Roastmaster vs. iRANiAN.CYBER.ARMY

For those of you who don’t use Twitter or follow the news or even pay any attention to the Internet Twitter was hacked the other day (lol Faux Newz). Even more hilarious than the fact that someone was ballsy enough to try and hack such a worthless website is the fact that it was done by the iRANiAN.CYBER.ARMY (it helps to play a dramatic sting in your head when reading that). I totally didn’t embellish that name at all, that’s what these jokers seriously called themselves and rumor has it that they attacked Twitter as an anti-American effort online… while their provided contact information is a GMail address. I’m not sure if these people are just oblivious or completely retarded but GMail is something located in the United States, so nice job contradicting yourselves there guys, mad props to you. They must have called Google Tech Support and gotten an outsourced call and thought they were one of their own.

roastmaster_Twitterhack

PRAISE ALLAH!

But while we’re on the subject of GMail I noticed that they did indeed provide a means to contact them, so under the guise of “Robert Maestro” I sent them the following email. I’ll let you know what their response is as soon as I get it assuming they don’t blow my house up first.

Greetings iRANiAN.CYBER.ARMY,

On behalf of a virtually unknown media outlet in Norway I would like to first commend you for the undertaking of disabling Twitter! I couldn’t help but notice that you left this email address as a means to contact you because you are Xxx-HaRdKoRe-1337-xxX hackers so please, I invite you to answer just a few questions for an assignment I have been given. Taking out a popular American service used only by 13 year olds to flirt with each other, soccer moms who want to inform the world of their latest bowel movement, and furries to promote their equally atrocious work is certainly one of the biggest accomplishments that will be seen in this passing decade! It will absolutely make the list of things in VH1’s sure-to-be-upcoming “I Love The 00’s”, just think how great it will be to hear Z-list American “celebrities” like Flava Flav and Bil Dwyer comment on YOUR work!

Firstly, I must ask you – why Twitter? Now, I am definitely not trying to assign inappropriate and racist labels, but the defacing of websites is normally called “cyber-terrorism” all over the world. Do you think that perhaps there are other, perhaps bigger, “priority targets” out there online? What about MySpace? That website is full of music that makes people commit hate crimes and also bisexual women of dubious origins named Tila Tequila who get bad reality TV shows, but mostly just the music and hate crimes part. Even Facebook, what with all of those “mature” college-aged students posting pictures of them at drunken frat parties or giving fellatio to a goat (at drunken frat parties)? Wikipedia would be great for some covert ops because they never have their things together so your attacks would be small and go unnoticed for months until you pull the big heist! I’d say that taking out Twitter in the wide spectrum of things is a rather moot accomplishment because it’s mostly text message vomit but I’d really love to hear the story behind it.

Secondly, I’m just going to have to come on out and ask this, what’s with the “HACKED BY” image you left on Twitter? I mean, I’ve been using the Internet for a very long time and the last time I saw an image like that was in the late nineties whenever some script kiddie hacked a Pokemon fansite that he didn’t like and wanted to get back at the webmaster for ripping him off in a card trading deal. I am not speaking from personal experience, I promise. But really, the black background and bright red text with random capitalizations? You’re Iran!! You couldn’t think of anything scarier or more ominous than that? If you’re going to take the Internet as SERIOUS business then it’s gonna take a lot more than a picture of a flag and some red letters in Birch STD to scare someone. Birch STD isn’t even a scary font, you gotta whip out the serious guns like Impact or Jokerman if you want to get a point across, because Impact says “hey you, you listen here mister”.

Finally, my last question, you’re a “cyber army”. Does this mean you’re an entity affilaited with the Iran government? If you are then why are you using an email address provided by GMail? Is there not an iRANiAN.CYBER.ARMY@totallytheirangovernment.ir address available? I mean, I know it must take some serious balls to say “hey Twitter take this” and completely deface the website and prevent people from knowing which celebrity Ashton Kutcher is taking pictures of with his Nikon camera but you gotta have that government email address as that final detail on your masterpiece to say “yeah we totally did this also Twitter sucks”.

Can’t wait to hear back for my story and thanks for your time!
– Robert Maestro
Senior Editor in Chief, Worldly News Weekly

– Roastmaster