UFC: Undisputed is Undisputedly the Gayest Game Ever
Perhaps I am not properly enculturated in the world of how to be a manly man. I’m not a fan of football (or sports for that matter), I could care less about NASCAR, I think hunting is pointless, and any kind of outdoorsy activities bore me to hell and back. UFC (or Ultimate Fighting Champion-something-or-other) is the latest “craze” amongst overly aggressive men and how they choose to spend their weekends and Pay-Per-View credits. UFC has been around a while but it’s only recently gotten popular as the “in” thing to do. Spike Network adopted the series into their programming lineup and since then they’ve also produced a crappy reality TV show akin to “The Next Greatest UFC Fighter” or some other pointless manufactured nonsense. You know the kind of show I am talking about.
However what’s a popular franchise without a sub-par video game based off of it? Yes, that’s right there’s a UFC video game out there. Honestly, I don’t see how it’s any different from every other fighting game where you beat the everliving hell out of somebody but I’ll just bear with the developers and agree that its GROUNDBREAKING FIGHTING COMBAT totally blows my mind. And speaking of things being blown that’s a great trantsition into the point of this article: UFC is the most in-the-closet homosexual thing I have come across since the last time the forbidden love between Republicans and health insurance providers was big in the news. Just as a forewarning to cover my own rear, I personally am not a fan of saying something is “gay” when I mean it sucks or is stupid, because that is quite unacceptable. When I call UFC “gay” I don’t mean it as “it sucks”, I mean “gay” as in “hey man you wanna go shower together after this and rent a copy of Brokeback Mountain“.
What is my proof of this claim, you ask? Or rather “what you be sayin’ you stupid (expletive deleted)” as the average UFC fanatic will say shortly before punching his wife and asking for another Bud Light. Allow me to point to one single solitary achievement in the UFC: Undisputed game as the source of my information:
Yes, you get an achievement in the game for watching the “Round 2” card girl prance around in her bikini before every fight without skipping it. Now, seeing as how I have played this game only once I don’t exactly know how long this cutscene is but I am willing to bet it is anywhere between fifteen to twenty minutes long and features an accompanying soundtrack by Kid Rock and Lynard Skynard and a tribute to Dale Earnhardt right in the middle of it all.
Seriously could there be anything less insecure about the average fan’s sexuality here? I seriously can’t think of anything else than being rewarded for asserting your “male superiority” by watching a bikini model hold up a card. Even down to the name of this achievement (“Two of my favorites!”) it screams “YES I AM TOTALLY STRAIGHT NOW SHUT UP AND LET ME WATCH THESE KNOCKERS.”
Perhaps it’s just the fact that I have been clinically diagnosed as being “permanently seven years old mentally” when it comes to certain things but I watch this show or play this game and I always wonder if I am the only one in the room who is really picking up on these vibes. I mean, I know everyone else is seeing what I’m seeing, last time I checked I wasn’t wearing my Elton John FABULOUS VISION shades and I had left my copy of Top Gun at home. Look at that pose, seriously look at it. I’m not even going to take it out of context because 70% of every UFC fight is that. Picture watching that for fifteen minutes and throw in some dry commentary from Joe Rogan (yes the guy from Fear Factor) and you have your average UFC bout.
Basically every UFC fight boils down into two almost naked guys punching each other in the face repeatedly until one of them has an aneyurism and has to be wheeled away to the nearest hospital. Between Point A (the start of the fight) and Point B (the ambulance ride) lies a bunch of awkard groping, pinning, sweating, and grunting. Seriously folks the jokes write themselves. I wish I could say more about it, but that’s it. That’s what’s popular amongst the “look at me I’m so tough” guys these days; a show where after each fight where both competitors clearly showed how impressively not-gay they both are secretly talk about their favorite songs by Aretha Franklin and consider adopting a toy poodle as a pet.
I went to a UFC “party” whenever everybody was making a big deal about UFC 100. I spend a hell of a lot of time driving around during the week and on the radio without fail every single commercial break was about some local sports bar that was going to have UFC 100 “ON THE GIANT PLASMA SCREENS” (Sidenote: Putting UFC on 60+” TV’s does not make it any less homoerotic.). I remember specifically the big deal was about Brock Lensar and this other guy whose name I didn’t actually care to remember because the fight was the Heavyweight Title Bout meaning whoever won would be King In-The-Closet, I guess. I don’t know, really, but I bet he got a fancy golden belt that said “CHICKS ONLY, NO GUYS, I MEAN IT. SERIOUSLY” at the end. Brock Lensar won in literally the least engaging way possible: he sat on his opponent and punched him for the entire duration of the fight.
That’s all he did. From what everybody was raving about for weeks prior I was expecting the two fighters to at least whip out some chainsaws or battle axes or something, anything to make it worth watching (and spending $100 for on Pay-Per-View). Nope, instead I was subjected to watching a bunch of littler people fight (Lightweights, not midgets) before this “monumental fight” wherein Lensar demonstrated his ability to do impressions of a blanket made out of fists.
I don’t even follow this lifestyle of misplaced testosterone but I felt somehow letdown by that fight and I’m pretty sure if the squirrely reptile geek who isn’t interested in UFC was letdown by UFC then everyone else in the room who kept a mental encyclopedia of how big every fighter’s biceps are were certainly angered as well. In short they basically spent $100 to watch a glorified version of that scene from A Christmas Story where Ralphie beats up that bully with the yellow eyes.
Except more gay.