What My “Your Life Playlist” Says About My Life

LiveJournal fads are a dime a dozen and if you’re somewhat new to the Internet then replace LiveJournal with MySpace, and if you’re still greener than that then replace MySpace with Facebook, and if you’re still confused as to what I am talking about then just go away because there is no possible way you will take anything funny away with you after reading this article. Seriously, just go back to Google and idle at the wonders of what the Internet may have in store for you. Go on, click “SEARCH”; don’t be afraid it won’t bite, it’s only Google. “Only Google”, you know, since they can probably see what you’re doing right now with their satellites and Google Maps vans that have taken about 30 pictures of your house with their cameras; they know more about you than the CIA does. Get out your tinfoil hats.

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Encyclopedia Dramatica knows how it’s done.

For the rest of us who are enculturated with the… culture… of the Internet this article is for you. Having been online for over a decade I can remember a time when I once had a LiveJournal, at least learned how to use MySpace, and have a Facebook account. The one thing they all have in common aside from idiotic comments and modifications to your profiles are annoying fads that your friends “tag” you in and force you to fill out. It might be a list of the 100 most banal questions you’ve ever read to calculate your “sexy score” or it may be a list of 20 different “your five favorite” questions but regardless you know what I am talking about. In this article I will be doing my own “Your Life Playlist” meme to identify the official soundtrack of my sad sad life and my thoughts on the selection of songs for the different moments therein.

The instructions are simple; all I have to do is copy a list of “events” in my life and click Shuffle on my music playlist and write down whatever comes up. I’m not supposed to skip songs or omit tracks but if it lands on something from a video game soundtrack or a spoken-word album I will click Shuffle again just because there’s probably nothing funny about video game music or stand-up comedians unless of course I find out some asshole is going to play the Super Mario Bros theme at my funeral or if Jim Gaffigan is going to tell Hot Pocket jokes at my wedding.

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I live in the bottom left somewhere.

Opening Credits:
Butterflies
– Toad the Wet Sprocket
With a song that opens up talking about looking at the ocean and asking your father for a nickel (and later massacring moths with a moving vehicle) I honestly couldn’t think of anything more incomprehensible for an opening to my life. Since most movies open with a song relevant to the theme of the movie what the hell is this even supposed to mean in the wide spectrum of my life? I’m fairly certain if I asked my dad for a nickel out of the blue he’d ask me if I was trying to by weed off of him.

Waking Up:
Get It on the Floor – DMX
Considering that I have owned my computer since early 2006 the only reasonable explanation I can even think of for having this song is because it was part of a video project from the late RFSHQ (specifically The Show Must Go On, I think). Regardless, it looks like Windows Media Player likes to add whatever it finds in my Limewire folder so this is apparently the story behind the journey this song made to be in my life’s soundtrack because whenever I wake up the first thing I do is get in my truck and “ride in this motherfucker” while singing about people getting their dicks stuck in things and saying the word “nigga” a copious amount of times. Bark bark.

First Day of School:
Hello My Future Dance Mix – The Lounge Lizards (aka Dracophile)
Is it fair that one of my own songs turned up as a result in this meme? Furthermore, I think the more important question is what does a song about a lonely 11-year-old from New Mexico (cue HOT GUITAR LICKS) who wants a girlfriend have to do with school? I’ll tell you: absolutely nothing. Strangely enough Michael Blount (the person who unknowingly performed the vocals for this song) makes a key point mentioning that he’s “in the 6th grade in New Mexico” (again, more HOT GUITAR LICKS) so maybe there’s more to this than I originally thought…

Falling in Love:
I Want More – Chumbawamba
You see, at first to anyone who hasn’t heard this song may assume that this is a peachy song about wanting more in a relationship (and you can make a sex joke if you want) but if you’ve actually heard the song and know what it’s about, it’s about getting your face kicked in “oh so nicely” by the wonderful lads at Tearoom England, a story told in the chorus between stanzas of Chumbawamba-esque gibberish that makes absolutely no sense in any context or language. Perhaps at some point in my life when I fall in love it will be in a pub where I will be getting my ass handed to me in a takeout bag. I should be paying attention.

Fight Song:
Triangle Man (Cover) – Radio F
And again here I am showing up to crash this party. Firstly, I am aware that the original song by They Might Be Giants is actually titled Particle Man. This crappy cover version was performed by myself and RKPTJg on our spoken-word album from 1995. What I’m more intrigued about, though, is how appropriately this song fits into this category. Understandably the law of probability states that at some point in this article a song has to match up somewhere, so I guess now is as good of a time as any. Particle Man is a charming little diddle about various wrestlers who fight each other (and Particle Man never wins). What I’m taking from this track is that somewhere along the line in my life I am going to get beaten up by Universe Man and his watch with minute, millennium, and eon hands. I’m willing to bet he’s going to smash me with a pool cue at the Tearoom England, too.

Breaking Up:
Nightingale Song – Toad the Wet Sprocket
If there’s one thing this article is teaching is it’s that I should probably pay more attention to Toad the Wet Sprocket because thus far they’re apparently twice as important as DMX and Chumbawamba. Nightingale Song is a short ballad that leaves a lot open for interpretation but strangely enough if you wanted to read into it enough there’s a possibility that it discusses, in the wide spectrum of the world, the insignificance of a failed relationship. By my count this song should have played about 3 or 4 times now. Toad the Wet Sprocket is going to make a crapload of money off of my loveless life.

Prom:
Monkey Developers – Digital Droo
For some reason I do not recall my prom being as awesome as this song implies it should have been. :(

Life’s OK:
Brak’s School Daze: Gym Class – Andy Merrill
So it’s not exactly a song but I’m not going to pass this one up. Andy Merrill was the voice of Brak on the Williams Street (then known as Ghost Planet Industries) shows Cartoon Planet and Space Ghost: Coast to Coast. The album this track is from is a collection of Cartoon Planet skits and songs and the entire reason I bought it was for Brak’s diatribes and pointless stories and his songs about plants and dating. Hearing his story about a gym teacher who apparently only said “hey buddy, hey baby, hey boy” and any combination of those 4 words and subsequently making a D in gym class makes me smile every time. Yes, yes life will be okay because Brak’s mom baked him a cake out of excitement.

Mental Breakdown:
Set Adrift on Memory Bliss – PM Dawn
If there’s a movie being made about my life I am going to see it for this scene alone because I really want to see how someone can make a mental breakdown montage with this slow and peaceful track about someone’s dream girl. This is not an insanity song by any stretch of the word. This is a song you listen to while you’re on the beach and I’m fairly certain the music video for this very song takes place (surprise surprise) on a beach. A beach of crazy (and Hawaii).

Driving:
All I Want – Toad the Wet Sprocket
By this point you’re probably assuming that all I own are Toad the Wet Sprocket albums. This unprecedented string of events is indeed hilarious but in actuality I only own the CD single of this song and their album Fear. I think Windows Media Player knows I am writing this article just for the hell of it so I think it may have become sentient and is purposefully trying to screw with the results here. Truth be told I can sing a pretty good cover of this song (while driving), so be prepared to see a lot of this in Dracophile: The Movie.

Flashback:
St. Louis is Listening – Soul Coughing
Soul Coughing is a weird band with even stranger vocals. I can see them providing the soundtrack for me becoming a deranged dragon molester hellbent on toppling over every magazine rack at the local Wal-Mart (hey I’m INSANE here) but not for a flashback unless of course we’re in Family Guy and someone arbitrarily makes a reference to something being “as bad as that one time Dracophile knocked over the magazine racks at Wal-Mart”. Strangely enough Set Adrift on Memory Bliss, a song that’s actually about reminiscing and dreaming, was stuck with psycho duty.

Getting Back Together:
Millennium – Robbie Williams
It’s worth noting that since I am skipping spoken-word tracks and video game music one of the two tracks that didn’t make it to this spot was the Russian Roulette skit from the Whitest Kids U Know album. Just throwing that out there because it eventually settled on an uppity pop song from the late nineties made popular because it was a song that referenced the year 2000 and had idle mentions to “running out of time”, but of course later mentioned waking up and seeing sarcasm in someone’s eyes. Yes, my ex-girlfriend from earlier in this movie, I should have seen the sarcasm in your eyes when you stabbed me in the back or insulted me on a number of personal levels. Oh well, it’s Hollywood I suppose; I get a manufactured happy ending to my life unlike the harsh reality that is “IRL”.

Wedding:
Back 2 Good – Matchbox 20
Back 2 Good is a song that speaks to me on a personal level. It’s a slow song about people in a bar people who cheat and hurt each other hang out but don’t want to talk about it and know why everyone else is there. It’s a sad song about sad people living sad lives, and honestly I couldn’t think of a better song to play on what is most likely a day that will A) never happen or B) be incomprehensibly depressing anyways.

Birth of a Child:
Roses – Outkast
Inappropriate songs have a way of showing up at the best of times in this thing. I’m assuming that from what this song implies about my newborn child it will be a girl named Caroline; a stuck-up prissy bitch who gets whatever she wants half of the time, and the other half gets her cussed out or coming up short, even though she needs a golden calcul- wait a second am I just transposing the lyrics of this song into a sentence in this paragraph to make a point here? You can actually quote Outkast songs word for word and make a coherent sentence? That’s strange; maybe the Black Eyed Peas should be listening.

Final Battle:
Put Your Socks on Mama – Andy Merrill
Here’s Brak again, but at least this time it’s an actual song and not a spoken-word track. I don’t know what this track was going to be if I had just passed and gone to the next song, but I decided that the most climactic point in my life should be accompanied by a song whose only lyrics are “put your socks on mamma, now.” Imagine for a second any kind of high-tensity scene in a movie where someone is evading bad guys, disarming a bomb, or saving a box of puppies from a burning building. Now replace that orchestral score with Brak screaming about putting socks on his mother. That’s an Emmy waiting to happen right there.

Death Scene:
Feed the Gods – Rob Zombie
Judging by this track I am going to have a completely metal death scene. I’m picturing flaming hellfire dragons, Satan wailing on an electric guitar, Zeus firing lightning bolts all over the place, and basically anything else that happens in a KISS concert to transpire. I’ll be running with my box of rescued puppies while the demon ghost of Saddam Hussein opens fire on me with four AK-47’s duct taped together and Osama bin Laden tries to crash a hijacked plane into me (that’s what Saddam is riding on) while Hitler himself tears through the fiery terrain of Hell on a Panzer tank covered in “Vote for Bush” bumper stickers and firing out buckets of ninja stars. And there will be dragons, too. Speaking of dragons in an ironic turn of events the playlist for this section settled on a track from the original Spyro the Dragon video game soundtrack. It would be pretty ironic if he killed me. Hey, speaking of things that are ironic…

Ending Credits:
Ironic – Alanis Morissette
My whole life is basically one big joke with a punchline that I don’t quite understand (it must be from a Coen brothers movie). Dare I say… it’s ironic?

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Now available at Wal-Mart. By the magazines.

All in all I’d say that my movie is going to be pretty awesome. You should see it, if not for me for all of the Michael Bay explosions. Yeah, you heard me right. Michael Bay. Explosions.

– Dracophile