too carefully because I felt like if I spent any more time on his kindergarten level of intelligence that blood would shoot out of my ears so I responded rather “politely” with: “I said in a previous email that I will not be in the area until tomorrow (Thurdsay, July 29, 2010 at 4:30 PM) evening. I have no business being there tonight.“
Apparently my meticulous breakdown of the date, including any and all information that someone who doesn’t understand what “tomorrow” means (yet uses it himself in his replies), worked and theriddler apologized for apparently acting like a senile e-douche and from what I collected the transaction was still on.
That was the last email I got from theriddler seeing as how the following day I sent him a text message saying that I would be in the area that evening and that he could text me at any time and I’d swing by with the 360. His response was “and this is the one that doesnt work right? the xbox 360“. I bit my bottom lip in frustration, seeing as how the text I sent him was preceded by the phrase “($50 broken xbox seller)”. The little voice in the back of my head had gone into Billy Mays mode and was now screaming at me that this crazy guy isn’t worth the extra $10 compared to the $40 that the seemingly more down-to-earth “Vince” emailed me about. If my inner voice could sprout legs I’m sure it would have punched me in the groin to stop me from meeting what was probably the serial killer from Se7en (if “Fucking Retarded” was one of the seven deadly sins this guy would be a victim most likely).
At the last minute, before I left town to drive all the way up to deliver this damn thing, I got a text from the buyer saying he would have to back down from the offer because he had only $25 after buying parts and registration for his car. I texted back, partially relieved, and said that was okay, that I’m glad he was able to get the money for his car, and that I’m sure someone else would be interested in the system. I honestly thought that was the last I’d hear of theriddler, until I woke up this morning and was greeted with:
“weel beings how you sir couldnt trust me for 25.00 and i just bought 2 mini REAL horses.and a goat. and a 1999 chrysler mini van yesterday even.wih no money down Keep your xbox 360 non working junk.i pass“
After reading that text message I really, REALLY wanted to visit this guy’s house (he sent me his address in a prior email), kick through his front door, and punch him. Right in the dick. I contemplated sending him back a “FUCK YOU” text message but seeing as how this is Craigslist we are talking about here I decided that wouldn’t be the best option since for all I know he might invite me over to come have sex with one of his two mini REAL horses. Or his goat. Or even the 1999 Chrysler minivan, perhaps, which I might add he apparently bought for no money down. Yeah, it’s a goddamn Chrysler minivan from 1999. If you paid any more than $500 on it you’re getting ripped off. I’m pressed for money at the moment but if I felt like it I could buy five of those ugly vehicles right now, they’re that worthless.
I don’t know what theriddler’s problem is thinking that he can somehow validate his snarky-ass attitude by showing off his livestock sex fodder and minivans that weren’t in style even when they were brand new. I thought he was buying car parts and a state registration sticker? Did his precious minivan not come with an engine or something? Is that what the horses are for? No, theriddler, I’m not going to take your $25 “trust” on my console because the controller alone is worth that much. If I wanted to get ripped off and anally raped on this deal I wouldn’t go to Craigslist for it I’d go to GameStop and let them pay me whatever pocket change the cashier currently has on him.
How about this theriddler, why don’t you invest in an English textbook and brush up on what it means to “make it rain” because I’m about 99% certain unless you live in Bumfuck, Alabama dropping some mad cash on 2 horses (of both the mini and REAL variety), a goat, and a shitty minivan doesn’t earn you any “street cred”. It makes you look like a goddamn maniac. In the end, I’m glad I didn’t sell my console to you, theriddler, because you seem to be the kind of person who would plug it in and try to stick your dick into it and call me back with complaints about it.