5 Absolutely Retarded Ebay Daily Deals

eBay has had this new thing on their homepage for a while that contains a bunch of various odds and ends at “deep discount” prices and free shipping. It’s called the Daily Deal and it’s basically an excuse for people to liquidate their inventory of mindless artifacts that they can barely give away let alone sell at MSRP. Every so often something actually worthwhile will show up like an overabundance of copies of Halo 3: ODST (if that’s your thing) but usually the Daily Deal is the victim of crap like Rock Revolution with it’s guitar and drum controllers for $14.99. Keep in mind shipping is FREE so whatever poor sap was cursed with a back-stock of copies of that terrible game is willing to lose money instead of keeping the boxes around. You could build a fort with all of those and then have a pretend band full of guitarists and dummers banging on miniature drum sets that have no less than 20 drum pads. Think of the possibilities!

I can say with a clear conscience yes I have purchased things from the Daily Deal. I bought a copy of V: The Complete Series from the 1980’s and a camera tripod. I won’t, however, find myself buying any of the following pieces of crap passed off as a “deal”.

7 Port USB 2.0 Hub

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Don’t be distracted by the non-complimentary LEDs.

It seems kind of random of me to start an article with a 7-port USB hub that looks pretty ordinary if you ignore the fact that it resembles a cassette tape with teeth but that’s exactly what this seller wants you to think (no, not the teeth thing, the ordinary-looking thing). Answer me this, have you ever seen a 7-port USB hub before? Ever? No? Why is that? That’s because it’s a stupid idea considering most people don’t have a USB device for every day of the week. This mass-produced (and cheaply made) overseas “knock off” USB hub is an accident waiting to happen. The original listing for this item basically encourages you to try and burn your house down all while being distracted by the pretty lights.

“Perfect for connecting USB 1.1 and 2.0 peripherals such as […] USB 1.1 hubs!” Seriously? I thought seven ports was about four too many but are there people who are seriously considering plugging hubs into hubs with the end result resembling something like the Griswold Family’s Christmas lights in Christmas Vacation? The fact that these things light up for no apparent reason (and have this marketed as a “Feature”) makes me feel like someone is going to try and attempt this only because the seller suggests them to do so. You have to plug these things into an AC wall outlet which means that if you buy a bunch of hubs you’re going to need a bunch of surge protectors or wall outlet splitters to accommodate all of these damn things.

“Sale” Price: $8.49

Superman Inflato-Suit

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HELLO LADIES.

Around Halloween (I’ve been collecting crap deals for a while I guess) eBay started listing a bunch of costumes for kids in the Daily Deal line-up. This one was my favorite. Having worn an inflatable costume in my lifetime I know how cumbersome and not-fun these things are to wear but of course this has likely been dumbed down for a child’s Halloween costume. The fact remains that you still have to walk around with a little jetpack-looking thing on your back that makes a whirring sound implying that you’re either a robot or you are stealing somebody’s laptop by trying to hide it in your ass. If you look closely the “I’m a computer thieving robot” device is actually hanging off of the little belt and does a pretty good job of not blending into the costume and makes Superman look more like someone who isn’t expecting a call but wants people to see his cool phone and less like someone who saves Earth from bald white guys with shiny green crystals.

I understand that the kid posing for the picture is doing his best to look like Superman but his costume is making him look like somebody who put his windbreaker on backwards, tucked it in, and then had time to spare to make his hair look like Bizarro Alfalfa. Great job, Superman.

“Sale” Price: $11.00

Soft-N-Fleecy “Wearable Blanket”

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You can’t copyright the idea of wearing a robe incorrectly.

There are omens meant to warn mankind of destruction and the end times and the Bible does a decent job of trying to warn people (if you believe in that) but here is something out of left field that likely wasn’t expected or interpreted in Jesus’ time: an off-brand Snuggie. The world has basically come full circle when the best idea someone has is to repackage a Snuggie under a different name which in and of itself is just a douchebag wearing a robe backwards because he is either drunk or assumes that he’s just in a really nice hospital. Whenever people make counterfeit televisions and iPods they take great strides to make their product appear identical because there’s a solid chance someone is going to be paying more than $12 for it and the piracy business is all about maximizing profit while narrowing costs to an extreme but seriously, a fucking Snuggie?

What’s the point of painstakingly making your box look exactly the same (albeit with confusing picture captions) when all anybody has to do is just hang their selection of bathrobes facing the other direction and call it a day?

“Sale” Price: $11.99

Day By Day Wall Clock

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It’s Sunday-Thirty.

At first glance this looks like a clock and by assuming that you are correct, it is indeed a clock. There is a theory in communication studies known as “expectancy violation” wherein if someone does something you aren’t expecting, in your bout of dumbfoundedness you attempt to seek information to find reassurance in whatever just happened. This clock is kind of like that; it takes your expectations about what a clock does and violates them in all the wrong ways. Just look at it now that you know something is wrong with it. It has only one hand and seven sections, if the days of the week weren’t there you’d assume whoever made this clock had no previous knowledge of what a clock was actually supposed to do let alone the inner workings of how one functions.

I think I understand the appeal of this clock, perhaps it’s for people who sell Avon out of their garage and don’t really have set times for their job, but for anybody else what good would this serve? This clock is only approximately correct at two times of the day and both times start with “12”. Everything else is a shot in the dark. If you had company over and they asked you what time it was and all you had was this stupid clock if you said “sometime between Monday and Tuesday” they would think you were acting like an ass until they looked for themselves to discover that your clock really doesn’t tell time and instead exists only to aggravate people who clock-in at their jobs instead of logging into Tupperware.com at some unknown hour in the morning.

“Sale” Price: $11.03 (and three cents?)

Vibrating Wizard Head Massager

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I don’t ever want to know what kind of toy this is.

I don’t know what this is but it’s one of the most horrifying things I have ever seen. Is it a model of the Merlin virus – or is it a MERLIN SPIDER? Either way if you found yourself in a dark alley and this was coming towards you twitching and scuttling around you’d be too scared to even shit your pants. I don’t trust that this is a head massager at all because I’ve seen a million products labeled as “massager” and while most of them looked like a cock none of them looked anywhere close to this monster. This looks more akin to the baby doll head robot from Toy Story, and quite frankly that was the stuff of nightmares. I wouldn’t trust putting this thing on or near your head because I believe that the second you do so the little copper legs will latch onto your face and the Merlin top will bore its way into your skull and turn you into a very magical zombie.

If it’s worth anything, this terrifying piece of torture is being sold by the same people selling the Snuggie knock off. I don’t even want to know what this is an imitation of.

“Sale” Price: $9.99

– Dracophile